So I have finally managed to clear out all my mess lying around. I totally took a walk down the memory lane, reading old letters, staring at old photos, sorting through my extracted teeth and gifts from friends. Stowed all of them away in one corner to be rummaged through again in a few years.

I won't bother with shit like, "I hope 2012 will treat me better." or "Thanks for the great year 2011!" because the weak will always look for sympathy and the insecure will always seek for attention.

I am going to hunker down and turtle up. All you wastrels out there can go fuck yourselves if you want to bother me. I am sorry to all my friends for leaving you out there, but I am not sorry for choosing this.

And that was how he entered 2012. Here marks the end of 2011.

I have had enough of shit in this year. From everyone around me and from myself.

Time to clean out my closet. For myself.

Cheers to the new year, everybody, and nobody. Had a bout of diarrhea last night. Ended up sleeping early last night with a general feeling of malaise. Feeling better now.

I picked up my relatives from the airport today, and then brought them to the sailing center for a while. (They wanted to move one of the Optimist boats to a sheltered area.) Sent them home after that. Halfway through lunch, I had to leave the house again to pick up my grandfather from church. Driving all day is rough. Had to deal with a dull headache after that. Or was it because I had not fully recovered from last night?

So after I finished my lunch, I went to sleep the afternoon away. Perhaps I have been sleeping too much, because the nap did not leave me feeling refreshed. Truthfully, what I want most of all right now is a massage. My back feels stiff and cramped. Who can I ask, though? No one I know knows how to crack my back. I cannot ask my dad since his back is giving him problems so already.

On another note, I can play a decent To Zanarkand on the piano now. I am working on Croation Rhapsody, The Entertainer, and Turkey in the Straw. I think I will probably master the last piece first, because it is the easiest of the three.

I just asked my sister to help me crack my back. She uses too little force and she says that her hand is tired. God. At least there was one crack though!

"Elegance is the correct posture if the writing is to be perfect. It's the same with life: when all superfluous things have been discarded, we discover simplicity and concentration. The simpler and more sober the posture, the more beautiful it will be, even though, at first, it may seem uncomfortable."
- The Witch Of Portobello by Paulo Coelho

That could very well apply for piano playing. Good posture, good playing. We have ideals. We make laws absolute. We dogmatically follow tradition. Why?

Why, when we humans are so flawed, do we still seek perfection? How can something so impure, achieve something so pure? If we assume the impossibility of attaining perfection to be true, then surely there is no point in making any sort of attempt, right? Some people may leave you the quote about how the destination is not as important as the journey - that it does not matter whether or not you become a perfect person, that the only issue of import is that you develop a better character. But what is the point of bettering yourself if there is no end? Is there a purpose in amassing knowledge your whole life, only to lose it in the end? Is there a reason to gain power and money your entire life, only to lose it finally? Perhaps showing goodness and kindness to others is a more reasonable and nobler way of life.

But I suspect that one day, the human race will be wiped out. (No, I do not think this will happen in 2012.) When that happens, what a joke we would be. Our endeavours would have been in naught. Progress would drop back to ground zero. If there is no point to anything, prudence can be thrown out of the window. We can start to live life lavishly, unbridled and wild.

If I could but see into the future, perhaps I could understand where we were headed to. Is it towards doom, or will we discover the secrets of the universe and be propelled into eternity?

Traitor: You put too much faith in the hearts of men, Altair. The Templars know the truth: humans are weak, base, and petty.
Altair: No. Our creed is evidence to the contrary.
Traitor: Perhaps you are right, and I am not wise enough to understand -- but I suspect the opposite: that I am too wise to believe such rubbish.

I like the dialogues found in Assassin's Creed. Every time a key enemy is assassinated, they will have a conversation that reveals their motives, no matter how warped their justification. Truly, the most dangerous people are also those who have the strongest conviction in the righteousness of their cause.

But I am getting ahead of myself. Here, the traitor talks about Altair having too much faith in men. I can relate to that. I, myself, have lost much faith in humanity already. Humans are weak, base, and petty. Once I believed that we could rise above that. But now I realise that no one cares to fight for perfection. No one bothers to better themselves. Even if they do, they only make hollow attempts.

Everyone does what is convenient for themselves nowadays. The ones who care are few and far between. This is the majority:
We have no ideals. We bend the law to our advantage. We throw away our traditions.

I could simply party my life away, indulge in materialism and lead a life of aimlessly pursuing pleasure. But a part of me abhors that. The part of me that still believes that my life has a purpose, except that I have not found it yet. I have my ideals. I will find my purpose. I will find my own way to perfection in this life, or after.
Peace is not found without. It is found within.

True peace is not found in a cave or in open fields. True peace is found standing amidst all the noise and bustle of life, yet remaining unaffected by the outside. I must learn to accept that I cannot change my circumstances, and even if I might be able to change it, the consequences are simply not worth taking action.

What good would change do if you offended every one else around you? No one would be happy. Live and let live. However, this sort of peace seems pacifist to me at best. Like a coward, choosing to do nothing is an easy way out. Why get involved when witnessing an injustice happening? Why bring trouble to yourself? Only a fool would think this way.

I suppose we need to learn to be able to differentiate between the petty and serious crimes committed against ourselves. If there is an ongoing construction project in the neighbourhood, you do not need to rail at the builders to lower their noise. Only a fool would demand everything to go his way. If something goes against your principle, such as bullying, you should feel indignant enough to take action. We must be wise enough to know the difference.

The way we seek to bring about change also matters. Do it amicably, and everyone comes out better off. Press your stand aggressively and you step on toes.

How can one stand amidst raging waters and howling winds and not be moved? I want the confidence to do that. Not some false sense of security, but real confidence that stems from a deep understanding of myself and the things around me. Then peace can really come from within. Since every computer coding is done in binary, then every simulation would be presented in the form of 0's and 1's. If everything can be defined with just two distinct alphabets, what if our world was merely a simulation and we were living in a world of binary coding?

Then God would be the master programmer, using ultra-sophisticated hardware to power this vast universe. I wonder if anyone tried to explain the world in this way. Binary.

I think my head will just explode, writing down all those numbers! Once I had hit puberty, I began to rebel and seek independence. I had come to realise that this life is my own to live. I would have to answer to my actions and take responsibility for the consequences. In the end, the choice I make is no one's but my own. Your mentors might encourage you to do this, or your peers may goad you into doing that. But when you make the final decision, know that you have made the choice of your own volition.

Circumstances could wreck your plans. Fate probably will turn things awry. Bad luck? Who can blame bad luck. I realise that I can only blame myself for any bad (or good) that happens. Blaming destiny changes nothing. Learn from the past, live in the present and look forward to the future. The only person I can rely on is - in fact - myself. I am the only variable I can control. Everything else is beyond my influence.

There is only one good reason to ask for advice - when the person is superior to you in that aspect or issue concerned. Even then, if you yourself already know what must be done, asking for another opinion is merely delaying the inevitable. It is procrastination under a different guise. Pucker up your courage and learn to live for yourself.

No one was made to be out there to save you. No one is bound by some immutable law to do so. If they do so, they do it out of their own kindness. If no one helps you, accept that help is a privilege. The onus is for you to help yourself.

If I do not take action now, no one will.
No excuses. You are your own person. Anger is a momentary madness, so control your passion or it will control you.
- Horace

Somehow I get agitated when my sister comments on what I do. For instance, when I was driving them out for supper, she decided to correct my driving and parking. She should learn to keep her opinions to herself, because it is unfortunate that I do not like her views very much. Why do I have this aversion for criticism? Perhaps I believe (falsely?) that I am more than able to drive. Or maybe I feel that if she feels that she can do a better job, she should volunteer to do the driving instead.

Nevertheless, anger is not an emotion I would like to feed. In order to avoid such situations again, I shall resolve to minimize contact with the trigger - my sister. Is the action I take a form of escapism? To be frank, perhaps our characters do not match. She, for one, loves attention. I prefer a quiet life. I cannot change her; She is her own person. I do not wish to change myself; I am happy with the way I am. And so, it seems that the only choice I have is to allow a deep chasm to grow between us.

I will not let this madness conquer me.
I need more discipline. Wednesdays are good days for me. Wednesdays are free and easy. I like that!

Other days I go to the gym or teach my cousins or work at my part time job. Wednesday is like my chill day. Today I went to pick my relatives from the airport, then went back home to practice a bit of my piano before going back to sleep. I woke up in time for lunch. Perhaps later I will walk over to my cousin's house to walk the dog for fun. It was nice to walk her last night.

Just played an immensely fun game of DotA with Elian. Even now that he is in the US, he is not giving up the game. Looks like DotA is going to be a part of me. 9gag too. Now I feel like a total geek. But then again, I am going to take a shower now, practice my piano piece, and then get out of the house for a breath of fresh air, and take the dog for a walk.

I would like to believe that I have seen it all, the negative emotions, the ones that drag you down beneath the mire. I have seen the hate, the sorrow, the anger. Negative emotions destroys your soul. I would like to believe that I understand how it all works. I would like to think that I have overcome those feelings. Or have I, in the process of facing these obstacles, succumbed to the negativity and destroyed my humanity already? And I hiding and running, or am I already free? New blog skin.

Ripped it off other blog and spent about 3 hours editing it down to this. When I say edit down, I mean trimming off all the excess tabs, pictures and credits and all. I changed almost every aspect. Even all the colours have changed. Basically I only needed the navigation coding as a template. I like my blog plain and simple, other than the music, this is all no frills and clean now.

Yesterday I managed to pull off my side flip. FINALLY.
Well, looks like training has not been wasted!

At my cousin's house now. Going to watch him do some mathematics. Sometimes I wonder if I should become a tuition teacher. Yesterday, my friend Neo is teaching at a tuition center at Katong and told me to look for him if I wanted to work there.

I am thinking if I should cut my hair short and neat or just let it grow wild and unkempt. My friend Pat asked me to go for the interview at A&F to work there, as the hours are very flexible. But he also told me that I should cut short hair first. Will the job there be fulfilling? It pays $8.50 an hour, which is pretty good for part-time in the service sector. Just folding clothes and greeting customers all day long. If I work overnight, it will be $12 an hour!

Perhaps I should go work full-time at Alpha. Wonder what the pay will be like.

Raining everyday nowadays. Cannot get to go to the park as usual.

I wonder if you will pass your driving test. If you are reading this, good luck! The first time I came across Robert Frost works was with his Mending Wall. It struck me as a very accurate picture of what the world today is like. Today, another one of his works has resonated strongly with me.

...
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

- From The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost I see my friends going out to have fun, going overseas to explore, getting frustrated chasing girls/boys, drowning in sorrow when things do not go well. The life of a normal person in this society. The life of someone who gets up every morning, does what he needs and wants to do, and then goes back to sleep.

I may vow never to squander away my life, but bit by bit, God knows I am breaking that promise. I just want to find the higher power, the source. Does it even exist? Why can I not feel divine, despite almost everyone saying that the divine is within us? I only feel emptiness.

This emptiness makes me want to fill it up with silly things. Or is it not silly? Am I the one being silly for isolating myself? A part of me wants to go out and be wild. It conjures up in my mind the song Born to be Wild. Another part of me wants to stay grounded and focused.

Am I brave enough to gamble for all or nothing?

I keep swinging from pole to pole. God I hate this. I got into my first accident today.

I was on my way home after working for 2 hours and a 1 hour jog.
Dozed off while driving and veered into the side of someone's car.
I guess I was too tired.

Looks like it is going to be an expensive lesson.

I really do not know what I am doing in life actually. Hearing so much drama makes my faith in humanity drop down a few notches.

God, we are so flawed. I would call the gathering on Sunday a success! We all came, contributed food, drinks and life to the party! It was good to just meet up and chat and relive old times. Not that I will want to ever hold a gathering again, though.

Good to see my old buddy again. Have not met him since out basic training was over.

Monday was the day I claimed back my NRIC. No more reporting back to camp anymore!

Spent yesterday and today helping to coach the kids.

But I still feel unsatisfied and empty.

I wonder if I will get the job at my old secondary school.

Am I not training hard enough? No, probably not. I want to achieve something... what is it?

Confused. I messaged her today but she did not reply me. In fact she is out right now having dinner with a friend. I am being stupid.

Maybe I should go to Guang Zhou for 2 weeks like my dad suggested. But will that change anything?

I would believe in Jesus if he were here. I do not want a mediocre life. I do not want to go through life blind and ignorant. I want answers. I want the truth.

Should I sacrifice everything else?
Maybe I should. Maybe I should... The gathering for my BMT platoon ended up being organized by me. I had to call everyone, dig out old contacts, try to trace their numbers. I also had to find a location to host the gathering. My friend who told me not to worry about it at first, suddenly had his own problems and had no time to settle the accommodation. That was only two days to the gathering. In the end I had to scramble to locate a place that could fit us, at a reasonable price. Asking people to volunteer their condominiums was useless too, since no one bothered to reply.

Why do I bother?

I bothered once with my class, trying to organize an outing for us. Turn out was terrible. Perhaps I am not a good planner, that is why no one was interested. Or perhaps no one is interested in keeping the class in touch. We were not that bonded anyway. A group over here, another clique over there. (Yeah, my class was split in many different ways.) After that, I swore never to bother with another class outing ever again, not that there was any.

There are always those lukewarm people who do not give a damn about whether or not you meet, but then there are those enthusiastic fellows who would always be there at the gatherings. Except that none of them bothers to help to organize. What really ticked me off was that even though they wanted to meet, they did not bother to put any effort at all in organizing. They just sit and wait.

Some irrational part of me is extremely bitter that the officers in the platoon are not doing anything to help me, just sitting there and watching the show. I cannot explain why I am feeling this. Part of me says, Hey you, officer, can you please show some standard and help to plan this thing? while another part of me is going, Rank means nothing. We are all people with our own things to do. It is not their responsibility to take on this task of organizing. I hope that I by typing this out I will understand myself better and not feel the angst unnecessarily.

Why did I even take on this responsibility?
Who knows. I must have been pretty crazy at that time. Next time I should just let things rot and allow others to do the salvaging and saving. I will mind my own business.

Safe to say, this is probably the last platoon gathering we will ever be having.
Hope tomorrow will bring success to the event!
Good night.
Older Post | Newer Post

So I have finally managed to clear out all my mess lying around. I totally took a walk down the memory lane, reading old letters, staring at old photos, sorting through my extracted teeth and gifts from friends. Stowed all of them away in one corner to be rummaged through again in a few years.

I won't bother with shit like, "I hope 2012 will treat me better." or "Thanks for the great year 2011!" because the weak will always look for sympathy and the insecure will always seek for attention.

I am going to hunker down and turtle up. All you wastrels out there can go fuck yourselves if you want to bother me. I am sorry to all my friends for leaving you out there, but I am not sorry for choosing this.

And that was how he entered 2012. Here marks the end of 2011.

I have had enough of shit in this year. From everyone around me and from myself.

Time to clean out my closet. For myself.

Cheers to the new year, everybody, and nobody. Had a bout of diarrhea last night. Ended up sleeping early last night with a general feeling of malaise. Feeling better now.

I picked up my relatives from the airport today, and then brought them to the sailing center for a while. (They wanted to move one of the Optimist boats to a sheltered area.) Sent them home after that. Halfway through lunch, I had to leave the house again to pick up my grandfather from church. Driving all day is rough. Had to deal with a dull headache after that. Or was it because I had not fully recovered from last night?

So after I finished my lunch, I went to sleep the afternoon away. Perhaps I have been sleeping too much, because the nap did not leave me feeling refreshed. Truthfully, what I want most of all right now is a massage. My back feels stiff and cramped. Who can I ask, though? No one I know knows how to crack my back. I cannot ask my dad since his back is giving him problems so already.

On another note, I can play a decent To Zanarkand on the piano now. I am working on Croation Rhapsody, The Entertainer, and Turkey in the Straw. I think I will probably master the last piece first, because it is the easiest of the three.

I just asked my sister to help me crack my back. She uses too little force and she says that her hand is tired. God. At least there was one crack though!

"Elegance is the correct posture if the writing is to be perfect. It's the same with life: when all superfluous things have been discarded, we discover simplicity and concentration. The simpler and more sober the posture, the more beautiful it will be, even though, at first, it may seem uncomfortable."
- The Witch Of Portobello by Paulo Coelho

That could very well apply for piano playing. Good posture, good playing. We have ideals. We make laws absolute. We dogmatically follow tradition. Why?

Why, when we humans are so flawed, do we still seek perfection? How can something so impure, achieve something so pure? If we assume the impossibility of attaining perfection to be true, then surely there is no point in making any sort of attempt, right? Some people may leave you the quote about how the destination is not as important as the journey - that it does not matter whether or not you become a perfect person, that the only issue of import is that you develop a better character. But what is the point of bettering yourself if there is no end? Is there a purpose in amassing knowledge your whole life, only to lose it in the end? Is there a reason to gain power and money your entire life, only to lose it finally? Perhaps showing goodness and kindness to others is a more reasonable and nobler way of life.

But I suspect that one day, the human race will be wiped out. (No, I do not think this will happen in 2012.) When that happens, what a joke we would be. Our endeavours would have been in naught. Progress would drop back to ground zero. If there is no point to anything, prudence can be thrown out of the window. We can start to live life lavishly, unbridled and wild.

If I could but see into the future, perhaps I could understand where we were headed to. Is it towards doom, or will we discover the secrets of the universe and be propelled into eternity?

Traitor: You put too much faith in the hearts of men, Altair. The Templars know the truth: humans are weak, base, and petty.
Altair: No. Our creed is evidence to the contrary.
Traitor: Perhaps you are right, and I am not wise enough to understand -- but I suspect the opposite: that I am too wise to believe such rubbish.

I like the dialogues found in Assassin's Creed. Every time a key enemy is assassinated, they will have a conversation that reveals their motives, no matter how warped their justification. Truly, the most dangerous people are also those who have the strongest conviction in the righteousness of their cause.

But I am getting ahead of myself. Here, the traitor talks about Altair having too much faith in men. I can relate to that. I, myself, have lost much faith in humanity already. Humans are weak, base, and petty. Once I believed that we could rise above that. But now I realise that no one cares to fight for perfection. No one bothers to better themselves. Even if they do, they only make hollow attempts.

Everyone does what is convenient for themselves nowadays. The ones who care are few and far between. This is the majority:
We have no ideals. We bend the law to our advantage. We throw away our traditions.

I could simply party my life away, indulge in materialism and lead a life of aimlessly pursuing pleasure. But a part of me abhors that. The part of me that still believes that my life has a purpose, except that I have not found it yet. I have my ideals. I will find my purpose. I will find my own way to perfection in this life, or after.
Peace is not found without. It is found within.

True peace is not found in a cave or in open fields. True peace is found standing amidst all the noise and bustle of life, yet remaining unaffected by the outside. I must learn to accept that I cannot change my circumstances, and even if I might be able to change it, the consequences are simply not worth taking action.

What good would change do if you offended every one else around you? No one would be happy. Live and let live. However, this sort of peace seems pacifist to me at best. Like a coward, choosing to do nothing is an easy way out. Why get involved when witnessing an injustice happening? Why bring trouble to yourself? Only a fool would think this way.

I suppose we need to learn to be able to differentiate between the petty and serious crimes committed against ourselves. If there is an ongoing construction project in the neighbourhood, you do not need to rail at the builders to lower their noise. Only a fool would demand everything to go his way. If something goes against your principle, such as bullying, you should feel indignant enough to take action. We must be wise enough to know the difference.

The way we seek to bring about change also matters. Do it amicably, and everyone comes out better off. Press your stand aggressively and you step on toes.

How can one stand amidst raging waters and howling winds and not be moved? I want the confidence to do that. Not some false sense of security, but real confidence that stems from a deep understanding of myself and the things around me. Then peace can really come from within. Since every computer coding is done in binary, then every simulation would be presented in the form of 0's and 1's. If everything can be defined with just two distinct alphabets, what if our world was merely a simulation and we were living in a world of binary coding?

Then God would be the master programmer, using ultra-sophisticated hardware to power this vast universe. I wonder if anyone tried to explain the world in this way. Binary.

I think my head will just explode, writing down all those numbers! Once I had hit puberty, I began to rebel and seek independence. I had come to realise that this life is my own to live. I would have to answer to my actions and take responsibility for the consequences. In the end, the choice I make is no one's but my own. Your mentors might encourage you to do this, or your peers may goad you into doing that. But when you make the final decision, know that you have made the choice of your own volition.

Circumstances could wreck your plans. Fate probably will turn things awry. Bad luck? Who can blame bad luck. I realise that I can only blame myself for any bad (or good) that happens. Blaming destiny changes nothing. Learn from the past, live in the present and look forward to the future. The only person I can rely on is - in fact - myself. I am the only variable I can control. Everything else is beyond my influence.

There is only one good reason to ask for advice - when the person is superior to you in that aspect or issue concerned. Even then, if you yourself already know what must be done, asking for another opinion is merely delaying the inevitable. It is procrastination under a different guise. Pucker up your courage and learn to live for yourself.

No one was made to be out there to save you. No one is bound by some immutable law to do so. If they do so, they do it out of their own kindness. If no one helps you, accept that help is a privilege. The onus is for you to help yourself.

If I do not take action now, no one will.
No excuses. You are your own person. Anger is a momentary madness, so control your passion or it will control you.
- Horace

Somehow I get agitated when my sister comments on what I do. For instance, when I was driving them out for supper, she decided to correct my driving and parking. She should learn to keep her opinions to herself, because it is unfortunate that I do not like her views very much. Why do I have this aversion for criticism? Perhaps I believe (falsely?) that I am more than able to drive. Or maybe I feel that if she feels that she can do a better job, she should volunteer to do the driving instead.

Nevertheless, anger is not an emotion I would like to feed. In order to avoid such situations again, I shall resolve to minimize contact with the trigger - my sister. Is the action I take a form of escapism? To be frank, perhaps our characters do not match. She, for one, loves attention. I prefer a quiet life. I cannot change her; She is her own person. I do not wish to change myself; I am happy with the way I am. And so, it seems that the only choice I have is to allow a deep chasm to grow between us.

I will not let this madness conquer me.
I need more discipline. Wednesdays are good days for me. Wednesdays are free and easy. I like that!

Other days I go to the gym or teach my cousins or work at my part time job. Wednesday is like my chill day. Today I went to pick my relatives from the airport, then went back home to practice a bit of my piano before going back to sleep. I woke up in time for lunch. Perhaps later I will walk over to my cousin's house to walk the dog for fun. It was nice to walk her last night.

Just played an immensely fun game of DotA with Elian. Even now that he is in the US, he is not giving up the game. Looks like DotA is going to be a part of me. 9gag too. Now I feel like a total geek. But then again, I am going to take a shower now, practice my piano piece, and then get out of the house for a breath of fresh air, and take the dog for a walk.

I would like to believe that I have seen it all, the negative emotions, the ones that drag you down beneath the mire. I have seen the hate, the sorrow, the anger. Negative emotions destroys your soul. I would like to believe that I understand how it all works. I would like to think that I have overcome those feelings. Or have I, in the process of facing these obstacles, succumbed to the negativity and destroyed my humanity already? And I hiding and running, or am I already free? New blog skin.

Ripped it off other blog and spent about 3 hours editing it down to this. When I say edit down, I mean trimming off all the excess tabs, pictures and credits and all. I changed almost every aspect. Even all the colours have changed. Basically I only needed the navigation coding as a template. I like my blog plain and simple, other than the music, this is all no frills and clean now.

Yesterday I managed to pull off my side flip. FINALLY.
Well, looks like training has not been wasted!

At my cousin's house now. Going to watch him do some mathematics. Sometimes I wonder if I should become a tuition teacher. Yesterday, my friend Neo is teaching at a tuition center at Katong and told me to look for him if I wanted to work there.

I am thinking if I should cut my hair short and neat or just let it grow wild and unkempt. My friend Pat asked me to go for the interview at A&F to work there, as the hours are very flexible. But he also told me that I should cut short hair first. Will the job there be fulfilling? It pays $8.50 an hour, which is pretty good for part-time in the service sector. Just folding clothes and greeting customers all day long. If I work overnight, it will be $12 an hour!

Perhaps I should go work full-time at Alpha. Wonder what the pay will be like.

Raining everyday nowadays. Cannot get to go to the park as usual.

I wonder if you will pass your driving test. If you are reading this, good luck! The first time I came across Robert Frost works was with his Mending Wall. It struck me as a very accurate picture of what the world today is like. Today, another one of his works has resonated strongly with me.

...
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

- From The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost I see my friends going out to have fun, going overseas to explore, getting frustrated chasing girls/boys, drowning in sorrow when things do not go well. The life of a normal person in this society. The life of someone who gets up every morning, does what he needs and wants to do, and then goes back to sleep.

I may vow never to squander away my life, but bit by bit, God knows I am breaking that promise. I just want to find the higher power, the source. Does it even exist? Why can I not feel divine, despite almost everyone saying that the divine is within us? I only feel emptiness.

This emptiness makes me want to fill it up with silly things. Or is it not silly? Am I the one being silly for isolating myself? A part of me wants to go out and be wild. It conjures up in my mind the song Born to be Wild. Another part of me wants to stay grounded and focused.

Am I brave enough to gamble for all or nothing?

I keep swinging from pole to pole. God I hate this. I got into my first accident today.

I was on my way home after working for 2 hours and a 1 hour jog.
Dozed off while driving and veered into the side of someone's car.
I guess I was too tired.

Looks like it is going to be an expensive lesson.

I really do not know what I am doing in life actually. Hearing so much drama makes my faith in humanity drop down a few notches.

God, we are so flawed. I would call the gathering on Sunday a success! We all came, contributed food, drinks and life to the party! It was good to just meet up and chat and relive old times. Not that I will want to ever hold a gathering again, though.

Good to see my old buddy again. Have not met him since out basic training was over.

Monday was the day I claimed back my NRIC. No more reporting back to camp anymore!

Spent yesterday and today helping to coach the kids.

But I still feel unsatisfied and empty.

I wonder if I will get the job at my old secondary school.

Am I not training hard enough? No, probably not. I want to achieve something... what is it?

Confused. I messaged her today but she did not reply me. In fact she is out right now having dinner with a friend. I am being stupid.

Maybe I should go to Guang Zhou for 2 weeks like my dad suggested. But will that change anything?

I would believe in Jesus if he were here. I do not want a mediocre life. I do not want to go through life blind and ignorant. I want answers. I want the truth.

Should I sacrifice everything else?
Maybe I should. Maybe I should... The gathering for my BMT platoon ended up being organized by me. I had to call everyone, dig out old contacts, try to trace their numbers. I also had to find a location to host the gathering. My friend who told me not to worry about it at first, suddenly had his own problems and had no time to settle the accommodation. That was only two days to the gathering. In the end I had to scramble to locate a place that could fit us, at a reasonable price. Asking people to volunteer their condominiums was useless too, since no one bothered to reply.

Why do I bother?

I bothered once with my class, trying to organize an outing for us. Turn out was terrible. Perhaps I am not a good planner, that is why no one was interested. Or perhaps no one is interested in keeping the class in touch. We were not that bonded anyway. A group over here, another clique over there. (Yeah, my class was split in many different ways.) After that, I swore never to bother with another class outing ever again, not that there was any.

There are always those lukewarm people who do not give a damn about whether or not you meet, but then there are those enthusiastic fellows who would always be there at the gatherings. Except that none of them bothers to help to organize. What really ticked me off was that even though they wanted to meet, they did not bother to put any effort at all in organizing. They just sit and wait.

Some irrational part of me is extremely bitter that the officers in the platoon are not doing anything to help me, just sitting there and watching the show. I cannot explain why I am feeling this. Part of me says, Hey you, officer, can you please show some standard and help to plan this thing? while another part of me is going, Rank means nothing. We are all people with our own things to do. It is not their responsibility to take on this task of organizing. I hope that I by typing this out I will understand myself better and not feel the angst unnecessarily.

Why did I even take on this responsibility?
Who knows. I must have been pretty crazy at that time. Next time I should just let things rot and allow others to do the salvaging and saving. I will mind my own business.

Safe to say, this is probably the last platoon gathering we will ever be having.
Hope tomorrow will bring success to the event!
Good night.
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