30 October 2011
I wonder what it must have been like for our ancestors who lived before the time of electricity. Every night, they would look up at the velvet sky and curtain of stars. Now when I look up, I cannot tell if it is the stars I see, or just some man-made satellite drifting around Earth.A time before computers, before telephones, before MP3s. A time when craftsmanship was abound, when a person would dedicate their lives to perfecting their art. A time when a person could sit in silence and deep thought. Now we plug ourselves in and shut ourselves out. We seek entertainment all the time through technology without bettering ourselves. We idolize celebrities, cheer on our favourite clubs or simply live for pleasure.
Our human potential has been stunted without us realising. Instead of bettering ourselves, we spend time thinking how awesome the other person is.
29 October 2011
Not many days left here in Australia.The biggest obstacle in the path to success is not the challenges met along the way. To me, the problem is the myriad of distractions that lead me away from my destination. Other than these principle tasks, namely - sleeping, eating, exercising, reading, practicing the piano, reflecting - I should begin the purge of all other unnecessary tasks within my life.
I do not want to look back on my life on my deathbed only to realise that most of my time was spent on frivolous activities.
27 October 2011
Where I come from, people only talk when they have something to say.It has been 12 days since I have left. Another 8 more to go.
So far it seems my plan to lose weight has not been working. But maybe some good has come out of this. I broke my routine constant use of the computer. I started doing some reflecting too. When I get back home, I wonder if I will fall back into my old cycle.
What my life needs is discipline. My life changed a lot after secondary school. All my routines changed. In fact, I think I threw all my habits out of the window. What happened to my stoic attitude and regimental timetable? I used to sleep by 10pm. Now I stay up late, sleep through my alarm, and have become lazy in general.
I changed. I let emotions rule. No matter. I will replace brick upon brick to rebuild myself.
No more EC-10. Time to take my vial of Prozium.
25 October 2011
Often I have heard, do not judge others. Often I have tried not to criticize.Do I succeed? Hardly. I see an action and condemn it. I hear the conversations of others and disapprove. How can I not? I have my principles. How can I stay true to my principles and also condone any contrary stand at the same time?
One cannot turn a blind eye to injustice and call himself a moral person.
But to cast his lot with the victim, he inevitably has to lay judgement on the bully. What right do I have to criticize others? Is there not the verse, and why do you look at the splinter in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye?
A dilemma. Perhaps I am looking at the situation the wrong way. Perhaps I should not take myself as a judge of others. It is true, I have no right to judge others. It is also true, I cannot do nothing when my principles are challenged. How can the two become compatible?
Now I see it. I see the solution to this problem. I have been trying all along not to judge. But I should judge. I should criticize. Not others; but myself. When something crops up, whatever action I take, am I being true to myself? Do I pass my self-imposed litmus test? I do not need to judge others. I just need to judge myself.
I love this quote from Thomas Covenant.
One must have strength to judge the weakness of others. I am not so mighty.
I hope one day I can judge myself and say, my service is pure and heart is steadfast.
24 October 2011
Giving up before I started.I guess that in the end, the only person who can motivate you is yourself. Relying on others is suicide. I have to work alone. No more distractions. But what is it that I am working towards? I really do not know. Am I blind? I must be. Perhaps I am searching for something that is not even there. How do I keep pushing forward when I cannot see the horizon?
How much incongruity can a human mind take? The other night I overheard one man preaching to another about how we are all sinners, and that Jesus died to save us. The only way we can gain forgiveness is to accept Jesus as our Lord and savior.
How can one accept such statements as truth without reason? Why do I find it so hard to believe in anything at all?
I want to believe that my life is worth living.
Why do I even have such thoughts? My life is so much better than many others. I have a home, a family that cares, friends, enough food, enough clothes, just to name a few.
I just want to make something of my life.
But why? Why is it I cannot bring myself to start now?
22 October 2011
Sometimes I think that the only good answer to my life is to push myself to the limits.And then beyond.
20 October 2011
I dreamed a lot of crazy shit just now. Going to jot it down here, so it might not really make much sense. After all, it was a dream.Went up a hill to eat with her at some coffee shop place. I wanted a yam desert but they did not sell it there. Anyway I ordered a double cheese burger - ala carte - and used coins to pay. Many coins. 5 cents, 10 cents, and 20 cents. The coins changed into stones while I was counting them. We took a 171 bus down the hill after I ordered, but I did not eat.
We sat next to each other. I held her close. That was nice. I alighted outside my house while she continued on. On hindsight I should have sent her home. But then, dreams take their own strange course.
I realised I left my bag back on top of the hill. I drove a really fast car and my sister and brother were following behind me. I was swerving around the road, accidentally signalling and what not, causing my siblings much anxiety. Later I did crash after pulling some major stunt in the tunnel. But I still managed to land on 4 wheels and quickly pull the car out of the oncoming traffic!
I reached the building where some guy left a message in my bag telling me he did not take my bag because there was the colourful set of markers in it so he assumed I was a young kid and did not want to break my heart taking off with it. I tried looking for the person upstairs but could not manage to identify the person.
I woke up then because it started to rain and I needed to bring in my socks that were hanging out to dry.
Many of my old friends are here at this camp. It has been great catching up with them. Missing the old times. But then, got to keep looking ahead, forging forward. Making the best of myself.
19 October 2011
Time here is 2 hours faster than home. It is 8 here now. If I was in Singapore, I would have still been in bed.The weather the past few days has been cold. It has been raining. The wet ground has made my boots muddy, leaving no trace of the fresh all-black boots I brought with me here. I hope the sun would come out this afternoon so my clothes can dry.
The food here is all well and good. I just had mee rubus for breakfast. Sadly, I did not manage to wake up for my morning run. Perhaps I slept too late last night. I will strive to sleep by ten tonight. I need to lose weight.
Four days has passed. Another sixteen more.
15 October 2011
Will be leaving Singapore this evening.Wanted you to know, but I guess you cannot be bothered anymore. Why do I even care?
I wonder if you have moved on.
I suppose you have.
Why did I even decide to talk?
Maybe I should have held my silence.
Wonder if we can still be friends.
Will I ever find another?
Anyway, I hope I will have a safe and meaningful experience over there.
Then I can come back and ORD.
Unfortunately, I will not be able to be around for my mother's and brother's birthdays.
I am sure the rest will make it a joyful occasion for them, without me.
Because humans are dispensable. I am dispensable.
Life goes on whether I am around or not.
13 October 2011
I just finished reading the chronicles of Thomas Covenant, The Unbeliever. When I first picked up the book, I must admit that the title did draw me in more than a little! Anyway, the trilogy is worth the read.Some of my friends, they choose not to read fiction. They prefer non-fiction. They feel that fiction is for entertainment value, not for learning. But I feel differently. Any good fiction story is good not because of the plot. Rather the crux of a meaningful story is the message it conveys.
In Thomas Covenant, the protagonist struggles with his own internal conflicting desires throughout the book. From an anti-social, pessimistic, stubborn, antipathetic hollow shell of a person, he learns to love, care, hope and find an answer to his own illness.
I love living.