I asked, Do you believe in life after death?
And was replied, No, if I did I would rather die right now.

Some times, the people around me surprise me with their answers. Some times I ask myself if any one will ever understand me. Every time I try to explain myself, I get incredulous stares or massive resistance. I am being absurd to live such a passive life, since I have the potential to achieve so much more. I should not limit myself by closing doors of opportunity so early in life.

It is as if every one believes that I have a great destiny to fulfill.

It could be that I am just being headstrong - but I cannot understand you, and seems to me that this feeling is mutual.

Since talking is futile, why not try avoidance?
And now I am giving up on being understood as well. Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Choose your words, for they become actions.
Understand your actions, for they become habits.
Study your habits, for they will become your character.
Develop your character, for it will become your destiny.

Therefore, my thoughts define my destiny.

What have I been thinking of lately?

None of us really grow up. All we ever do is learn how to behave in public.
- Keith Johnstone I have resigned to a fate of mediocrity!

I have been searching for direction to my life. In the end, a futile search. I have been looking in the wrong places. Most of the people around me are just as clueless as I am. Those who have their aspirations cannot satisfactorily justify to me why they are motivated so.

Or maybe I am a cynic who scorns every little thing. But see, many great men have come and gone along this same journey to make sense of our lives, and all left empty handed. Who am I to suddenly escape this labyrinth? There is no point, really, in trying to find the answers, because I would not succeed.

The only purpose in my life is the meaning which I create for myself.

Then I must ask, what is worth living for? Nothing is worth living for. Nothing at all, says my first reaction. Then I wonder, with death brings the unknown. And death is inevitable. Gaining death means losing life. I have been granted death the moment I was conceived, so why bother losing my life now? I might as well wait it out and experience each moment.

Between a choice of Death versus Death plus a extended time to live, I would take the latter. Life is worth living for. Life and every thing in it. Even the nasty things, or wicked things, or violent things. Like I said, every thing is worth living for. We just do not know how to appreciate.

When in intense pain, you may regard death as an immense relief to suffering. But remember, every experience is unique by itself.

So here I am, still looking for some directions.
Who am I? Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
- David Letterman

Perhaps what I have given up on, is a hope of a better future. The hope that mankind has a final destiny. The hope that there is a grand design.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
- Albert Einstein Attended Theory of Knowledge Focus III today.

I did not find it very fruitful. Anyway, ACS Independent is a very, very wealthy school. Very imposing. Very huge. Very expensive.

So what is the good life? I think each individual should decide that for themselves. I hate meddling in the business of other people.

I seem to be treading on dangerous grounds, nowadays. I start having opinions of the actions of others. I start judging. I should just mind my own business. Oh well.

On another note, I met some old friends today. Some from ACS(I), some from the other colleges. You know, I think my parents will freak if I told her I want to quit school.

Dear Daddy and Mummy

When you enrolled me in school, you forgot to tell me that a myriad of unnecessary subjects would be shoved down my throat. You neglected to mention the amount of time wasted when teachers reteach the same topics already covered before. Neither did you warn me about teachers who insist things done their way, and their way only.

Nevertheless, thank you for enrolling me in school, because I can express myself with this language called English. I am sure the people who read this are similarly appreciative of their benefactors.

All children will grow up to face the harsh reality of society, so I thank you for giving me a little taste of the real world in this institution called school. What I noticed was that the majority of students were really trained parrots, regurgitating information taught to them. School is the breeding ground for parrots, not least due to examinations. Examinations allow for students to memorize subjects instead of encouraging understanding.

Of course, the education system does work well for some students. I do not consider myself to be one of the lucky crowd, however.

I do not like the way the world works. And do not tell me to go and change it, because, the world does not want to be changed. The world is too content with the way it is, and has settled into a giant capitalistic monstrous organism. You see, the problem with capital flow (i.e. flow of money) is that there will always be winners and losers. Usually, the winners keep on winning and the losers, well, keep on losing.

I admit that I do not have a solution for the ills of this world. Like I said, I am not going to change it.

I am just going to run away from it, as far as I can.

Love
Your son

PS: I probably will finish my stint in school after all. What a pity. Made a mistake? Never mind. Do not give up. Learn from your mistake, try again, do a better job.

Except some times, when a mistake is made, there are no more chances. In a death match between two seasoned and experienced warriors, there is no room for mistakes. Every sense honed to the fullest potential must be infused with the every ounce of concentration conjured. A simple lapse of focus would mean an opening for the opponent to exploit, beckoning a single stroke of sleek steel blade to end the battle. Parry after parry, attack after counter attack, feints after dodges. Each fighter waits for an attack of opportunity, while maintaining the integrity of his own defense.

Made a mistake? Never mind. Because you are already dead.

In the heat of a battle, perfection is demanded. But we usually forget this, because every time we make mistakes, we are forgiven and can try again. So much so that we become accustomed to such a practice, and blissfully ignore the fact that "second chances" is a privilege. Death solves all problems. No man, no problem.
- Joseph Stalin

That is utilitarianism for you.

Utilitarianism's lesser cousin, negative utilitarianism would lead to something like a genocide, at best. Well, smallest harm to the greatest number. "If you don't have a plan for yourself, you'll be part of someone else's."

Nothing special. Not an argument. Not soliciting an opinion. Just stating facts. Obviously, relativism poses certain problems when from trying merely to understand the world we pass on to taking action in the world: and right decisions are not always easy to find. However, it is also obvious that authoritarians who know the complete answers beforehand will necessarily be intolerant of relativism: they should be, if there is only one truth and that is theirs.

The problem of relativism.
No point in arguing contradictory stands. None will yield. None will bow down. Maybe, just maybe there might reach a compromise.

Compromise:
Let's agree to respect each other's views, no matter how wrong yours may be.

Clearly, any form of persuasion will prove futile and worthless. So, let me ignore all the noise and avoid such traps. I will go my own way. I want to live free.
Because life is a gamble.

Deferred gratification? I do not wish to subscribe to such a scheme. Allow me to share this story with you. It is a short story about finding meaning in life and excess materialism. I hope you would find it as meaningful to yourself as it did to me.

I read the article from this website
http://www.svrart.com/writing/lemontree.php

Lemon Tree

Egel was dreaming of the lemon tree. "Oh how great it would feel to have it" - he thought. Egel was a long-eared deer. He was smart and things were going very well. He knew he would get the lemon tree soon. Just a little more effort. A beautiful bell and a pretty shell went by.

Time passed. Egel got his lemon tree. But what had happened to the joy he had anticipated so much? It had lasted a short time and was now gone. "But", he consoled himself, "the next tree would be better". It was bigger and the fruits, sweeter. Egel was now dreaming of the bigger lemon tree. "Oh how great it would feel to have it" - he thought. Things were going well. He knew he would get to the lemon tree. Just some more effort. A flower and a grasshopper went by.

Time passed. On a whim, he looked around and was puzzled by what he saw. Why were the elephant, the ant and the mouse looking so drawn and sad? Why was he looking so sad? With a shock, Egel realized that they were all running. Running hard for the next bigger tree. But Egel still had energy. He ran. Time passed and he got to his bigger lemon tree.

Alas! Once again the joy was fleeting and soon he was running for the even bigger tree. Egel was now getting tired. "Why am I running?" - he wondered. Why are we all running? Why is the lemon tree not making me happy? Is there even a lemon tree? Egel thought hard. Yes, it was now coming back to him. Long ago, when he was little, his teachers had told him that lemons were useful and therefore more lemons brought more happiness. So he had run. And so they all ran. They had run hard. They had run long. Time had passed. Times had changed. The teachers had died and the land had changed. But a habit is hard to break and so they all still ran for the bigger lemon tree.

With a sigh, Egel ran again. But this time he felt a little strange. As soon as he started running he somehow knew there was no lemon tree. But.. why was he feeling lighter and freer? It was as though a weight he had carried for a long, long time had suddenly just fallen off. He had never felt like this before. "But what if I do not get to the lemon tree?" - he worried. Am I just being lazy? What will the elephant, the ant and the mouse think of me?

A beautiful bell then caught his eye. He paused to look at it. It looked strange. He had not really looked at one since he was little. He talked to the bell. He had not known that a bell could talk. "Dear elephant, dear ant and oh mouse, look and talk to the bell" - he shouted. But they were too busy running for the lemon tree.

Egel talked to the bell for some time. The bell knew things he had never even thought of. He then said goodbye and started running again. He had now lost interest in the race. Even the elephant and the ant could sense it.

A little time passed. Egel saw a pretty shell. He stopped and the shell said - "Hello". Hello, Egel smiled. The two talked. The shell was an interesting fellow. He had been lost in the western forests for days and had once been washed away by the mighty Irada when she was furious with the melting snow. Egel listened and learnt a lot. He realized that he was listening and seeing more clearly. He felt very happy and even looked different.

The two talked for quite a while. Then Egel took his leave. He had now stopped running.

"Who am I?" - he suddenly thought. What should I do? Egel wrestled with this for a long time. He talked to the flowers and the grasshoppers along the way. Slowly the answer dawned on him. He was a deer and shared his spirit with corn. As soon as he realized this, a field appeared from nowhere with the sign - "Help wanted". Egel stopped running for good and became a farmer. He grew corn. He was much happier. Every once in a while he would look across the fields puzzled as the others ran on. "People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world."
- Calvin and Hobbes

This quote reeks with arrogance, really. But in terms of veracity, I do not see any problems. Anyway, I will leave this discussion for another day. For now, I will log down how my personal outlook on the world has changed.

I used to be an idealist, dreaming big dreams of a peaceful united world. Then I became a realist, pessimism complete with a free worst-case scenario generator. Now I am less cynical. I accept the world the way it is. I take it the way it is.

The world is a strange place, but not so much the world that is strange, but the people in it. There are all kinds of people in this world. The good, bad and ugly... and the list goes on. I do not know if I can manage all these personality types. So what I will do is just to strike it out on my own. Do what ever suits myself.

Basically, my train of thought is very well reflected by the character Jubal Harshaw in the book Stranger in a Strange Land.

My dear, I used to think I was serving humanity... and I pleasured in the thought. Then I discovered that humanity does not want to be served; on the contrary it resents any attempt to serve it. So it seems that God has infinite patience.

Even if I choose to reject His will and plan for me, he will wait for my return. He would not hate me, He would not be angry with me. Of course, He would be mighty sad. But then again, so many have left His grace, what is one more?

So let me see, I guess I can test His patience. Back off I'll take you on
Headstrong to take on anyone
I know that you are wrong
Headstrong we're headstrong
Back off I'll take you on
Headstrong to take on anyone
I know that you are wrong and this is not where you belong
I can't give everything away
I won't give everything away

There is no time to lose. Some times people who think too much come up with notions that are so incredulous, that you feel like jumping off a building.

I feel like jumping off a building. What is a cookie worth?
A dollar?
A dollar fifty?
Two dollars?
Or is a cookie worth as much as another cookie?

How much is a dollar worth?
A cookie?

I think that money is not worth anything. Not unless you use it. What is the use of having millions if you are never going to spend it? The money would be worthless. "What makes us human may one day be defined not by the gifts we posses, but by the virtues we lack."

Some people are just unbelievable.

I just get hopping mad sometimes. Yes, frustration is in my dictionary.

Then I think, I should just keep to myself and do things myself, to save myself a whole lot of trouble.

"The basic job human beings have is to figure out what the hell is going on."

Maybe we all make mistakes. So, I will just forget it and leave the past behind me, as always. The Desiderata really got it right about this one: Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. So when will this end
It goes on and on
And over and over and over again
Keep spinning around I know that it wont stop
Till I step down from this

I am reminded why I prefer reticence.

Lone wolf.

It is a good day to die,
When you know the reason why.

Because human life is cheap. The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
- Robert Bloch

How very scheming. I like this cunning.

Premise 1: Who ever knows the mind of God can answer my questions.
Premise 2: No one knows the mind of God.
Conclusion: No one can answer my questions.

I always reach a dead end when you fall back on the "God works in mysterious ways" argument. That is all fine and dandy to the believer - we cannot know what God refuses to let us know, so just accept that as fact - but where does that leave me? It is as though I were presented with a immaculate scapegoat that I am not able to touch. Tantalizing me, but always out of reach.

The easiest way to divert away all questions.
Ask God. I think I have found a good read.

If you wish to learn and appreciate something worth while, then love to be unknown and considered as nothing. I am caught in a dragnet and know not where I am headed.
I am moving down a factory line like all the others.
I am a single snowflake subsumed into a rolling snowball.
I am transient, as a cherry blossom is.
I am just a tool.
Who am I, exactly?
Who am I meant to be?
Even if I become somebody, what about the other nobodies?

The institution of free will allows us to bear the consequences of our own choices. That is, if we have free will.

If everybody was somebody, nobody will be anybody.

Spread your Wings by Blind Guardian cover

Sammy was low
Just watching the show
Over and over again
Knew it was time
He'd made up his mind
To leave his dead life behind
His boss said to him
"Boy you'd better begin,
To get those crazy notions right out of your head
Sammy who do you think that you are?
You should've been sweeping up the Emerald Bar"

Spread your wings and fly away
Fly away, far away
Spread your little wings and fly away
Fly away, far away
Pull yourself together
'Cos you know you should do better
That's because you're free man

He spends his evenings alone in his hotel room
Keeping his thoughts to himself, he'd be leaving soon
Wishing he was miles and miles away
Nothing in this world, nothing would make him stay

Since he was small
Had no luck at all
Nothing came easy to him
Now it was time
He'd made up his mind
"This could be my last chance"

His boss said to him,"Now listen boy!
You're always dreaming
You've got no real ambition, you won't get very far
Sammy boy, don't you know who you are?
Why can't you be happy at the Emerald Bar?"

So honey,

Spread your wings and fly away
Fly away, far away
Spread your little wings and fly away
Fly away, far away
Pull yourself together
'Cos you know you should do better
That's because you're free man "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places"
Ephesians 6:12

I was reading a forum thread a while ago. The discussion was about the existence of the devil, demons and possession.

The big burning question by skeptics is, if such things existed, how come I do not witness or experience such things? They never seemed to bother atheists, when atheists should be the easiest targets. This was refuted. The devil would not want to disturb an unbeliever. The devil wants them to stay right where they are, in their unbelief.

But then, could a believer be deluding himself in lies, twisting reality to fit his own conceptions? I mean, some people claim to see UFOs, which I find highly dubious.

There are many things science cannot explain. But science is not stagnant, nor static, nor stationary. Science is not whole. Science is dynamic. Science is a continual search for answers and explanations for the world. What if, some thing we cannot explain scientifically now, can be explained in the future with new science?

I feel so confused. What if I am looking for a God that never was? What if I lived as though I were free only to realize when I die that God wanted me for some other purpose?

Still stuck with malaise.

"God... Sorry if these questions sound a little sarcastic. It's just that we've been asking these for a very long time and we haven't heard from you yet. Are you listening?"
www.ethicalatheist.com/docs/questions_for_god.html
Older Post | Newer Post

I asked, Do you believe in life after death?
And was replied, No, if I did I would rather die right now.

Some times, the people around me surprise me with their answers. Some times I ask myself if any one will ever understand me. Every time I try to explain myself, I get incredulous stares or massive resistance. I am being absurd to live such a passive life, since I have the potential to achieve so much more. I should not limit myself by closing doors of opportunity so early in life.

It is as if every one believes that I have a great destiny to fulfill.

It could be that I am just being headstrong - but I cannot understand you, and seems to me that this feeling is mutual.

Since talking is futile, why not try avoidance?
And now I am giving up on being understood as well. Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Choose your words, for they become actions.
Understand your actions, for they become habits.
Study your habits, for they will become your character.
Develop your character, for it will become your destiny.

Therefore, my thoughts define my destiny.

What have I been thinking of lately?

None of us really grow up. All we ever do is learn how to behave in public.
- Keith Johnstone I have resigned to a fate of mediocrity!

I have been searching for direction to my life. In the end, a futile search. I have been looking in the wrong places. Most of the people around me are just as clueless as I am. Those who have their aspirations cannot satisfactorily justify to me why they are motivated so.

Or maybe I am a cynic who scorns every little thing. But see, many great men have come and gone along this same journey to make sense of our lives, and all left empty handed. Who am I to suddenly escape this labyrinth? There is no point, really, in trying to find the answers, because I would not succeed.

The only purpose in my life is the meaning which I create for myself.

Then I must ask, what is worth living for? Nothing is worth living for. Nothing at all, says my first reaction. Then I wonder, with death brings the unknown. And death is inevitable. Gaining death means losing life. I have been granted death the moment I was conceived, so why bother losing my life now? I might as well wait it out and experience each moment.

Between a choice of Death versus Death plus a extended time to live, I would take the latter. Life is worth living for. Life and every thing in it. Even the nasty things, or wicked things, or violent things. Like I said, every thing is worth living for. We just do not know how to appreciate.

When in intense pain, you may regard death as an immense relief to suffering. But remember, every experience is unique by itself.

So here I am, still looking for some directions.
Who am I? Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
- David Letterman

Perhaps what I have given up on, is a hope of a better future. The hope that mankind has a final destiny. The hope that there is a grand design.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
- Albert Einstein Attended Theory of Knowledge Focus III today.

I did not find it very fruitful. Anyway, ACS Independent is a very, very wealthy school. Very imposing. Very huge. Very expensive.

So what is the good life? I think each individual should decide that for themselves. I hate meddling in the business of other people.

I seem to be treading on dangerous grounds, nowadays. I start having opinions of the actions of others. I start judging. I should just mind my own business. Oh well.

On another note, I met some old friends today. Some from ACS(I), some from the other colleges. You know, I think my parents will freak if I told her I want to quit school.

Dear Daddy and Mummy

When you enrolled me in school, you forgot to tell me that a myriad of unnecessary subjects would be shoved down my throat. You neglected to mention the amount of time wasted when teachers reteach the same topics already covered before. Neither did you warn me about teachers who insist things done their way, and their way only.

Nevertheless, thank you for enrolling me in school, because I can express myself with this language called English. I am sure the people who read this are similarly appreciative of their benefactors.

All children will grow up to face the harsh reality of society, so I thank you for giving me a little taste of the real world in this institution called school. What I noticed was that the majority of students were really trained parrots, regurgitating information taught to them. School is the breeding ground for parrots, not least due to examinations. Examinations allow for students to memorize subjects instead of encouraging understanding.

Of course, the education system does work well for some students. I do not consider myself to be one of the lucky crowd, however.

I do not like the way the world works. And do not tell me to go and change it, because, the world does not want to be changed. The world is too content with the way it is, and has settled into a giant capitalistic monstrous organism. You see, the problem with capital flow (i.e. flow of money) is that there will always be winners and losers. Usually, the winners keep on winning and the losers, well, keep on losing.

I admit that I do not have a solution for the ills of this world. Like I said, I am not going to change it.

I am just going to run away from it, as far as I can.

Love
Your son

PS: I probably will finish my stint in school after all. What a pity. Made a mistake? Never mind. Do not give up. Learn from your mistake, try again, do a better job.

Except some times, when a mistake is made, there are no more chances. In a death match between two seasoned and experienced warriors, there is no room for mistakes. Every sense honed to the fullest potential must be infused with the every ounce of concentration conjured. A simple lapse of focus would mean an opening for the opponent to exploit, beckoning a single stroke of sleek steel blade to end the battle. Parry after parry, attack after counter attack, feints after dodges. Each fighter waits for an attack of opportunity, while maintaining the integrity of his own defense.

Made a mistake? Never mind. Because you are already dead.

In the heat of a battle, perfection is demanded. But we usually forget this, because every time we make mistakes, we are forgiven and can try again. So much so that we become accustomed to such a practice, and blissfully ignore the fact that "second chances" is a privilege. Death solves all problems. No man, no problem.
- Joseph Stalin

That is utilitarianism for you.

Utilitarianism's lesser cousin, negative utilitarianism would lead to something like a genocide, at best. Well, smallest harm to the greatest number. "If you don't have a plan for yourself, you'll be part of someone else's."

Nothing special. Not an argument. Not soliciting an opinion. Just stating facts. Obviously, relativism poses certain problems when from trying merely to understand the world we pass on to taking action in the world: and right decisions are not always easy to find. However, it is also obvious that authoritarians who know the complete answers beforehand will necessarily be intolerant of relativism: they should be, if there is only one truth and that is theirs.

The problem of relativism.
No point in arguing contradictory stands. None will yield. None will bow down. Maybe, just maybe there might reach a compromise.

Compromise:
Let's agree to respect each other's views, no matter how wrong yours may be.

Clearly, any form of persuasion will prove futile and worthless. So, let me ignore all the noise and avoid such traps. I will go my own way. I want to live free.
Because life is a gamble.

Deferred gratification? I do not wish to subscribe to such a scheme. Allow me to share this story with you. It is a short story about finding meaning in life and excess materialism. I hope you would find it as meaningful to yourself as it did to me.

I read the article from this website
http://www.svrart.com/writing/lemontree.php

Lemon Tree

Egel was dreaming of the lemon tree. "Oh how great it would feel to have it" - he thought. Egel was a long-eared deer. He was smart and things were going very well. He knew he would get the lemon tree soon. Just a little more effort. A beautiful bell and a pretty shell went by.

Time passed. Egel got his lemon tree. But what had happened to the joy he had anticipated so much? It had lasted a short time and was now gone. "But", he consoled himself, "the next tree would be better". It was bigger and the fruits, sweeter. Egel was now dreaming of the bigger lemon tree. "Oh how great it would feel to have it" - he thought. Things were going well. He knew he would get to the lemon tree. Just some more effort. A flower and a grasshopper went by.

Time passed. On a whim, he looked around and was puzzled by what he saw. Why were the elephant, the ant and the mouse looking so drawn and sad? Why was he looking so sad? With a shock, Egel realized that they were all running. Running hard for the next bigger tree. But Egel still had energy. He ran. Time passed and he got to his bigger lemon tree.

Alas! Once again the joy was fleeting and soon he was running for the even bigger tree. Egel was now getting tired. "Why am I running?" - he wondered. Why are we all running? Why is the lemon tree not making me happy? Is there even a lemon tree? Egel thought hard. Yes, it was now coming back to him. Long ago, when he was little, his teachers had told him that lemons were useful and therefore more lemons brought more happiness. So he had run. And so they all ran. They had run hard. They had run long. Time had passed. Times had changed. The teachers had died and the land had changed. But a habit is hard to break and so they all still ran for the bigger lemon tree.

With a sigh, Egel ran again. But this time he felt a little strange. As soon as he started running he somehow knew there was no lemon tree. But.. why was he feeling lighter and freer? It was as though a weight he had carried for a long, long time had suddenly just fallen off. He had never felt like this before. "But what if I do not get to the lemon tree?" - he worried. Am I just being lazy? What will the elephant, the ant and the mouse think of me?

A beautiful bell then caught his eye. He paused to look at it. It looked strange. He had not really looked at one since he was little. He talked to the bell. He had not known that a bell could talk. "Dear elephant, dear ant and oh mouse, look and talk to the bell" - he shouted. But they were too busy running for the lemon tree.

Egel talked to the bell for some time. The bell knew things he had never even thought of. He then said goodbye and started running again. He had now lost interest in the race. Even the elephant and the ant could sense it.

A little time passed. Egel saw a pretty shell. He stopped and the shell said - "Hello". Hello, Egel smiled. The two talked. The shell was an interesting fellow. He had been lost in the western forests for days and had once been washed away by the mighty Irada when she was furious with the melting snow. Egel listened and learnt a lot. He realized that he was listening and seeing more clearly. He felt very happy and even looked different.

The two talked for quite a while. Then Egel took his leave. He had now stopped running.

"Who am I?" - he suddenly thought. What should I do? Egel wrestled with this for a long time. He talked to the flowers and the grasshoppers along the way. Slowly the answer dawned on him. He was a deer and shared his spirit with corn. As soon as he realized this, a field appeared from nowhere with the sign - "Help wanted". Egel stopped running for good and became a farmer. He grew corn. He was much happier. Every once in a while he would look across the fields puzzled as the others ran on. "People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world."
- Calvin and Hobbes

This quote reeks with arrogance, really. But in terms of veracity, I do not see any problems. Anyway, I will leave this discussion for another day. For now, I will log down how my personal outlook on the world has changed.

I used to be an idealist, dreaming big dreams of a peaceful united world. Then I became a realist, pessimism complete with a free worst-case scenario generator. Now I am less cynical. I accept the world the way it is. I take it the way it is.

The world is a strange place, but not so much the world that is strange, but the people in it. There are all kinds of people in this world. The good, bad and ugly... and the list goes on. I do not know if I can manage all these personality types. So what I will do is just to strike it out on my own. Do what ever suits myself.

Basically, my train of thought is very well reflected by the character Jubal Harshaw in the book Stranger in a Strange Land.

My dear, I used to think I was serving humanity... and I pleasured in the thought. Then I discovered that humanity does not want to be served; on the contrary it resents any attempt to serve it. So it seems that God has infinite patience.

Even if I choose to reject His will and plan for me, he will wait for my return. He would not hate me, He would not be angry with me. Of course, He would be mighty sad. But then again, so many have left His grace, what is one more?

So let me see, I guess I can test His patience. Back off I'll take you on
Headstrong to take on anyone
I know that you are wrong
Headstrong we're headstrong
Back off I'll take you on
Headstrong to take on anyone
I know that you are wrong and this is not where you belong
I can't give everything away
I won't give everything away

There is no time to lose. Some times people who think too much come up with notions that are so incredulous, that you feel like jumping off a building.

I feel like jumping off a building. What is a cookie worth?
A dollar?
A dollar fifty?
Two dollars?
Or is a cookie worth as much as another cookie?

How much is a dollar worth?
A cookie?

I think that money is not worth anything. Not unless you use it. What is the use of having millions if you are never going to spend it? The money would be worthless. "What makes us human may one day be defined not by the gifts we posses, but by the virtues we lack."

Some people are just unbelievable.

I just get hopping mad sometimes. Yes, frustration is in my dictionary.

Then I think, I should just keep to myself and do things myself, to save myself a whole lot of trouble.

"The basic job human beings have is to figure out what the hell is going on."

Maybe we all make mistakes. So, I will just forget it and leave the past behind me, as always. The Desiderata really got it right about this one: Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. So when will this end
It goes on and on
And over and over and over again
Keep spinning around I know that it wont stop
Till I step down from this

I am reminded why I prefer reticence.

Lone wolf.

It is a good day to die,
When you know the reason why.

Because human life is cheap. The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
- Robert Bloch

How very scheming. I like this cunning.

Premise 1: Who ever knows the mind of God can answer my questions.
Premise 2: No one knows the mind of God.
Conclusion: No one can answer my questions.

I always reach a dead end when you fall back on the "God works in mysterious ways" argument. That is all fine and dandy to the believer - we cannot know what God refuses to let us know, so just accept that as fact - but where does that leave me? It is as though I were presented with a immaculate scapegoat that I am not able to touch. Tantalizing me, but always out of reach.

The easiest way to divert away all questions.
Ask God. I think I have found a good read.

If you wish to learn and appreciate something worth while, then love to be unknown and considered as nothing. I am caught in a dragnet and know not where I am headed.
I am moving down a factory line like all the others.
I am a single snowflake subsumed into a rolling snowball.
I am transient, as a cherry blossom is.
I am just a tool.
Who am I, exactly?
Who am I meant to be?
Even if I become somebody, what about the other nobodies?

The institution of free will allows us to bear the consequences of our own choices. That is, if we have free will.

If everybody was somebody, nobody will be anybody.

Spread your Wings by Blind Guardian cover

Sammy was low
Just watching the show
Over and over again
Knew it was time
He'd made up his mind
To leave his dead life behind
His boss said to him
"Boy you'd better begin,
To get those crazy notions right out of your head
Sammy who do you think that you are?
You should've been sweeping up the Emerald Bar"

Spread your wings and fly away
Fly away, far away
Spread your little wings and fly away
Fly away, far away
Pull yourself together
'Cos you know you should do better
That's because you're free man

He spends his evenings alone in his hotel room
Keeping his thoughts to himself, he'd be leaving soon
Wishing he was miles and miles away
Nothing in this world, nothing would make him stay

Since he was small
Had no luck at all
Nothing came easy to him
Now it was time
He'd made up his mind
"This could be my last chance"

His boss said to him,"Now listen boy!
You're always dreaming
You've got no real ambition, you won't get very far
Sammy boy, don't you know who you are?
Why can't you be happy at the Emerald Bar?"

So honey,

Spread your wings and fly away
Fly away, far away
Spread your little wings and fly away
Fly away, far away
Pull yourself together
'Cos you know you should do better
That's because you're free man "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places"
Ephesians 6:12

I was reading a forum thread a while ago. The discussion was about the existence of the devil, demons and possession.

The big burning question by skeptics is, if such things existed, how come I do not witness or experience such things? They never seemed to bother atheists, when atheists should be the easiest targets. This was refuted. The devil would not want to disturb an unbeliever. The devil wants them to stay right where they are, in their unbelief.

But then, could a believer be deluding himself in lies, twisting reality to fit his own conceptions? I mean, some people claim to see UFOs, which I find highly dubious.

There are many things science cannot explain. But science is not stagnant, nor static, nor stationary. Science is not whole. Science is dynamic. Science is a continual search for answers and explanations for the world. What if, some thing we cannot explain scientifically now, can be explained in the future with new science?

I feel so confused. What if I am looking for a God that never was? What if I lived as though I were free only to realize when I die that God wanted me for some other purpose?

Still stuck with malaise.

"God... Sorry if these questions sound a little sarcastic. It's just that we've been asking these for a very long time and we haven't heard from you yet. Are you listening?"
www.ethicalatheist.com/docs/questions_for_god.html
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