Women prefer men who have something tender about them - especially legal tender.

Any exceptions? Placebo effect for dummies:
How you can fool yourself into relief.

For workaholics to understand themselves better, and for slackers who cannot escape the reality of work.

Mind over body, mind over body, mind over body, the phrase keeps repeating.
This is hypnosis, no? Some times the mind gets blown away.
But better than rotting in decay, I say.

Georg Friedrich Bernhard Riemann was a great man. Who has life the easiest?
The ones who are not controlled by deadlines.

Assignments which are due, matters to be attended to, work that must be completed, food that must be served before one starves. All these deadlines chase us down a path called life. When will we ever be able to drive our own life? Or will we be driven by others' expectations of us all our lives?

Well they can expect the unexpected, and I will face the music. Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that is the stuff life is made of.
Benjamin Franklin

The next time some one tells you that we all have the same amount of time in a day as everyone else, you can launch into an argument of the theory of relativity.

Start speaking about time dilation and how you can gain more time than others by living in a low-altitude area whilst constantly moving at high speeds. So, you can conclude that we do not really have twenty four hours a day each, relatively speaking.

Of course, you will probably get on the nerves of your friends if they do not understand what you are talking about. You also probably would have wasted a few minutes of both your lives.

Better make full use of your life, before your life is over, before your life is taken over by responsibilities and commitments.

For he lives twice who can at once employ, the present well, and even the past enjoy.
Alexander Pope Running through the dense green thicket, I stumble over sprawling roots and slinked under hanging boughs. There is light shining through the forest canopy ahead. I burst into the clearing and bask in the glorious rays of sunlight. The warmth on my skin a stark contrast from the cool dew-soaked clothes of mine, sticking onto my skin. I draw in a deep breath, taking in all the goodness and freshness of this divine sanctuary. The usual droning of the city life replaced by soothing chirps of individual birds, joining their voices to form a medley like none other. I reach up and select a ripe fruit from the bunch. With a deft twist, I plucked a a fruit and eagerly bite in. The sweetness of the juice flow effortlessly down my throat, while a tinge of sourness remains on my tongue.

How far can virtual reality go? We have long been able to manipulate our sense of smell by creating artificial aromas. More recently, with television and cinemas, our sense of sight has been compromised as well. Let us not forget how technology has given us 4-dimensional joyrides, or even the Wii game console by Nintendo. There goes our sense of touch as well. How much longer before we would be completely encased in a body capsule, being fed with images, scents, pressure, flavour and sounds?

What if we already are? And what if, after escaping from the virtual-reality pod, we find that what we escaped from was actually a virtual world within another virtual world? And what about after that? Infinite regression is not a dead end. On the contrary, it is never ending.

What if, I did not have a corporeal body. What if, I only had my mind. Every neural access point connected to the electrical circuit of a supercomputer. Within this supercomputer, a program defines the nature of the physical reality, the way the world works. Every empirical fact we know of, stems from this supercomputer. Every other person becomes a non-playing character. Just me, existing in a computer program.

Then only one thing is real, only my consciousness.

If God created us, then we must be artificial intelligence. "When one person suffers from a delusion it is called insanity. When many people suffer from a delusion it is called religion."
-Robert Pirsig's Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance

I was listening to my two friends talk. There was a philosopher who was an atheist, and on his deathbed, he said, unless one makes the assumption of God, life would be meaningless.

I am on a long wandering and eventful journey.
I am on an odyssey.

I want to know the truth, because right now, all I have left to stand on is a single point of immutability. Cogito ergo sum - I think, therefore I am. Religion, is dubious. Science, is not infallible. The ultimately depressing fact about all this contemplating is, I am not alone. Many others have tread this path, and indeed, are treading this path. I never heard of any being enlightened by the truth. Or maybe I am just too insensitive to hear of such successes.

Well, an odyssey is an odyssey. I am supposed to be wandering.

Any wonder why wander sounds like wonder? "I do not know what I am doing here." - My friend

That was today, while still in the waiting room, before we were presented up on stage. I guess, we all need to find our purpose and direction. Otherwise, we will be wondering aimlessly. Worse, we might just be acting on borrowed compasses and maps, seeking some one else's treasure instead of our own. Some people live for the fortune
Some people live just for the fame
Some people live for the power, yeah
Some people live just to play the game
Some people think that the physical things
Define what's within
And I've been there before
But that life's a bore
So full of the superficial

From If I Ain't Got You by Alicia Keys

I am out of touch with you. You think you know better. You think I should be up there with the big bucks in the future. "A little more money would not hurt," so said one of the brothers who went into the city to find work, "a few more years and I would make enough." A few years later, he asks for more time, to make a little more money. When will enough be enough when what we want is excess?

Let me live day to day. Who knows what the future will bring? But no, I am not afraid of what is to come.

Que sera sera - Whatever will be, will be. You know, today I posed a question to myself.

"What is important in my life?"

The fact is, at the moment, I cannot think of any thing to say while being true to myself. Sure, I could say the usual - God, Family, Friends, School, etcetera. But that would be due to convention rather than conviction. In my heart, I do cannot bring myself to value these things. Not when I believe that the notion of academics have been perverted from its original essence.

Why do people learn? Why do people study? Nowadays, we do that just for the grades, just for the result slip, just for the certificate. What education should be for the masses is to foster a yearning for new knowledge instead of a rat-race of qualifications. I believe learning can take place out of school - home schooling seems a viable alternative to me. The grading system is corrupted. I agree that educational institutions require the system to filter out those who are unable to keep up, but grades became the central focus, and students care more for their marks than their understanding of a subject.

I commonly observe my course mates lamenting on their score upon receiving their marked scripts. I hardly see one inquiring about the underlying concept of the problem at hand.

School does not create new thought. School does not create progress. School breeds parrots who regurgitate old knowledge. (at least in the case of sciences)

All earthly things must pass.
And so my family, friends and I will pass away as well.

In this, I must admit that my stand is governed by a teaching in Buddhism, the Four Noble Truths.

1. Life means suffering.
2. The origin of suffering is attachment.
3. The cessation of suffering is attainable.
4. The path to the cessation of suffering.

I am mainly concerned with the second point, that the origin of suffering is attachment. If attachment to the people around me will cause me to suffer grief when they are gone, then why not cease suffering by detachment? Why feel an affinity for something that will not last? I adopt a stoic acceptance that all things done are done, and all things that will happen - our deaths - will happen. As horrendous as this might sound, family and friends are dispensable due to the very fact that they will die one day.

Finally, God.
Frankly, I have delved into this issue numerous times over the years of blogging, more so within the last ten months or so, however.

This evening, I met the rest up at the Cenacle. We had some fellowship, prayer and sharing. Surprise, we shared on our obstacles to faith. I realised that many of my friends are going through rough patches in their faith lives as well. However, they all seem to be so certain of God's presence. On the contrary, my faith has degenerated into a insurance policy of some sort, just in case I find God along the way, I rather not be caught on the wrong side of Canon Law.

Mr Ang shares his two cents worth. I guess, what he says makes sense. My doubting and skepticism more than makes up for the negative viewpoint of my faith. What I need now are opinions from the other side. Testimonies of the faith. Then I can make my choice.

After all, faith is a choice.
We all choose whether we want to take that leap of faith.
So I cannot claim that God is important to me. If He was, my heart and my soul would be devoted to Him. I cannot understand how people who profess their faith in God do things contrary to their religion. Seems as if their lives had no faith at all.

Maybe the only thing that is important in my life right now is the search for my personal truth. Lethargy has decided to hang over me for the past few days.
My mind was a blank for most of today.
I wish I knew what my priorities are.

I was reading about Thomas Kuhn and his book, the Structure of Scientific Revolutions. Basically, he seems to be advocating that science does not progress linearly. Rather, by a series of paradigm shifts. Still reading up on Thomas Kuhn and his works.

Chronologically, Kuhn distinguishes between three phases. The first phase, which exists only once, is the pre-paradigm phase, in which there is no consensus on any particular theory, though the research being carried out can be considered scientific in nature. This phase is characterized by several incompatible and incomplete theories. If the actors in the pre-paradigm community eventually gravitate to one of these conceptual frameworks and ultimately to a widespread consensus on the appropriate choice of methods, terminology and what kind of experiment is likely to contribute to increased insights, then the second phase, normal science, begins. As long as there is general consensus within the discipline, normal science continues. The third phase is that of revolutionary science, which usually follows a period of crisis. A period of crisis is a time when an anomaly or anomalies in research reveal weakness or incompatibility of a paradigm. The period of research that yields a new paradigm is called the period of revolutionary science. A science may go through these cycles repeatedly, though Kuhn notes that it is a good thing for science that such shifts do not occur often or easily.

- Wikipedia, The Structure of Scientific Revolutions

But a thought just struck me. The meaning to my life could possibly be similar to his theory of paradigm shifts. That elusive feeling of purpose, direction and motive, is not a singularity. The meaning of life might be to do well academically today, and take on a different theme such as proficiency in basketball tomorrow. After all, existentialists believe that humans create their own meaning in life. They did not specify that the meaning was permanent.

So here I am, working within the framework of an old paradigm, feeling quite sick with the anomalies I find. I am tired of "normal" meaning. So I guess I am in the "crisis" stage. Time to look for the "revolutionary" meaning, then?

I think I am going crazy. Pardon my English.
But I think project work is bull shit.
Sure makes me wonder why I do what I do.
Why I do what I do not like to do.
It is of absolutely no interest to me, and I detest the pretentious nature which I have to present my evaluations and reports.

Because of the system.
We abide in the system.
We have the abide the rules.
We are slaves to the system.

The world looks unkindly on rebels. Don't ask, it's forbidden to know, what final fate the gods have given to me and you, Leuconoe, and don't consult Babylonian horoscopes. How much better it is to accept whatever shall be, whether Jupiter has given many more winters or whether this is the
last one, which now breaks the force of the Tuscan sea against the facing cliffs. Be wise, strain the wine, and trim distant hope within short limits. While we're talking, grudging time will already have fled: seize the day, trusting as little as possible in tomorrow.

- Quintus Horatius Flaccus

Memento mori, remember your mortality.
Have minimal faith in tomorrow.
Cast your lot into the moment, that has now come and gone, and throw in your lot once again. A well-known scientist (some say it was Bertrand Russell) once gave a public lecture on astronomy. He described how the earth orbits around the sun and how the sun, in turn, orbits around the center of a vast collection of stars called our galaxy. At the end of the lecture, a little old lady at the back of the room got up and said: "What you have told us is rubbish. The world is really a flat plate supported on the back of a giant tortoise." The scientist gave a superior smile before replying, "What is the tortoise standing on?" "You're very clever, young man, very clever," said the old lady. "But it's turtles all the way down!"

Excerpt from A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking

I, the cynic, am tired of this infinite regression. Now I try my luck as a handyman in an entirely different world of fantasy. In a world where imagination and luck are the limit. A whole lot simpler, I think.

The world of Dungeons and Dragons. "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Let go and let God. Causality.

When you push a ball, the ball rolls away. The cause (pushing) resulted in the effect (rolling away). Simple cause and effect. The ball rolls off a cliff and makes a splash in the water below. The cause (rolling off the cliff) resulted in the effect (splash). Simple cause and effect. Put them all together and it can be inferred that the splash was actually caused by you pushing the ball.

Taking this concept the the universal level, this chain of cause and effect can be strung back to the beginning of the universe. The Big Bang, when the First Cause (some times referred to as the Creator) kick started the whole universe into motion. Every atom obeys physical laws, so it follows that the movement of every atom was already defined in the beginning. Effect will naturally follow the cause.

A caused B which caused C which caused D which caused E which caused... which caused the universe to be what it is today.

If this is true, then we are nothing but a mass of particles moving in a predetermined manner. Every perception and thought and action would be decided in the beginning. I guess, that would mean, we are not truly alive. The particles which is me coincidentally works together. We are just machine. All life is no life.

This, I cannot accept.
I can think. I am conscious. My thoughts and emotions are not decided already. I decide them.
For the sake of every thing I live for and live by, I cannot accept this.

But what if?
Well, when quantum physics advances further, and mankind's understanding of quarks and leptons and other quantum particles deepens, perhaps I would be fully convinced.

Science thrives in uncertainty. Dust in the Wind by Kansas

I close my eyes, only for a moment, and the moment's gone
All my dreams, pass before my eyes, a curiosity
Dust in the wind, all they are is dust in the wind
Same old song, just a drop of water in an endless sea
All we do, crumbles to the ground, though we refuse to see
Dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind
Don't hang on, nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky
It slips away, all your money won't another minute buy
Dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind Jenny: Do you ever dream, Forrest, about who you're gonna be?
Forrest Gump: Who I'm gonna be?
Jenny: Yeah.
Forrest Gump: Aren't-aren't I going to be me?

So there goes youth day of the year 2008 - never again to be mine. Life is unpredictable. What is our destiny? People say we choose our own destiny. Well, if you think about the matter, our personal choice does affect our future. But circumstances do play an important role in our fate as well.

I cannot blame ill fate. By that same coin, it means that I cannot count myself as fortunate. Some things are simply beyond my power to change. What I can do then, is to be proactive, and manipulate what I have to steer my life in the direction I want. Not much to work with, but I think, better than nothing.

Time tells all.

Mrs. Gump: Life's a box of chocolates, Forrest. You never know what you're gonna get.

And only time will tell. Have you ever read the Prince and the Pauper by Mark Twain?

People are shaped by their circumstances. Simple cause and effect. What if I was born in a different environment? What if I was born in a different age? Could it be possible that the beggar on the street should have been a tycoon had it not been for his unfortunate past? I have a secured place in school, but does that mean that my peer in a third world country with no education is not as smart as I am?

Inequalities in the world ensure that people never live their full potential.

"For all sad words of tongue and pen, The saddest are these, 'It might have been'."
- John Greenleaf Whittier quotes (American Writer, 1807-1892) So I was back at my alma mater this evening to watch the anniversary parade, looking smart in my shirt and tie. Later in the night, my comrades and I left to a nearby hawker center to enjoy the long-missed camaraderie.

Just laughing over our dinner, smiling, having fun, forgetting ourselves in this fellowship.

Simple things in life makes the whole of a difference. Yet still, I was wondering if relations would change in the future.
So if we get the big jobs
And we make the big money
When we look back now
Will our jokes still be funny?
That song by Vitamin C was going through my head as I was journeying home.

Well, I hope I will be able to make it down to East Coast on Monday, and am looking forward to Tuesday where my friend will tell me about God and the meaning of life.

I speak as if I will live to see tomorrow. What if tomorrow never comes?
I will never know, never know until tomorrow arrives. All things must pass.

This world is transient. The whole existence of humanity, takes on this characteristic from the world, and is ephemeral as well.

200,000 years since "modern" humans appeared.
Estimated 4,600,000,000 years since Earth was formed.
Much longer since the universe was first created in the Big bang theory.

Our existence is barely on the threshold of 0.01% of the history of the Earth. And yet we conquer the Earth, reign over this little oasis in the unforgiving conditions of the galaxy. We construct systemic societies, conscript citizens into this capitalist farm, fattening us up with the daily routines and activities, preparing us for the slaughterhouse.

Can you not pause and reflect on your measly existence? Insignificant. Worthless. Dispensable.

But still, we are alive, conscious, and most important of all, we are free.
You can submit to the drudgery.
Or you can live life on the edge.
You are free, after all.

All things must pass.
So will I. So will I.

Ozymandias by Percy Bysshe Shelley.

I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them on the sand,
Half sunk, a shatter'd visage lies, whose frown
And wrinkled lip and sneer of cold command
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamp'd on these lifeless things,
The hand that mock'd them and the heart that fed.
And on the pedestal these words appear:
"My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"
Nothing beside remains: round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare,
The lone and level sands stretch far away. And now I have a thousand dollars to spend at a night bazaar.

Rows and rows of shops and stalls fill the area, forming one big endless labyrinth. I see stalls selling delicious snacks, glittering accessories, big stuffed toys. I see booths offering to tell my fortune, tickets to a circus troop, or a exhilarating game of darts. All forms of goods sold by people from all walks of life. And here I have a thousand dollars to spend on what attracts my attention.

So I stroll down an aisle, contemplating how best I would spend my money. But alas, I had no means of telling the time, neither would any one oblige to let me know. And thus I wandered around on this faithful night, with the knowledge that dawn could come anytime, and with dawn, the passing of this magical market.

I had better play my cards well, and purchase what I greatly desire without hesitation - For if dawn sneaked up upon this place without my buying of anything, what a great pity that would be, if I did not put to use a thousand dollars to spend on these little pleasures.

As I was appraising a crystal ball of amazing craftsmanship, I spied in my peripheral vision a huge mass of crowd pushing towards a single stand alone stall. Overwhelmed by curiosity, I moved to the edge of the crowd. But the commotion and the wall of bodies prevented me making out what the big fuss was about. I pushed and squirmed my way to the front and lo and behold, what a scene.

People were emptying all their money into a soft felt bag. I thought the bag would burst from all those notes people were stuffing in, but I was surprised that it still looked as slim as ever. My eyes could only grow wide at this absurdity.

A man holding a loud speaker announced the stakes.
All you have for infinity.
Ladies and gentlemen! Would you care to take a stand on whether dawn will come? Will this be a magical night to last forever? If this night is everlasting, then claim your infinite prize! Your one chance to gain infinite amounts of cash, all you need to do is to empty all your money into this bag. Remember to empty every thing! For if you cheat, I would know, and your ticket would be nullified! Are you willing to take the risk? Fortune favours the brave! Risk it all, for unimaginable rewards!

I fiddled in my pocket. Maybe I should follow the crowd, and cast my lot into this gamble as well. The temptation is great. I could feel the crispness of the notes. Would I be willing to give up all the other items I could buy with the cash I have? But the reward, infinity. A number which of such great magnitude that it cannot be represented.

What were the odds of us, the crowd, winning? But the bet still tempted me. I could have all the money I wanted to spend at a bazaar without worrying about the closing time.

Or else, I could now not have a single dollar to spend at a night bazaar.

And the theme of the night bazaar was life. And that bookie was religion. What if God does not exist?
I don't think I've experienced God... have I?
I mean, feeling his presence.
So if I am not aware of his presence, how do I know he is there?

That means that you have got to keep trying.
God does not answer you whenever you want him to.
There is this opportune moment.

Which is a problem here.
What if, he never answers me because he was just imagined by me?
And by the Catholic church.
And by the millions of people who have come to be brainwashed.
That is, if this personal God did not exist.

Now you have got me thinking.

Is that supposed to be good or bad?


The New Order by Blind Guardian

Would you open the door
Son I know the way
Soon a flickering light
Will grow
Leave it to me now.
Unchained
Unchained
Would you open the door
Enter the here and now
A new horizon
You'll rise you'll fall
And learn to live
Keep the faith - keep the pace

Your soul's like water but
Your fate is like the wind

Here is the new order
Hope shall be your guide
Praise the new order
Now let my spirit go

Do you remember
When we were moon knights?
We've slain the dragon
In the room
Now you see the future
Your quest the truth
How will it end up
I really do not know

This is no wonderland
Just keep in mind
Like a spell in certain books
Time will change it all

Away - oh please embrace me
Away - I will be gone

I'll take a look to see
What lies beyond
The break of dawn
Would you open the door
There is so much more to say

Keep the faith
Keep the pace.
Your soul's like water, but
Your fate is like the wind.

Here is the new order
Hope shall be your guide
Praise the new order
Now let my spirit go

Will you remember the old rule?
Will you fulfill this sacrifice?
Done for the future
Space for the new
How will it end up?
That's up to you

You're on the bridge -
On the borderline
No matter how
You'll never ever leave it

Here is the new order
Hope shall be your guide
Praise the new order
Now let my spirit go

Times will change

The soul's like water and
Like rain it will return

Live on in healing rain

The past shall find release We all choose and hope that we made the right choice.
Still I contemplate and am unable to act.

Is this a realisation of existentialism or a dark night of the soul?

Oh, I know this can't go on
but the ghost called fear inside
lames my tongue, my nerves, my mind
eternal fall down
someone cut the strings off
I can't move
to get back courage
I've to face the truth
but not today
goodbye

Does the world even care at all? Does the world even know at all? This angst, this anxiety, this emptiness, this dread. Why does it matter not to them?
Older Post | Newer Post

Women prefer men who have something tender about them - especially legal tender.

Any exceptions? Placebo effect for dummies:
How you can fool yourself into relief.

For workaholics to understand themselves better, and for slackers who cannot escape the reality of work.

Mind over body, mind over body, mind over body, the phrase keeps repeating.
This is hypnosis, no? Some times the mind gets blown away.
But better than rotting in decay, I say.

Georg Friedrich Bernhard Riemann was a great man. Who has life the easiest?
The ones who are not controlled by deadlines.

Assignments which are due, matters to be attended to, work that must be completed, food that must be served before one starves. All these deadlines chase us down a path called life. When will we ever be able to drive our own life? Or will we be driven by others' expectations of us all our lives?

Well they can expect the unexpected, and I will face the music. Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that is the stuff life is made of.
Benjamin Franklin

The next time some one tells you that we all have the same amount of time in a day as everyone else, you can launch into an argument of the theory of relativity.

Start speaking about time dilation and how you can gain more time than others by living in a low-altitude area whilst constantly moving at high speeds. So, you can conclude that we do not really have twenty four hours a day each, relatively speaking.

Of course, you will probably get on the nerves of your friends if they do not understand what you are talking about. You also probably would have wasted a few minutes of both your lives.

Better make full use of your life, before your life is over, before your life is taken over by responsibilities and commitments.

For he lives twice who can at once employ, the present well, and even the past enjoy.
Alexander Pope Running through the dense green thicket, I stumble over sprawling roots and slinked under hanging boughs. There is light shining through the forest canopy ahead. I burst into the clearing and bask in the glorious rays of sunlight. The warmth on my skin a stark contrast from the cool dew-soaked clothes of mine, sticking onto my skin. I draw in a deep breath, taking in all the goodness and freshness of this divine sanctuary. The usual droning of the city life replaced by soothing chirps of individual birds, joining their voices to form a medley like none other. I reach up and select a ripe fruit from the bunch. With a deft twist, I plucked a a fruit and eagerly bite in. The sweetness of the juice flow effortlessly down my throat, while a tinge of sourness remains on my tongue.

How far can virtual reality go? We have long been able to manipulate our sense of smell by creating artificial aromas. More recently, with television and cinemas, our sense of sight has been compromised as well. Let us not forget how technology has given us 4-dimensional joyrides, or even the Wii game console by Nintendo. There goes our sense of touch as well. How much longer before we would be completely encased in a body capsule, being fed with images, scents, pressure, flavour and sounds?

What if we already are? And what if, after escaping from the virtual-reality pod, we find that what we escaped from was actually a virtual world within another virtual world? And what about after that? Infinite regression is not a dead end. On the contrary, it is never ending.

What if, I did not have a corporeal body. What if, I only had my mind. Every neural access point connected to the electrical circuit of a supercomputer. Within this supercomputer, a program defines the nature of the physical reality, the way the world works. Every empirical fact we know of, stems from this supercomputer. Every other person becomes a non-playing character. Just me, existing in a computer program.

Then only one thing is real, only my consciousness.

If God created us, then we must be artificial intelligence. "When one person suffers from a delusion it is called insanity. When many people suffer from a delusion it is called religion."
-Robert Pirsig's Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance

I was listening to my two friends talk. There was a philosopher who was an atheist, and on his deathbed, he said, unless one makes the assumption of God, life would be meaningless.

I am on a long wandering and eventful journey.
I am on an odyssey.

I want to know the truth, because right now, all I have left to stand on is a single point of immutability. Cogito ergo sum - I think, therefore I am. Religion, is dubious. Science, is not infallible. The ultimately depressing fact about all this contemplating is, I am not alone. Many others have tread this path, and indeed, are treading this path. I never heard of any being enlightened by the truth. Or maybe I am just too insensitive to hear of such successes.

Well, an odyssey is an odyssey. I am supposed to be wandering.

Any wonder why wander sounds like wonder? "I do not know what I am doing here." - My friend

That was today, while still in the waiting room, before we were presented up on stage. I guess, we all need to find our purpose and direction. Otherwise, we will be wondering aimlessly. Worse, we might just be acting on borrowed compasses and maps, seeking some one else's treasure instead of our own. Some people live for the fortune
Some people live just for the fame
Some people live for the power, yeah
Some people live just to play the game
Some people think that the physical things
Define what's within
And I've been there before
But that life's a bore
So full of the superficial

From If I Ain't Got You by Alicia Keys

I am out of touch with you. You think you know better. You think I should be up there with the big bucks in the future. "A little more money would not hurt," so said one of the brothers who went into the city to find work, "a few more years and I would make enough." A few years later, he asks for more time, to make a little more money. When will enough be enough when what we want is excess?

Let me live day to day. Who knows what the future will bring? But no, I am not afraid of what is to come.

Que sera sera - Whatever will be, will be. You know, today I posed a question to myself.

"What is important in my life?"

The fact is, at the moment, I cannot think of any thing to say while being true to myself. Sure, I could say the usual - God, Family, Friends, School, etcetera. But that would be due to convention rather than conviction. In my heart, I do cannot bring myself to value these things. Not when I believe that the notion of academics have been perverted from its original essence.

Why do people learn? Why do people study? Nowadays, we do that just for the grades, just for the result slip, just for the certificate. What education should be for the masses is to foster a yearning for new knowledge instead of a rat-race of qualifications. I believe learning can take place out of school - home schooling seems a viable alternative to me. The grading system is corrupted. I agree that educational institutions require the system to filter out those who are unable to keep up, but grades became the central focus, and students care more for their marks than their understanding of a subject.

I commonly observe my course mates lamenting on their score upon receiving their marked scripts. I hardly see one inquiring about the underlying concept of the problem at hand.

School does not create new thought. School does not create progress. School breeds parrots who regurgitate old knowledge. (at least in the case of sciences)

All earthly things must pass.
And so my family, friends and I will pass away as well.

In this, I must admit that my stand is governed by a teaching in Buddhism, the Four Noble Truths.

1. Life means suffering.
2. The origin of suffering is attachment.
3. The cessation of suffering is attainable.
4. The path to the cessation of suffering.

I am mainly concerned with the second point, that the origin of suffering is attachment. If attachment to the people around me will cause me to suffer grief when they are gone, then why not cease suffering by detachment? Why feel an affinity for something that will not last? I adopt a stoic acceptance that all things done are done, and all things that will happen - our deaths - will happen. As horrendous as this might sound, family and friends are dispensable due to the very fact that they will die one day.

Finally, God.
Frankly, I have delved into this issue numerous times over the years of blogging, more so within the last ten months or so, however.

This evening, I met the rest up at the Cenacle. We had some fellowship, prayer and sharing. Surprise, we shared on our obstacles to faith. I realised that many of my friends are going through rough patches in their faith lives as well. However, they all seem to be so certain of God's presence. On the contrary, my faith has degenerated into a insurance policy of some sort, just in case I find God along the way, I rather not be caught on the wrong side of Canon Law.

Mr Ang shares his two cents worth. I guess, what he says makes sense. My doubting and skepticism more than makes up for the negative viewpoint of my faith. What I need now are opinions from the other side. Testimonies of the faith. Then I can make my choice.

After all, faith is a choice.
We all choose whether we want to take that leap of faith.
So I cannot claim that God is important to me. If He was, my heart and my soul would be devoted to Him. I cannot understand how people who profess their faith in God do things contrary to their religion. Seems as if their lives had no faith at all.

Maybe the only thing that is important in my life right now is the search for my personal truth. Lethargy has decided to hang over me for the past few days.
My mind was a blank for most of today.
I wish I knew what my priorities are.

I was reading about Thomas Kuhn and his book, the Structure of Scientific Revolutions. Basically, he seems to be advocating that science does not progress linearly. Rather, by a series of paradigm shifts. Still reading up on Thomas Kuhn and his works.

Chronologically, Kuhn distinguishes between three phases. The first phase, which exists only once, is the pre-paradigm phase, in which there is no consensus on any particular theory, though the research being carried out can be considered scientific in nature. This phase is characterized by several incompatible and incomplete theories. If the actors in the pre-paradigm community eventually gravitate to one of these conceptual frameworks and ultimately to a widespread consensus on the appropriate choice of methods, terminology and what kind of experiment is likely to contribute to increased insights, then the second phase, normal science, begins. As long as there is general consensus within the discipline, normal science continues. The third phase is that of revolutionary science, which usually follows a period of crisis. A period of crisis is a time when an anomaly or anomalies in research reveal weakness or incompatibility of a paradigm. The period of research that yields a new paradigm is called the period of revolutionary science. A science may go through these cycles repeatedly, though Kuhn notes that it is a good thing for science that such shifts do not occur often or easily.

- Wikipedia, The Structure of Scientific Revolutions

But a thought just struck me. The meaning to my life could possibly be similar to his theory of paradigm shifts. That elusive feeling of purpose, direction and motive, is not a singularity. The meaning of life might be to do well academically today, and take on a different theme such as proficiency in basketball tomorrow. After all, existentialists believe that humans create their own meaning in life. They did not specify that the meaning was permanent.

So here I am, working within the framework of an old paradigm, feeling quite sick with the anomalies I find. I am tired of "normal" meaning. So I guess I am in the "crisis" stage. Time to look for the "revolutionary" meaning, then?

I think I am going crazy. Pardon my English.
But I think project work is bull shit.
Sure makes me wonder why I do what I do.
Why I do what I do not like to do.
It is of absolutely no interest to me, and I detest the pretentious nature which I have to present my evaluations and reports.

Because of the system.
We abide in the system.
We have the abide the rules.
We are slaves to the system.

The world looks unkindly on rebels. Don't ask, it's forbidden to know, what final fate the gods have given to me and you, Leuconoe, and don't consult Babylonian horoscopes. How much better it is to accept whatever shall be, whether Jupiter has given many more winters or whether this is the
last one, which now breaks the force of the Tuscan sea against the facing cliffs. Be wise, strain the wine, and trim distant hope within short limits. While we're talking, grudging time will already have fled: seize the day, trusting as little as possible in tomorrow.

- Quintus Horatius Flaccus

Memento mori, remember your mortality.
Have minimal faith in tomorrow.
Cast your lot into the moment, that has now come and gone, and throw in your lot once again. A well-known scientist (some say it was Bertrand Russell) once gave a public lecture on astronomy. He described how the earth orbits around the sun and how the sun, in turn, orbits around the center of a vast collection of stars called our galaxy. At the end of the lecture, a little old lady at the back of the room got up and said: "What you have told us is rubbish. The world is really a flat plate supported on the back of a giant tortoise." The scientist gave a superior smile before replying, "What is the tortoise standing on?" "You're very clever, young man, very clever," said the old lady. "But it's turtles all the way down!"

Excerpt from A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking

I, the cynic, am tired of this infinite regression. Now I try my luck as a handyman in an entirely different world of fantasy. In a world where imagination and luck are the limit. A whole lot simpler, I think.

The world of Dungeons and Dragons. "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Let go and let God. Causality.

When you push a ball, the ball rolls away. The cause (pushing) resulted in the effect (rolling away). Simple cause and effect. The ball rolls off a cliff and makes a splash in the water below. The cause (rolling off the cliff) resulted in the effect (splash). Simple cause and effect. Put them all together and it can be inferred that the splash was actually caused by you pushing the ball.

Taking this concept the the universal level, this chain of cause and effect can be strung back to the beginning of the universe. The Big Bang, when the First Cause (some times referred to as the Creator) kick started the whole universe into motion. Every atom obeys physical laws, so it follows that the movement of every atom was already defined in the beginning. Effect will naturally follow the cause.

A caused B which caused C which caused D which caused E which caused... which caused the universe to be what it is today.

If this is true, then we are nothing but a mass of particles moving in a predetermined manner. Every perception and thought and action would be decided in the beginning. I guess, that would mean, we are not truly alive. The particles which is me coincidentally works together. We are just machine. All life is no life.

This, I cannot accept.
I can think. I am conscious. My thoughts and emotions are not decided already. I decide them.
For the sake of every thing I live for and live by, I cannot accept this.

But what if?
Well, when quantum physics advances further, and mankind's understanding of quarks and leptons and other quantum particles deepens, perhaps I would be fully convinced.

Science thrives in uncertainty. Dust in the Wind by Kansas

I close my eyes, only for a moment, and the moment's gone
All my dreams, pass before my eyes, a curiosity
Dust in the wind, all they are is dust in the wind
Same old song, just a drop of water in an endless sea
All we do, crumbles to the ground, though we refuse to see
Dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind
Don't hang on, nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky
It slips away, all your money won't another minute buy
Dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind Jenny: Do you ever dream, Forrest, about who you're gonna be?
Forrest Gump: Who I'm gonna be?
Jenny: Yeah.
Forrest Gump: Aren't-aren't I going to be me?

So there goes youth day of the year 2008 - never again to be mine. Life is unpredictable. What is our destiny? People say we choose our own destiny. Well, if you think about the matter, our personal choice does affect our future. But circumstances do play an important role in our fate as well.

I cannot blame ill fate. By that same coin, it means that I cannot count myself as fortunate. Some things are simply beyond my power to change. What I can do then, is to be proactive, and manipulate what I have to steer my life in the direction I want. Not much to work with, but I think, better than nothing.

Time tells all.

Mrs. Gump: Life's a box of chocolates, Forrest. You never know what you're gonna get.

And only time will tell. Have you ever read the Prince and the Pauper by Mark Twain?

People are shaped by their circumstances. Simple cause and effect. What if I was born in a different environment? What if I was born in a different age? Could it be possible that the beggar on the street should have been a tycoon had it not been for his unfortunate past? I have a secured place in school, but does that mean that my peer in a third world country with no education is not as smart as I am?

Inequalities in the world ensure that people never live their full potential.

"For all sad words of tongue and pen, The saddest are these, 'It might have been'."
- John Greenleaf Whittier quotes (American Writer, 1807-1892) So I was back at my alma mater this evening to watch the anniversary parade, looking smart in my shirt and tie. Later in the night, my comrades and I left to a nearby hawker center to enjoy the long-missed camaraderie.

Just laughing over our dinner, smiling, having fun, forgetting ourselves in this fellowship.

Simple things in life makes the whole of a difference. Yet still, I was wondering if relations would change in the future.
So if we get the big jobs
And we make the big money
When we look back now
Will our jokes still be funny?
That song by Vitamin C was going through my head as I was journeying home.

Well, I hope I will be able to make it down to East Coast on Monday, and am looking forward to Tuesday where my friend will tell me about God and the meaning of life.

I speak as if I will live to see tomorrow. What if tomorrow never comes?
I will never know, never know until tomorrow arrives. All things must pass.

This world is transient. The whole existence of humanity, takes on this characteristic from the world, and is ephemeral as well.

200,000 years since "modern" humans appeared.
Estimated 4,600,000,000 years since Earth was formed.
Much longer since the universe was first created in the Big bang theory.

Our existence is barely on the threshold of 0.01% of the history of the Earth. And yet we conquer the Earth, reign over this little oasis in the unforgiving conditions of the galaxy. We construct systemic societies, conscript citizens into this capitalist farm, fattening us up with the daily routines and activities, preparing us for the slaughterhouse.

Can you not pause and reflect on your measly existence? Insignificant. Worthless. Dispensable.

But still, we are alive, conscious, and most important of all, we are free.
You can submit to the drudgery.
Or you can live life on the edge.
You are free, after all.

All things must pass.
So will I. So will I.

Ozymandias by Percy Bysshe Shelley.

I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them on the sand,
Half sunk, a shatter'd visage lies, whose frown
And wrinkled lip and sneer of cold command
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamp'd on these lifeless things,
The hand that mock'd them and the heart that fed.
And on the pedestal these words appear:
"My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"
Nothing beside remains: round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare,
The lone and level sands stretch far away. And now I have a thousand dollars to spend at a night bazaar.

Rows and rows of shops and stalls fill the area, forming one big endless labyrinth. I see stalls selling delicious snacks, glittering accessories, big stuffed toys. I see booths offering to tell my fortune, tickets to a circus troop, or a exhilarating game of darts. All forms of goods sold by people from all walks of life. And here I have a thousand dollars to spend on what attracts my attention.

So I stroll down an aisle, contemplating how best I would spend my money. But alas, I had no means of telling the time, neither would any one oblige to let me know. And thus I wandered around on this faithful night, with the knowledge that dawn could come anytime, and with dawn, the passing of this magical market.

I had better play my cards well, and purchase what I greatly desire without hesitation - For if dawn sneaked up upon this place without my buying of anything, what a great pity that would be, if I did not put to use a thousand dollars to spend on these little pleasures.

As I was appraising a crystal ball of amazing craftsmanship, I spied in my peripheral vision a huge mass of crowd pushing towards a single stand alone stall. Overwhelmed by curiosity, I moved to the edge of the crowd. But the commotion and the wall of bodies prevented me making out what the big fuss was about. I pushed and squirmed my way to the front and lo and behold, what a scene.

People were emptying all their money into a soft felt bag. I thought the bag would burst from all those notes people were stuffing in, but I was surprised that it still looked as slim as ever. My eyes could only grow wide at this absurdity.

A man holding a loud speaker announced the stakes.
All you have for infinity.
Ladies and gentlemen! Would you care to take a stand on whether dawn will come? Will this be a magical night to last forever? If this night is everlasting, then claim your infinite prize! Your one chance to gain infinite amounts of cash, all you need to do is to empty all your money into this bag. Remember to empty every thing! For if you cheat, I would know, and your ticket would be nullified! Are you willing to take the risk? Fortune favours the brave! Risk it all, for unimaginable rewards!

I fiddled in my pocket. Maybe I should follow the crowd, and cast my lot into this gamble as well. The temptation is great. I could feel the crispness of the notes. Would I be willing to give up all the other items I could buy with the cash I have? But the reward, infinity. A number which of such great magnitude that it cannot be represented.

What were the odds of us, the crowd, winning? But the bet still tempted me. I could have all the money I wanted to spend at a bazaar without worrying about the closing time.

Or else, I could now not have a single dollar to spend at a night bazaar.

And the theme of the night bazaar was life. And that bookie was religion. What if God does not exist?
I don't think I've experienced God... have I?
I mean, feeling his presence.
So if I am not aware of his presence, how do I know he is there?

That means that you have got to keep trying.
God does not answer you whenever you want him to.
There is this opportune moment.

Which is a problem here.
What if, he never answers me because he was just imagined by me?
And by the Catholic church.
And by the millions of people who have come to be brainwashed.
That is, if this personal God did not exist.

Now you have got me thinking.

Is that supposed to be good or bad?


The New Order by Blind Guardian

Would you open the door
Son I know the way
Soon a flickering light
Will grow
Leave it to me now.
Unchained
Unchained
Would you open the door
Enter the here and now
A new horizon
You'll rise you'll fall
And learn to live
Keep the faith - keep the pace

Your soul's like water but
Your fate is like the wind

Here is the new order
Hope shall be your guide
Praise the new order
Now let my spirit go

Do you remember
When we were moon knights?
We've slain the dragon
In the room
Now you see the future
Your quest the truth
How will it end up
I really do not know

This is no wonderland
Just keep in mind
Like a spell in certain books
Time will change it all

Away - oh please embrace me
Away - I will be gone

I'll take a look to see
What lies beyond
The break of dawn
Would you open the door
There is so much more to say

Keep the faith
Keep the pace.
Your soul's like water, but
Your fate is like the wind.

Here is the new order
Hope shall be your guide
Praise the new order
Now let my spirit go

Will you remember the old rule?
Will you fulfill this sacrifice?
Done for the future
Space for the new
How will it end up?
That's up to you

You're on the bridge -
On the borderline
No matter how
You'll never ever leave it

Here is the new order
Hope shall be your guide
Praise the new order
Now let my spirit go

Times will change

The soul's like water and
Like rain it will return

Live on in healing rain

The past shall find release We all choose and hope that we made the right choice.
Still I contemplate and am unable to act.

Is this a realisation of existentialism or a dark night of the soul?

Oh, I know this can't go on
but the ghost called fear inside
lames my tongue, my nerves, my mind
eternal fall down
someone cut the strings off
I can't move
to get back courage
I've to face the truth
but not today
goodbye

Does the world even care at all? Does the world even know at all? This angst, this anxiety, this emptiness, this dread. Why does it matter not to them?
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