All this while humanity has required civilization and society to function. So it follows that the definition of humanity has tilted towards such a direction. A direction involving altruism and the concept of community. Care and concern are ideals, whereas hatred and cruelty are big pooh-poohs.

Had war and conflict been the norm in this world today, nations would crumble, cities would fall, communities would disintegrate, families would break. We would be individualistic and selfish.

Maybe this was how our history began, really, as aggressive individuals in an uncertain world. Somewhere along the line, people realised that strength existed in numbers, and decided to work together. This matured into villages, then cities, and provinces, to countries. Maybe one day we can merge to become a global community.

But it is interesting to note that humanity was not always as such as it is today. And interesting to induce that humanity will not always be as it is today.

Join us on the road to materialism, narcissism and apathy.

Manners easily and rapidly mature into morals.
- Horace Mann Some times, because I am so used to the general laws of physics, I conclude that all is priori knowledge. That it is inherent in the substance.

If only I knew how the world really worked. The law to unify all laws. But that would be blasphemous, would it not? There was a time when I swore that this blog would not be another dark, emotional blog crying out for attention. Looking at the past few posts, I seem to be edging towards the very thing I abhorred.

Anyway, life has been pretty passive for me for the past few days. I have been thinking about how ironic the holidays are. Why do they even bother to call that period of one month "holidays" when it is over-laden with school activities? Might as well be named a pseudo-break. My pseudo-break leading to my point-break. I reckon that I have been feeling depressed these past few days. I will paste myself a reminder to read every morning, that it is all in the mind. Happiness is a choice.

So it may seem to some that I am being irrational here - to choose suffering over enjoying. But I cannot be at peace until I know the truth about God. Does this saving God exist or not? Seek and ye shall find, knock and the door shall be opened, ask and ye shall receive. So far all my requests have gone ignored. Either that or God did not give me the grace to experience Him. Or maybe he does not exist. So I choose to continue questioning my faith, feeling angst and fear that there might be no afterlife after all. But then again, it is all in the mind. If I imagine that I am suffering, then well, too bad for me. I am. If I imagine that I am much more fortunate than others in the world, I will be exceptionally lucky.

Well, the school term is back with a bang. Mid-year examinations welcome me back. Or is it really the school term? If holidays are not much different from when there was school, who is to say what differentiates the two? So actually it could still be the holidays now. What a wonderful thought! And how believable, if you brainwash yourself to believe it.

Now let me try to fool myself.
This is the holidays.
This is the holidays.
The holidays never end.

This is will not be the last time I am saying this,
The mind is an amazing thing,
And how gullible too. Imagine being born in a different time and place.

The issue of faith would be easier to manage then. The inner me would not be forever asking why. Ever since I took on the subject of knowledge and inquiry, I have been reaching dead ends in my quest for truth about Christianity. I am digging for gold without a treasure map. All around me are the many potholes I have left on this barren land. I keep telling myself to stop this madness, to put down the shovel. I just need to believe that Christianity is true, then I will see the blessings that God has showered upon me. Then I will see the miracles that God works in the world every day. That would stop the madness, I tell myself.

Really? Would it really stop the madness? You are merely running away from reality. Are you not putting on tinted glasses, refusing to acknowledge all the suffering in the world today?

Remember the quote, "All it takes for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing". People suffer because others do not help them.

You are avoiding the issue of God. If evil results from man's actions, it follows that good is the result of mankind as well, not of God. And what of natural disasters, or even disabilities and disorders. If God is love, why create such suffering?

Maybe my previous stand was wrong. God made suffering to test our faith, so that our belief comes out so much stronger after the trial. Like gold that is tested, tempered and refined in the furnace. Job went through so much suffering, and because he held fast to the faith, he was rewarded dearly.

God seems to be sadistic now. He makes people suffer so that they can grow in faith? For the ultimate good? Your citation of the Book of Job is from the Bible, but how credible is the Bible? Of course, to pious Christians and Catholics, the Bible is the true word of God, and needs no evidence. However, many times, I have been told not to take the Biblical stories literally. The story is just a vehicle, with a passenger within. Like a parable with a message within. The parable may not be true, but what is important is the message to be delivered. As far as I am concerned, the Book of Job is reiterating the point that the faith rewards you in the end. May I ask, what if the Bible is not true?

That is where faith comes in. I do know that Jesus existed, and so did all the Popes, tracing back to Peter. Jesus was born sinless, and was condemned by Man, so that he could rise again.

How sure are you that Jesus rose from the dead?

There is the Shroud of Turin, for one, I am sure you like this evidence. Other than that, there are also the numerous believers who have lived and died for the faith as martyrs. Surely they would not have died for nothing?

The Shroud of Turin is interesting, yes, but we have had many cases of hoaxes before. If the shroud was so strong an evidence, why is it still so under-publicized? About the martyrs, I see a paradox. If I followed in the footsteps of saints and martyrs, I would add to their number, and maybe, just maybe in future, I would be cited among those special few! They died because they believed that the faith of those who went before them was true, who in turn believed that those who went before them had the true faith, who in turn... who in turn believed that Jesus was the way. Surely one man would not have died for nothing? Yet so many people die for nothing in the world today.

Day after day we will gratefully suffer for more
Predestined's our part so we bleed in the name of God

Don't believe in their eternity
We're still held in blindness
And I've been turned into a liar
If there is no heaven there won't be release There used to be a time when people cared to share their secrets with me. That was a long time ago. Nowadays my friends guard themselves well, and no amount of prying will make them open up. People change, I guess. So have I.

From the idealist I once was, to a down-to-earth realist, and now hoping to revert back to my original idealism. Call me colour blind, because I only see things in black and white. I view things objectively. Some where along the line my ideals were desecrated, leaving me icy and unfeeling.

It seems that I was never meant to be a full-fledged utilitarian. Under the cold professionalism, the old me some times emerged to engage in social events, smiling, laughing, enjoying the camaraderie. I imagine, I have been living the wrong way. My own two-faced hypocrisy will wreck havoc on my life.

Just as a side thought, the examinations are here. A blessing, I would say, which has allowed myself to be alone and undisturbed. Every one else is too busy studying.

Perhaps this "darker" side of me has always existed. Perhaps it has only manifested itself recently. Every thing seems to lack purpose now. No point playing. Yet I still do it. No point studying. Yet I still do it. No point living. Yet I still do it. Meaningless madness. Maybe it is the dearth of my faith.

I think I can understand why people turn homicidal.
Because their own lives do not matter to them anymore. They see no point in life. They draw a connection and other lives are meaningless as well. Why? Because the world goes on spinning with or without us. The sun continues shining. The universe remains as it is. The deaths of thousands will not make a difference, it just becomes statistics. Life goes on.

What do I want?
I want to see God in all his glory.
Nothing else matters, really. Not even the bloody examinations.

What if I never ever get to see God, even when I die? As the holidays come to a close, I shall not regret any time lost, any time wasted. Because what has passed is gone, and never mine again.

My time is now.
Just another day in paradise.
But wait, with no goal, no aspiration, no drive, where can I go?

Only dead fish swim with the stream.

Think. I have got to think. Think of an escape.
There is no plan B.
It is a do-or-die.

Once in a while, take a step back, and chastise myself. Things I should have done but did not do, things I should not have done but did anyway. I let my conviction to grow into a strong resolution. Yet after a while, I seem to drift away from my original direction. The whole cycle just keeps repeating.

I have come to the point where I cannot avoid asking, why is this so?

Is my conviction not strong enough? Or am I just a fool on an impossible journey? Maybe I just lack discipline. Maybe.

Chastise myself. Purge myself.
Prayer cleanses the soul; Pain cleanses the body. For those who seek perfection there can be no rest on this side of the grave. - Warhammer 40K: Dawn of War

No rest. No rest till death.
When I finally come to think of it, death is not such a bad thing.
Death is as natural as the Earth making its rounds around the Sun, as natural as the waters flowing towards the sea, as natural as the cherry blossoms falling onto the ground.
Death will get us all, in the end.

Life is the Emperor's currency, spend it well. - Warhammer 40K: Dawn of War I can live forever here. And if they were in the habit of conferring honours among themselves on those who were quickest to observe the passing shadows and to remark which of them went before, and which followed after, and which were together; and who were therefore best able to draw conclusions as to the future, do you think that he would care for such honours and glories, or envy the possessors of them? Would he not say with Homer, better to be the poor servant of a poor master, and to endure anything, rather than think as they do and live after their manner?

Extract of Allegory of the Cave by Plato

All the pomp and ceremony we manufacture, silently I curse, how much I despise them.
Better to be the poor servant of a poor master. And I'm a part of a machine
A puppet on the strings
A rebel, once
Now I'm an old man

Oh, I know this can't go on
But the ghost called fear inside
Lames my tongue, my nerves,
My mind
Eternal fall down
Someone cut the strings off
I can't move
To get back courage
I've to face the truth
But not today
Goodbye

Born in a mourning hall
Caught inside a web called life
The only way to get out soon
Is suicide
Born in a mourning hall
Pale souls built a frozen world
Infected brains
Will never reach the other side
The other side

One of my favourite songs by Blind Guardian, Born in a Mourning Hall. In the clearing stands a boxer,
And a fighter by his trade
And he carries the reminders
Of every glove that laid him down
And cut him till he cried out
In his anger and his shame,
"I am leaving, I am leaving."
But the fighter still remains. What is there left to believe?
Older Post | Newer Post

All this while humanity has required civilization and society to function. So it follows that the definition of humanity has tilted towards such a direction. A direction involving altruism and the concept of community. Care and concern are ideals, whereas hatred and cruelty are big pooh-poohs.

Had war and conflict been the norm in this world today, nations would crumble, cities would fall, communities would disintegrate, families would break. We would be individualistic and selfish.

Maybe this was how our history began, really, as aggressive individuals in an uncertain world. Somewhere along the line, people realised that strength existed in numbers, and decided to work together. This matured into villages, then cities, and provinces, to countries. Maybe one day we can merge to become a global community.

But it is interesting to note that humanity was not always as such as it is today. And interesting to induce that humanity will not always be as it is today.

Join us on the road to materialism, narcissism and apathy.

Manners easily and rapidly mature into morals.
- Horace Mann Some times, because I am so used to the general laws of physics, I conclude that all is priori knowledge. That it is inherent in the substance.

If only I knew how the world really worked. The law to unify all laws. But that would be blasphemous, would it not? There was a time when I swore that this blog would not be another dark, emotional blog crying out for attention. Looking at the past few posts, I seem to be edging towards the very thing I abhorred.

Anyway, life has been pretty passive for me for the past few days. I have been thinking about how ironic the holidays are. Why do they even bother to call that period of one month "holidays" when it is over-laden with school activities? Might as well be named a pseudo-break. My pseudo-break leading to my point-break. I reckon that I have been feeling depressed these past few days. I will paste myself a reminder to read every morning, that it is all in the mind. Happiness is a choice.

So it may seem to some that I am being irrational here - to choose suffering over enjoying. But I cannot be at peace until I know the truth about God. Does this saving God exist or not? Seek and ye shall find, knock and the door shall be opened, ask and ye shall receive. So far all my requests have gone ignored. Either that or God did not give me the grace to experience Him. Or maybe he does not exist. So I choose to continue questioning my faith, feeling angst and fear that there might be no afterlife after all. But then again, it is all in the mind. If I imagine that I am suffering, then well, too bad for me. I am. If I imagine that I am much more fortunate than others in the world, I will be exceptionally lucky.

Well, the school term is back with a bang. Mid-year examinations welcome me back. Or is it really the school term? If holidays are not much different from when there was school, who is to say what differentiates the two? So actually it could still be the holidays now. What a wonderful thought! And how believable, if you brainwash yourself to believe it.

Now let me try to fool myself.
This is the holidays.
This is the holidays.
The holidays never end.

This is will not be the last time I am saying this,
The mind is an amazing thing,
And how gullible too. Imagine being born in a different time and place.

The issue of faith would be easier to manage then. The inner me would not be forever asking why. Ever since I took on the subject of knowledge and inquiry, I have been reaching dead ends in my quest for truth about Christianity. I am digging for gold without a treasure map. All around me are the many potholes I have left on this barren land. I keep telling myself to stop this madness, to put down the shovel. I just need to believe that Christianity is true, then I will see the blessings that God has showered upon me. Then I will see the miracles that God works in the world every day. That would stop the madness, I tell myself.

Really? Would it really stop the madness? You are merely running away from reality. Are you not putting on tinted glasses, refusing to acknowledge all the suffering in the world today?

Remember the quote, "All it takes for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing". People suffer because others do not help them.

You are avoiding the issue of God. If evil results from man's actions, it follows that good is the result of mankind as well, not of God. And what of natural disasters, or even disabilities and disorders. If God is love, why create such suffering?

Maybe my previous stand was wrong. God made suffering to test our faith, so that our belief comes out so much stronger after the trial. Like gold that is tested, tempered and refined in the furnace. Job went through so much suffering, and because he held fast to the faith, he was rewarded dearly.

God seems to be sadistic now. He makes people suffer so that they can grow in faith? For the ultimate good? Your citation of the Book of Job is from the Bible, but how credible is the Bible? Of course, to pious Christians and Catholics, the Bible is the true word of God, and needs no evidence. However, many times, I have been told not to take the Biblical stories literally. The story is just a vehicle, with a passenger within. Like a parable with a message within. The parable may not be true, but what is important is the message to be delivered. As far as I am concerned, the Book of Job is reiterating the point that the faith rewards you in the end. May I ask, what if the Bible is not true?

That is where faith comes in. I do know that Jesus existed, and so did all the Popes, tracing back to Peter. Jesus was born sinless, and was condemned by Man, so that he could rise again.

How sure are you that Jesus rose from the dead?

There is the Shroud of Turin, for one, I am sure you like this evidence. Other than that, there are also the numerous believers who have lived and died for the faith as martyrs. Surely they would not have died for nothing?

The Shroud of Turin is interesting, yes, but we have had many cases of hoaxes before. If the shroud was so strong an evidence, why is it still so under-publicized? About the martyrs, I see a paradox. If I followed in the footsteps of saints and martyrs, I would add to their number, and maybe, just maybe in future, I would be cited among those special few! They died because they believed that the faith of those who went before them was true, who in turn believed that those who went before them had the true faith, who in turn... who in turn believed that Jesus was the way. Surely one man would not have died for nothing? Yet so many people die for nothing in the world today.

Day after day we will gratefully suffer for more
Predestined's our part so we bleed in the name of God

Don't believe in their eternity
We're still held in blindness
And I've been turned into a liar
If there is no heaven there won't be release There used to be a time when people cared to share their secrets with me. That was a long time ago. Nowadays my friends guard themselves well, and no amount of prying will make them open up. People change, I guess. So have I.

From the idealist I once was, to a down-to-earth realist, and now hoping to revert back to my original idealism. Call me colour blind, because I only see things in black and white. I view things objectively. Some where along the line my ideals were desecrated, leaving me icy and unfeeling.

It seems that I was never meant to be a full-fledged utilitarian. Under the cold professionalism, the old me some times emerged to engage in social events, smiling, laughing, enjoying the camaraderie. I imagine, I have been living the wrong way. My own two-faced hypocrisy will wreck havoc on my life.

Just as a side thought, the examinations are here. A blessing, I would say, which has allowed myself to be alone and undisturbed. Every one else is too busy studying.

Perhaps this "darker" side of me has always existed. Perhaps it has only manifested itself recently. Every thing seems to lack purpose now. No point playing. Yet I still do it. No point studying. Yet I still do it. No point living. Yet I still do it. Meaningless madness. Maybe it is the dearth of my faith.

I think I can understand why people turn homicidal.
Because their own lives do not matter to them anymore. They see no point in life. They draw a connection and other lives are meaningless as well. Why? Because the world goes on spinning with or without us. The sun continues shining. The universe remains as it is. The deaths of thousands will not make a difference, it just becomes statistics. Life goes on.

What do I want?
I want to see God in all his glory.
Nothing else matters, really. Not even the bloody examinations.

What if I never ever get to see God, even when I die? As the holidays come to a close, I shall not regret any time lost, any time wasted. Because what has passed is gone, and never mine again.

My time is now.
Just another day in paradise.
But wait, with no goal, no aspiration, no drive, where can I go?

Only dead fish swim with the stream.

Think. I have got to think. Think of an escape.
There is no plan B.
It is a do-or-die.

Once in a while, take a step back, and chastise myself. Things I should have done but did not do, things I should not have done but did anyway. I let my conviction to grow into a strong resolution. Yet after a while, I seem to drift away from my original direction. The whole cycle just keeps repeating.

I have come to the point where I cannot avoid asking, why is this so?

Is my conviction not strong enough? Or am I just a fool on an impossible journey? Maybe I just lack discipline. Maybe.

Chastise myself. Purge myself.
Prayer cleanses the soul; Pain cleanses the body. For those who seek perfection there can be no rest on this side of the grave. - Warhammer 40K: Dawn of War

No rest. No rest till death.
When I finally come to think of it, death is not such a bad thing.
Death is as natural as the Earth making its rounds around the Sun, as natural as the waters flowing towards the sea, as natural as the cherry blossoms falling onto the ground.
Death will get us all, in the end.

Life is the Emperor's currency, spend it well. - Warhammer 40K: Dawn of War I can live forever here. And if they were in the habit of conferring honours among themselves on those who were quickest to observe the passing shadows and to remark which of them went before, and which followed after, and which were together; and who were therefore best able to draw conclusions as to the future, do you think that he would care for such honours and glories, or envy the possessors of them? Would he not say with Homer, better to be the poor servant of a poor master, and to endure anything, rather than think as they do and live after their manner?

Extract of Allegory of the Cave by Plato

All the pomp and ceremony we manufacture, silently I curse, how much I despise them.
Better to be the poor servant of a poor master. And I'm a part of a machine
A puppet on the strings
A rebel, once
Now I'm an old man

Oh, I know this can't go on
But the ghost called fear inside
Lames my tongue, my nerves,
My mind
Eternal fall down
Someone cut the strings off
I can't move
To get back courage
I've to face the truth
But not today
Goodbye

Born in a mourning hall
Caught inside a web called life
The only way to get out soon
Is suicide
Born in a mourning hall
Pale souls built a frozen world
Infected brains
Will never reach the other side
The other side

One of my favourite songs by Blind Guardian, Born in a Mourning Hall. In the clearing stands a boxer,
And a fighter by his trade
And he carries the reminders
Of every glove that laid him down
And cut him till he cried out
In his anger and his shame,
"I am leaving, I am leaving."
But the fighter still remains. What is there left to believe?
Older Post | Newer Post

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