Today I chanced upon some wondrous idioms .

Examinations get a little stifling after a two hour sit . To add to the atmosphere , you were there . As sure as eggs , you wanted us to stay behind after the paper . I wonder if you ever felt having an egg on your face . Nay , I say you never felt the least embarrassed . You really know how to lay an egg , yes all of us were bored to the edge of existence . Relate this to drifting between dreamland and reality . All your talk is merely earning goose egg .

I do not know what triggered my animosity towards you . I normally do not hold grudges against anyone , something of a curate's egg . There are the pros and cons . Sometimes I become a pushover , yet that quality really affects the way I live . A chicken and egg situation , really . Maybe the past incessant requests for the portfolio , or maybe your almighty talk-down attitude , or yet again maybe your hypocrisy when you accuse me of impoliteness when you disrespect prayers too . Detestful behavior number more than I can count on my fingers .

You have this assumption that the whole lot of us are bad eggs , but remember you are also part of this sorry group so what makes you a good egg ? I have long decided not to over egg the pudding . No use trying so hard , trying to convince you is akin to teaching my grandmother to suck eggs . Or so it would seem . I stated before , you talk down - you do not sway to the winds of others opinions . I learnt long ago not to put all my eggs in one basket , so thank goodness I have other matters of interest to occupy myself .

I admit I have many flaws , I cannot boil an egg for one . That addition was unnecessary as cooking has nothing to do with this , but just including some spice . However , of all the things I fall short of , killing the goose that lays the golden egg is not in my list . We are an amazing band of merry men , in case you have not noticed . Now our merry turned to despair instead . What goes through your mind every time you rattle us with lectures ? For all I know you could be a sadist , but on a lighter note , you could be thinking , I cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs . So that offers a logical explanation of your actions , whipping us into shape .

Post Scriptum : I just got my allowance today , an additional building block to my nest egg ! More motivation to egg myself on . The examinations are upon me !

What might I have been up to lately ? Instead of pouring through the scores of textbooks that litter my desk , I consult the vast library called the internet . I read articles of every nature : Greek mythology , How to polish shoes , How fuel cells work , How the sun works , Movie quotes ... You get the idea .

I have not touched any topic relating to those tested . I will not be surprised if I saw silverfish inside my books .

This must be the manifestation of procrastination . I should actually keep a notebook of my aims and goals . I think I will do it after my examinations , or is this another attempt to deviate ?

Yet what do I procrastinate for ? For subjects most of which I may never use in the future ? For good grades for the high life as my life unfolds ?

All I want is a simple life .
Is it so difficult to achieve that ?
What a paradox . Fratres !

Three weeks from now , I will be harvesting my crops . Imagine where you will be , and it will be so . Hold the line ! Stay with me ! If you find yourself alone , riding in the green fields with the sun on your face , do not be troubled . For you are in Elysium , and you're already dead !

Brothers , what we do in life , echoes in eternity .

Maybe not three weeks . About six months instead . "In a word, neither death, nor exile, nor pain, nor anything of this kind, is the real cause of our doing or not doing any action, but our opinions and the decisions of our will."

The quote all boils down to my individual choice again . I realised that my thinking is much like stoicism . No wonder the philosophy seemed familiar to me when I first read the article .

Extracted from the "Mind Your Body" of The Straits Times.

Pursuit Of Happiness No. 2: Is the glass half empty or half full?

In the second part of a series by Gary Hayden about happiness, he talks about Greek philosopher Epictetus, who says we can be happy even in the most trying circumstances.

Last week, I considered the views of Epicurus who taught that the key to happiness is pleasure.

The pleasures Epicurus had in mind were simple ones: wholesome food, the company of friends and a tranquil life. But what if these basic pleasures are denied us? What if we are sick, hungry or imprisoned? What if our loved ones are taken from us? Can we still be happy?

According to Epictetus (AD55-135), the answer is yes: We can be happy even in the most trying circumstances.

LIVED AS A SLAVE

Epictetus was a Greek, but lived mostly in Rome. He started life as a slave to Epaphroditus, one of Nero's bodyguards, and was crippled as a result of the brutal treatment he received.

He later became a freed man and lived in Rome until the Emperor Domitian banished all philosophers from Italy. He spent his final years teaching and writing in the city of Nicopolis on the Adriatic coast in north-west Greece.

If health, freedom and security are essential to happiness, then Epictetus had plenty of reasons to be miserable. But he refused to be crushed by circumstances. He developed a philosophy that enabled him to endure slavery, disability and banishment cheerfully.

Epictetus' philosophy was so powerful and so profound that it came to be adopted by some of Rome's ruling elite, including the Emperor Marcus Aurelius (AD 121-180).

IN CONTROL

Epictetus was a Stoic—a disciple of a school of philosophy founded by Zeno of Citium in 3 BC. According to Zeno, if we are wise, we must learn to bow to the inevitable and cultivate indifference to circumstances outside our control. He practised what he preached. When all of his possessions were lost in a shipwreck, he merely remarked: "Fortune bids me be a less encumbered philosopher."

We cannot always control our circumstances, but we can control how we react to those circumstances. Epictetus put it very eloquently: "I must die. But must I die groaning? I must be imprisoned. But must I whine as well? I must suffer exile. Can anyone hinder me from going with a smile, and a good courage, and at peace?"

Of course, if we are too ready to accept things as they are, we may not try hard enough to make things better. Epictetus recognised this and emphasised the need to distinguish between things we can control and things we cannot.

The Stoic need not resign himself to circumstances that he has the power to change. If he is sick, he ought to seek a cure. But if the sickness cannot be cured, he must try to bear it cheerfully. Fretting and cursing will only make matters worse.

To illustrate this, the philosopher Cleanthes used the metaphor of a dog tied to a cart. When the cart moves, the dog must follow. Straining against the leash will only increase the creature's discomfort.

Epictetus could have nursed anger and bitterness about his misfortunes: his days in slavery, his disability and his banishment from Rome. But what would this have achieved? In bowing to the inevitable, he was able to channel his energies more productively and find happiness and contentment.

STOICISM AND THE MODERN WORLD

Stoicism has proved an enduring philosophy. Throughout the ages, it has enabled the sick, the poor and the oppressed to find peace of mind amid the most trying circumstances.

But stoicism is not only for the destitute. Those of us who are comfortably off—and have few genuine problems—are often just as likely to let circumstances get us down. So a healthy dose of stoicism can benefit us all.

Why fret when stuck in traffic? Why curse the heat or the rain? Why become angry because a flight is delayed? Far better to adopt an attitude of stoic indifference. After all, what cannot be cured must be endured. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. An excerpt from a post from a blog of my friend .
The story has an intriguing analogy of the trials in life .

OOLONG TEA .

A carrot , an egg , and a cup of Oolong tea . You will never look at a cup of Oolong the same way again .

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her . She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up . She was tired of fighting and struggling . It seemed as one problem was solved , a new one arose .

Her mother took her to the kitchen . She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire . Soon the pots came to boil . In the first she placed carrots , in the second she placed eggs , and in the last she placed Oolong tea . She let them sit and boil ; without saying a word .

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners . She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl . She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl .

Then she ladled the Oolong out and placed it in a bowl . Turning to her daughter , she asked , "Tell me what you see ."

"Carrots , eggs and Oolong tea ," she replied .

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots . She did and noted that they were soft . The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it . After pulling off the shell , she observed the hard boiled egg .

Finally , the mother asked the daughter to sip the Oolong . The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma The daughter then asked , "What does it mean , mother ?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity : boiling water . Each reacted differently . The carrot went in strong , hard , and unrelenting . However , after being subjected to the boiling water , it softened and became weak . The egg had been fragile . Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior , but after sitting through the boiling water , its inside became hardened . The Oolong tea was unique , however . After they were in the boiling water , they had changed the water color and taste .

"Which are you ?" she asked her daughter . "When adversity knocks on your door , how do you respond ? Are you a carrot , an egg or a Oolong tea ?"

Think of this : Which am I ? Am I the carrot that seems strong , but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength ?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart , but changes with the heat ? Did I have a fluid spirit , but after a death , a breakup , a financial hardship or some other trial , have I become hardened and stiff ? Does my shell look the same , but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart ?

Or am I like the Oolong tea ? The tea actually changes the hot water , the very circumstance that brings the pain . When the water gets hot , it releases the fragrance and flavor . If you are like the tea , when things are at their worst , you get better and change the situation around you . When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest , do you elevate yourself to another level ?

How do you handle adversity ? Are you a carrot , an egg or a Oolong tea ?

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet , enough trials to make you strong , enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy .

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything ; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way . The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past ; you can’t go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches .

When you were born , you were crying and everyone around you was smiling .
Live your life so at the end , you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying .

May I have enough happiness , enough trials , enough sorrow and enough hope to keep me human .

You promote violence and hate and death , the fraudulent night watcher . I was in the MRT this afternoon on my way back from City Hall . My hyperactive imagination ran amok . Scenarios like a bomb explosion and contemplating my fate , standing at the interval of two carriages . You incite murders of your neighbours .

Keep me human . I was awoken by rumblings in the distance . The echoes could have been an explosion or maybe the construction works near my house . Realisation dawns on me that the deep rumblings are actually from thunder .

Only about thirty thousand years ago , Neanderthals became extinct and Homo sapiens inherited the Earth . Civilizations were created and destroyed . Man dabbled in science and sought ability to manipulate and comprehend the world .

Bypass the millenniums and I pause to stare the world just one or two centuries before . See the sapient race of man . New inventions springing up as mushrooms after rain . Technology advances with great speed . The countries north of the equator modernise . A new age has begun .

I imagine myself a man from five hundred years ago , without an electronic fan or an incandescent bulb . Lo and behold , skyscrapers are towering into the sky . An impossible contraption flying overhead . Beautiful neon lights in the city . Amazing of video footages captured in a hand held camera . The world has progressed much within such a short span of time , considering the earth is millions of years old .

Yet advancement gone so far as to lead myself to forget the wonders of Earth itself . The majestic jade crown is being chipped , the pearls being transmuted to less desired lapis lazuli . Bid good bye to the silent mammoth trees , part with the shrinking ice caps . Prepare to contend with the rising seas . The world is changing .

"Until the last tree is cut down , the last river is dried up and the last fish is caught will man realise that they cannot eat money ."

Are people like the Earth , then ?

I think so . Then I must uncover the wellsprings of my life and allow for my true feelings to work . I am smothered under signposts and maps . I do not need directions or goals , I only need purpose and meaning in what I do . Just wishing to recognise the true interior motives that define me , casting away rationalizing . After all , people are wonders of nature too . The song speaks for itself .

Michael Learns To Rock - Complicated Heart

Don't know what to say now
Don't know where to start
Don't know how to handle
A complicated heart
You tell me you are leaving
But I just have to say
Before you throw it all away

Even if you want to go alone
I will be waiting when you're coming home
If you need someone to ease the pain
You can lean on me, my love will still remain

Don't know what you're thinking
To me it seems quite tough
To hold a conversation
When words are not enough
If this is your decision
And there's nothing I can do
I can only say to you

Even if you want to go alone
I will be waiting when you're coming home
If you need someone to ease the pain
You can lean on me, my love will still remain Men are but flesh and blood . They know their doom , but not the hour .
- Emperor Uriel Septim VII , The Elder Scrolls IV : Oblivion

Another golden opportunity to be morbid , emotional , philosophical and other such descriptive adjectives along that line .
I am not sorry for sharing my life and thoughts about it . I guess I never will .

Thinking a little about what it meant to be dying . Firstly , I will rule out sudden death , where life is blown away by an explosion or savage strike . Let me talk about death which comes slower , slower relative to immediate decease . If a large boulder fell upon me and injured me fatally , if a crude dagger punctured my internal organ , if a swift arrow was shot true , if a stray bullet twists my innards beyond hope , if The Grim stands before me waiting to reap my soul what would be going through my mind ?

A big question mark . One of those things I poke and probe constantly and never find a consistent answer . I probably will find out when I lay on my deathbed . I could be praying to God for salvation , could be regretting all the iniquities I did , could be being grateful for the good things I had already lived , could be weeping for the things I have not had the chance to experience , could be the sympathy for the feeling of loss loved ones endure , could be the hurt of all my perseverence and efforts coming to an abrupt naught , could be indifference - what more would one more death make ?

Hades is waiting for me , I know it . I am dying , I know it . When you blurt at me satirically , Go die lah ! I say , Yea sure , in a few more decades . Yet underlying this prime example of bad humour , there is some truth in it . Just a while ago , I talked about death , the death which arrives tediously . Well is the end not waiting for all people , all the time ? Some just take the earlier transit out than others .

Hey Grim Reaper , I see you . Where is your scythe ? I know you have it , I know you are wielding your blade . Is your weapon swinging in a slow arch or is it a quick sweep you are about to exact from me ? Tell me Father Time , how long more do I have before departing . Your answer is silence , I accept that .

Since I have agreed , I should live with proper order .
Another question , can I do it ?

I shrug it off . Just remembered this catchy song I heard from quite a while back .
Reminds me of having too much thought in my head , like a radio .

" If I listen to the radio
Oh just my radio
That all my life
I will play my sounds to you
Anytime I feel the radio
Oh comes my radio
In my head ... "

Then I was looking at your blog and I was prompted to listen this song too .
Like how interesting , how true .

" Sing with me now
Sha-la-la-la-la-la
My, oh, my
Look at the boy too shy
He ain’t gonna kiss the girl
Sha-la-la-la-la-la
Ain't that sad
Ain't it shame, too bad
You gonna miss the girl " All the world's a stage ,
And all the men and women merely players .

From this point of view , I now question myself what character I play . Give me the limelight , says the extrovert , become rich and famous ! On the other hand , my alter self shies into the background , let me live life quietly and contently without the noise and hype ! Since both are equally attractive , I meet with a conundrum . I am uncertain of which way to go , which direction to take . Merely a boy sitting on the rocky bank , throwing pebbles across the lake too wide to see . Merely waiting for Lachesis to make the move .

For once , I have a substantial plan to propel me within this world of materialism . No more the tenuous start-business-and-rake-cash scheme . An realistic idea worth pursuing . However , this is exactly why my choice becomes all the more harder . Which life do I sacrifice ? The life of the stewardship , forgoing wealth and fame . The life of prestige , compromising on morals and principles to an extent .

Who am I ? Am I a blank slate waiting for chalk to scribble the lessons of life on me ? Am I new wine resting in the cellar for maturity ? How am I defined ? Am I a mirror mimicking the actions of others or am I stained glass depicting my own personality ?

I meet with a mental block writing my own script in this extravaganza , I am uncertain and undecided . All I know is that if I could stand upon the peak of a mountain , I would close my eyes and wish for eternity . The moment when my life intergrates with this earth . The second when my life is simple and free before the majestic powers spread around me . The time when I take a seat in the theatre and become the audience .

The stage is so vast , it is confusing .
I cannot see past the curtains or props or persons .
So I just wonder ,
even though all people are performers ,
how many of them are do not act ? I feel so alone .

You and I do not head the same direction .
Huge wastelands rise up to meet me .
Drawn and attracted to this path I tread .
I only pray my compass points true .
That there really will be Valhalla at the end .

Seeking for solace .

Maybe I am just beaten and tired .
Maybe I should just follow with where the winds blow .

I cannot believe you said I look like Cho Seung-Hui . Reporter on the street :
"Sir what do you think is society's biggest problem , ignorance or apathy ?"
Man :
"I don't know , I don't care ."

This was the nick on Melvin's messenger account . I tweaked it slightly .

I do not feel rebellious , I feel self-righteous .
How dangerous , I just landed on a minefield .
I assert my position , so do you .
Of course , you abuse your advantage .
Resent is incurred within me .

My wrath , my wrath , why do you always fail me when I need you most ?

Yet why wrath ? Anger solves no problems .
Satisfaction is merely temporary .

Better to act dumb deaf and blind .
Better to swallow all the hate and lies .

I will leave you alone and you shall do likewise .
I do not know and do not care . Today I suddenly thought of a funnel .

So I think that is what I will do .
I will funnel everything instead of pouring all over the place .

Focus , boys ! And The Story Ends - Blind Guardian

And the story ends
Insanity said coldly
Still waiting for the chance
So out of nowhere it will rise
Oh, and another journey starts
By the call of the moon
Was it really me
I saw in the mirror screaming
I swallowed hate and lies
Through a thousand cries
Someone's sucking out my energy

What can I do
On this road to nowhere

Heart of dragon lies
At the edge of time

And the story ends
Insanity said coldly
Still waiting for the chance
So out of nowhere it will rise
Oh, and another journey starts
Into insanity's claws

Come with me and join me
A new life's waiting for you
Jump through the mirror
Leave fear behind
No matter where I tried
The candle light seemed
Lost forever
Before my vision fades
-cathedral
-falling tears

We're not alone
There's someone else, too
From the mirror's other side
Reflecting the cruel part of your soul
It's time for your choise

What can I do
On this road to nowhere

Heart of dragon lies
At the edge of time

And the story ends
Insanity said coldly
Still waiting for the chance
So out of nowhere it will rise
Oh, and another journey starts
By the call of the moon

Heart of dragon lies

What can I do
On this road to nowhere

Heart of dragon lies
At the edge of time

And the story ends
Insanity said coldly
Still waiting for the chance
So out of nowhere it will rise
Oh, and another journey starts
Into sanity's claws

I'm not a king
I'm just a bard
How can I trust
If there is good and bad
The wounds of life
They will remain
At least I found a friend My wish is backache goes away .
It makes me feel like an old man .
I think I am walking like Mr Ang now .

Paintball was nice .
Met new people .

There are many ways of reacting to people .
The best way to treat people is with respect , you think ?

Thanks Gary for giving me a bruise at my you-know-where .
If you are reading this and wondering , it is not between my legs .

"Life is lived in years of fifteens ."
- Taxi Driver from JohorBaru to Causeway

I am fifteen now , trying out everything I can , having so many new experiences .

When I am thirty , I will be working around the clock to support myself and possibly a family .

When I am forty-five , I will be aiming for top positions in the cooperate world and in society .

When I am sixty , I would be an old man , with not as many options as I used to have . No more extreme things to do .

When I am seventy-five , I would be stoning most of the day , I suppose .

When I am ninety , I will talk about it when I reach the age . It has been a long day .
Strangely I do not feel tired .
Listening to I'm Yours by Jason Mraz .
My back aches , since Monday .
Seems to have gotten worse this morning though .
Must be Friday the Thirteenth .

Must everything have a reason then ?
Must every question have an answer ?

I am not extremely superstitious . I was not being serious when I placed blame on the bad luck of today . I do not subscribe to luck , whether good or bad . I do believe in the grace of God , though . If I recieve chain mails with threats and ridiculous consequences , I delete them , even after reading them . So far nothing happened . Not that I want to see if anything will happen , I just do not see the point in continuing in such an endevour .

I am past the stage where I get irritated with people who send me chain letters . In the past , I would try and educate the senders and reply an email , stating how useless and impotent chain mails were . I have given up on that . The chain mails just keep coming anyhow .

Listening to Modred's Song by Blind Guardian now .
My internet connection just died again .

I used to get frustrated with the modem , now I just leave it be . Patiently waiting for the modem to connect itself again . Or is patience too kingly a word to use ? Maybe it is mere indifference I feel . The 'I-cannot-be-bothered' attitude . Totally ignoring that the modem is not working , blogging this on notepad temporarily .

Indifference , is it so bad ? Blindfold myself , wear earmuffs , fold my arms . Pretend that nothing is happening around me . Forget that there are problems surrounding me .

Time now is 0002h on my computer clock .

I tell myself to manage my time wisely . Yet , what is good use of time ? Sleep , eating , studying , exercising , galavanting or even playing are part and parcel of my life . So which ones are wise , which ones are not ? Is expression of the soul - laughing crying , smiling frowning , singing shouting - good use of time ? Do you know what is living life fully ? I can tell myself to live purposefully an thousand million times , but if I know not what it means to do as such , I would amount to anything . Do you know what living a full life is , because if you do , I want to know .

So Friday has come and gone ,
My ache has not checked out for the night .
Long weekend ahead .

Time to play ball . Pain inside is rising
I am the fallen one
A figure in an old game
No Joker's on my side
I plunged into misery
I'll turn off the light
And murder the dawn
Turn off the light
And murder the dawn

I never really had a choice of what I would be .
I only could choose who I could be .
Yet that is also a hard choice .
Maybe all this could change .
Not for me , though .
Never for me .

I never wanted to be
What they told me to be
Fulfill my fate than I'll be free
God knows how long
I tried to change fate

Science is extraordinary . Tread softly , because you tread on my dreams . The meaning is explicit . Be careful , be very careful . Watch my steps when I delve into the realm of others .

Morning dawns a brand new sun .
The burning mountains greet me .
A new journey to struggle ,
To finish and to be done .

Drops trickle down the surface .
Slowly but surely merging .
To turn larger and bigger ,
Gathering more speed and pace .

Little gullies now emerge .
Joyously streaming onwards .
In the distance there are more ,
Rivers like this to converge .

Rally up now for the march .
The rush of day begins now .
Currents raging all the way ,
Waves froth in a distinct arch .

The rapids continue on .
No time to stop or to wait .
The white bodies gush madly ,
Speeding as if life were gone .

River begins to retard .
Ferocious pressing relaxed .
Surroundings slow down at last ,
But to stop is just too hard .

Meandering to the sides .
Snaking through landscape terrains .
New tributaries arrive ,
As the size accumulates .

Seems to crawl along this time .
No longer in Golden Age .
All the load once collected ,
Now as residue so fine .

Time to part and say goodbye .
Distribute and break away .
The end seems not so distant ,
Gently flows in final song .

Dusk beckons the dying sun .
The flaming seas welcome me .
This passage begun alone ,
Finished with a few close ones .

If I ever actually paid attention to the bigger world out there , I would know that there are others who travel with me , lost somewhere along the way . Splashed away onto the banks as little droplets , sloshed away around the bends . Lost and gone . One river does not make up the whole watershed . Other rivers , other pathways to go , on the other side of the hill where I can not see . Flowing in a totally different direction then I am . Or is it me not wanting to see ?

Tread softly . Everybody knows your name
But they don't know who you are
But to them it's just the same
Yeah you're just another name

A question .
You know my name , but do you know who I am ?

I doubt so . How can you know my character , my thoughts , my actions ? How can you know my insights and secrets ? How can you know me ? This skepticism , can you explain it as a part of me ? Truly , how well do I make myself known to others . How well do I make myself known to my own self ? I stare in the mirror and my reflection I see . Nothing else , no sign of the undercurrents that form me . If I could take the brain and lay it on a screen to be examined , I still do not think I could decipher who I am .

Flip it around on the grill and then ask if I know you . I lift my hands in surrender now . I do not know why you do what you do . Your motives and purpose , all a strange language to me . Sometimes I try my best to understand , most of the time I fail bitterly . Other times I close my eyes and pretend it does not matter , and I can live with that . Ignorance is bliss , I say .

If I was given a choice , I would choose to know myself . How can I ever begin to have wisdom enough to comprehend another when I cannot even see past the mirror ? I rather not know you if it means that I am a rabbit peering through thick grass . I rather know myself as it means that I am an eagle gazing over the fields and over the horizon . There is just so much more to know within me .

A question .
I know my name , but do I know who I am ? Today is Easter Sunday .

Does it remind you of eggs ? Eggs , symbolizing the new birth , new life ? It has been many years since I have associated eggs with Easter .

Speaking of food , I have eaten a lot for dinner just now . Sushi , Soba , Sprite float , Ice cream , Sashimi , Tofu , Unagi .. the list goes on . I did not even order half of that . Shared a little here , and a little there . It has been such a long time since I have eaten such an expensive meal .

Still on the topic of dinner , my brother and I were discussing about our future plans . Basically , he has everything planned out ahead of him . Me ? I have no plans , uncertain future , undecided choices . I just live life day by day , like a vangrant on the streets . The only goal at the moment is to see the sunrise of tomorrow .

Living each moment by itself , well that means no worries I suppose . My sister took a video of my cousin and I acting plain dumb . I sent the video to my own phone . I had half a mind to delete the one in her phone , but that would not have been nice . Such a long time since I have had a stupid act caught in footage .

Seeing , no worries , I think about Hakuna Matata . I guess that it comes to mind as I watched Lion King 1 1/2 last night . Yes , Lion King one and a half . I remember I told myself , Hakuna Matata once . Once , a long time ago . I wonder what happened to it . Thinking about so many things nowadays .

Too many things .

Today is Easter Sunday and today is coming to a close . A candlelight is most significant in the darkness .
That is what Mr Ang said .

No use putting a candle in a brightly lit room , where everything is already illuminated .

Go venture out to where the sun does not shine and spread the light .

Oh I cried so much that night watching those movies .

I just found out that Gregory was from Queen of All Saints too , four years ago . Utter emptiness . I suppose that is what outer space is like . I find myself as a speck , floating aimlessly around this space . I slide and drift past other specks like myself . Yet I feel nothing , taking in no memories , no emotions . Time has no sense in itself . Each moment is a repetition of the previous point . No beginning , no ending .

Then you come along , you ask me . I am privileged in contrast to the rest . Of all the countless other minuscule bodies swirling in this pool , I was chosen . You ask me : "Do you want to take a walk through life ?" I strikes me , and I ponder . My existence at present is mere existing . I am because of my sentient presence , nothing more . An option is put forward to me now . My existence can find meaning and worth now . I will not give up this chance where I can actually live .

I grasp your extended arm and you lead me to a brand new place . Full of colour and shape . Before I enter , I caught a glimpse of the doormat . Welcome to Earth , it said . Time suddenly becomes such a big issue here . I count the years pass by , estimate the years left . Through my childhood and adolescence , I reject the rainbows and vibrancy of life . Dull colours and sharp edges chew on my spirit . I begin to wish I was back to my original zen .

Once again you arrive and ask me . I am fortunate to have met you . Of all the countless other people on this globe , I was picked . You ask me : "Do you want to take a walk through others ?" I strikes me , and I ponder . My life currently is self-focused and never accepting . A challenge for me . My eyes can see both extreme ends of the spectrum now . I will not close my heart and mind when I can broaden my scope .

You point me in the right direction and instruct me to a whole new landscape . Blackened ash and darkened skies , the horizons are desolate . The crosses , toils and disappointments . I seemingly trudge on forever , the flame lit when I first entered the world struggling . I do not know when the next gust of wind is coming to extinguish my fire . Sometimes I fear , other times I long it to blow . The undulating ground reflects myself . Yet I never seem to be able to understand the intricate details in it .

Now you say : "When you agreed to take a walk through life , rest assured it included no strings attached - This walk is yours and for you to decide to do what you wish . However , I did not say that the walk would be straight and without bends or that it would be a full route . You only have this one walk , do with it what you wish ."

I quickly get down to making each moment of time , a worthwhile one . Maundy Thursday .

Mandate .

Going to stay over in school tonight .
Leaving my house now .

Gamma Ray - Heaven Can Wait
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=63IBXYEAAf8

Too many people, too much trouble,
Too many problems in the morn.
Another sunrise in the rubble,
Another ship sunk by the storm.
Some little angel tries to tell me that it's over.
It's just a bad reflection from above.
The load upon my shoulder makes me stronger, even bolder.
Oh no no, I haven't had enough.

Heaven can wait, till another day.
Cause there ain't no reason to leave.
The world is a stage where we all can play.
Another fine reason to live,
And heaven can wait, heaven can wait.

Each day a new reason to give up,
Each day another reason to sigh.
A hundred thousand ways to live up,
A hundred thousand ways to try.
Hey, little angel, don't you tell me that it's over.
You're just a bad reflection from above.
The load upon my shoulder gives me reasons to get older.
Tell the boss I haven't had enough.

Heaven can wait, till another day.
Cause there ain't no reason to leave.
The world is a stage where we all can play.
Another fine reason to live,
And heaven can wait, heaven can wait.

Let it wait .

Our eyes are closed but they should be open wide
Let's listen to the voice that's calling from inside.
Let's stay alive and move on, on our way
And heaven can wait, heaven can wait.
Heaven can wait... till another day.
Heaven can wait... till another day. Just an extract of a sub-chapter of the book by Robert Conklin . Still have not finished reading it . So here goes :

People resist change . They resist changes in their behavior , their habits , the way they perform their jobs , the way they relate to others , their lifestyles , the things and people with which they surround themselves . People even resist changes in their plans , the day's schedule , or interruptions in their activity .

They resist changes in their thinking , their opinions , their beliefs . Psychologists know this as "cognitive disorder" , which simply means that it is almost impossible for the human mind to contain two opposing beliefs or opinions. People resist any idea or thought that might threaten an existing belief or habit of behavior they have .

The great resistance to change is very frustrating , because invariably it causes people to rationalize or justify why they shouldn't act the way we want them to . We end up putting labels on others' behavior when they resist us in this way .

...

"it causes people to rationalize or justify why they shouldn't act the way we want them to"
I can give many reasons why I do things the way I want them to . Am I resisting too ?

Oh I sure think I am .

You ask if I'll grow to be a wise man ,
Well I ask if I'll grow old . I know I can do it . Later , I tell myself .

The excuses I make to remain within my bubble of privacy . You just walked past carrying all that plastic bags from Cold Storage . I could have offered to help , my hands were pretty free . I did not . Sure , I was certainly walking in the exact opposite direction , but that should not be a reason not to help you .

Haunted by fear .

There is no use of having the ability to do , yet not apply . Holding back and saving it for later only makes it useless and redundant . I cannot practice though , I am riddled with self-induced perceptions . Murphy's first law , whatever can go wrong , will go wrong . Doubt impairs my actions and ties my wrists together .

Like Gulliver in Brobdingnag , inside a small cage with the world , huge beyond imagination , waiting outside . Everything seems too big for me . It scares me .

Of all my short comings ,
I lack confidence .

All of the damned and a silent scream
Save us and damn the machine What will the future bring ?
What will I bring into the future ?

The present is not so much different from the past . Race against race . The irony of this statement so clearly depicted . We learn from history that people never learn from history .

I was at Bukit Batok Hill and Kranji War Memorial today . The things I heard , so distant and disconnected from me . Yet just still less than a century ago . The world is moving to quickly , forgetting the past to easily .

Say , if I keep in mind the events prior to my birth , to what objective will that be ? What is the use of remembering about the incidents of decades gone and yonder . Gone , that is what the past is . I am living in the present . The past is not of any subsequent consequence now . Whatever life changing moment lived by the dead is gone . The world has changed for the better or worse because of them . Now I am living in this changed world but am not directly affected by their choices . Tiananmen Massacre may have been a turning point in China's political situation , yet what does it matter to me ?

Hate never seems to go away . Why are people still at war with each other in the Middle East ? When I grow up , I do not know what I am going to do with my life . It is as if I have Libran scales on each extreme resting Ambition and Principles . Do I close one eye upon the southern countries and work my way up the rungs of the ladder of success ? Do I forgo all wants and desires , leave materialism behind for joy of helping others ?

Sometimes you do not do things for any reason . You just do it spontaneously without thinking . Most of the times , however , something drives you . Especially when the matter affects another immediately . The thing is , it is hard to figure out . Just time off to sit alone quietly pondering . I will never know your reason or purpose of doing things unless you choose to let me know . That is if you know it yourself .

Anyway , NAPFA . I do not think I will get gold this year .
My standing broad jump is terrible .
Older Post | Newer Post

Today I chanced upon some wondrous idioms .

Examinations get a little stifling after a two hour sit . To add to the atmosphere , you were there . As sure as eggs , you wanted us to stay behind after the paper . I wonder if you ever felt having an egg on your face . Nay , I say you never felt the least embarrassed . You really know how to lay an egg , yes all of us were bored to the edge of existence . Relate this to drifting between dreamland and reality . All your talk is merely earning goose egg .

I do not know what triggered my animosity towards you . I normally do not hold grudges against anyone , something of a curate's egg . There are the pros and cons . Sometimes I become a pushover , yet that quality really affects the way I live . A chicken and egg situation , really . Maybe the past incessant requests for the portfolio , or maybe your almighty talk-down attitude , or yet again maybe your hypocrisy when you accuse me of impoliteness when you disrespect prayers too . Detestful behavior number more than I can count on my fingers .

You have this assumption that the whole lot of us are bad eggs , but remember you are also part of this sorry group so what makes you a good egg ? I have long decided not to over egg the pudding . No use trying so hard , trying to convince you is akin to teaching my grandmother to suck eggs . Or so it would seem . I stated before , you talk down - you do not sway to the winds of others opinions . I learnt long ago not to put all my eggs in one basket , so thank goodness I have other matters of interest to occupy myself .

I admit I have many flaws , I cannot boil an egg for one . That addition was unnecessary as cooking has nothing to do with this , but just including some spice . However , of all the things I fall short of , killing the goose that lays the golden egg is not in my list . We are an amazing band of merry men , in case you have not noticed . Now our merry turned to despair instead . What goes through your mind every time you rattle us with lectures ? For all I know you could be a sadist , but on a lighter note , you could be thinking , I cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs . So that offers a logical explanation of your actions , whipping us into shape .

Post Scriptum : I just got my allowance today , an additional building block to my nest egg ! More motivation to egg myself on . The examinations are upon me !

What might I have been up to lately ? Instead of pouring through the scores of textbooks that litter my desk , I consult the vast library called the internet . I read articles of every nature : Greek mythology , How to polish shoes , How fuel cells work , How the sun works , Movie quotes ... You get the idea .

I have not touched any topic relating to those tested . I will not be surprised if I saw silverfish inside my books .

This must be the manifestation of procrastination . I should actually keep a notebook of my aims and goals . I think I will do it after my examinations , or is this another attempt to deviate ?

Yet what do I procrastinate for ? For subjects most of which I may never use in the future ? For good grades for the high life as my life unfolds ?

All I want is a simple life .
Is it so difficult to achieve that ?
What a paradox . Fratres !

Three weeks from now , I will be harvesting my crops . Imagine where you will be , and it will be so . Hold the line ! Stay with me ! If you find yourself alone , riding in the green fields with the sun on your face , do not be troubled . For you are in Elysium , and you're already dead !

Brothers , what we do in life , echoes in eternity .

Maybe not three weeks . About six months instead . "In a word, neither death, nor exile, nor pain, nor anything of this kind, is the real cause of our doing or not doing any action, but our opinions and the decisions of our will."

The quote all boils down to my individual choice again . I realised that my thinking is much like stoicism . No wonder the philosophy seemed familiar to me when I first read the article .

Extracted from the "Mind Your Body" of The Straits Times.

Pursuit Of Happiness No. 2: Is the glass half empty or half full?

In the second part of a series by Gary Hayden about happiness, he talks about Greek philosopher Epictetus, who says we can be happy even in the most trying circumstances.

Last week, I considered the views of Epicurus who taught that the key to happiness is pleasure.

The pleasures Epicurus had in mind were simple ones: wholesome food, the company of friends and a tranquil life. But what if these basic pleasures are denied us? What if we are sick, hungry or imprisoned? What if our loved ones are taken from us? Can we still be happy?

According to Epictetus (AD55-135), the answer is yes: We can be happy even in the most trying circumstances.

LIVED AS A SLAVE

Epictetus was a Greek, but lived mostly in Rome. He started life as a slave to Epaphroditus, one of Nero's bodyguards, and was crippled as a result of the brutal treatment he received.

He later became a freed man and lived in Rome until the Emperor Domitian banished all philosophers from Italy. He spent his final years teaching and writing in the city of Nicopolis on the Adriatic coast in north-west Greece.

If health, freedom and security are essential to happiness, then Epictetus had plenty of reasons to be miserable. But he refused to be crushed by circumstances. He developed a philosophy that enabled him to endure slavery, disability and banishment cheerfully.

Epictetus' philosophy was so powerful and so profound that it came to be adopted by some of Rome's ruling elite, including the Emperor Marcus Aurelius (AD 121-180).

IN CONTROL

Epictetus was a Stoic—a disciple of a school of philosophy founded by Zeno of Citium in 3 BC. According to Zeno, if we are wise, we must learn to bow to the inevitable and cultivate indifference to circumstances outside our control. He practised what he preached. When all of his possessions were lost in a shipwreck, he merely remarked: "Fortune bids me be a less encumbered philosopher."

We cannot always control our circumstances, but we can control how we react to those circumstances. Epictetus put it very eloquently: "I must die. But must I die groaning? I must be imprisoned. But must I whine as well? I must suffer exile. Can anyone hinder me from going with a smile, and a good courage, and at peace?"

Of course, if we are too ready to accept things as they are, we may not try hard enough to make things better. Epictetus recognised this and emphasised the need to distinguish between things we can control and things we cannot.

The Stoic need not resign himself to circumstances that he has the power to change. If he is sick, he ought to seek a cure. But if the sickness cannot be cured, he must try to bear it cheerfully. Fretting and cursing will only make matters worse.

To illustrate this, the philosopher Cleanthes used the metaphor of a dog tied to a cart. When the cart moves, the dog must follow. Straining against the leash will only increase the creature's discomfort.

Epictetus could have nursed anger and bitterness about his misfortunes: his days in slavery, his disability and his banishment from Rome. But what would this have achieved? In bowing to the inevitable, he was able to channel his energies more productively and find happiness and contentment.

STOICISM AND THE MODERN WORLD

Stoicism has proved an enduring philosophy. Throughout the ages, it has enabled the sick, the poor and the oppressed to find peace of mind amid the most trying circumstances.

But stoicism is not only for the destitute. Those of us who are comfortably off—and have few genuine problems—are often just as likely to let circumstances get us down. So a healthy dose of stoicism can benefit us all.

Why fret when stuck in traffic? Why curse the heat or the rain? Why become angry because a flight is delayed? Far better to adopt an attitude of stoic indifference. After all, what cannot be cured must be endured. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. An excerpt from a post from a blog of my friend .
The story has an intriguing analogy of the trials in life .

OOLONG TEA .

A carrot , an egg , and a cup of Oolong tea . You will never look at a cup of Oolong the same way again .

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her . She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up . She was tired of fighting and struggling . It seemed as one problem was solved , a new one arose .

Her mother took her to the kitchen . She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire . Soon the pots came to boil . In the first she placed carrots , in the second she placed eggs , and in the last she placed Oolong tea . She let them sit and boil ; without saying a word .

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners . She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl . She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl .

Then she ladled the Oolong out and placed it in a bowl . Turning to her daughter , she asked , "Tell me what you see ."

"Carrots , eggs and Oolong tea ," she replied .

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots . She did and noted that they were soft . The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it . After pulling off the shell , she observed the hard boiled egg .

Finally , the mother asked the daughter to sip the Oolong . The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma The daughter then asked , "What does it mean , mother ?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity : boiling water . Each reacted differently . The carrot went in strong , hard , and unrelenting . However , after being subjected to the boiling water , it softened and became weak . The egg had been fragile . Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior , but after sitting through the boiling water , its inside became hardened . The Oolong tea was unique , however . After they were in the boiling water , they had changed the water color and taste .

"Which are you ?" she asked her daughter . "When adversity knocks on your door , how do you respond ? Are you a carrot , an egg or a Oolong tea ?"

Think of this : Which am I ? Am I the carrot that seems strong , but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength ?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart , but changes with the heat ? Did I have a fluid spirit , but after a death , a breakup , a financial hardship or some other trial , have I become hardened and stiff ? Does my shell look the same , but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart ?

Or am I like the Oolong tea ? The tea actually changes the hot water , the very circumstance that brings the pain . When the water gets hot , it releases the fragrance and flavor . If you are like the tea , when things are at their worst , you get better and change the situation around you . When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest , do you elevate yourself to another level ?

How do you handle adversity ? Are you a carrot , an egg or a Oolong tea ?

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet , enough trials to make you strong , enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy .

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything ; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way . The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past ; you can’t go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches .

When you were born , you were crying and everyone around you was smiling .
Live your life so at the end , you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying .

May I have enough happiness , enough trials , enough sorrow and enough hope to keep me human .

You promote violence and hate and death , the fraudulent night watcher . I was in the MRT this afternoon on my way back from City Hall . My hyperactive imagination ran amok . Scenarios like a bomb explosion and contemplating my fate , standing at the interval of two carriages . You incite murders of your neighbours .

Keep me human . I was awoken by rumblings in the distance . The echoes could have been an explosion or maybe the construction works near my house . Realisation dawns on me that the deep rumblings are actually from thunder .

Only about thirty thousand years ago , Neanderthals became extinct and Homo sapiens inherited the Earth . Civilizations were created and destroyed . Man dabbled in science and sought ability to manipulate and comprehend the world .

Bypass the millenniums and I pause to stare the world just one or two centuries before . See the sapient race of man . New inventions springing up as mushrooms after rain . Technology advances with great speed . The countries north of the equator modernise . A new age has begun .

I imagine myself a man from five hundred years ago , without an electronic fan or an incandescent bulb . Lo and behold , skyscrapers are towering into the sky . An impossible contraption flying overhead . Beautiful neon lights in the city . Amazing of video footages captured in a hand held camera . The world has progressed much within such a short span of time , considering the earth is millions of years old .

Yet advancement gone so far as to lead myself to forget the wonders of Earth itself . The majestic jade crown is being chipped , the pearls being transmuted to less desired lapis lazuli . Bid good bye to the silent mammoth trees , part with the shrinking ice caps . Prepare to contend with the rising seas . The world is changing .

"Until the last tree is cut down , the last river is dried up and the last fish is caught will man realise that they cannot eat money ."

Are people like the Earth , then ?

I think so . Then I must uncover the wellsprings of my life and allow for my true feelings to work . I am smothered under signposts and maps . I do not need directions or goals , I only need purpose and meaning in what I do . Just wishing to recognise the true interior motives that define me , casting away rationalizing . After all , people are wonders of nature too . The song speaks for itself .

Michael Learns To Rock - Complicated Heart

Don't know what to say now
Don't know where to start
Don't know how to handle
A complicated heart
You tell me you are leaving
But I just have to say
Before you throw it all away

Even if you want to go alone
I will be waiting when you're coming home
If you need someone to ease the pain
You can lean on me, my love will still remain

Don't know what you're thinking
To me it seems quite tough
To hold a conversation
When words are not enough
If this is your decision
And there's nothing I can do
I can only say to you

Even if you want to go alone
I will be waiting when you're coming home
If you need someone to ease the pain
You can lean on me, my love will still remain Men are but flesh and blood . They know their doom , but not the hour .
- Emperor Uriel Septim VII , The Elder Scrolls IV : Oblivion

Another golden opportunity to be morbid , emotional , philosophical and other such descriptive adjectives along that line .
I am not sorry for sharing my life and thoughts about it . I guess I never will .

Thinking a little about what it meant to be dying . Firstly , I will rule out sudden death , where life is blown away by an explosion or savage strike . Let me talk about death which comes slower , slower relative to immediate decease . If a large boulder fell upon me and injured me fatally , if a crude dagger punctured my internal organ , if a swift arrow was shot true , if a stray bullet twists my innards beyond hope , if The Grim stands before me waiting to reap my soul what would be going through my mind ?

A big question mark . One of those things I poke and probe constantly and never find a consistent answer . I probably will find out when I lay on my deathbed . I could be praying to God for salvation , could be regretting all the iniquities I did , could be being grateful for the good things I had already lived , could be weeping for the things I have not had the chance to experience , could be the sympathy for the feeling of loss loved ones endure , could be the hurt of all my perseverence and efforts coming to an abrupt naught , could be indifference - what more would one more death make ?

Hades is waiting for me , I know it . I am dying , I know it . When you blurt at me satirically , Go die lah ! I say , Yea sure , in a few more decades . Yet underlying this prime example of bad humour , there is some truth in it . Just a while ago , I talked about death , the death which arrives tediously . Well is the end not waiting for all people , all the time ? Some just take the earlier transit out than others .

Hey Grim Reaper , I see you . Where is your scythe ? I know you have it , I know you are wielding your blade . Is your weapon swinging in a slow arch or is it a quick sweep you are about to exact from me ? Tell me Father Time , how long more do I have before departing . Your answer is silence , I accept that .

Since I have agreed , I should live with proper order .
Another question , can I do it ?

I shrug it off . Just remembered this catchy song I heard from quite a while back .
Reminds me of having too much thought in my head , like a radio .

" If I listen to the radio
Oh just my radio
That all my life
I will play my sounds to you
Anytime I feel the radio
Oh comes my radio
In my head ... "

Then I was looking at your blog and I was prompted to listen this song too .
Like how interesting , how true .

" Sing with me now
Sha-la-la-la-la-la
My, oh, my
Look at the boy too shy
He ain’t gonna kiss the girl
Sha-la-la-la-la-la
Ain't that sad
Ain't it shame, too bad
You gonna miss the girl " All the world's a stage ,
And all the men and women merely players .

From this point of view , I now question myself what character I play . Give me the limelight , says the extrovert , become rich and famous ! On the other hand , my alter self shies into the background , let me live life quietly and contently without the noise and hype ! Since both are equally attractive , I meet with a conundrum . I am uncertain of which way to go , which direction to take . Merely a boy sitting on the rocky bank , throwing pebbles across the lake too wide to see . Merely waiting for Lachesis to make the move .

For once , I have a substantial plan to propel me within this world of materialism . No more the tenuous start-business-and-rake-cash scheme . An realistic idea worth pursuing . However , this is exactly why my choice becomes all the more harder . Which life do I sacrifice ? The life of the stewardship , forgoing wealth and fame . The life of prestige , compromising on morals and principles to an extent .

Who am I ? Am I a blank slate waiting for chalk to scribble the lessons of life on me ? Am I new wine resting in the cellar for maturity ? How am I defined ? Am I a mirror mimicking the actions of others or am I stained glass depicting my own personality ?

I meet with a mental block writing my own script in this extravaganza , I am uncertain and undecided . All I know is that if I could stand upon the peak of a mountain , I would close my eyes and wish for eternity . The moment when my life intergrates with this earth . The second when my life is simple and free before the majestic powers spread around me . The time when I take a seat in the theatre and become the audience .

The stage is so vast , it is confusing .
I cannot see past the curtains or props or persons .
So I just wonder ,
even though all people are performers ,
how many of them are do not act ? I feel so alone .

You and I do not head the same direction .
Huge wastelands rise up to meet me .
Drawn and attracted to this path I tread .
I only pray my compass points true .
That there really will be Valhalla at the end .

Seeking for solace .

Maybe I am just beaten and tired .
Maybe I should just follow with where the winds blow .

I cannot believe you said I look like Cho Seung-Hui . Reporter on the street :
"Sir what do you think is society's biggest problem , ignorance or apathy ?"
Man :
"I don't know , I don't care ."

This was the nick on Melvin's messenger account . I tweaked it slightly .

I do not feel rebellious , I feel self-righteous .
How dangerous , I just landed on a minefield .
I assert my position , so do you .
Of course , you abuse your advantage .
Resent is incurred within me .

My wrath , my wrath , why do you always fail me when I need you most ?

Yet why wrath ? Anger solves no problems .
Satisfaction is merely temporary .

Better to act dumb deaf and blind .
Better to swallow all the hate and lies .

I will leave you alone and you shall do likewise .
I do not know and do not care . Today I suddenly thought of a funnel .

So I think that is what I will do .
I will funnel everything instead of pouring all over the place .

Focus , boys ! And The Story Ends - Blind Guardian

And the story ends
Insanity said coldly
Still waiting for the chance
So out of nowhere it will rise
Oh, and another journey starts
By the call of the moon
Was it really me
I saw in the mirror screaming
I swallowed hate and lies
Through a thousand cries
Someone's sucking out my energy

What can I do
On this road to nowhere

Heart of dragon lies
At the edge of time

And the story ends
Insanity said coldly
Still waiting for the chance
So out of nowhere it will rise
Oh, and another journey starts
Into insanity's claws

Come with me and join me
A new life's waiting for you
Jump through the mirror
Leave fear behind
No matter where I tried
The candle light seemed
Lost forever
Before my vision fades
-cathedral
-falling tears

We're not alone
There's someone else, too
From the mirror's other side
Reflecting the cruel part of your soul
It's time for your choise

What can I do
On this road to nowhere

Heart of dragon lies
At the edge of time

And the story ends
Insanity said coldly
Still waiting for the chance
So out of nowhere it will rise
Oh, and another journey starts
By the call of the moon

Heart of dragon lies

What can I do
On this road to nowhere

Heart of dragon lies
At the edge of time

And the story ends
Insanity said coldly
Still waiting for the chance
So out of nowhere it will rise
Oh, and another journey starts
Into sanity's claws

I'm not a king
I'm just a bard
How can I trust
If there is good and bad
The wounds of life
They will remain
At least I found a friend My wish is backache goes away .
It makes me feel like an old man .
I think I am walking like Mr Ang now .

Paintball was nice .
Met new people .

There are many ways of reacting to people .
The best way to treat people is with respect , you think ?

Thanks Gary for giving me a bruise at my you-know-where .
If you are reading this and wondering , it is not between my legs .

"Life is lived in years of fifteens ."
- Taxi Driver from JohorBaru to Causeway

I am fifteen now , trying out everything I can , having so many new experiences .

When I am thirty , I will be working around the clock to support myself and possibly a family .

When I am forty-five , I will be aiming for top positions in the cooperate world and in society .

When I am sixty , I would be an old man , with not as many options as I used to have . No more extreme things to do .

When I am seventy-five , I would be stoning most of the day , I suppose .

When I am ninety , I will talk about it when I reach the age . It has been a long day .
Strangely I do not feel tired .
Listening to I'm Yours by Jason Mraz .
My back aches , since Monday .
Seems to have gotten worse this morning though .
Must be Friday the Thirteenth .

Must everything have a reason then ?
Must every question have an answer ?

I am not extremely superstitious . I was not being serious when I placed blame on the bad luck of today . I do not subscribe to luck , whether good or bad . I do believe in the grace of God , though . If I recieve chain mails with threats and ridiculous consequences , I delete them , even after reading them . So far nothing happened . Not that I want to see if anything will happen , I just do not see the point in continuing in such an endevour .

I am past the stage where I get irritated with people who send me chain letters . In the past , I would try and educate the senders and reply an email , stating how useless and impotent chain mails were . I have given up on that . The chain mails just keep coming anyhow .

Listening to Modred's Song by Blind Guardian now .
My internet connection just died again .

I used to get frustrated with the modem , now I just leave it be . Patiently waiting for the modem to connect itself again . Or is patience too kingly a word to use ? Maybe it is mere indifference I feel . The 'I-cannot-be-bothered' attitude . Totally ignoring that the modem is not working , blogging this on notepad temporarily .

Indifference , is it so bad ? Blindfold myself , wear earmuffs , fold my arms . Pretend that nothing is happening around me . Forget that there are problems surrounding me .

Time now is 0002h on my computer clock .

I tell myself to manage my time wisely . Yet , what is good use of time ? Sleep , eating , studying , exercising , galavanting or even playing are part and parcel of my life . So which ones are wise , which ones are not ? Is expression of the soul - laughing crying , smiling frowning , singing shouting - good use of time ? Do you know what is living life fully ? I can tell myself to live purposefully an thousand million times , but if I know not what it means to do as such , I would amount to anything . Do you know what living a full life is , because if you do , I want to know .

So Friday has come and gone ,
My ache has not checked out for the night .
Long weekend ahead .

Time to play ball . Pain inside is rising
I am the fallen one
A figure in an old game
No Joker's on my side
I plunged into misery
I'll turn off the light
And murder the dawn
Turn off the light
And murder the dawn

I never really had a choice of what I would be .
I only could choose who I could be .
Yet that is also a hard choice .
Maybe all this could change .
Not for me , though .
Never for me .

I never wanted to be
What they told me to be
Fulfill my fate than I'll be free
God knows how long
I tried to change fate

Science is extraordinary . Tread softly , because you tread on my dreams . The meaning is explicit . Be careful , be very careful . Watch my steps when I delve into the realm of others .

Morning dawns a brand new sun .
The burning mountains greet me .
A new journey to struggle ,
To finish and to be done .

Drops trickle down the surface .
Slowly but surely merging .
To turn larger and bigger ,
Gathering more speed and pace .

Little gullies now emerge .
Joyously streaming onwards .
In the distance there are more ,
Rivers like this to converge .

Rally up now for the march .
The rush of day begins now .
Currents raging all the way ,
Waves froth in a distinct arch .

The rapids continue on .
No time to stop or to wait .
The white bodies gush madly ,
Speeding as if life were gone .

River begins to retard .
Ferocious pressing relaxed .
Surroundings slow down at last ,
But to stop is just too hard .

Meandering to the sides .
Snaking through landscape terrains .
New tributaries arrive ,
As the size accumulates .

Seems to crawl along this time .
No longer in Golden Age .
All the load once collected ,
Now as residue so fine .

Time to part and say goodbye .
Distribute and break away .
The end seems not so distant ,
Gently flows in final song .

Dusk beckons the dying sun .
The flaming seas welcome me .
This passage begun alone ,
Finished with a few close ones .

If I ever actually paid attention to the bigger world out there , I would know that there are others who travel with me , lost somewhere along the way . Splashed away onto the banks as little droplets , sloshed away around the bends . Lost and gone . One river does not make up the whole watershed . Other rivers , other pathways to go , on the other side of the hill where I can not see . Flowing in a totally different direction then I am . Or is it me not wanting to see ?

Tread softly . Everybody knows your name
But they don't know who you are
But to them it's just the same
Yeah you're just another name

A question .
You know my name , but do you know who I am ?

I doubt so . How can you know my character , my thoughts , my actions ? How can you know my insights and secrets ? How can you know me ? This skepticism , can you explain it as a part of me ? Truly , how well do I make myself known to others . How well do I make myself known to my own self ? I stare in the mirror and my reflection I see . Nothing else , no sign of the undercurrents that form me . If I could take the brain and lay it on a screen to be examined , I still do not think I could decipher who I am .

Flip it around on the grill and then ask if I know you . I lift my hands in surrender now . I do not know why you do what you do . Your motives and purpose , all a strange language to me . Sometimes I try my best to understand , most of the time I fail bitterly . Other times I close my eyes and pretend it does not matter , and I can live with that . Ignorance is bliss , I say .

If I was given a choice , I would choose to know myself . How can I ever begin to have wisdom enough to comprehend another when I cannot even see past the mirror ? I rather not know you if it means that I am a rabbit peering through thick grass . I rather know myself as it means that I am an eagle gazing over the fields and over the horizon . There is just so much more to know within me .

A question .
I know my name , but do I know who I am ? Today is Easter Sunday .

Does it remind you of eggs ? Eggs , symbolizing the new birth , new life ? It has been many years since I have associated eggs with Easter .

Speaking of food , I have eaten a lot for dinner just now . Sushi , Soba , Sprite float , Ice cream , Sashimi , Tofu , Unagi .. the list goes on . I did not even order half of that . Shared a little here , and a little there . It has been such a long time since I have eaten such an expensive meal .

Still on the topic of dinner , my brother and I were discussing about our future plans . Basically , he has everything planned out ahead of him . Me ? I have no plans , uncertain future , undecided choices . I just live life day by day , like a vangrant on the streets . The only goal at the moment is to see the sunrise of tomorrow .

Living each moment by itself , well that means no worries I suppose . My sister took a video of my cousin and I acting plain dumb . I sent the video to my own phone . I had half a mind to delete the one in her phone , but that would not have been nice . Such a long time since I have had a stupid act caught in footage .

Seeing , no worries , I think about Hakuna Matata . I guess that it comes to mind as I watched Lion King 1 1/2 last night . Yes , Lion King one and a half . I remember I told myself , Hakuna Matata once . Once , a long time ago . I wonder what happened to it . Thinking about so many things nowadays .

Too many things .

Today is Easter Sunday and today is coming to a close . A candlelight is most significant in the darkness .
That is what Mr Ang said .

No use putting a candle in a brightly lit room , where everything is already illuminated .

Go venture out to where the sun does not shine and spread the light .

Oh I cried so much that night watching those movies .

I just found out that Gregory was from Queen of All Saints too , four years ago . Utter emptiness . I suppose that is what outer space is like . I find myself as a speck , floating aimlessly around this space . I slide and drift past other specks like myself . Yet I feel nothing , taking in no memories , no emotions . Time has no sense in itself . Each moment is a repetition of the previous point . No beginning , no ending .

Then you come along , you ask me . I am privileged in contrast to the rest . Of all the countless other minuscule bodies swirling in this pool , I was chosen . You ask me : "Do you want to take a walk through life ?" I strikes me , and I ponder . My existence at present is mere existing . I am because of my sentient presence , nothing more . An option is put forward to me now . My existence can find meaning and worth now . I will not give up this chance where I can actually live .

I grasp your extended arm and you lead me to a brand new place . Full of colour and shape . Before I enter , I caught a glimpse of the doormat . Welcome to Earth , it said . Time suddenly becomes such a big issue here . I count the years pass by , estimate the years left . Through my childhood and adolescence , I reject the rainbows and vibrancy of life . Dull colours and sharp edges chew on my spirit . I begin to wish I was back to my original zen .

Once again you arrive and ask me . I am fortunate to have met you . Of all the countless other people on this globe , I was picked . You ask me : "Do you want to take a walk through others ?" I strikes me , and I ponder . My life currently is self-focused and never accepting . A challenge for me . My eyes can see both extreme ends of the spectrum now . I will not close my heart and mind when I can broaden my scope .

You point me in the right direction and instruct me to a whole new landscape . Blackened ash and darkened skies , the horizons are desolate . The crosses , toils and disappointments . I seemingly trudge on forever , the flame lit when I first entered the world struggling . I do not know when the next gust of wind is coming to extinguish my fire . Sometimes I fear , other times I long it to blow . The undulating ground reflects myself . Yet I never seem to be able to understand the intricate details in it .

Now you say : "When you agreed to take a walk through life , rest assured it included no strings attached - This walk is yours and for you to decide to do what you wish . However , I did not say that the walk would be straight and without bends or that it would be a full route . You only have this one walk , do with it what you wish ."

I quickly get down to making each moment of time , a worthwhile one . Maundy Thursday .

Mandate .

Going to stay over in school tonight .
Leaving my house now .

Gamma Ray - Heaven Can Wait
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=63IBXYEAAf8

Too many people, too much trouble,
Too many problems in the morn.
Another sunrise in the rubble,
Another ship sunk by the storm.
Some little angel tries to tell me that it's over.
It's just a bad reflection from above.
The load upon my shoulder makes me stronger, even bolder.
Oh no no, I haven't had enough.

Heaven can wait, till another day.
Cause there ain't no reason to leave.
The world is a stage where we all can play.
Another fine reason to live,
And heaven can wait, heaven can wait.

Each day a new reason to give up,
Each day another reason to sigh.
A hundred thousand ways to live up,
A hundred thousand ways to try.
Hey, little angel, don't you tell me that it's over.
You're just a bad reflection from above.
The load upon my shoulder gives me reasons to get older.
Tell the boss I haven't had enough.

Heaven can wait, till another day.
Cause there ain't no reason to leave.
The world is a stage where we all can play.
Another fine reason to live,
And heaven can wait, heaven can wait.

Let it wait .

Our eyes are closed but they should be open wide
Let's listen to the voice that's calling from inside.
Let's stay alive and move on, on our way
And heaven can wait, heaven can wait.
Heaven can wait... till another day.
Heaven can wait... till another day. Just an extract of a sub-chapter of the book by Robert Conklin . Still have not finished reading it . So here goes :

People resist change . They resist changes in their behavior , their habits , the way they perform their jobs , the way they relate to others , their lifestyles , the things and people with which they surround themselves . People even resist changes in their plans , the day's schedule , or interruptions in their activity .

They resist changes in their thinking , their opinions , their beliefs . Psychologists know this as "cognitive disorder" , which simply means that it is almost impossible for the human mind to contain two opposing beliefs or opinions. People resist any idea or thought that might threaten an existing belief or habit of behavior they have .

The great resistance to change is very frustrating , because invariably it causes people to rationalize or justify why they shouldn't act the way we want them to . We end up putting labels on others' behavior when they resist us in this way .

...

"it causes people to rationalize or justify why they shouldn't act the way we want them to"
I can give many reasons why I do things the way I want them to . Am I resisting too ?

Oh I sure think I am .

You ask if I'll grow to be a wise man ,
Well I ask if I'll grow old . I know I can do it . Later , I tell myself .

The excuses I make to remain within my bubble of privacy . You just walked past carrying all that plastic bags from Cold Storage . I could have offered to help , my hands were pretty free . I did not . Sure , I was certainly walking in the exact opposite direction , but that should not be a reason not to help you .

Haunted by fear .

There is no use of having the ability to do , yet not apply . Holding back and saving it for later only makes it useless and redundant . I cannot practice though , I am riddled with self-induced perceptions . Murphy's first law , whatever can go wrong , will go wrong . Doubt impairs my actions and ties my wrists together .

Like Gulliver in Brobdingnag , inside a small cage with the world , huge beyond imagination , waiting outside . Everything seems too big for me . It scares me .

Of all my short comings ,
I lack confidence .

All of the damned and a silent scream
Save us and damn the machine What will the future bring ?
What will I bring into the future ?

The present is not so much different from the past . Race against race . The irony of this statement so clearly depicted . We learn from history that people never learn from history .

I was at Bukit Batok Hill and Kranji War Memorial today . The things I heard , so distant and disconnected from me . Yet just still less than a century ago . The world is moving to quickly , forgetting the past to easily .

Say , if I keep in mind the events prior to my birth , to what objective will that be ? What is the use of remembering about the incidents of decades gone and yonder . Gone , that is what the past is . I am living in the present . The past is not of any subsequent consequence now . Whatever life changing moment lived by the dead is gone . The world has changed for the better or worse because of them . Now I am living in this changed world but am not directly affected by their choices . Tiananmen Massacre may have been a turning point in China's political situation , yet what does it matter to me ?

Hate never seems to go away . Why are people still at war with each other in the Middle East ? When I grow up , I do not know what I am going to do with my life . It is as if I have Libran scales on each extreme resting Ambition and Principles . Do I close one eye upon the southern countries and work my way up the rungs of the ladder of success ? Do I forgo all wants and desires , leave materialism behind for joy of helping others ?

Sometimes you do not do things for any reason . You just do it spontaneously without thinking . Most of the times , however , something drives you . Especially when the matter affects another immediately . The thing is , it is hard to figure out . Just time off to sit alone quietly pondering . I will never know your reason or purpose of doing things unless you choose to let me know . That is if you know it yourself .

Anyway , NAPFA . I do not think I will get gold this year .
My standing broad jump is terrible .
Older Post | Newer Post

June 2004
July 2004
August 2004
September 2004
October 2004
November 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
December 2009
January 2010
April 2010
May 2010
July 2010
September 2010
July 2011
August 2011
September 2011
October 2011
November 2011
December 2011
January 2012
February 2012
March 2012
April 2012
May 2012
June 2012
July 2012
August 2012
September 2012
October 2012
December 2012
January 2013
February 2013
March 2013
April 2013
May 2013
July 2013
August 2013
September 2013
October 2013
November 2013
December 2013
January 2014
March 2014
May 2014
October 2014
August 2018
June 2019