An option .

It means I have a choice right ? When you ask me whether I can help , I do have a right to decline . If I refused then stop asking . I have already given my answer , stop making me repeat my response .

I realised that I tend to shy away from attention . I am content with being in the background , the backstage props man . I rather not draw the limelight to myself , given the chance .

In front of people I know , well that is a whole different vegetable .

For now , I think I prefer the shadows . It is so much less hostile and so much more welcoming . I do not understand you , you do not understand me .
I try to , yes , but somehow or other it always seems to lead to a dead end . Why ? I do not know . I may be , as you say , too adamant . I believe that you are the insistent one , imposing your views on top of mine . Can you not see that everyone has different valid views . Why must you change mine ?
I do not know why I got so worked up such a small matter as a phone call .
...
A while ago I felt as if I had gotten over the matter , that it was , fine , over and done , finished , no more emotions attached .
I guess not .
You think you are always right . Well can I propose that none of us are wrong ? No I can not . You do not listen . You only want to hammer in your nail . You do not give even the slightest concern to the cracks in the wall surrounding . I am not unaccommodating , even if you may think so . I just want to trash things out . Is that wrong ? I do not think 'trash' is the correct verb to use . I want to reach compromise . Is that so hard ? Yea it is ! Of course it is when you do not want to listen . You keep saying that 'there is a difference between thriftiness and stinginess' . That is what you are focusing on . You leave me no leeway to talk about what I think about the call , my own opinions . No , you only want me to do things the way you want them to be . The way you want them to be . I try to open my mouth again . I get your expressions of exasperation and agitation . What can I do but remain silent ?

I see a fork in the road .
I see paths to lift my load .
I see you have those trails blocked .
I see no choice and am mocked .

Finding no opportunity for compromise , I resort to what I do best .
Keeping silent , bottle up all the waste life throws at me .
It will disappear nevertheless . I think God gave me a bottle with two openings . Maybe that is just the way I am . I know I will not stay this way .

Is that a good thing ?
Or a bad thing ? What am I doing with my life ?
Sure , you can question my usefulness in life .
May I question yours ?
How 'productive' is my life ?
What is the meaning of 'productive' ?

Blood Brothers - Iron Maiden

And if you're taking a walk through the garden of life
What do you think you'd expect you would see?
Just like a mirror reflecting the moves of your life
And in the river reflections of me

Just for a second a glimpse of my father I see
And in a movement he beckons to me
And in a moment the memories are all that remain
And all the wounds are reopening again

We're blood brothers, we're blood brothers
We're blood brothers, we're blood brothers

And as you look all around at the world in dismay
What do you see, do you think we have learned
Not if you're taking a look at the war-torn affray
Out in the streets where the babies are burned

We're blood brothers, we're blood brothers
We're blood brothers, we're blood brothers

There are time when I feel I'm afraid for the world
There are times I'm ashamed of us all
When you're floating on all the emotion you feel
And reflecting the good and the bad

Will we ever know what the answer to life really is?
Can you really tell me what life is?
Maybe all the things that you know that are precious to you
Could be swept away by fate's own hand

We're blood brothers, we're blood brothers
We're blood brothers, we're blood brothers

When you think that we've used all our chances
And the chance to make everything right
Keep on making the same old mistakes
Makes untipping the balance so easy
When we're living our lives on the edge
Say a prayer on the book of the dead

We're blood brothers, we're blood brothers
We're blood brothers, we're blood brothers

And if you're taking a walk through the garden of life... I steal a glance and I find you busy .

How I wish you would stop and free yourself from that multitude of tasks waiting to be completed . You are always surrounded by things to do . An appointment with a friend , a deadline to meet , enjoying your time . How I wish you would pause and find time to be here just to sit . Just to let me know that you are beside me . Just to know that I am someone .

It seems so much like wistful thinking . You already filled your world up . At times I even see it overflowing . There is just no space for me . I see my own empty cup . Into it I sift sand through my fingers . The grains fall like in an hourglass . Time passes ever so slowly . Yet I still turn my head to see if you are there .

I am here , waiting . My cup is full , full of sand . I bury myself in this desert , dry land . I am here , tending to the sparse vegetation , trying to make good of this barren . I have achieved nothing worth mentioning . If only you care , I would pour out this cup of sand . Empty my world and make it for you .

Still , I find you busy .

So I create a world teeming with activities . Filled in time , busied myself to occupy myself while I wait . I pinch up some sand and let it dribble back into the cup . I grab a handful of sand up and let it filter back into the cup . I pinch up some more sand up and let it dribble .

I wonder if you are busy playing with sand too . People don't mind telling what they did; but they don't like telling why they did it.

A sword may slit a throat , draw blood and end a life . Yet that same sword may rest on the shoulder of a knight and fulfill a life . So what about questions ? Do I use them to probe and attack the defenses of yours ? Accuse your thoughts and condemn your actions through undeniable facts . Do I use them to let down the mask of yours ? Guess your emotions and find your reasons through gentle progressions .

I have shrunk throughout these years .
Dug deep into this darkness .
When light shines I hide my fears ,
I find these rays are careless .

How clumsy this spotlight is .
Detects none of my secrets .
When they are found then comes bliss ,
For now I wait and it hurts .

Through these years I became small .
Hope lost waiting for the light .
Lower I descend and fall ,
Without faith or strength or might .

How foolish I have behaved .
This stupidity of mine .
A trail before me was paved ,
Yet to blindness I resign .

For all it takes is a move .
Showing all the cards in hand .
My life and what it may prove ,
Laid upon this open land .

On this plot the sun shinning .
In full view of miles around .
Weaknesses how contrasting ,
With my past soul I was bound .

Now rejection may occur .
Shunned and lonely in this place .
When I face my creator ,
At least I have found solace .

In revealing all of who I am ,
I accept my true self , not a sham .

Here is the poem you asked for . Have fun reading it .
My legs want to die but I am not letting them . I count three .
The crescent moon up above in the azure blue sky , so distant its movement are insignificant to my eyes .
The earth below my feet , so vast I am only dust blown by wind compared to it .
The Sun descending into the cumulus , shining out its last rays before resting in the night .
Three massive bodies insusceptible to fatigue . Forever carrying out their duties , forever spinning on their axis , never resting , never stopping . How can I begin to imagine the extent of their existence ? Mine is but a few decades in their billions . It is as tangible as living for a split of a second and trying to grasp the experience of a lifetime .
I am only one person in over six billion . Sometimes I am unable to appreciate this fact .
A village once had six thousand peasants . Day and night , they carried on with their lives as a routine . Their grandfathers reaped the rewards of their ancestors and had toiled the lands with their own hands . Their fathers reaped the rewards of their grandfathers and had toiled the lands with their own hands . They reaped the rewards of their fathers and have toiled the lands with their own hands . Their children will reap the rewards of themselves and will toil the lands with their own hands . Thus the it loops upon itself and sustains itself . A single farmer departs from the world one day . His descendant assume the new responsibility . His family and close friends amount to twenty . They weep and mourn , but life continues . It is a passing .
So what more if a MILLION people dies ? Would merely twenty million others feel the pinch of the unfulfilled wishes left on the shelf ? What about the other five thousand million people ?
That is the extent of the world's population . That is the vastness of the world . A fact to note : 70.8% of the world's surface is water , 29.2% is land . How big is the world actually ?

I am only a dust on this desert road . I need love .

I dived into a pool without knowing if it was water or viscous goo . How naive , I ended up in the latter . My senses belied me . How gullible , I led myself to think I was in clear water . Sinking and sinking , that is what I have been doing .

No more resolutions . No more talking . No more slacking . No more planning .

All I need is passion . I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength, and I stand and watch until at last she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come down to mingle with each other. Then someone at my side says, 'There she goes!'
Gone where? Gone from my sight ... that is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and just as able to bear her load of living freight to the place of destination. Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says, 'There she goes!' there are other eyes watching her coming and their voices ready to take up the glad shouts 'Here she comes!'

- Henry Van Dyke

I am eagerly anticipating tomorrow's camp .
Then I am also feeling a little apprehensive .
Maybe I should just use the toilet now . I am feeding myself with so many different emotions .
Anticipation , fear , frustration , satisfaction just to name a few hanging on the rack . I feel like I am moving . Moving forwards and backwards but never quite getting anywhere . I do not know where to go now . I am kind of stuck here with negative displacement . I did manage to open up for those few days .
Stalled and then I fell back into my protective shell . Looking at everything from inside . Ha , I laugh at the human race . I scorn them for what they do against themselves . I cry because I cannot do anything to change it .
I cry . I do not understand and I am chagrined . There is just so much confusion and I am unable to start within . I keep trying to begin without .
I cry . When blind base emotions demand death .

I am going to settle myself first before I commence work on my social circle . Listen to the utterances all around . A struggle to focus on the paper on my desk . Exchanging minuscule items of no real significance . Hey , I am back at school .

To sum up the events occurring over the previous week .
Friday- Did a favor to GuanMing and went to school .
Saturday- Slept in and enjoyed the holiday .
Sunday- PAINTBALL !
Monday- Happy-go-lucky
Tuesday- Still happy-go-lucky
Wednesday- Creating and Editing NCC Company Camp files .
Thursday- NCC Meeting in the morning , Arrived late for Prefects' Workshop .
Friday- Continuation of the Combined Workshop with CHIJ TP .
Saturday- LLTC OT Retreat !
Sunday- LLTC OT Retreat and ... Homework .

I have this gut feeling , I am about to get really busy this week . I am guessing I will not have time to work out my thoughts swimming in my head for blogging .

Things demanding my attention over this week .

Monday- Sec1 Uniforms and Homework .
Tuesday- Legion Of Mary and more Homework .
Wednesday- Chinese Tuition/Extra Chinese Class/NCC Meeting/Detention Duty
Thursday- Precautionary date in case of any complications cropping up .
Friday- Company Camp !
Saturday- Company Camp !
Sunday- Home sweet Home , and Homework .

Just looking at this gives me the creeps .
Time to evacuate .

Sorry for this short meaningless post .
Thank you for visiting my blog and reading about my wonderful experiences I went through and am about to go through . Have you ever tried to run , yet faltered in your determination ? I started out jogging , began to walk , and now I am forced to run to pass the mark .

That is my current situation now . Oh bother . At least I learnt to love myself . If you do not love yourself then I only can say , it is not easy to be with someone you dislike 24 hours around the clock .

Death can wait . If I have had zero tolerance I would have died a long time ago . I am not alone here in this web of life . So if I do not compromise , I am attempting suicide .

I ever came across a book "How to get people to do things" by Robert Conklin . It says in the introduction , if I am wishing to control people , then this is the wrong book for me . Very well , I can continue reading . Early in the book , it speaks about accomadating . It says , I should change and adapt to the people around me . Why me , because it is easier to change myself than to change the other . Reasonable enough .

Do we seem to be holding back sometimes, hiding something from you? We don't mean to. It's only that we are afraid of your reactions. Are we wrong ?
Maybe we could be a little nicer to each other, more thoughtful , perhaps?
We're always responding to you, even in our silence. In fact, we're often communicating the most when we seem to be doing it the least.
At times we resist you, even get angry. But there are reasons for that. They should be brought out. Are you ready to hear them?
Are we having enough fun together? Enjoying one another? Happy with each other? Just a thought.
We want to believe in you. But how do you feel about us?
Are you aware that we sense what you think about us, even though you try to hide those thoughts? That affects the way we get along with each other, you know.
We admit to causing you hurt and frustration at times. We can explain that, but we need your understanding.

This big excerpt from the prologue potrays you as a good-natured , albeit slightly reserved friend . I believe that . I was not born a terrorist or rapist . If every one wants to help , then what is the big issue ? Lack of understanding , of opening up and sharing the inner thoughts .

Who is to make the first move ? You or me ? Change starts with me . If I had zero-tolerance to defaulters , would there be any space for conversation ? It is a biased view which adamantly supports only one stand , leaving no room for alternatives . More thoughtful , perhaps ? Then you will begin to be nicer and more accomadating too .

Tolerance and understanding . Don't count on me, to let you know when.
Don't count on me, I'll do it again.
Don't count on me, it's the point you're missing.
Don't count on me, cause I'm not listening.

How many people can you actually rely on and trust ? How many times have they already disappointed you ? Are you reliable and trustworthy ?

I have broken many promises this year already . Whether due to forgetfulness , laziness or other circumstances . I was supposed to meet my friends this morning at ten in the morning . Great , I slept at three-thirty . I think you can guess the end result . Looks like I am going to pull another fast one tomorrow . I have to report in school for Prefects' Workshop at seven-thirty . Nothing wrong with that , until I find out that Company Camp meeting for all key appointment holders is at nine . Sure leaves me stumped on what to do .

Can I reach the conclusion that no one is hundred percent full of integrity ?

Society , derived from Social , derived from Socius . Latin translated to Companion . Society , a group of human beings distinguishable from other groups by mutual interests , characteristic relationships , shared institutions and a common culture . Breaks down into a whole group companions . I think the whole society play is a facade . On stage , you actors work efficiently and in harmony . The drama is perfect . Behind the curtains , you just search for opportunities to stab each other's back , head or heart . Jealousy of stolen limelight and wanting to attain fame , that is the desire to be successful in society .

I was walking to my aunt's house the other day . I passed by a bus stop playing Sudoku on my phone , and a man caught my attention . I cannot recell if he waved towards me or called out . He asked me if I had two dollars to help him . Unfortunately I told the honest truth : I did not have money with me . Nothing left to do , hence I continued on my way . Or was there something else I could have done ? Why did I not talk to him and ask how he was doing , his situation in life and all ? Some kind of Legionary I am . He plucked his courage to request help from a teenager yet was rejected . Maybe he has no shame , begging like that . Maybe you have no shame , refusing to aid people in need , then .

Is being a man of my word keeping promises ? I know I cannot always do that . Is being reliable doing what is expected every time ? I know I sometimes fall short . Is being trustworthy keeping secrets ? I know I do gossip at on occasions . Does it all actually mean being there for another , whenever wherever or whoever ? Am I a Human-being or Human-doing ? Sometimes you have just got to be a human . You just do this , do that , busy yourself with too many things . Then you forget to be human . You and I were not called Human-beings for no good reason . Get the idea ?

I think I know what I want for my birthday . A Gamma Ray album !

Fight - Gamma Ray

I see a world that`s full of fake and disillusions
I see no move in history
Where am I meant to be?
What is my destiny?
The path I`ve chosen now has lead me to a wall

And though my mind perceived I still was a blind man
And not the one who understands
For life`s a mystery...
Of things your eyes can`t see...
Faith is the key to inspiration!

Carry on!
Carry on my dear old friend
Carry on for there`s love that never ends
Carry on... carry on, carry on, carry on

So I began to trust my instinctive feelings
To live in truth and harmony
One day you realize...
It`s right before your eyes...
Truth is the key to inspiration!

Carry on!
Carry on my dear old friend
Carry on for love will never end
Carry on... carry on, carry on, carry on

In this world
Faith, hope and charity
Lead us to the one

Carry on!
Carry on my dear old friend
Carry on my love will never end
Carry on... carry on, carry on

Carry on and you will see
Life ain`t no misery
Carry on, carry on, carry on

Carry on!
You`ll see the light
Your star is shining bright
Carry on, carry on! 'Barrel plugs out ! Safety off ! Barrel plugs out ! Safety off !'

Then the siren sounds . Time to move across the field as quickly as possible . I crouched behind a cover before taking a peek by the side . Squeezed the trigger and fired . Paintballs fly back and forth .

This is the second time I am playing paintball with my brother . Each time I see old faces and meet new people . Donovan is obvious . Ignatius , my cousin . Pradeep , well , I met him in December during National Camp at Pasir Lebar camp . I finally met Stanley , and he is tall . Personally I think he is a decent person but who knows ? I have only met him once .

Paintball is an extremely expensive game to play in Singapore . It is like they want to rip your money off . When I am older I will go to Malaysia with my brother to play paintball too . Paintball also gives you bruises and small cuts . They heal , though . If you think it is not worth playing paintball , I suggest you try it first . It is expensive , but what is the point of saving your money if you do not spend it ?

I heard this homily from the priest at St Joseph's Church at Bukit Timah .

There was once this man who was very ambitious . He owned a fishing boat . Every morning , he would go to the dock and sail out to sea to fish until evening . Every morning , he saw a man lying a the beach , staring at the sea and sky . The fisherman wanted to ask what the man was doing , but decided that fishing was more important . This carried on for a long time , and still , every morning without fail , the man would be on the beach , lying on his deck chair . The fisherman's curiousity finally got the better of him . He plucked up enough courage to approach the man one morning , and asked ,
'I have been fishing here for many months , and every day I see you lying here on your chair doing nothing . Don't you have an occupation ?'
'No , but can I ask why you fish so much?'
'You see , I have already calculated . In another one year , I will have enough money to buy another fishing boat .'
'What will you do then ?'
'I will fish double the amount and in another year I will be able to purchase a fishing trawler !'
'After that , what will you do ?'
'I will be able to fish in the deep seas away from shore , and then I will earn the money to own a fleet of trawlers !'
'What will you do then ?'
'I will go international , and my fishing empire will grow . When I am finally rich and powerful , I will sell the company and retire . Then I will enjoy life .'
'Isn't that what I am doing right now ?'
...

What is the point of being 'sucessful' in life ? He who can , does . He who cannot , teaches .

Well that is a big insult to all the teachers out there . It is evening now . Listening to Winterborn on this chair . Thinking , thinking of what I should do . Time just ticks away . I can , so I will go out and do some pull ups now . I will reach the mark I set myself .

Go go go . Consciousness . You tell me that I am living here . Right now , right here . Not some distant cave or a modernised Mars . I came into the world with a blank slate of conscience . I am given the chalk , but you chose to withhold the duster . So you tell me that my journey began in 1991 .

What if . Have you ever programmed before ? If touch sensor triggered , then change motor direction anticlockwise . If colour intensity dense , then motor A turn clockwise , for 3 seconds . LegoMindstorms , I still recall programming the missions for the lego robots . But in life , do you think God bothers to limit the number of possibilities there are ? Every moment I live , there are countless alternatives of what I could do . This moment , I could be standing up and proceeding to snuggle under my covers and sleep .

What if I was born a couple of centuries before . Blood , valour , honour . Do I kill to prove my worth as a man ? A world torn apart by a disability to communicate . Kill first , talk later . Except you cannot talk once you are dead . The reason enough to slay another , the potential threat . I will kill to preserve my clan and my family . What if I had interacted and understood you ? What if , before drawing weapons , I realised that I was looking into a mirror and you were just someone like myself ?

What if I was concieved a couple of centuries after . Knowledge , fame , money . Do I exert my influence to represent my accomplishment ? A world torn apart by a resistance to communicate . Talk ? Okay , listen to this and do not speak . A monologue because your opinions are not worth anything . I will boast of my acclaim and possesions . What if I had opened my ears when you spoke ? What if I realised that you are human too whose views are valid too ?

Of all the possibilities , I am born in this age . Somewhere in between , I would presume . Sometimes I do not understand you ; We do not share a common language . Sometimes I do not respect you ; We do not stand on the same dias . Maybe this is a facade . A deception to delude myself . There is no reason why you and I cannot dialouge . Then the kick makes a full roundhouse and connects with my face . Why ? Because now you choose not to accompany .

What if everyone understood each other's actions and motives , gave respect to each individual .

Idealism .

I doubt reality will ever be as such .
In the past , in the future .

What if . Reticence .

reserve: the trait of being uncommunicative; not volunteering anything more than necessary

Why did I not come across this word before ? Is there any point in your life where you feel like saying 'Life sucks' ?

Hansel shared about that today during meeting . Feel sorry for yourself , you are pathetic . Your life is dismal enough without people making it more miserable . Delve into self-pity . Be blind . Be so blind to feel for your own sorrows and neglect other peoples' woes . Basically the gist of his insight . I merely added some satirical comments .

So now I have 'My life sucks , but their lives suck more' . Am I supposed to be happy now ? Okay , maybe if I am still not happy , then I will try not to be sad . I am not that unfortunate after all . Not being fair if I throw a tantrum when there are innocent out there suffering a worse punishment they never asked for .

Who am I to grade a person's quality of life ? I am not God . I am not a psychologist/economist . I certainly am not the United Nations . Everyone is different . No one ever learned the same lessons , reached the same conclusions , experienced the same lifestyle . How great an impact a problem may result on a unique individual is dependant on too many factors .

Everybody is somebody . Everybody has their own agenda . I cannot even begin to understand how people act . Each decision , each move , and the hidden motive . Love leads to concern . Concern degrades to worry . Worry articulates to reminders . Reminders breeds routine . Routine becomes habit . Then love is forgotten and everything done is done for the sake of routine . Why must I do this , or why must I do that ? Because it is for my sake . Apparently it is for my good , when in fact I am being suffocated .

Where do I place you on my graph of a negative gradient ? Each step further is another descent away from the original focus , love . When you are beaten , is it out of frustration that you are unable to study ? Or is it out of love in hopes that you might achieve more for yourself . Is your parent listening to love's soft whisper or rigidity's utterances about how things should be ?

I have never lived in another's person's life . Should I know instinctively whether my life is in the slums ? Lives cannot be placed on a score sheet and compared . I can merely gauge through the two windows of mine called eyes . Even if you talk with an open heart and speak with an open soul , I will never truly experience your life .

Everyone is special . I exchange fists and handshakes and hugs all the time . So does everyone else . Who am I to complain ?

So does life 'suck' that much anymore ?

Just bite the bullet and bottle the memories and emotions until one day it pops like champagne . I think I will just seperate the two with a sieve ; Treasure the memories , trash the emotions . Tied a red bandanna . Spruced up with a red shirt . Draped with a red cape . Applied with red face paint . Equipped with a mini red flag .

The similarity : Red .

Today was House Cheering day , and Michael House achieved third . Good right ? Until I tell you that there are only four houses . Lawrence house has been champion for cheers for a few years running . I will not say , 'Kudos to you , Lawrence House' . I remember the first time I came across that word . A tender age of 15 , in Secondary Three . My assignment came back to me with a remark , 'Kudos Jonathan' . I was stumped . What kind of weird word is 'Kudos' ? The only image which came to mind was the Warcraft Kodo Beasts . I bothered to search out the definition in wikipedia .

Kodo
Kodos are very big creatures that are hunted and respected by the Tauren. They are similar to historical synapsida, and bear a heavy resemblance to a Brontothere crossed with a dinosaur, though in terms of behaviour they are more reminiscent of elephants. Kodos travel Mulgore in packs of a Matriarch with her calves, and sometimes a bull or two. Interestingly, bulls usually travel on their own in the northern barrens, while they are usually seen in packs in the southern barrens. Tamed Kodo are used as pack animals in caravans to haul trade goods and to carry wardrums. A smaller breed has been used as mounts, mainly for the Tauren. The Tauren chieftain Cairne Bloodhoof gave the orcs, led by Thrall, a number of kodos as a reward for helping them fight the centaurs. Since then, the orcs adorn them with drums and ride them to war. Some fel orcs have been seen riding chaos kodo beasts in Outland, though it is unknown how they obtained these beasts. When Kodos are near death they migrate to the Kodo Graveyard in Desolace, bones in the Kodo Graveyard indicate that Kodo are able (or were once able to in the past) to grow to enormous sizes. This seems to be a reference to the legend of the Elephant's graveyard.

Leaving that aside , I was extremely shocked at the word 'Kudos' after obtaining the meaning . I mean , would you shake someone's and say 'Kudos ! Kudos on your wonderful achievements !' ? It is not my wish to be a critic , so I will leave the topic as it is and move on now .

Finally back on track . I am not complaining that Michael did not win . I have been in school for four years and in none of these have Michael won the House Cheering Competition . My consolation : We win some , we lose some . Quite obviously a competition tosses one to the clouds and drops the other into the bottom on the ocean . Someone has got to lose .

Competition . What do I use it for ? Driving force ? Motivation ? I might as well call competition a circuit . The goal of the competion shall be christianed a new name , Electromotive Force(EMF) . Read this , I am a light bulb so are the other participants in this contest . Current(I) flows through me as there is a Potential Difference(PD) and I am lit up . Digested that ? Now when two light bulbs are placed in series , they both become dimmer than usual , but the PD across both of them is still the same . Put two light bulbs in parallel , they both shine bright , but they consume more energy .

A translation . Two light bulbs in series , now that one cooperative team . They do less work each yet gets the work done . In contrast , two light bulbs in parallel , two fierce rivals , fight to complete the objectives with each individual's resources .

I am not saying competition is bad for you . My point is that , sometimes , it is better to work together . Efficiency . Competition burns your spirit faster and brighter and if you are ever going to be doused , you are in major trouble . Let me work with a companion and even if I extinguish , he will relight my flame .

What drives the mind to a solid unshakable determination is not rivalry . Strength comes from the mind itself . It is something like lifting weights . The more you lift , the bigger your muscle . The more you eat , the fatter you get . The more you practice , the better you get . You reap what you sow , most of the time . Your mind believes in what it chooses to believe in . Society says , competition boosts yourself to your fullest potential . Your mind holds this faith , and so you struggle through to the light at the end of the tunnel . Social conditioning is influential .

I cannot deny the advantages of competition , but perhaps the stark truth is that contention can push me past my limits . Limitations are not called such unless they really mean a boundary . A boundary I cannot cross . A barrier realistically constructed to mark the end of the road . Push me past my limits , and look what happened in 'The Prestige' . If you have ever viewed the movie , you will know that the magicians went to extremities to attain a greater distinction than the other . The result was , simply , death . The yearning for pride evoked enough venom to manufacture a web which ensnared the two men .

So again , to compete , is to bring about a self-driven motivation to success . Of course , with an element of danger of division strung to the terms and conditions . Then sitting in my 'thinking chair' , as I would like to name it after 'Blue's Clues' , I am asking why . When I can inspire my ownself to accomplishment , why do I require to engage in tug-of-war other people ?

Another time for change .

A lot of people become dweebs as a result of too much reflection . You become pragmatic and everything must have a reason . If they do not , then it is a waste of time . Then you begin to close in , as most of the time , the only rewarding thing to do is to study and mug and swot and get good results . Like hey , good results means you have a bright future . You have just sling-shotted yourself in your career life . Then I remember that I am human , and that humans love and care , and that is how to live .

To change to an independant highly-driven mean-studious-machine . Minus the last part and include 'thoughtful-caring-kind , gentle-understanding-loyal , loving human' . Overexaggerated but I am guessing you get my idea . Driven by the heart and not by books ! A pyramid is built slab upon slab of stones . For it to be constructed , there must be labour . Labour comes from people . So people work . Then I need to know , am I a fellow laborer , or am I a overseer of the project ?

Whenever I set a deadline , and chase people for their responsiblities , am I extending a hand to lift them up or am I holding a whip and uttering threats ? How do I build a pyramid without cooperation ? Or will I be satisfied with a monstrosity of architecture instead ? Maybe I am exagerating slightly , but the pyramid we build together , I want it to be the best . It may not be perfect or without flaws , but the sight of it would be majestic . Still , that is but a dream .

No point dreaming unless I wake up . Actions speak louder than words . A small deed done is better than a great deed planned . Today for post-confirmation class we each provided a brick a two-way trip to Bukit Timah Hill summit . In truth , that 'hill' felt extremely short compared to my memories of Gunung Lambak and Mount Kinabalu . At least I found something to take back from today . Not the brick , but the fact that the burden is lighter when I am with friends . Does not matter if Ignatius is carrying a brick himself , the company lightens the spirit .

Must be my inferior social skills , cause I cannot connect with most of my cathechism classmates . I chose to separate myself , opting not to interact beacause of a suspicion that they will never understand me . Unfair assumption , but does it matter ? No one suffers detriment . Coming back to the wonders of Egypt , the pyramid cannot be build alone . That would obviously take too long . So should I be separated or totally immersed within ? A solemn taskmaster taking pride in the work or a hardworking slave taking part in the work ? I think I will choose a taskmaster who lends a hand .

No more sitting on the fence .
Mud , Sand , Water , Straw , Faster !
Mud and lift , Sand and pull , Water and raise up , Straw , Faster ! The mind is a dangerous weapon .

Cliche ? Heard on one too many occasions ? The only reason something is cliche is because the truth has been repeated enough times to make it stick . Mind as a weapon , against the problems posed before me , against the people around me , or against myself ?

Is the heart and mind two intertwined bodies unable to be separated ? Can emotions affect a person's rationality ? A mother's love turned into worry and frustration . The fact that her son might be at risk , be in danger , provoking the emotional cook pot to steam .

Risk is something we take everyday . If a car comes by so swiftly , we risk being paralysed or killed . If we lose balance on a stair , if we use the stove , if we swim . So many risks yet we are still here living . Risks can be avoided . Just lie within a sterilized capsule with a feeding tube inserted .

It is understandable why my mother would worry so much about my brother going to Malaysia alone . You can read in the newspapers about the Singaporeans who get robbed or murdered . I personally doubt it is merely Singaporeans as a target . I think that there are Malaysians who are suffering the same fate too . Risk . Should it be a parent's choice ? I am not talking about toddlers , children or even teenagers . A young adult . Parents should learn to let go sometime . If not they would burden themselves of any subsequence . My brother must have understood the risk he was taking , but it cannot outweigh the experience gained in the trip alone .

When the mind is overladen with problems and worries , there is really no space to think . That is when I will start shooting myself in the leg . Risk is something we take everyday . If I worry too much , then I have bought a one-way ticket to paranoia .

Blogging is really a reflection for me nowadays , clear up my thoughts , get things into perspective . Ensuring that the knife-edge of my conscience is not pointing at myself .

Mind control . Tell me , what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life ?
- Mary Oliver

The video I watched during RME today was entitled "The Island" . I will rewrite it down to the best of my memory .
There was once an island . It was surrounded by rocky shores . On the island , there were many fruits and animals and all the goodness of the land , but there was no people . One day , three survivors from a storm were washed up on the shore . They saw the island and lived off the gifts of the land . Their life was wonderful and they had everything they needed .
Soon , people from all around the world heard about this island . They flocked in great numbers to the place to live there too , and enjoy the new life . And so it continued , until a time when some of the people living there gathered and said 'There is not going to be enough space for everyone on this island , let us claim the land , build fences and walls to assert our property .'
So overnight , they had built up boundaries to keep people out . The people who woke up the next morning , walked around the island seeking to enjoy the land were shocked by the harsh signs and high walls . Soon everyone was rushing to privatise their own plots of land , the quicker ones managed to snatch the remaining good pieces that were left .
So the people outside the walls were left to live on the rocky shore , and they became hungry and poor . They stood outside the fences and looked in and saw that there was enough for everyone , but they received nothing . The walls only got taller and taller . The poor sought for strength and realised they had strength in numbers , and so they planned to tear down the wall . The people within the walls knew about this , so they selected the strong , young and able from the poor to work inside the city , in return they were given sufficient food to leave them hungry enough to want to work . They invited the most inspirational leaders of the poor to enter and live in the walls , but they had to police the city for the rich . They invited the most intelligient talents of the poor to enter the schools and universities in the walls . They invited the most pious servants of God into the walls to live in the cathedral to preach . Eventually most of them forgot their brothers outside , but some of them recalled the strength lies in unity , and crossed back over the walls to join the poor .
The children who had lived all their lives within the walls managed to peek once or twice over the high walls . They saw the situation outside and swore to themselves that they would tear down the walls when they grew up . As they became adults , though , they forgot about the people without and enjoyed their lifestyle .
Thus the poor people lived and died on the rocky shore , while the rich lived their life in luxury . And it continued that way .

A short speech follows this part of the video , about why he narrated the story , about a poem , about tearing down walls . 'If this poem disturbs you , then perhaps you are one of those living within the walls .'

If I had a choice , would I be inside or outside the walls ?
I would say ouside so easily . Josephian Conditioning . But will I really be able to do it ? Big question . Then how to tear those walls down either way ?

It is getting late . I had better let slumber catch up on me or I would not be able to wake up tomorrow .
Older Post | Newer Post

An option .

It means I have a choice right ? When you ask me whether I can help , I do have a right to decline . If I refused then stop asking . I have already given my answer , stop making me repeat my response .

I realised that I tend to shy away from attention . I am content with being in the background , the backstage props man . I rather not draw the limelight to myself , given the chance .

In front of people I know , well that is a whole different vegetable .

For now , I think I prefer the shadows . It is so much less hostile and so much more welcoming . I do not understand you , you do not understand me .
I try to , yes , but somehow or other it always seems to lead to a dead end . Why ? I do not know . I may be , as you say , too adamant . I believe that you are the insistent one , imposing your views on top of mine . Can you not see that everyone has different valid views . Why must you change mine ?
I do not know why I got so worked up such a small matter as a phone call .
...
A while ago I felt as if I had gotten over the matter , that it was , fine , over and done , finished , no more emotions attached .
I guess not .
You think you are always right . Well can I propose that none of us are wrong ? No I can not . You do not listen . You only want to hammer in your nail . You do not give even the slightest concern to the cracks in the wall surrounding . I am not unaccommodating , even if you may think so . I just want to trash things out . Is that wrong ? I do not think 'trash' is the correct verb to use . I want to reach compromise . Is that so hard ? Yea it is ! Of course it is when you do not want to listen . You keep saying that 'there is a difference between thriftiness and stinginess' . That is what you are focusing on . You leave me no leeway to talk about what I think about the call , my own opinions . No , you only want me to do things the way you want them to be . The way you want them to be . I try to open my mouth again . I get your expressions of exasperation and agitation . What can I do but remain silent ?

I see a fork in the road .
I see paths to lift my load .
I see you have those trails blocked .
I see no choice and am mocked .

Finding no opportunity for compromise , I resort to what I do best .
Keeping silent , bottle up all the waste life throws at me .
It will disappear nevertheless . I think God gave me a bottle with two openings . Maybe that is just the way I am . I know I will not stay this way .

Is that a good thing ?
Or a bad thing ? What am I doing with my life ?
Sure , you can question my usefulness in life .
May I question yours ?
How 'productive' is my life ?
What is the meaning of 'productive' ?

Blood Brothers - Iron Maiden

And if you're taking a walk through the garden of life
What do you think you'd expect you would see?
Just like a mirror reflecting the moves of your life
And in the river reflections of me

Just for a second a glimpse of my father I see
And in a movement he beckons to me
And in a moment the memories are all that remain
And all the wounds are reopening again

We're blood brothers, we're blood brothers
We're blood brothers, we're blood brothers

And as you look all around at the world in dismay
What do you see, do you think we have learned
Not if you're taking a look at the war-torn affray
Out in the streets where the babies are burned

We're blood brothers, we're blood brothers
We're blood brothers, we're blood brothers

There are time when I feel I'm afraid for the world
There are times I'm ashamed of us all
When you're floating on all the emotion you feel
And reflecting the good and the bad

Will we ever know what the answer to life really is?
Can you really tell me what life is?
Maybe all the things that you know that are precious to you
Could be swept away by fate's own hand

We're blood brothers, we're blood brothers
We're blood brothers, we're blood brothers

When you think that we've used all our chances
And the chance to make everything right
Keep on making the same old mistakes
Makes untipping the balance so easy
When we're living our lives on the edge
Say a prayer on the book of the dead

We're blood brothers, we're blood brothers
We're blood brothers, we're blood brothers

And if you're taking a walk through the garden of life... I steal a glance and I find you busy .

How I wish you would stop and free yourself from that multitude of tasks waiting to be completed . You are always surrounded by things to do . An appointment with a friend , a deadline to meet , enjoying your time . How I wish you would pause and find time to be here just to sit . Just to let me know that you are beside me . Just to know that I am someone .

It seems so much like wistful thinking . You already filled your world up . At times I even see it overflowing . There is just no space for me . I see my own empty cup . Into it I sift sand through my fingers . The grains fall like in an hourglass . Time passes ever so slowly . Yet I still turn my head to see if you are there .

I am here , waiting . My cup is full , full of sand . I bury myself in this desert , dry land . I am here , tending to the sparse vegetation , trying to make good of this barren . I have achieved nothing worth mentioning . If only you care , I would pour out this cup of sand . Empty my world and make it for you .

Still , I find you busy .

So I create a world teeming with activities . Filled in time , busied myself to occupy myself while I wait . I pinch up some sand and let it dribble back into the cup . I grab a handful of sand up and let it filter back into the cup . I pinch up some more sand up and let it dribble .

I wonder if you are busy playing with sand too . People don't mind telling what they did; but they don't like telling why they did it.

A sword may slit a throat , draw blood and end a life . Yet that same sword may rest on the shoulder of a knight and fulfill a life . So what about questions ? Do I use them to probe and attack the defenses of yours ? Accuse your thoughts and condemn your actions through undeniable facts . Do I use them to let down the mask of yours ? Guess your emotions and find your reasons through gentle progressions .

I have shrunk throughout these years .
Dug deep into this darkness .
When light shines I hide my fears ,
I find these rays are careless .

How clumsy this spotlight is .
Detects none of my secrets .
When they are found then comes bliss ,
For now I wait and it hurts .

Through these years I became small .
Hope lost waiting for the light .
Lower I descend and fall ,
Without faith or strength or might .

How foolish I have behaved .
This stupidity of mine .
A trail before me was paved ,
Yet to blindness I resign .

For all it takes is a move .
Showing all the cards in hand .
My life and what it may prove ,
Laid upon this open land .

On this plot the sun shinning .
In full view of miles around .
Weaknesses how contrasting ,
With my past soul I was bound .

Now rejection may occur .
Shunned and lonely in this place .
When I face my creator ,
At least I have found solace .

In revealing all of who I am ,
I accept my true self , not a sham .

Here is the poem you asked for . Have fun reading it .
My legs want to die but I am not letting them . I count three .
The crescent moon up above in the azure blue sky , so distant its movement are insignificant to my eyes .
The earth below my feet , so vast I am only dust blown by wind compared to it .
The Sun descending into the cumulus , shining out its last rays before resting in the night .
Three massive bodies insusceptible to fatigue . Forever carrying out their duties , forever spinning on their axis , never resting , never stopping . How can I begin to imagine the extent of their existence ? Mine is but a few decades in their billions . It is as tangible as living for a split of a second and trying to grasp the experience of a lifetime .
I am only one person in over six billion . Sometimes I am unable to appreciate this fact .
A village once had six thousand peasants . Day and night , they carried on with their lives as a routine . Their grandfathers reaped the rewards of their ancestors and had toiled the lands with their own hands . Their fathers reaped the rewards of their grandfathers and had toiled the lands with their own hands . They reaped the rewards of their fathers and have toiled the lands with their own hands . Their children will reap the rewards of themselves and will toil the lands with their own hands . Thus the it loops upon itself and sustains itself . A single farmer departs from the world one day . His descendant assume the new responsibility . His family and close friends amount to twenty . They weep and mourn , but life continues . It is a passing .
So what more if a MILLION people dies ? Would merely twenty million others feel the pinch of the unfulfilled wishes left on the shelf ? What about the other five thousand million people ?
That is the extent of the world's population . That is the vastness of the world . A fact to note : 70.8% of the world's surface is water , 29.2% is land . How big is the world actually ?

I am only a dust on this desert road . I need love .

I dived into a pool without knowing if it was water or viscous goo . How naive , I ended up in the latter . My senses belied me . How gullible , I led myself to think I was in clear water . Sinking and sinking , that is what I have been doing .

No more resolutions . No more talking . No more slacking . No more planning .

All I need is passion . I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength, and I stand and watch until at last she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come down to mingle with each other. Then someone at my side says, 'There she goes!'
Gone where? Gone from my sight ... that is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and just as able to bear her load of living freight to the place of destination. Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says, 'There she goes!' there are other eyes watching her coming and their voices ready to take up the glad shouts 'Here she comes!'

- Henry Van Dyke

I am eagerly anticipating tomorrow's camp .
Then I am also feeling a little apprehensive .
Maybe I should just use the toilet now . I am feeding myself with so many different emotions .
Anticipation , fear , frustration , satisfaction just to name a few hanging on the rack . I feel like I am moving . Moving forwards and backwards but never quite getting anywhere . I do not know where to go now . I am kind of stuck here with negative displacement . I did manage to open up for those few days .
Stalled and then I fell back into my protective shell . Looking at everything from inside . Ha , I laugh at the human race . I scorn them for what they do against themselves . I cry because I cannot do anything to change it .
I cry . I do not understand and I am chagrined . There is just so much confusion and I am unable to start within . I keep trying to begin without .
I cry . When blind base emotions demand death .

I am going to settle myself first before I commence work on my social circle . Listen to the utterances all around . A struggle to focus on the paper on my desk . Exchanging minuscule items of no real significance . Hey , I am back at school .

To sum up the events occurring over the previous week .
Friday- Did a favor to GuanMing and went to school .
Saturday- Slept in and enjoyed the holiday .
Sunday- PAINTBALL !
Monday- Happy-go-lucky
Tuesday- Still happy-go-lucky
Wednesday- Creating and Editing NCC Company Camp files .
Thursday- NCC Meeting in the morning , Arrived late for Prefects' Workshop .
Friday- Continuation of the Combined Workshop with CHIJ TP .
Saturday- LLTC OT Retreat !
Sunday- LLTC OT Retreat and ... Homework .

I have this gut feeling , I am about to get really busy this week . I am guessing I will not have time to work out my thoughts swimming in my head for blogging .

Things demanding my attention over this week .

Monday- Sec1 Uniforms and Homework .
Tuesday- Legion Of Mary and more Homework .
Wednesday- Chinese Tuition/Extra Chinese Class/NCC Meeting/Detention Duty
Thursday- Precautionary date in case of any complications cropping up .
Friday- Company Camp !
Saturday- Company Camp !
Sunday- Home sweet Home , and Homework .

Just looking at this gives me the creeps .
Time to evacuate .

Sorry for this short meaningless post .
Thank you for visiting my blog and reading about my wonderful experiences I went through and am about to go through . Have you ever tried to run , yet faltered in your determination ? I started out jogging , began to walk , and now I am forced to run to pass the mark .

That is my current situation now . Oh bother . At least I learnt to love myself . If you do not love yourself then I only can say , it is not easy to be with someone you dislike 24 hours around the clock .

Death can wait . If I have had zero tolerance I would have died a long time ago . I am not alone here in this web of life . So if I do not compromise , I am attempting suicide .

I ever came across a book "How to get people to do things" by Robert Conklin . It says in the introduction , if I am wishing to control people , then this is the wrong book for me . Very well , I can continue reading . Early in the book , it speaks about accomadating . It says , I should change and adapt to the people around me . Why me , because it is easier to change myself than to change the other . Reasonable enough .

Do we seem to be holding back sometimes, hiding something from you? We don't mean to. It's only that we are afraid of your reactions. Are we wrong ?
Maybe we could be a little nicer to each other, more thoughtful , perhaps?
We're always responding to you, even in our silence. In fact, we're often communicating the most when we seem to be doing it the least.
At times we resist you, even get angry. But there are reasons for that. They should be brought out. Are you ready to hear them?
Are we having enough fun together? Enjoying one another? Happy with each other? Just a thought.
We want to believe in you. But how do you feel about us?
Are you aware that we sense what you think about us, even though you try to hide those thoughts? That affects the way we get along with each other, you know.
We admit to causing you hurt and frustration at times. We can explain that, but we need your understanding.

This big excerpt from the prologue potrays you as a good-natured , albeit slightly reserved friend . I believe that . I was not born a terrorist or rapist . If every one wants to help , then what is the big issue ? Lack of understanding , of opening up and sharing the inner thoughts .

Who is to make the first move ? You or me ? Change starts with me . If I had zero-tolerance to defaulters , would there be any space for conversation ? It is a biased view which adamantly supports only one stand , leaving no room for alternatives . More thoughtful , perhaps ? Then you will begin to be nicer and more accomadating too .

Tolerance and understanding . Don't count on me, to let you know when.
Don't count on me, I'll do it again.
Don't count on me, it's the point you're missing.
Don't count on me, cause I'm not listening.

How many people can you actually rely on and trust ? How many times have they already disappointed you ? Are you reliable and trustworthy ?

I have broken many promises this year already . Whether due to forgetfulness , laziness or other circumstances . I was supposed to meet my friends this morning at ten in the morning . Great , I slept at three-thirty . I think you can guess the end result . Looks like I am going to pull another fast one tomorrow . I have to report in school for Prefects' Workshop at seven-thirty . Nothing wrong with that , until I find out that Company Camp meeting for all key appointment holders is at nine . Sure leaves me stumped on what to do .

Can I reach the conclusion that no one is hundred percent full of integrity ?

Society , derived from Social , derived from Socius . Latin translated to Companion . Society , a group of human beings distinguishable from other groups by mutual interests , characteristic relationships , shared institutions and a common culture . Breaks down into a whole group companions . I think the whole society play is a facade . On stage , you actors work efficiently and in harmony . The drama is perfect . Behind the curtains , you just search for opportunities to stab each other's back , head or heart . Jealousy of stolen limelight and wanting to attain fame , that is the desire to be successful in society .

I was walking to my aunt's house the other day . I passed by a bus stop playing Sudoku on my phone , and a man caught my attention . I cannot recell if he waved towards me or called out . He asked me if I had two dollars to help him . Unfortunately I told the honest truth : I did not have money with me . Nothing left to do , hence I continued on my way . Or was there something else I could have done ? Why did I not talk to him and ask how he was doing , his situation in life and all ? Some kind of Legionary I am . He plucked his courage to request help from a teenager yet was rejected . Maybe he has no shame , begging like that . Maybe you have no shame , refusing to aid people in need , then .

Is being a man of my word keeping promises ? I know I cannot always do that . Is being reliable doing what is expected every time ? I know I sometimes fall short . Is being trustworthy keeping secrets ? I know I do gossip at on occasions . Does it all actually mean being there for another , whenever wherever or whoever ? Am I a Human-being or Human-doing ? Sometimes you have just got to be a human . You just do this , do that , busy yourself with too many things . Then you forget to be human . You and I were not called Human-beings for no good reason . Get the idea ?

I think I know what I want for my birthday . A Gamma Ray album !

Fight - Gamma Ray

I see a world that`s full of fake and disillusions
I see no move in history
Where am I meant to be?
What is my destiny?
The path I`ve chosen now has lead me to a wall

And though my mind perceived I still was a blind man
And not the one who understands
For life`s a mystery...
Of things your eyes can`t see...
Faith is the key to inspiration!

Carry on!
Carry on my dear old friend
Carry on for there`s love that never ends
Carry on... carry on, carry on, carry on

So I began to trust my instinctive feelings
To live in truth and harmony
One day you realize...
It`s right before your eyes...
Truth is the key to inspiration!

Carry on!
Carry on my dear old friend
Carry on for love will never end
Carry on... carry on, carry on, carry on

In this world
Faith, hope and charity
Lead us to the one

Carry on!
Carry on my dear old friend
Carry on my love will never end
Carry on... carry on, carry on

Carry on and you will see
Life ain`t no misery
Carry on, carry on, carry on

Carry on!
You`ll see the light
Your star is shining bright
Carry on, carry on! 'Barrel plugs out ! Safety off ! Barrel plugs out ! Safety off !'

Then the siren sounds . Time to move across the field as quickly as possible . I crouched behind a cover before taking a peek by the side . Squeezed the trigger and fired . Paintballs fly back and forth .

This is the second time I am playing paintball with my brother . Each time I see old faces and meet new people . Donovan is obvious . Ignatius , my cousin . Pradeep , well , I met him in December during National Camp at Pasir Lebar camp . I finally met Stanley , and he is tall . Personally I think he is a decent person but who knows ? I have only met him once .

Paintball is an extremely expensive game to play in Singapore . It is like they want to rip your money off . When I am older I will go to Malaysia with my brother to play paintball too . Paintball also gives you bruises and small cuts . They heal , though . If you think it is not worth playing paintball , I suggest you try it first . It is expensive , but what is the point of saving your money if you do not spend it ?

I heard this homily from the priest at St Joseph's Church at Bukit Timah .

There was once this man who was very ambitious . He owned a fishing boat . Every morning , he would go to the dock and sail out to sea to fish until evening . Every morning , he saw a man lying a the beach , staring at the sea and sky . The fisherman wanted to ask what the man was doing , but decided that fishing was more important . This carried on for a long time , and still , every morning without fail , the man would be on the beach , lying on his deck chair . The fisherman's curiousity finally got the better of him . He plucked up enough courage to approach the man one morning , and asked ,
'I have been fishing here for many months , and every day I see you lying here on your chair doing nothing . Don't you have an occupation ?'
'No , but can I ask why you fish so much?'
'You see , I have already calculated . In another one year , I will have enough money to buy another fishing boat .'
'What will you do then ?'
'I will fish double the amount and in another year I will be able to purchase a fishing trawler !'
'After that , what will you do ?'
'I will be able to fish in the deep seas away from shore , and then I will earn the money to own a fleet of trawlers !'
'What will you do then ?'
'I will go international , and my fishing empire will grow . When I am finally rich and powerful , I will sell the company and retire . Then I will enjoy life .'
'Isn't that what I am doing right now ?'
...

What is the point of being 'sucessful' in life ? He who can , does . He who cannot , teaches .

Well that is a big insult to all the teachers out there . It is evening now . Listening to Winterborn on this chair . Thinking , thinking of what I should do . Time just ticks away . I can , so I will go out and do some pull ups now . I will reach the mark I set myself .

Go go go . Consciousness . You tell me that I am living here . Right now , right here . Not some distant cave or a modernised Mars . I came into the world with a blank slate of conscience . I am given the chalk , but you chose to withhold the duster . So you tell me that my journey began in 1991 .

What if . Have you ever programmed before ? If touch sensor triggered , then change motor direction anticlockwise . If colour intensity dense , then motor A turn clockwise , for 3 seconds . LegoMindstorms , I still recall programming the missions for the lego robots . But in life , do you think God bothers to limit the number of possibilities there are ? Every moment I live , there are countless alternatives of what I could do . This moment , I could be standing up and proceeding to snuggle under my covers and sleep .

What if I was born a couple of centuries before . Blood , valour , honour . Do I kill to prove my worth as a man ? A world torn apart by a disability to communicate . Kill first , talk later . Except you cannot talk once you are dead . The reason enough to slay another , the potential threat . I will kill to preserve my clan and my family . What if I had interacted and understood you ? What if , before drawing weapons , I realised that I was looking into a mirror and you were just someone like myself ?

What if I was concieved a couple of centuries after . Knowledge , fame , money . Do I exert my influence to represent my accomplishment ? A world torn apart by a resistance to communicate . Talk ? Okay , listen to this and do not speak . A monologue because your opinions are not worth anything . I will boast of my acclaim and possesions . What if I had opened my ears when you spoke ? What if I realised that you are human too whose views are valid too ?

Of all the possibilities , I am born in this age . Somewhere in between , I would presume . Sometimes I do not understand you ; We do not share a common language . Sometimes I do not respect you ; We do not stand on the same dias . Maybe this is a facade . A deception to delude myself . There is no reason why you and I cannot dialouge . Then the kick makes a full roundhouse and connects with my face . Why ? Because now you choose not to accompany .

What if everyone understood each other's actions and motives , gave respect to each individual .

Idealism .

I doubt reality will ever be as such .
In the past , in the future .

What if . Reticence .

reserve: the trait of being uncommunicative; not volunteering anything more than necessary

Why did I not come across this word before ? Is there any point in your life where you feel like saying 'Life sucks' ?

Hansel shared about that today during meeting . Feel sorry for yourself , you are pathetic . Your life is dismal enough without people making it more miserable . Delve into self-pity . Be blind . Be so blind to feel for your own sorrows and neglect other peoples' woes . Basically the gist of his insight . I merely added some satirical comments .

So now I have 'My life sucks , but their lives suck more' . Am I supposed to be happy now ? Okay , maybe if I am still not happy , then I will try not to be sad . I am not that unfortunate after all . Not being fair if I throw a tantrum when there are innocent out there suffering a worse punishment they never asked for .

Who am I to grade a person's quality of life ? I am not God . I am not a psychologist/economist . I certainly am not the United Nations . Everyone is different . No one ever learned the same lessons , reached the same conclusions , experienced the same lifestyle . How great an impact a problem may result on a unique individual is dependant on too many factors .

Everybody is somebody . Everybody has their own agenda . I cannot even begin to understand how people act . Each decision , each move , and the hidden motive . Love leads to concern . Concern degrades to worry . Worry articulates to reminders . Reminders breeds routine . Routine becomes habit . Then love is forgotten and everything done is done for the sake of routine . Why must I do this , or why must I do that ? Because it is for my sake . Apparently it is for my good , when in fact I am being suffocated .

Where do I place you on my graph of a negative gradient ? Each step further is another descent away from the original focus , love . When you are beaten , is it out of frustration that you are unable to study ? Or is it out of love in hopes that you might achieve more for yourself . Is your parent listening to love's soft whisper or rigidity's utterances about how things should be ?

I have never lived in another's person's life . Should I know instinctively whether my life is in the slums ? Lives cannot be placed on a score sheet and compared . I can merely gauge through the two windows of mine called eyes . Even if you talk with an open heart and speak with an open soul , I will never truly experience your life .

Everyone is special . I exchange fists and handshakes and hugs all the time . So does everyone else . Who am I to complain ?

So does life 'suck' that much anymore ?

Just bite the bullet and bottle the memories and emotions until one day it pops like champagne . I think I will just seperate the two with a sieve ; Treasure the memories , trash the emotions . Tied a red bandanna . Spruced up with a red shirt . Draped with a red cape . Applied with red face paint . Equipped with a mini red flag .

The similarity : Red .

Today was House Cheering day , and Michael House achieved third . Good right ? Until I tell you that there are only four houses . Lawrence house has been champion for cheers for a few years running . I will not say , 'Kudos to you , Lawrence House' . I remember the first time I came across that word . A tender age of 15 , in Secondary Three . My assignment came back to me with a remark , 'Kudos Jonathan' . I was stumped . What kind of weird word is 'Kudos' ? The only image which came to mind was the Warcraft Kodo Beasts . I bothered to search out the definition in wikipedia .

Kodo
Kodos are very big creatures that are hunted and respected by the Tauren. They are similar to historical synapsida, and bear a heavy resemblance to a Brontothere crossed with a dinosaur, though in terms of behaviour they are more reminiscent of elephants. Kodos travel Mulgore in packs of a Matriarch with her calves, and sometimes a bull or two. Interestingly, bulls usually travel on their own in the northern barrens, while they are usually seen in packs in the southern barrens. Tamed Kodo are used as pack animals in caravans to haul trade goods and to carry wardrums. A smaller breed has been used as mounts, mainly for the Tauren. The Tauren chieftain Cairne Bloodhoof gave the orcs, led by Thrall, a number of kodos as a reward for helping them fight the centaurs. Since then, the orcs adorn them with drums and ride them to war. Some fel orcs have been seen riding chaos kodo beasts in Outland, though it is unknown how they obtained these beasts. When Kodos are near death they migrate to the Kodo Graveyard in Desolace, bones in the Kodo Graveyard indicate that Kodo are able (or were once able to in the past) to grow to enormous sizes. This seems to be a reference to the legend of the Elephant's graveyard.

Leaving that aside , I was extremely shocked at the word 'Kudos' after obtaining the meaning . I mean , would you shake someone's and say 'Kudos ! Kudos on your wonderful achievements !' ? It is not my wish to be a critic , so I will leave the topic as it is and move on now .

Finally back on track . I am not complaining that Michael did not win . I have been in school for four years and in none of these have Michael won the House Cheering Competition . My consolation : We win some , we lose some . Quite obviously a competition tosses one to the clouds and drops the other into the bottom on the ocean . Someone has got to lose .

Competition . What do I use it for ? Driving force ? Motivation ? I might as well call competition a circuit . The goal of the competion shall be christianed a new name , Electromotive Force(EMF) . Read this , I am a light bulb so are the other participants in this contest . Current(I) flows through me as there is a Potential Difference(PD) and I am lit up . Digested that ? Now when two light bulbs are placed in series , they both become dimmer than usual , but the PD across both of them is still the same . Put two light bulbs in parallel , they both shine bright , but they consume more energy .

A translation . Two light bulbs in series , now that one cooperative team . They do less work each yet gets the work done . In contrast , two light bulbs in parallel , two fierce rivals , fight to complete the objectives with each individual's resources .

I am not saying competition is bad for you . My point is that , sometimes , it is better to work together . Efficiency . Competition burns your spirit faster and brighter and if you are ever going to be doused , you are in major trouble . Let me work with a companion and even if I extinguish , he will relight my flame .

What drives the mind to a solid unshakable determination is not rivalry . Strength comes from the mind itself . It is something like lifting weights . The more you lift , the bigger your muscle . The more you eat , the fatter you get . The more you practice , the better you get . You reap what you sow , most of the time . Your mind believes in what it chooses to believe in . Society says , competition boosts yourself to your fullest potential . Your mind holds this faith , and so you struggle through to the light at the end of the tunnel . Social conditioning is influential .

I cannot deny the advantages of competition , but perhaps the stark truth is that contention can push me past my limits . Limitations are not called such unless they really mean a boundary . A boundary I cannot cross . A barrier realistically constructed to mark the end of the road . Push me past my limits , and look what happened in 'The Prestige' . If you have ever viewed the movie , you will know that the magicians went to extremities to attain a greater distinction than the other . The result was , simply , death . The yearning for pride evoked enough venom to manufacture a web which ensnared the two men .

So again , to compete , is to bring about a self-driven motivation to success . Of course , with an element of danger of division strung to the terms and conditions . Then sitting in my 'thinking chair' , as I would like to name it after 'Blue's Clues' , I am asking why . When I can inspire my ownself to accomplishment , why do I require to engage in tug-of-war other people ?

Another time for change .

A lot of people become dweebs as a result of too much reflection . You become pragmatic and everything must have a reason . If they do not , then it is a waste of time . Then you begin to close in , as most of the time , the only rewarding thing to do is to study and mug and swot and get good results . Like hey , good results means you have a bright future . You have just sling-shotted yourself in your career life . Then I remember that I am human , and that humans love and care , and that is how to live .

To change to an independant highly-driven mean-studious-machine . Minus the last part and include 'thoughtful-caring-kind , gentle-understanding-loyal , loving human' . Overexaggerated but I am guessing you get my idea . Driven by the heart and not by books ! A pyramid is built slab upon slab of stones . For it to be constructed , there must be labour . Labour comes from people . So people work . Then I need to know , am I a fellow laborer , or am I a overseer of the project ?

Whenever I set a deadline , and chase people for their responsiblities , am I extending a hand to lift them up or am I holding a whip and uttering threats ? How do I build a pyramid without cooperation ? Or will I be satisfied with a monstrosity of architecture instead ? Maybe I am exagerating slightly , but the pyramid we build together , I want it to be the best . It may not be perfect or without flaws , but the sight of it would be majestic . Still , that is but a dream .

No point dreaming unless I wake up . Actions speak louder than words . A small deed done is better than a great deed planned . Today for post-confirmation class we each provided a brick a two-way trip to Bukit Timah Hill summit . In truth , that 'hill' felt extremely short compared to my memories of Gunung Lambak and Mount Kinabalu . At least I found something to take back from today . Not the brick , but the fact that the burden is lighter when I am with friends . Does not matter if Ignatius is carrying a brick himself , the company lightens the spirit .

Must be my inferior social skills , cause I cannot connect with most of my cathechism classmates . I chose to separate myself , opting not to interact beacause of a suspicion that they will never understand me . Unfair assumption , but does it matter ? No one suffers detriment . Coming back to the wonders of Egypt , the pyramid cannot be build alone . That would obviously take too long . So should I be separated or totally immersed within ? A solemn taskmaster taking pride in the work or a hardworking slave taking part in the work ? I think I will choose a taskmaster who lends a hand .

No more sitting on the fence .
Mud , Sand , Water , Straw , Faster !
Mud and lift , Sand and pull , Water and raise up , Straw , Faster ! The mind is a dangerous weapon .

Cliche ? Heard on one too many occasions ? The only reason something is cliche is because the truth has been repeated enough times to make it stick . Mind as a weapon , against the problems posed before me , against the people around me , or against myself ?

Is the heart and mind two intertwined bodies unable to be separated ? Can emotions affect a person's rationality ? A mother's love turned into worry and frustration . The fact that her son might be at risk , be in danger , provoking the emotional cook pot to steam .

Risk is something we take everyday . If a car comes by so swiftly , we risk being paralysed or killed . If we lose balance on a stair , if we use the stove , if we swim . So many risks yet we are still here living . Risks can be avoided . Just lie within a sterilized capsule with a feeding tube inserted .

It is understandable why my mother would worry so much about my brother going to Malaysia alone . You can read in the newspapers about the Singaporeans who get robbed or murdered . I personally doubt it is merely Singaporeans as a target . I think that there are Malaysians who are suffering the same fate too . Risk . Should it be a parent's choice ? I am not talking about toddlers , children or even teenagers . A young adult . Parents should learn to let go sometime . If not they would burden themselves of any subsequence . My brother must have understood the risk he was taking , but it cannot outweigh the experience gained in the trip alone .

When the mind is overladen with problems and worries , there is really no space to think . That is when I will start shooting myself in the leg . Risk is something we take everyday . If I worry too much , then I have bought a one-way ticket to paranoia .

Blogging is really a reflection for me nowadays , clear up my thoughts , get things into perspective . Ensuring that the knife-edge of my conscience is not pointing at myself .

Mind control . Tell me , what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life ?
- Mary Oliver

The video I watched during RME today was entitled "The Island" . I will rewrite it down to the best of my memory .
There was once an island . It was surrounded by rocky shores . On the island , there were many fruits and animals and all the goodness of the land , but there was no people . One day , three survivors from a storm were washed up on the shore . They saw the island and lived off the gifts of the land . Their life was wonderful and they had everything they needed .
Soon , people from all around the world heard about this island . They flocked in great numbers to the place to live there too , and enjoy the new life . And so it continued , until a time when some of the people living there gathered and said 'There is not going to be enough space for everyone on this island , let us claim the land , build fences and walls to assert our property .'
So overnight , they had built up boundaries to keep people out . The people who woke up the next morning , walked around the island seeking to enjoy the land were shocked by the harsh signs and high walls . Soon everyone was rushing to privatise their own plots of land , the quicker ones managed to snatch the remaining good pieces that were left .
So the people outside the walls were left to live on the rocky shore , and they became hungry and poor . They stood outside the fences and looked in and saw that there was enough for everyone , but they received nothing . The walls only got taller and taller . The poor sought for strength and realised they had strength in numbers , and so they planned to tear down the wall . The people within the walls knew about this , so they selected the strong , young and able from the poor to work inside the city , in return they were given sufficient food to leave them hungry enough to want to work . They invited the most inspirational leaders of the poor to enter and live in the walls , but they had to police the city for the rich . They invited the most intelligient talents of the poor to enter the schools and universities in the walls . They invited the most pious servants of God into the walls to live in the cathedral to preach . Eventually most of them forgot their brothers outside , but some of them recalled the strength lies in unity , and crossed back over the walls to join the poor .
The children who had lived all their lives within the walls managed to peek once or twice over the high walls . They saw the situation outside and swore to themselves that they would tear down the walls when they grew up . As they became adults , though , they forgot about the people without and enjoyed their lifestyle .
Thus the poor people lived and died on the rocky shore , while the rich lived their life in luxury . And it continued that way .

A short speech follows this part of the video , about why he narrated the story , about a poem , about tearing down walls . 'If this poem disturbs you , then perhaps you are one of those living within the walls .'

If I had a choice , would I be inside or outside the walls ?
I would say ouside so easily . Josephian Conditioning . But will I really be able to do it ? Big question . Then how to tear those walls down either way ?

It is getting late . I had better let slumber catch up on me or I would not be able to wake up tomorrow .
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