28 February 2007
What is emotion ?If I had been born into a family of unicellular organisms instead , this complex topic would never have been of consequence . I would have one function , reproduce , continue my existence . But the fact is , I am not . I am a human being . A human being with Joy , Sadness , Anger , Love , Hate all thrown into this package of my life .
I found the answer listening to a song by Savage Garden . Very pragmatic , but very true in it's own sense .
Love and other moments are just chemical reactions in your brain
In your brain
And feelings of aggression are the absence of the love drug in your veins
In your veins
It is all hormones wrecking havoc in the brain . Emotion is merely a response , from fine-tuning of so many eras , evolving into Homo sapiens today .
Love and other socially acceptable emotions are morphine
They’re morphine
Cleverly concealing primal urges often felt but rarely seen
Rarely seen
So if emotion is something so clearly defined in science , why is it such a struggle to keep it under control . Outbursts of anger , of feigned jealousy developing into reality , joy vanishing in instances . Maybe that is just the way emotion is . Maybe hormones just do not sit still , giving you a good roller coaster ride between depression and euphoria .
Troublesome , I think . Then what if there was never any emotion , no hormones to tell me "Cry" or "Laugh" . Nothing to instigate me to throw my room in disarray , to display my displeasure , to frown , or muse . then just like Equilibrium . Peace . Nothing else . Joy and Laughter sacrificed to suppress the sister emotions of Anger and Discontentment . Breath becomes a clock , and the only destination I await is death . Compare me to a simple organism then , what is the difference ? At that time , I would only be continuing my existence .
How then to define emotion . Is it the key to the meaning to life ? Then why do I sometimes hear about people who cannot surmount their depression , and end up beneath the reaper's scythe a few decades too early . I find it easy to just stop and declare : It is too much above our understanding to comprehend . Something like fate . I do not know how to define emotion properly , but I am learning . At least I do know , the meaning to life , well that is love . Once you have loved , you have found purpose .
So I keep moving along this corridor looking for those doors entitled 'love' .
Opportunities to engage my emotions and my purpose .
27 February 2007
Revenge .Is revenge really that sweet ? Does revenge really sate the hunger of anger ? Revenge is just a coloured-goggles you put on that bias your sight . It tells you that since you were wronged , you are absolutely right to revenge the other .
I reached school and climbed up the stairways towards my classroom . The sun had not shone it's first rays yet , but there was still enough light to get by . Classmates were playing with each other . He was throwing three ten-dollar notes up into the air , to leave them to flutter down to the floor . Clearly the other was not pleased with this , it was his money afterall . I picked up the notes and passed it back to the former . After a minute or two of persuasion , the latter got the notes back .
The owner was holding a ten-dollar note , when the other nudged him . He ended up with two half-a-ten-dollar notes . A quarrel ensued . The victim wanted a ten-dollar compensation . The other party denied this and supported that it was not him who tore the money , he was not even touching the note when it ripped .
The victim's stand remained thus , that he was provoked , and if the aggressor had not thrown the notes in the first place , all this would not have happened . If your notes were thrown , would you be happy ? So the other guy took out his wallet and produced some notes for him to throw , a demonstration . The 'victim' took the five-dollar note (there was no ten-dollar ones) and tore it .
Stupidity .
Rage is blind .
Who wins now ?
Animosity .
But at least now , I can kill you and take revenge for my men .
Don't use the dead ones as an excuse to cover up your savageness . War will only cause more death . Both the dead and the living ones have to suffer .
I do not think there is such a thing as rational revenge . Revenge is just a result of inflicted hurt . The hurt then nurtured to grow like a tumor in the heart . Poisoning the emotions and finally directing it back to the perpetrator . No response at all . Merely a reaction . Victim hurt - Lament unfairness - Angry at injustice - Rage accumulates - Exacting revenge . The scope is so narrow , focused on returning the hurt received , and doing it generously .
I once read about this father , who taught his sickly son . Do not , because of all your conditions and sickness , contract another disease . The disease of self-pity , that you are weak and useless . You must be independant and live as any other person would .
In my opinion , is very alike to a situation where I am hurt . I can either drive down the road of revenge . Or I could miss this U-turn , and carry on walking along this lane of living . I will try not to succumb to anger and deceive myself that it is my right to play God .
Whoever said living was without trials . Just carry the hurt on the journey , as Warhammer40k puts it , Perseverance and silence are the highest virtues .
Choice .
An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind .
26 February 2007
Blueprint : How To Make A Model Of The World .1) Obtain a hemisphere made of metal .
2) Insert an axle into the center , perpendicular to the flat surface side .
3) Continue the insertion until it protrudes from the middle of the rounded end .
4) Place four magnets on the hemisphere , never along the same lattitude .
5) Spin your hemisphere , rounded-side up , flat-side down .
A breakdown of this construction .
The hemisphere is the quality of life in the material sense . The foundation on which our lives in this world is built on . The more money we have , the better technology we enjoy , the more extravagent out lifestyle . You're very lucky if you're located up there at the peak of the sphere .
The axle , representative of time , pushing us along , never letting us pause for a break . Once it starts spinning you're on the ride for life . Get off for a respite and you're dead . Byebye .
The four magnets is obviously symbolising us . Maybe I should have ammended the requirement to six billion magnets instead . The answer to this contraption is here . If you're found at 0 degrees lattitude , your life is really really zilch . Nothing at all . If you're at 90 degrees you probably eat money for food too .
One would probably be very happy to be at the top of the inverted bowl . Too much money on your hands to know what to do with it . All that distance between your feet and the bottom of the hemisphere shows the immense wealth accumulated . Sure , you lose some , you gain some . But you can always re-establish your position easily .
Such is life when the floor we tread is so gentle .
Flip back abit . Look at the base of the hemisphere . I think that there is a lot more area here to attach the six billion people down here than up on above . But people do not get satisfied so simply . So they work , invest , gamble . Anything to rise up the rungs of the material ladder . Yet , see the gradient is so steep , many fail and many fall . How to climb when even a slight mistake would only mean a slip deeper into the abyss of poverty .
I guess , I suppose most of the people I know are in the middle band . I would place my own self here too . 'Watch your step' they always say , and with good reason too . You do not want to burn your fingers in the market , fail a business venture , crash down an ever growing gradient . Depending on how far you've fallen , the difficulty of ascent up the slope will be . Once you have started the ball rolling , stablized your assets and power , you are in for a smooth sailing journey to the plateau on high .
There is only one reason I can find to explain why , since it is such a non-stop trip to monetary success , there is still such a small proportion of people holding the wealth . Basically , there is just so little space up there you just get become another pixel added to the edge of the pack . Think about it as a skin disease , which creeps slowly from the center out . There are people so rich , I can never ever hope for a niche created , for myself to nudge in .
I almost forgot to add this in . A little touch of physics . Ever rotation generates a centrifugal force . Same for this set-up . The outer rings are subject to greater pressure , and inertia is greater . Not because they do not want to move to the center , it is harder to move inwards than outwards .
Free loop ?
Our world is in an insane man-made organised chaos . The only reason I have not hopped off yet is because I have not discovered where I would land yet . It is never nice to jump to my death , suicide ain't ever good .
I just thought of a new model , but will save myself the time . It is just an inversed version . Most of the principles are the same . Maybe I just like bowls . I could even live in an igloo next time . If there is still enough ice left which has not melted due to extreme global warming .
24 February 2007
It happens all the time .My maid woke me up at the usual time . I had asked her to the previous night . I thought , maybe , just maybe , I would be able to achieve some substantial work before I left for school . I never got out of bed till 9 am .
The meeting was in school , LT2 , at 10 am . I thought , hey , why not get some exercise and jog to school ? I ended up walking most of the route .
Promises I make to myself that I cannot keep .
It is not a matter of the magnitude of my requirements . It is a matter of my self-control and discipline .
I spent the better half of this afternoon creating this skin , I modified (as Mr Kenny Wong prefers to put it) the skin from my cousin's , Darrick . I rather not see it as plagarizing , it had undergone a total makeover .
Simple matters like this , I seem to be able to accomplish . Why ? Because I am warranted a seat in front of the computer with not so much to do as to flex my fingers . Is it now a situation where my threshold for labour limits me ? Or is a subtle psychological barrier constricting me ?
Sometimes , I do manage to push myself . Then so I tell myself , it is what I want , what is good for me .
But is this living in my own web of lies ? It happens all the time , deceiving myself .
23 February 2007
So I've stopped using MSN .Temptation comes ever so often .
Just to change my status to online ,
While checking my mail .
So many things have happened today .
Today , unlike any other day .
Yesterday , different from today .
Tomorrow , possibilities are endless .
One moment , in school , stoning ,
Splayed as the sarcasm spat .
Just stone and let the seconds tick by .
Next second , library , reading about Sun Yat-sen .
Digressing from the English project .
Blink , and now I'm in the Chem Lab .
I try figure what is wrong with Fe2SO6 .
Looks like it was FeSO2 .
Fingers snap , bus journey to Paya Lebar .
But wait , is this our bus ?
We're five people on a forty-five seater bus ?
I'm irked by the numbers .
I can change my life !
But can I change others ?
Nah . Only others can change themselves .
You know .
The temptation to use a swear right now is so appealing .
Then I revisit morning prayer today .
Albeit I can't remember what he said ,
Must have meant something .
Took a bus from PLAB down to Toa Payoh Interchange ,
Then I came back to SJI .
Maybe I should have gone straight home .
Training had already finished when I arrived .
Well at least they were there .
I really have no wish to talk anymore .
All that is going to come out is a negative lecture .
Parents and grandparents just finished watching a show .
Too bad in the end he failed to reach the family ,
Or is it ?
What was his aim in the beginning .
Nevermind .
My rantings are confusing me .
Just add more fuel to propel the spirit .
Do not care how it is processsed .
22 February 2007
Muse .How to lead without first setting an example of oneself ?
How I really do not know .
God grant me serenity .
...
Fork in the road .
(Spoon ? No . A fork .)
So used to my dual identities ,
I can almost move between each effortlessly .
But is the tone really set straight ?
Or does it fluctuate with each leap I take across the charater spectrum .
Time to draw myself a boundary ,
Chain myself to the bare landscape .
Wall myself in as Jews were segregated .
Letting nothing , nothing but the slightest need , out .
Fill my own space with my own laws ,
My own judgement .
Allowing nothing , nothing but the minimum , in .
Self-righteousness is a madman's wife .
How could I ever trial another's action ,
As an angel might weigh a soul on a scale .
My accommodation becomes smaller .
But this choice I make ,
I pray that it may be kept .
As he had so finely put it ,
Anomaly in creation .
Another hesitant step into this thickening mist .
Where the darkness is blinding me ,
Where the light is losing me .
The fog full of flaws that consume me ,
As I look for something else .
21 February 2007
There was once a wise sage ,Who wanted to know the heart of Man .
To three guests who entered his house ,
He presented them with a sack of gold .
A question was posed .
What would they do with the sack of gold ?
The first man answered .
I would most certainly return the sack back to the owner ,
If I knew who it was .
The wise man retorted ,
You fool !
The second man replied .
I would not be so stupid as to return the bag ,
I would keep the gold for myself .
The sage accused ,
You scoundrel !
The last man took the sack of gold in his hands and said .
I do not know what I would do with the sack of gold .
For when the time comes for me to make such a choice ,
I do not know if I can overcome
The evil inclination to return what is not my own ;
Or whether that evil may prove to be the greater ,
And overpower my self .
But if the Holy One sends his blessings unto me ,
And give me strength ,
Then only would I be able to surmount the evil inclination ,
And return the sack of gold to the rightful owner .
The sage spoke ,
You are wise indeed ,
For you know that when the moment arises ,
Only through the Grace of the One up above ,
Can good be achieved .
A short irrelevant-to-the-above reflection ,
About a movie Collateral I watched during the long weekend .
If you prick us do we not bleed ?
If you tickle us do we not laugh ?
If you poison us do we not die ?
And if you wrong us shall we not revenge ?
Why exercise apathy ?
I don't really care to answer that question .
Indifference requires no answer , does it ?
19 February 2007
Deep rotting fear .They are infected with it .
Fear is a disease .
Strike it from your heart .
17 February 2007
And a Man sat alone .Drenched deep in sadness .
And all the animals drew near to him and said:
We do not like to see you so sad ,
Ask us for whatever you wish and you shall have it .
The Man said: I want to have good sight .
The vulture replied: You shall have mine .
The Man said: I want to be strong .
The jaguar said: You shall be strong like me .
Then the Man said: I long to know the secrets of the earth .
The serpent replied: I will show them to you .
And so it went with all the animals .
And when the Man had all the gifts that they could give ,
He left .
Then the owl said to the other animals:
Now the Man knows much and is able to do many things ,
Suddenly I am afraid .
The deer said: The Man has all that he need .
Now his sadness will stop .
But the owl replied: No .
I saw a hole in the Man ,
Deep like a hunger he will never fill ,
It is what makes him sad and what makes him want .
He will go on taking and taking ,
Until one day the World will say:
I am no more and I have nothing left to give .
13 February 2007
New skin .It's about Hitman .
Got the picture from the Hitman website .
Time to study for EMath and Chemistry .
Legion is Family :)
11 February 2007
I don't want to spend too much time on this ,So I'll summarize what happened yesterday and today .
Saturday .
Waken up at 10 plus , by an sms .
I slept at 3 the night before .
I guess 7 hours is decent enough ,
So I went downstairs to use the computer .
Played DotA till about 1 plus .
Met Wesley at the Library at 2 .
Came home at 5 something .
Bought back dinner for the family .
Had to rush dinner but in the end ,
Iggy and I weren't late .
We walked to Newton MRT ,
Took the train to Yishun .
Shopped for abit .
Took the shuttle bus down to Orchid Country Club .
Met my brother there .
Started playing Paintball at almost 9 .
Took at shower there and left about 11 .
Had supper at Newton and reached home at 12 plus .
Slept at 3.30 .
Today .
Somehow managed to wake up in time for Cathechism .
Reached at 9.45 , only for Iggy and I to find them in the canteen .
Celebrating CNY ...
Hey Iggy you 'chu mai' me at the pyramid game .
Evil .
12 noon mass .
Saw Mrs Jey there .
Went to Mong Hing for lunch with grandparents .
Reached home at 3 .
Slept till dinner time .
Dinner now , it's 8 too .
I have a bad feeling about my common tests ,
This coming week .
I do love stress-free weekends .
08 February 2007
I hereby pledge to be an uninterested student in school .Came back from some Army Base I don't know where .
Helped out there .
Being a specialist is fun .
Anyway .
I got home ,
Computered a little .
Went to the park .
No one came for awhile .
Then Christopher arrived .
Yu Ming followed shortly after .
Played soccer for most of the time there .
Sigh .
I wonder if I can keep that vow .
Haha .
06 February 2007
Went to his dad's funeral wake again today .Didn't stay as long as yesterday .
After the rosary and about twenty minutes ,
I left about six with Sa Sim and Luke .
Saw a familiar face there .
Can't remember her name .
I think I remember her cause ,
Last time I went out with Iggy and friends .
Inference : She must be from sailing .
Anyway when I reached home ,
I tweaked with the internet abit .
It couldn't connect .
I managed to get it online after that .
Went out .
Made three new friends !
Haha .
Let's see .
Stephanie , Jonathan , Jeanette .
I am not sure if I got the spelling right .
I'm typing from what they pronounced .
They are Primary 2 .
Please do not be asserted that I'm a paedophile ,
Thanks .
They are just my neighbours .
Played soccer and ran around chasing Alex .
Ahh , what a good day .
Now it's dinner and all things point at one thing .
Homework , groanwork .
I remember a poem which went something like that .
You shall wander far in safety ,
Though you do not know the way .
04 February 2007
Breaking Benjamin - AwayVerses only .
Cold am I
I'm beside myself
Because there's no one else
Have I grown
So blind
Only god could save you
If you knew your way to the light
So fly away
And leave it behind
Just stay awake
There's nowhere to hide
Frail and dry
I could lose it all
But I cannot recall
It's all wrong
Don't cry
Clear away this hate
And we can start to make it alright
So fly away
And leave it behind
Return someday
With red in your eyes
Oh my God .
Please let those elusive ORANGE CARDS ,
Turn up by tomorrow .
I so need them .
Otherwise I so am screwed .
As in SERIOUSLY screwed .
What can I say ?
Another day on this wonderful planet .
Thanks for this world it sure is lovely .
03 February 2007
Not feeling too good .Feel like a stomach ache of the mind .
Call it head ache I don`t care .
I never knew things could prod your brains ,
From so many different angles .
It`ll probably implode ,
So you don`t need to worry so much .
The mess won`t be too hassle to clear .
Strangely enough ,
They all emit from the same source .
Sigh .
Sigh .
Sigh .
One two three four ..
I`ve lost count of how many times ,
I`ve told myself .
Happiness is a choice !
Now ain`t that optimistic .
Too bad I don`t choose it .
Can`t bring myself to .
Is that still a choice ?
I suppose .
After all .
When one door closes another door opens .
I suddenly have one wish .
One crazy wish .
Ah heck what am I thinking about .
I`ll never control time .
And even if I did what use would it be .
Things will still have to follow a timeline .
I can`t possibly skip an hour ,
Can`t imagine how time ticks backwards .
Bryan just told me he can`t play .
And he was supposed to help me ,
So I could keep my mind off the nagging troubles .
So I pray .
I pray I`ll make it through .
Take heed, dear heart
Once apart, she can touch nor me nor you
Oh isolation is so comforting .
01 February 2007
Once again I say ,Happiness is a choice .
Either you want to be happy ,
Or you don`t .
Good choice?
Bad choice?
Out of three
You've chosen misery
Today for RME we were talking about Organ Trading .
Yes or No .
Both are valid .
Both are trying to help humanity .
The whole problem lies with the money .
Desire, lust, obsession -
Death - they'll bring
We can't get out once they are in
Things will pass .
Like a leaf in an icy world
Memories will fade