Halfway!

I am halfway finished! You thought I had finished long ago, and was just being humbly quiet about it?
Not so!
This book is simply the best gift, the gift that keeps on giving, the gift that blesses the giftee with the gift of knowledge, and then blesses others with their gifted writing.

(On rereading that, I may have used the word 'gift' too many times; I will consult Strunk and White later to see what is appropriate; sometimes repetitiveness is good, sometimes it is not; it can be confusing, this quest for good writing.)

However, I have mastered the following principles of composition.

It is not acceptable to write:

Jordan, against the wishes of all people everywhere, after watching Prince Caspian on T.V., named his first daughter Prunaprismia, thinking there could not be any other Prunaprismia's in her kindergarten class--that's for darn tootin' sure--only to be saddened later, after years of holding his breath in anticipation of his daughter having the perfect unique name, found that, indeed, there were other C.S. Lewis fans in the world, and sadly, there was not just one, but two other Prunie's in her class, as they were lovingly called by their families, and she, having a witchy teacher, had to write Prunaprismia C. on all her papers; what seemed like a blessing--to Jordan--had now become a curse to innocent Prunie.

It is acceptable to write:

Against the wishes of all people everywhere, Jordan named his first daughter Prunaprismia in honor of his favorite author, C.S. Lewis.

It is not acceptable to write:

Bear, who live in the beautiful and fun state of Alaska, are ferocious and own sharp claws and teeth, and will eat small children any time of the day at the slightest opportunity, even if said child is holding bear spray, because everyone agrees that does not work, and so, Cindy and her husband David, did what any good parents would do, and quickly moved back to Utah with their young son in tow, knowing that the greatest threat he would face there would be a swift kick in the butt from Grandpa for messing with the vent covers, like poor cousin James, who has happily recovered with minimal emotional scarring.

It is acceptable to write:

Though Alaska is beautiful and fun, Cindy and David moved back home to Utah to protect their young son from ferocious bears.

Smiley Hair

When Emily got out of the tub this morning I told her we needed to comb her hair.
She asked, "So I don't have smiley faces in it?"
I said, "What?"
She said, "You said I have to comb my hair while it's wet so I don't have smiley faces in it."
I said, "You mean snarls?"
"Yeah, those," she said.

Elements of Style: Update

Probably no one is very interested to know what page I am on in my love-hate relationship with this book, but I'm still noting here that I am now on page 26. And even though I am a little offended that Jordan says I should blog, but then proceeds to ignore my blog, (I know he cannot be very busy with law school, so whatever) I am still blogging, as you can see.
This post has already started badly by rambling, but since it is too much effort to rewrite it, and since my mind is mush from reading this book, I will just state here (because Darren said it sounded like I was giving Jordan a hard time for giving me this book for my birthday) that I am in fact very happy to have this book and can feel myself, mushy brain and all, getting smarter every day.
Now I am in section II called "Elementary Principles of Composition". This is the fun stuff. Also, I found I no longer have to look up every term on Wikipedia, because this tiny little book actually has a glossary at the end, where "gerund" and "participle" are defined (and much more simply than Wikipedia, too).
Only 64 pages left. Woo-hoo. And everyone I know is getting this for Christmas. You too, Jordan. Since you do not read my blog anymore, the book will be a surprise.

Thank You for the Birthday Present, Jordan. I Think.

Yes, my birthday was almost three months ago, and no, Jordan did not give me a late birthday gift. He gave this book to me right on my birthday. I opened it a day later, read the introduction, thought, "hmmmmm", and put it down on my nightstand where it sat undisturbed until last Saturday.
Do I, someone who was one of three people in my High School to pass the AP English test, need such a book?
Do I, someone who graduated from college with the degree summa cum laude, need such a book, I ask you?
I was sure Jordan was just being nice, looking for a unique but useful gift. I'm now wondering if he was actually giving me a hint. And when I think about it, it has been 15 or more years since either of the above mentioned events happened. Though I may have been decently smart once, all of a sudden I realize that now I am an idiot.
It's okay, though.
Because this book is going to change all that. Soon you will see posts with commas, and (?) other punctuation marks whose names I cannot think of right now, used perfectly. Though maybe not so soon, after all.
I started reading this 85 page book on Saturday. I am on page 13. This stuff is hard. This is what my mind mostly does while reading this book:

"What?"
"Okay, what did that just say?"
"Crap, doesn't it say here anywhere what a gerund and a verbal participle are?"
"Really, it has to say somewhere here what a gerund and a verbal participle are before it tells me what to do with them."
"Let me read ahead a little."
"Crap."
"I'm going to have to go Google gerund and verbal participle."

(Reading from the internet now):

In linguistics, "gerund" is a term used to refer to various non-finite verb forms in various languages:

• As applied to English, it refers to the usage of a verb (in its -ing form) as a noun (for example, the verb "learning" in the sentence "Learning is an easy process for some"). This is also the term's use as applied to Latin; see Latin conjugation.

In linguistics, a participle (adjective participial, from Latin participium, a calque of Greek μετοχη "partaking") is a derivative of a non-finite verb, which can be used in compound tenses or voices, or as a modifier. Participles often share properties with other parts of speech, in particular adjectives and nouns.

(Side note: I couldn't even find a definition for a VERBAL participle. Are you sure about this book, Jordan?)

(Reading from book again after mind stops stressing from above definitions):

"Crap."
"I'm stupid."
"Hey, I know what a pronoun is!!! Yay! I'm so smart. How could anyone not know this?"
"A subjective pronoun? A prepositional pronoun? A possessive pronoun? An indefinite pronoun?"
"This book is dumb."

Help! I must finish it. It was a birthday present after all.

Maddie's Favorite Song

You thought there would be pictures today, but not so, my friend. I am in mourning for the picture I did not get yesterday, because my camera was at home by the computer. We were outside Maddie's dance class sitting next to the very old Victorian. The lawn was covered with a thick layer of fallen leaves and we were making a pile of them to jump in, when the wind started gently blowing and leaves were softly falling all around us. It was beautiful. But then, the wind turned aggressive and the leaves started smacking us in the face. I did not know that dead leaves are SHARP and can HURT. Beware.

***

Over the weekend I heard Maddie telling her cousin Hanna about her new favorite song: Smooth Criminal by Michael Jackson. You know how it goes (because I know you're all listening to it in your vans, too, over and over and over and over and over):

So, Annie Are You OK?
Are You OK Annie?
You've Been Hit By
You've Been Hit By
A Smooth Criminal

Except for this is what Maddie sang:

So, Annie Are You Walking?
Are You Walking Annie?
You've Been Hit By
You've Been Hit By
A School Bus!

A Real Post on This-Here Blog

This cloudy but warm weather encourages writing. We must not have had this exact kind of weather since last March, since my Photoshop informs me I downloaded pictures dating back to that month. In fact, I just checked my blog, and yep, it has been that long. (I know you said seven months ago, Jordan, but to me that just translates to "sometime before June".)
I was going to make a beautiful and efficient PowerPoint-like presentation of pictures here, but then I remembered that PowerPoint presentations are often boring. I also saw the almost 300 pictures I have to work with, and this post is going to take awhile. (Don't worry, you won't have to look at all 300 pictures. Four or five of them were kind of blurry.)
We won't go into the reasons for my last silly post, but I'm happy to see that my faithful blog readers are out there, checking my blog every day, waiting to see what clever thing I have to say next!
Okay, I realize that no one checks my blog to see what I have to say. They check my blog to see what Jordan has to say about what I have to say. Even Jordan.
See you tomorrow!

So I do have a blog. Huh.

A Nod to St. Patrick's Day

The kids each made a leprechaun puppet and put on a St. Patrick's Day play. There were some very original, and ummm, funny lines, some of which I think I've already forgotten. Or didn't even hear, because we were all laughing so hard. But here are a few:

"Our house was blown to tiny grass stains."
"My stick leg came off and I can't dance."
"It's my turn--get out--I thought you couldn't dance anyway!"
"My hand stick came off and I can't even wave!"
"Shake, shake, shake a ra-la!"
"Who farted?!?"
"It wasn't me!!!"
Laugh.
Hysterical laughing.
"Stop clapping, we're not done yet!"

Yes. They were done.
(Stage and props--including a briefcase and gold paper coins which are not pictured--created by Maddie.)

Once Upon A Time...

Does anyone else feel like the month of January was meant for READING? Everything about this time of year encourages a person to stay under a blanket with a book in front of their face ALL DAY, I believe. Let me tell you about some of the things I've been reading. (Any resemblance to people living is purely coincidental.)

Once upon a time...



There was a girl who loved to ride horses made out of old barrels.



And a boy who loved to teach his little sister how to lasso.



Only, she lassoed all the wrong things.



So they gave that up and went in search of...



still searching...



Searching for the dangerous, brown, lump-like animal known as the Lollobuff and which has only ever been seen from great distances. They were going to attempt to get close to one, pet it on the nose, and then bring it home via the van to study and catalog its elusive but intriguing mannerisms. However, these brown lumps were merely buffalo.



So they continued to search.



And were surprised to find that they were not the first to pass this way...

Continued...

Though unsuccessful in their efforts to study the rare Lollobuff, the children did manage to meet an Indian chief, who awarded the boy with the Arrow of Light for his hard work, and then shook the hands of the boy's ever-assisting sisters.

Continued...

The children went on to even greater success. The boy met the famous, beloved, celebrated, kind, joyful, hungry, thoughtful, hardworking, #1, the best in the country, the undefeated UTAH FOOTBALL team who ALL signed his hat! Yes, even Brian Johnson, Sean Smith, Darrell Mack and Paul Kruger. Awesome!

Continued...

One girl danced very successfully, astounding the audience with her accomplished leaps and twirls.





Her sister joined her temporarily.





Amazing!

Continued...

The youngest girl found her greatest success and happiness in finally, finally baking gingerbread cookies just like Corduroy's. Yum!

Continued...

Then, the children discovered that the rarely-seen but oft-heard-of Lollobuff were said to be residing in an old, pioneer-like village to the south-east. They traveled there with their grandparents with hope in their hearts...



and a sparkle in their eyes...





only to find that the rumors were not true. However, they had a bittersweet moment in realizing that though the Lollobuff had evaded them once again, they had, in fact, found Santa's reindeer!



They vowed to never stop searching.



Wait! Here is the magical lamp post from a famous and true story. They knew if they walked past this snowy and lonely lamp post, good things would surely follow.

And good things did follow!

They celebrated by making cookies...



"Here, child, you do not have a thick enough layer of sprinkles on that cookie yet. Let me help you make a bigger mess," said the uncle.



No! Don't eat ALL the peppermint bark! I know you are happy, but really!





It's all fun and games until someone eats so much they look like this at the night's end.

And they lived...

happily ever after,



making gingerbread houses, and



"Suuurrrree, I'd be happy to..."



"be the donkey in the play."





Yes, that's right, the girl had one final, great success: directing and acting in her own play!

The End.