the following is coloured in white for a reason. if you feel assured that you wont be affected after reading the following text, feel free to highlight and read. if you think it might, facebook-ing might work for you instead. be mature enough to make a decision. and be mature enough to accept whatever outcome.

whee. it doesnt even change abit. we quarrel over the littlest things. i try to tell you nicely, you insist that you're nothing but right, i insist that you should try to look from my view, you ignore and only see it your way, i give up, you apologise.

too late.

that's how it always is. and how it always will be.

if only you skipped the in between and stop saying totally irritation-inducing stuff like, oh the world doesnt know me or how i am. oh, no one understands me. oh, that's what you think. i'm hinting that you're wrong, but i dont tell you that you are wrong, but i wont tell you the truth either because i wanna piss you off.

and then, there's more. like, oh, when we quarrel, i didnt say you're wrong. but we are quarreling, someone's at fault, and i'm not wrong. but, i still didnt say you're at fault. so if you ever think that i put the blame on you, i can say, i didnt say that.

i really wonder. if you can insist on yourself so well, why cant you even make ANY freaking simple decisions? simple ones. yes or no? if you could think of yourself as such a complex creature that nobody actually understands you well, then what's a minor decision? you're talented in argueing and putting people off but lack common sense? is that it? cos that's what's coming through.

and please. you're only human. i have only been avoiding this arguement all the while by agreeing with you. you think you're very different? you think just because you like things that arent the norm makes you highly different. wake up for goodness sake. we're all human. you're not as different and as special as you think. what i liken your mentality to is that of a kid, who think that he's special hidden powers or something. as a result, they think they have something different from everyone else. i doubt i'm very far off.

accept it that you're normal. everyone is, with just a little tweaks here and there. you arent really something or someone special that no one will ever understand you. so stop going against the flow. for once. for ever.

and all your reasons/excuses. the one i heard most? because of past bad experience. SHITTIEST excuse of them all. there's no lousier excuse available ever in the entire language system. you're just making a laughing stock out of yourself. past experience? er, hello? get over it? duh. you're no child already. stop crying over spilt milk. accept that some OTHER guy did whatever whatever to you, and REALISE that others wont. if i scolded you a slut because my ex was a slut, would it be fair? no. similarly, your ex threatening you whatever childish rubbish doesnt mean i'll do any of it. if fact, i wont entertain it if it came from you, either.

argh. wth.


its been 3 weeks. imy. sigh.

i still think of you everyday. i just realised i loved you more than i ever did, to anyone. yes, anyone. i'm holding myself strong, i wont falter. i wont fall for you any deeper, i wont hurt you anymore. i'll remind myself that you wont be happy, so i wont ever call you more than once a week. i wont. i must stop myself.

sigh. but i all doesnt matter. anymore.


we'll see how long it'll be. we'll see how long you never needed me, how much you didnt care, how little you bothered, how you never really wanted me.

how long you lied to me.


[eurodancer]

as i clipped my nails, the last of you dropped off.

remember me as the one who really gave you myself, even when circumstances never allowed. remember that,, remember me, when your circumstance to come wont allow you to even share yourself.

i'll prove to myself. prove that like all the others, i'll be able to detatch and walk away, close that door thats been ajar for so long and walk out, locking away what's not meant.

the older we are, the bigger things get, the more we grow.

i can do it. i believe so. i must.

[eurodancer]


hello. welcome back(:

it's been some time, with work and all. so i cant really, or rather dont really, have the energy to do so after work. work's pretty good, i mean. i could have gotten far worse situatins. but yup. pleasantly pleased with work(:

sigh. back to the usual depressing topic of never-to-be-found happiness that we all seek for opening statement for today, i can officially say, i've never loved someone that much before. yes, it's finally true. ive never felt such loss and such confusement in my life. even bestie bimbo is amazed with everything. i mean, i'm hesitating to call you, because i dont wanna argue. and why so. its not because i'll get pissed and all. its not because i wont be able to sleep at night. its not because i'll feel angsty all inside. i actually am shopping myself because i dont want you to be sad and frustrated, even a bit. wow. i never expected this from me.

you're beautiful, it's true. okay, random. song lyrics. haha

anyways, mind and heart. these two. why cant they freaking work together. my mind is sensible. it plans for the future, it prevents shits, it takens wise measures and calculations to create a happier path of life. happier? actually, maybe not. is the prevention of horrible things actually happy? it's nice, its good, but does it actually make one happy? i wonder.

my heart, on the other hand, looks for happiness. it's do or die, give OR take. there's no give and take. it seeks memorable times, times where you would look back a century later and still crack that warm smile within because its your glow. it doesnt settle for being in a mediocre state, where you are neither happy nor sad. that's nothing, that's in between, that's i dont know what it is. seems all bright and good right? no. the down side is that, it never really considers the all important, what if it doesnt go according to plan? and damnit. shit happens, we all know.

this crossfire and balance which we have to strike to lead a happy yet having the least depressing times is just like threading on thin ice, balancing on a high rope. we'll try forever to find that equilibrum, left heavy or weighing your weight a little forward. we think, we try. we fail, and we try again. all you have to do is to never give up, but even the sun's energy burns out, so. can we humans who merely survive on the tick and tock of a muscle chamber beat all odds and live through it all?

i'm still thinking of you, even every second. what you did yesterday, when did you go home? or did you? whem are you gonna call me out for dinner? you specified the food, but when? or, do you even still remember it? what are you thinking now? have you ever thought of me all these while? have you ever really done some thing for me? i might never know these answers, and i might never need to know them. but, just wondering, have you ever? i will never know.

the last time we ever went out was my brithday. it's been almost 3 months. you know that everyday, i wished i could just meet you. so, have you thought, when i get upset because of all these, behind the anger, how long have i held everything in, while you merely disregarded? i wont ask anything more, or at least, i'll try never to. but. i wonder if you ever would, and what would happen.

i wonder. then again, wondering is pointless. then again, why do i wonder in the first place at all.