25th August

It has been really long since the last time I have seen death hit so close. This time, it happened to a friend.

I always have such people in my life, the kinds you know by name, occasionally say hi/bye to. Our lives run on permanent parallel lines, but when people ask if I know so and so, I would say yeah, I do. You were such a person to me.

But you were also the person who surprised me with your tenderness and sensitivity when I was in one of my dullest periods. That single 2-hour conversation, how you pushed me to make a decision, how you told me all the truths that people around me haven't dared to say because it would break my heart. I might not have known you as well as the word 'friend' would suggest, but in that split second when my life went off-track and barreled into yours, you taught me the value of telling the truth, even when it hurts every single part of my existence. And I think I have thanked you for it, but I will do it once more, thank you.

This reminds me of a blog I read a long time ago, about a lady who was battling Stage 4 cancer. And in regards to the people who told her how much they were going to miss having her around, she told them,

You're only missing one of me. But I am missing ALL of you.

Rest in peace, Isaac.

skin deep

Yes, I am pro-PS. I don't think there is anything wrong in wanting to change how you want to look and as long as you don't lie about it (but neither do you have to be open about it), you are fine, you get to keep your values and also earn some confidence. Just...don't be a scum bag when you are already gorgeous with the feature(s) I want, and yet you still choose to alter it. If there are 18 levels of superficiality like in hell, then you are in the 19th level. Very thin line right there, because everyone has different perceptions of beauty. But lets say, ahem, you've already almost won a beauty contest, but you choose to go for it all the same, then 20th level.

Secondly, if you have it, you won't understand it, therefore you cannot judge. I think I have blogged about this quite some time ago, but you are obviously, evidently, quite happy with yourself at some high levels that I am not at if you are against PS. It varies, others do it for values, some for beliefs. However, because you do not NOT have it, you will never understand the pains of not having it. Don't be self-righteous. Don't preach. Don't tell me what is right/wrong because there isn't any black/white here.  It's a mass of grey so don't turn it into something it isn't.

The world is, on the whole, unfair. But on some levels, I am able to make peace with myself. And I will.

Something touched a raw nerve tonight, I guess. I think it was the beauty queen's instagram. Or blog. Or whichever. 

Loss (Not really)

Today I wanna write about loss.

No, nothing dramatic is happening in my life, but just a while ago at 0130h, I found something that I have been looking around on/off/occasionally for the past x years. And at that moment as I stared at what I have been searching/googling for, I sincerely felt the sense of loss in my life, 5 years late, but yes, I feel it.
And I feel it even more so for the person who lost it. AND some more on top of that because the person is aware of what he/she had lost.

As I read through revelations and moments of what I have been looking for, I asked myself a few questions, which then turned into a train of thoughts. How do I know what I need in my life right now, would still be relevant in years to come? How come some people get the hang of it so fast, and how come there are late bloomers who just blindly walk into walls year after year after year. Does it mean it is better to be the latter because you will know what it means to HAVE, rather than just observe. But what is the point of running into dead ends when you can walk right into where everyone wants to end up to be? So does it mean I lose my ability to treasure what I have in my life as compared to someone who is going to take years and even more tears?

Right now in my life, I am assured and have been reassured that I have made the best choice despite taking an abnormal amount of time to decide. I am not apologetic for it because things might be different if I made a different decision at the same period in time. Okay, too many recurring words.

So the point is, this post isn't really about loss, just the first paragraph, and then it evolves into my insecurities that so often hides themselves so carefully between the moments of happiness I feel.



I recognise I do have abundance in my life at the moment, and I pray for the moments to come too, and thank God for His favour in my life, really superabounding everywhere I can set my eyes upon, and even more in places I dare not look at.

Goodnight, this post is a disaster but I really could care less tonight. Meh heh heh ^^