In 14 hours, I will be sat in a seminar room somewhere in SOB listening to my MPW prof. I will be a sophomore, and my first summer as a uni student will be over. So here I am to wrap up the summer and release the mental/ emotional baggage so I can start the year on a fresh slate.
The past 4+ months have been an incredible break that truth be told, I didn't really know I needed. I think, to a certain extent, I've grown this summer. I've made peace with, a lot of things that kept dragging me down the past year. The things that made me question my decisions, doubt God's grace, struggle with the way I am. Well maybe made peace is a bit of a stretch, but I'm getting there, I think. I hope.
So, the past four months. According to my calendar, this is how my summer went, starting April 15.
Potatepotatepotate > workworkworkwork > AIP > Japan > Ekklesia Camp > Korea > Aspi.
With other exciting things here and there, like watching Les Miserables/ day tripping to JB/ watching R&J etc etc etc.
I guess my highlights of Summer were Japan and Korea. I dayre-d pretty extensively in Japan and a little in Korea (dayre.me/deborahhee bc i am creative w usernames like that) so all that is there BUT I guess what I really wanna say is that this summer brought me back to how much I love travelling. Japan and Korea were really nice in the sense that they had such rich culture compared to the other cities I've visited in recent years. Different, too, from the other countries I've visited. The food was also A+ as always and SIGH i really wanna go back.
Korea was special because it was the first of hopefully many solo trips. Granted, I wasn't alone most of the time (yay Emily) but the feeling of independence and being free to wander around is something I'd like to experience over and over again. #1 regret is not doing a vlog thing despite knowing it probably wouldn't be all that impressive hahaha. I guess the 2033819901 photos will have to suffice. It felt very specially like ~my own~.
I also blew many many dollars in Japan and Korea on food and cosmetics, among other things, but well. This summer was also special because I paid for most of (all?) my expenses, which, however broke I am now, makes me feel very adult and in control of my life HAHA. I get very excited thinking about which cities I can feasibly travel to on my own in the future now, but not so excited thinking about how much I have to work/ save to make these daydreams a reality.
Over summer, I also got hooked to Korean dramas HAHAHA. After 19 years of existence not having watched any, I think I cleared a good 6 or 7 dramas. I finally get the appeal!!!! Not sure why this is significant but I thought it might be worth mentioning.
Right so. Ugh I am so rusty with blogging.
Bottomline is, year 2 starts tomorrow, back to working my ass off (or pretending to) and hopefully doing well, and in more than just academics this time round. All glory to God for everything the past year and whatever may come in the next few months :')
Sunday, August 14, 2016
Friday, May 06, 2016
extraordinary means
Life update, I am 9719371298 levels of done with Y1 of uni. It scares me a bit how fast the year flew past, but I guess that happens when the semester is just 3 + months.
Life update, I've spent my free time since finals being pretty useless -- watching dramas (yep I finally fell down that hole), reading, working out (a couple of times, I am still a potato), catching up with friends etc etc etc. I'm supposed to be working this month, but I'm too lazy to find a job. Which is 70% of why I'm even blogging -- procrastinating extends waaaay past school work.
Life update, I've booked my tickets to Korea yAY. Travelling solo is something I've always wanted to do, even though I've always pictured myself doing so in a quaint European town or some beautiful mountain village. But Seoul, Seoul is good too. Now I've just got to figure out where I'm going to find the monies lel. I've been pretty terrible with managing my finances this year, but I'll be pretty broke once I'm done with my summer travels so I suppose that will be a good place to start.
Life update, I have fallen down the drama blackhole. I don't know why it has taken me so many years, but then again, it's probably for the best (goodness knows the American shows I binge take up enough time). It's strange being able to contribute to conversations about dramas/ Korean or Taiwanese actors instead of smiling and nodding politely as always.
In other news, I got my results back today. I've been the same way every year, every examination, for as long as I can remember -- I get ridiculously nervous before getting my results, then I pray and try to convince myself that God is in control and that I must find it in me to praise and give thanks regardless of what happens. But the anxiety never stops until I get the final result, then I either feel resigned or incredibly grateful, depending on how it goes. This time, it's the latter, so I'm awash in relief and gratitude, as corny as that sounds. So yeah, that's it for Y1 in SMU, just gotta endure the results day panic 6 more times, if everything goes according to plan.
Like I said, I've been pretty chill since finals ended. It's been a lot of eating good food and spending with friends and feeling vvv blessed to have these people in my life 😌 maybe I'm learning, bit by bit that (1) quality > quantity and (2) to trust God instead of my often-misled gut instinct.
Life update, I've spent my free time since finals being pretty useless -- watching dramas (yep I finally fell down that hole), reading, working out (a couple of times, I am still a potato), catching up with friends etc etc etc. I'm supposed to be working this month, but I'm too lazy to find a job. Which is 70% of why I'm even blogging -- procrastinating extends waaaay past school work.
Life update, I've booked my tickets to Korea yAY. Travelling solo is something I've always wanted to do, even though I've always pictured myself doing so in a quaint European town or some beautiful mountain village. But Seoul, Seoul is good too. Now I've just got to figure out where I'm going to find the monies lel. I've been pretty terrible with managing my finances this year, but I'll be pretty broke once I'm done with my summer travels so I suppose that will be a good place to start.
Life update, I have fallen down the drama blackhole. I don't know why it has taken me so many years, but then again, it's probably for the best (goodness knows the American shows I binge take up enough time). It's strange being able to contribute to conversations about dramas/ Korean or Taiwanese actors instead of smiling and nodding politely as always.
In other news, I got my results back today. I've been the same way every year, every examination, for as long as I can remember -- I get ridiculously nervous before getting my results, then I pray and try to convince myself that God is in control and that I must find it in me to praise and give thanks regardless of what happens. But the anxiety never stops until I get the final result, then I either feel resigned or incredibly grateful, depending on how it goes. This time, it's the latter, so I'm awash in relief and gratitude, as corny as that sounds. So yeah, that's it for Y1 in SMU, just gotta endure the results day panic 6 more times, if everything goes according to plan.
Like I said, I've been pretty chill since finals ended. It's been a lot of eating good food and spending with friends and feeling vvv blessed to have these people in my life 😌 maybe I'm learning, bit by bit that (1) quality > quantity and (2) to trust God instead of my often-misled gut instinct.
Friday, April 08, 2016
I am apparently not stressed enough.
It's one of those things where one thought leads to which another leads to another and suddenly I find myself dwelling on something feeling really trapped. So yes, I am feeling stressed about not feeling stressed. I don't know either.
I mean it could go two ways -- you could say I'm #blessed with a peace of mind and lack of worry (what a nice change), or you could say that I really need to get my shit together before everything blows up in my face and I find myself on the verge of mental breakdown with 12 hours to my final paper/ actually breaking down when I get my grades.
The better question should be why tf I am so concerned about what people think of me, or why I'm comparing my stress level, of all things, against that of my friends. For all the anxiety I deal with, shouldn't this be a nice, refreshing change?
ANYWAY 3 more days to 1. figure out how to do MA, 2. figure out what exactly my econs mod is about and a week to get my blaw shit together.
game on.
I mean it could go two ways -- you could say I'm #blessed with a peace of mind and lack of worry (what a nice change), or you could say that I really need to get my shit together before everything blows up in my face and I find myself on the verge of mental breakdown with 12 hours to my final paper/ actually breaking down when I get my grades.
The better question should be why tf I am so concerned about what people think of me, or why I'm comparing my stress level, of all things, against that of my friends. For all the anxiety I deal with, shouldn't this be a nice, refreshing change?
ANYWAY 3 more days to 1. figure out how to do MA, 2. figure out what exactly my econs mod is about and a week to get my blaw shit together.
game on.
Tuesday, April 05, 2016
whathappenedtoperfect
Not quite sure why I'm blogging b/c I came here to study and don't really have anything to write about but here I am anyway.
Decided not to go to school to study today because yesterday wasn't the best and I figured that it's safer for both myself and society in general for me to be alone when I'm a stress/ PMS-induced emotionally unstable mess. I laid around the whole morning reading a fluffy romance story and watching youtube and scrolling through tumblr before I decided to get the hell up. Then I decided to dress up and do my makeup even though I'm literally not going to see anyone because sometimes I feel better when I look better. And I sure as heck could use some good vibes right now.
I'm so glad they decided to bring CBTL back to the airport, because CBTL will always have a special place in my heart. AND that they put it in such an open area because natural lighting always puts me in a better mood/ makes me more productive. Also there's electricity and wifi that is just slow enough to load messages and spotify but not let me waste my life on youtube. I think I just found my new favourite study spot.
TLDR; was in a shitty mood, did a bunch of things to make myself feel better, now I think I'm ready to start studying. 10 MORE DAAAAAYYYYYS.
Decided not to go to school to study today because yesterday wasn't the best and I figured that it's safer for both myself and society in general for me to be alone when I'm a stress/ PMS-induced emotionally unstable mess. I laid around the whole morning reading a fluffy romance story and watching youtube and scrolling through tumblr before I decided to get the hell up. Then I decided to dress up and do my makeup even though I'm literally not going to see anyone because sometimes I feel better when I look better. And I sure as heck could use some good vibes right now.
I'm so glad they decided to bring CBTL back to the airport, because CBTL will always have a special place in my heart. AND that they put it in such an open area because natural lighting always puts me in a better mood/ makes me more productive. Also there's electricity and wifi that is just slow enough to load messages and spotify but not let me waste my life on youtube. I think I just found my new favourite study spot.
TLDR; was in a shitty mood, did a bunch of things to make myself feel better, now I think I'm ready to start studying. 10 MORE DAAAAAYYYYYS.
Sunday, March 27, 2016
In which I indulge in a cheesefest
This is gonna be a long one, I really have a lot to let out today.
There have been times this year when I've felt so down and lost and overwhelmed with disappointment and helplessness. I've been bitter and pissed off at my circumstances more times than I would like to admit. Tl;dr, it hasn't been a great 3 months, there have been a lot of highs and lows.
But this week, for the first time in months, I've felt so blessed and happy. It's surprising, considering how daunting the week looked from last weekend as I fretted over the presentations and whatnot I had the past week. I'm not usually a fan of narratives, they tend to be long and shallow and pointless, but good weeks should be penned down, together with all the off-tangent thoughts I've been keeping in, so here goes.
Monday
Monday was the scariest, tbh.
For context -- I spent literally half my Sunday finishing up my MA report, and when I woke up we still weren't done yet + I had to complete my analysis. Basically I spent 3 hours in the morning typing at top speed, then cabbed to school to continue typing furiously. We submitted it slightly late, but I was too relieved to care hahahaha.
I had an Econs presentation in the afternoon. This was the first (and I'm sorry, but hopefully last) time I was the only 1) local and 2) female in the group, so it hasn't been easy. We didn't get to rehearse before the presentation as well, so it really could have gone either way. But by God's grace, it went as well as I could have hoped for, something which I am endlessly thankful for. Now that it's over, I can even say that it has been a great experience getting to know these guys from the other side of the world (where I often dream of being). I can also say that that being called 'Boss' by a guy 6 years older and 2 heads taller is v strange but also empowering.
I had elevator pitch at night, and while I stumbled here and there, I'm actually pretty proud of myself for how it went. I got an audience that I was actually semi-prepared for, and the worryingly little research I had done turned out to be sufficient.
So yeah, it was an exhausting Monday but it went so surprisingly well I couldn't even complain.
Tuesday
Aka hell day #2, I had my LTB presentation. I'd actually poured so much time into the presentation slides so I was really proud of them hehe. We met in the morning to rehearse (for the first time, again) and make some last minute edits, and the presentation went pretty well. We were the last group to present, which was nerve-wracking af but it worked to our advantage yey.
I actually really liked this project, because my group mates are great and the guy we had to interview is one special snowflake who made our analysis a lot easier and the whole project a lot more interesting to work on. So yeah, presentation was fine, and I was so beyond relieved that the 3 giants were behind me.
Headed to the gym after that, bc apparently being mentally tired wasn't enough, then had dinner and went to teach tuition. Yeah, it was a bloody long day HAHAHA.
Wednesday
My birthday :D I was so thankful that hell stayed on Monday and Tuesday and the toxicity didn't leak into Wednesday lel.
Had a morning class, which is arguably not the best start to a birthday but welllLLLL. Then I met Mummy for ***KBBQ***, which was extremely satisfying bc I'd been craving it for a month before that hahaha. Then Emily came to meet me (much 感动z hello Em are you reading this 🌚), then I headed to teach a class. The number of 'then's in this paragraph hurts me on an emotional level, this is why I hate narratives.
Spent dinner with my LG, which is something I honestly wouldn't have expected 6 months ago. I'm still adjusting to this new church, still getting settled in into this group of people, but I'm honestly glad that I'm here. Church hasn't been an easy thing for me, so it's nice leaving all that shit in the past where it belongs. Dinner was confusing, because I realised that the way people see me isn't how I see myself at all. Or they were just being nice, and they all secretly hate me, who knows LEL.
Anyway, it was a great birthday, I felt really loved and full of love :')
Thursday
Thursday was another jam-packed day. Spent my morning in school with my MA group preparing for our presentation. I really like my MA group as well, it's a great mix of people and a lot of fun. Shoutout @ Amanda which she will probz never see for putting up with me for all this time, it was nice being in a project group together again hahaha.
Then I headed to my CSP which is teaching kids at NVSS. I've only been doing it for a couple of months, but I'm really happy doing it. I was honestly really upset that I wasn't doing an OCSP, but I'm happy where God placed me. These kids come from such a different background and teaching them is actually a lot more fun and fulfilling than I ever expected.
Had dinner with the famz at Platypus after that b/c LOBSTER ROLLS (heart eyes heart eyes) and it was all fun and good.
Another exciting thing that happened on Thursday -- my Dan & Phil book came :D Complete unabashed fangirl moment but these are probably my favourite youtubers and I don't know why it took me months to decide to buy the book but I'm glad I finally did.
Friday
Friday morning was unsatisfying because I had to cancel my hair appointment for my MA meeting *sigh* Headed to the Waterboat House starbucks after that to get some work done with the NUSMU humans, another bunch of friends I am endlessly thankful for (浪漫~~). Thennnnnn went down to Orchard to meet Marilyn, Yufei and Singmei for dinner, which was a blast as always. Japan Japan Japan our trip cannot come fast enough hehe :)
Saturday
Ah, I'm finally at yesterday. Had class + MA presentation in the morning. It was probably the most fun presentation I've had thus far, and it went pretty well imo. More importantly, I'M DOOOOOOONNNNNEEEEEEEE with my presentations for this semester whoooooooooo.
Met Emily (hello again Em) for lunch + Easter service + waffles. The Easter service was about hope and it was really thought-provoking, which is something evangelistic services usually aren't to me.
FINALLY, I had dinner at PasarBella at MBS with the girls (what are we even called? Nokia? Z-formation? Line of emojis?). Needless to say it was a great time as always and okayiamsodonewiththisnarrativethingjustletmelive.
----------
Which brings me to today, Sunday morning, where I've just spent almost two hours rehashing my week in unnecessary detail. It was worth it though, cos I have no doubt the time will come when I'll need reminding that good weeks still exist and God is still good.
I'm done with all my presentations and submissions (other than an LTB report) now so it's just finalsfinalsfinals which I have no motivation to study for just yet. So this is me taking the day off to recover from a mentally, physically and socially exhausting week. It has literally been early mornings every freaking day since last weekend, and this is a life I am not accustomed to. Also, so many meetings with friends. There are a lot of times I worry about how few close friends I have in SMU, but weeks like this make me appreciate that I'm really not as worse off as I let myself believe.
I'm so excited for Summer -- I'm going to spend May working, and June + early July travelling. I'm planning to finally make a solo trip, which is something that has been on my bucket list for the longest time now so A+++ for excitement hehe. JUST GOTTA GET PAST THE NEXT 3 WEEKS.
Okay done with the mental word vomit now, time to go take a nap or start planning my trips or spend a few hours on youtube now. What finals?
There have been times this year when I've felt so down and lost and overwhelmed with disappointment and helplessness. I've been bitter and pissed off at my circumstances more times than I would like to admit. Tl;dr, it hasn't been a great 3 months, there have been a lot of highs and lows.
But this week, for the first time in months, I've felt so blessed and happy. It's surprising, considering how daunting the week looked from last weekend as I fretted over the presentations and whatnot I had the past week. I'm not usually a fan of narratives, they tend to be long and shallow and pointless, but good weeks should be penned down, together with all the off-tangent thoughts I've been keeping in, so here goes.
Monday
Monday was the scariest, tbh.
For context -- I spent literally half my Sunday finishing up my MA report, and when I woke up we still weren't done yet + I had to complete my analysis. Basically I spent 3 hours in the morning typing at top speed, then cabbed to school to continue typing furiously. We submitted it slightly late, but I was too relieved to care hahahaha.
I had an Econs presentation in the afternoon. This was the first (and I'm sorry, but hopefully last) time I was the only 1) local and 2) female in the group, so it hasn't been easy. We didn't get to rehearse before the presentation as well, so it really could have gone either way. But by God's grace, it went as well as I could have hoped for, something which I am endlessly thankful for. Now that it's over, I can even say that it has been a great experience getting to know these guys from the other side of the world (where I often dream of being). I can also say that that being called 'Boss' by a guy 6 years older and 2 heads taller is v strange but also empowering.
I had elevator pitch at night, and while I stumbled here and there, I'm actually pretty proud of myself for how it went. I got an audience that I was actually semi-prepared for, and the worryingly little research I had done turned out to be sufficient.
So yeah, it was an exhausting Monday but it went so surprisingly well I couldn't even complain.
Tuesday
Aka hell day #2, I had my LTB presentation. I'd actually poured so much time into the presentation slides so I was really proud of them hehe. We met in the morning to rehearse (for the first time, again) and make some last minute edits, and the presentation went pretty well. We were the last group to present, which was nerve-wracking af but it worked to our advantage yey.
I actually really liked this project, because my group mates are great and the guy we had to interview is one special snowflake who made our analysis a lot easier and the whole project a lot more interesting to work on. So yeah, presentation was fine, and I was so beyond relieved that the 3 giants were behind me.
Headed to the gym after that, bc apparently being mentally tired wasn't enough, then had dinner and went to teach tuition. Yeah, it was a bloody long day HAHAHA.
Wednesday
My birthday :D I was so thankful that hell stayed on Monday and Tuesday and the toxicity didn't leak into Wednesday lel.
Had a morning class, which is arguably not the best start to a birthday but welllLLLL. Then I met Mummy for ***KBBQ***, which was extremely satisfying bc I'd been craving it for a month before that hahaha. Then Emily came to meet me (much 感动z hello Em are you reading this 🌚), then I headed to teach a class. The number of 'then's in this paragraph hurts me on an emotional level, this is why I hate narratives.
Spent dinner with my LG, which is something I honestly wouldn't have expected 6 months ago. I'm still adjusting to this new church, still getting settled in into this group of people, but I'm honestly glad that I'm here. Church hasn't been an easy thing for me, so it's nice leaving all that shit in the past where it belongs. Dinner was confusing, because I realised that the way people see me isn't how I see myself at all. Or they were just being nice, and they all secretly hate me, who knows LEL.
Anyway, it was a great birthday, I felt really loved and full of love :')
Thursday
Thursday was another jam-packed day. Spent my morning in school with my MA group preparing for our presentation. I really like my MA group as well, it's a great mix of people and a lot of fun. Shoutout @ Amanda which she will probz never see for putting up with me for all this time, it was nice being in a project group together again hahaha.
Then I headed to my CSP which is teaching kids at NVSS. I've only been doing it for a couple of months, but I'm really happy doing it. I was honestly really upset that I wasn't doing an OCSP, but I'm happy where God placed me. These kids come from such a different background and teaching them is actually a lot more fun and fulfilling than I ever expected.
Had dinner with the famz at Platypus after that b/c LOBSTER ROLLS (heart eyes heart eyes) and it was all fun and good.
Okay def going off-tangent here but this has been in my head for a few days now. My family is pretty freaking awesome. Not in the conventional way, but I have parents who love me and a sister who is probably the kindest, best person I know. I don't actively lie about my family, but at the same time I don't go around advertising the way things are at home. And when people do find out, it frustrates me to no end when they give sympathetic eyes and ask questions, expecting me to pour out some tragic tale that really doesn't exist. Then I get the "oh it's okay if you don't want to share" line but there really isn't anything to share? I'm sorry my circumstances don't fit into your concept of misfortune from a less-than-whole family? I know I sound defensive and shit, and maybe I am, and on some level I know this all stems from someone else not knowing how to respond but oh dear me it is exhausting and quite frankly, annoying. Right, back to the gr9 week.
Another exciting thing that happened on Thursday -- my Dan & Phil book came :D Complete unabashed fangirl moment but these are probably my favourite youtubers and I don't know why it took me months to decide to buy the book but I'm glad I finally did.
Friday
Friday morning was unsatisfying because I had to cancel my hair appointment for my MA meeting *sigh* Headed to the Waterboat House starbucks after that to get some work done with the NUSMU humans, another bunch of friends I am endlessly thankful for (浪漫~~). Thennnnnn went down to Orchard to meet Marilyn, Yufei and Singmei for dinner, which was a blast as always. Japan Japan Japan our trip cannot come fast enough hehe :)
Saturday
Ah, I'm finally at yesterday. Had class + MA presentation in the morning. It was probably the most fun presentation I've had thus far, and it went pretty well imo. More importantly, I'M DOOOOOOONNNNNEEEEEEEE with my presentations for this semester whoooooooooo.
Met Emily (hello again Em) for lunch + Easter service + waffles. The Easter service was about hope and it was really thought-provoking, which is something evangelistic services usually aren't to me.
FINALLY, I had dinner at PasarBella at MBS with the girls (what are we even called? Nokia? Z-formation? Line of emojis?). Needless to say it was a great time as always and okayiamsodonewiththisnarrativethingjustletmelive.
----------
Which brings me to today, Sunday morning, where I've just spent almost two hours rehashing my week in unnecessary detail. It was worth it though, cos I have no doubt the time will come when I'll need reminding that good weeks still exist and God is still good.
I'm done with all my presentations and submissions (other than an LTB report) now so it's just finalsfinalsfinals which I have no motivation to study for just yet. So this is me taking the day off to recover from a mentally, physically and socially exhausting week. It has literally been early mornings every freaking day since last weekend, and this is a life I am not accustomed to. Also, so many meetings with friends. There are a lot of times I worry about how few close friends I have in SMU, but weeks like this make me appreciate that I'm really not as worse off as I let myself believe.
I'm so excited for Summer -- I'm going to spend May working, and June + early July travelling. I'm planning to finally make a solo trip, which is something that has been on my bucket list for the longest time now so A+++ for excitement hehe. JUST GOTTA GET PAST THE NEXT 3 WEEKS.
Okay done with the mental word vomit now, time to go take a nap or start planning my trips or spend a few hours on youtube now. What finals?
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
our lives are made, in these small hours, these little wonders
Well well, it's been ages.
I haven't posted anything in forever since my thoughts have been channeled to either Dayre or typed out under password protect or written in my journal. I don't know why it's all so scattered, maybe I should stick to one site. But I'm here because I'm feeling v sentimental and I guess this is the place where one day (even now actually) I will look back and remember the milestones in my life.
Anyway. It just hit me that I'm literally in the last 30+ minutes of teenagehood. The 8 years I spent my childhood anticipating, and now they're almost gone. Whoa.
One of the perks of having kept (very intermittently) a blog for 9 years and counting is that I get to look back on the past and ~reflect~ on how much I've grown and how far I've come. So I did the only logical thing and went to my archives for March 2009 and well, posted on the 24th,
Firstly, holyshitcringeattack the smileys and rawrr and zzzz.
Secondly, damn my life is so different. (Almost) entirely different friends, completely different family, different church, an entire CCA journey and then some. A lot of fangirling and moving from one band/actor/singer/youtuber to the next, and far too many hours spent watching shows. My dream of being a vet became a dream of being a lawyer, then to wherever I'm headed now. I let too many bridges burn and disintegrate, but I'm glad I've kept the most important friendships close to my heart *awwwwww*
I'd like to think that 13 year old Deborah would be proud of where I am now. She was a lot more idealistic, she hadn't dealt with the lot of shit 14-16 y o Deborah did, or the stress that Senior High Deborah learned to cope with. Right, I will stop writing in third person now, it feels awkward af. Point is, sometimes I wish I were 13 again, when I still had the luxury of making mountains out of molehills. But 13 year old Deborah also hadn't found things she was passionate about, or been on the adventures I've been on since.
I wonder where I'll be as I exit my 20s. Hopefully with a successful career. Dear goodness, I might even be married or (gasp) have children. That's scary.
The greatest thing I've learned over the rollercoaster that was my teenage hood is probably that God works in really, really mysterious ways and most of the time, it isn't apparent until I look back on the crazy coincidences and think about how nicely things lined up. So here's to putting the next phase of my life in God's hands, and trusting that I'll make it through the ups and downs by His grace.
I don't actually know what I'm expecting to happen at midnight, which is in 5 minutes as of now. My mum is excited because she thinks my teenage angst will magically disappear. Haaaa not likely. I'm secretly hoping that life will make a bit more sense. The rational part of me says that I will simply be another second older and life will carry on. It's probably right.
I haven't posted anything in forever since my thoughts have been channeled to either Dayre or typed out under password protect or written in my journal. I don't know why it's all so scattered, maybe I should stick to one site. But I'm here because I'm feeling v sentimental and I guess this is the place where one day (even now actually) I will look back and remember the milestones in my life.
Anyway. It just hit me that I'm literally in the last 30+ minutes of teenagehood. The 8 years I spent my childhood anticipating, and now they're almost gone. Whoa.
One of the perks of having kept (very intermittently) a blog for 9 years and counting is that I get to look back on the past and ~reflect~ on how much I've grown and how far I've come. So I did the only logical thing and went to my archives for March 2009 and well, posted on the 24th,
rawrr
its over,
im thirteen:D
ty EVERYONE for wishes/cards/pressies
i had a wonderful bday(:
im lazy to upload pics,
theyre on fb
:D
kk whatever
super tired
i skipped tuition tdy
cos i was so bloody seepy
sat go with chelsea:D
muahaha
kk
i shall steal quizzes from fb
bathe,
then go to sleep.
zzzzzzz.
thisone looks fun 0.0
Firstly, holyshitcringeattack the smileys and rawrr and zzzz.
Secondly, damn my life is so different. (Almost) entirely different friends, completely different family, different church, an entire CCA journey and then some. A lot of fangirling and moving from one band/actor/singer/youtuber to the next, and far too many hours spent watching shows. My dream of being a vet became a dream of being a lawyer, then to wherever I'm headed now. I let too many bridges burn and disintegrate, but I'm glad I've kept the most important friendships close to my heart *awwwwww*
I'd like to think that 13 year old Deborah would be proud of where I am now. She was a lot more idealistic, she hadn't dealt with the lot of shit 14-16 y o Deborah did, or the stress that Senior High Deborah learned to cope with. Right, I will stop writing in third person now, it feels awkward af. Point is, sometimes I wish I were 13 again, when I still had the luxury of making mountains out of molehills. But 13 year old Deborah also hadn't found things she was passionate about, or been on the adventures I've been on since.
I wonder where I'll be as I exit my 20s. Hopefully with a successful career. Dear goodness, I might even be married or (gasp) have children. That's scary.
The greatest thing I've learned over the rollercoaster that was my teenage hood is probably that God works in really, really mysterious ways and most of the time, it isn't apparent until I look back on the crazy coincidences and think about how nicely things lined up. So here's to putting the next phase of my life in God's hands, and trusting that I'll make it through the ups and downs by His grace.
I don't actually know what I'm expecting to happen at midnight, which is in 5 minutes as of now. My mum is excited because she thinks my teenage angst will magically disappear. Haaaa not likely. I'm secretly hoping that life will make a bit more sense. The rational part of me says that I will simply be another second older and life will carry on. It's probably right.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)