Ambition and strong coffee

So, it's the 31st. The last couple of hours of 2014, and like the no life I am, I'm seated on the sofa, sipping wine (albeit from a donald duck glass), cringing at the countdown on tv, and feeling pensive. Kind of how all 31sts go, minus the wine. Except for 2013, I was on a plane that had just landed. Anyway.

Looking back, on 2014, all I can think is how it was a spectacularly unspectacular year. It was decent, just nothing I ever want to live through again. Not A Levels, not CCA stuff, just, no. It feels like the entire year was just hopping from stressing over one thing to another.

It's also the year I accepted that maybe anxiety is a thing I'm going to have to deal with. Like, full blown crying, almost hyperventilating, voices of panic and rationality waging war in my mind, figuring out how to make my eyes look not-puffy and hoping people don't realise. Don't think I've been particularly successful, but I'm thankful to whoever didn't point it out. And the days where I'd go back and forth between a sinking feeling in my gut and feeling okay.

Also, I don't think I've ever gone into a new year with this much uncertainty. Every 31st December, I've known what the days after held - which school, class, subject combination, major examination. Not today. Today, too many question marks loom, and I've never liked this feeling. Maybe it's a test of faith. Maybe not, considering I don't have much of a choice.

Still, this 2015, the one resolution I'm going to put down is this - trust God, through the ups and the downs.. Jesus take the wheel.It's cliche as heck, but really, what else can I do. Maybe I'll pen down more when I feel up to it.

But 2015, here goes.

(i contain) Multitudes

So. I've been working at GIANT as a cashier. Not the kind of glamorous holiday job I was envisioning myself taking up, but hey, it's working out pretty well so far. It all started with an entirely impromptu job search with Yifei after prom last Tuesday, which ended up with us heading down to Tanjong Pagar with bags from prom in tow to sign the contract and bam, employment.

It's actually pretty fun, and I have the option of working until early Jan before my internship (the main reason I accepted the job tbh). The work is fun, and people are nice and everything, which makes wonder if the corporate route (office in CBD, bitchy office politics, late nights, drinks after work, etc etc) that I've set my mind on for as long as I can remember is overrated. Guess I'll know after the internship.

Anyway. I think what I like most about the job is the fact that I get to observe people. Yes, I mutter to myself /ugh humans/ a lot on a daily basis, but I do enjoy observing (as opposed to interacting). From behind the counter, I get to imagine (probably highly inaccurate) background stories about random customers. I daydream. A lot. See how people of different age groups behave. For instance - people over 40 tend to be a lot friendlier, outspoken. They will strike up conversation, ask questions about promotions (yes auntie tendencies strong). On the flipside, they are also the ones who demand 10 cent refunds and request excessive double bagging. The 20/30 somethings usually just stare into blank space or use their phones, and they don't check their receipts (not that I'm complaining). Families tend to pay by NETS. Some kids are actually kind of cute. Some are annoying as heck. Old people like fruits. Some people treat service staff like scum. Etc etc etc. It's fun, mostly.

Still, I am so over 2014. My calendar is packed from now until we return from Europe in late Feb- work -> internship -> holiday with like 1-2 days inbetween. My post-As life was supposed to be so much more than this though. So much for pilates, baking, learning French, potating reading books and watching shows hahahaha I totally should have seen this coming

You.
You're so selfless it's selfish to the rest of us. You're too task oriented, you forget people. The people you hurt in the process of wanting to help others.

You.
You weigh others down with your anxious nature, the need to be on top of everything, in advance, all the time. I know this, because I got it from you, and it hits hard.

Me.
I'm just tired of being torn between -- all I wanted was a nice, relaxing vacation, that's all I've been looking forward to the past few months, it's a large part of what got me through As.

Why can't I just be enough for you, though.
Why do I still inevitably get roped into your drama, your issues, even when I'm trying my hardest to do what I should, because I know you need a pillar, and that's all I can be for you.
still. not. enough.

Such better days tomorrow holds

Tomorrow, tomorrow.

Before this week, I laughingly told my friends that I wasn't going to spend the entire week studying just for math, H3 or not. "I'd go crazy," I said. Welllllllllllll, I kept to that, but I still feel incredibly on edge. My brain is fried from alternating between processing strange amalgamations of letters and symbols and binge watching tv shows.

Tomorrow.

Then it's preparing for prom (Step 1- How To Be A Girl Who Does Girly Things And Such), planning our Europe trip (:D), figuring out university/ scholarship apps (:/), baking, cooking, reading, more tv shows, more movies, a  lot of sleeping, etcetc.

I CAN'T WAIT.

(almost) Over

I FEEL SO LIBERATED THIS IS GREAT.
It's not over, there's still that H3 paper looming, but it's good enough.

Almost there.

I've always dislike the concept of 'almost', probably because I'm all too familiar with it.

But not this time, I'm almost through with As. Finished Chem Paper 3 today, so I'm left with MCQs and H3 the following week, but heck, it feels good enough. It's comforting knowing the worst is over, especially this week, with the chemeconschem trifecta. All in God's hands now, then.

Watched Love, Rosie after the paper today, then came home to binge watch How To Get Away With Murder. Basically a prelude to what my life will be in 12 days.

Exciting times await.

fight to the finish

That's your story, they said. 
I took their word for it, because it was easier to simplify everything I'd been through and the person I'd become, and compress it into this two and a half-dimensional tale just short of a happily ever after.
Now I'm hoping that story will be enough.
-

Well, week 1 of As down. In one month, prom will be over, the world will be my oyster, hopefully my insides won't be filled with dread.

God > As

I've done enough stress crying over the past 24 hours to last me for the rest of the year, hopefully.

/I can't do this on my own/

Hurtling

“Yet hope returns when I remember this one thing: The Lord’s unfailing love and mercy still continue, fresh as the morning, as sure as the sunrise. The Lord is all I have, and so in him I put my hope.”

—	Lamentations 3:21-24

I've got to admit - I'd like to believe that I know the Bible pretty well. Not quote/ reference specific verses/ know the historical context of each event kind of well, but well enough to see most verses and go "oh hey, I've read that before". But here's a verse I entirely don't remember having read, and it came at a time I really needed it, or rather, needed God.

So this time next month, I'll be studying H3 Math. Which is on the 1st of December, 1 month and 2 days away. Then I'll be freeeeeeee.

But this time on Monday (it's Thursday now), I'll have just completed Paper 1 of GP, they'll probably just have collected the scripts, but point is, A Levels will have started. The distant trial looming over my head for the past 6 years and it's here, ready or not.

Things to remember.

- This is not my fight

- I am not a lone soldier

- God will go before me

- It's in God's hands

- However I do, I'll be okay.

Dear God, sometimes it gets a bit (or a lot) much and I find myself literally gasping for air as the nerves overtake me and my stomach twists into knots and my heart starts pounding and my legs feel weak. Take this fear, this anxiety away, please. Help me have faith in Your plan, and remember that You love me and that no mountain

And as I approach what's probably going to be the toughest part of my life yet, turn the potential stress crying to praise, the worry to faith that You will deliver me once again.

And I pray I'll emerge victorious, in Your name and by Your strength and grace.

I find myself becoming increasingly anxious these day, somewhere along the way, having my gut twisted up into knots over the most minuscule things became the norm. I've lost count of the number of times recently where I've wished I could just slink away to a quiet stairwell and cry until my eyes get dry, and maybe, my heart lighter. This is my concession for myself today - I left the classroom for the swing I'm sitting on now to work my emotions out. I'm a mess.

Take today for instance - my teacher sent me a message asking me about if/ why I indicated my interest in SUTD (since design/ tech really isn't my thing) and for the 6+ hours since then, I've been mulling over my response (saying huh really oh I'm not that interested -emoji-). "Maybe I shouldn't have sounded so flippant. "Gosh I bet he hates me." "Damn it why can't I be better at this." The more rational part of me realises that it's probably long forgotten, but nope, I can't turn the incessant worrying. Last week, when I asked said teacher about scholarships and stuff, I left feeling smaller than I had in a long time.Thing is, I know that (probably) wasn't his intention, he was being honest, which was what I needed, and I was being a nervous, fickle wreck. I t

I should stop overthinking how people view me.

Then I think about grades and this whole shitstorm dawns over me. Which is, I suppose, pretty uncalled for. I get on my friends' nerves with this, I'm pretty sure. Hell, I get pissed off with myself.

I should stop doubting.

Now, I'm dealing with writing my personal statement for applications and stuff. There are many things I'd like to be. More extroverted, more eloquent, put together, less whiny, less emotional, anxious. More aware of the world. I wish I had done more in the past to have a more decorated portfolio. And while I'm at it, shallow things like richer, prettier. I'm trying to reconcile the person I know I am, strengths and flaws, with the person I wish I was, and the person I'd imagine whoever's going to review my application would want to accept. And now all I have is snippets of what may/may not end up a personal statement.

毕业咯

(Well I started this yesterday night on the way home but was too tired to complete it, but I guess I should just carry on while the feelings are still raw )

So as of today, I am an official dhs graduate, the proud owner of a pretty gold badge. It was a day filled with feelings and reminiscing all the memories accumulated over the past six years. The past week, I kept thinking about how I genuinely didn't know how to feel about graduating. It's a bittersweet mix of relief, nostalgia, sadness, apprehension, the list goes on. They say that your teenage years transform you, shape the person you become. I'm glad I got to spend the bulk of these formative years here then, in this warm, familiar, nurturing, albeit sheltered environment. I'm thankful for all the friends, close or not, past and present, and all the teachers for all the memories, the friendships, as mushy and cliche as this all sounds.

I'm not all that sociable a person (understatement alert), so I'm immensely thankful that I was placed in communities, where I had the time and opportunity to get to know and appreciate the people around me.
1/2L '0809 - the crazy class I never thought I'd fit into, just because everyone seemed to be an all-rounder (they still do), the sense of humour was just strange as heck, and well, on the first day of school, it was a room entirely filled with strangers. But we've come a long way, it's amazing how even after 6 years we still have things planned and things to talk about :)

3/4J '1011 - okay I honestly don't feel much about this class. But it was a pleasant place to spend two years of my life, even though I wasn't especially close to anyone, I know everyone was just really nice, like excessively so, and I guess I wish I had made more effort keeping the friendships I made there. (meh I literally feel nothing okay next)

GUIDES - Wow so many feelings over here. I was looking through posts from 2009 and I completely forgot how passionate I was about guiding back then. Almost all my posts detailed how I spent the day with guides doing guides things, how I loved the people I was with etcetc. I'll never not be eternally thankful for being placed into P7 Oriole. Most of my fondest memories in guiding come from being with my patrolmates, doing crazy things. Even today, I'm glad our friendship is still growing strong. They (no seriously who is this hypothetical they) say that friends who you can truly be yourself around are one in a million - I know I'm entirely fortunate to have met these people -heartshape emoji- And to the other people in the 43rd batch, I love how all the weirdass experiences in guides have really bonded us in such a unique way, and yesterday when we were taking photos, how the ties never really changed. P10 Swallow was another place I never thought I'd appreciate, just because we got 大风吹ed and I had to leave my incredibly close knit P7 nest and settle somewhere else where everyone was quiet and awkward, but no, I was proven wrong again. Over time, I grew to love the people there - seniors, juniors and of course my 2 batch mates. Being a PL was what I dreamed of for literally the longest time, I remember being so worried that one dumb move, like not doing a proper pumping, would devastate my chances. Then I got the role, by God's grace, and I guess I really had to grow into it in terms of learning to look out for my juniors, (gosh this was the hardest) coming out of my shell to talk to them etcetc. Whoa this is way longer than I expected. Point is, Guides is something I'll never regret, not that I was given a choice in the matter. Putting my heart into Guides, then. Great decision.

Guitar - I really took a leap of faith in joining guitar, and it was entirely a miracle that I got accepted, firstly into guitar, and then into the SYF ensemble. I think I did a reminisce-y post awhile back so I'm not going to go too deep, but Guitar was certainly another CCA I'm happy I joined.

And finally,

5/6C34 '1314 - I couldn't have asked for a better class to spend my final two years in DHS with, really. Yesterday, at dinner, we were going through Y5 whatsapps and stuff, showing Mr Ngiam all the strange jokes and experiences we lived through. I honestly never realised how much fun I had in this class, despite rolling my eyes once too many at times. And the zhabors - it's amazing how we all really get along and always have a great laugh about everything. We always joke about how we're the slacker class that never did anything during free periods in the past, but it was during those times that I really grew to appreciate everyone so much. And my goodness, we were really blessed with the best teachers (one teacher aside, that is). We got all the teachers that other classes thought were fierce and scary (which was true), but they showed themselves to be so committed and knowledgeable and yeah ///appreciation///

-
So, I started reading my blog posts from way back in year one, for old times' sake. I remember deciding to start blogging way back in p5 so that I could look back and relive everything in the future. I guess me 7 years ago, for all my whineyness and immaturity did have some insight. I CRINGED SO HARD O M G. The typing, the words are all so juvenile and ridiculous, but it's amazing how much I've changed in the past 6 years.

http://fireworksflying.blogspot.sg/2009/01/dhs-is-hugeeee-like-major-huge-okay.html  
This was what I blogged on the first day of school. It's funny how I've come full circle, but well, here I am. Thank you Dunman, for having moulded me from that 12 year old preteen mess to the (hahahahah) young woman I am today. I've been through my ups and downs over the past 6 years, and it's been a long, winding road, yet somehow the journey flew by.

Grades-wise, for all the times I've prayed for God to help me improve and to use me as a living testimony of His power, looking back, even though I may not have straight As, I've come a really, really long way from year 1, p5 even. I wasn't supposed to get into DHS, based on my grades leading up to PSLE, but by God's grace, I did. Till today, I don't understand why I got placed in 2L, amongst the insanely gifted, but I was, and some way, somehow, that really pushed me to work harder. Somehow, I went from almost failing math in P2 to getting Bs to taking H3 Math. I'm not boasting or anything (heck, no one should even be reading this why are u stalking me), but that was one miracle I never even noticed.

And here I am, as I run the final stretch, to borrow the overused metaphor.
God, if it is Your will, please help me win this battle, please help me overcome these seemingly insurmountable odds.

One day it's here and then it's gone / how are you still holding on

Finally mustered the courage to talk to Mr Ngiam about scholarships and applications and stuff today. I don't know how I feel now. 

Part of me feels shrivelled up and exhausted thinking about it all, the temptation to give up and settle is so unbelievably large. But I cannot, I will never live down the not knowing what if I had tried. Been there, done that, hated it.

I realise that I know what I want but not why. Maybe it's the idea, rather than the reality I'm so enamoured by. I don't know what will make me special to them, when I can barely convince myself that I'm good enough. Fact is, I'm interested in everything, but not something in specific. I'm doing well, not great. In my head, I am eloquent and analytical, but on the outside, I become a stammering mess. I don't know, I. Dont. Know.

I hate how little faith I have. It's easy to say that I trust God wholeheartedly, that I believe He is above all of this, but translating that from my head to my ever-anxious, stressed up heart is a whole nother thing. This isn't my battle, it's God's, and He'll bring me where He wills. 

Words are easy.  Faith isn't.

I recently decided that by God's grace, 1) anything is possible and therefore 2) the UK dream isn't dead, it merely went to sleep for a bit but now I'm every bit ready to go after it full force.
Haven't quite seen the light at the end of this tunnel, but by faith, I'll soldier on.

Which brings me to my personal statement.
I've always sucked with writing things, because the perfectionist in me looks at every line and says no, it isn't good enough. Applies to any ill-fated attempt with poetry, prose, right down to GP essays. Honestly, after every single essay test, I find myself thinking "that was the worst essay I've ever submitted", even when, going by the grade I get eventually, that is pretty far from the truth.
But really. I don't know how to bring across why I want to study Accountancy & Finance, why UK.

I just do.

I like numbers. I like working with money. I like the working systematically.
I know what I don't want to study (sciences, humanities, social sciences), for a variety of reasons, and this isn't one of those things (it's a limited pool to choose from).
"I want to work in the cbd" has been the one ambition that has endured through the years, even through my phases of wanting to be a vet, a lawyer, a journalist.

UK, I suppose it started from the Lit trip in Year 4, where I saw this building with the words UNIVERSITY OF LONDON and decided that someday, somehow, I'd like to study there.
The unfettered dreams of a 16 year old are both incredible and terrifying.
Then again, not necessarily UK, a quality education anywhere else would make me really happy. I guess at the heart of it, I just really want to experience the world on a bigger scale.

Now, how do I put all that into 1000-4000 characters and 47 lines?

Aim high, don't miss.

Almost, almost done with prelims, just three papers to go -- 2 MCQs and a (much dreaded) H3 paper. This A Levels thing is exhausting, really.

I can't objectively comment on prelims without feeling like I'll jinx the result somehow, but let's just say that it's in God's hands, and I'll be okay, some way, somehow. It's terrifying how quickly time is passing, and how everything's just barreling towards me. (Have I typed that before? It sounds kind of familiar.)

Going overseas has been such a big dream of mine for the longest time, however distant, however seemingly unreachable. I think it began sometime towards the end of Year 2, when we visited my cousins in Melbourne and I got a glimpse of what studying abroad would be like. Then London in Year 4, where I remember looking at a University of London building and telling myself that somehow, I'd get there.

But there are still so many obstacles between where I am and that dream, admittedly I'm closer than I would ever have thought, but still. And I keep putting off looking at applications to colleges, for scholarships because I don't know how I'll deal with the knowledge that this dream that has so consumed me for all these years hinges on these things.

That being said, I'll be okay with studying locally, really, once I get over the crushing disappointment of dashed hopes (dramatic, I know) and stop tormenting myself with all the what if I had worked harder, had done better and questioning God's plan for my life. But I know I'm blessed, living in Singapore where there are great, world-class local universities, really.

Still, with every turn I keep seeing these reminders that God is with me, that God will fulfill His plans in my life, and it fills me with just enough hope to keep dreaming. Some speaker in church the other day said faith is having no plan B because God will bring plan A to pass. Maybe, instead of praying to do well for As, I should be praying for a new dose of faith and peace of mind.

Don't know where typing all that has gotten me, but it's 1 am and tomorrow brings another round of battling this giant, so well. Bye.


-


(Oh hey found this in my drafts circa post JCTs)

The past few days have been so incredibly good, just getting the rest I didn't realise I needed so much.
 The thought of getting back to school and A levels and actual life is offputting on so, so many levels :(

I've been marathoning Teen Wolf, and it's been really long since I watched a show based in high school. Other than Glee, which is well, Glee, i.e exaggerated on manymany levels.

Growing up, my perspective of teenagehood was shaped almost entirely by all the American shows/ books/ music I watched/ read/ listened to. I was so sure that in secondary school, there'd be hallways with rows of lockers, that one perfect guy I'd have some meet-cute with and fall madly in love, that there'd be popular kids and geeks and other perfectly defined social circles, etcetc. It took me awhile to come to terms with the fact that 1) my life is not fiction 2) this is Singapore 3) there was a 99.9% chance I wouldn't be falling madly in love with anybody anytime soon (and I was right). I didn't even become the person I thought I would. Not that I'm not okay with the way things turned out.

It's funny looking back now, and looking at how different things have panned out from what I expected way back when.

I WANT TO HAVE SOMETHING INTERESTING TO WRITE ABOUT, BUT I DON'T, BECAUSE LIFE IS TRAGICALLY MUNDANE AND I CANNOT WAIT TO HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO AND NO WEIGHT ON MY SHOULDERS AGAIN.

everynowandthenifall a p a r t

There hasn't been anything worth blogging about lately, other than incessant whining about how uncertain everything is and how completely over this chapter of my life I am.

I've never been good with not knowing how things end -- I'm the kind of person to flip to the last page of a book to see how the story pans out before reading the rest, or wiki the synopsis before the movie starts. Suspense just isn't my thing, and gosh, what would I give to know how this A Levels bit of my life ends. Currently, the countdown's at 7 days to prelims, 70 days to As, 96 days to freedom. /sigh/
But I am more than a conqueror through Christ who strengthens me soooooo I'll press on press on press on.

(I suppose feeling bored ranks somewhere above being clueless, so thank God for that.)

limited

It terrifies me how numbered everything is in this environment I know so well, where everything has become so safe and comfortable over the years. 91 days to A levels, 28 to prelims. Less than a hundred mornings of waking up, sleeping on the bus, sitting with the YAs at the table, drinking nescafe mocha, whining about how hot the sun is, singing the national anthem, reciting the pledge, trodding up 3 storeys, deciding what to eat, etcetcetc.

The unknown is a scary place, and it's looming closer and closer.

-

On a less somber note, here's the start of my list of things to do after As that seems to get longer every day.

1) Travel
2) Learn French
3) Watch mandarin dramas (it's about time I improved my Chinese)
4) Bake and cook, excessively
5) Work
6) Apply for things
7) Read. And read. And read.
8) Watch many many shows (this include marathoning Gossip Girl)
9) Clear my room furreal (i.e. throw everything out bc bai school)
10)

98 Days to A Levels

Game on.

I hate this feeling, the feeling of being almost there but not quite. It's one I'm well acquainted with. Knowing I should be satisfied and thankful, that I shouldn't worry because it's all in God's hands and hey, it's not like I did terribly. The thing is, it's an irrational, unjustifiable kind of feeling that I can't shake off and it scares me that it is/ I am never going to be enough.

I guess this is what it feels like to have yet to be in want, to be half-filled but to feel so inexplicably empty nonetheless.

There are instances where I cannot stand myself, and the way my mind works.
This is one of those times.

CTs ended everyday, so far all I've done is watching teen wolf and reading the maze runner series and rolling around in bed and I must say, it feels really good :) I'm gonna bake later. Then maybe drink some tea and roll around more. Life's good.h

It's also scary, because now all that's left between now and As are prelims /gulp

I've been thinking so much about travelling these few days, and I guess it's the effect of school and whatnot, but these bouts of wanderlust keep getting stronger and stronger. Like, I may not know what I want to do with my life absolutely for sure, but I do know that I really, really want to see the world. 

“I'm in love with cities I've never been to and people I've never met.”
― John Green, Paper Towns

(Huh, I never realised this was a John Green quote.)

But what would I give to leave Singapore right now. Even just for a couple of days. Even somewhere nearby, like Bintan or KL. Just. Anywhere. But. Here. It's not that I don't love living in Singapore, it's just, everything feels so small and claustrophobic and it sucks knowing how much there is to be seen, to feel, smell, taste out there in this great big world God created. I've always wanted to go on a roadtrip like they do in books, to drive from town to town or just camp in the middle of nowhere where you can actually see stars. I know it sounds stupid as hell but I really, really want to see a sky full of stars. As much as I want to play in snow, or bungee jump off a cliff.

One day.

1. When can I drop this damn identity?
2. When will these scars heal?
3. When will I actually get over everything that happened?
4. Why the hell did it take me so long to leave?
5. If I've forgiven them (idek if I have, or what for), have I forgiven myself?
6. When can I stop overthinking this and feeling like shit?
7. Is this really going to be some emotional baggage that I'm going to have weighing on my heart for the rest of my life?

Things I'd rather be doing than studying

1. Travelling
2. Watching Teen Wolf
3. Watching Glee
4. Watching NCIS LA
5. Watching Hawaii Five-0
(etcetc)
6. Listening to music
7. Fangirling
8. Reading Allegiant
9. Reading the Maze Runner series
10. Reading Sarah Dessen
11. Reading Wattpad
12. Reading John Green
(etcetc)
13. Watching TFIOS
14. Watching 22 Jump Street
15. Watching random chick flick
(etcetc)

this list could go on forever.

I'm just going to go with #16 - sleep.

Thoughts @ two

It's been really, incredibly long since I've written something not whining about life and shit. I've got this whole backlog of half-written posts that I left as drafts because gosh, even I can't deal with myself and my need to over-analyse situations and people and things.

But anyway.

I've been mugging for JCTs. And mugging. And mugging, and mugging. Sigh. Not sure if I'm relieved or freaked out that As will be over and gone in less than 170 days. Yeah I'm counting down to the end, not the start because my stomach gets all twisty and my heart starts beating really fast and I think I have mild anxiety disorder or something, because that has been happening quite a bit recently but well, I don't know.

I've gone back to indulging in books as my escape. Both legit books and Wattpad. I guess the books I read can be categorised into two types - the deep, make you rethink your outlook on life type and the absolutely frivolous, mindless type. I've been gravitating towards the latter recently, because there's already waaaay too much on my mind. It's so nice losing myself in some fictional universe where the sun shines brighter (figuratively, Singapore could do with a lot less sun) and skies are bluer and things always work out absolutely fine.

The excessive Wattpad-ing has also gotten me wondering what it feels like to fall in love. I've always been a sucker for romance in books and movies. Anything that can make me swoon and reduce me to tears, actually. But the whole meeting the perfect guy, getting married, starting a family thing has just never been something I've dreamed about. Not in the past few years anyway. I should stop building unrealistic, fictional sandcastles in the air about relationships though. Hahaha I have this list I wrote way back when about the perfect guy after some Vday service in Church. I've pretty much kept to it all these years. I wonder if I'll fall in love with someone in like 2 days, storybook style. Or after knowing him for ages and then "slowly, and then all at once" (tfios reference what up) . I wonder what he's doing right now, where he is, who he's with. Or maybe I'll just be alone 5eva and just continue feeding off books and movies while everyone else gets attached (okay that sounds a lot sadder than I'm picturing it).

Right, enough incoherent musing, I should sleep.

More mugging tomorrow. Less procrastination.

Wheeeeee.

I(t)'ll be okay

onward we sail

This time last week, I was at PLTC '14. Admittedly, I wasn't really involved in the planning or anything, but it still felt pretty bittersweet knowing this might be one of the last bits of my journey in Guiding. It has been a 5.5 year journey, I daresay it may be one of my longest commitments in my life. And it's been a wonderful, memorable one, for lack of a better word, and I'm incredibly thankful for everything and everyone I've encountered, because Guides was probably among the major things that defined who/ where I am today.

And for the past 2 days, I was at Accounting Camp at SMU. It was a lot of fun, meeting people outsiide of Dunman for the first time in very very long. But more importantly, I guess it gave me a clearer picture of what I want to do. Which was the impetus I needed, because honestly  I am so sick of A levels and school and the education system (but not necessarily education) and the thought of studying for JCTS, then prelims then As is pretty depressing. 

But alright, head high, eyes on God, let's soldier on.

I feel clingy  and annoying and bossy and I'm sorry but this really matters to me and I genuinely don't know how else to react

And I Wonder

I feel like so ridiculously much has happened in the past month and I'm disturbed because I haven't had enough time to myself to sit and process everything. Long overdue offloading session okay leggo. It's been too long, I actually need my (really pretty) planner for this.

ALRIGHT so. Since the 22nd of March.

23rd  March-  I turned 18. Whee. Haven't done anything with that so meh pretty anticlimactic.

24th - 28th March - MCTs came and went, did okay I guess. Would have liked to do better, but wellllll. Thankful anyway, God is good :)

29th March - Went for some test for the Government to judge my intelligence (or lack thereof) hurhur. Also, went to the Earth Day thing and HEY I SAW ANDREW GARFIELD AND EMMA STONE ♥♥ (And Jamie Foxx)

And ZephaniaXiaoqiTessaYapqi surprised me for my bday so aww yey friends :)

30th March - Picnic at Marina Barrage with Amelia, Grace, Jieying, Xueqi, Siyun and Huiyi :)
Another birthday surprise <3 I should stop overlooking how blessed I am.

1-4th April was just hardcore concert prep, settling tickets and rehearsing and stuff. Super busy super tired but yeahhhhh and

5th April - INTERTWINE 2014 :D :D :D

Left this post in my drafts and didn't post it but  - 

Intertwine 2014
The road leading to concert was freaking crazy. I think we started planning this some time in December/ early January if I remember correctly? After all the Monday afternoon meetings, practices, the whirlwind that was ticketing, I still haven't wrapped my head around the fact that it's over. And with that, so is my journey in Guitar. Woooow.

The concert was so much fun though, and for once, our playing during the actual thing was better than during the rehearsal :) And guzheng was so, so good too. I'm so glad everything worked out :D


And down to the not-so-happy -

 Doing ticketing wasn' t as smooth-sailing as I expected, but I did learn a lot from the whole experience.
That sometimes you make mistakes. And people will give you hell for it, even after you make things right. That (forgive me if this is my defensiveness speaking) sometimes, people hide their inadequacy/ the fact that they're as much as you are, winging it by throwing shit at your efforts and ignoring the lengths to which you went to make everything work out. 
And most of all, that sometimes, people really, really suck, but you've just got to grin and bear it. 
I felt like I was wronged and insulted for no bloody reason, but I'm honestly not naive enough to believe that I'm not going to face this kind of BS in the future, especially considering the path I'm aspiring to take. It's a learning point, I guess, to be even more careful, and maybe I won't be that affected the next time round. If there is a next time. For the umpteenth time in my life, I really do wish I could care and feel less because, damn, emotions are tiring.
I guess what I can take away from this is the satisfaction that I did my best, and hell yeah do I believe I did my job well enough, given the circumstances. So to you, well, suck it.

It's over anyway, I will learn to forgive and put this behind me.

 On a whole though, it was an experience I wouldn't change for the world. I'm so incredibly thankful for everyone who worked so hard planning and performing. Being in Comm and having some part in this other than performing made this concert mean so much more to me, even if I wasn't directly involved in planning the programme proper.  

So yeah, thanks to everyone who made Intertwine as awesome as it was, from the teachers, to the comms, to the players, to the audience :) And from SYF to C'est La Vie to all the random perforamnces inbetween to comm stuff to Bass 2013/2014 to lunches and going back with new friends and finally, to Intertwine, I'm really thanful for this chapter in my life :')

14th April - PW results! Thank God x infinity. Still, annoyed at the system because I so honestly believe that the whole of DH049 damn well deserved an A for all the effort put in. But while Marilyn, DJ, Andy and Wanglu will probably never read this, looking back, I couldn't have asked for a better group to work with :)

--

Which brings me to today, Good Friday.
Went for the Good Friday service for the first time in years, and I don't think I've ever really understood the magnitude of God's love this much. Like, it hit me harder than ever before how big Jesus dying on the cross really is. I don't really know how to express myself but all I can say is Thank You because words don't really capture how amazing my God is.

So yeahhhhhhhhhhh that's life in the past month, down to today.

199 days to A levels eeeeep

Eighteen / this is my song in the desert

I'm turning eighteen in 45 minutes.
Tick tock.

Somehow, this feels pretty anti-climactic, sitting here on the couch just thinking about life with whatever's left of my brain after a week of cramming for MCTs.

But yeah, eighteen.

I guess I'm pretty happy with where I've ended up after eighteen years on this planet.
Feels like I'm walking on a tightrope these days, but so far, so good.

So yeah, here's to semi-adulthood /clinks metaphorical glass of legal drink/

-

Dear God,
I'm freaking out over MCTs, but I know I shouldn't be, because You will pave the way and make everything okay in Your time.
That's what I keep telling myself, because I know that that's Your truth, but still my mind continues to somersault and my heart keeps beating faster and faster the more I think about it.
But You've held my hand through everything, I've been okay by Your grace.
I'll be okay this time round, too.
If I do fine, then yay puppies and rainbows, but even if I don't, I pray that my faith will hold strong, because You are the God of the eternal and really, what are A Levels to You even.
Either way, it'll work out.
I know it will.
So God, please grant me the peace of mind that all things work towards Your plan, and I surrender these MCTs into Your hands.
Help me, be my strength, and at the end of the day, the results will be Yours, not mine.
Thank You for being a supergreat God, really, and I know You are far, far bigger than any worry that could ever cross my mind.

And as I turn eighteen, thank You for being there with me through every stage of my life, and for Your love that floods oceans.
I have so many gripes about my family, but the one thing I cannot dispute is how infinitely blessed I am to have been born into an Christian home, to have known You for as long as I can remember.
I give You my life, my future, everything, because You know so much better than I do.
You are a great, great God.
Amen :)

Pray more, worry less.

Barely breathing

I'm not fine at all / but I will be

Dear God,

The number of times I've thought the words 'drained' and 'exhausted' and 'done' today is kind is kind of ridiculous. Definitely not how I'd imagine someone living in Your power and victory to feel, but I don't know. I don't know where I'm headed, I feel, like so many times before, like I'm just blindly flailing about. I think I've grown to put too much focus on my results. Glorifying You goes so far beyond that, and it should be about You anyway. So cliché as it sounds, I want to come back to the heart of worship, where You come first, beyond anything I face in school or life. Through the storms and deserts, God, help me keep my faith strong, my eyes on You who strengthens me. Help me, please, and I know whatever comes out of this is not for me to claim, but Yours.

But words are easy. Help me put this commitment into practice, please. 

I know serve an incredible, unfathomable God, and I am blessed, even when situations seems to suggest otherwise.

I'll weather these storms / look up, lift up

Amen.

-

I actually really feel a lot better now :)

@ 1.21am

Sometimes I wish I was more outspoken, more sociable, among other things.
There are many things I wish I could change about myself, and it's so easy to just lose sight of how somewhere, somehow, the way God created me is going to come into play.

Also, lately (lately I've been losing sleep thnking about the way that we should beeeee) I've been wondering what it would be like growing up in one of those small towns I read about where everyone knows each other and you have to drive miles and miles to get to the city. Somewhere where the night sky actually has stars.

I've always loved growing up in Singapore, where the divide between the city and everywhere is basically nonexistent, but I guess the stress is starting to get to me. A slower pace of life sounds so much better, though I'd probably get bored after 2 days. Or hours. Still, it's a nice thought.

Maybe one day in the very very distant future I'll just pack my bags and find a town like that and hide from everyone and everything for a couple of days.

/cue Nicholas Sparks story/

Not because of what I've done/ but because of who You are

It's been a long, rough day, and this came right when I really needed it :")

So that's the work of art that has been playing in my head/ through my earphones for the past two days.
Also, I'm not all that proud to admit that I've been fangirling pretty excessively (insert looking down emoji).
But daaaamn 5sos is a flipping good band and it's so obvious how much success they're going to enjoy, considering this is just the start and bam 1m views in 2 days?

It must be nice being eighteen and going places. Okay fine, I suppose I'll end up somewhere, but it'd be nice to know where exactly.

Which brings me to the delayed cny visitations over the past couple of days. I totally forgot that I'm almost 18 and people would start asking me WHAT DO U WANT TO DO WITH UR LIFE as a conversation starter instead of the usual "What school? Which level?" so I muttered something about banking/finance/accounting and inevitably got a very unasked for myriad of opinions from the relatives.

Don't go into accounting, very boring. What if I end up liking it?
Don't go into banking, no job stability. Give me a bit of credit and at least consider that I may survive recessions?
Study engineering, it's very useful. (this train of thought went on for 20 minutes) Because that interests me so much like wow. 

Admitedly, family gatherings make me very angsty and ughhhhhhhhhhhh #antisocialkid

But I should really come up with a concrete goal to work towards. Till then, friendly reminder to myself to get my ass off tumblr/ here and keeping working so at least I'll have the luxury of choice.



Jesus take the wheel, lead me according to Your will.

getaway / phuket '14

We ponned cny :)

It's been so long since the three of us went on a vacation together.

I guess it was high time we took the whole "screw tradition" thing to the next level by skipping all the festivities altogether. I'm glad we did though :) This should be our new thing.

And maybe I'm being sappy and shizz but it's nice being reminded of how blessed I am to have my family. Sure, there are so, so many things that I would change, and it's so easy to lose track of what I do have especially looking at other families, but in all, I'm incredibly thankful for the relationship I have w the parents and the sister.

My mum, who has dealt with all my moodswings and bitchy teenage years for so long, who does so much even when we don't always remember to tell her how appreciative we are, who has shown me what true strength is come trial after trial.

My dad, who always reminds me to take a chill pill and let life take its course and is always there to lend a listening ear for his rambling daughter and spoil me :) And I don't know how to eloquently put into words how much I love Sunday lunches where I can just rant about anything and everything without getting judged, because Daddy always knows what to say.

Anddddd the sib, who has been my rock through everything. She's someone I look up to in so many aspects, and I admire so. damn. much. how she's always able to put everyone else above herself, and how for her, it's always God first. And in all my materialism and whatnot, she's always who I look to to reflect on what's really, truly important.

So yeah, after all these years, I do love my family, each and every one of them :')

okay/not

Wooooow I' m tired. Life is tiring.

Pissed my mum off by not wanting to go to for family dinner because, well, exhaustion, and what she said kind of really cut deep. It's not the first time she's implied it though.

She said all I care about is school.
That it's my fault for taking on so many commitments.
That God doesn't matter to me, neither does family.
That I'm self centred and basically useless to everyone but myself.

And that sucked, that made me almost cry at macs at T3.

Maybe it's true, I'm taking Y6 hella seriously, more so that I've ever viewed school in my life. I'm doing tutorials ahead of time, taking on CCA commitments, trying to follow lectures and plan my days. But it's really not your place to tell me where my priorities lie, much less how my relationship with God is going. 
I guess you don't know how much stress I'm placing on myself to perform, to excel. And that's why I'm taking on so many commitments and pushing myself this hard. You don't know how badly I want to get a scholarship, because even if I don't get to go overseas, at least I can do something to relieve you of my uni fees. You don't know how hard I'm working for my future, also because I know it'll be up to me to support both parents. You. Don't. Know. It isn't all about me, not really. And I don't know how far off I am from my threshold, but I'm counting on God and praying that I don't fall flat on my face.
And it blows, knowing that I'm basically on my own because no one freaking understands, and having you kind of throw rocks at me while I struggle to find my balance.

So please don't tell me to "BEWARE THE PATH U R GOING" because I'm trying very bloody incredibly hard to not fall down already okay?

  

The real reason I didn't want to go for dinner today was because I weighed my options -- sleeping at home in preparation for another draining week vs sitting at dinner awkwardly with cousins I literally have no connection with other than the fact that we're blood related and aunts and uncles who will inevitably tell me how much weight I've put on. Tough choice, really. We did this GP thing the other day where we had to write down our priorities in order, and I wrote "My beliefs, family, friends, grades". Yeah, in that order, and I meant it. If it was a dinner with the sister and her, sure, but extended family, tragically enough, for a variety of reasons, can be found faaaarrr down that list, therefore.

But noooope I am a self centred brat of a daughter so okay sure whatever floats your boat.

This week's episode of Modern Family hit home haaaard. I can't find the clip on youtube, but Alex had a meltdown from pushing herself for her SATs. So she went to a therapist and it felt like I was the one being counselled, because I could relate to everything she said, other than that bit about people expecting things of her -- I honestly think I'm the only one with such high hopes for myself (Speaking of which, people need to stop giving me the shocked face when they find out I'm taking H3 math, it's getting kind of offensive. Just another source of stress -- proving dem bitches wrong). Who knew a sitcom could resonate so strongly huh.

Well, it ended with this --

But nope, no such luck for me. Not yet, anyway.

On a side note, is there an off button to this whole emotions thing?

Sentimental / Counting stars

Taking a much undeserved break from Macroecons. Because blogging and procrastination go hand in hand. I think I'll be here a lot this year.

Orientation ended yesterday with a mushy singalong session at the campfire with the y5, 6 and 7 level songs, which of course, brought along a whole barrage of feels.

Backing up a bit, Karazo '14 was really fun, albeit less cray than Y5 orientation because after a year, we have all become jaded old fogies. Yeah. I'm glad I listened to the part of me that didn't want to pon orientation :)

I guess it's only just hit me that I have a year left in Dunman.

I've come a long way from the girl who walked into school on the first day 5 years back for Homecoming, scared shitless because I didn't know anyone in my class.

It turned out to be a great, fantastic, quirky class. Being in 1/2L really undid all the bs I'd come to believe in primary school about the notions of being 2kool4skool, and it also immensely humbled me (too much, maybe, to the point I couldn't be assed to work in Y1/2, but that's another story). Really thankful for the friends I made there /much luv/

And Guides, of course -- it took up so much of my life in Junior High, and I'm glad it did. One of the best decisions of my life in school thus far, fo' sure.

Y3/4 saw a class I never got completely attached to. Even so, I enjoyed the company of my classmates, and I guess it's kind of sad how I didn't even try keeping the ties.
But what really distinguished Y3/4 was the fact that somehow, without realising it, I actually started doing my homework, studying for tests, getting better grades (by God's grace, no less). Maybe it was the dumb, competitive bit of me that somehow saw that I actually stood a chance if I started working, and so I did, just to prove a point.

More memories in Guides in those 2 years as well, the seniors sure as heck weren't kidding when they said that Y3 would be unforgettable. Somehow zformation came to be somewhere in those years, and wooooooow where would I be without these girls <3

And 2013 with 5C34 was :) :). It was such a different environment from any of my previous classes, and definitely a welcome change. The 34 ZHABORS (I should stop labelling friends by whatsapp group names)  really did make the year a lot more bearable :') Don't know how the heck I missed that out in the previous post. 2013 was the year I joined Guitar too, but I reminisced enough in the post below.

(Oh yeah, another thing I forgot about in the 2013 post - I stopped attending that, and it may not have played out the way I envisioned, but I'm pretty sure I made the right decision anyway. One day I'll understand why God brought me through this whole journey, but till then.)

So, last night. Something about singing No Boundaries really put into perspective how it's my freaking A Level year, and I've got 10 months to work my ass off and make things happen.

Then 我们之间 came on, which brought another barrage of emotions because 5 years have flown by and real, adult life is actually nearing, ready or not. And I'll leave this comfortable, familiar, sheltered environment I've grown so accustomed to in the past few years and have to make new friends (which honestly frightens me #damnintrovert) and immerse myself into a whole new world (cue Aladdin).

And by At The Beginning, everyone was just kind of high, singing really loudly and idontknow, I wasn't actually thinking by that point.

Point is, it was an amazing night that brought back too many memories and pulled me into the whirl of thoughts, not-so eloquently expressed above.

Not sure how this became a walk down memory lane, but to conclude, I'm really thankful that God helped me get into DHS, I really am. Because P6 me didn't actually believe I could. And that God led me to choose DHS, because life could have gone a whole other direction that might have been better, but I'm happy here, not knowing.

Here's to an unforgettable, hopefully adequately enjoyable final year.

-
On another note, I've found myself struggling to answer some of the typical 'Get to know you better' questions from teachers. For a supposedly introspective person, I really suck at coming up with answers?

"Best moment of 2013?" "Lowest moment of 2013?" "Hopes for 2014?"

Well, I do have answers , just that they're all related to grades/ CCA, and it makes me sad penning all that down on paper because woooooow I sound so loserly, not having a life outside school and all.

But maybe I just don't.

Damn.
-
How weird is it that living and dying are synonymous. 
Either way, we're just wiling away our limited time here.

Eyes above the waves

I guess most people review the year before the year ends but I've been overseas/ hella busy the past couple of weeks (marathoning Modern Family amongst other things) so WELL it's the 5th and hi.
School starts freaking tomorrow and I have econs hw to chiong and a math test (yes, on the first bloody day of school) to study for but it wouldn't feel right starting the year without reflecting a little, being the introspective infj person I am. SO I'm giving myself until 3pm to do this before getting to work.

2013 was actually pretty okay. Better than I expected y5 to be anyway, so praise God :)
Then again, I say that pretty much every year so I'm not sure if I'm just a glass half full person or if life's actually greater than I think.
I'm blessed, in spite of everything life throws at me.

School was exhausting as heck, but I pulled through I guess.
I'm so glad I joined Guitar, and so thankful that God opened so many doors and helped me through the year :)
Staying in YAs was a good choice too, even though I wasn't all that involved. Love chionging hw/ gossiping at the table every morning though LOL.

I honestly can't think of much else to say, but I'm just so incredibly grateful for God's grace and strength that sustained me through the ups and downs of the year, and miracle after miracle as He opened doors I never even noticed.

Sooooo 5 days into 2014, I'm nervous as heck bc yunno A levels :/
But I WILL NOT FEAR because I have FAITH that it's all up to God and I'll do my best to bring glory to my King.

2 Corinthians 12:9 

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

Bring it, 2014