Conceal / don't feel

Like falling snowflakes

I had a pretty bad dream last night/ this morning -- not an apocalyptic ninja monkeys chasing me-type nightmare, but still enough to make me cry in my dream. Also, considering how my dreams mainly consist of the most random bits and bobs popping up here and there for no particular reason, this is the closest to a nightmare I've had in a really long time lolol. Also, one of the few dreams I actually recall so wheee I'm gonna record it.

I don't remember the lead-up to this, but it started out with my class in LC4 and for some reason, Mr Zein was conducting some activity to do with a Harry Potter quiz and we were in our PW groups. And all the questions were really easy until it hit my group and we were asked 'What is the best timing to go through a liver check up? Slow, medium or fast?' And for some reason 'medium' popped into my head and I was so sure I was right but the answer turned out to be 'Christmas roast bark'. YEAH IDEK WTH BRAIN

(Totally aware that I might sound like a whiny bitch here, btw, but ah heck.)

Then it got shitty - we went to the hall and I saw Mrs Chin. So I went up to her and asked if I was supposed to have received anything regarding H3 Math, like notes or something and she said yes. And if I hadn't received anything then it meant that I had not gotten in. To which I was like "But you sent the acceptance email?????" And in true Mrs Chin fashion she told me that a lot of people got accepted so they narrowed it down and yeap.

And ideky but this was the point I lost it and my face kind of just crumpled up and I couldn't stop crying because I didn't actually realise it but I guess I'm actually looking forward to it LOL. And other reasons.

Yeah then I woke up feeling kind of shaken and also pretty pathetic that that was all it took to make me cry. Math. LOL.
-

I guess on a deeper level it's because everything seems to be hanging on this fragile balance and it seems like one. damn. move. could make/break everything, and that was definitely a break. But I also feel really dumb because it wasn't even something tangible that I saw flying away, just a prospect seeming another step further away.

Honestly? I'm really afraid that all this anticipation is going to destroy me if everything falls flat to the ground come next (next) year because realistically speaking, it's not like that one step back would have made much of a difference. Still, I cling on to some kind of blind hope. Maybe it's faith. In which case, I should just really stop incessantly worrying my damn brain and trust God.

----------

On a less depressing note, the holidays have been going pretty wonderfully :) A nice break before Y6 starts and all hell breaks loose. So far, it's been a nice mix of (much valued) alone time and going out with friends and like damn can I live like this forever :< Books and movies and food and tumblr and youtube and fangirling // not having a life is underrated.

Also, I've started attempting to learn French HAHA. It has been on my bucketlist since I was in P3 or something. BONJOUR.

Really looking forward to Taiwan and Hongkong in 2 weeks with le mother :) Leaving on Christmas Day bc boss hahaha. Hot spring/shopping/EATING here I come whooooop.

And then I'll have to survive a month of school before heading to Phuket for CNY w the fam because yunno, we're traditional like that. I'm even more excited for this tbh because how damn good does sitting by the beach and getting massages after a grueling month of lessons sound.

:D

I think about this a lot, really, how lives are interconnected and intertwined like strings in so many ways we can't even begin to imagine. It's both scary and beautiful at the same time. And how in all of this, only God sees the bigger, infinitesimally elaborate picture of the billions of people since Adam and Eve coming together, forming friendships, falling in love, drifting apart, inspiring, impacting generations to come.

It's incredible how unimaginably bigger the world is when we can barely manage to look beyond ourselves.

wildheart.

Shit.

I don't know if I'm overthinking and worrying for no reason, but I'm just bloody sick and tired of this.
Okay fine, worrying can never be justified b/c God, but still.
Sometimes it feels like I barely made it out the last time, and looking back, I know without a doubt that it was only by God's grace that I did.
And I thought that everything was over, that that book was long closed but nope guess not.

So many why can't I have it like _____s flying through my head and ugh, I am so annoyingly human. Never content, but I don't know what to do.

INFJs are supposed to be acutely aware of the little details around them/ of themselves.
Honestly? Awareness is a bitch when all you can do is watch and worry because there's nothing you can do about things.

My thoughts are incoherent as heck but I am just. so. worn. out.

kbye

Kinda scared, because this feels like the beginning of an all-to-familiar road that I don't want to go down.

Not again.

Forget what you thought

The past week has been me in social mode.

And the socialising will continue for the next couple of days

Which is admittedly been pretty exhausting considering what a hermit I can be (no offence friends, it's not you it's me, really) but can I just say,

I'm really thankful for the people around me :)

OP tmr //
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Amen.

Other thoughts floating through my troubled mind.

(1)

I saw my childhood friend at city hall yesterday, I think.

We didn't say hi though.

It's pretty depressing if you think about it -- we were so, so close all the way until sec 1. I went to her house at least twice a week on average, we played everything you could imagine: imaginary pretend games, dancing to I'M A BARBIE GIRL, computer games, catching, hide and seek, etcetcetc. We pretty much grew up together.

I remember her sister asking us once if we were best friends. I replied "No, she's my special friend, because best friends don't last forever." Damn, I was one deep kid. It's a pity that didn't work though.

I don't actually know why we drifted apart, it just happened so suddenly. I guess without Sundays in church to bring us together, we kind of never made the effort. After all, we had new circles of friends in church (she did, anyway), new schools to adapt to, and somehow we just didn't bother. And we both moved on with our lives.

It makes me sad, thinking about it. I was once so sure that we'd be one of those pairs of friends who would boast about being friends since they were toddlers, having an Unbreakable Friendship that time couldn't touch. Guess not.

I miss those simpler days. Do you?

(this really wasn't supposed to sound like a post-breakup rant)

--

(2)

These few days, I've been feeling I just need a really good cry, however retarded that sounds. I don't know, I just feel so weighed down and somehow the idea of crying until I feel better sounds quite nice. Another quote from deepkidDeborah (I found this in my diary) - "Sometimes I feel like tears are little bottles of troubles just leaving your heart through your eyes."

Feeling like a dam just inches away from giving way, just not quite yet.

Blank

In all the OP trials, the one comment I just. keep. receiving. is SMILE

LOOK HAPPY

And I always assumed it was just because I don't have a smiley face by nature, but yesterday I got "you have a bored face" and today I was told that I have "soulless eyes".

And that really got to me, because firstly, I genuinely don't know how to change the way I look. It's kinda like telling a fat kid to lose weight because the examiners won't like it. I'm trying, trying so damn hard to smile while I speak, but it feels unnatural and I swear I look like a psychopath.

Stupid as it sounds, I'm getting bloody insecure about MY DAMN FACE so like wth yeah.

Also, soulless eyes.

That really got me thinking -- I think I was a smiley kid once upon a time?

But, ohgoshkillme, I guess I've become that person in books with blank, emotionless eyes. 

But those people always invaribly have their sad story behind their jaded facade. Do I really?

I mean, yeah I've been through shit, but have all the years of "mask it all, don't betray your emotions" really taken their toll on me, or is it just MY DAMN FACE.

Great, now PW has me questioning my mental health.
And my damn face.

Alrighty then, time to give my best fake smile.

Staaaaaph

It is probably not the healthiest thing to distract myself from the shit on my mind by staring at some australian boy in a batman costume,
Or scrolling through tumblr for hours looking at random amusing nonsense the internet has come up with/ staring at said boy and his equally attractive bandmates.
But I'll do so anyway.

Okay I make wasting my life away sound like alcohol LOL.

In some fabulous twist of events, I'm this close to applying for H3 math. Which is possibly suicide, but so is H3 econs I guess? I mean, I can't even get past 10 words of my first essay hurhur.

Which reminds me why I didn't take a more humans-y course despite my interest -- because the unpredictability of such courses just throw me off. I'm afraid of failure. So. Damn. Afraid. And that has/ will probably always be an obstacle.
So maybe I should get over it. But what if I don't?

(The reason why I'm whining so much on here is because
1) I highly doubt anyone reads this so it's like my space to thinkkkk (if someone is reading this, hi.)
2) I don't know who to talk about this to, bc I worry that in their heads, they'll either be thinking something along the lines of "Is she crazy does she actually think she's smart enough" or "Stuuuuupid problems just don't take H3"
I should stop letting my insecurity cut me off from people.

I should stop doing a lot of things.
But I'll do so anyway.

Which brings me back to whattheheckdoIdo?

God, please guide me. 
:(

Like rocks in your soul.

I haven't felt this burdened in a long time.

It's like there's this thing weighing at my heart, but I don't know what it is exactly.

And I feel like the bucket at wildwildwet, the one that gets filled up only to go splaaaaaash. The bells are ringing.

Cliche metaphors aside, I really do feel incredibly troubled, weighed down by uncertainty.
And I know I shouldn't, because God is in control, because faith moves mountains, yes, but I still do.

H3 Econs -
Do I give up? Do I just give it a shot and brace myself for failure?
Maybe I'm just not cut out to be outstanding.
Maybe mediocrity is where I'm headed.
Maybe I reached for the moon and instead of landing among the stars, I'm hurtling back towards earth for a spectacular splat.

PW-
So close to the end, but what if it wasn't enough?
What if we just don't match up to everyone else?

What ifs will be the death of me.

And gosh, I loathe myself for buying into these thoughts because they sound, in themselves, like lies that are placed before me to stop me from fulfilling God's destiny for me. Still, they eat away at my confidence, they sow seeds of doubt that leave me feeling so helpless, my faith shaken.

Then there's the other part of me that tells me that I am a bloody retard. And there's no one I can really confide in because honestly? They'll probably be thinking the same thing. That I'm the little girl who (mistakenly) believed for a moment that I could take on the world, that I'm just a whiny bitch who can't count her blessings.

Today, I'm not okay.
I'm not freaking okay.

“You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking how you'll escape one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present.”

Head up, keep going.

34532429% done with PW like.

I've, no, we've put in so damn much from the start of the year and the thought of it not paying off is almost too much to handle.

And now I can't get myself to work on OP because there's this sinking feeling in my gut that's sucking my energy and asdfghjkl.

But God has helped me scale mountains, what's another one right?

Anyway IIIIIIII am going to continue staring at Luke Hemmings' gorgeous face on tumblr now bye

I stand amazed.

I did it
Or rather, God did it through me.
I can't freaking believe it but I'm amazed and just like whoaaaaaaaaaa

GOD OF MIRACLES.

Raaaant.

I'm 2483481% done with PW right now, pointless pool of shit, unnecessary frustration and just hifsadnfjbkdsdasCAHFSXDUBDZSDSJQa

Some days I feel like the world's still out there for me to explore, battles for me to conquer, stars for me to claim.

Then there are the days where crushing defeat is overwhelming and victory seems to be eons away.

Today's the latter.

faithfaithfaithhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

BUCKETLIST.

Lately, I've been thinking of all the things I want to do before I die and ohmygoodness it is a loooong list. I tried looking for the list I remember writing while dying of boredom in some chinese (pfft chinese) lesson last year but unsurprisingly, I have no idea where it is.

So before I go back to the crushing vortex that is sucking joy from my post promo life otherwise known as PW, here's a start of a list that is unlikely to stop getting longer anytime soon. Most things are pretty frivolous but as a 17 year old I'm just going to embrace my right to shallowness okay /flips hir

BUCKETLIST.

1) Travel the world (particularly backpack through Europe and visit every continent)

2) Stay in London (or anywhere else really) for an extended period of time

3) Fall hopelessly in love

4) Work in the CBD 

5) Buy my dad his Swiss chalet 

6) Go bungeejumping. And skydiving. And jump off a 10m platform. 

7) See my favourite band (of the moment) live 

8) See the Aurora lights 

9) Build enough stamina to run 10K 

10) Learn French 

11) Be wealthy enough to go on mid-range shopping sprees freely (materialistickid96 SO SUE ME) 

To be continued.

Relief floods my soul

All results back, I'm pretty satisfied with my results :)
Praise God, really, I'm so thankful for His grace and faithfulness that sustained me the past few months.
Not sure if I did well enough in econs, but I'm learning that God's winds will take me along the right path so whatever happens, it'll be okay.

Thank You, Father.

Nervouswreck

They're releasing promo results over the next two days.

I've been trying to keep it off my mind the whole day but not to much avail and just like gaaahhhhhhh my stomach gets into knots and my heart starts pounding really hard as if my whole bloody life depends on those few letters.

Good luck to me when A level results come hurhur

Dear God, please grant me a peace of mind and the unshakable faith that come whatever, my life is in Your hands and You'll steer this ship where the waters welcome me and all will be okay.

Help me praise You, rain or shine or whatever else between.

OVER

(Delayed, but)
PROMOS ARE OVERRRRRRRRRRR
Didn't go as well as I would have hoped, but I tried my best and it's in God's hands now :)

-

Had the best day yesterday :)
I am such an introvert, really, I just needed time alone to recharge and feel like I can face the world again.

Travelled almost 2 hours to meet my dad at NUS for some amazing Italian food that was so worth the time, and there was this really hot waiter too okaythanksbye. Anyway the place was at utown, it was my first time there but it was a really nice place :) I guess if I don't end up where I want to in 2 years, I'd still be incredibly blessed getting into NUS (if I actually do lol)

Anw headed over to suntec afterwards, which somehow always always has incredible sales and so for the first time in ages I SHOPPED /cue tears of joy/

Spent awhile chilling at Smoothie King (yeah it doesn't have the same hipster effect as starbucks) reading Looking For Alaska and watching Covert Affairs :D Having time on my hands is the best feeling, especially after the past 10 emotionally physically everything draining months.

Ended the day walking to the helix bridge w my mum :) Asshole daughter would have preferred being alone but my mum is overprotective to the extent that she travelled an hour to accompany me so I'm pretty touched in that sense, I suppose. Sat by the Marina Basin just watching the lights and getting lost in my thoughts. Note to self - go back before school starts next year.

-

So yeah, that was yesterday. Gosh I hate doing narrative posts, it took so much effort getting myself to complete that for the benefit of my future self to look back and reminisce on these better times (hi self)

Also, true to what happens before every major assessment, I found a new band to obsess overrrrr
5SOS this time round HAHAHA
I need to stop this omg but well here are my new Australian crushes



And they're almost my age and on a deeper level (yeap I'm making fangirling deep), I guess I really admire them for basically living their dreams at 17 (to 19), while I'm still trying to make sense of why I'm even working my butt off over here chasing an empty space.

Okay I need to go scan in my butchered WR now.

It never ends, does it.

Faith moves mountains

In 12 hours, I will be sitting at seat E08 in the hall writing my GP essay.
Provided I don't end up staring into blank space, that is /touch wood/

These few days, I've seen unexpected miracle after miracle, really.
And I know, without a doubt, that it was God's strength and not my own effort.
Feeling really uplifted now though, hopefully complacency won't get the better of me.
But just really, really thankful that I have a God who will see me through every up and down :)

Promospromospromos I'm afraid as hell, even though I know I shouldn't be.

God > Mountains
Faith > Fear

Dear God, I surrender.

I place my promos in Your hands, and even as I drown myself studying for the next 2+ weeks, help me never lose sight of You. Please provide me the strength I need to sustain me and may Your hands be upon all of this :) 

At the end of all this, whatever my results, let me praise You, rain or shine.

All glory to my King.

 

Jaded.

I'm just so tired, so sick of this.
So sick of going through the motions, so sick of chasing a hypothetical future that I don't know for sure that I can reach, or whether that's even what I want to start with.

It feels like I'm just mindlessly moving through a tunnel, with this pretty picture of what I'll find at the end, but that's all it is -- a picture.

What if I don't get there, which, at this rate, is highly possible.
Then I'd have to live with all the what ifs tormenting me.
What if I had worked harder, done better, or just not set my hopes so high?
Or even worse -- why did I even bother trying.

Or what if I do get there, then find that everything I had hoped for was just me being idealistic, and that the world just isn't a wish granting factory.

I don't know what I'm striving for anymore.

Some nights I wish this all would end.

God, I need a miracle

bullet

Time's passing too fast, it feels like promos are rushing towards me like a train on full speed, and I'm just left standing in the middle of the tracks squinting at the too-bright headlights and wincing at the deafening sound but paralysed still, and in 9 days, 

splat.

Countdown/19

19 days to promos lol did shit just get real or whuuuut.

School is getting more and more meaningless for me, I don't know why I'm doing all of this anymore, or why any of us are to start with.

It's all so bloody futile and pointless and I just want this to be over and done with.

Like existentially fraught free throws, as John Green would say.

Why do we even?

 

We all face situations in life that feel out of control. During times like these, it’s easy to get discouraged and allow fear to creep in; but instead, why don’t you focus on the fact that God is holding you in the palm of His hand! There is nothing too difficult for Him; nothing’s impossible; nothing is beyond His ability. When God holds you in His hand, you are safe; you are cared for. In His hand, there is victory. In His hand, there is strength. In His hand, there is provision. In His hand is everything you need.

No matter what you may be going through today, you can trust that God is for you. Instead of getting down and depressed over your circumstances, look up and get a vision of God turning that situation around. Let faith arise in your heart and focus on His favor, promotion and blessing. As you keep your heart and mind focused on Him and choose to obey His Word, you’ll see those supernatural breaks that will launch you further ahead than you ever thought possible because He holds you with His victorious right hand!

Got our result slips today, I did okay I suppose.

Not as well as I had hoped, but I'm not complaining.

Asdfghjkl promos, lkjhgfdsa PW :(

For from Him are all things, and to Him are all things, to God be the glory

Feeling incredibly dejected tonight, feels like I just got bitchslapped by this thing called reality.

Paper

Two tests down, both of varying degrees of faceplantworthiness.
Chem was shit, really just pure utter shit. Honestly, I went in feeling semi confident, but somewhere around 15 minutes through the paper all of that had given way to this horrible, sinking feeling.

And in my head as I tried to navigate my way through questions I couldn't wrap my mind around, together with a good variety of expletives was this sense of how freaking retarded A levels are.

I mean, the whole bloody education system for 2 years is geared towards a month's worth of tests, tests designed to blow minds, to see how quickly you can regurgitate intellectual vomit into a cohesive argument, or to see how much useless science you can apply to answer questions that far more intelligent human beings have already found the solutions to. Once those papers are over, we'll throw the notes away together with whatever knowledge we'd have burned to memory.

Is it just me or does that sound dumb in every sense of the word?

But we are paper people who will do paper things to advance forward in a paper society run by paper values and that's just the sad, depressing way the world works.

(Ugh I sound like such a whiny kid just disgruntled and ranty because I can't thrive in this system. But maybe that's just really all I am.)

econs tmr, don't know what I'm doing, don't know why I'm trying

Silhouette, Owl City.I'm tired of waking up in tears, 'Cause I can't put to bed these phobias and fears I'm new to this grief I can't explain; But I'm no stranger to the heartache and the pain. 
The fire I began, is burning me alive But I know better than to leave and let it die I'm a Silhouette asking every now and then Is it over yet? Will I ever feel again? I'm a Silhouette chasing rainbows on my own But the more I try to move on the more I feel alone So I watch the summer stars to lead me home 
I'm sick of the past I can't erase, A jumble of footprints and hasty steps I can't retrace, The mountains of things that I still regret, Is a vile reminder that I would rather just forget (No matter where I go) 
The fire I began, is burning me alive But I know better than to leave and let it die I'm a Silhouette asking every now and then Is it over yet? Will I ever smile again? I'm a Silhouette chasing rainbows on my own But the more I try to move on the more I feel alone So I watch the summer stars to lead me home 
'Cause I walk alone, no matter where I go 'Cause I walk alone, no matter where I go 'Cause I walk alone, no matter where I go 
I'm a Silhouette asking every now and then Is it over yet? Will I ever love again? I'm a Silhouette chasing rainbows on my own But the more I try to move on the more I feel alone So I watch the summer stars to lead me home I watch the summer stars to lead me home

Having yet another omgwhatamidoingwithmylifeugh moment, they just keep coming these days. Must be all the mindless studying getting to my head. But really though, what the hell.

I'm getting so frustrated, feeling so claustrophobic with the whole education system, the rat race and whatnot. What's the point in learning 4 subjects in such useless detail, considering I'm only going to use a small percentage of it in whichever path I take in the future? Gosh, what would I give to get the hell out of here but nooooooo you have to go on this path, it's the only way you'll make it yada yada yada.

And it's like with every day I see my dream of studying overseas flying further and further away, which doesn't do much to keep me going.

It's a bleak, bleak future I see. 

God, help me have faith that You will put me on the path You know I should walk.

Stolen/

It's almost a tradition -- every year, I just have to find a new band to fangirl over. I am such a sucker for boybands okay. Even though technically Lawson aren't a boyband, they're a band comprising of 4 males. Ah whatever, I mean, just look at them





Yes I'll stop before future me cringes anymore, so mooooooving on.

Gah the holidays have flown past, as always. Still have a chunk of stuff to study sigh. Don't quite remember when I started caring so much about my grades but, well.

Anywayz I'm just gonna trust that God's will will play out accordingly, however cliche that sounds.

In other news, Singapore is shrouded in haze, courtesy of our friendly neigbour, Indonesia #love #noshit
The jokes on twitter are pretty funny and all I guess, it's nice seeing humour that's not slapstick and corny as heck. And I'm thankful that the mock tests next week have been cancelled, because uh hello, soooooo not ready. Wearing a mask out, however, is not fun. 4srs it smells like outdoor cooking everyday everywhere, bleh.

So here's hoping that the skies clear up for the next week and that all hazy hell breaks loose sometime near the 1st, because, hey, I'm all up for CTs being postponed/cancelled

They say it's the people closest to you who make you hurt the most. I guess they're also the same people who make you question everything because you place high hopes on them and because they're human,  they inevitably fail you and leave you to wonder why exactly you let yourself go on the same emotional roller coaster over and over again.

Sometimes I wish I felt less, that I were more numb and detached from my surroundings. But no, I care too damn much and investing damns is precisely what pushes people off the edge. Specifically,  I wonder what it'd be like to be you,  to be so bloody self centered in the name of unselfishness. These days, I don't know if you're blind, dumb, or just a callous jerk who knows but doesn't give two shits about, well, anyone.

But why does it even matter. Excusable or not, I'll eventually end up at this spot, venting my pent up frustration with silent screams, words I'd never dare to say to your face because I know I'd just choke up and make a fool of myself. And you? You'd laugh me off as the selfish brat I'll always be in your mind. Both of your minds.

I'd call you a hypocrite but I guess that'd be unfair. All I can hope is that you'll open your bloody eyes and wake up sometime soon.

procrastinateprocrastinate

(Tumblr)

1. Most comforting place, smell, sound and memory?

Place - the airport

Smell - my storeroom (LOL)

Sound - In Christ Alone (a song counts right? Anw it's my calmdownitsokay song)

Memory - Switzerland w the (full) fam in '07

2. Your ambitions as a child and your ambitions now

Lawyer, vet, wtvmymumusedtodo, popstar HAHA

then

Banking/finance

3. Biggest fear

Failure.

4. The biggest mistake you’ve made

That. But who's to say that things would have turned out differently.

5. Do you think you’re very conscious about the feelings of others or more self oriented?

The former

6. If you struggle to sleep at night, what do you do to try and soothe yourself to sleep?

I don't, sleep is a luxury now.

But I'd just imagine random things until those imaginations became dreams. And pray.

7. What irritates you most about society?

Too damn pragmatic.

8. Think of your oldest friend. If you met them now do you think you would still become friends?

Sure. Memories are nice to have, even when they're locked in the past.

9. Something you love to do, but feel guilty about after/during?

Eating and eating and eating and eating and --

10. think back 2 months ago, were you in a relationship?
Nopez

Also on my read list, An Abundance of Katherines :)

glimmerglass

Today, in church, I pictured myself in a vast field in the middle of nowhere. I was at the top of some ruin of what used to be a fortress or something, but apart from that, nothing, no one. The overgrown grass danced in the breeze, the clouds in the sky moved almost unnoticeably and it was just insanely peaceful and I was just talking to God out loud, like that escapade was meant for me to put aside everything and reconnect. I found myself just feeling sad from how much I want, no, need to escape, even just for a little while.

I've been thinking of making a trip to the helix bridge or sentosa boardwalk alone, just to be alone and lost in my thoughts because I am an introvert like that and solitude is pretty darn awesome.

Maybe that's a nicer way of saying loner.

Anyhow, call me crazy, but this holiday, rewinding is just as important to me as studying for CTs, because if not now, then when the hell? A year and half from now, after A's drive me mad? Uh yeah, how 'bout no.

You could say that I'm rediscovering my love for reading, or maybe I'm just grasping on to it because getting lost in fiction is hell a lot more enjoyable than the reality of mugging.  I've already finished one book (Warm Bodies, was pretty good but not exactly my kind of genre), and I got a few from NLB yesterday. Looking forward to afternoons in cafes, with a cup of (overpriced) coffee and a book. My kind of afternoon. :)

yeah, what CTs?

Hey look, prose.

IFeelsickanddisappointedandunhappyandannoyedand---
Butokaywhatever

Stillalive.

MADE IT THROUGH THE FIRST SEM.
Which means my SH life is more than 25% over, and that is scary as hell.
It has been a pretty okay sem I guess, I'm quite happy with how I ended it off :)
And considering I hardly had time, or rather, I couldn't be bothered to update, I don't exactly remember the details hahaha.

Results-wise, I think I'm doing okay? Not amazing, but sufficiently well I suppose. But /gulp/ CTs.
God will fight my battles

Also, I'm incredibly happy with the choices I made regarding my CCAs.

Guitar has been one helluva ride, from SYF to concert. It hasn't been easy, and I don't think it ever will be, but it's really worth the effort. I'm so thankful for all the people - batchmates, Bass, etc - and for every experience so far.

As for YAs, I'll admit that I haven't been the most participative person, because Guitar clashes with everything :( But I'm convinced that I made the right decision in choosing to take a second CCA :) PLTC was just last week, and that really did renew my passion. Then there was PDP today for the Y6s, which was incredibly surreal. I'm going to miss them so much </3 In all of this, I just got this swelling sense of pride in being in such a unique, beautiful family, and for all the ridiculous memories and amazing friendships that will follow me through. Thank God for setting me on this path, really :)


But I'm really burned out after all of that :(
There's PW to do, plus CTs to mug for -- I really don't want to screw up either.
Still, I'll take any form of a break I can get.
Volunteering @ Sundown with Amanda tmr, then BANGKOKKKKKKKK next week.
Can't wait :)

x

Life is far too mundane to pen down.
There are ups, there are downs, and then there's the monotonous track that goes on and on and on and on with no end in sight

Please tell me this gets better

To summarise my life the past month,

I did okay for tests.
Gonggong passed away (:(), there's a long half written post in my drafts that I couldn't bring myself to complete about it
SYC came and went, DHSGE got a distinction
Concert prep started; is still ongoing.
Busy as hell, (almost) as unmotivated as ever
that's about it really.

If I could do anything, go anywhere in the world right now, I'd get onto a plane (SIA, no less) and fly to the UK.
Say I had a month of freedom. And an unlimited cash supply.
I'd visit a small town first, maybe in Ireland. Or York, or Lake District.
I guess I'd spend 2 days there tops.
I'd visit a church there, a quaint old one with roots that go wayyyy back when.
I'd sit in cafes, get ice cream cones, watch leaves fall and ducks swim and people walking, just anything to take my mind off things -- and that'll be the start of my much needed unwinding.
Then I'd take a train to France or Switzerland, maybe Germany or Italy, where I'd just bask in the beauty of God's creation untouched by man.
That, and the timeless architecture artfully crafted by Those Who Lived Before.
All that, for 2 weeks, perhaps.

And when the city kid in me inevitably gets restless from the overwhelming peace, I'd head somewhere less remote.
Like Bath. Or Amsterdam.

Then I'll hit the big cities -- London, Paris, etcetc -- for the rest of my stay.

The unreachable nature of daydreams make them as painful as they are delightful.

Point is, this place is stifling and claustrophobic, and I hate that any form of escape is such a long way off :(

btIdntrlyknwwhttdo

one of those moments where i feel like i'm drowning in insecurity
oh, the things that i would change if i had the choice
but i don't
and i hate myself for being this shallow and self absorbed
because lets face it, there are bigger issues out there that need fixing

you can't make homes out of human beings

When my wings are tired and worn, and I am exhausted from flight- from fighting against the winds and the difficulties of life; You call to me.. You welcome me back home, to the place where I belong- into your arms, open and waiting for me. Though my journeys often cause me to stumble, trip, fail and fall- You replenish me, revive me and refresh me every time I seek You out. You fulfil my hunger, and quench my thirst- You mend my wings, and coat me with Your grace. I rest in You and I am restored. You prepare me every evening and every morning- and send me out into the world with Your blessing, surrounded by Your love. I am filled to overflowing, and fly in the strength of Your provision. How blessed I am that you tend to my emptiness, my brokenness and my shame. You tend to my weak and mild body- and remind me every morning, that Your mercies are new, and I am precious in Your sights. Thank You Lord, that You are forever holding me near.

Seventeen

Seventeen doesn't feel all that different from sixteen (no duh)
Sixteen was pretty okay, as good as teenage years get i suppose.

Celebrated w the z-for-ma-tion girls (LOL) on tuesday, and with 43rd batch today :)

-

Aaand the rest of this isn't going to be very birthday-esque but I just need space to mull over what has been weighing on my mind recently. Soooo. /activate philosophical mode/

If there were one thing I'd change about myself, for sure it'd be to be more outgoing, to be less of a socially awkward panda.
These days, I'm taking introvertedness to a whole new level. Maybe it's the stress from school that is keeping me too tired to want to interact with other human beings, but isolation/being invisible suits me pretty darn well (please don't take this personally). But still I can't help but wonder what it'd be like to be able to gel with people instantly rather than hiding in the shadows until I'm sure that the light doesn't burn (terrible metaphor, I'm sorry). But yeah.

Aaaand I'm just getting so dissatisfied with the way I am. Mediocre. Mediocre smart, mediocre (if at all) cool, not _____ enough and it's really getting to me. And opportunities to build any future like I imagined are slipping through my fingers one by one, and I'm realising that the future as based very much on the present. In which case, the outlook doesn't seem all that bright.

Just, nothing's really going the way I'd hoped, and this is a pretty crappy hole to be in.

swarmed

Oh gosh it's nearly the middle of the march hols this is ridiculous.
Too many things to complete, like the damned PI, among others.
:(

To think i was naive enough to believe that my feelings would matter to you if I were to break down and be completely honest

But it's all about you and your image and your feelings and your screwed up idea of an ideal world and your schedule and you

And I don't even think it matters for a minute to you how hard I'm trying to take things in my stride and not be a self centered teenager. I honestly prided myself on that for a moment there, for being somewhat mature enough to accept the fact that shit happens and that the world is not a wish granting factory.

But I am just a burden to you and for that, I'm terribly sorry.

oh my gosh deborah you fool

(thanks tumblr)

Scarily Accurate List of INFJ Traits

• Reveal certain truths / conceal others
• Have only one or two close friends
• Actor/actress when dealing with different people
• Very sensitive to criticism / rejection
• Complicates the world around them
• Passive aggressive 
• Feels optimistic about humanity / feels humanity’s sufferings
• The world is doomed
• Constantly thinking / observing / internalizing
• Thoughtful and pays attention to detail
• Future-oriented
• Knows exactly what will please / tick off others
• Positive/negative manipulation/influence
• Strangely perfectionist about certain things
• Not very practical with real-world applications
• Holds intelligence to high standard
• Critical stress causes impulsive decisions
• Wants to become a better person - perfectionism almost kills
• Insecure
• Needs confirmation of reciprocated feelings
• Takes forever to open up about self
• Needs time to recharge

(Bolded ones apply to me imo)
yuuuuuuuuup.

Need to do 10x better in so damn many aspects

But first, I need to refocus on what matters most -- God.

This whole chain of self absorbed-ness and self appreciation gets pretty darn stupid.
And grimly hilarious.
It's sad how humans can see as far as their own wellbeing and concerns go.

I wonder how blind and myopic I get.

Two more years

And if that doesn't work out, shit.

Gems

Back from suuuuchhhh an incredible evening :)
Had dinner with some YAs + Krytral&Yapqi, then chilled at starbucks with xq yq and zeph.
Went completely mental as always, perhaps even more extreme, but I guess that's what stress makes of us.
<3 :)
And really -- it was just what I needed to rewind from 3 (4?) harrowing weeks of school.
&&& a nice segway into the most dysfunctional cny yet

**
And this, I wrote a couple of days ago but didn't have the time to finish.
**

(Today, for the first time in 6+ years, I'll attempt posting in regular paragraphs.)

4 weeks of school down, that was faaast.

I'm more or less settled in I guess. I've found some form of balance between 2 ccas and schoolwork, for now, however precarious. 5c34 is a pretty cool environment, definitely different from 1/2L and 3/4J, but I'm really happy with my class and (most) teachers :) So yeah, at this moment in time, I'm feeling pretty okay. Of course I could do with a few more hours a day (for sleep, mostly) and a teleport machine among other things but yknow,  okay.

In a nutshell, Monday is filled with Monday blues but a manageable timetable -- other than first period econs where Mrs Ng vents her Monday blues on us before giving a pretty interesting lesson.

Tuesday is horrible, with tutorials then 3 straight hours of lectures, a break, then another (useless for now) pw lecture.

Wednesdays are short and sweet, but there's guitar until 6+ so yup. Mornings also involve me lugging my mammoth of a bass guitar to school, which can lead to pretty embarrassing and unglam situations, same goes for Friday. Guitar is cool though, it isn't easy for me but the accomplishment from improving is really indescribable. Need to improve loadz for syc though, I really hope the effort will pay off. Also, lunch with ex classmates/guitar tests during h1 period :)

Thursdays are kind of uneventful, but it's my free afternoon so usually I use it to chiong home @ no life/chill #ultimateintrovert

Aaaand finally, Fridays. Guitar in the morning, Guides (sometimes) in the afternoon, then usually dinners that are always incredibly enjoyable :D

Between days I try to pull myself out of the ditch of lectures and tutorials I find myself drowning in.
Try to practise guitar too.
And visit gonggong (pray he'll be alright :/)
And do household chores
And not go insane (yet)

nobody said this would be easy

It must be too early in the year to feel this burnt out.

Right now,

I am so frustrated with my mother's incessant nagging and nitpicking that I am this close to tears
My throat hurts like a bitch
I'm kind of tired but math
Uniform okay idek wth
Going over events of late and not entirely satisfied with myself/ where I am
Not sure if that was the right decision
Applications not filled out at all

Not a good night

Tgif tmr tho.

If it is God's will, then there's really no need for me to worry.
And if it isn't, then it's okay -- God knows better than I do.

Unitas '13; 5c34 :)

Really tired but I'm gonna blog about orientation before I forget and while I still have the time hahahah.

Had orientation last week :D
(So this is pretty delayed but anw)
It was insanely fun, went cray high on the 2nd and 3rd day esp :)
5c34 is a really nice class to be in, everyone was super enthu and nice hahaha.
Anw the highlight of orientation was def the last day.
During dinner we had an impromptu cheer war, I honestly don't know who started it.
But all of us (mostly y5s) were just on the canteen tables and chairs screaming our lungs out cheering for our houses.
And it wasn't all unbridled rivalry -- we were cheering for each other too, because catchy cheers are really fun (kirin's boom dynamite cheer LOL), and it was such a warm, fuzzy feeling :)
Campfire came afterwards, and honestly it beat every guides campfire hands down whoops
Okay it was a completely different type of campfire, admittedly but point is, I really had a blast.
I think we all did. :)
Went for supper w 34 after that yup.

Okay that really doesn't do justice to the insane fun I had but nevermind idrc rn lol.

Now to fold the clothes because my mum apparently thinks I'm as free as ever

Lessons start tmr
Sigh


“If you can’t see the sun you will be impressed with a street light. If you’ve never felt thunder and lightning you’ll be impressed with fireworks. And if you turn your back on the greatness and majesty of God you’ll fall in love with a world of shadows and short-lived pleasures.” John Piper

Here's to an academic year spent with God, for God.

When it comes to you and your bullshit I just can't.
I get that you're all stressed up, but do you really have to take it out on me every single time?
It's like the moment you lose it my faults just multiply a hundredfold.
Now excuse me while I pour myself into schoolwork so I can leave his erratic hellhole in 2 years
 -

 I'll blog about the epic fun that was orientation but for now I just don't have the time or mood to do so

Knots.

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH O LEVEL RESULTS IN LESS THAN 24 HOURS
I MEAN, I KNOW  HAVE LIKE, 1 PAPER AND THIS IS BORDERING ON WHINING, BUT I'M JUST REALLY NERVOUS OKAY.

Really praying for the faith to believe that all things are made perfect in God's will, whatever the outcome is.

That aside, the past few days have been lectures+orientation.
Really like being in 5C34, I don't think I've had a class that clicked as easily within the first couple of days.
And I'm in DRAKON :D
Yup orientation has been super fun :)
I guess everyone in the level more or less knows each other so that makes things a lot better
Having a sore throat and random cheers ringing through my head after today lol

OKAY dota tmr, gogogogogogo drakon :)

-

Do you ever just read your bible to read it out of love for your Father rather than to find doctrinal and theological truths? Do you ever just read it to be captivated by his love that is displayed in his word? 


I think it's about time

#UK2015

motivation for the years ahead, if anything.

it's scary what a long shot this is

SCHOOL STARTS TOMORROWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

In like, 8.5 hours.

Bleh.

Holidays really flew by haha.
Didn't exactly put them to good use, spending way way too much on youtube, tumblr, etc.
Life suckers
But spent a good deal of time with friends as well, aaaand sufficient alone time to keep the introvert in me happy
Pretty good holiday I guess :)

The past week was a blast, guitar+2L chalet

Too tired to formulate full sentences,
I just wanted to post to start the academic year right --

I have no idea what y5, or JC life may bring, what challenges lie in store, what ups and downs the year holds, but I just put it all into God's hands, I surrender.

All glory to God.