Well, hello from 2019! It's been awhile but I'm here, a graduated and kind-of adult and all.
It feels terribly odd posting here, in this space that has seen my transformation from a painfully cringe-worthy 11 year-old (honestly, I die a bit inside every single time I decide to look through old posts) to a still-cringey-but-more-lost-than-anything 20 year-old. I've been away for almost three years to the date, because somewhere along the way, I found other places to deposit my thoughts — physical journals, Dayre, password-protected notes, etc etc etc. And yet, as I was thinking about penning down the barrage of thoughts and emotions that have been flooding my mind over graduation, it somehow seemed only right that I would come back here to do it.
As I read my posts from year 1, I’m taken aback but how I seemed so anxious and, to a certain extent, miserable I was. Even more so, I am amazed by how God turned around (almost) every single situation I felt most helpless in. But I found this chunk of text that I wrote this as I turned 21, so maybe it’s about time I acknowledge and accept that this is just how God works — He shows up and does the unimaginable when I am at my lowest.
The greatest thing I've learned over the rollercoaster that was my teenagehood is probably that God works in really, really mysterious ways and most of the time, it isn't apparent until I look back on the crazy coincidences and think about how nicely things lined up. So here's to putting the next phase of my life in God's hands, and trusting that I'll make it through the ups and downs by His grace.
In my mind, I characterise the years in SMU based mainly on the things that I struggled with. In Year 1, it was feeling like I didn’t have any friends in SMU apart from Tessa and Shanice and not having been selected for any OCSP. In Year 2-4, grades and finding an internship/ job took centre stage.
It’s kind of poignant posting here again as well — I obviously didn’t know it back then, but that first summer break was a turning point of sorts, and everything I have grown to cherish about my time in SMU somehow flowed from there. The last time I wrote here, this was how my summer had gone — Potatepotatepotate > workworkworkwork > AIP > Japan > Ekklesia Camp > Korea > Aspi.
It’s kind of poignant posting here again as well — I obviously didn’t know it back then, but that first summer break was a turning point of sorts, and everything I have grown to cherish about my time in SMU somehow flowed from there. The last time I wrote here, this was how my summer had gone — Potatepotatepotate > workworkworkwork > AIP > Japan > Ekklesia Camp > Korea > Aspi.
Somehow in AIP, I was at the right place at the right time when the bidding results came in and I found out I had missed my bids. I was upset, naturally, that things hadn’t gone according to plan. Janelle suggested that I bid for Ops, since her group wasn’t full, and in some beautiful way I found my closest group of friends from SMU. I made other friends in Year 2 that have made all the difference in my years in SMU, that I have taken classes with and ranted to and struggled with. I went from being worried about not having anyone to take classes with to having a trusted group of friends to do projects with, from the really small, boring ones to the biggest one, Capstone, which was such a great experience in so many ways. On Graduation Day, I found myself running around looking for friends to take pictures with, somewhat surprised to realise that I’d found so many people that I will miss seeing every other day.
Through Aspi camp, however short-lived and trivial that whole thing seems now, I found the courage to ask to be a part of Vikasa. I remember being terrified as I sent that text in the dark in Mummy’s room, being worried about another bout of rejection, this time from a friend. I remember there nerves as I met them in the GSR on level 1 of SOB, not entirely sure if it was an interview or a chat, not daring to expect anything. But then India came and went, I had the best time and the rest, I suppose, is history. The company was great, the work was (I hope) meaningful, and so many moments since then I’ve thought about how I wouldn’t have swapped that experience for any of the other projects I hadn’t gotten into. Vikasa also became my go-to for anecdotes in cover letters and interviews — teamwork, leadership, global exposure, you name it.
Which brings me to the next thing I struggled with — finding an internship/ job. This seems silly now that I look back, but it really scared me over and over, year after year. My grades were consistently better-than-average through uni, but I couldn’t land any of the ~prestigious~ internships, probably for my lack of willingness to step out of my comfort zone in doing any extracurriculars (oops), and that brought me to some devastating lows. But every year, I went through the same thing: send out 2189783281 applications > attend/ mess up interviews > get really sad and anxious and make a lot of GOD WILL MAKE A WAY ! statements while being sad and anxious > get a job that pays pretty well + has great hours (while worrying that I’m not learning enough). It happened every year, all the way until I landed this job, and even now. I said sometime last year that I had a feeling I would end up working for a mid-tier former bank, that it wouldn’t be what I expected but I would be happy about it. It’s scary how right about that I was. Now I don’t know what the future holds, but through whatever uncertainty there is to come, I hope I will look back on this and remember that God provides, even when it isn’t on the timeline I’d like.
The whole learning-to-trust-God thing also manifested, albeit on a smaller scale, every semester as the perfectionist in me battled anxiety over grades. I never did not-well, but I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t spend every semester thinking that that would be it, that my run of having excellent grades would be over. I don’t know if I’ll ever stop doubting myself, or if I will finally overcome the post-exam anxiety that seems to have gotten worse over the years (even as I started performing better). I know without doubt that I have not reached this point by my own ability, and that for reasons I haven’t yet figured out, God has blessed me and helped me achieve many things academics-wise. (That being said, I hope to one day not feel like a fraud whenever someone calls me smart.)
And now, on to the good bits of the last 4 years, the things that shine brightest when I think about what kept me going.
I absolutely cannot write a reflection on my time in SMU without mentioning Exchange. Everything turned out not as I’d imagined. I chose Milan, not some town in France, but grew to love Italy in so many ways I don’t know where to begin. I somehow applied with Russ instead of going solo as I’d expected, and then we found roommates and everything just fell into place seamlessly. It was so nice finally living abroad, being independent and in some small way, living the university experience I’d dreamt of for so many years. I’ve always been enamoured by Europe, and getting to travel to all those cities on a whim was truly a dream come true. Even now, every other day the memory of random spot in Milan/ Europe or a specific food that we ate at some point pops in my mind, and I find myself missing those 5 months with every bit of me. I loved every last bit of those 5 months, and given the chance, I would relive it over and over and never get tired of it.
To say that I am thankful for my friends from Dunman would a huge, huge understatement. As we left Dunman in 2014, I honestly don’t think I expected so many friendships to last this long. The closest ones from Guides, I don’t think I ever questioned, but sometimes I’m amazed by how after 10 years and very different paths and a lot of growing up, we’re still as close as we were then. We joke a lot about being each others’ stand-in boyfriends, but I can’t imagine how lonely these years would have been without this rock solid circle of support. Somehow most of my friends in uni, new and old, were from Dunman, and the 大家庭 thing is so corny but also very accurate.
And last but not least, family. There have been ups and downs, admittedly more downs than most people (I think), over the past 10 years, but these things have shaped me so tangibly that there is no questioning “what if”, because an alternate world where I grew up in a conventional, whole family would mean that I wouldn’t even be the same person right now. However flawed my parents are, they are strong and good and there is so much I love and appreciate and admire them for. Because of their support and love for me, there has always been enough motivation to keep me pressing on. I guess the TLDR is this — however difficult things have been, I am thankful for my family, and proud of myself for not becoming the child-from-a-dysfunctional-family cliché I so feared.
So here I am, a fresh graduate, 3.5 months into working life. I don’t like boasting, I get uncomfortable talking about my achievements (interviews being the exception) but I think I’ll do it just this once (also bc I don’t expect anyone to read this lel). I have graduated Summa Cum Laude with a perfect GPA and a job that I really like and pays more than I’d hoped. I graduated surrounded by family and friends that have stood with me every step of the way and made me feel enough every single time I felt less then. I don’t write this with the intention of resting on my laurels, but in this moment I just want to stop, look back, take a deep breath, and thank God for getting me here. Any form of struggle feels so far away right now, but I have four years of sporadic journal entries detailing every mountain, every moment where the anxiety felt too much to bear and I questioned if I would ever get to a place of contentment. In hindsight, my biggest giants, the things that I worried about most, seem so inconsequential. I know that I’ve gotten here by God’s grace. At every stage in my life thus far, the thread that has run constant is the assurance of God’s love and the peace in believing that His plan that eclipses the mountains in my life. Whatever lies ahead, this I will hold on to.
