Family Affair

So tonight was the annual fireman's recognition banquet of my firehall. My whole family is involved, has been in one form or another as long as I can remember. This year as I took President of the fire dept my mom has gotten more involved than ever. Tonight not only did I run the program, I got to award my mom with one of the largest honors we award to our members.

The membership puts in nominations for the 2 members that they feel have went above and beyond in the benefit of the fire dept in mind, Firefighter of the year is awarded to the person proving that of the firefighting end of the department. Fire Person of the year goes to the member that goes above and beyond in the other ares of the department. Tonight I got to award my mom that honor.

I was nervous to begin with, then I got handed the results of the awarding, and as I'm reading what I was to read to lead up to the award I looked at the Chief and said, 'I don't know if I can get thru this.' He said it will be that much more special coming from her daughter! I had to stop and pull my composure as I looked up and saw the shock on my mom's face as I started to read. It was a wonderful experience!

And here's her beautiful plaque. Love you Mom!

4 strikes, I'm stupid

So, just when I think I can do it, can coegsist with someone from my past with common friends, it didn't work out so well. With everything that has been going on, went out with friends last night. Had a few beers, pretended he wasn't there for a while, decided when we were done I made plans go to and meet up with other friends, he heads the same direction. My friends outcasted him, he left, I laid my phone on the bar and my friends replied to his msgs. Friends left, I'm at the bar thinking how much time I had to hang out and drink water before I could get home.....he calls, begging that I call when I get home so he knows I made it okay. Get off phone, go back into bar, phone rings again....he's 2 minutes away coming to get me! Drives me home, comes in deals with drunk me fall apart, wipes my tears away....I don't get it.....I apologize profusely...and I'm still fallin apart here.

Why can't I just move on? He's made his choice, I'm not it! Why am I doing this to myself?

Education

Sometimes I feel silly taking the essentials class I'm taking, since I SHOULD have done it years ago....other times I feel like its good that I take it with my 'kids' so that when they come back and say 'we were taught this way' I can back them up and say, yeah the instructor taught us this. I'm being such a fire education sponge. I took pump class, if we hadn't had essentials today I'd have been at EVOC class right now. I'm hoping to take a safety officers course at the end of the month, will have to drive to a school about an hour away for that.

Tonight I have to help the momma make food for tomorrows drivers...then its home to be lazy and park it on the couch for movies....

How is everyone this weekend?

2 in a row....watch out.....

Tam will be so proud!

I felt a bit better last night, but its not all off my chest, dunno if it'll ever be. Have msged back and forth with both of my M.I.A. friends today, imagine that, i rant and I get nice things from the other one.

Woke up this morning to an email from the disgruntled friend I went out with Saturday night and panicked on. I have been playing the avoiding act, I just can't imagine spending time with him right now, I'm embarrassed! He wants to act like nothing happened, and i myself can't do it. He was going to go to my banquet with me, he asked about it and with this unknowing with the panics, I am going to be nervous enough w/o adding worrying about that happening again, I told him I think I'm going to go alone. It will surely be a short evening anyway. I'm one of the younger bunch, and I don't stay out real late these days.

I came home and stayed busy today, cleaned, found my kitchen counter AND table! Have laundry going, scrubbed up my hot stones, did my dishes, and made lots of jello shots for the dance this weekend.

Now its lazy time, shower, the bestest is coming in for Grey's.

Okay, guess I didn't unload so much, not so sure how to say things.....

Breathe in, Breathe out....

Hey, imagine this, I'm still alive, CRAZY busy though!

Work, volunteer, maybe a massage here and there, sleep, repeat. that's about the extent.

Life hasn't dealt me much to brag about these days. I've always felt that God puts people in your path in life for a reason, though sometimes I wonder why they keep crossing the path to inflict hurt. I've lost in the last 2-2 1/2 months people that have been very close to me, and I let very near and dear to my heart. Mind you, they still breathe air, and walk among the living, they just don't take up the space in my presence that they used to. And it hurts....very much it hurts. I have many times sat down here and wanted to vent, but things have been too raw.

I come home one night to read a blog about how one 'friend' has been 'USED' I wanted to scream 'LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT USED...and how about abused?!?!?!?!' Other friend, I want so badly to keep in my life, and am having a very hard time putting feelings aside.

I so wish I was better at expressing myself with things, then I have to worry about someone coming across this and blowing it out of proportion or reading more into it than there is.

Aside from the over-emotional person I am being very active, I have been very busy, I'm trying to be an educational sponge, I'm taking classes anywhere I can. Taking my Essentials, which is long overdue. Just took a pump class last weekend, hoping to take EMT in the spring, but that idea may change, so as to not have to run calls w/ certain people.

Even went out on a date the other night, w/ a long time friend...it didn't go so well, we had lots of fun, but and I can't quite figure this one out...on the way home he was joking around, put his hand on my leg made a funny and I freaked out... It bothers me, I've never had a panic attack before, and I don't think it was a full fledged one, but none the less something happened, and it wasn't good! I had a similar experience last night, not something that has ever happened to me, I wasn't in danger in any way shape or form, was with friends on both occassions. I don't get it, whats wrong with me? On top of the whats wrong w/ me, went to the dr Saturday, he gave me meds to try to get my female troubles all figured out.....we shall see.

Okay, I lost all angles I was shooting for, time to try to sleep.....

Angry & Irritated!!!

Know its been a while since my last post. Haven't had much worth posting, and what is worth posting, hasn't been really anything I have the freedom to post about.

All day today I've gotten looked at funny and asked what was wrong. You know how u wake up and are in a fairly great mood considering that it IS the butt-crack of dawn and Monday and ur at work, then ppl just start making comments and they strike a nerve and it sets the mood for the whole day? Today was one of those days.

So I wake up and lie in bed waiting for my good morning message that I've become so accustomed to getting, and was off to a late start cause it didn't come this morning, no problem, was running late, no biggie. Get moving, get to work and a couple ppl start cause I took a couple of days off. I really don't like my job much these days, there are a few ppl that I love to death, but mostly I just get aggrivated. So, my blood pressure goes up a bit, and I decide its best to just put my headphones on and ignore the world. And I keep getting madder as I go, cause I had an AWESOME WEEKEND!!!! And I can't share it, cause I don't want criticism that I know will come if I start talking about the wonderful happenings of my long weekend. So I sit and stew. THEN I get pulled out of the room and asked if everything is okay with me by the safety person cause I'm quiet and withdrawn. I told her I was taught if i had nothing nice to say don't say anything at all.....she said oh okay and walked away.

Then I come home and realized I was going to have a lonely evening at home to sulk. Last week we were so bad about putting everything else in life off and being fairly lazy and it was great, this week its back to reality. I honestly don't know if I'll be doing anything other than work and firehall the rest of the week. I gave my best friend a massage and we hung out and talked for most of the evening. I'm now clean and currently annoyed by the fact that the best friend that just left is txt msging me knowing that I had to charge the phone and its way across the room. *grrrr*


Off to bed with me, lets hope tomorrows a better day.

Lonely

Still alive, computer crashed, I couldn't remember my password then there's the whole procrastination thing.

Today is a real sappy day. I miss my friends. I miss being a part of a couple, today that's a big thing for me. I was sitting here remembering things, talking to a friend who's away at school, and long for nothing more than to curl up on the couch with someone I know cares about me. My 2 best friends are off, one is being healthy and off doing her exercises, the other is being manipulated and monopolized by someone I can't stand, and if I voice those opinions I get told I'm just being jealous and to drop it.

My friend Rae needs many hugs for all that is going on in her world, and I wouldn't dare bother her with my pettyness and sappyness, which I know is all it is. And my 2 newer growing ever closer friends, one is stranded in the mountains at school in all this snow, and the other was to come in tonight but I am too afraid to drive on the crappy roads.

The dog is sitting here watching the tv cause there is a dog on tv barking, before that he was behind me growling at a toy, he doesn't even want bothered with me tonight *haha*

Alright, this isn't helping much....til next time...