Wednesday, 24 February 2010
Toby's photoshoot.
A friend from SANDS (Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Society) is a photographer. She gifted us with a photoshoot to welcome Toby to the world. Here he is, aged 4 weeks:
Monday, 15 February 2010
Greedy.
I want to have all four of my children. I want to raise both the sons and both the daughters I have birthed. I should be grateful - I AM *so* grateful for Ben and Lucy and Toby but I miss Emma. Toby hasn't changed that.
When we attending counselling with our bereavement midwife, she used the metaphor of Emma's death as a great big black ball. She said that as time passed and as we mourned we'd find things to wrap the ball up in. Gradually we'd find more things to stretch over it, we'd get more adept at covering the ball but, crucially, the ball would remain the same size forever. It would never shrink. Toby has provided us with so much wrapping for the big, black ball of our grief but it is true. The absence of Emma remains as big and as tragic and as sad as it ever was, as it always will be. I stood by her grave with Dave, just after Toby was born, and told him I wanted them both. "I know", he said, "I'm greedy like that too."
When we attending counselling with our bereavement midwife, she used the metaphor of Emma's death as a great big black ball. She said that as time passed and as we mourned we'd find things to wrap the ball up in. Gradually we'd find more things to stretch over it, we'd get more adept at covering the ball but, crucially, the ball would remain the same size forever. It would never shrink. Toby has provided us with so much wrapping for the big, black ball of our grief but it is true. The absence of Emma remains as big and as tragic and as sad as it ever was, as it always will be. I stood by her grave with Dave, just after Toby was born, and told him I wanted them both. "I know", he said, "I'm greedy like that too."
Wednesday, 3 February 2010
Mad about the Boy.
I've gone quiet. I'm sorry. It's just that if it comes to a choice between catching up on my blog or one more snuggle with my delicious boy, then the snuggles win hands down!
He is two weeks old - and gorgeous. He is feeding well and getting to be a chubby little thing. He has perfected his Queen Victoria impression and quite often pulls his "we are not amused" face whilst asleep. I could sit for hours and watch the different expressions flit across his face. I wonder if Emma visits him in his dreams. I have told him about her. I remember reading "An Exact Replica ..." and crying when Elizabeth McCracken describes whispering Pudding's story into the ear of newborn baby Gus. The night he was born, I did the same for Toby. I described Emma to him. It pleases me that he will grow up hearing her name spoken.
Here he is:
He is two weeks old - and gorgeous. He is feeding well and getting to be a chubby little thing. He has perfected his Queen Victoria impression and quite often pulls his "we are not amused" face whilst asleep. I could sit for hours and watch the different expressions flit across his face. I wonder if Emma visits him in his dreams. I have told him about her. I remember reading "An Exact Replica ..." and crying when Elizabeth McCracken describes whispering Pudding's story into the ear of newborn baby Gus. The night he was born, I did the same for Toby. I described Emma to him. It pleases me that he will grow up hearing her name spoken.
Here he is:
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