Mr Taufiq can I please go to the toilet?

As one student said to me, gripping his crotch area in a sense of urgency.

Me: My dear, can you walk?

Student: Yes cher, why leh?

Me: You asked if you can go to the toilet, I was wondering what would restrict you from going.

Student: Eh I can walk la cher, so can go ar?

Me: You can, but doesn't mean I allow you to go.

Student: But cher urgent!

Me: Ask me properly first

Student: Cher, MAY I PLEASE go to the toilet? *innocent face*

Me: Yes you m...*student rushes off to the toilet*


Honestly if you asked me what I wanted to do with my life when I had just graduated from poly, I'd just give you blank stare and give you the most uninspired answer ever, "don't know leh, work lor..."
And if you were to go into specifics on where to work, I'll just probably ignore you.

But I knew deep inside, I wanted to nurture people. So step one was to be a medic in NS. Nurturing? Not exactly. But I had my opportunities and I enjoyed it. Step two join a camp company that's all about leadership. I have to admit, I picked up a whole lot of stuff during my time as a camp facilitator, be it the good things and the bad. Step three, work with students who are passionate(or semi-passionate, or, ok, bo-chap) about band. And through all these experiences, I believe I am ready for my next step. Will it be my final step? Honestly I have no clue. But what I do know, is that every step, is a stepping stone towards a greater sense of satisfaction in nurturing. I really hope to touch even more lives and improve myself even further. =]

In other news, I've finally registered for bike license. I'm giving myself 3 months to pass my tests and get myself a bike by the 4th month. Aiming for that Yamaha FZ16. Oh and I've stopped bothering about things that has to do with the matters of the heart. It's tiring, draining, and just stupid. Will be focusing my energy on the friends and close friends that I have now, pumping in lots of positivity and spreading more joy to the world.

Till the next time, Mr Taufiq signing off...

Bai Too Faur, Ek-Oh Too Phaive

By far the hardest year in my whole life...
More downs than ups...
There's a particular down that's like a punch to my gut, will talk about that on my other blog...
This blog is to focus on the positive, so here we go...

Having given the chance to teach band, has to be one of the greatest feeling I've ever gotten...
Also, despite this point being in the negative point eventually, but initially it was my biggest and strongest positive point ever in my life...
Long story short, I met the most amazing friend ever, and I screwed that up making her leave me. End of story.

And this year has been tough, mentally, physically and emotionally...
The stress of being this old and not have a stable job yet is really alarming...
And I'm not really that physically fit as I thought I was, the proof is in my failures for IPPT...
And emotionally I'm just a wreck...

Gosh why is this sounding so down...
OK. Honestly though, having the chance to teach the students that I got, I feel blessed...
They are not just my students, but they are like family to me...
I learn alot from them as did they from me...
And seeing them improve so much since the first time I saw them, simply amazing...

But I'm not gonna go down memory lane today. Why?
Cause today is not yet the day...
So instead, I'll say how much Pacific Rim is an awesome movie.
Seriously, those of you who haven't watched it yet, GO WATCH IT.
You can watch Despicable Me 2 after watching Pacific Rim.(I watched both already, and Pacific Rim is way more awesome)

Alrighty then, I've got nothing much to say...
Day 4 of fasting done, tomorrow is Day 5 and that makes it 26 more days to go.
Oh and I had a very bad stomachache this morning, didn't know if I was able to last, but I DID! Yay! =]

Okok I'll sign off now...

After listening to Justin Timberlake's Mirrors, all I can think of now is "Yesterday's history, Tomorrow's a Mystery, Today's a gift that's why it's called the present..."

Take care Y'all.

Hello June, Goodbye June.

If you could see me now, June
May has passed, now you're here to stay
For this brief moment we share this moment together
That tear drop will never stop flowing it
But for that moment, nothing else mattered

You were the greatest
Oh that smile, that smirk
Those accidental dimples, as you told me
Every crevice shows a story, every freckle another memory
I still remembered your touch, June

Oh gosh I sound like some obsessed lunatic
Truth is, moving on ain't a piece of cake
Not even close to the one I will not be having next month

You were always engrossed in a world of artists and stars
I don't mind it at all, heck I'm a fan of some bands myself
But when you push away those people who are real, and would rather accept those who aren't
It breaks me

June why must you be the month of solemness and sadness
June why do you have to be so quiet all the time
June... June.. June
Love hate relationships aren't healthy, but it's better than not feeling anything ever again...

June, your exit was marvelous, carefully planned and executed flawlessly
How could I be so dumb to see how little I meant to you
As compared to the exponentially large amount of care I had for you
You disappoint me June
You really did
But you're nothing but a month of nothing more than 30 days

It saddens me that we meet in such circumstances
You were all I looked forward to
Every morning, you're all I think of
It used to bring joy to my life
So why now June
You're so empty now
Meaningless
Why do you do this to me?
Haven't you had your fun yet?
Don't you know when enough is enough?

But it's okay
It's gonna be just 30 days
Then it will be July
Half the year just flew past me in a flash
And soon it's gonna be good bye June once more...

Of friends, of hearts

You're still on my mind...

I have longed forgotten, when I've had this sickness...
The constant coughing, the croaking of my voice...
At times it just gets so unbearable...
Despite all this, I still continue my job to teach...

To be honest, I have no idea what plague has fallen over me...
Might be lung disease, throat cancer, or BOTH!
And I've been having phlegm in my lungs since 2 months ago and it's not even recovering...
Did I visit a doctor you might ask?
Yes.
I did.
Was given lots of medication, including an asthma pump.
I took the medication, especially the anti biotic, but somehow I kept forgetting to take it and eventually stopped taking as I felt better...
Oh dear me.
How dumb was I.

So now I'm basically suffering worse as the plague in me has over powered the antibiotics...
Every morning I wake up to what feels like a bucket full of phlegm.
Talk about sounding like a  broken record, I literally sound like one...

And yes yes, I will get myself checked out soon enough...
But I would like to throw you a philosophical question though...
If you were meant to die, but you didn't, then it just means you're not meant to die yet, no?
But if I were to die, at least I would like to die in a state of happiness and in the company of friends...

I hope there're people out there who I've made friends with and I've given the opportunity to change their lives for the better...
So as I am writing this, I've got no clue who else will be reading this, but Shay if you're reading this, don't worry, I'm alright, nothing to worry about okay? =]

And to the rest of my unknown audiences(if any), if you would like to be my friend, just drop a comment for this blog post and I'll answer as soon as possible.

Again, thank you all for your time, and don't forget, Carpe Diem. =]

Ciao!

Staring into the Abyss

Don't look back.

How can I, when everything I see reminds me of you?

Accomplishment

I would post a picture here but, there ain't a picture that I would love to use, so this would be picture-less post.

About 5 months back, I embarked on this crazy adventure.
Actually being able to do what I love as work.
The place? Balestier Hill Secondary School.
Oh I remember the first time I set foot in the school. Had to walk one whole round and find where the band room was.
And finally finding the band room, I felt lost, outcasted.
Having known and taught one band my whole life, this was actually happening.

I stood there in one corner, conscious of every move I made, every breath I take.
The only familiar face I had there was my conductor, Ms Dorean Tan.
Somehow I felt this stench of negativity from the band.
I just felt something must have been horribly wrong.

My first job that I had to do with the band, was actually with the percussion section.
I had to make them watch this DVD which was in Japanese on how to play percussion instruments.
Honestly I had no idea what kind of impression I was making.
So the first person I actually held an actual conversation with was Bryan.
Throughout the lesson I noticed some people got bored, and since I was new, I didn't want to push anyone's buttons.

I guess what I felt was that for the first few weeks I was there, I kinda felt this separation between students and instructors.
Just felt this chilly cold feeling.
And sorry to say, I'm just not used to a zero-social-zone-feeling.
So I slowly but surely made small talk with some of the students.

And slowly, more and more students got to know who I am and how I work.
Things weren't always smooth I would say, but it wasn't that bad too.

Neways, skipping to the SYF part of things.
I really got to see my students grow and learn to inculcate music into their lives.
They learn to appreciate the lessons taught to them.
And no matter how much they get lectured by their conductor, they never gave up.

Now after 5 months, 5 grueling months of hardwork, sweat and tears.
All of it, is paid off by getting that Certificate of Accomplishment.
To those who don't know, Certificate of Accomplishment is roughly equivalent to a Silver in SYF.
I'm proud of my students...
But more than anything, I'm proud of the improvement they have made over these 5 months...
No matter the results, they will always be an awesome band filled with awesome players to me...

Thank you for this opportunity to be apart of a family of interesting people.
Each and every single one of you contributed to it.
BHSS Band, lets rock the house for Splendours 2013.
This time I will be conducting you guys, so, let's make beautiful music k guys? =]

Pictures and paintings can be tainted and torn,
But music will never die, it will always live on...

Unforgiven...

So well I tried reaching out, hoping for a second chance...
And I guess all that I got was being ignored again and again...
I know that all hope seems to be lost...
But I wouldn't want to think of it that way...

Hope is like energy, it cannot be created nor destroyed...
It can be shifted and it takes on many forms...
So yes, I still do believe we will be friends again one day...
I just hope that day comes before I cough out my last breath...

I'm sure she would know how fragile life could be...
The last few moments with her, I remembered she was feeling very ill...
And all I could do was hope that she was alright, my continuous prayers for her...
But somehow I messed it up, yes I know I messed it up real bad...

Somehow I just feel this is just the universe spitting back in my face for something I did in the past...
I admit, I did ignore a certain someone for a year or two...
That was due to my lack of compassion, I was lost...
But my heart gave in and I forgave that person and at least we're still on talking terms...

A rock, no matter how hard it is, when a stream of water runs through it, it will break...
Persistence and resilience...
I tried all the means I could to at least be acknowledged by her in some way...
But she completely shut me off, blocked me out, and pretend I never existed...
Yea I'm probably just one of those friends she would just push away...
Sucks to be me...
But well that's life...
The people you trust the most, push you down the hardest...
The people you wish would be there for you, just aren't...
Sometimes you just gotta depend on yourself...

Fact is, I tried to make things right again...
Maybe I just don't deserve the chance...
I have failed you, failed the friendship we had, and the promises we made...
And all I can say, is that I am Sorry...

Evenin' April...

Untouched, unharmed, unmodified, untainted...
In all it's innocence, this leaf didn't deserve it's fate...
But yet nature states, that for things to come down, they must first go up...
Just like the laws of socialism, out with the old, in with the new...

Now, it seems clear at first...
Straightforward, staring straight at you...
But to a thinker, one like mine, well, we think...
And I would agree, occasionally, that this might be a bad thing...
But give it a thought, everybody thinks...

Just that some of us prefer to scrutinize thinking things on a microscopic level...
The "What ifs..?" or the "I should've..."...
Just like the picture hovering above these meaningless strings of texts that you're reading, right, at, this, instant.
Has it ever occurred to you, why I would take a picture with two contrasting textures?
Or even, how hydrophobic that leaf actually is?

One might say, "BLASPHEMY! You're over-thinking something simple!"
Or am I?
What, or Who has the authority to judge ones way of thinking?
I say, you be your own Judge, Jury and Prosecutor...

For all you know, I'm simply just filling this empty time just before  2nd April comes, which in the matter of fact will happen in 5 mins from now.

And no I shall not indulge in filling in that 5 mins with sheer utter nonsense, though however...
I would like to make a mental note that tomorrow will be Balestier Hill Band's SYF...
Not that any of them would be reading this, but all I can say is...
You've come this far, you have been praised, insulted, dumbfounded, and even lectured for hours on end...
And it all comes down to those measly 10 minutes on stage infront of 7 Adjudicators who will "JUDGE" biasly  and you will be given a grade for your performance near the end of two weeks.
I would talk about my SYF experience, but I'll save that for when I can talk to you guys in person.

Till then, my 5 mins are up.
Let's make music.

Regret? Nope.

Those nights we spent just blabbering nonsense to each other.
When we would have a serious discussion over current events.
Or when you would just pour your heart out to me and I would just listen attentively.
Oh, not forgetting the night I made you whisper LOUDLY. You're such a bad whisperer... =p
I do not regret those moments. I cherish them, alot.
And every night as I stare up to the skies just thinking of us being friends, it brings a smile to my face.
Sure, we had our fights, our arguments and our down times, but that's what friends do.
I read a quote once and it said, "Ships are safe in the dock, but that's not what a ship was built for"
Friendship is just like any ship(figuratively speaking, of course)
There will be those days where your opinion gently clash against theirs...
You'll either dismiss it off with a short chuckle and utter words like "Oh sure SURE you're right" sarcastically...
And there will be days where your views clash violently with theirs, like a ship steering through a raging storm, the more you try to tame the seas, the more it fights back.
And that story has two endings:
The ship survives the storm and gained an upgrade in stability or;
The ship sinks deeper than an inverted Mount Everest.

The thing is, nothing will ever prepare you for a raging storm. It's unpredictable.
The thought of two opposing feelings going head to head in a boxing match and both sides are throwing punches at each other with utter biasness.

I've been battered, beaten and bruised through lots of friendships before.
But this is the one and only friendship I treasured the most.
I tried so hard to hold on tightly that it felt more like suffocating rather than comforting.
I wished for too much and gave so little.
And even though I know she's never coming back, I'll always honour her memories positively cause that's what she would have wanted.

Thank you, Ms Guo Junzhu aka Junnieer.

=]

Waiting for a friend to call, and say they're alive

I came back with the believe, that everyone I love is gonna leave me...

I got nothing left inside of my chest, but it's all alright...

I have nothing, but numbness...
The emptiness is calm, and welcoming...
I feel like I'm nestled within this melancholy of a shadow...
The light is so glaring, my eyes begin to hurt...

This inviting darkness, calling for me...
Many would associate darkness with negativity...
Why? When black signifies Bold and Confidence...
Often a misunderstood colour, it stood strong never to falter...

Darkness to me is peace, when you close your eyes...
To find that resolve, that inner voice...
The one that tells you, "You don't need them..."
And the deeper you go, you would expect depression to follow...

But no. Depression is only a subset, a process towards discovering peace...
There's no up with no downs, no air when the sound drowns...
There's just you, in the darkness all alone...
No matter how loud you scream, no one will hear you moan...

Yup, I'm quite messed up...
But I embrace it, I don't question it's judgments...
I let it flow, so I know those who are with me, are those that are true...
Cause when shit hits the fan, you will see who's willing to go through the same shit as you...

Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.
- I guess you made me believe I'm stupid.

We're not Broken, Just Bent

It has been tough
No doubt, you threw me away like a broken toy
But I don't blame you
I admit I am broken
Maybe just unfixable by you

I appreciate all the effort you took, you tried, for me
It's my fault for asking for too much, demanding for attention
I had no right
I am sorry
I never thought you'd ever leave
Oh contraré, I'm the one that took you for granted

But why did you have to leave?
Shut me off like I was nothing
I admit I wanted to run away, forget everything
But you're better at that than me
How you simply ignore and push away things which holds painful memories
How you make yourself believe nothing happend
Like a distant dream, nightmare

I envy you
The ability to just shut those people who meant something to you
Standing tall like nothing ever affected you
You used to say I was strong, no
No I am not, you're stronger
For running away, not looking back
But hey, as the saying goes, you can't chase your future when your eyes are still focusing on the past
Which can only mean I'm part of your past now, where I truly rightfully belong
I should never have entered your life to begin with
Knowing the damage I'll cause

If I had a time machine, I'd stop myself from knowing you
Knowing the hurt I would do to you
Knowing how disappointed you would be with me
Knowing I'd eventually lose you

But we both know that's impossible
Now I've gotta live with this unforgivable guilt I'll hold in my heart through my life time
I will need to learn to trust again
Learn to believe again
Learn to love again
Cause being scarred like this wasn't what I ever thought of
I thought I treated you well, you were always my top most priority
I guess I was just too over bearing...

I don't even dare to read your blogs anymore
Which was also why I deleted you off on all my accounts
That night when you said good bye, my heart just shattered
I wanted to ignore your text and just let it end that way
But it wouldn't be fair, so all I could say is that it's probably for the best
Thinking about how you've already had such great friends who have been with you for years
I'm probably just some random guy who felt stupidly felt special being around you
The one that's expendable

Why did I even fell for this
I should have seen the signs
I was blind
Just so stupidly blind

Well there's really no point in continuing this as you won't even be reading this piece of crap
And by this piece of crap, I mean me
So run along then
The "heart" I gave to you, please just smash it till it eventually stop ringing
Cause mine has turned cold.

So long, Farewell...

I'm swimming in the smoke,
Of bridges I have burnt,
So don't apologise,
I'm losing what I don't deserve.

Goodbye, Farewell.

Stars

Friends are like stars, they burn out and get replaced by new ones...

But the impact they leave while they were still shining, will stay throughout eternity...

Distance

No. Don't ever regret what you said.
No. Don't ever regret what you did.
Cause at that one particular moment, you actually believe it was true, you believe it was real.
But only for that moment.
That one particular moment made you happy.
But now, it's gone...

There will be moments like this where you look back, and wonder, why...

Waiting...

My life is actually planned out for now, how long will it last? I've got no clue, but music is my passion and I know this is true. Somehow or rather I agreed to join Mus'Art wind orchestra, that too was cause of my conductor's recommendation. She also would like me to take up grade 8 exam in eupho, I must admit, I have quite a low confidence for that. I'll probably take grade 5 ABRSM first to "test" my abilities before attempting to defeat the goliath that is grade 8. If I were to pass my grade 5 or even get a merit for it, I'll pursue grade 8. So for now it's all about teaching and learning.

Onwards let the music play...

Live to save

Life, how does one define it? What is Life?

This  has boggled my mind since I was able to speak.

How does one determine what life is?

Sure, one can say life is the outcome of your heart beating, and you breathing.

But is that it? Like, seriously, that literal? O.o

To me, life is about finding something that gives someone the ability to rejoice, to be happy, only after attaining a certain objective.

So then, what IS this objective? *to those reading, welcome to snoozeville*

Ok just kidding.

I believe, we need to constantly surround ourselves with friends who motivates, be honest with us, be true...

And those that are just being a burden to us, are of no use to us...

You can't save everyone, and not everyone needs saving...

Save yourself!

Get out of a situation that kills you, jump into a situation that changes you for the better...

CHANGE is a must.

Let's do this.

Live to Save.

Reservist

Yes folks, it's my first time going for reservist.

And gosh my uniform is smaller than I imagined, no fiq, you're the one that shrank, ok, fine.

Somehow I just can't wait to go, through this four day journey...

And leave everything behind, forget life and just go through it as an escape from people...

Really hope to find some meaning behind it...

I'm all set, CPL Md Taufiq reporting in! =]

Fight in the face of Adversity

Truth is, I don't know where this year will bring me...

Truth is, I am scared...

Truth is, I don't want to be alone...

Truth is, I need more than just friends...

Those, are the truths...

But life is all about change...

Truths change, it fluctuates...

This year, 2013, I'm 10 years away from my favourite year...

Dream 2023...

In 10 years time, I will either be an awesome teacher, flying through the ranks and touching the lives of students in classrooms...

In 10 years time, I will either be an awesome conductor, performing in all those magnificent concert halls, inspiring children all around the world...

In 10 years time, I will either be an awesome biomedical engineer, planning projects that might have a medical break through...

In 10 years time, I'm either living alone, or living with someone I love...

Well I choose to be happy...

Live by these four HELP rules, Happiness, Empathy, Love, Peace. =]

So yup, 2013, bring it on!

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~