Dear Myself,

2day, the 31st of August, I am writing to you again, because I have forgotten to update you yesterday, for I am really sorry, therefore, I am going to just write about my day during teachers day...

On teachers day, I woke up in the morning, head spinning like mad, but still I forced and dragged myself out of bed, looking for some hope of recovery, but it didn't happend... I bathed with alot of difficulties, I was weak, my body was rejecting my mind... But still, I forced myself again, and again, my body and mind was in totally in a different state... After bathing, I wore my school uniform and did my morning prayers, my body was still weak, my body just told me to stay at home, forget about the whole teachers day, but my mind rejected this thought, and still fought on... At 6.30am, I left my house, walked slowly to school with a heavy burden on my body, still thinking whether I should be doing, but my mind just snapped at that and continued thinking about the performance I was going to do.

Finally, I reached school, what a big achievement that was with a body full of sickness, anyways, I went to the council room exactly at 6.40am and asked for the SC T-shirt, then they gave me the T-Shirt, and guess what, I had to go to the toilet twice, because once I went to change, I wore the PE T-Shirt inside then just overlap the SC shirt over it, but then, one of the other SCs told me that the teacher would scold me if I wore that way, so, I went back to the toilet, changed into the SC shirt without the PE shirt inside and proceeded to the SC room... Then at around 6.50am, there was a briefing, then after the briefing, I had to go out to the quadrangle and rearrange the chairs for the teachers to sit as the were too far back from the stage on the day before, during the moving of chairs, I nearly colapsed, I didn't know what was wrong with my body, my mind was set on for the performance, I was just thinking of the phrase "Mind over matter"...

After everything was ready, the flag raising was carried out, and after that the programme started, this was the first project made my the 4th student council and we were hoping it would run smoothly. The principal started the programme by reading the teacher's day message. And after that, the SCs were called out to give out cards and flowers to the teachers... I was the one who was suppose to give the card and flowers to my most favourite teacher which is Mrs. Liu my POA teacher, she has done alot for my class, her patience was very high and by her teaching, I can safely say she's an experienced teacher.

After all the cards were given out, there was the poem reading competition, I didn't really got to hear, because I was still too busy looking for the teachers. Hm, after the poem reading stuff, I was feeling abit recovered as in my temperature has gone down and my body was going strong again but at the same time, I was nervous to get on stage, then, in a split second, the 6 of us who are performing on stage were called up(I was the only guy on stage =P). Then the music started for the first time, but it was too soft and we couldn't hear so we didn't start to dance also. The second time, the music was faint but we could hear, so we started dancing. We danced and danced, until we were like so tired, we called up some teachers up too then the whole school went wild. The teachers were so called, "saboed" to get on stage, that was the fun part. Then after all that dancing and all, the programme was over at 8.30am, but the principal decided to drag longer till 8.45am and we were dismissed. After we were dismissed, some teachers congratulated the SCs to have made the project a success as it ran very smoothly.

Well, thats all I can say about teachers day, actually I have alot to say, but the time doesn't allow me to continue. so I will just end here... Till next time then, this is Taufiq, thankz for reading my blog, I will update it more often, in the mean time, enjoy ur holiday on monday and have fun during the one week break holidays... Take care and good bye everyone...

With lotz of love,
Fiqz

Dear myself.....

2nite, I am writing to you in perfect english because I just want you to see this...(elipsis dots) Anyway, today has not been a very good day for me, and the same goes for the days before this day, I have been sick, and when I say sick, I mean very sick(but not as sick to have SARS, I hope), but I will still live on(I hope to live on)...

My sickness was not able to pull me back from performing on stage and going back to my primary school today which is Griffiths Primary, but the consequences I have to face, which is an aching head, a pair of tired legs and hands, a nose which keeps running out with mucus, a pair of eyes which "burns" everytime I close my eyes, and now, I am starting to get a fever. What have I done to deserve this, I admit I have done wrong things, but I have not done the same mistakes.

In band, I was happilly playing my euphonium, and I was hoping to start a new life with my euphonium, I was perfecting everything I could with my euphonium, but then, just last week, my conductor told me to change from euphonium to a tuba. That really broke my heart into trilions of pieces, because the euphonium was the 1st reason I liked coming to band. And of course the second reason was that I loved classical music. But without my 1st reason, I feel useless and a drag to go to band now, my euphonium was the reason i stayed in band, and to take that away from me, I feel totally useless. I am not making a complaint, because I have not tried fully the tuba, but what I am trying to say is that I can never depart from the euphonium, it has been the only instrument I have ever used which I liked playing and enjoy most playing with. I'd like to say again, my euphonium is like something so much valuable to me, is doesn't matter who's euphonium, just don't change that instrument for me, I just can't change, even to a smaller instrument in a brass section in band i mean, I simply can't, I really felt as if I could cry hearing that I had to change to a tuba. Anyway, if i get well tomorrow, I will go to band and see how 1st...

Now to my studies, I passed my Social Studies which is like a big achievement for me, and I also passed my maths, which shows I am not that bad in maths and Social Studies, I failed my Geography though, but my failure was only by afew marks which I know I had to study more on it, I passed both my Chemistry and Physics which gurantees a pass for me in Combine Science, and as for POA, I took the retest and still waiting for the results, Malay I passed but with very low marks, and as for English, I am still waiting too...

Anyway, thats all I want to tell you 2nite, because I need to sleep already as my eyes can't take anymore of the pain converted from the screen to my eyes, so I shall just bid farewell to you and I hope to update you as soon as possible and I hope you pray that I get well...

From lots of love,
Fiqz

Hmmmmmm, Eloooooooz to one and alllll! hehe, I dunno wy, i juz feel very happy 2day...... I realised that sumtimes, pple can't be all d time happy and all d time sad, itz juz not logical, feelings are supposed to be expressed regardless of happiness or sadness......

As for my feelings 2day, I am glad dat i am feeling happy..... cuz itz d onli feeling dat makes ur body feel alive.... Anywayz, 2day in band, as always, I was the onli person in my section(haiz...wy does it have 2 be me=( ), den it was like, in d beginning of band, i was the one hu took out my instrument 1st(I miss my eupho ok, itz been 4 dayz since i get to touch my eupho), den i start 2 tune my eupho(actually itz my seniors one, but she say she wanted 2 bring down the eupho to me, so i felt very lucky, the eupho was very very nice) And so, I played dat eupho, d sound dat came out was like, WOW... My tuning was almost perfect, but d onli problem was dat, wen playing, the 4th valve keep getting stuck, especially wen playing very fast...... so i put alot of valve oil, even with ALOT of valve oil, after 10-15 mins, it still got STUCK..... and sooooo, i persevered after dat, and d valve was ok(thank goodness).... den Mr. Chua gave us a new song, and he told us dat we are going to finish dat song by dat day, and as usual, d band was like "HAR!? BY 2DAY!?"..... den we sight read the music..... and we played the song quite badly, it was a very very very very ODD song, I even called it a cartoon song, cuz it was sooooo oddd!!!! I see d notes were ok, but den it had no tune 2 it, it was like, d next bar wld be quite different from d 1st or other bars... But den, after half an hour of SELF-PRACTICE (instead of SECTIONALS, cuz i was the ONLI euphonium)... I rushed to d store room and get my Standard of Excellence cuz some of d notes i didn't noe d keys... and so i wasted 10 mins looking for dat book, den finally i came down to prac, i was left with 20 mins..... so i rushed, and got all d notes correct.... dat was fine, den d rythym part, dat was abit tricky..... den after the half an hour of self prac, we all went back to d music room, den we played for d 2nd time, dis time we managed to survive through and play d ting once through.... haha, it really sounded funny even wen we play correctly, and d title say grand band sumting sumting...... it was suppose to be grand rite?(like DUH?) but it sounded more to a confusing feeling, sumtimes i play parts which i play alone, and datz really weird 2 me...... Den after dat, finish band liaoz, I was very very VERY tired and worn out... so went down 2 d SC room, throw myself to d couch.... and watch d rest of d councillors dance..... den sumone had to tell me i was going to dance on the stage on teachers day with 4 other councillors and sum teachers.... i was like "WAT?! ME THE ONLI GUY!?" there were like"yupz!" and i went, "I THOUGHT EVERYONE IN TEAM A HAD TO DANCE ON STAGE!?" and theys said, "The vice-president lohz" and i was like "SHE'Z DEAD MANZ!".. but den she came into d room, i was like, nvm la.... Maybe i dance too good liaoz........ den after dat ashraf called us outside and showed us a demonstration of air pressure!... it was really nice manz, i tink i wanna try it out sumtime....... anywayz, after d demonstartion, i felt like going home, and so i went home....... den noting much happend lohz, ARGH! my hair is still long, wen will i get it cut, i never noe, and yar, for the SC, i tink it wld be better if the SC wore black shoes to school, more fitting with d black pants.......

With dat, Tankz for reading my journal for 2day signing off at 10.32pm...... post another one soon or late.... so long, adios amigoz and sinioritaz out there...... "Riding the lightning, catching the wind, Soaring the path, Thundering everyone within my wrath... the speedy kid!"

Helo, itz me again.... I juz feel like typing sum stuff in here..... I tink I'll juz start by going thru my timeline as i grow older and how fiq became hu he is now.... imagine dis train, setting off a station called the 13 years old station(datz where my life began), and going down d rail, i am going at constant speed, not too fast, nor too slow.... juz moderately moving along the tracks..... den suddenly the speed gets faster and faster, datz wen i was having fun in sec 1, and d train keept increasing speed cuz i joined soccer and was very excited to play for d soccer team..... wen it was nearing the 14 years old station, the speed decreased by alot and almost came to a halt as my academic results and soccer had to be closed down, my dream was erased, for 3 months the train moved very slowly, den came an inspiration, the fuel of the train, I joined band.... at dat time, the fuel was burning slowly, the speed was increasing slowly after each band practice...... after alot of band practices, my train was speeding off very fast at top speed as i was also achieving results in my academic performance, dat was the only time wen the train gave out a big roar to everyting dat came in itz path, the train was speeding very fast and slowly towards the end of the year, the train not only began to move faster, but began to move higher, dat was wen i got 2nd in class for my academic results and i was chosen to be in the main band........ At the 15 year old station, my train was oleady at high speed, moving at speeds nv imagined, scaling new heights, my determination grew and grew....... but.... after a few months after leaving the 15 year old station, my academic results started to drop, but i was still keeping strong in band, by dis time, my train had dropped to d normal level and d speed had decreased by half...... I try to put in more fuel, but theres juz no spark to make it burn, i felt useless.... the train decreased alot...... by mid-year, my train was only barely moving, i was dead, my interest in music put in more fuel after every practice, but i am still not moving as my academic results didn't bring a spark to the fuel to unleash the energy kept..... therefore i did not move, my train was getting rusty, day after day, it started to rain heavily, dat is wen the teachers scolded me..... i was left alone to slowly rust, d rails were also rusting, slowly, the fuel dissappeared as my confidence in SYF was destroyed in d process........ I had noting, left alone, hollow, had oleady gave up, nv wanted 2 fight back, i was slacking, i didn't really cared much abt wat was thought in school, i kept failing my POA and maths.... I had no one, everyone was looking down on me, my train was flooded by the heavy rain and wasn't even bothered, all i wanted was to give up.... the sun was blocked and it was total darkness, my train was black, rusty and old... but den, sumone came into my life, the sun started to shine brightly, the flood began to vapourise, inch by inch, my wheels moved, dropping the rust on it, the rails suddenly became unrusted, all around the train, flowers started blooming, the fields became bright green, butterflies were everywhere...... I started to take pride in my work, do revisions, study hard........ now the sparks were coming, but the fuel wasn't there....YET!, then i started to practice hard in band, and even my conductor was shocked, i memorised the whole song for SYF, i was fully prepared.... now my train is accelerating fast..... at d next maths test, i passed and scored, as i did afew careless mistakes here and there...... i moved on, my train was moving! shiny as ever! it was as if itz brand new, and beside it was another train which joined me, it was because of her my train was moving..... she, she gave me confidence, happiness and everyting i need...... And yes, her name was Nurhayati...... it was because of her i moved on.... i became sumone...... *to be continued*

Eloooz everyone, haiz..... been a long month..... i even didn't update dis ting for more den one month also..... Anywayz, in d month, i tink i've some sort of changed...... I am like, not say changed alot, and not say changed abit...... Itz a change dat i've never experienced..... haiz....... watz d feeling from happy to sad...... now i feel d negative feeling in me, d more i make pple happy, d more negative energy i am getting, and get ignored by pple around me also is quite making me sad.... I mean, watz up with u all.... am i starting to get invisible, and also, i notice not many pple even remember my bday.... for dis whole time i am like wat? i puppet with no feelings trying to make pple happy and all, and u all guess i wld be happy alone.... juz alone with myself..... now i am like tinking abt alot of tings, wy was i enrolled in NASS, wy wasn't i put in an other school, wy did i became so "stupid" as to make others happy and make myself miserable for the sake of others.... I noe it felt good being happy and all, but den, wen itz ur time 2 be sad, wy does d world start 2 fall upside down and keep pressing on u..... Being sad and miserable is a stage in one's life where dey really feeling commiting suicide and all dose stuff.... I mean, yar i noe d meaning of life and how precious life is, but only juz by sadness alone can make sumone not tink about how meaningful life is and wants to end it as soon as possible so as not to face other problems...... Yar i noe, others may tell u, or shld i say remind u dat life is important and shld treasure every moment, but like i said b4, wen sadness kicks in, ur life u dun care anymore, u juz wanna look for a shortcut 2 end ur life and finish it once for all.....

OK, so here's my story, u noe dat wen u trust sumone, u wld open up and be very interested to sumone's problems and wld give a listening ear or try 2 help d person by cheering the person up or just by giving advices..... well, for me, I trust this sumone, but dat sumone has abt 50% or less(dropping) trust with me..... and datz like, for me, i am really very dissapointed cuz wen u give sumone ur full trust, u will expect 2 get d same..... But unluckily for me, dat person whom i trust fully, have a 50/50 view of my trust...... D person even keeps secrets in front of me.... and itz like, it defies the meaning of trust totally, watz d meaning of trust wen u keep having secrets? I mean..... Summore we r very close, and i start 2 tink of our future, or most of d time, MY future..... Shld we depart, or shld we stay, or shld dis secret ting juz add up till it makes a big "BOOM!" and suddenly i come to a shock and get a heart attack...... Or maybe dis secret juz collects and collects even more, and wen itz out, i'll juz be left alone again as i am usually am, d fiq i once was, d lonely fiq.... having noting but myself.... Hey wait! I am starting to get lonely by d minute, hour, days, months..... By saying all dis, i am oleady alone, I mean, cumon, wat do i have, i am juz dis guy hu oves studying science(chemistry) and my juniors are like sumsort of bullying me oleady..... If i am very famous den itz ok, but i am not, I am not famous and will never be cuz i am juz dis guy hu juz makes pple happy and datz it, i can't even maintain a good conversation..... Wy do i get stuck in a conversation and wen everyones waiting for me to tok and i have noting to say? Wy can't i have a smootuh flowing conversation whereby wen itz my turn to speak, i have loads of tings to tok abt? Itz not dat i can't talk, hello, i noe how 2 speak english.... And another factor, in my school, as usual, there are over a majority of chinese....but onli a handful of malays...... and i have been making notes on wen a chinese and a chinese meet, ok, make dis a senario, There are 2 chinese students and a malay student, without fail, even in front of the malay, the two chinese will talk in chinese...... I am not saying dis cuz of by theory it will happend, i am saying dis cuz i am experienced dis alot of countless times, but i juz let it go all d time.... Wat is dis? calling it favouring d minority groups? den like dat mite as well different races join different specific race schools rite? dey can speak in their own language for all dey noe, everyone wld understand.....

Anywayz, enough of all dis racist tings, for me now in band.... I am d onli person in my section, i am alone, never have i felt so sad, everyones leaving me! haiz..... wat will happend next, i will nv noe..... is my fate going to change or am i still going d same direction....................