What i used to be, now i yearn to be

What an unexpected finding.

I was Google-ing (stalking) an FB friend and thinking how scary Teh Internet is (cause of all the information that i was able to find) when i decided to Google my own name to see what results would appear. To my surprise, despite being cautious about posting my information online, i came across old posts ranging from 3-9 years back. Internet probably wasn't that scary back then.

Anyways, i tried to cover up my tracks (heh) but sadly i couldn't remember the email and password to delete the related posts. So i said, "The heck with it, it's all part of growing up." So here it is, in its full glory, a poetic post i wrote in a board some time back in 2005.

maturity,
is like a barrier,
stopping us from acting like a child,
setting up a mindset that we must act our age.
happiness,
is what everyone seeks,
it's not hard to find,
you'll just have to open up your heart.
but when happiness meets maturity,
those tiny bits of happiness won't seem so great after all,
responsibility overwhelm everything,
and all that is left,
lingers bitterly in the mind.

How's that?
I was surprised i could come up with something like that at that age. Probably is what people call emo these days.

After that i came across an old post of mine back in 2009 whereby i was having a self-realization moment. Reading it gave me comfort, knowing that i did learnt from my mistakes. But it also scares me to think that i used to be able to write in a way i couldn't now.

The wise said, "However sharp a knife is, it will become blunt if you do not sharpen it from time to time." I guess this is what is happening to me now. Well... it's still not too late to learn from mistakes.

Now, where is my knife-sharpening stone...

A knot in my heart, a lump in my throat.

Today i woke up on time, went to church, and went home with a heavy heart.

Going to church had always been a love-hate relationship to me. Sometimes i feel lazy to go, sometimes i went in a drowsy state from not enough sleep. I used to dread going because i could not grasp what the sermon was about or i was just too tired from lack of sleep. As time goes by, and probably because of the new priest, i started attending mass hoping to learn something from the sermon he gave.

Sometimes i go with a broken heart hoping to be mended. Sometimes i go with an open heart hoping to be replenished spiritually. Sometimes i go with an open voice hoping to sing some karaoke. Going to church became something that i look forward to, although i am still reluctant to go sometimes.

Somehow, today has been that day the sermon struck a chord with my heart, with my mind. Something that i have been thinking, and worrying, and frustrated. Although i could not remember exactly what was it about now that i think about it, it definitely brought up some bitter feelings deep inside me.

(ah, i remembered some of it)

When delivering his sermon, Father was talking about how he met an old friend of his recently whom he had working with before he became a priest. How when he heard that his friend is making big bucks now and how he thought for a moment that maybe he could work part time. However, it struck him then, why he has stick to becoming a priest for so long until now. It was because of the time he has spent with God, he came to understand more, and the more he steps into it, the more he wants to know about Him. Same goes for the people, the church community. Being around the people has made him accustomized to this way of living.

As he talks on about how do we perceive our relationship with God, my thoughts stray to my own dilemma. After being in a relationship with a non-Catholic for almost more than 5 years, after numerous discussion which ended unpleasant, i started to question my own faith. My religion. It's not that the discussions were anti-christians/religion or whatsoever. It's the questions that he asked which brought me to thinking of my relationship with God, with the church. Somehow i am uncertain if the discussions have strengthen my faith in God or it has weaken me.

I started to question things that should not be questioned. My mind started to ask, "Is this necessary?", "Would doing that really make you holier?", "What's the meaning of all this?". Undoubtedly, my faith wavered. I started going church feeling "weak". I pray for forgiveness from God more than i remembered doing it before. I feel that i have greatly sinned and although my heart tells me that God forgives those who forgive others, i question myself if i have really forgiven them. I started worrying because i kept doing things and i don't know if it is the right thing to do anymore.

What is Good, and what is Bad? The line became so blur i don't even know which side am i stepping on. I tried to change, tried to try things that will make me happy, but i know it's all just temporary. My soul still feels empty, heart still saddened, mind still tortured by my own thoughts. It's as if i feel caged, unable to throw out all these negative feelings inside me. Feels as if i have not forgive myself. Have not treat myself well. Did not make the most out of myself. Unable to get my priorities right. Starting to lose that self that was once so innocent and ignorant.

Maybe it's a good thing. Took me so much to learn one lesson. Yet the temptation creeps in and i keep wanting to go back for more. The devil inside me telling me that it is normal, it is OK, it doesn't matter.

Just as what i am doing now, although i do feel better after writing this out, i couldn't stop my mind from telling myself, "There you go again, screwing up your priorities, when there is work to be done and yet you are tempted into blogging", whereas the young me would have just said, "Screw work, there's always tomorrow."

Funny how as we grow older, responsibility and dignity became so important it became a burden to us.

God, if you are seeing this, please help me to forgive myself. Things should not be as bad as it seems.