When it feels like one.

Castles

Will you promise me?
That we'd build castles where happiness lasts
And we'd have a kingdom
With bridges made of love

Hands above hearts
For you I'd pick up the pieces
From what broke you
And tore you apart

Have we not been counting the days?
Yet we don't know if we have tomorrow
But if tomorrow doesn't come
I know that the last that you had
Is my heart you held fast

He takes, He gives
Not all's for eternity
We wait, we pained
Just a little more
It comes, and it will pass

Will you stay by me?
To go through all that shatters
We'll go above the stars
And build castles
You and I

Feeling unwell.

Being sick is of course, the least thing that people would ask for.

But when it comes, may all of us embrace it. And see it from the lenses of hikmah. 

With His grace and will, lately I have been falling sick from time to time - not the usual flus and fever - and I cannot deny that my energy level is fluctuating. Being drained physically puts me a bit behind my plans that I have for my final year in Egypt. However, I know He is the Best of planners. 

I like to think, and having my mind active nearly every moment is a thing that is habitual. Falling sick has made me realize, and thought about so many things. 

I know the physical state of my heart is small, but at this moment I feel that my thankfulness to Him is too much, it exceeds the walls of my little heart. I see people's concern, I feel so much love that keeps increasing every day, and I can never repay all of this kindness. I know I can only pray for their well being and for them to have the best of this world and the hereafter, and I will definitely do that. May Allah grant them all the happiness in this world, and I pray so much that Allah forgives all their sins without having to endure pain insyaAllah. 

We are reaching the end of time, yet we are in this journey. Even if we know that tomorrow's the last day for us, and we have a seed in our hand, we shall plant that seed. Khidmah, and prayers, go a long way. And we shall do that. We shall live every day thankful to Allah, for being there and forgiving our sins in every way possible, while we are here ignorant and forgetful, constantly repeating our mistakes. We shall live our days doing our best being good to people, not to please them, but only because we should. 

It is such a wonderful blessing to not have any hatred in the heart. It is more of a blessing that it is not apathetic, and filled with so much love. May we all return to Him in the best state, with the Quran as our companion and nothing but good things left behind. May we all attain husnul khatimah insyaAllah =) For you and I; for our parents, teachers, syuyukh, friends, and the ummah. 

Masykuur, ya Rabb =)

Egypt is where the heart is.

I am in a distant place; away from home, along with many others.

In this examination heat where many are counting their days home, I am too. I honestly am. Because the thought of family, friends, and um, food is comfort. 

Yet Egypt is in the heart so dear. 

Some people I know have grown to loathe Egypt. Dislike Egypt. Because of the bad memories it has given to them. Personal attacks. Assaults. Harassment. You name it. In a country with a high percentage of poverty and low education, that is nothing but normal. But ever since the uprising and having multiple presidents one by one taking the stage which Egyptians themselves have now burnt down to ashes, Egypt is in a critical stage. A mess which unfortunately is not beautiful like any other. 

Now we await as the new president is being announced. The spotlight is now on Egypt, after Libya and Syria are starting to become distant memories. It's becoming to take a toll on me, and I can see it taking a strain on Egyptians. My juniors and I were on the way back home from Atabah in a taxi, and in front of us was this lorry (excruciatingly slow) with blaring speakers playing a terribly joyous song in support for what seemed to be the obvious winner in the current presidential election. 

I saw many faces and emotions.

On the balcony there were old ladies in their granny gowns, clapping and grinning in rhythm to the song. Young men were fooling around splashing each other with water and dancing in the streets. Kids were happily trailing the lorry, laughing and racing with each other.

And then there were the non-supporters in disdain, trying their best to ignore the uncalled celebration, even though it was impossible. This scene stuck in my mind, and still is. The painful part, is being reminded that unity is just a dream. 

I dream of a bright Egypt with no crime. Where it is led by an honorable person, where people live harmoniously, where there is no crime, and Al-Azhar glistens more brightly than it ever has. But this dream never lasts, and it never became true. Because it is a fantasy.

Egypt is a place where I keep being torn into pieces, and shaken hard. It is the place which I have hit my face hard on the ground but it is on the blessed soil that I stood back up. In these 4 years I have shouted (real loud) to a number of Egyptians, but I have given my heart to a tad too many - and that is more memorable. Living in a Muslim majority country feels like home. Like living within a big, big family. The warmth and hospitality are blessings. The lessons learnt are gold. The life in Singapore is moving at a speed so fast that it becomes blurry. What is warmth? It has turned into a battlefield for the survival of the fittest, a live competition. 

What are we striving for? What are we searching for? We don't know. We don't know what we want but we know we haven't got it.

Even though the future is unsure, I'm glad I have this place called Egypt to brace myself.

Random taxi conversation.

My friend and I was in a taxi, going back from a discussion we had at the clubhouse. Something was bugging my mind, so I started the topic.

"Awak you know how my friends are high achieving undergraduates and graduates mostly career-minded and all?"

"Ahuh." 

"Well time tu dorang tengah having this debate that nowadays being a housewife is a lesser contribution to the community, so they said every woman should go out and actually do something."

"Okay..."

"Yeah abih kte cakap being a housewife is just as noble 'cause we're like building the foundations of the community, but they didn't agree to that?"

"Well," 

"Ahuh awk what do you think?"

"I think,"

"...that kalau awak jadi housewife, it's going to be such a waste to the community."

My face turned into a... cookie. Flat. Because I didn't get the answer I wanted and it bugged me more. For the fact that I didn't really know what she saw in me and what she really meant.  

Replay.

"Kalau enti graduate nanti, kelulusan enti lebih tinggi daripada ustaz."
"Apa maksud ustaz?"
"Ana cuma belajar sampai diploma je. Enti kalau habis belajar, enti dapat degree."
"Ana tak rasa gitu, ustaz."
"Enti fikirkanlah."

-----

"Ana tak kisah pun kalau tak habis belajar dalam 4 tahun. Tahu tak kenapa semua bersungguh-sungguh nak habiskan dalam 4 tahun?"

"Kenapa?"

"Sebab sekeliling semua macam tu. Dah jadi kebiasaan. Orang suka ikut kebiasaan.

.... In the end, fikir balik, ada apa dengan kita nak ikut kebiasaan. Apa sebenarnya yang kita dah dapat dalam 4 tahun tu? 4 tahun tak cukup sebenarnya."

-----

Replay.

Between fantasy and certainty.

A dream is something that feels up the emptiness inside. The one thing that you know if it came true, all the hurt would go away.

What's your dream?

At the photocopy shop.

Among my favourite photocopy shops is Salsabiil. A small, humble shop in the middle of the 7th district; a place so familiar. I love it because the quality of the printing is always rather pleasing as compared to other places. And the service has never been bad, alhamdulillah.

So today I had to make 6 copies of a stack of notes. This time, I knew my visit to the photocopy shop wasn't going to be a short one. The middle-aged man named Alaa' working at the Salsabil is someone whom I'm used to seeing, and kinda friendly. So when he sees me he'll always talk about everything under the sun. I had a lot of stuff to be photocopied, so the conversation was rather long today (obviously). 

I was busy replying text messages, but Alaa' seemed happy with my presence, and simply starting talking.

"Yasmeen, you know how much I like Asians and Russians who come or pass by here everyday?"

"No, not really. And my name is Fairuz."

"Oh dear I'm so sorry. Fairuz. Yes. I remember you."
"Who's Yasmeen?"

He became silent for a long time, and I felt bad. Because I knew I must've reminded him of a painful memory. But then the guilt turned into restlessness, because I did have to have 6 stacks of notes in my hands and have them binded, and he was just standing there, staring into the ceiling as if trying to stop himself from crying, with only one stack of notes in his hands. I had to say something.

"I'm really sorry... was Yasmeen someone you loved before?"

He blinked, and smiled. Not that kind of a smile that you make when you're recalling a beautiful memory. It was the smile you make when recalling something so bitter.

"I used to love a woman. For years. But I wasn't ready. I had to support my father, who's chronically ill, and I vowed to myself that I would see my younger sister marry first, and help her to that. I took years to have the courage. When I finally thought I was ready... she had already married. She had a daughter. Her daughter's name is Yasmeen. And now I just watch her from afar."

"I'm sure there's one lady out there you would like. Egyptian women are all beautiful."

"No, it's not the same. It will never be the same."

I didn't know what to say, except for my apologies. I believed the best way was to change the topic. (Either that, or I could just painfully stare at how slow the progress of the photocopying was going?) So we had lengthy conversations about politics, about the house he bought for his sister and other light things like how I was doing in uni and where I lived, also random stuff like how both of us agreed that living expenses in Egypt was getting a bit expensive.

The atmosphere was calm, and turned silent as Alaa' was picking up his pace at photocopying. And suddenly he started talking again. It reflected how the woman he loved was still in his mind. So fresh.

"For your young age, Fairuz, do you know what love is?" 

I kept silent. From the look at him, I knew it wasn't a question I was supposed to answer.

"Love is when you look at the person and that person knows what you want. Knows your needs. And feels what you feel, even when you haven't felt it." 

And as he handed me the six stacks of notes, I left the shop questioning how I myself love.

Of polygamy, monogamy, and jealousy.

"Did Sarah imagine that monogamy somehow secured her worth as a woman, a human? 

I don't measure my worth by the actions of a man," Nusaybah had said.

So what was Sarah so afraid of?

What would - or could - a co-wife really take from her that had ever been hers in the first place? Wasn't a human's worth determined by the person's belief in Allah and righteous actions? Or did she believe that her belief in Allah and submission to Him would somehow be disrupted if she accepted her husband's marriage choice? 

- Footsteps, by Umm Zakiyyah

I've only read excerpts of the book online, and this particular one really made me think. A lot. They say women are jealous by nature, and men are polygamous by nature. But to what extend is this statement true? Sometimes we know the theoretical aspect of life, but I believe it is through true experiences and social observation that we develop our senses and understand life. 

I know for a fact that women by nature are created with jealousy as a characteristic, but I am not quite sure about men being polygamous. Some call me naive, others say I am being unrealistically optimistic, but I think that even if it is true, then it is for sure it is something Allah created so that men - if they choose to kindle it - would keep it in line. Men (not men as in rijaal, but men as in naas) too was created with lust, and it is something that is expected for everyone to contain.

I think I know how I feel about polygamy, but I don't feel comfortable expressing it because it is a judgement I have made without being in the circumstances.

This is life. And we have to choose how to live it.

Truest Self.

For one thing, I love reading people's writings. Not those which are in response to another person. Writings; like letters or blog posts. Or Facebook statuses. Letters are my personal favourite. Especially when it comes from special people. Because they're sort of like monologues. 

And I feel that all that really reflects the person's feelings. Because it's not a form of forced speech. No pressure from anyone, no feelings of impulse self-protection or anything. So I believe that reading a person's thoughts in the form of his or her own writing, is the basis of understanding a person. Their actions comes next, but still, in the heat of the action the person will still have thoughts in their minds - which no one will ever know of, unless expressed.

A person is most vulnerable when he is alone. That is the time when he lets himself free, because he knows whatever he thinks and whatever intentions he has is between him and his creator. No boundaries, no barriers. 

Maybe Allah takes it that our duaa after prayers are like letters to Him. No one lies in their duaa. It is always full of hopefulness, and faith in His promises. There's always this fuzzy feeling in the heart right after we make duaa. And due to His mercy when you come to Him showing how you're struggling with the load on your back, He comes back to you with His bountiful, most delicate favors. 

It's amazing, how bonds are created just by a string of words. How simple words, when put together, are beautiful as it is. But at times not all meaningful words come from the heart. Sometimes it comes from the mind, and it doesn't really tug your feelings. It doesn't take a poet to know how to express. It just takes you to be yourself.

I think we should all have time to ourselves, to mend what is wrong and to realize the gems that we have in our lives all these while, and to tell the people that matter how we appreciate them. Better now, while we all have the chance to =)

Feeling the Love in the Air.

Of late, every now and then I keep being pleasantly surprised with the news of my juniors getting married. Come every weekend, there's bound to be either wedding or engagement photos in my Facebook and Instagram account. It's normal to see my seniors getting married, because the social norm was that people get married at, say, 26 years old at average, I guess. So when I see young faces as the bride and groom, it's a beautiful change. And I'd be the one happily scrolling through those albums with a few of my friends, chirping and gushing like old aunties at Pasar Geylang having a gathering over chendol. Just give the first post on Facebook a few hours, and there's bound to be a conversation started in one of my Whatsapp groups, with my friends sending the latest wedding photos for everyone to see. My friends are the #1 tabloid journalists, I tell you. Haha ;p

It's really wonderful that society is becoming more open to accepting young marriages, and more amazing that the couples who choose to embrace that phase of life are totally up for it. They must've done a whole lot of thorough thinking and gone through a whole lot of discussions with their elders before making this big decision. I honestly salute them for that, because it is definitely not an easy feat, and following the Prophet's way is the definite right way. Sollallaahu 'alaihi wasallam. 

Once upon a time society generally looked at every single young marriage with a sneering look, sometimes throwing terribly negative comments like, "Dah terlanjur lah tu" or "Belajar tak nak, sebab tu kahwin"... and so on, and so forth. Well, people who say stuff like this still exist, but lest you feel angry, I'm glad to say that they're close to extinction. With people being more aware of Islamic teachings, our society is turning into a happy, celebrating and congratulating bunch of people, alhamdulillah.

It's interesting how this so-called 'trend' started and developed. The old yardstick for a person ready for marriage used to be age - as it symbolized maturity, and income stability. But nowadays that yardstick has been replaced, and society has turned into one which is more acceptable to young marriages, resulting to us seeing young ones tying the knot even whilst one, or both are still studying. Why, you ask? Well probably because of...

- A better understanding of the Prophet's sunnah, that to hasten good things given the capability to do so is encouraged for all Muslims.

- Society's affluence (alhamdulillaaah murah rezeki!), with parents not minding spending their own money for their children's weddings. 

And the whole hype about love is aggravated even amongst young ones who have not even reached puberty with the increase in 'Islamic' love novels/dramas/movies, promoting 'halal relationships' and the sweetness of young marriages. It's a good move, yes, but it's partly worrying too because there is so much more than what is being projected in media. 

I'm not going to elaborate each point more than I've stated, if not this post will be a write-up fit for a thesis =)

At the end of the day, these marriages happen and the people involved are the bride and groom, their family, friends... and then there's you. The witness to all these joyful events. There can be a million possibilities of what you may be feeling. Happiness. Excitement. Joy. Let's put them in Category A. And then there are opposites to all those feelings. Envy. Hopelessness. Emptiness. I'm going to put them in Category B.


If you fall into Category A, then alhamdulillaaah three claps and a cookie for you! Islam encourages us being happy for others and when a joy is shared, happiness is spread, and when happiness is spread... ok you get the drift, hehe. May Allah reward you for your smallest and littlest action, even if it's as small as a micro molecule. InsyaAllah.

But if you fall into Category B, or feel the slightest hint of those kind of feelings, then I would guess that you are most probably an unmarried person. Be it whether you are already in a relationship or you have not yet found the perfect partner. It's perfectly fine, and it's normal. But let's not drown ourselves in sorrow. Just because you're not married yet doesn't mean you have to lock yourself in a car when it's raining and cry while listening to the saddest song ever created. We can shift our attention to something else, life won't turn out that bad after all. 

It is always during our bad days that we forget about our dreams and passion. Yes, from time to time there is that tugging feeling yearning to love and be loved, but do not entertain it. Recall all the things you are passionate about. Revive all the goals and dreams you once had. Slowly make the steps to make it happen. Make yourself busy. Increase your knowledge. Try out a new recipe. Catch up with friends. Read books about the sahabah, about the wives of the Prophet, and how the Prophet managed his family. Be inspired, and find ways to be better than who you are today. Work on your spiritual and intellectual self. Keep your heart enlightened with His promises; that He always plans out the best for His servants.

We pursue for love, for it is truly a beautiful gift from Him. Yet we must bear in mind that nothing in this world lasts. It is the nature of man to be attached to something, but if love is what you choose to be attached to, then what happens when the knot you tied for yourself is unraveled? 

ربنا هب لنا من أزواجنا وذرياتنا قرة أعين وجعلنا للمتقين إماما

واجعلنا مقيمي الصلاة ومن ذرياتنا ربنا وتقبل الدعاء!

May Allah grant us all happiness here and in the hereafter, and gather us all with our beloved in the most blessed union, amiin. =)

  

2014

Bismillah. 

It's 2014, and all praises to Him for the uncountable blessings; for being able to see and breathe a new day is such a gift. Alhamdulillah.

Looking back at my posts, it's been slightly more than a year since I wrote in my last entry. I nearly forgot how it feels like to be writing, and for some sort of reason typing out my thoughts feels weirdly... pleasant. Again, another blessing. Alhamdulillah.

So what caused the hiatus was the rather hectic year I had. Things were jotted down in my journal though, so I have like, snippets of my thoughts which crossed my mind at the heat of the moment. It's a hodgepodge of stuff, some sparked from my daily observations, while some others... well let's just say that it, um, popped up. Out of nowhere. 

I miss writing freely without having to think that someone's going to grade or examine them, or that I have to craft a decent answer to a certain question posed. Writing, in a way, allows me to develop myself to be who I am.

I've got a number of ideas I'm itching to write about, so stay put!

InsyaAllah I will be here, Like Always. =)