31/07/17 First Kill (2017)

Generic but watchable small town crime effort.

...Er, that's about it really.

Ta.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt5884234
6.25/10

Perkin.

30/07/17 Humanoids From The Deep (1980)

Silly old nonsense.

Kinda fun though.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0080904/
5/10

*Sheriff Biscuit out on patrol*

"Deputy Hopper, do you copy?"

"Copy that. Go ahead, Chief"

Just stopping for a quick 470 beers with the fellas.

"Kenneth! How are you?"

"Blimey! Hello, Gary! Haven't seen you since the barbeque. Miriam here?"

"Yup, just nipped off to the shitter."

Fans of shit British cars will be 'impressed' by this Yank-spec Triumph TR7

"wanna see my broom handle?"

"Don't let them get to you, Ronald. They jus' bitch-ass playas, you get me?"

"Fo' real. Haterz be hatin'"

The funfair comes to Croydon.

"Read me some more of your poetry."

"One more, then to bed. You've got a big day at school tomorrow."

Perkin.

King Arthur: Legend Of The Sword (2017)

Set in that mythical time when London was full of volcanoes and 400ft tall elephants.

Probably the 1950s or something.

Elecanoes/10

EuroTrip (2004)

Hard hitting documentary.

85/10

Tour De Pharmacy (2017)

Funnier than expected short TV film.

6.4/10

Shooter (2007)

Mark Wahlberg, a man whose singular facial expression suggests that he is confused much of the time.

5/10

Revolt (2017)

low budget, post apocalypse, alien invasion film that looks flippin' ace for the amount spent and is entertaining sci-fi stuff.

7/10

My Name Is Lenny (2017)

For this East End set film, we have a guest reviewer. Cockney Wanker from Viz.

Over to you, C.W. for your thoughts on the film:

Can't argue with that.

2/10

Simple Creature (2016)

A young woman ends up quadra-spazzed on a life-glug after being in a bus accident.

Her dad's one of the head fellows at some company that does things with nano-tech future gizmos, so rather than leave her completely mash potatoed, he injects her full of magic computer stuff that makes her well again and enhances her physically.

As in she runs better, needs less sleep, heals quicker and stuff, not, like, a boob job or something silly.

Anyway, it's a fairly slow moving film, thoughtful rather than full of cyborg Terminator action.

Decent stuff.

7.5/10

What We Become (2015)

Danish zombie film that brings nothing new to the table, yet still manages to be pretty decent.

7/10

Bad Frank (2017)

The film's actually called just 'Frank'. They decided to include critical opinion into the title.

Actually, 'Average Frank' would've been better.

4/10

The Mummy (2017)

Wee Tommy Cruise gets to fly in planes, drive cars, shoot guns, battle an ancient deity and probably had jelly for tea! Bet he slept like a little log after all that adventure!

Blood Hunters (2016)

Woman wakes up in some eerie research facility strapped to a bed with no memory of how she got there. When she gets out of her bindings, she also discovers she's nine months pregnant.

What a pickle to find yourself in, eh?

Anyway, turns out it's some place being used to breed/create/destroy/harvest food for vampire type creatures.

It was alright-ish.

Probably better films about unexpected vampire research lab pregnancies.

5/10

Tomato Red (2017)

If you like slow moving films about redneck folk struggling with the daily burden of chain smoking, breakfast beers, swearing and low level crime than this one's a gem!

Otherwise you might find it to be ponderous, self-indulgent arse where wealthy actors pretend they're poor people.

3.5/10

First Round Down (2016)

A former hockey star turned hit man returns to his home town and finds himself in trouble with, er, the Canadian mafia or something?

Anyway, starts well, drags a bit, ends weakly. 

4.5/10

Rogue River (2012)

A mad family in the woods... Blah blah blah blah.

Who cares?/10

Aftermath (2017)

Arnold Schwarzenegger is now doing a reverse Liam Neeson. Neeson started off a serious, credible actor who, later in life, became an action film star in a series of mostly terrible films where he played someone called, like, Growly Punchfist and struggled with a convincing American accent.

Schwarzenegger, a man who's spent his career apparently struggling with his own accent, started off playing physically huge death machines, normally called something like Maddox Grenade, and was never looked upon as someone with acting skills beyond his formidable physique. Now though, with this film and the recent 'Maggie', he appears to have learnt something about acting. Mostly, keeping things quiet and less explosions.

Is this a good film?

Yeah, sort of. The fact that it's based on horrific true events feels a little uneasy and exploitative, but that is something of a redundant outlook if you consider the history of films. From pretty much day one they've used true life events as inspiration for what we watch. Also, context is the key to how appropriate something is; slapstick musical about Peter Sutcliffe would be a difficult watch, but a drama highlighting the effects of his insane actions could be a powerful film.

Anyway, this films stays very much on the safe side of anything that could be considered exploitative and was actually much more watchable and involving than I was expecting. No masterpiece or anything, but pretty good.

Or possibly total arse-water and I was just in a generous mood that day.

7/10

Free Fire (2016)

I had high hopes for this as Ben Wheatley's last two films, High Rise and A Field In England, where such total dickwash.

Certainly better than both of them but, for a chap with obvious creative insight, it felt flat and dull to me. A formulaic deal-gone-wrong shooter where the novelty is the gunfight occurring in the (relatively) enclosed space of a (actually very large) warehouse.

Worth a watch, but certainly not the return to early form I hoped for.

4.2/10

Wonder Woman (2017)

A couple of pieces in The Guardian praised this film as being feminist and aspirational, as it has a powerful central female character.

Meh. It's a bloody Wonder Woman film, not exactly throwing itself in front of the king's horse, is it? Fucking hell, are things that bad and the bar so low that such mediocre output is seen as ammunition in the battle for equality? I hope not.

That aside, if you're 12yrs old, of either gender, you'll probably enjoy this a lot. If you're an adult, you might not. Especially if you're a grumpy balding man in his forties.

Meh/10

Tell Me How I Die (2016)

A bunch of young folk sign up to be guinea pigs for a drug trail. Turns out the drug lets them see into the future and they have to try and avoid the imminent murder deaths that they foresee.

Not bad.

6/10

Mean Dreams (2016)

Decent film about two youngsters from an oppressively poor, struggling rural town who steal the money from a violent drug deal and go on the run.

Well acted, well scripted, fantastic cinematography. Very good.

8/10

Alien: Covenant (2017)

Slightly better than Prometheus, but that film was a total mud-biscuit and this is only a very small amount better. Also, this film suffers from a shite ending that bashes away much of the small superiority it does have.

Guy Pierce's brief cameo at the start is so bad I had to remind myself I wasn't watching some Fast Show style parody. And Micky F. Assbender, who's being praised up to the nipples for his role in this, is like a fucking tree made of ham. Seriously, his attempt at playing sinister is laughable. Odd given his obvious talent as an actor.

Oh yeah, and some fucking aliens turn up doing all their usual shit. 

2.95/10