Bit like one of them.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3027716/
5.4/10
Perkin.
Tuesday, 31 May 2016
Crossing Point (2016)
Remember when Channel 5 first started, it'd put on a generic action film at 9pm every night that you'd never heard of before?
Bit like one of them.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3027716/
5.4/10
Bit like one of them.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3027716/
5.4/10
The Transporter Refueled (2015)
This film makes the
Fast & Furious franchise look like Adam Curtis documentaries.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2938956/
2/10
Perkin.
Hard Tide (2015)
Small time crook
finds himself looking after a child. If this was an American film, Adam Sandler
or Ben Stiller would probably discover some sort of emotional loveliness and
give up their criminal ways by the end.
Thankfully it's British, so instead of that fluffy arse-wash, lots of
people call each other 'Cunt!' in alleyways.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3116054/
Not too bad/10
Perkin.
Red Dawn (2012)
Due to a shortage of
John Deere baseball caps and cowboy boots, North Korea decides to invade rural
America.
Mirroring the
sweat-shop practices of their Far East invaders, the American nation rely on
children to fight back.
Have you ever seen
the 1984 original? It's a terrible film, sometimes hilariously so. Out of all
the films ever made with the title Red Dawn, it's still the better one.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1234719/
Oh, come on!/10
Perkin.
The Adderall Diaries (2015)
Twat writes books for
a living. Works out he's a twat and the world doesn't revolve around him.
Becomes bit less of a twat. But still a twat.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1735907/
5.5/10
Perkin.
The Witch (2015)
Think we somehow
managed to miss this off last month's 'Plops.
Anyway, in the olden
days, some northern people move to America and bicker a lot about the bible and
goats. Thankfully some people from modern times were there to film it.
Think that's how it
works.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt4263482/
4/10
Perkin.
Jobs (2013)
Film about a
polo-necked trinket-pimp who managed to convince the world small plastic items
are important.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2357129/
6.5/!0 (According to Podd. I didn't watch it. Apple wankers.)
Perkin.
All Mistakes Buried (2015)
Ever wanted to watch
a film about society's bottom feeders breaking each others spirits and bones?
Bingo!
Actually not too bad,
if drab, and, surprisingly, I didn't see the twist coming. Here's five more
commas: ,,,,,
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3040216/
6.7/10
Perkin.
X-Men: First Class (2011)
In case you were
worried, there's another 58 films based on fucking comics coming out this
weekend. Phew.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1270798/
5.95/10
Perkin
The Fall Of The Krays (2016)
Two gay men in suits have fights.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt4061908/
2/10
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt4061908/
2/10
Perkin,
Thursday, 12 May 2016
11/05/16 Omen IV: The Awakening (1991)
blah, blah, blah, blah, shite.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102585/
2.5/10
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102585/
2.5/10
Perkin.
10/05/16 Jane Got A Gun (2016)
Well acted but very dull western with the reliably yawnsome Natalie Portman and now-has-to-be-in-every-fucking-film rumple-faced dullard Joel Edgerton.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2140037/
6.4/10
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2140037/
6.4/10
Perkin.
10/05/16 I Am Wrath (2016)
John Travolta plays a
chap who looks much like a strange hybrid of daytime telly dickwit Nick Knowles and one of the
Tweenies, in a wig:
+
=
Anyway, after his wife
gets murdered, he goes after the people responsible, all the way from the lowly
street thugs (facial tattoos, drink from bottles) to bent cops (unshaven,
crooked tie, hip flask) and finally a corrupt politician (cufflinks, constantly
drinking whisky with ice in a nice glass) and all levels of mid-rank goonery
between them.
Travolta is backed up
by loyal sidekick played by Christopher Meloni who not only out acts him, but is far, far
more credible in the action scenes. With the roles reversed, this coulda been a
half decent pile of action nonsense, as it is, it's fairly poo.
Very poo, actually.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3212232/
3/10
Perkin.
Jaws (1975)
Hungry fish eats
people forty years ago. Little known upon release, it has since faded into
complete obscurity.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0073195/
Fish/10
Perkin.
Debug (2014)
Tries to be like an
updated version of Event Horizon. Fails miserably.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2769184/
3/10
Perkin.
Term Life (2016)
Vince Vaughn plays a
man with hair so bad I suspect he is of Somerset ancestry. Forgettable
dullness.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2978102/
3/10
Perkin.
The Hatching (2014)
An alligator is
swimming around in Somerset killing people with terrible, terrible hair.
Possibly as a reaction to their woeful acting.
Justin Lee Collins
plays one of the characters, thank fuck this will almost certainly be one of
the last things he does that we can all forget about.
What a cunt.
3/10
Perkin.
10 Cloverfield Lane (2016)
Woman crashes her car
then wakes up in a bunker whilst an unspecified event has turned the world
bollock shaped outside.
Or has it?
Perhaps the guy who
owns the bunker is a bit of a wrong 'un and just wants to keep a lady in a
bunker.
Watch the film and
find out.
Not really anything
to do with Cloverfield, which is good as this is definitely the better film.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1179933/
7.7/10
Perkin.
Special Correspondents (2016)
Comedy with bits that
are occasionally funny. If you have a stronger tolerance of Ricky Gervais than
me, you'll probably enjoy it more than I did.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt4181052/
6.7/10
Perkin.
Precious Cargo (2016)
This was so generic
I've forgotten almost everything about it. I dunno, guns, punching, probably a
car chase and someone who lives in a flat with an impressive view of a city
skyline.
1/10
Perkin.
Hail, Caesar! (2016)
The Cohen brothers'
films are like watching 100 minutes of concentrated Guardian articles. Not the
good ones, where they do actual journalism, but the old shite where some ponce
babbles on for five hundred words about how a new brand of ethical wristwatch
offers the wearer a connection with Inuit tribes or some bollocks.
As in any outwardly
good intentions are lost in the fog of self-satisfaction and lofty smugness.
So, yeah, if you'll
excuse me, I'm off to watch Zombie Tit-Robots 2 or whatever bollocks we sit
through.
Found our level. Shut
up.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0475290/
3.5/10
Perkin.
High-Rise (2015)
This is based on a
book. I assume the book takes far too long to read, gets boring half way
through and disappears up its own arse near the end as well.
4/10
Perkin.
Eddie The Eagle (2016)
By the end of this
film you'll believe a man who looks like a massive paedo can fly!!!
And then fall over
when he lands.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1083452/
7/10
Perkin.
An American Werewolf In London (1981)
Film about a hirsute young fellow visiting Europe. Jolly good.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082010/
10/10
Perkin.
Cassidy Way (2016)
Some young folk
making a documentary get more than they bargained for when some guy locks them
in his basement and starts getting murdery after he mistakes them for employees
of the local Evilcorp who killed his kid ten years before.
With a better script,
this could've been half decent as the acting and production values are up to
par and whatnot, but it substitutes the nuance it needs with tedious torture
porn bollocks instead. Ho hum.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3294664/
4.4/10
Perkin.
London Has Fallen (2016)
Never saw the first
one about the White House falling, although if it was as bad as this fucking
dog's egg, I'm not missing much.
Didn't need to fuck
with Battersea Bridge though, that's taking the piss.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3300542/
2.5/10
Perkin
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