when i drank the honey lemon drink jux now, i was instantly reminded of liyana n how i would ask her to make me one whenever i was over at her's n there was tis girl who brought tis blue reebok shoe bag, it reminded of how she used to pass me tt when her hands were ful of books everydae after class.. truth is, i miss u.. in fact, i miss everyone of u guys.. its been forever since we meet up n hang out like how we used to.. i keep missin my fwens real bad, i wonder if they miss me as much or am i the only one bein in such a position...hope not..

todae's prac only had the four us turned up, i feel proud of wat we did together.. finally tt satisfaction feelin again.. now all i need is my 3 greatest fwens to reestablished themselves in our pracs..hopin..wishin.. i'll plead if i have to.. nywyaes.. sch was fun, didnt actually do nythin.. ayu fainted in sch but she's better now.. haiz... we all can make it thru the rain together cuz we all need each other..believe..

where are u ayu.. ure not online.. meanin total boredom..hahhak.. nywywaes.. i jux wanna plan further the dance thing for teachers dae.. surely we'll need to audition as well so i guess we need to finish the dance way earlier than 31st august cuz its the dae before the actual teachers dae.. when will we ever get started..hahahk.. cant wait.. till then...

ive finally cut my hair, went to far east wit ying, sorie shawn, i jux couldnt wait for another four daes.. goin sch tml.. hopefully i'll wake up early tis time.. still sick.. tink ban i rite, tt i dun get enuff rest.. but how to when there's sumthin everydae.. fuckin doctor only gave a dae mc but i deserve like more, seriously.. nvm.. nywyaes spend my dae wit ying at town.. ate at yoshinoya.. really nice, must eat there again.. then went to far east to cut my hair but steve wasnt there so ivy was the one who cut my hair.. turns out really nice..hahahkk.. then again i look nice in almost everythin..hahahk..kiddin.. tis style makes me look cuter than ever.. hahahk.. i wish..

its been awhile since i posted, ive not been home for awhile since i keep sleepin over at shawn's alot except for thurs.. its been fun being wit everyone.. goin out n all, not goin home.. not lookin to my father's face.. tt's all i ever wan.. to be away.. away from my so-called family, away from my livin condition cuz its not wat i deserve.... missin all the good times already wit my fwens.. schlin tml so no more fun till late at nite.. fever came back.. so now actually decidin if wanna go sch... but i need service my laptop.. haiz.. n i need to cut my hair.. cant wait for cheer prac, didnt cheer for a wk which is long...

ytd taught ban at coffee bean.. feels satisfied when he understands the concepts.. hehe.. later todae goin town wit ayu to use her vouchers.. then meetin shawn.. then dunno goin where... didnt realli plan wat to do.. nywyaes.. we're planin to perform for teachers dae at unity.. ayu, harny, bubz, liyana maybe syira n fiza, havent ask ard yet..

everythin's finally over.. now i can have all the time to myself n my fwens.. misses.. hehe.. still tired n irritated by the blisters at my feet for the past four daes.. very sleepy.. gotta sae tt i didnt felt it durin the comp.. as in really feelin it while performin.. nywyaes, didnt get to finals.. disappointed yet im okay.. tml goin to seoul garden wit my rp classmates.. cant wait to jump rite in..hahahk.. n meetin ban.. study.. if im not too late..hopefully.. thnxz liyana, boo n raidah for comin.. thanxz to jumari for the shirt n thanx to ban for the ideas, the shirt, the hair, the encouragement, the motivation, the smiles, the compliments, basically for everythin tt u've ever done for me..

finally, ive found time to write again.. i'll be performin for youth dae later todae at PA n boat quay n an encore for street fest tis sat n remix comp tis sun.. tirin, confusin, scarin.. lots of prac wit no rest.. pity me.. misses all of my fwens as alwaes..

im cryin again.. tts all i ever do.. n im gettin better at it.. tears flowed from nowhere i can trace... is tt true.. cuz i noe the source of it... i feel rejected.. like a useless tool to ny of my fwens.. then again im not helpful at all.. ppl dun see me as sumone to talk to nymore.. its like im taken for granted.. but then its kind of a usual thing.. still tryin to get use to it though.. ppl are tryin their best to get away from me.. to lose ny form of contact wit me.. am i tt dreadful to be wit..? tell me okay.. so i'll noe.. n i wont bother u nymore..

todae we went to jrg library jux to make sure vitrix were lyin bout the performance n it turns out, they did.. totally expected..liars.. after the thing finish, we dance to culo n i felt extremely nervous.. how to compete in remix then.. hahahk.. after tt we went to esplanade n played tis spottin game n took pics.. then we went to lau pa sat.. we got satay n i got chicken laksa n hot milo..nice.. then we to to the mrt n took more pics.. naz started wit his game of "who's last like sumone".. so it got us runnin not wantin to be last.. furnie crap.. really run.. naz was pullin me so i cldnt tap my ezlink but i managed..hahahk.. after tt we still ran from one end to the other end of the platform.. ppl were lookin at us like we're sum kinda juvenile delinquences... hahahak... we made alot of noise while waitin for the train to come n oso in the train.. hahahk..haiz.. then we met tis guy who tagged along.. he is super lame.. so ayu, taufiq n me split from the rest jux to lepak more.. taufiq bought a drink but there wasnt ny ice so it sux.. didnt really drink tt much.. we went home takin train.. taufiq insisted on takin the nxt train but it was the last train towards city hall.. tt made ayu mad n we were runnin ard to get away from her till the other train came.. in the train ayu was pinchin n did watever thingys to us.. hahahk.. really furnie... took a cab from cck since there's no more bus..

is it really true tt they are together.. its not clear wat im feelin rite now cuz i dunno wat im suppose to feel.. is tis normal or i havent let go.. i dunno.. how cld tis be.. i need sumone to help me.. make it clear to me of the things im goin thru cuz im not sure myself..

im feelin a lot of diff emotions at the same time.. one of the distincts ones is rejection.. i feel rejected from the ppl ard me.. feels hated by them.. for bein me.. i feel afraid of meetin ppl who are important to my fwens.. ppl who noes me hates me already n wat bout new ppl gettin to noe me... tt is if they wan to.. im cryin sad tears cuz i dun wanna be alone.. i need sumone real bad.. but im not important to allmy fwens.. so whose gonna talk to me..calm me down.. im lost.. i need my fwens.. but i cant control them.. i lead a disappointin life.. but im the one to be blame..

panickin real bad now.. i didnt apply for full time deferment..fuck.. tml goin rp to get a letter then goin to CMPB to apply personally.. i hate myself.. y didnt i do it earlier.. blame me.. fuck.. shakin.. i realli cant go to ns like tis.. i need to study.. no!!!!!! wat am i gonna do?!!!!!

was practicin for cheer actualli but things turn to a bad wae.. misunderstandings n watsoever.. being neutral as alwaes i didnt really see it as a fight but rather as a prob tt we can solve together..so not competin tis sat.. maybe performin though..hahahk..crapz.. then came dance.. dancesteps gettin so much harder.. i realise im not as discipline as i use to be.. i was so much more focus when workin wit hamzah.. i use to get the steps faster than i can do it now.. deteoratin.. sux.. givin my best though.. for remix.. for sophistifunk.. 11 more daes.. competin wit over 60 other crews.. to make it to finals.. tt wld mean the world..then again.. im scared of losin it again like the last performance...hope not..

had a picnic jux now..wit sophistifunk, sphynx n vitrix.. fun n nice... but not tt nice since ppl tt i wan to be there werent even there.. ate but still hungry as alwaes.. played dog n bone..unfair game..watever.. lenny, wana, ayu n me stayed longer.. we talked.. bout everythin..haiz.. got to noe the existence of a betrayal cycle tt surrounds me.. by one of my greatest fwen..tt sux..but i cant do nythin n they are actin infront of me..all tt they ever do is pretend.. n i hate pretenders.. fuck u guys..sent lenny home cuz she was sick..haiz.. thanxz again ban.. for helpin all tis while.. i tink its time for me to do u a favour.. a big one..

feelin the pressure rite now.. havent really grab hold of all the dance steps.. performin later at opp cineleisure carpark at 8.. jux hopin tt all my fwens will be comin down to support.. see ya..

tears cant even form behind my eyes as they all gushes rite out.. one of my greatest fwen hates me.. she hates me cuz of sumthin i didnt do... which is not replyin to her sms.. im sorie.. really i am.. i have no intention at all to do tt.. i was practicin all the while n i didnt touch my hp.. no matter how much u hate me, i'll alwaes lurve u.. nuthin's gonna change tt fact.. forgive me plz.. im sorie for being the so-called outsider and to give u tt impression tt i was tryin to break u guys up.. but i have nvr n will nvr do tt.. sorie.. plz..

i wake up late again todae.. tink my mind have switch off from wakin up early like how it alwaes does nearin the holidaes.. haiz.. it sux when ure kinda part of a clique but ure alwaes left out.. especially since every other person in it is related to one another in such other than fwens.. n since im only related to them as fwens.. naturally, im left out.. i cant do nythin.. u dun expect me to confront them or nythin like tt cuz i like being around them but now it seems like i nvr will get the chance to spend time wit them nymore.. i tink they hate me or izzit tt they tink im takin their hospitality for granted which is nvr the case.. i appreciate them so much cuz i noe i have nvr appreciate nyone more than tis.. maybe they jux hate me.. tt cant be blame since im jux me..

after sch i went to town wit ying... nice.. as in her.. major improvement..hahahk.. finally get to go out wit her.. she didnt wanna eat though.. dunno why.. haiz.. then we went to find high cut shoes.. got one nice one.. vans for 129.. argh!! heart pain.. then went to converse but no size..sobz.. cut hair at level 2.. steve the hairdresser was so precise n it turn out really nice..
im gonna come back cuz i luv it.. haiz.. then went to topman to buy plain tshirts.. heart pain once again cuz the tshirt i bought previously was $10 cheaper..then i went back n ying met jun.. i went early cuz of my all time favourite show: CHARMED.. very satisfyin..after so long of waitin.. happy.. kinda sad too cuz of wat happened earlier on..nvm..

my old self is back again.. im startin to expect alot from my fwens but i noe its wrong.. cuz i get hurt in the end.. todae is one example.. but i dun feel like noting it down.. thanxz for reading nywyaes..

i tink im sick..maybe i am..i have to empty my bowels but how.. the toilet is so eerie.. nvm.. i can hold it for a few more hour.. im still tired n later on there's gonna be cheer prac..gonna be super tired by then.. how?? i need more rest but i dun have the time.. sat is another performance.. dun tink i can recover..