 |
| Editor Christa Desir |
This simple change ramps the
sentence from basic showing to yikes! Heroine and pit musician Junior is late
getting to the theater and is about to miss the downbeat.
“Overture, please.” Up front the pit director called the musicians to attention.
Before:
I forked fingers into my hair, forgetting my scalp-tight braid, and nearly tore
out hair.
After:
I forked fingers into my hair, forgetting my scalp-tight braid, and nearly tore
out a chunk.
Here, a strategic pruning makes
for maximum emotional impact. At the sausage store heroine Junior is overrun by
customers. Hero Glynn sees this and acts.
Before:
Glynn saw my dilemma. Brilliant guy that he was, he glided to the door and did
his vampire compulsion thing. “Inside, please. Form the line here.”
I loved him a little more in that
moment.
He
shepherded them all in and shut the door, then nudged the line to wind through
the aisles. Oh wonderful man. Vampire. Whatever. I didn’t think I could love him any more.
Until
he got behind the counter and started bagging.
Keeper.
{Editor’s comment attached to
second highlighted sentence: So you need to either drop this one or the earlier
one bc it feels redundant.}
After:
Glynn saw my dilemma. Brilliant guy that he was, he glided to the door and did
his vampire compulsion thing. “Inside, please. Form the line here.”
He
shepherded them all in and shut the door, then nudged the line to wind through
the aisles. Oh wonderful man. Vampire. Whatever. I didn’t think I could love
him any more.
Until
he got behind the counter and started bagging.
 |
| Author Mary Hughes at work |
Keeper.
Am I the only writer who gets so
myopic with plot nuances that characterizations suffer? Here’s an example of inadequate
scene conflict coupled with character motivation issues. Heroine Junior goes to
villain Camille’s bar to ask Camille to return hero Glynn’s mementos of home. On
the way Junior aimlessly explores the bar (because I needed the descriptions
established for a later, more action-packed scene where detailed descriptions
would have been awkward). Camille says no and Junior makes a rude gesture and
leaves.
{Editor’s comment: This whole
previous scene doesn’t really work to me. [Junior] goes and asks for the
knickknacks and Camille won’t tell her so she leaves? I think at the very
least, you need her snooping around, trying to hunt around the place to see if
Camille hid them somewhere. Which will also give you the excuse you need to stumble
on all the rooms instead of Junior just being nosy. Then Camille can find her
and they can have that conversation. Then, I think Camille needs to throw her
out (w/ help of bodyguards) so we feel like she at least tried. As it stands,
she has accomplished nothing and it seems silly for her to have even gone.}
Solving two problems with one
stroke—sheer genius. Naturally I rewrote the scene.
Best of all, an editor will tell
you what works well, so that you can build on your strengths. At the end of Biting Oz’s first chapter, blue-eyed friend
Julian (husband to friend Nixie) is warning heroine Junior not to go out for
drinks with hero Glynn and young stage star Mishela.
[Julian] was warning me off, just like Nixie…no, not just like Nixie, because of Nixie. The bricky titch had pulled a Business Maneuver #5—siccing a well-meaning relation on me. [ …] “Not like us? Are they brain-sucking zombies? Space aliens?” I gasped. “Mimes?”
"No, of course not.” He looked away. “Not exactly.”
“Then what? Exactly.”
“Well, I…” Frustration shaded his features. “I can’t say.” His eyes returned to mine and they were an eerie shade of violet. “But be very careful.”
That shook me. Smiling to cover it, I latched onto Rocky’s arm and pulled her out the door. He watched me with those strange violet eyes the whole way.{Editor’s comment: Outstanding chapter one!!!}
Real vampires do musicals.
Biting Oz
(Biting Love Book 5)
Gunter
Marie “Junior” Stieg is stuck selling sausage for her folks in small-town
Meiers Corners. Until one day she’s offered a way out—the chance to play pit
orchestra for a musical headed for Broadway: Oz, Wonderful Oz.
But
someone is threatening the show’s young star. To save the production, Junior
must join forces with the star’s dark, secretive bodyguard, whose sapphire eyes
and lyrical Welsh accent thrill her. And whose hard, muscular body sets fire to
her passions.
Fierce
as a warrior, enigmatic as a druid, Glynn Rhys-Jenkins has searched eight
hundred years for a home. Junior’s get-out-of-Dodge attitude burns him, but
everything else about her inflames him, from her petite body and sharp mind to
what she can do with her hip-length braid.
Then
a sensuous, insidious evil threatens not only the show, but the very
foundations of Meiers Corners. To fight it, Junior and Glynn must face the
truth about themselves—and the true meaning of love and home.
Warning:
Cue the music, click your heels together, make a wish and get ready for one
steamy vampire romance. Contains biting, multiple climaxes, embarrassing
innuendos, ka-click/ka-ching violence, sausage wars and—shudder—pistachio
fluff.
More
about the Author:
Mary
Hughes is a computer consultant, professional musician, and award-winning author.
She has a wonderful husband (though happily-ever-after takes a lot of hard
work) and two great kids. But she thinks that with all the advances in modern
medicine, childbirth should be a lot less messy. Visit Mary at http://MaryHughesBooks.com.
More
About the Editor:
Christa
Desir is not only a spectacular editor, she is also also the author of intense young
adult novels. Her powerful story Trainwreck
is coming from SimonPulse. Visit Christa at http://ChristaDesir.com
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