...

it has been fun lately, with her presence. a new flesh and blood for me to play with, to share things with, and to hug and kiss. but what is this strange feeling that i had lately?

Have i not been able to let go of the past?


I dreamt of "her", again and again, and the nightmares goes on. It robs me of my ability to think properly during the daylight, and or when i am around my girlfriend. "She" hurts me once, and this thing keeps going on and on and on...

God, please help me when nobody else can...

one last cry

"One Last Cry"
My shattered dreams and broken heart
Are mending on the shelf
I saw you holding hands
Standing close to someone else
Now I sit all alone
Wishing all my feelings was gone
I gave my best to you
Nothing for me to do
But have one last cry

One last cry
Before I leave it all behind
I gotta put you out of my mind this time
Stop living a lie
I guess I'm down to my last cry
------------------------------------------

it has been 1 months since the incident, but i keep getting back to square one.

Like the words suggest, i need to give it up, but why crying is always the hardest thing for me to do.
It is so easy to get myself hurt, but why i cannot let it go and moved on.

I need to get up, stop living in this imagery world of my own. i need to be strong. but why cant i.

Living each day with this burden in my head is proven too much for me. i need to seek a help. somewhere, somehow. or else...

and now i start to sounds like a sissy.. i am a man for christ's sake..

Hope... shows something bad as good, like a curtain which hides things on the stage.

Hope...Drives people. Like a hungry animal which is lured by the smell of food, humans will also follows the pathway where they think hope is ahead..

Hope... Is a devilish instrument. Coz it torment people, by failing what humans are hoping for. It allows people to work as hard as they can, searching for hope which might not be achieved before their lives are over.

Basically, those of you, who gives hope to other people but planning to fail those hopes. You are not more than devils.

Yeah. Like what you did to me too. Your false hopes tormented me. And i wished that u wouldnt even bothered to do all those things we did tgthr. F**king Wh**e
anw.. Lives goes on!
Life has been great here, despite the fact that i lack socializing. sigh. Need to buckle up wif it, or i will have a hard time in Uni. And my personality is not those kind which can make friends easily
Miss u all, 05s12, ARC, hostelites, the Indons! haha. Taking result soon. Damn scared, but looking forward to it.
Cheerios!! SEE YOU ALL NXT WEEK!! MISS U GUYS

Membuka Lembaran Baru

Happy NEW YEAR!!! with 2006 has become a history, lets make 2007 an even better year for all of us.

Kinda miss the life in 2006. All the friendship, all the hardwork we put for our cca, and all the mugging we did for our A lvl. It was a very torturing experience, but somehow i missed it. Sense the irony?

Ok, talking about new year resolution, this is my resolution for 2007: Same as 2006

my resolution for 2006: same as 2005

My resolution for 2005: same as 2004

my resolution for 2004: same as 2003

my resolution for 2003: same as 2002

my resolution for 2002: stop making all those impossible-to-fulfill new year resolutions.

Yeah, i am so realistic in life.

New year, new life, new sadness in life.. Sometimes your past can be like a ghost who will always keep lingering around you no matter where you go, and its getting bigger and bigger. But we have to live with it. Bear it, pay no heed to it, keep moving on.

Lets be more positive in this new year! OOZZZ!!..... Amen!

.....

Attitude transplant never work..

Its.. Christmas!!!

Ho...Ho...HO!!! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

as Santa always says..

haha, i cant remember when's the last time i celebrate christmas with my family.. Living in Singapore sure takes some sacrifice, and this is juz one of them... its my first christmas with family in the last 2 years, because last year i went back early becoz of training.. sigh...

anw..

Christmas... If we hear of it, straightaway most of us will start thinking of Santa Claus, Christmas tree, or even the presents below it.. But, this mindset should not be had among us.
We often forgot that Christmas is actually to commemorate the day when Jesus Christ was born into our world, to save every mankind, poor or rich. The day when the King of all Kings was born of the virgin Mary in the most humble place, the sheep stable...

But often due to the many commercialism of Christmas day, we only see christmas as the day when shops give a lot of unnecessary discounted items, in order to increase their profit.. New clothes, presents, and food to commemorate Christmas are consumed greatly every year, and many businessman sees this as opportunity. Maybe its true that Christmas is the day when people are encouraged to give, in order to build bonds with others. But i think that it is seen in the wrong way by a lot of people as the day to make a lot of bargain.. thanks to all the commercialism...

Seriously, i dont think God encourage us to do such thing.. u know, spend so much money on luxurious things, go out for dinner in expensive restaurant, etc.. The spirit of giving of christmas is actually making good deeds during christmas, such as donating money to the poor, not otherwise..

ok, enough of my opinion...

Aniwae, to all who even bother to read my blog.. i wish u all, christian or not, a MERRY CHRISTMAS!! May we show each other mercy, spirit of giving, and love, in this holy day of the year.

gotta sleep soon... dying already..

nitezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Yaawwnn...

damn sleepy.. 1.49, indon time (2.9 in sg), and as usual, this "insomnia" of mine is really bugging me like mad.... sleepy, but cant sleep.. see the irony in that?

anw, in the middle of my boring holz, i actually managed to ask sum1 to watch a movie wif me.. haha, wat a great achievement.. Me n my friend, Mirna, was watchin this movie titled, "A Nativity Story", telling about how Jesus was born in the Betlehem, how Mother Mary and Joseph ran away from the reaching dark hand of Herod, the selfish King.. And the strange thing is, me who planned alltheway to watch DejaVu, all of a sudden change my mind to watch this movie.. hmm... call this the Christmas miracle..

I planned to ask some other ppl to come along wif, but for some reasons, its only left wif both of us.. actually i would hav prefer like tis, coz goin in a large group is sumtime hard to manage.. and Mirna is sure fun to be with, and she is one of my friends i am most comfortable to speak with... Well, i bet i am juz one of many other ppl who think the same way.. She is really good to engage a conversation...

And guess the other Christmas miracle i experienced today..

Another friend of mine, named Olivia (or also well known of Om Olip), went to church today!!! after like....2? 3 years? ... i dunno, maybe more... Seeing Olip in church is almost as rare as finding a duck mating with a dog... if u get what i mean...

ok.. my eyes are getting harder to open.. time to sleep..
yaawwwnn

the curse of the one thousand feet (kaki seribu, gw gk tau bhs englishny)

memang kadang2, hidup manusia itu penuh ke-ironis-an....

gw inget banget dulu waktu hidup gw di JC2, ditemani dengan tumpukan kertas2 lecture notes yang udah menggunung... di saat2 exam dah mau mulai, dan gw dengan amat teramat sangat teramat terpaksa sekali banget ( hiperbola sedikit) untuk mempelajari setiap helai kertas2 tsb, gw sering sekali ngomong and ngoceh sndiri, " duhhhhhhh.. kapan sih gw liburan??? kok kgk libur2???"

Memasuki minggu ke tiga liburan, gw sudah mulai merasakan gak enakny dari liburan, dan hal yang gak mengenakkan hati ini sering dikenal dengan bahasa gaul, Bete...(artiny bad mood kalo gk salah)... Ya jelas bete lah, liburan dah gk tau mo ngapain.. dah lose touch ama tmn2 indo, plus gk ada transportasi etc etc, ditambah rasa males buat beranjak dari ranjang... Akhirnya sisa2 liburan panjang 7 bulan gw hanya bakalan ditemenin sama beberapa teman2 setia gw... TV 14 inch kamar gw, laptop, gitar and amp, PS 2 tercinta, and my ultimate-and-most-loyal-fren...... my bantal guling yg senantiasa menemani hari2 kesepianku di rumah.. hiks.. dan gw mulai merindukan masa2 gw disiksa oleh gumpalan2 kertas pas di JC, merindukan ujian peperiksaan tingkat A yang dulu sering gw maki2 gk jelas sndirian...

Memang benar dulu kata seorang bijak (gw, of course...), yang namanya manusia itu, gk pernah puas... dikasih hati, minta jantung.. dikasih jantung, minta usus... dikasih usus, minta anus.. dan pas dikasih anus... eh, malah minta hati...

Tapi ditengah2 masa kesendirian gw di rumah, gw suka ngalamin kejadian2 menegangkan!!! (walau belum semenegangkan didatengin suster ngesot)

misalnya, gw kasih contoh... gw dapet kutukan dari si one thousand feet alias kaki seribu..

minggu lalu, gw nemuin ada nih satu kaki seribu lagi bergentayangan di lantai kamar mandi gw pas gw lagi mandi... (mau ngintip kali ya.. iiihh, genit..) dan, secara spontan, jelas aj gw ambil objek terdekat yg gw bisa raih untuk dilempar ke tuh kaki seribu... spontan, tuh kaki seribu menggelepar, alias sekarat bin mampoes.. gw ambil tissue toilet, trus langsung gw flush ke septik teng... "Adios Amigos!" dalam hati gw, mengira ini adalah perpisahan selamanya...

ternyata gw salah

esokny, pas gw lagi maen PS 2 sendirian di ruang tamu (bonyok lagi keluar ada urusan), gw kedatangan tamu gak diundang... nih tamu dengan seenakny menjatuhkan diri dari langit2 dan mendarat di atas kepala gw... spontan, gw kira itu cicak, n dengan santainya gw pegang tuh "cicak".. di saat itulah gw mulai curiga, kok cicak banyak bulu2nya??... dan pas gw liat, gw sadar.. apa yg gw pegang itu.....SI KAKI SERIBU!!!!!

akal sehat gw sampai sekarang masih gk bisa nerangin, kenapa kaki seribu bisa2nya merayap di langit2 rumah??? padahal gw kira cuman cicak yg bisa begitu... jangan2 nih makhluk adalah siluman kaki seribu yang melakukan special occasion untuk melakukan balas dendam atas apa yg gw lakukan sama dia (atau sanak saudaranya).. hiiiiiyyy.. bulu roma gw berdiri kl inget nih kejadian..

apa yg gw bisa pelajari dari pengalaman gw... semua makhluk punya akal sehat dan mungkin aj bisa balas dendam dengan suatu cara...

tiba2, gw langsung inget film son go ku, dimana siluman2 kaki seribu dapat menjelma sebagai cewek2 cakep bin geulish (sunda, artiny cantik)... dan gw ngebayangin, jangan2 tuh kaki seribu juga bisa berubah kayak gitu...

Wah, kalo gitu, gw gk keberatan deh dijatohin kaki seribu lagi.. asal yg ini dah menjelma sebagai manusia... hehe.. (sebagai cewek cakep, preferably. bayangin aja kl tuh siluman tau2 cowok.. mending ketiban becak deh gw...)

Q and A : Q:" trus, apa yang terjadi sama tuh kaki seribu yg jatoh ke kepala elo?"

A:" Nasibnya sama persis sama saudaranya, cuman yang kali ini ketiban stik PS2"

Rest in Peace, thousand feet!

what singapore has taught me, and a tribute to all my friends in singapore

Its arnd 1.40 a.m (jakarta time) as i am writing this. 2 weeks has passed since the day i left my 2nd home country, Singapore. As i have much more free time than durin A lvl period, i spend more and more time for myself.

Thinking, reminiscing, regretting.

So much things are running in my mind. Mostly about how i have spent my last 4 years in singapore.

Such a waste...

Looking back, i regret a lot of things.

I regret myself, being a mugger during secondary school life, which i shld hav spent to socialize wif my classmates.

I regret myself, for not trying harder in my CCA, for not performing up to standard during the nationals, and for not doing a better job as a Training officer, which if only i did, zhen iang, shawn and me would have been holding a silver or even gold trophies, and do our school proud.

I regret myself for having such a bad english, and for not being able to speak chinese, as if i did, i shld be able to bond well with my classmates, being able to respond well and not being blur in any conversations with them, and forming a stronger bonds with my teammates, which i hardly spoken wif.

I regret myself for not being a more sociable person, as if i did, i would have made better friends, friends for life, friends that you will keep in touch wif, friends who will care for you as much as you care for them.

This is what singapore has taught me. time is a precious thing that will not come back as it passed by, like water flowing in the river.. dont waste it. every second counts.. dont take life for granted.

Then what about all the lessons that we have learnt during lectures? what about A level? what about O level? Its all completely pointless, if we think about it properly.

We WILL remember school life for other things, outside the academical stuff. you will remember your friends, for the time that you have spent together, when you laugh to ur heart content, cries to each other's shoulders when somebody is in despair, and the hardwork and sweat that you have poured in preparation of the national competition, when you play bridge together in the ARC range (Auntie, ZI, Ben, Shawn, nu er, i did enjoy our games tgther) or when Mr Chow scolded you together wif your teammates when he thought u werent commited enough for training ( I miss u VJC ARC).

you will remember the time when we skip lectures together, when you climb the school gates juz for the sake of playing Dota together (ZH, JS, Jer, i hope u remember), the time when your CT rep caught you for doing that, or when you play ping pong tgther like some kampung kids who have nothing better to do (JW, YJ, JS, u rmbr?), or when you learn guitar for the 1st time, and spend the whole night walking together across singapore river accompanied by your friends (you know who you are, snail...). in the next 10 years, you wont even give a shit about your story on how you study hard for A lvl and get your, say, 5 As and 2 Ds.

My last message to all of u idiots who even bother to read this boring blog until this very line....

Life meant so much more than simply studying, or working hard for your future for the sake of collecting as much money as u can, as in ur old times, it wont matter anymore. what matters is ur memory on how you enjoyed life, all the unforgettable experience that you have spent together with your friends, all the love from your family and ppl around you.

And to all of you who have read this blog, and who have given colours to my plain and dull life, i simply thank you.

And this, is the tribute i made for all of u.

sorry for what i wrote.. i am kinda in the mellow kind of mood.. u know.. 2 a.m, alone in my room, and cant sleep..

Till our path cross again.

Intro

hola, welcome to tis blog of mine...

A friend of mine told me that making a diary is a way to channel all your emotions and at the same time allow you to improve your linguistic ability. and that had inspired the creation of this blog.

this blog will serve as a media to let out all my thoughts, ideas, and feelings.

hope u like it.