ZiggyZag

2008 is here, it's here and it's finally here in just 300 minutes away. Am I excited? I don't know! It's just another date in another month.

So in brief, what have I done in 2007? Have I learned something out of some events? Have I made new friends? Have I asked someone for forgiveness? Have I this? Have I that? Have I blah blah blah? And finally what do I plan to achieve in 2008?

2007 was truly not an easy year to go through. It went past quickly though but it wasn't easy at all.

• I wanted to quit in March, wanted to leave this workplace and settle somewhere with lesser conflicts and stupidity.
• I had harsh words spat on my face about my qualification as a Malaysian graduate in ESL.
• I planned our 7th Year Anniversary and spent quite a handsome amount for the celebration.
  
• I get to meet very good students and maintain good close bond with them.
  
• I learned quickly what is needed to be initiative at work without slowing down any learning process.
  
• I recognized the importance taking good care of myself, to really learn at work and to identify the gist of decision making and choice theory.
  
• I lost friends but I also met and made more good friends at the end of 2007.
• I could see clearer the blurred path ahead of me.
  
• I gained many KGs but managed to lose about 2kg during this 3 week holiday :D
• I have stronger determination to lose more weight :)
  
• And now, I pluck up my courage to work harder to pursue my childhood dream. And if this doesn't work out, I shall not give up as more alternatives will be explored.
  

I just received this link from Fred. If you do not understand spoken Cantonese, it has Chinese subtitles for you. If you can't understand both, errm just watch it will do...Enjoy and have a good laugh!

This experience, only Uncle Chong who lives 4 houses away from my mom's will understand this the most.

It was quite sudden when he had his attack, well obviously! He couldn't breathe, hands clutched and couldn't even mouth a word. Lips sunken and face turned white. That happened in the middle of morning service, I was watching from afar while my mom was with him at that time. He was then rushed to the hospital. He was alright after drips and discharged the same day. Doc said his blood pressure dropped and suspected food poisoning as the main cause.

Last night we went to his house. My mom who was a little traumatized was rather worried for his condition. He had nothing to eat except biscuits and slept in the living room. He had no appetite so mom made him orange juice with a teaspoon of honey. He couldn't speak much and up until an hour ago, his condition remains the same.

Uncle Chong lives alone. He is in his 70s, not married and no close relatives. I must say, he is quite a bitter, old man. When asked about his relatives' contact numbers, he refused to give us and just answered angrily that he has no relatives at all. Only later I found out from Father Chen and mom that his own nephew conned him RM70,000 and living comfortably in a big Semi-D somewhere in my town. I'm not sure what exactly was the story but I could see Uncle Chong was very upset the moment we asked for contact.

I truly wonder how Uncle Chong really feel right now. What is in his mind?

"Think about this question", said mszak. "Are you the tree or the boy / man?"

I didn't know the sharing came so strongly from me. I was still toying with what to say until it was my turn to speak. I paused then I started thinking about the responsibilities I was given since young. I knew in that situation, I chose to shoulder the responsibilities and therefore I wanted to say I was the giving tree. I was unsure. I was battling in my mind coz I am aware that I wasn't as giving as the Giving Tree. I was still very much the boy / man who was 'forced' to be the giving tree at home. "I felt really tired." That came
to my mind before I could even speak and what I know next was the 'raindrops'. I felt very embarrassed for being so emotional over this sharing.

Later in the evening, I received sms from L that says, "Hi, didn't manage to touch base with you just now. Hope things are ok. Appreciated your frank sharing..It helped the rest of us open up. Take care. And hv a good break!"

Am I surprised? Very much....

I have once told my friends that if I was ever found dead, it must be a murder as I wouldn't want to end my life, I want my life very much!

When I close my eyes for the last time, I guess there are many things I regret not doing, not being able to do, or not having the chance to do it. As of today, I guess my only regret is to not having a chance to say sorry to my dad.

This is my ultimate regret and this guilt has been with me for many years. I couldn't seem to shirk that off. I openly shared this with students, reason was simple; I didn't want them to commit the same mistake I did.

Having said this, my point is being silent is the key or my conclusion when a problem arise. I didn't mean being silent all the time, but at least for the first stage of the situation.

I remembered how I looked into my dad's eyes and yelling in my heart how much I hate him. I hated him, simply because I didn't get what I wanted. Childish? Naive? Spoiled brat? And all I got few hours after that fight was having to witness my dad broke down feeling chest pain and how he kept trying to down water to his throat. And barely 3 hours after he was sent to the hospital, the two young doctors came out from the emergency room saying; "Sorry, we did our best" Huh? Aren't these scene and dialog familiar? From TV show right? I wanted to laugh, laugh in disbelief, I couldn't piece the picture nor the stories yet. I didn't really know what was going on except that my dad was pronounced dead.

I went to his side, saw him lying there motionless. I didn't get to say anything. When I opened my mouth, I didn't know what to say. I knew then everything was too late.

So when people commented that I seem calm and composed before saying something, I guess that's because I didn't want to say for the sake of saying. When I prefer to remain silent over a misunderstanding or verbal fight, that's because I didn't want to make the same mistake by saying something that caused me another guilt trap.

I'm learning to be a Christian. Saying this makes me feel ashamed at times as I don't visit churches. So am I still learning to be a Christian?

I am very puzzled with this. Many 'better' Christians will start saying I should visit churches. Of course then it makes me feel so guilty for not. But what is exactly stopping me? Not God for sure. It's the people.

I went to a few. One when I was very young, the older lady sitting next to me woke me up aggressively for dozing off on my seat. I was probably around 8? I didn't understand the reason for attending churches services, even though the meaning remains vague to date, I didn't resent for going. I still go but not on a weekly basis.

When I pray and when I have my quiet time with Him, I often ask Him if I was at fault for not attending churches. I feel guilty for knowing the fact I should attend but my actions did not speak.

I spoke to The Philosopher one day during dinner, and he asked me a very good question. "Do all people who attend churches behave the way they should as a Christian?" My instant answer was NO. No because I saw too many people who identify themselves as His children but did not even do what he or she should at other times. They call themselves Christians, boasted about the good work they have done for the community, for the world but they treated their home helper as if they were begging for a meal, they speak with zero sense of humility, they have little gestures to make fun of others; say rolling their eyes or adding unnecessary remarks. Then very quickly when someone asks who is a Christian, these people will stand up with their hand raised up high in the air while saying out loud without thinking twice; “YES I AM! DO YOU NEED MY GUIDANCE WITH THE BIBLE?”

That question posed by The Philosopher had seriously eased my mind. Why? I felt at eased because I knew I have been good. I have been POLITE to everyone, I have been UNDERSTANDING to everyone, I have displayed CARE & CONCERN to people around me INCLUDING my family members (not just to friends, colleagues, students or strangers), I make sure I do not CHEAT or LIE to reap some benefits for my own and I do my BEST at everything I am doing. Over coffee talk, if I speak of somebody else’s doings, I make sure they are nothing but the TRUTH. And for what I have done, I am less guilty when I face Him. I knew I have been a good person so one day shall I become a true Christian, I can uphold that identity.

The Philosopher affirmed me that by saying so, it doesn’t mean it acts as the best excuse for not attending churches still. I should go when I’m all ready. I want that. I want to be ready. I didn’t want to attend for the sake of attending, or for the sake of other people when they asked me along. I want to attend when it’s my inner call that says GO. Then I won’t back out halfway or give up. I know this mindset is not the answer ‘BETTER’ Christians are looking for, but I think this is my relationship or understanding with Him, so others should not interfere.

All and all, I just want to be a good person. If not contributing to the society, I think the least I can do is to be good, adding another good deed to the society.

Tuesday was supposed to be the day to convert my license. I have all my documents ready and when I thought all are fine and was about to check the documents in the folder again.