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I just wanted to say that sometimes, before you get a diagnosis, whatever it is, be it something rare or common, when the signs and symptoms are vague, general and/or difficult to catch and you look like a young healthy person, you inevitable get off the conventional radar. And when things come out negative, more often than not, you get brushed off or swept under the rug into the 'general group' for all the symptoms you have had, being given symptomatic treatment that doesn't seem to solve things completely and you live your life in a sort of limbo because there is no answer.
Then you start doubting yourself, "Am I crazy?" "Am I imagining things?" "Is it all in my head?" "Am I making a big deal out of nothing?" "But how can this be nothing?", and it is so unhealthy. It tormented me for the longest time. It took me years to get to where I am, even for a condition so common. It is unreasonable to blame any doctors (and I don't) because they were just working with whatever information they had and I was bad at communicating my health and worse at bringing myself to the doctor's, but I thank the incidental breakthroughs and hope that the meds now will really work for me and help me feel normal again. The blood tests are still not shifting for the better but it takes time and my dose is low, so fingers crossed. I don't want/need anymore surprises, now that I'm so close to commencing my studies. I just can't imagine what it's like if it were someone else with a rare medical condition having to go through all that, and worse. It is just unimaginable.
4.7.2022
Can't remember exactly when I decided I wanted to become a vet, maybe about 8 or 0, but I know that by 10 I was seriously working hard towards a dream I knew was nearly impossible for me to fulfil. And I can't believe I kept at it for so long. There is a fine line between being determined and being obsessed and I always questioned myself if I were the latter, beating myself up for fear that I was being irrational. It almost felt as if whether I managed to do the degree eventually at some point in my life or not would determine whether I was a tenacious person or just a mad woman. It was at times unbearable.
I am truly glad and relieved that I didn't have to live with that question all my life, and I was blessed with the love, opportunity and support to pursue what I have always wanted to pursue. It comes at a cost and it is by no means easy, but I am finally on a path to find the answers, moving on and overcoming that deep wedge in my life.
It wasn't easy holding on to dreams like these in a very practical world. It oftentimes chewed my up inside. We have to be pragmatic and I was so, as much as I was a romantic. I always planned my path so that each step built on it as best possible, so that I had what I needed and could go back to veterinary medicine if I ever had the chance. But in those times where veterinary medicine were never an option for me, I also had to develop myself, find alternative paths, and explore the parts of me that may be viable as well. It gets tiring, thinking of all the different paths, and sometimes spending energy on something that is always out of reach from you and holding on to it can cause so much pain. It was a constant reminder of what you could not have, and you begin to question yourself, "Is it really worth it?" "It's most probably not gonna work out anyway." And all this time it has brought you nothing but disappointment.
I grew tired of always restraining myself when it came to finances. I never indulged much because I always felt that if I had the money to indulge, I'd rather save that for vet school. And a point in time comes where you wonder who and what are you really saving for. And the same was true for being pragmatic about my dreams and career choices. There comes a point where you wonder just how important is exploring what keeps your soul burning the brightest in relation to sustaining yourself reliably in this world?
But I guess I am truly blessed to be able to say that after being in that tight, dark and stressful space for so long, I have managed to crawl out of it. And that for me, when I pursued the things that were important to me in my life, things somehow fell into place and aligned with time, even if they didn't seem so before, and I am finally where I am now. I am sure that the young me would be so ecstatic and proud. If anything, I am happy and proud of myself.
I am truly blessed to be in the position I am in now. I know that it is partly because of my own efforts but it is also largely because of the love, opportunity and support that has been given to me. There are probably so many people in the world who are just as deserving, if not more deserving, but are not as fortunate as I am to be doing what I am doing now. And I know how it feels like to be on the other side of the road. So I really want to cherish everything, the good and also, if not especially, the bad, because it is so precious and such a blessing for me to be here doing what I have always wanted to do.
Even as things get rough and tough, I hope that I can keep reminding myself that, reminding myself of how far I have come, and what truly matters, and to keep on smiling with my head held high because it's okay. Everything will be okay ♡.
23.9.2022
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Like the ebb and flow of the tides, what I really want is to be held tightly by the waves that I have pushed away from the pain that my immeasurable love has costed me. As I stand by the sea with the sand draining through my feet, I wish for a place to pour my soul deep, for the sorrows of my heart from doing what's right engulfs me, even as I do not regret anything.
"It takes time to make good stuff." - Suo Noodle Maker
This world is too fast for me 19.11.2022
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It has been a while, hasn't it. There were times when things were really hard and others when it was better. I remember feeling suffocated at home and for being back in this society, choking on the lack of personal space and prevailing expectations and norms. I remember that episode of late night panic attack after my work trial as a veterinary nurse. It shook my very being and the doubt and fear peaked like never before in that aspect of my core. I also remember the time of my rejection, which I did not ask for, and feelings of abandonment that cut through my wounds, giving forth to a bout of bleeding once more. I did not know it possible for tears to fall so hard, for so long, while running, as if each time were worse than before. I recall my struggles and depressive feelings while challenging myself to learn to drive, and though I haven't driven since I passed (and a manual license at that!), I am proud of myself despite it all. There was also one very recent day where I had an absolutely bad day at work and I broke down exhausted by the poolside, with reproach and doubt. Not to mention the many nights surrounded in my thoughts, unable to escape, and others where I awaken in distraught and physical pain. And these, only to name a few.
But thankfully, all of them passed. And how grateful I am for that. All that kept me together and tided my through while I was hanging by the thread all this while, be it something I sought or something that sought me, I am eternally thankful for. People and words that kept me sane, thoughts and memories that held my hand, and little things and moments that freed my grasp. The waves of time slowly but surely healed me, with every push and every pull, as I rocked quietly on the shore. I remembered how it was like to marvel at the shining dust caught in the morning sun. I remembered the sound of my own voice and the way the world sang. I remembered to breathe and wait until my mind and body caught up with my heart and let the feelings spill forth. I remembered how the pain when expressed alone can be tolerable. For I was slowly getting better. I do not know when there might be a dip again, and I do no wish to diminish it by mentioning it now, but I thought that I should document the better times as well, so that I may know that I can stand strong and sure one day even while shaking inside or out, and that it did not seem to far to reach. I hope that the person I am tomorrow will carry the pain of the past and give myself a hug. For we have come so far and have so much more to accomplish, and I can see it today, for a long, long way.
Why is it that when I'm home, I feel incapable? 13.2.2021
Chasing your dream takes hard work and tenacity; believing in yourself, fighting the comfort of certainty and surrounding disapproval and doubt; and keeping your support close to you. 19.4.2021
Maybe I've been amongst the lions for too long that I have cheated myself into thinking I was one too, when all along I was just a kitten. 2.6.2021
Back to being alone and bearing things alone. Feels like a part of me died or closed up again, regressing to how I was before in order to survive the pain and society. But this strength also feels like a facade. 22.6.2021
Giving up all that I've known and questioning all that I am. 28.6.2021
Looking back at how I was is painful. When did all the dark blow out the light? 28.6.2021
Some days were so hard that I didn't give a dam about wearing the raincoat and showed up to work drenched from top to toe from cycling in the rain. But even then, deep down I still loved being where I was. I loved the job, the people, and the environment. I was lucky to be surrounded by lovely people, in a lovely environment when I was going through these tough times. I'm glad I'm (maybe only) remembering all the good parts, because it fills me with happiness, support and love. I sacrificed a lot, but I like looking back on everything fondly. 18.7.2021
Someone to walk the journey with. 10.8.2021
And sleep in the stars above all that was, and find peace in your heart that the present can't hold. 23.8.2021
And soon the time will come when the time we've spent apart is longer than we were together. 5.10.2021
キラキラ光る星のせいか、 遥か遠くの貴方を思い出す。 彼方の大雪は私の心まで、 覆ってくれないかな。 6.1.2022
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I just want to sit down and stare into space. 14.8.2020
It doesn't matter how much you love them if they don't love you back so. 22.8.2020
誰かの歩幅に合わせるのはもう嫌なんだ。 30.8.2020
I could give you the ocean, but what can I do if all you want is the sky. 30.8.2020
Maybe I should say goodbye. 31.8.2020
I'm exhausted. 3.9.2020
I want to go home where there is no hurt. 5.9.2020
Sometimes we just want someone to show us that we are wrong, that we were right. 5.9.2020
Scars don't hurt, memories do. 7.9.2020
I'm too scared to run the old path where memories are too thick. 14.9.2020
No regrets giving when I can still give. 22.9.2020
I miss you so hard tonight, my tears are so warm on my cheeks. 4.11.2020
I'm sad and scared you'd get used to not having me around. And you'd be okay with not having me around. 9.11.2020
Have you ever had reality, bad thoughts and bad feelings hit you like a blast? And you wished for a time when it was all just sadness. 25.11.2020
叫ぶこともできず、 ただただ、頭が痛い。 25.11.2020
It hurts to see myself smile so bright before. How did I ever do that? 27.11.2020
Someone to stop and smell the flowers with me. 26.12.2020
Soft evening light. 29.12.2020
How do you make someone who matter so much to you matter less? 6.1.2021
The path I'll miss. Day or night. Rain or shine. Happy or sad. Full of surprises. Ever so free. Ever so beautiful. Always my home. 15.1.2021
The greatest grief gives you great power. 27.1.2021
Even now, I can picture myself huffing white puffs of breath as I ran in the night. Following the river and guided by the moon, the stars and the lights, I feared not the dark. I can feel the tightness in my chest, the weariness in my legs, the blood using through my head, the cold air in my breath and the wind on my skin. I can see it, all so clearly. 29.1.2021
I miss coming home to a DVD that my mom bought, and everyone sitting round the TV with the air conditioning turned on. 31.1.2021
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Before I decided to write this, a rather big event occured. Hence the post. But before writing this, another rather big event occured and now I have two things to write about. How painful it is to see your feelings sway and run awry with just a simple event or act when in actual fact nothing apparent is supposed to have changed. I saw a quote posted by my childhood best friend whom I still hold dear, and how apt that is indeed.
"It is both a blessing And a curse To feel everything So very deeply."
d.j
I've always loved sunsets, and I still do. They are beautiful, somewhat melancholic, in the good way. Their colours and silence speaks so loudly to my heart, it overwhelms and embraces me like nothing else. But recently, I've come to find sunsets to be tinged with a little too much sadness. Of course, that is but my perception, but things somehow shifted my feelings. I've always thought the sunrise to be pretty nice but it never instilled the hope and energy that others raved about. But recently, it does feel like the sunrise brings with it an acknowledgement of life, and with that permission to be and hope.
This probably happened because of the first big event that happened to me. I went hiking and got lost on the way down. It was a loop course, hence it wasn't the same path back. I followed the wrong path thinking it was right, and despite having doubts and trekking back twice, I still went ahead. To be fair, it was not without good reason that I kept going along, though I do admit that I was inexperienced in that I didn't expect the route to be so overgrown with long grass and thick brambly bushes that made distinguishing the right path from the wrong so difficult. But by the time I realised, there was no going back.
As foolish as it was, and as much as I hate to admit it, I made the wrong decision. As things slowly dawned on me, I knew I was on the wrong path. The valley got steeper and steeper, and there were no footprints on wet mud. I struggled more and more. As I went down the valley, my legs shook. Not only from my bad knees but also from how scared I was. I was scared and frightened, and I knew it so well but I didn't want it to get the best of me and freak out so I just kept trying to keep calm. I did my best to breathe and pressed on. I thought about how I had to find my way back and make it in time for the bus. But as things got harder and worse and the time ticked on, that became the least of my worries.
I came to a 2m flat face drop down a huge rock in the valley with no side supports, and the sides were too thick with bushes and too steep to rejoin down. The only way was down. So I turned my body to face the wall and tried to climb down slowly. I almost made it to the bottom but I slipped and momentum made me drop, landing on my right foot and tumbling over the smooth sloping terrain. I flipped twice, hitting my head, shoulders and knees hard. I remembered how everything spun and how incapable I was of stopping it. I was scared about injuring myself hard cause I knew that would be the end of it all. But thankfully, though I was hurt and bruised with scratches and all, I could still move. My foot gave me trouble but I could still put decent weight on it and I was actually relieved. I sat down at the edge of the rocks and went through my bag. I took out the brochure from the visitor centre and tried calling their number, but there was no reception and signal. Nothing went through. That scared me so so much. It felt like I was truly alone and helpless.
But I just had to keep going, and I did. I pushed the negative thoughts aside and I shakily made down the muddy valley. After a few more drops, I saw two huge deers in front of me down the valley. Before I could think, they jumped off to the left. Despite how scared I was, they were magnificent and beautiful, I felt. I had slight relief that I wasn't truly alone and I was convinced that I could make it up the sides some time too if the deers could. There might be animal paths to help me along like they did before in the forest when I was doing research. But I was also shaky for I knew I was beyond normal human range. I was frightened and truly lost. I just had to move on. One step at a time, I told myself.
All through the way, I kept trying to convince myself that I just needed to make my way down slowly, calmly and consistently. I tried to use all my knowledge of hiking, climbing and of the forest to make my way down. But then came the ultimatum. A 4-5m caved in drop. I sat on the edge and looked over. It was impossible. If a river were to be flowing, that would have been a waterfall. I felt myself give up. Everything sunk in. I was very, very lost. The vegetation seemed to open up more here than before and it was at a lower altitude so I shakily unzipped my bag and took out the brochure and I tried to call the hotline but it couldn't dial.
I sat there for a bit and drank some water. Thoughts flooding me like waves. I recalled the time I got lost with my friend and how we made it out. I wondered if I could do it this time. I imagined myself stranded as the sun set and figuring out where to sleep for the night. I thought about how long I could last on my food and water, and wondered if anyone would alert people to rescue me. I thought about the people I loved. I thought about all the signs I got from conversations before this trip that I had never experienced on others and how foolish I was not to heed them. I regretted not doing all the things I knew I should have done, I regretted not bringing everything I thought I should bring, even if this was supposedly an easy hike. I felt so stupid and scared. I thought about how they would write articles about me and what trouble and maybe grief I would cause. I thought about this being the start of the end, how this was how my life ends despite everything that happened before. I could see it, picture it. And I had only just found a path that might lead to my dreams and that I did want to try.
Then I looked at the sky, still bright, and I tried to tell myself that I only had myself now and I had to support myself and be positive, especially because my predicament now is as best as it can get. It will only get worse but the sun is still up. And I still had hope, that I shouldn't give up. I tried to encourage myself and assure myself that things aren't too bad and that I am going to be okay.
Let's try for the sides. I looked over the valley and determined roughly where I was on the map and aimed to find my way. The valley goes on for very long and doesn't hit the road and I got scared but that left me with trying to get back on the path wherever possible. I tested the ground and tried to ignore the steep drops under me lest I missed my footing. I tested each ground before stepping and also tested branches and pulled myself up from bush to bush for security. I got stuck from time to time and felt like giving up but I crawled under bushes and kept telling myself to not rush and encourage myself that I am doing great. I pushed aside long grass, so desperate, at times falling to my knees on their cushioned blades, just hoping and begging to get closer to the route, for something or someone to show me the way: be it the mountain gods, the spirits, the animals or even by chance passers-by. I thought of the people I loved, how they might react to everything and memories with them supported me. While fighting my feelings, I tried all I could to calm myself down and be composed. I tried to take things slowly, do things less desperately to save energy, all the while pressing on.
Then I heard a helicopter. I couldn't see it for I was still by the slanted face. I tried hard to reach somewhere open. My ways were blocked and I tried and tried to find a way around and I couldn't and then I did. I did it. I saw the helicopter to my left turning at the next spur. I tried to wave and hoping someone would see me but obviously that was to no avail. The helicopter left. I felt tired and scared. But I also felt less alone. I couldn't see much around me for the vegetation so I just kept trying to reach somewhere in the general direction of the supposed path down.
And can you believe it, I did. I did it. There it was. that trodden brown parted path. I could see the plateau with the lake that formed after periods of rain. I could see the peak that I had left so, so, far away. I couldn't believe ho far down I came. But most of all I couldn't believe how I got back on track. I was blessed and loved by the mountain gods, and I was so thankful for the mountains and the animals for helping me back. I was so relieved tears were welling up in my eyes and I could feel it in my nose. I quickly dialled the person in my life and how relieved I was to see his face and hear his voice. I was so scared. I held back my tears as I gave a short recount and I was so happy to be safe and back. We talked for a bit as I hiked down and that company supported me so much. I aimed to get back before the bus reached and I did. I was so relieved.
When I saw people, I thought about how they have no idea what I went through and how happy I was to be here. I realised I probably looked hideous and so pulled my jacket over myself. I hobbled to the visitor centre's toilet and only then noticed how bruised my hand I was. The swelling on my head was huge and it scared me. The many cuts and scratches on my palms across my hands. The holes in my bag and pants. My extremely muddy clothes and bag. I realised my shoulder and knees were hurting too. I washed my hands in the sink and the pain was so bad. There were deep cuts here and there I looked frightening. I pulled my jacket on again, slowly and headed to the information desk and asked for the nearest hospital back at the station.
Afterwards, I had just enough time to buy an ice cream to calm my nerves a little (and to test if there was anything wrong with my head) before the bus came. From there, I took the bus to the station and slowly hobbled to the hospital and got myself checked. I didn't know I was hurting in so many places and I was surprised to see wounds and bruises on my knee and shoulder when the doctor and nurses asked me to roll up my shirt and pants to check. They asked more about everything and were surprised that I got back out and made it here all alone. I was being very smiley and cheerful and apologetic from the relief of it all. The ordeal really made everything else after feel so fine and normal. I apologised for making the x-ray bed brown and all the staff were so extremely nice. How thankful I was. The CT scene and x-ray came out fine. Just swelling and no broken bones. Thank god.
Even a week later, my head is still tender to the touch, my bruises are still around and still hurt, my hand is still having a hard time. But my bruises are slowly but surely getting better, my wounds and scratches are healing, save for those on my hand and shoulder. But even those are finally forming crusty yellow pus from their initial whiteness. Though the rest of the trip had its ups and downs, the hot springs and bath houses definitely made things better and helped me with my recovery.
This ordeal definitely mellowed me out quite a bit. It's only been a week, but I can feel that it changed something within me. Other than learning the vital lessons of never being too prepared for a hike, on a broader level, it might have been showing me that maybe it was not my time to leave. It was reaffirming that I truly did love the people whom I hold dear, confirming that there are things I do want to try and opening my vision to whatever was narrowed. It gave me some courage, and that I am thankful for. That is why even though this took so long to write and the relive, I wanted to write it down. So I can recall my panic, and my will. And remember this experience as a guidance and an encouragement, and tell myself it's fine to be lost, it's okay to be struggling and it will be all right in the end.
Writing this, I feel a little better about the second big event. I guess it is because it helped shifted the focus of my feelings to another incident. I don't think my calmness about the matter will stay but I hope it lasts for quite a bit. Just shows how shaken I am I guess haha.
It's about the person in my life, losing the initial spark for me. I have experienced it before and I know it is a crucial stage that determines things but nonetheless it is scary for me. Being told to be given a break for a month is harsh but I love him. It is hard to love and choose to love when you know that person might be losing love for you. It makes you wonder and wish just why can't they reciprocate. But we all handle things and feelings differently and we can only get over it and come to a conclusion by ourselves in our own time.
I know all I can do is wait and trust. But uncertainties grow, as thoughts wander to things that you have all along known and felt wasn't looking hopeful and things that don't have to be if the relationship were to draw to a close. With time it feels as if it's a silent consent that I wasn't really needed, confirming my fears. It hurts me. I really hope it isn't the case but if it does, it will be hard. I hope I can come to terms with it. But I know I don't want to.
As foolish as it sounds, please love me. Please choose to love me. I love you. I want to make it work and I finally felt so hopeful and sure, and it took me so long. I want that hope to live on and I want us to find a way. I want to be enough and I want to give because you mean so much to me. I want to be the one to love you.
Dealing with people, dealing with emotions, I wish I would never wake up. 28.3.2020
The world I see. 14.4.2020
If I had to find a word to describe me, that would be the background. 決して目立たない、 人に気づかれない、 ただただ存在しているだけに過ぎない。 27.4.2020
If you had never had to hide, you wouldn't need to shape your words in different ways so that the needless and unknowing wouldn't see. 20.6.2020
The lower I feel, the higher I tie my ponytail. 20.6.2020
Can there be pure tears in the night, untainted by shadows? 28.6.2020
I see time slip away like the falling rain. 14.7.2020
Reminder to self: Keep your dreams close your heart. It grows and burns in ways good and bad, but dreams light the flame in our hearts and puts the spark in our eyes. Always, at our core. 9.8.2020
The rain trickles down the tip of my umbrella. It falls, soaking my shirt and stinging the wound on my shoulder. 9.8.2020
I saw the signs in words and dreams, and rocks and beasts, of the calm belying the storms.
Wave after wave they hit me so, like thunderstorms on summer days.
Always strong but somewhere gentle, almost mocking but as if in console 14.8.2020
The mountains that give, the mountains that take. 14.8.2020
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It's late at night as I type this. I am surprised that I didn't log as much thoughts since. I have been feeling very good by large, but things took me by surprise again. It's March already haha. Time really flies. I guess it's good. I don't really know how I feel right now. I have been calmer and happier as of late, but sometimes I feel a little indifferent. Setting things aside, I guess it's good that I was lifted out of the ditch with help from some of the people I love. It wasn't pretty. I feel like I have dirt on my face, my clothes and my hands, even in my nails, and my hair is all messy. I can't even feel the wounds. But slowly but surely I'm cleaning the smears and wiping my tears. Thankful for the warm hugs in person and in spirit. Thankful for the small celebrations. And the happiness and relief when you are answered with an embrace.
Sometimes it seems like I used to be more fearless. But I know that's not true. I always feel more tired. But I know that is not true too. Maybe one day I will ask my future self, "Am I happy?". And I hope I can answer on behalf of all my past selves that "Yes, I am. I am confident that I am even with everything." Even if I don't, I want my future self to know, that I've been doing a good job trying hard and it's okay. That's all okay :).
If a man's year is 7 years of a dog's year,
then one day is a week for a day.
And when we are at work,
it means the dogs haven't seen us for approximately 3 days.
That is lonely aye,
no wonder they are so sad when we leave and so happy when we're back.
18.1.2020
たんと美しい世界
何も隠せない言葉
心に響いて奏でる音
必死と熱心の汗と涙
額縁を超えて描かれた感情
思いを込めた優しさ
大事にしている物事
古き縁
今を成り立つ過去
なんと美しい世界
30.1.2010
Even if yesterday seemed so bad,
it will one day pass like a lie.
30.1.2020
悲しみが
溢れている
この世界に
温もりを。
7.2.2020
When you want pain to take a shape.
23.2.2020
If pain had a sound.
If pain had a shape.
Would you stop to listen?
Would you dare look?
23.2.2020
涙の行方。
23.2.2020
You start feeling a little better each time.
Every time each setback feels easier and each recovery seems further.
1.3.2020
Stuck in time.
2.3.2020
Don't ask me where I've been.
Don't ask me what I've done.
7.3.2020
To you it has no means.
To me it holds meaning.
7.3.2020
Sometimes it's a little hard battling your own body.
It's more of a battle with your mind than anything.
You see yourself at your worst.
And you get tired of explaining.
Turn away the judging gazes.
For that little warmth within.
7.3.2020
People say things to others to remind and affirm themselves.
People do things to others because they never had them.
People act indifferent to things because they were never shown its importance.
7.3.2020
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Since the last entry, many things have changed. Things have gotten better. Though at times worse. Such is life. I am blessed, and working to be a better me. To not forget who I was, and who I am. To find strength in staying kind. To learn to find a middle ground. And to look at things from afar. To be patient, and to be adventurous. Living takes courage. Dreaming takes courage.
How long it takes to share a moment.
10.1.2019
The one who stays gets left behind.
10.1.2019
Winter summer.
10.1.2019
Over work.
10.1.2019
悪足掻き。
12.1.2019
Glazed eyes.
12.1.2019
Here, there and everywhere.
12.1.2019
Out of my mind.
16.1.2019
Easy way out.
16.1.2019
Why do my hopes and dreams always tear me apart.
16.1.2019
Paint me a future,
where my hopes win my fears.
Because I cannot picture,
myself doing the impossible.
17.1.2019
Am I not worth it?
20.1.2019
The fingerprints on my phone screen is an artwork with the face of my identity.
21.1.2019
Loved by the mountains,
watched by its keeper.
23.1.2019
意地っ張り。
25.1.2019
I was born a romantic.
25.1.2019
Mustn't forget my humblest roots.
Mustn't lose my kindest heart.
25.1.2019
That wish is too grand.
26.1.2019
I almost closed my eyes.
I wanted something to take me away.
26.1.2019
I can hear tears trickling endlessly.
28.1.2019
Songs with souls.
28.1.2019
Forgot my anguish,
forgot my drive.
29.1.2019
My madness, my greed,
my dreams and my sadness.
2.2.2019
It's nice to know you're watching me,
but beyond my reach, you holding me.
6.2.2019
The happiness you give is like milk on coffee,
skimming the surface of the sadness you leave.
6.2.2019
Through thick and thing,
bittersweet.
7.2.2019
The weight of the wait.
27.2.2019
Humble beginning and strong hearts.
28.2.2019
I don't have to chase.
15.4.2019
It's been awhile, hasn't it?
8.5.2019
Let's talk.
9.5.2019
Reflection on the water,
as you stare at my now.
If only dropped a petal,
to expose the thin foul.
23.5.2019
Today I felt like I was leaving this world.
4.6.2019
Hidden people.
7.6.2019
I always fall a little short and I can't bear to look for long.
1.7.2019
You don't have to listen,
you don't have to agree.
No room for reason,
we were born to be free.
1.7.2019
To the ones who will never know,
how much we all give even as we cover our ears.
4.7.2019
Have you ever found what you let has never moved?
4.7.2019
There are good days.
There are bad days.
There are days I want to dance and twirl.
There are days I can't forgive.
There are days I continue to pour everything even as tears slip through as I spin and fall.
There are days my heart leap and trot.
There are days my body fail.
There are days my mind start afresh even as feelings continue to cloud my soul.
12.7.2019
最初只要有人爱就别无所求，
但不知从何时开始变得复杂。
13.7.2019
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I just wanted to say that sometimes, before you get a diagnosis, whatever it is, be it something rare or common, when the signs and symptoms are vague, general and/or difficult to catch and you look like a young healthy person, you inevitable get off the conventional radar. And when things come out negative, more often than not, you get brushed off or swept under the rug into the 'general group' for all the symptoms you have had, being given symptomatic treatment that doesn't seem to solve things completely and you live your life in a sort of limbo because there is no answer.
Then you start doubting yourself, "Am I crazy?" "Am I imagining things?" "Is it all in my head?" "Am I making a big deal out of nothing?" "But how can this be nothing?", and it is so unhealthy. It tormented me for the longest time. It took me years to get to where I am, even for a condition so common. It is unreasonable to blame any doctors (and I don't) because they were just working with whatever information they had and I was bad at communicating my health and worse at bringing myself to the doctor's, but I thank the incidental breakthroughs and hope that the meds now will really work for me and help me feel normal again. The blood tests are still not shifting for the better but it takes time and my dose is low, so fingers crossed. I don't want/need anymore surprises, now that I'm so close to commencing my studies. I just can't imagine what it's like if it were someone else with a rare medical condition having to go through all that, and worse. It is just unimaginable.
4.7.2022
Can't remember exactly when I decided I wanted to become a vet, maybe about 8 or 0, but I know that by 10 I was seriously working hard towards a dream I knew was nearly impossible for me to fulfil. And I can't believe I kept at it for so long. There is a fine line between being determined and being obsessed and I always questioned myself if I were the latter, beating myself up for fear that I was being irrational. It almost felt as if whether I managed to do the degree eventually at some point in my life or not would determine whether I was a tenacious person or just a mad woman. It was at times unbearable.
I am truly glad and relieved that I didn't have to live with that question all my life, and I was blessed with the love, opportunity and support to pursue what I have always wanted to pursue. It comes at a cost and it is by no means easy, but I am finally on a path to find the answers, moving on and overcoming that deep wedge in my life.
It wasn't easy holding on to dreams like these in a very practical world. It oftentimes chewed my up inside. We have to be pragmatic and I was so, as much as I was a romantic. I always planned my path so that each step built on it as best possible, so that I had what I needed and could go back to veterinary medicine if I ever had the chance. But in those times where veterinary medicine were never an option for me, I also had to develop myself, find alternative paths, and explore the parts of me that may be viable as well. It gets tiring, thinking of all the different paths, and sometimes spending energy on something that is always out of reach from you and holding on to it can cause so much pain. It was a constant reminder of what you could not have, and you begin to question yourself, "Is it really worth it?" "It's most probably not gonna work out anyway." And all this time it has brought you nothing but disappointment.
I grew tired of always restraining myself when it came to finances. I never indulged much because I always felt that if I had the money to indulge, I'd rather save that for vet school. And a point in time comes where you wonder who and what are you really saving for. And the same was true for being pragmatic about my dreams and career choices. There comes a point where you wonder just how important is exploring what keeps your soul burning the brightest in relation to sustaining yourself reliably in this world?
But I guess I am truly blessed to be able to say that after being in that tight, dark and stressful space for so long, I have managed to crawl out of it. And that for me, when I pursued the things that were important to me in my life, things somehow fell into place and aligned with time, even if they didn't seem so before, and I am finally where I am now. I am sure that the young me would be so ecstatic and proud. If anything, I am happy and proud of myself.
I am truly blessed to be in the position I am in now. I know that it is partly because of my own efforts but it is also largely because of the love, opportunity and support that has been given to me. There are probably so many people in the world who are just as deserving, if not more deserving, but are not as fortunate as I am to be doing what I am doing now. And I know how it feels like to be on the other side of the road. So I really want to cherish everything, the good and also, if not especially, the bad, because it is so precious and such a blessing for me to be here doing what I have always wanted to do.
Even as things get rough and tough, I hope that I can keep reminding myself that, reminding myself of how far I have come, and what truly matters, and to keep on smiling with my head held high because it's okay. Everything will be okay ♡.
23.9.2022
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Like the ebb and flow of the tides, what I really want is to be held tightly by the waves that I have pushed away from the pain that my immeasurable love has costed me. As I stand by the sea with the sand draining through my feet, I wish for a place to pour my soul deep, for the sorrows of my heart from doing what's right engulfs me, even as I do not regret anything.
"It takes time to make good stuff." - Suo Noodle Maker
This world is too fast for me 19.11.2022
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It has been a while, hasn't it. There were times when things were really hard and others when it was better. I remember feeling suffocated at home and for being back in this society, choking on the lack of personal space and prevailing expectations and norms. I remember that episode of late night panic attack after my work trial as a veterinary nurse. It shook my very being and the doubt and fear peaked like never before in that aspect of my core. I also remember the time of my rejection, which I did not ask for, and feelings of abandonment that cut through my wounds, giving forth to a bout of bleeding once more. I did not know it possible for tears to fall so hard, for so long, while running, as if each time were worse than before. I recall my struggles and depressive feelings while challenging myself to learn to drive, and though I haven't driven since I passed (and a manual license at that!), I am proud of myself despite it all. There was also one very recent day where I had an absolutely bad day at work and I broke down exhausted by the poolside, with reproach and doubt. Not to mention the many nights surrounded in my thoughts, unable to escape, and others where I awaken in distraught and physical pain. And these, only to name a few.
But thankfully, all of them passed. And how grateful I am for that. All that kept me together and tided my through while I was hanging by the thread all this while, be it something I sought or something that sought me, I am eternally thankful for. People and words that kept me sane, thoughts and memories that held my hand, and little things and moments that freed my grasp. The waves of time slowly but surely healed me, with every push and every pull, as I rocked quietly on the shore. I remembered how it was like to marvel at the shining dust caught in the morning sun. I remembered the sound of my own voice and the way the world sang. I remembered to breathe and wait until my mind and body caught up with my heart and let the feelings spill forth. I remembered how the pain when expressed alone can be tolerable. For I was slowly getting better. I do not know when there might be a dip again, and I do no wish to diminish it by mentioning it now, but I thought that I should document the better times as well, so that I may know that I can stand strong and sure one day even while shaking inside or out, and that it did not seem to far to reach. I hope that the person I am tomorrow will carry the pain of the past and give myself a hug. For we have come so far and have so much more to accomplish, and I can see it today, for a long, long way.
Why is it that when I'm home, I feel incapable? 13.2.2021
Chasing your dream takes hard work and tenacity; believing in yourself, fighting the comfort of certainty and surrounding disapproval and doubt; and keeping your support close to you. 19.4.2021
Maybe I've been amongst the lions for too long that I have cheated myself into thinking I was one too, when all along I was just a kitten. 2.6.2021
Back to being alone and bearing things alone. Feels like a part of me died or closed up again, regressing to how I was before in order to survive the pain and society. But this strength also feels like a facade. 22.6.2021
Giving up all that I've known and questioning all that I am. 28.6.2021
Looking back at how I was is painful. When did all the dark blow out the light? 28.6.2021
Some days were so hard that I didn't give a dam about wearing the raincoat and showed up to work drenched from top to toe from cycling in the rain. But even then, deep down I still loved being where I was. I loved the job, the people, and the environment. I was lucky to be surrounded by lovely people, in a lovely environment when I was going through these tough times. I'm glad I'm (maybe only) remembering all the good parts, because it fills me with happiness, support and love. I sacrificed a lot, but I like looking back on everything fondly. 18.7.2021
Someone to walk the journey with. 10.8.2021
And sleep in the stars above all that was, and find peace in your heart that the present can't hold. 23.8.2021
And soon the time will come when the time we've spent apart is longer than we were together. 5.10.2021
キラキラ光る星のせいか、 遥か遠くの貴方を思い出す。 彼方の大雪は私の心まで、 覆ってくれないかな。 6.1.2022
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I just want to sit down and stare into space. 14.8.2020
It doesn't matter how much you love them if they don't love you back so. 22.8.2020
誰かの歩幅に合わせるのはもう嫌なんだ。 30.8.2020
I could give you the ocean, but what can I do if all you want is the sky. 30.8.2020
Maybe I should say goodbye. 31.8.2020
I'm exhausted. 3.9.2020
I want to go home where there is no hurt. 5.9.2020
Sometimes we just want someone to show us that we are wrong, that we were right. 5.9.2020
Scars don't hurt, memories do. 7.9.2020
I'm too scared to run the old path where memories are too thick. 14.9.2020
No regrets giving when I can still give. 22.9.2020
I miss you so hard tonight, my tears are so warm on my cheeks. 4.11.2020
I'm sad and scared you'd get used to not having me around. And you'd be okay with not having me around. 9.11.2020
Have you ever had reality, bad thoughts and bad feelings hit you like a blast? And you wished for a time when it was all just sadness. 25.11.2020
叫ぶこともできず、 ただただ、頭が痛い。 25.11.2020
It hurts to see myself smile so bright before. How did I ever do that? 27.11.2020
Someone to stop and smell the flowers with me. 26.12.2020
Soft evening light. 29.12.2020
How do you make someone who matter so much to you matter less? 6.1.2021
The path I'll miss. Day or night. Rain or shine. Happy or sad. Full of surprises. Ever so free. Ever so beautiful. Always my home. 15.1.2021
The greatest grief gives you great power. 27.1.2021
Even now, I can picture myself huffing white puffs of breath as I ran in the night. Following the river and guided by the moon, the stars and the lights, I feared not the dark. I can feel the tightness in my chest, the weariness in my legs, the blood using through my head, the cold air in my breath and the wind on my skin. I can see it, all so clearly. 29.1.2021
I miss coming home to a DVD that my mom bought, and everyone sitting round the TV with the air conditioning turned on. 31.1.2021
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Before I decided to write this, a rather big event occured. Hence the post. But before writing this, another rather big event occured and now I have two things to write about. How painful it is to see your feelings sway and run awry with just a simple event or act when in actual fact nothing apparent is supposed to have changed. I saw a quote posted by my childhood best friend whom I still hold dear, and how apt that is indeed.
"It is both a blessing And a curse To feel everything So very deeply."
d.j
I've always loved sunsets, and I still do. They are beautiful, somewhat melancholic, in the good way. Their colours and silence speaks so loudly to my heart, it overwhelms and embraces me like nothing else. But recently, I've come to find sunsets to be tinged with a little too much sadness. Of course, that is but my perception, but things somehow shifted my feelings. I've always thought the sunrise to be pretty nice but it never instilled the hope and energy that others raved about. But recently, it does feel like the sunrise brings with it an acknowledgement of life, and with that permission to be and hope.
This probably happened because of the first big event that happened to me. I went hiking and got lost on the way down. It was a loop course, hence it wasn't the same path back. I followed the wrong path thinking it was right, and despite having doubts and trekking back twice, I still went ahead. To be fair, it was not without good reason that I kept going along, though I do admit that I was inexperienced in that I didn't expect the route to be so overgrown with long grass and thick brambly bushes that made distinguishing the right path from the wrong so difficult. But by the time I realised, there was no going back.
As foolish as it was, and as much as I hate to admit it, I made the wrong decision. As things slowly dawned on me, I knew I was on the wrong path. The valley got steeper and steeper, and there were no footprints on wet mud. I struggled more and more. As I went down the valley, my legs shook. Not only from my bad knees but also from how scared I was. I was scared and frightened, and I knew it so well but I didn't want it to get the best of me and freak out so I just kept trying to keep calm. I did my best to breathe and pressed on. I thought about how I had to find my way back and make it in time for the bus. But as things got harder and worse and the time ticked on, that became the least of my worries.
I came to a 2m flat face drop down a huge rock in the valley with no side supports, and the sides were too thick with bushes and too steep to rejoin down. The only way was down. So I turned my body to face the wall and tried to climb down slowly. I almost made it to the bottom but I slipped and momentum made me drop, landing on my right foot and tumbling over the smooth sloping terrain. I flipped twice, hitting my head, shoulders and knees hard. I remembered how everything spun and how incapable I was of stopping it. I was scared about injuring myself hard cause I knew that would be the end of it all. But thankfully, though I was hurt and bruised with scratches and all, I could still move. My foot gave me trouble but I could still put decent weight on it and I was actually relieved. I sat down at the edge of the rocks and went through my bag. I took out the brochure from the visitor centre and tried calling their number, but there was no reception and signal. Nothing went through. That scared me so so much. It felt like I was truly alone and helpless.
But I just had to keep going, and I did. I pushed the negative thoughts aside and I shakily made down the muddy valley. After a few more drops, I saw two huge deers in front of me down the valley. Before I could think, they jumped off to the left. Despite how scared I was, they were magnificent and beautiful, I felt. I had slight relief that I wasn't truly alone and I was convinced that I could make it up the sides some time too if the deers could. There might be animal paths to help me along like they did before in the forest when I was doing research. But I was also shaky for I knew I was beyond normal human range. I was frightened and truly lost. I just had to move on. One step at a time, I told myself.
All through the way, I kept trying to convince myself that I just needed to make my way down slowly, calmly and consistently. I tried to use all my knowledge of hiking, climbing and of the forest to make my way down. But then came the ultimatum. A 4-5m caved in drop. I sat on the edge and looked over. It was impossible. If a river were to be flowing, that would have been a waterfall. I felt myself give up. Everything sunk in. I was very, very lost. The vegetation seemed to open up more here than before and it was at a lower altitude so I shakily unzipped my bag and took out the brochure and I tried to call the hotline but it couldn't dial.
I sat there for a bit and drank some water. Thoughts flooding me like waves. I recalled the time I got lost with my friend and how we made it out. I wondered if I could do it this time. I imagined myself stranded as the sun set and figuring out where to sleep for the night. I thought about how long I could last on my food and water, and wondered if anyone would alert people to rescue me. I thought about the people I loved. I thought about all the signs I got from conversations before this trip that I had never experienced on others and how foolish I was not to heed them. I regretted not doing all the things I knew I should have done, I regretted not bringing everything I thought I should bring, even if this was supposedly an easy hike. I felt so stupid and scared. I thought about how they would write articles about me and what trouble and maybe grief I would cause. I thought about this being the start of the end, how this was how my life ends despite everything that happened before. I could see it, picture it. And I had only just found a path that might lead to my dreams and that I did want to try.
Then I looked at the sky, still bright, and I tried to tell myself that I only had myself now and I had to support myself and be positive, especially because my predicament now is as best as it can get. It will only get worse but the sun is still up. And I still had hope, that I shouldn't give up. I tried to encourage myself and assure myself that things aren't too bad and that I am going to be okay.
Let's try for the sides. I looked over the valley and determined roughly where I was on the map and aimed to find my way. The valley goes on for very long and doesn't hit the road and I got scared but that left me with trying to get back on the path wherever possible. I tested the ground and tried to ignore the steep drops under me lest I missed my footing. I tested each ground before stepping and also tested branches and pulled myself up from bush to bush for security. I got stuck from time to time and felt like giving up but I crawled under bushes and kept telling myself to not rush and encourage myself that I am doing great. I pushed aside long grass, so desperate, at times falling to my knees on their cushioned blades, just hoping and begging to get closer to the route, for something or someone to show me the way: be it the mountain gods, the spirits, the animals or even by chance passers-by. I thought of the people I loved, how they might react to everything and memories with them supported me. While fighting my feelings, I tried all I could to calm myself down and be composed. I tried to take things slowly, do things less desperately to save energy, all the while pressing on.
Then I heard a helicopter. I couldn't see it for I was still by the slanted face. I tried hard to reach somewhere open. My ways were blocked and I tried and tried to find a way around and I couldn't and then I did. I did it. I saw the helicopter to my left turning at the next spur. I tried to wave and hoping someone would see me but obviously that was to no avail. The helicopter left. I felt tired and scared. But I also felt less alone. I couldn't see much around me for the vegetation so I just kept trying to reach somewhere in the general direction of the supposed path down.
And can you believe it, I did. I did it. There it was. that trodden brown parted path. I could see the plateau with the lake that formed after periods of rain. I could see the peak that I had left so, so, far away. I couldn't believe ho far down I came. But most of all I couldn't believe how I got back on track. I was blessed and loved by the mountain gods, and I was so thankful for the mountains and the animals for helping me back. I was so relieved tears were welling up in my eyes and I could feel it in my nose. I quickly dialled the person in my life and how relieved I was to see his face and hear his voice. I was so scared. I held back my tears as I gave a short recount and I was so happy to be safe and back. We talked for a bit as I hiked down and that company supported me so much. I aimed to get back before the bus reached and I did. I was so relieved.
When I saw people, I thought about how they have no idea what I went through and how happy I was to be here. I realised I probably looked hideous and so pulled my jacket over myself. I hobbled to the visitor centre's toilet and only then noticed how bruised my hand I was. The swelling on my head was huge and it scared me. The many cuts and scratches on my palms across my hands. The holes in my bag and pants. My extremely muddy clothes and bag. I realised my shoulder and knees were hurting too. I washed my hands in the sink and the pain was so bad. There were deep cuts here and there I looked frightening. I pulled my jacket on again, slowly and headed to the information desk and asked for the nearest hospital back at the station.
Afterwards, I had just enough time to buy an ice cream to calm my nerves a little (and to test if there was anything wrong with my head) before the bus came. From there, I took the bus to the station and slowly hobbled to the hospital and got myself checked. I didn't know I was hurting in so many places and I was surprised to see wounds and bruises on my knee and shoulder when the doctor and nurses asked me to roll up my shirt and pants to check. They asked more about everything and were surprised that I got back out and made it here all alone. I was being very smiley and cheerful and apologetic from the relief of it all. The ordeal really made everything else after feel so fine and normal. I apologised for making the x-ray bed brown and all the staff were so extremely nice. How thankful I was. The CT scene and x-ray came out fine. Just swelling and no broken bones. Thank god.
Even a week later, my head is still tender to the touch, my bruises are still around and still hurt, my hand is still having a hard time. But my bruises are slowly but surely getting better, my wounds and scratches are healing, save for those on my hand and shoulder. But even those are finally forming crusty yellow pus from their initial whiteness. Though the rest of the trip had its ups and downs, the hot springs and bath houses definitely made things better and helped me with my recovery.
This ordeal definitely mellowed me out quite a bit. It's only been a week, but I can feel that it changed something within me. Other than learning the vital lessons of never being too prepared for a hike, on a broader level, it might have been showing me that maybe it was not my time to leave. It was reaffirming that I truly did love the people whom I hold dear, confirming that there are things I do want to try and opening my vision to whatever was narrowed. It gave me some courage, and that I am thankful for. That is why even though this took so long to write and the relive, I wanted to write it down. So I can recall my panic, and my will. And remember this experience as a guidance and an encouragement, and tell myself it's fine to be lost, it's okay to be struggling and it will be all right in the end.
Writing this, I feel a little better about the second big event. I guess it is because it helped shifted the focus of my feelings to another incident. I don't think my calmness about the matter will stay but I hope it lasts for quite a bit. Just shows how shaken I am I guess haha.
It's about the person in my life, losing the initial spark for me. I have experienced it before and I know it is a crucial stage that determines things but nonetheless it is scary for me. Being told to be given a break for a month is harsh but I love him. It is hard to love and choose to love when you know that person might be losing love for you. It makes you wonder and wish just why can't they reciprocate. But we all handle things and feelings differently and we can only get over it and come to a conclusion by ourselves in our own time.
I know all I can do is wait and trust. But uncertainties grow, as thoughts wander to things that you have all along known and felt wasn't looking hopeful and things that don't have to be if the relationship were to draw to a close. With time it feels as if it's a silent consent that I wasn't really needed, confirming my fears. It hurts me. I really hope it isn't the case but if it does, it will be hard. I hope I can come to terms with it. But I know I don't want to.
As foolish as it sounds, please love me. Please choose to love me. I love you. I want to make it work and I finally felt so hopeful and sure, and it took me so long. I want that hope to live on and I want us to find a way. I want to be enough and I want to give because you mean so much to me. I want to be the one to love you.
Dealing with people, dealing with emotions, I wish I would never wake up. 28.3.2020
The world I see. 14.4.2020
If I had to find a word to describe me, that would be the background. 決して目立たない、 人に気づかれない、 ただただ存在しているだけに過ぎない。 27.4.2020
If you had never had to hide, you wouldn't need to shape your words in different ways so that the needless and unknowing wouldn't see. 20.6.2020
The lower I feel, the higher I tie my ponytail. 20.6.2020
Can there be pure tears in the night, untainted by shadows? 28.6.2020
I see time slip away like the falling rain. 14.7.2020
Reminder to self: Keep your dreams close your heart. It grows and burns in ways good and bad, but dreams light the flame in our hearts and puts the spark in our eyes. Always, at our core. 9.8.2020
The rain trickles down the tip of my umbrella. It falls, soaking my shirt and stinging the wound on my shoulder. 9.8.2020
I saw the signs in words and dreams, and rocks and beasts, of the calm belying the storms.
Wave after wave they hit me so, like thunderstorms on summer days.
Always strong but somewhere gentle, almost mocking but as if in console 14.8.2020
The mountains that give, the mountains that take. 14.8.2020
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It's late at night as I type this. I am surprised that I didn't log as much thoughts since. I have been feeling very good by large, but things took me by surprise again. It's March already haha. Time really flies. I guess it's good. I don't really know how I feel right now. I have been calmer and happier as of late, but sometimes I feel a little indifferent. Setting things aside, I guess it's good that I was lifted out of the ditch with help from some of the people I love. It wasn't pretty. I feel like I have dirt on my face, my clothes and my hands, even in my nails, and my hair is all messy. I can't even feel the wounds. But slowly but surely I'm cleaning the smears and wiping my tears. Thankful for the warm hugs in person and in spirit. Thankful for the small celebrations. And the happiness and relief when you are answered with an embrace.
Sometimes it seems like I used to be more fearless. But I know that's not true. I always feel more tired. But I know that is not true too. Maybe one day I will ask my future self, "Am I happy?". And I hope I can answer on behalf of all my past selves that "Yes, I am. I am confident that I am even with everything." Even if I don't, I want my future self to know, that I've been doing a good job trying hard and it's okay. That's all okay :).
If a man's year is 7 years of a dog's year,
then one day is a week for a day.
And when we are at work,
it means the dogs haven't seen us for approximately 3 days.
That is lonely aye,
no wonder they are so sad when we leave and so happy when we're back.
18.1.2020
たんと美しい世界
何も隠せない言葉
心に響いて奏でる音
必死と熱心の汗と涙
額縁を超えて描かれた感情
思いを込めた優しさ
大事にしている物事
古き縁
今を成り立つ過去
なんと美しい世界
30.1.2010
Even if yesterday seemed so bad,
it will one day pass like a lie.
30.1.2020
悲しみが
溢れている
この世界に
温もりを。
7.2.2020
When you want pain to take a shape.
23.2.2020
If pain had a sound.
If pain had a shape.
Would you stop to listen?
Would you dare look?
23.2.2020
涙の行方。
23.2.2020
You start feeling a little better each time.
Every time each setback feels easier and each recovery seems further.
1.3.2020
Stuck in time.
2.3.2020
Don't ask me where I've been.
Don't ask me what I've done.
7.3.2020
To you it has no means.
To me it holds meaning.
7.3.2020
Sometimes it's a little hard battling your own body.
It's more of a battle with your mind than anything.
You see yourself at your worst.
And you get tired of explaining.
Turn away the judging gazes.
For that little warmth within.
7.3.2020
People say things to others to remind and affirm themselves.
People do things to others because they never had them.
People act indifferent to things because they were never shown its importance.
7.3.2020
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Since the last entry, many things have changed. Things have gotten better. Though at times worse. Such is life. I am blessed, and working to be a better me. To not forget who I was, and who I am. To find strength in staying kind. To learn to find a middle ground. And to look at things from afar. To be patient, and to be adventurous. Living takes courage. Dreaming takes courage.
How long it takes to share a moment.
10.1.2019
The one who stays gets left behind.
10.1.2019
Winter summer.
10.1.2019
Over work.
10.1.2019
悪足掻き。
12.1.2019
Glazed eyes.
12.1.2019
Here, there and everywhere.
12.1.2019
Out of my mind.
16.1.2019
Easy way out.
16.1.2019
Why do my hopes and dreams always tear me apart.
16.1.2019
Paint me a future,
where my hopes win my fears.
Because I cannot picture,
myself doing the impossible.
17.1.2019
Am I not worth it?
20.1.2019
The fingerprints on my phone screen is an artwork with the face of my identity.
21.1.2019
Loved by the mountains,
watched by its keeper.
23.1.2019
意地っ張り。
25.1.2019
I was born a romantic.
25.1.2019
Mustn't forget my humblest roots.
Mustn't lose my kindest heart.
25.1.2019
That wish is too grand.
26.1.2019
I almost closed my eyes.
I wanted something to take me away.
26.1.2019
I can hear tears trickling endlessly.
28.1.2019
Songs with souls.
28.1.2019
Forgot my anguish,
forgot my drive.
29.1.2019
My madness, my greed,
my dreams and my sadness.
2.2.2019
It's nice to know you're watching me,
but beyond my reach, you holding me.
6.2.2019
The happiness you give is like milk on coffee,
skimming the surface of the sadness you leave.
6.2.2019
Through thick and thing,
bittersweet.
7.2.2019
The weight of the wait.
27.2.2019
Humble beginning and strong hearts.
28.2.2019
I don't have to chase.
15.4.2019
It's been awhile, hasn't it?
8.5.2019
Let's talk.
9.5.2019
Reflection on the water,
as you stare at my now.
If only dropped a petal,
to expose the thin foul.
23.5.2019
Today I felt like I was leaving this world.
4.6.2019
Hidden people.
7.6.2019
I always fall a little short and I can't bear to look for long.
1.7.2019
You don't have to listen,
you don't have to agree.
No room for reason,
we were born to be free.
1.7.2019
To the ones who will never know,
how much we all give even as we cover our ears.
4.7.2019
Have you ever found what you let has never moved?
4.7.2019
There are good days.
There are bad days.
There are days I want to dance and twirl.
There are days I can't forgive.
There are days I continue to pour everything even as tears slip through as I spin and fall.
There are days my heart leap and trot.
There are days my body fail.
There are days my mind start afresh even as feelings continue to cloud my soul.
12.7.2019
最初只要有人爱就别无所求，
但不知从何时开始变得复杂。
13.7.2019
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Kai Yin
23 December 1995
"Live each day with a smile."
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Being blessed is a wonderful gift. Giving others that blessing is so much better.
Being the blessing is the toughest yet the best.
Loves, me
Songs:
Air Supply - Without You
Celine Dion - My Heart Will Go On
Chicago - Hard To Say I'm Sorry
Collin Raye - Love, Me
Diana Ross - If We Hold On Together
Five For Fighting - Superman
Hugh Grant and Haley Bennett - Way Back Into Love
Michael Learns to Rock - That's Why You Go Away
Richard Marx - Right Here Waiting for You
Sarah Mclachlan - When She Loved Me
Seal - Kiss From A Rose
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Kai Yin.
Twenty Seven.
Capricorn.
Free thinker.
Dreamer.
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Hello, I'm a dreamer who loves to laze around and think about almost anything - on Earth and away from Earth. She enters a little land of her own when in deep thoughts and sleep. Always hoping that the world would be filled with smiles and laughters each and everyday. The natural wonders and life on Earth are the roots of her soul. And her deep love for music is undying. "Let each day be a happy day."
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Browser: Mozilla Firefox
Screen resolution: 1280 x 800 pixels
Pictures mostly from: Pixdaus Wallhaven
Playlist: Mixpod
Re-established since: 02 August 2009
Host: Blogger
Layout: Indie Devotee
Done by: Victoria
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On the other side of the road.
