i felt he was doing it. but i gradually realised.. i was telling myself.. "let it be.." no more asking.. no more anything..

i think the female's 6th sense is too accurate to be true. it just wasnt me not to ask and probe.. but yah, i did just tt..

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the weekends were bz with work, chalet, work, work, work and more work. hectic and so demoralising to be back at office consecutively for so many days tt i decided, i needed a break. im due for half day off today. gonna mit up with jia for kopi and movies and behave like im a student on holiday for ONCE. i realised i never really did enjoy my holidays from SIM. after i finished my last paper in june, i got ready for my china trip and started work almost immediately after i returned to singapore till now. i got 1 week's break b4 sch starts.. i'd better take ample time to rest.. recover and replenish all i can.. for anor year of battle.

was at the musical fountain last sat before going down to jennifer's chalet. long long time since i last went there tho. it brought back fond memories as a child, wea there were zoos, bird parks, the long forgotten haw par villa, big splash etc. as we grow up, obviously the places we go change, tots change, every other thing changes. hopefully for the good. up till now, i still think family upbringing is very important for the foundation of the kid. if u ask y.. when i was with caron at yishun mrt on sat.. we overheard 2 kids.. the most say.. 7 years old? they were playing some games.. and suddenly.. in the midst of my conversation with caron..

kid: "f*** u lah!"

me: *gasp*
caron: *turns to me* i feel like telling the kid off.

mind you.. the parents were within a 5cm diameter.. and they did NOTHING. but wait! tt was not the end.. they decided they wanted to stop at JE too.. so when the train approached the station.. they ran to the door.. stuck their face up the door.. and when the door took a moment to open.. one of them went..

kid: "quick open lah, CH** BY*!"

*FAINTS*

what in the blue hell is wrong with this kids? and the parents? no discipline? i wondered what kind of languages they use at home behind close doors.

then there was this mother at northpoint. her kid was holding on to a take away ice-cream from macdonalds. while walking, the boy accidentelly fell and the ice cream flew like 3 steps away. if you were the kid's mum or dad, what would u have done?

A) check out ur kid
B) check our ur ice cream
C) scream "KANINA" and whack the kid's head for tripping and dropping the ice-cream

okie.. the mother belonged to cat C. i think even if you decide that u belonged to cat. B, i would forgive u too.

*shakes head* poor kid grows up in an unhealthy environment, full of vulgarities and beatings uncalled for. im not saying that kids shouldnt be subjected to the carrot and stick method, but there should be enuf space for the kids to fully understand things by themselves. sometimes, its either they listen to ur advice.. or they learn things the hard way. my mom has been v v strict me with since young, and i might wanna thank her for that, coz without her.. i'll prolly be some ah lian on the streets. coz im one child who decides that i wanna learn things the hard way, u dunno how painful it is.. until u are introduced to pain.

another room of thoughts: do singaporeans get married when they think its time to.. or do they abide by what the society tells them, that getting married in ur early 20s is like a big no no. *ponders*

time to get back to work.

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after struggling for the week, its finally friday. nothing for me to rejoice about, since im returning for work tmr as well as on sunday. many friends ask y i wanna go ahead to work on the weekends even when im not paid 1.5 .. ah ya.. just wanna finish my work la.. tho im like so demoralised every morning as the first thought tt comes to my mind is to do what ive been doing for the past 1 mth. didnt learn much, if anything, the only thing ive learnt is endurance.

realised the significance of a well-deserved rest, i decided i shouldnt be surfing net, watching TV or sms-whoring yesterday, so i turned in at 2330hrs. exceptionally early for me if you know me.. but woke up this morning feeling refreshed. good. =)

im getting sick of my blog design. wanna try doing something new tonite.. *ponders* after several blog layouts and designs.. still haven found one i realli like.. lets see what i can do tonite..

past few days and weekends have been sweet. i like things the way they are. better.. and healthier for us. 18 days.

gonna resume work. hafta work till 8 tonite..

laters.

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if i should collapse now.. i'll collapse and die of exhaustion. luckily i took leave yesterday.. if not i would have successfully worked 10 days in a row and my boss wans me to return this weekends. this is insane. being responsible bout my job is different from being exploited to do wat 25 ppl is suppose to be doing. i promised to come back last weekends coz he said the deadline was on the next day.. so i tot i duna leave my job undone.. i came back.. onli to know on sunday whilst in office that.. the deadline has been extended.. to this monday.. and therefore im required to return.

its not my obligation.. i just duna be some super KL kid.. and say i duna come back.. then leave him to DIE. which i seriously think he'll.. if me and my colleague decide that tmr shall be our last day.

im not even paid 1.5 on weekends. sigh.. my mind feels like i have been studying continuously for past 1 week. non stop. im zombified. tired. period.

over and out.

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huh.. u dunno whats a fark buddy? a fark buddy is someone whom is quite close to u.. as a matter of fact, get close to because of sex.. and have no strings attached. and just have sex because he or she is a great fark! and everytime u guys meet.. its just for S-E-X! so there.. now u ppl can give me ur stands

to felicia: there r many things happening la.. and its not easy to give a life summary.. sometimes i write v upsetting things here.. and sometimes i think other things are not worth penning down into the memory lane.. so ya.. dun worrie.. overall im still going on strong.. what doesnt kill me makes me stronger.. =) as for u.. i suppose u more or less have adapted to life in aussie.. sorrie jie hasnt been ard for u when u needed anyone to speak to.. sigh.. hope to see u soon.. the next time u come back k..

i just got home after meeting yong at hougang macs. the usual plc we mit up half yearly. im glad we kept up our friendship till this stage.. despite our relationship as a couple failing 9 years ago. i read in a magazine somewea this month talking bout how insane it was for a couple to break up and remain as friends.

i beg to differ. very lazy to explain la.. im still friends w majority of my exs, tho some choose to shun away from me. as usual.. all this v individual one la.. it takes 2 hands to clap.

anyway, i promised yong to write bout us.. everything i can remember.. it didnt last for very long.. first r/ship.. first love.. but was enuf to imprint alot of memories for me at least... so its going to be a relatively long entry here.. and if u know its going to bore u.. u can stop reading from here onwards. heh

it happened in the first few mths of sch la.. when i first started out studying in yuying sec.. i happened to bump into my bro's friend.. named P who incidently is also the one who intro-ed me to alwin now... *ponders* newae.. i caught sight of this guy who is the head prefect of the sch.. didnt know much bout him.. but tot he looked quite decent. at the tender age of 13, u dun quite know what is love.. u just know u have butterflies in ur stomach when u catch sight of him and u stammer when u speak. P introduced me to him during recess. heh.

i began to have the urge to call him. everyday after sch.. i pretended to b uber hardworking.. took my maths text book (the super thick blue one if u remember.. heh) and chose the most difficult questions (often those with double stars..mua ha ha).. rehearsed wat i wanna say and how i wanna start asking.. then dial the number.. *laughs* comical la.. to think of it.. i think i called him almost like 4 times a day! he must be thinking wat a hardworking gal i am! -grin-

gradually, we ended up chatting on the phone more often than we actually solve math problems.. tho everytime he gave me the solution i wasnt listening.. *oppx* it went on for quite some time.. and when there was this rumour bout him and his gal in his class tt made me quite upset tt time.. hmm.. forgot her name tho.. dun think yong remembers too!! =P

NPCC camp.. he was my senior.. i think he held my hand for the first time when he was helping me cross some obstacles.. i think i should give thanks to him also.. coz because of him.. my attendance for npcc when i was in sec 1 was 100%. hahaha!

continued all the way till after his Os.. on the night of march 26th 1997, he called.. i remembered it was pitch dark at my dining area.. using the fax machine as the phone coz i was hiding away from my parents in case they catch me toking on the phone.

"wanna be my gf?"

i think it was the first time in life anybody could have ever experienced bliss... so we got together.. and the first time i got angry with him was 2 days later on my bday! wa ha ha! he promised to come at 115 to give me my bday pressie but he was late! and my mum was already in sch to pick me up.. so didnt get to mit him.. *bah*

our first outing was movies at hougang plaza. yes! there WAS a cinema at hougang plaza last time.. still remembered we watched it with xian and zhongyi ( then a new couple also..) he was wearing this white and blue jersey i alwix see him in.. and he just finished football so he smelt of perspiration. *laughs* but i still lay on his shoulders for the first time at the cinema. the movie was secondary. haha!

(this is the part i was v surprised he still remembered!!) then the next time we met up was when he was at the park opp sch with some friends.. so after i finish sch i walked over to mit him up..it began to rain.. so from the stone bench at the playground.. we shifted into the stone benches under the block..
chatted for a while.. and he was asking me for my chinese name.. i wrote it out for him.. then i put my head on the table.. pretending to slp.. purposely put my hand out somemore.. haha.. so furnie lo..

he shook my hand with 2 fingers at first.. asking me to wake up.. after 2 tries.. he just left his hand on top of mine and held on to it..

as far as my memory can go.. these are by far the onli 2 outings we had.. yong! got anymore? -laughs- tell me ur part of the memories ley! hehe..

lets just not go into y we break up.. i know.. he knows.. tts more than enuf. it was an amiable one.. prolly tt explains y we remain close friends to date. oh oh! i still remember i bought a similar keychain for us when i went for a sch trip to JB.. this blue and red one with the word LOVE on it.. haha! realli damn furnie thinking of it now..

tts bout tt.. -smiles-

updating on the rest of the stuffs.. its been a tiring week.. working on weekends.. drained to the max.. my boy was exceptionally sweet.. brought me to work.. waited for me alone whilst shopping at wisma.. then came back to fetch me to go dinner.. -smiles- 22 days more to us being together for 2 years.. its been a long journey.. long long journey..

going to KO liow. nitez.

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hmm.. so.. all my friends.. tell me.. what do u guys think of a...


F*CK BUDDY.

tell me tell me!

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i think im falling in love with corrinne may. her soothing tunes make my messed-up heart very calm.. and i like the way im smiling to myself when she sings. and no.. im not psychopatic or wat.. just like the feeling..

i got a M1 prepaid card!! 9000 sms!!! -faints- its value for money to me.. coz i sms more than 1500 each month.. and its making me scrimp and save just to pay for my very expensive hp bills. prepaid is good.. heh.. =) now i can sms until my thumb go into an uncontrollable spasm!

met up with huiping on thursday.. its been a long time since poly days.. dun think we've changed much.. just tt she prolly mature alot more due to her experiences in life these 2 years. its been tough la.. but i think all of us just have to start walking thru it and stop wallowing in self pity. great to see her stand strong!

brought her down to muchuan.. wea the 2 of us drowned ourselves in the tunes of the melancholic singing. can i just say i hate the song.. "lao shu ai da mi.." wa lau! makes no sense in the first place what.. and the song is just.. eeee la.. eeeee

went separate ways after muchuan.. met up ken for supper.. i was actually just planning to mit him to satisfy my prata craving.. end up.. we stayed out till almost 5 in the morning.

fong seng's prata was good la.. but i think the curry chicken drumstick was better.. worth the $3!! mushroom cheese prata! wa lau.. super sinful.. but i was a satisfied mushroom and cheese prata customer. =)

suppose to leave ard 2 plus 3.. bladder got an urgent need to be emptied .. so ken accompanied me to west coast macs.. who knows we actually sat there and chatted till the cows come home. with the company of himalayan tea!! and i was treated to a piece of oreos cheesecake which tasted realli bad la.. taste a bit chao ta can.. hahaha!
he inserted some sense into me.. and encouraged me in a million ways. wonder how he can actually relate his small tortoise and big tortoise theory on me. it was one of those days.. just like those days at marina sq macs. ha! we onli can speak our minds at macs!!

newae ken.. duna say all the cliche stuffs.. already said wat i wanna say to u yest.. =)

so crazy we 2.. even wanted to stay till 6 in the morning for breakfast!

came back home.. slept.. din go work today.. went to bai bai my ah gong.. just finish all my work now.. and i have to go back to work tmr!! -faint-

laters! hope the weekends will be good.. -prays-

ps:/ kiong and liting left for US yest! all the best!

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i used to be very disturbed by how ppl would react.. or how ppl will think when they know of certain things.. or maybe just how they think of me, judging me from the actions or things i do.. now.. i no longer care.

the weekends were educational in a way.. i canot control how ppl think, what ppl say or what they feel like doing. unfortunately, i onli realise it only tt weekend.. hopefully aint tt late..

"aiya, very individual one la.."

its a common phrase my buds and me realli like to use.. realising the fact tt as we all grow up together.. we dun share many same sentiments.. and our thinking differs. gradually... from having a same common goal to finish our Os in secondary sch with the 9 of us.. we diverge into many smaller other groups..
some of us groups are more practical.. a couple are MCP and super MCP in fact.. others are more restrained to having a life to themselves. i dun blame them tho.. as i said.. when we all grow older.. mindsets all change.

whilst i enjoyed the company to MOMO and Dbl O last weekend, i canot stop ppl from not njoying the music at MOMO or at Dbl O.. neither can i stop ppl from flaring for no aparent reason just because me, rus and jia tot tt it was time to go at 2am and we were realli tired, ALSO.. i canot stop ppl from getting pissed just because one of us duna drink.

i guess in the past i was too sensitive to how others feel. on one hand, it might be a good thing to be sensitive and to be like in other's position.. on the other, being a tat too sensitive can refrain one from doing what he or she wans.
it was a valuable lesson. u never know when u realli understand something, untill u r able to apply it on urself.

things dun normally happen the way u wan them to. jia is rite.. after having chats with this dear buddy of mine yest.. she said i should maintain an open r/ship w him. im alwix saying.. "whatever will b.. will be.." but at the end of the day.. i couldnt apply it internally. i got numbed. the feeling wasnt very good. reciprocal.. reciprocal..reciprocal..

well anyway, clubbing was alrite.. but i announced it to be my final clubbing stint in maybe 6mths to a year.. i just dun njoy it as much as b4.. when u can dance till 4am in the morning, have supper and then reach home at 6am. last weekend, i concussed at 2am.

i went to watch dim sum dollies today at the esplanade and i farking laugh my lungs out! it was sooo furnie la. i realised.. i havent been that happy for a long long while. and it was as good as it lasted.

its the 17th already.

i hope by having this much strength.. this much preserverance.. something comes out of it. im trying.. and im trying v hard..

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the word "sorry" doesnt mean anything these days.

just stop saying sorry.. and start doing something bout it.

i feel my change. and im happy w it.

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the best of friendships form under realli weird circumstances. many a times, they always say... u dun need alot of best friends.. just 1-2 and a whole lot of buddies, acquaintances and ppl u know when u call for help will definitely be what i call.. "2 steps behind u.."

i sat at muchuan today.. while listening to ken serenade. nvr once doubt his ability to sing with tt "god-given" voice he had.. he sang a couple of my favourites.. including the recent song tt kept going thru in my head..
zhang jing xuan - duan dian

many times i found myself wandering thru my thoughts.. lost.

i looked at ken and thought of how our friendship started while temp-ing at NTUC INCOME. i remembered we went for the interview together.. i didnt talk much.. so he started breaking the ice by introducing himself and asking if he knew how much was the pay scale. i had thought we would be in different depts.. end up, we worked under the same boss.. in the same dept.. doing the same thing together with CY and KK.

he was alwix the quiet one.. alwix the punctual one who never fails to reach office at 830am sharp.. but is also the one that falls alsp most of the time with his hand still on the mouse. *laughs* not forgetting that he was also the one tt drank so much water tt he had to refill his 125ml bottle every 30 mins and to visit the toilet at the same time.

we had lotsa fun during the earlier times.. when our boss didnt realli bother bout us.. and we arrange our work load, chit chat, lunch, tea break to 8 hours a day. pure fun i tell u. never looked fwd to work so much tt time. we took 2 hours lunch break.. and would walk down to selegie to have our tao huay.. then slowly stroll back to office. i suppose a part of us were apprehensive at the way we were behaving in office, then again.. another part of us actually found it exciting. heh. never got caught anyway.. CY was the one tt alwix had smart excuses. -grin-

i remembered how u and i actually had heart to heart talks at marina south's macs.. u r realli not someone tt open up easily.. tho, every day at work.. could see tt something was bothering u.. but everytime i asked.. u declined to say much.. until we sat down at macs.. chatted bout life.. bout r/ships.. and it was when i talked to u bout CK.. i'll never forget that look on ur face.. u finally opened up.. talked to me bout ur ex.. and bout wat was on ur mind..

good times never last long enuf for me to enjoy. as the months past.. 4 of us gradually became onli 1. me. the last man standing. all 3 of them left to pursue their own careers.. leaving me to wait till sch reopens.

i never thought this piece of friendship.. a very special one.. could last all the way till now.. uve been such a wonderful someone.. listening, accompanying, singing, laughing together with me when i was down.. no matter how many times i asked u to sing "wang le ai".. u'll just laugh.. but still pick up tt guitar.. just like how u did so today.

btw.. his real name is not ken.. its just a name i gave him..

ken.. dedicate this entry specially to u.

1) for tt big big big patience u have with me at guitar learning even tho i always end up chucking the guitar aside.. u still take the time to key in the chords for me in the hp..

2) for the times we had by esplanade.. we should do it again some time..

3) for waking up and listening to my grumbles at 2am till morning.. and believing i'll realli send the teriyaki chicken over -grin-

4) for singing "wang le ai" over and over again coz i still love it.. now u can start practising "duan dian" coz i wan to use it as my ringtone. heh.

5) for being my bus directory

i'll drop by again on the 18th i hope.. then i'll have ken and anson! speaking of anson.. another guy who is realli comical, great vocals, good looks. heh.

meanwhile, fireworks make me happy and i just went for the 2359hrs one. heh.
gona slp now.. rus and jia coming over in a couple of hours later..

it was a great day.. =)

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i met thomas at yd today. long time since i met anyone related to them. it was a pleasant surprise.. he was the last person i expected to see there. somehow i felt tt i would meet someone i haven met for a long long time.. just didnt know it was going to be thomas.

had a small chat with him.. and he was exclaiming y i disapppeared for so many months..i kept silent.

deep in me, i wanted so much to tell him that it wasnt me. if i had the chance.. the choice.. i would choose the meet up with them.. with friends i used to treasure so much.. but now have forsaken. but i chose to keep silent. because it didnt matter now..

i asked bout the rest.. he casually mentioned they were meeting up on sunday.. -smiles-

friends come and go.. guess the constant chats with caron did help a lil..

i remembered a few months back i open a box full of letters i wrote to rus years ago.. i opened all of them.. reading the memories we had when we were in sec sch.. beneath tt stack.. there was this white envelope i dun quite remember i wrote it..

i flipped the envelope behind.. and it wrote.. "denise, think twice before u opened this.. it contains hurtful memories and may cause tears.."

i looked at it again.. got myself into quite a bit of shock.. and tot "someone" put the letter there. but, looking at it a few times..i ripped the letter open.. i realise.. i wrote the letter myself... 2 years ago.. watever happen btn me and him.. -laughs-

i didnt tear.. i laughed.. i smiled at myself and how i could think of such an idea.. to write all the incidents and memories into 4 pieces of blank paper..inserted into envelope and actually forgot bout it.

there it was.. my memories.. i read them all over again.. and saw how i forgot some things actually happened..

over and over.

august the 6th. to ck and liting: all the best in US!

laters. going to watch vcd and snuggle with my boy.. heh.. =)

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the world has changed.

i remember a few years back while reading some female magazines.. they were all talking about how women leave men.. because men WERE all commitment phobic. it went on for a couple of months, having issues appearing in different mags, discussing on this topic. at tt point of time, i simply thought.. maybe the men just dont love the women enuf. -shrugs-

today, i had a talk with wilson at egos 2.. one of the pubs jo was working at gallery hotel.. (i meant to intro everyone there.. but since jo is resigning.. then no use la ah.. heh..) nice place with a cosy environment.. tho i think we realli need a big gang to be comfortable.. sofas too big la.. heh.. cheap for me coz it was ladies night! but i didnt want to drink much since i need to work tmr.

ok i digress.

we were once again, talking bout r.ships and he jokingly asked when i wanna intro a gf to him. it was a quest tt almost all my single guy friends were asking me.. till the extent i wondered.. maybe i have alot of pretty gfs!
newae, we chatted on the topic and he said he wanted to find one gal who was willing to settle down which equates to "the not havoc kind".

then i pondered, how come it is now that the logic has changed.. and that gals are the ones now who are more commitment phobic. more and more guys are willing, in fact to settle down now.. say at the age of 25, 26.
it brought me down to another logic i was telling jenny a few days back. in so many relationships i see.. and for those tt lost its touch.. its alwix the same cycle.. the female party puts in tremendous amt of effort in the first few years.. and the male SBC. read: Simply Bo Chap. the gals keep trying.. trying.. trying.. till they are exhausted.. when they reach the peak.. and realise nothing is possible anymore, thats when the guys suddenly know who's good for them.

sadly.. by then.. its too late. he's right. once a gal makes up her mind.. it can be forever.. or never. all those sweet nothings.. all those flowers, gifts, rings, memories, promises can vanish into thin air the moment she realised ure no longer the one. yet, after seeing so many cases, there are still guys who dun cherish the one by their side. the one who has promised to live their life with them, or maybe till death do them apart.

why? why do ppl regret only when they lost something dear to them. why issit that some guys can still talk to another gal in front of their gfs, despite knowing that their gfs dun like that particular gal?? where is the respect? what has happened to the security that gals were supposed to have or be given? and why do couples realise this.. onli when they break up?

i woke up, to find him stroke my hair while he was watching vcd..was suppose to watch it w him.. but i think i fell aslp half way thru it. i felt so at ease.. like jo said, simple actions meant so much. even if it was the way he held my hand when we slp..

simple hugs..simple pecks.. simple msgs.. simple phone calls just to say hi.. yet all of us never find the chance to do it and mean it.

enuf of thoughts. all of this at egos 2.

thks jo.. for the company.. for making me laugh and for being urself.. i had fun. =)

thks wilson.. for the chats.. for the conversation that caused a though provoking nite.. no worries.. i'll b fine.. as alwix..

thks phil.. for that beautiful song.. u sang realli well.. i meant the english one.. heh..

thks JR.. for the company..

lastly, thks ronny.. for the ride home.. tho we almost got lost after circling at MS.. *grin*

great nite.. good company. what more can i ask for? =)

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i hate it everytime i have alot of things to write about.. but when i log on and start to type. i get the writer's block.

-bah-

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-takes a deep breath-

its a brand new month.. -smiles-

haven had the time to sit down and seriously consolidate thoughts in me for the past few weeks.. its been a tough month: stressful and painful. lets hope the brand new month bring in new things for the both of us.. *keeps my fingers crossed*

past few weeks have been eventful.. with the meeting up of buddies to chill at my plc with green tea, green apple and potato chips. we chatted on the topic of relationships yet again, tried to talk anor buddy of mine out of certain issues but in vain for the 5215125429786 consecutive times, and as usual.. rus alwix had issues to make me spent the rest of tt night thinking to myself..

"if i realli love the gal.. i'll never be able to scream at her.."

as such, does this statement realli stand? if so, then does it mean i have not met the one i love sooooooo much that i'll never bring myself to scream at him. i think i never screamed or shouted at alwin before, maybe at times when i get irritated.. i raise my voice.. sometimes over my limits.. many times i control my emotions. rus talked bout how his friend controlled the situation w his gf, when she made him super duper angry but he still didnt do anything.. but merely brought her to one corner.. kissed and hugged her.. held her hands and spoke to her nicely.

fairytale man this kind. if alwin would do that everytime, i think i'll marry him straight away. but sadly, everytime he gets agitated.. he will raise his voice at me too.. does this mean he doesnt love me?

then i think my mum definitely doesnt love my dad! hahaha!

ironical.

watever kind of world do we live in! newae, i still stand by my views in relationships..

if he loves me.. he'll never do anything to hurt me.

ive been shopping alot for accessories recently.. i think i spent the money i saved for lunch on them. lets see how long i take to match miss sharon's collection. -faintz-

met up w miss caron also.. haven seen her ever since i came back from china, so i once again satisfied my craving for himalayan tea at west coasts macs, chatting with this pal of mine since june 2000. -grin- it was great to R&R with this woman i tell u... she's full of crap and shit. but i like. hahaha..
thereafter, i brought caron to mit the PRC peepz, and she brought her beau along.. hoped they all had fun! =)

k lah.. enuf for the day.. will write soon... =)

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