30 Day Challenge: Day 27

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

I have a lot going great for me right now. Namely my family. They're the best. Also, I have the best friends a girl could ask for. Over the years I've learned what real friends are, and I'm happy with my little group of go to girls. Also, as random as this is, my church calling. I seriously LOVE teaching these little ones, as loud as they are sometimes. I truly believe it's the most rewarding calling in the church. Every January I get a group of loud, scared three year olds. And every January I say good bye to a group of reverent happy four year olds. As challenging as it can be some weeks, I know I can always ask for help, and I do when I need it. I just love those kids. I love hearing their parents tell me that kids from last year still miss my class. It makes me feel so good about myself, and I love having things to make me feel good about myself.

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Photo Challenge: From a distance

I'm not sure what they mean by at a distance. Originally I had planned on doing some scenery shot. Then this morning, I sent the kiddos outside for breakfast and Lucas informed me that we had bees. A little light bulb went off....

I call these: Honey Bees From a Distance

Here is a twofer. A silhouette and distance

Don't mind the sand. Last night as I was cleaning up the kids toys, I noticed the nectar had leaked, so I put some sand on it to soak it up. Obviously that didn't work. Hmph. I guess we'll have to wash the nectar out to avoid spills and bees. So sad.

Honesty Hurts

Tonight after my run, (Ben screamed the entire time...motivation to run faster!!!!) while driving home I was trying to explain to Lucas that I was diagnosed with a disease called depression. I tried to explain that it is the reason I cry a lot and have anger issues. I told him that the doctor is going to help mommy to be a better mom because I want to be a good mom to him. His response?

Lucas: Well you aren't
Me: I know, I'm trying to be better because I love you so much
Lucas: Well sometimes you aren't a good mom

Ouch!

Luckily I didn't cry. Probably because he's right. I feel so bad for all the times I've lost my temper for no reason and yelled at him, spanked him, sent him to his room to cry until he fell asleep, etc. Not that it's an every day thing, but it should be a never thing. There are so many days when I feel as if I don't deserve to be their mom and that I'm a complete failure.

However, I realize that my trying to be better proves my love and commitment. They are happy children, so I must be doing something right. But mostly that comment made me realize that medicating with this new medication is the right choice for me. I've only been on it for three days, but I've been questioning whether or not I made the right decision. But hearing those words, "you're not a good mom" from my four year old.... I'm definitely making the right choice. I would dig my way to China if it meant that I had the chance to be better for my boys.

Story Time

This morning we met up with some friends at the downtown library. It's a favorite place of ours, but we avoid it during the summer with school being out. We're glad school is back in session so that we can resume all of our fun outings. We did story time, then looked at books/ got kicked out of the kids library (sorta) for letting the kids run/play. Umm, if you don't want kids playing then don't have toys! When all that went down we moved outside to the fountain that wasn't turned on. The kids had fun throwing pennies in anyway. At one time or another, all of them almost fell in. Good times.

Lucas, Aiden, Logan
Evan
And off to the right, Mason (Missing Benjamin, Annabell and Ella)

Lucas, Benjamin, Aiden, Logan, Ella (Missing Mason and Annabell)

Calm

30 Day Challenge: Day 26

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

This is kind of a tricky one. I've given up on myself in a sense. Several times. But never on life. Suicidal thoughts have never entered my mind. I know a lot of people worry about that when they hear that I have depression. Giving up on myself is different though. It's being lazy, not eating right, not exercising, etc. I'm trying now to change that. I'm sick of being over weight, and I know that by doing things that are good for my body I will feel better about myself in return. Another thing that is easy (sadly) to give up when feeling down is prayer. I don't feel worthy to pray. I once heard that when we feel like that, we should pray until we feel like praying. I need to work on that!

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Photo Challenge: Close Up

(Dragonfly Wings-From the Garden)

My Choice

I've been feeling fairly happy since my diagnosis. I feel like I can take it with a grain of salt and move on. Life isn't going to end. But there is still a part of me, deep down, that is hurting. I ache to feel 'normal'. I desperately want a good life.

But the fact of the matter is, I do have a good life. I have nothing to complain about. I have the best husband, two adorable and mischievous children, the best girl friends a girl could ask for and while I lack faith, I have religion.

So even though I feel doomed and destine to suffer from depression, I'm not. I'm stronger than that! I know I'm writing the same things over and over in my posts lately, but I need to work though (meaning write about) what I'm feeling. It is really therapeutic for me.

....

"I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there."

30 Day Challenge: Day 25

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today

Because I'm not dead!

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Photo Challenge: Something Pink

(Squishies Pig)

(Pink Race Car...all mine!)

(Smarties)

A New Diagnosis

I have so many thoughts running through my head. Do I write about this, do I not? Will I be judged? Will it help me to feel better? I don't know. All I know is that I finally had a very long awaited doctors appointment this morning to address the return of my depression.

The diagnosis was Bipolar II. I didn't realized there was more than one type, but apparently there are four. After we talked and I cried through an entire brand new box of tissue he just looked up and said, "well, it's very obvious that you are in fact bipolar." He went on to describe how I was 'lucky' that it was type 2 because it was one of the easier ones to treat. I basically have depression with hypo-manic spells. I didn't know what hypo-manic was either. Most people associate bipolar with the manic episodes they experience. By with type two, my manic cycles are less 'manic' than a more severe type of bipolar. Meaning on my "highs" I'm actually feeling pretty normal but maybe with some compulsive behaviors.

Thinking back over the last ten years of my life, it's easy for me to see that I've been suffering all along, but that I didn't know I was suffering. No one noticed or offered me help. Also, my cycles between depression and mania were fewer and farther between. It seems as if the older I get the closer together they become.

Another interesting thing that I learned is that antidepressants, such as the Zoloft that I'm taking, can set of a manic episode. It fits me to a T. A few weeks after starting on the Zoloft I was feeling higher than high on life. I used to be a pretty happy person, but this was like abnormally happy. My house was spotless, my kids were happy, we were constantly on the go, life was beyond amazing! I don't think that I would want to live my life like that all the time. I'm grateful to just be normal.

I will start on an anti convulsion medication. And over the course of two weeks gradually increase my dose. Then hopefully wean down on the Zoloft. I'm not exactly excited about it. Any of it. I went into the doctors this morning expecting to hear this news, and yet when he said the words I felt a deep pain.

It's really difficult to explain my dark feelings. But for whatever reason I felt like I was letting people down. That I somehow failed at life. Logically I know that it's a chemical imbalance that is out of my control. And that because my mom is also bipolar, I was at a higher risk for it. I know all this. But it doesn't stop me from feeling horrible. Luckily I've never had thoughts of harming myself or anyone else, or suicide. My depression mostly manifests itself as severe guilt. I feel guilty for anything and everything. Mostly things that are completely out of my control. And then I feel guilty for feeling guilty. It's vicious cycle.

I'm grateful to have help. I just hope that it doesn't mean that we're done having kids. That is my biggest fear. I really don't want to be dependent on medication the rest of my life. But more importantly, I don't want my children to be raised in a home that is chaotic and unpredictable. I would do anything for them, even this.

I read a quote today that said:

"You were given this life because you were strong enough to live it."
-unknown author

How perfect is that? It's so true. This is one of the trials that I was asked to endure, and so I will do it the best way I know how. By not giving up on myself. And by always remembering that I love my little family so much, that the suffering I do in silence is worth it for their happiness.

*Written Friday, I wasn't sure I wanted to post. I'm not looking for judgements. This is just for journaling purposes. **

Run Run Run

There is a Nike ad that says:

Run from bills, run from mortgages,
run from work, run from routine,
run from your fears, run from your
worries, run from relationships,
run from commitments, run from
handicaps, run from disadvan-
tages, run from your wants,
run from needs, run from
this, run from that, run
run run run run
run run
run

This was actually the very thing that I read one day while in a depressed funk that made the little light bulb go off. I looked at Jeremy and an hour later I was running for the first time in seven years. Since then I've gone three or four times a week. I'm obsessed with it. I crave it. I get moody if I don't have it. I asked Jeremy if he saw a difference in me since running and he said that it's the one thing that I've done to help with my depression that has had the greatest impact. He said that I'm night and day different. That makes me happy because I like to think that I'm good at fighting. At least good at fighting what I believe in. And having my children grow up in a home with normalcy is something I strongly believe in. I don't want them to have to deal with all my crazy ups and downs.

Now this might not sound like a big deal to you, but I just got home from a walk. I have decided that Monday, Wednesday and Friday will be my running days. I do a run/walk for three miles and on Sunday I'll just take my boys and husband if he has time on a nice family walk for the three miles. I had intentions of just walking tonight, but my new diagnosis (which I will write about) still has me feeling a bit down and so when I got to the beginning of the trail I just started to run. Pushing a double jogger I ran for a half mile without stopping. That is about a half mile more than I've been able to do up until today, even when I'm not pushing a jogger. I know it's not a big deal, but it IS a big deal. I felt SO amazing afterward. So healthy and charged up. And so free of my disease.

Ahhh... running. I'm so glad we've met again!

30 Day Challenge: Day 23 & 24

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.

I can honestly not think of a single thing I wish I had done. Weird. I think with a few exceptions in my moodiness, I'm living the life I always thought that I would. I have a great husband, great kids and great friends. What more could a girl ask for?

Photo Challenge: Sun Flare

I'm not in love with any of these pictures, however it's the best I could do at the time. I'm in love with the technique and will playing around with it to try and get some better pictures soon.



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Day 24 → Make a play list to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

This is easy. I have playlists already created for Jeremy, Lucas and my dad. But since the most important song on the playlist to my dad I wrote about once before (Here) and because I'm always writing about the love songs that remind me of my sweet husband, I'm going to go with my playlist for Lucas. I started working on this while I was still pregnant. And for the first year or two of his life I bounced him to sleep to this CD almost every single night. Sometimes I would have to play it on repeat two or three times.

1. Gracie Girl (Ben Folds) ... I would change the words to Lucas Boy...
   
2. A New Day (Celine Dion)
3. Upside Down (Jack Johnson)
4. Beautiful Boy (John Lennon)
5. Dreamland (Karen Carpenter)
6. Watching You (Rodney Atkins)
7. Just The Two of Us (Will Smith)
8. Wonderful World (Louis Armstrong)
9. With Arms Wide Open (Creed)
   

Dear Lucas- Remembering all these songs was so wonderful for me. It brought me back to when you were a brand new baby cradled in my arms and the only thing in life that I cared about what being a good mother for you. I would rock you to sleep and sing you these songs and I know that snuggled up against my chest you felt loved and a sense of belonging. I knew before you came to earth that you were a special child, and that you were ready to come to this world. So when you finally arrived, I know you were happy to be here. You were sick for the first four months with reflux and you cried almost non stop at night. There were many nights when I was frustrated beyond belief and feeling guilty for feeling that way. But I would put on this music and quietly sing to you and you would always settle down and eventually fall asleep. Sometimes even now, that you are four, if you aren't feeling well I still reach for this CD to soothe you to sleep. I love you so very much, my beautiful boy. And I'm so grateful that you choose our family to join.

Love,
Mama

*Sorry I didn't explain each song, maybe I will some other time8


Photo Challenge: Animal

Sorry ya'll but I couldn't decide which angle to take with this one. So I present to you picture overload.

I overheard Lucas telling my brother on the phone, "I have a pet dog named Spot. But he isn't real."

Just as Lucas did, Benjamin LOVES our cat

What's not to love. He's gorgeous. And very gentle.

This kid IS an animal!!!!!!!

This little guy came home with us from Gatlinburg

30 Day Challenge: Day 22

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

I wish I hadn't dropped out of college. And then given up on my full scholarship to beauty school. I wouldn't trade marrying Jeremy for it, but I wish that I could have had both.

Photo Challenge: Hands

(Looking to the unknown)

30 Day Challenge: Day 21

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

This is almost my biggest fear. It's a huge reason why I don't like fighting with people. And why I hate that I suffer from depression. When I'm feeling down, I'm often short tempered with those I love and say things that aren't nice. When my dad was in the hospital and we didn't know if when we left each night if it would be the last time we saw him, I wanted to make sure he knew every day how much I love him. But one day, I went to visit him and other people were in the room, so for a few hours I waited in the hall. By the time I finally decided I was going to just go in anyway, it was time for his dialysis. I was so upset and I took it out on him. As they wheeled him by, he asked if I would bring him his water. I took my time getting there because I was so upset. I explained why I felt the way I did. I was torn between wanting to let everyone else who loved him get there time with him (everyone had things they wanted to say to him) and having him all to myself. After all I had two very small children with me on the trip, and couldn't hang around at the hospital all day long. I could only come in short spurts. He understood, but when I left I felt so bad. I certainly did not want that to be my last encounter with him. So I called him that night, told him again that I was sorry and begged him not to die that night. Luckily for me he didn't. And we were able to have a few more good days before I flew home and he passed away.

I previously wrote about how I forgave my step-dad before moving away to school. And then a few months later he was killed in a car accident. He wasn't my best friend, but it just goes to show that things like this happen.

It's always best to part ways on good terms. We should always treat those we love like it will be the last time we see them. Because we really never know!

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Photo Challenge: Faceless Self-portrait

(All Natural)

*This is what my hair looks like air dried with no product.
I used to hate it, but now I'm started to enjoy it.

Sleep

I think I've finally gotten the kids sleeping through the night! It only took me since I've been a mother. Yikes...I'm way behind the times. Anyway, Lucas is sleeping 11 hours and Benjamin 12. If Benjamin doesn't get his full beauty rest he is CRANKY. Like this morning, so in about two hours he will be taking a nap! Speaking of naps, he's pretty much over them. Which is both good and bad. It makes it hard to go anywhere in the afternoon because he will fall asleep in the car and then NOT go to bed at night...which is beyond frustrating. Because after four years of never having alone time, I'm too used to have my alone time at night to give it up now!

On a side note....Benjamin dressed himself for bed last night. He got his shirt on backward, and we left it. He was super duper excited and proud of himself. It was so funny because when Jeremy and I started clapping to show our excitement, he didn't this little silly dance and made some weird noises. I couldn't put it into words to do it justice, it was funny. But what was funnier is that he looked EXACTLY like Lucas. I'm always amazed at how much they act alike. For being so different, they sure are a lot alike.

Status Updates

Sometimes I post little statuses to Facebook and don't think twice about blogging about them. But this is one to remember. Or save for blackmail one day.

Lucas and Benjamin just got out of the bath and are running around naked. They are both nudists and will prolong getting dressed as long as possible. I don't really care, I liked being naked as a little kid too. There is something so liberating about it.

Anyway, business as usual until I looked over and saw Benjamin standing over Lucas (who was not paying attention because the TV is on). He was holding himself getting ready to pee on Lucas! What in the world, kid? I told him to go on the potty, at first he said no but then I think he quickly realized that he would have been in some BIG time trouble if he actually did pee on his brother.

Holy moly! Had I not looked over he probably would have done it. Boys are so gross!!!!

30 Day Challenge: Day 20

Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.

That's easy enough. I hate them both! Alcohol destroyed my family. Literally. My step-dad was an alcoholic and even though he was a happy drunk, the drunken stupors caused so many unnecessary problems in our home. I realize it's a disease. Trust me, I get it. I spent countless hours in interventions, rehabs, counseling, AA meetings... you name it I've been there. I was his biggest supporter because I believed he could get better. But the fact of the matter is, he had a disease that manifest itself as addiction.

Last semester Jeremy took a class on this very subject. He read a book about how those with this disease literally aren't capable of making decisions the same way. For example if an alcoholic was sitting at the bar and he was told that he could have that shot of alcohol, but that if he did he was going to be shot in the head.... the average person would walk away. But the alcoholic would actually think to himself, "Will I have enough time to finish the drink before the bullet hits me?" Is that not the saddest thing ever? I mean really, can you imagine having to live your life like that? I surely can't.

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Photo Challenge: Bokeh

I will be honest here, I had NO idea what in the world Bokeh meant. I had to Google it. It basically means that the out of focus part of the photo is pleasing to the eye. (When the lights are all little colorful dots). I read all about how to do it, and then spent several hours trying to figure it out. All with no luck. But lucky for me there is a carnival across the street from us, so last night I sat on the porch and played around with my camera. This is by no means a great photo, but nonetheless I learned something new about my camera. And that is the great thing about this challenge is that it forces me to learn how to REALLY use my camera. (Thanks Jeremy for my new camera, I LOVE LOVE LOVE it!)

(Ferris Wheel)

Lucas

I think this picture speaks for itself. Lucas is one beautiful child!

We had a lot of fun playing with the camera and his dinosaurs this morning.

30 Day Challenge: Day 19

Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

Since I only have to pick one of the two, I'll go with religion. My honest opinion is that I do not know how people get by without it. How do people go through life without believe in God? Let me just make it clear that I LOVE my church/religion. I do believe with all my heart that I belong to the true church. But with that being said, I have lots of friends of other faiths, and they are WONDERFUL people. I believe that they will be in heaven with me when this life is over. I would like to hope that we would all be good people even if we didn't have our respective religions, but who's to say? I think we try harder to be the best we can because we have standards and something to strive for (eternal life).

Photo Challenge: Something Orange

(The top tier of the ring stacker)

(Miniature Dinosaur)

Our HUGE Grasshopper

Just as we pulled in to park in front of our house, I saw a huge grasshopper fly by and land on the brick by our front door. I hurried Lucas out to go see. It was the most beautiful one I've ever seen, so while he stood guard, I ran in to grab a cage.




A few randoms to toss in here:

I guess Benjamin felt left our when we were playing dress up last night

I'm LOVING this kids imagination lately! I gave him a few feet of yarn and he turned it into spiderman webbing. He had it all over the house though, so fun!

30 Day Challenge: Day 18

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.

I'm a mormon, and my belief is that God created man and woman to compliment each other and to be husband and wife and to procreate. That is the whole purpose of us being here on this earth in our physical state. With that being friend, I have lots of friends who are gay and I love them! It's not that them being my friend makes me want to change my mind about my beliefs, but I am sad for them that they will never know the same happiness that I know because of my wedding vows and my children.

Photo Challenge: Day 18

Shoes

One of many pairs of running shoes that I own. That are finally getting put to GOOD use!

(New Balance-Not just a name, a reality)

My New Outfit

Amy insisted I show pictures of my new dress. I found it brand new with the tags still on it for $4 at Goodwill. Score! I wore it to church today and got lots of compliments, which was nice. I've never really worn so much pink before. But it was fun feeling girly surrounded by all my boys.

Jeremy got these shoes for me. I painted my toes pink to match my dress.

Disguises

(Lucas)

(This has to be one of my all time favorite pictures)

(Jeremy and I)

(Yes, we're dorks)

Photo Challenge: Day 17

Technology

(My new mp3 player for running)

30 Day Challenge: Day 17

Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

I love to read, so it would be difficult to name just one.

Total Money Make Over
This book opened my eyes to all my financial mistakes and has helped me get on a budget. It's made it SO much easier to survive being dirt poor while Jeremy is in graduate school. Honestly I don't think I would have been able to make it through four years of having no money without it.

The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands
I actually read this book long before I ever got married. And it has stuck with me all these years. The message is simple, if you want your husband to be faithful and be kind to you, then appreciate him and do the simple things that he needs done for him. (Which she basically says are food and sex). The part that stood out the most is when she talks about how so many woman are so quick to tell their husbands that they don't do anything for them. When in fact they provide an income so that we can stay home with the children, and most husbands do small things like mow the yard, take out the trash...etc. They need to be appreciated for the small things that they are 'expected' to do. Also, how they need to have guy time, just like we need to have girl time.

The Roadshow
This probably sounds silly because it's a fictional book. But I felt as if I could relate to every single character in that book. There was a young mother with two small children and a husband that was in school full time. She struggled with depression. In the end she ended up taking medication to help her through. I don't know why, but for some reason I felt as if I was reading about myself and she made it okay for me to take that next step in taking medication to help me through.

Change Your Questions, Change Your Life
Literally. Life changing! It helped me to realize when I was wrong in the downfall of my friendship with Laura. It helped me to realize a lot of things, but the main thing I took away from it was that I felt a greater sense of understanding myself and the role that I play in what goes on around me. Very powerful read!

I could go on and on and on. Like I said, I love to read, and all the books I read have an impact on my life. I'm currently reading three and I know that when I'm done I will be a better person!

Photo Challenge: Day 16

Day 16: Long Exposure

(Lightning McQueen)

30 Day Challenge: Day 16

Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.

This is an easy one. Depression. I could SO live without it! I hate it. I don't wish it on my worst enemy (if I had a worse enemy). I don't feel like I deserve to have it. I hate that my friends have it. I hate how miserable it makes me. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it!

Discovery Zone

Today we rode down with the Davis' to the Discovery zone in Murfreesboro. A friend at church had told her about it, and she invited us to go. It was so nice to be able to carpool, Lucas just loves his buddy and it was nice to have an hour of adult conversation each way. We spent a few hours playing before breaking for lunch, then went back for another hour or so. This place was so amazing! The kids all had so much fun and I cannot wait to go back again. Here are a few pictures for your enjoyment.

Before heading in, the boys enjoyed the fish pond
(Ben was the only one who smiled)

Then he realized Lucas had his hands on his head, so he copied

Gorgeous lily pads

Ben checking out the fire truck

Rowing on the floor

Going down the HUGE slide

Getting wet at the water table

The cute little town

Aiden rowing

The little auto shop where you can change tires, oil, fill up the gas, etc

Lucas working hard

Cute baby Evan

Cute Benjamin

Benjamin in the fire truck

I wish I had more pictures of Lucas, but that kid would NOT stop for a second. There was so much to do that he was all over the place exploring and having a great time.