That I've been failing to recognise how much she needs someone at the moment. And that I've been failing to recognise that that person used to be me, and there is no reason why it still can't be me. So yeah, he might have a problem with it, but I know her, and she won't let that get in the way... she never did before.
I'm an awful friend, and I am incapable of keeping in touch with people that I do not see every single day of my life. I swear, there's something wrong with me. When somebody thinks that pizza and lambrini in a bus stop is a good offer, you know they need a girly chat and some galaxy chocolate... or john smiths for that matter. I'm not giving up. I need to fix it before I move to Sheffield or it's never going to be fixed.
AHHHHHHH I'm so annoyed at myself. Words aren't working... and it's been so long since I wrote my last poem that that soooo isn't going to cut it. I don't even think I could write a half decent poem anymore. Pfffffft.
Urgh, I fancy writing about the job situation, the girlfriend situation and the family situation, but my internet connection is shitty. You would not BELIEVE how long it took me to post this damn thing. meh.
-Out.
Saturday, 27 June 2009
Sunday, 3 May 2009
RIP
Well... It's been almost a week now. I don't feel like she's gone though. But I know she is. I still imagine her in the hospital, and I still find it weird how everyone isn't rushing around saying things like, "Well I have to go to the centre tonight so you will have to go see Great Grandma..." etc.
In a way, I'm happy for her. I know she hadn't had the most amazing 10 weeks of her life, being stuck in a hospital, breaking her hip, getting every bug and infection that was going. She was tired of it all. Personally, I think she'd given in anyway. It would be hard to accept that you couldn't do anything yourself for possibly the rest of your life after you have always been so independent. I mean, she was 95 and still living in her own house, with her family around her. Not like most women at that age, who see their family once a week because they are in a care home. She always said she didn't want that, and I'm glad she never had to do it.
And at least I know she wasn't in any physical pain when she died. She was asleep, probably dreaming about when she was a kid or something. Dreaming about her wedding day, my Grandma's wedding day, when her grandchildren, and greatgrandchildren were born. Her own wedding day. I really hope there is something else after this life, because if there is she will be with my Great Grandad now. I met him, but I was so young. I just know she really loved him. And if it's still possible, I want her to be happy.
I'm annoyed at myself though. The last timeI saw her she wasn't even in hospital, she was at home, recovering and watching the TV. Some old fashioned movie, you know the type. Hunky man saves young woman, probably at some point by riding a horse or shooting a gun. Black and white. I remeber she was asking me about college. When my exams were, what I was doing about University. So I told her. And she told me to work hard. She said that I would only get there if I worked hard, but she knew that I could do it. Although it's not the best thing to say as a last conversation, I will remember it. I'm going to do it for her, because I know it would have made her happy. She wanted us all to have brilliant lives. Seen as her's is over, I have to do it.
The funeral is on Wednesday, and I'm having to take a day off college. Don't really want to go, because I know it's going to be really upsetting and everyone will be crying. My grandma will be crying, and that's scary because I've never ever seen her cry before. I remember the time she swore, that was shocking enough within itself. But Wednesday is going to be hard. Wish me luck.
--Out
In a way, I'm happy for her. I know she hadn't had the most amazing 10 weeks of her life, being stuck in a hospital, breaking her hip, getting every bug and infection that was going. She was tired of it all. Personally, I think she'd given in anyway. It would be hard to accept that you couldn't do anything yourself for possibly the rest of your life after you have always been so independent. I mean, she was 95 and still living in her own house, with her family around her. Not like most women at that age, who see their family once a week because they are in a care home. She always said she didn't want that, and I'm glad she never had to do it.
And at least I know she wasn't in any physical pain when she died. She was asleep, probably dreaming about when she was a kid or something. Dreaming about her wedding day, my Grandma's wedding day, when her grandchildren, and greatgrandchildren were born. Her own wedding day. I really hope there is something else after this life, because if there is she will be with my Great Grandad now. I met him, but I was so young. I just know she really loved him. And if it's still possible, I want her to be happy.
I'm annoyed at myself though. The last timeI saw her she wasn't even in hospital, she was at home, recovering and watching the TV. Some old fashioned movie, you know the type. Hunky man saves young woman, probably at some point by riding a horse or shooting a gun. Black and white. I remeber she was asking me about college. When my exams were, what I was doing about University. So I told her. And she told me to work hard. She said that I would only get there if I worked hard, but she knew that I could do it. Although it's not the best thing to say as a last conversation, I will remember it. I'm going to do it for her, because I know it would have made her happy. She wanted us all to have brilliant lives. Seen as her's is over, I have to do it.
The funeral is on Wednesday, and I'm having to take a day off college. Don't really want to go, because I know it's going to be really upsetting and everyone will be crying. My grandma will be crying, and that's scary because I've never ever seen her cry before. I remember the time she swore, that was shocking enough within itself. But Wednesday is going to be hard. Wish me luck.
--Out
Sunday, 26 April 2009
On the Up?
I hope so anyway. Things can only get better, as they say. Today was good though, well, tonight. It just annoys me how so many people know what's been going on with me and her. Also how my 'friends' are reacting. Ok, not all of them, just one inparticular. But hey, she has her own mind, I just wish she would speak to me rather than others about me.
I'm looking forward to tomorrow night though =]]. But I just found out that a certain someone from my past is going to be there. I have nothing against that, but I just think it may be a little awkward and stuff. I know she's worried about it too. It should be fine though.
College, Ahhhh sweet college. Not long left now in all fairness. Just about 5 more weeks or so, until exams start. I'm crapping myself to be honest with you. I need to start revising, and actually getting out of bed in the mornings. I find it so hard though. I think I have depression on a morning. No joke. That's how it seems when I wake up and know I have to keep to a schedule, because I hate routine. Hate the bloody thing.
Oh well, best be off to sleep, I have to be up for that thing in 6 and a half hours. Joysssss.
--Out
I'm looking forward to tomorrow night though =]]. But I just found out that a certain someone from my past is going to be there. I have nothing against that, but I just think it may be a little awkward and stuff. I know she's worried about it too. It should be fine though.
College, Ahhhh sweet college. Not long left now in all fairness. Just about 5 more weeks or so, until exams start. I'm crapping myself to be honest with you. I need to start revising, and actually getting out of bed in the mornings. I find it so hard though. I think I have depression on a morning. No joke. That's how it seems when I wake up and know I have to keep to a schedule, because I hate routine. Hate the bloody thing.
Oh well, best be off to sleep, I have to be up for that thing in 6 and a half hours. Joysssss.
--Out
Wednesday, 22 April 2009
Maybe
I am devastated. But I don't know about it. Maybe I won't let myself in. That's what they all keep telling me anyway. Things along those lines.
--Out.
--Out.
I honestly don't know...
Why I'm not devastated. It feels strange. I don't think I know what I'm doing, and I don't think anything has hit me. No-one listens though, because I'm always seen as the bad guy. How many times do I have to apologise for her to believe that I'm sorry?
Today was good. In a weird way of course. I fucked her up - mentally. I didn't mean too. She pressured me into it though. I couldn't say no, even if I had wanted too, which half of me did and half of me didn't. But then one side gace in and the other remained for the rest of the day - until now.
She's going to totally hate me soon. She's not going to talk to me and the group will split and it will be all my fault. I'm sorry that it wasn't working for me, ok? And I can see it now... in the next few months, my life is going to crash around me. I'm going to be in the picture but I won't be able to move. I'll be screaming but there will be no sound. Nobody will notice. I'll seem to be the happy-go-lucky girl. The one who gets through everything, and the one who never gets upset.
After all, that is who I am, right?
--Out.
Today was good. In a weird way of course. I fucked her up - mentally. I didn't mean too. She pressured me into it though. I couldn't say no, even if I had wanted too, which half of me did and half of me didn't. But then one side gace in and the other remained for the rest of the day - until now.
She's going to totally hate me soon. She's not going to talk to me and the group will split and it will be all my fault. I'm sorry that it wasn't working for me, ok? And I can see it now... in the next few months, my life is going to crash around me. I'm going to be in the picture but I won't be able to move. I'll be screaming but there will be no sound. Nobody will notice. I'll seem to be the happy-go-lucky girl. The one who gets through everything, and the one who never gets upset.
After all, that is who I am, right?
--Out.
Tuesday, 21 April 2009
What a Day
End of an era I guess. I think I've done the right thing. Only time will tell I suppose, but if time tells me that it wasn't the right thing to do, there won't be a great deal that I can do really. I'm so confused, one side of me misses her, but the other side is telling me to be strong, reminding me why I made the decision that I did.
But she doesn't see it like that. My best friend and my girlfriend, possibly both lost all at the same time. We had great times, but things were just getting to be too much for me. I had to do what I think is right for me, not me and her, not just her. But she was so upset. It's hard to be there as a friend when the girlfriend side of you is the one that's made them upset. It will work out though, we didn't end on bad terms, and I'm determined not to lose her altogether. She's too special to me.
I hope she understands that. I tried my best to get it through to her but I'm not sure if it worked. Best pray she does know, or that she reads this. Either or I suppose.
--Out.
But she doesn't see it like that. My best friend and my girlfriend, possibly both lost all at the same time. We had great times, but things were just getting to be too much for me. I had to do what I think is right for me, not me and her, not just her. But she was so upset. It's hard to be there as a friend when the girlfriend side of you is the one that's made them upset. It will work out though, we didn't end on bad terms, and I'm determined not to lose her altogether. She's too special to me.
I hope she understands that. I tried my best to get it through to her but I'm not sure if it worked. Best pray she does know, or that she reads this. Either or I suppose.
--Out.
Monday, 20 April 2009
Thoughts
I hate it when you are stuck with a dilemma that, whichever way you chose, you probably still won't be totally happy. That's when you know something has gone wrong along the line. Things could probably be patched up, but they wouldn't be the same. But if things were abandoned, they would never have the chance of being the same. So then you have to ask yourself this:
"As much as we have to make one another happy, we have too look to our selves. We have to ask what we need, then what we want, and then what we desire. If we lead our life by desire then we can't need. What we need is what makes us happy, some look for money, some look for friendship, some look for love. You have to look beyond where we stand, we need hindesight for foresight. With this foresight we can see what we need, therefore understanding ourselves and others". - Annonymous.
Life's a funny thing. And although I must admit, not all of that above quote made sense to me at the time, it's slowly beginning too. But it's not easy to follow, which is why I hate dilemmas. They really do suck. They suck monkey's bollocks - to put it nicely.
So, here's the thing. What happens if you don't know what you want, or need, or desire? What happens if you don't know what you're looking for? What happens if you don't even know if you are looking, or if you are happy and content with what you have? And most of all, HOW are we supposed to know any of these things?
Quite frankly, I think this life is a piss take.
--Out xx
"As much as we have to make one another happy, we have too look to our selves. We have to ask what we need, then what we want, and then what we desire. If we lead our life by desire then we can't need. What we need is what makes us happy, some look for money, some look for friendship, some look for love. You have to look beyond where we stand, we need hindesight for foresight. With this foresight we can see what we need, therefore understanding ourselves and others". - Annonymous.
Life's a funny thing. And although I must admit, not all of that above quote made sense to me at the time, it's slowly beginning too. But it's not easy to follow, which is why I hate dilemmas. They really do suck. They suck monkey's bollocks - to put it nicely.
So, here's the thing. What happens if you don't know what you want, or need, or desire? What happens if you don't know what you're looking for? What happens if you don't even know if you are looking, or if you are happy and content with what you have? And most of all, HOW are we supposed to know any of these things?
Quite frankly, I think this life is a piss take.
--Out xx
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