This information overload is overwhelming.
No one is saying a word, only telling me what I should do to stay alone.
Telling me what sort of thoughts I should have to allow myself to get rid of every feeling, just so that I can be sure of what I felt or feel.
Does that make sense?
I feel like an autistic kid... Feeling as if she's taking in too much information at one time and the mind can't process everything.
And my heart feels like it's going to explode.
Sometimes I feel like there's a scream on the verge of escaping, but it's just parked in my throat.
Thank goodness it's not trying to claw its way out.
I want to get away from school, from home, from anybody.
Home seems to feel like torture in isolation...
I feel like crashing my head against something sometimes.
I feel like I need a fix... NOW.
Because I know the drug gets me to calm down for a little while.
And for that little while, my mind doesn't think of anything. And for that teensy little while, I feel like everything's fine. Nothing is wrong. There's no studies, no one, nothing. Absolutely nothing. And that peace that I've been longing for so long... is just one stick away. It harms my health I know that, and people tell me that trying to get rid of all all this shit I feel is not worth harming my health. They're probably right. But it keeps me sane. It keeps me from thinking about things I shouldn't be thinking about. Like they said, get rid of a bad habit with a new one.
I should.
Fuck this. It makes me sound like it was a habit. Just a habit gone wrong. Bus ride home, playlist just started playing that goddamn soundtrack. It's ridiculous... even the idea of it. Watching a romance comedy with someone you're cheating with, and then asking your girlfriend to watch it. Is that disgusting or what? Yes yes, I'm a defender of all things original and unique. And I try not to repeat the same things with subsequent boyfriends, because I know how it feels when they do something to someone else with you knowing that they did the same things to you before. It makes you feel like shit. I wonder if I should make a book for you with all the lovey-dovey shit in it. I wonder if I should make a mix CD of all of my favorite songs.
I told myself I should stop thinking about all this. It worked in school. But the moment I saw you walking home, everything just came rushing back. Everything. I came downstairs because I was getting very distracted with the others upstairs. Thought I could get better concentration, at least with the teensy dose of your presence there. Oh well you were going home. I thought, "oh, coincidence." Sat down, tried to start working. Managed to annotate a couple of lines. Then bam, you had to come back and take your gym bag because you somehow conveniently left it there. Concentration then just started deteriorating.
2 months. It's 2 months. "Oh you'll get over it in 6 months or less." 6 months or less?? Are you fucking kidding me? Then again, I've gotten over people quickly before... But this is different. This is... very different.
Fuck.
Sigh... Whatever. Got all my thoughts out for the day... this should clear my mind enough for about 2 hours to get my essay done.
I don't want to go anywhere today. I just want to do work. No tuition. No church please. Nothing. Just... nothing. I don't want to see people. Coz if I see them, I can't trust myself to shut up. The eyeliner is just me setting a boundary for myself so that I won't cry again. Never cried that hard for a long time... A seriously long time... To the point where I couldn't talk, my body was shuddering as I just sat there with my head over the table. I was probably making the most noise in the library with my sobs. And the friend so bewildered and confused, kept calling my name and rubbing my back, or nudging my arm. Held my breath for 3 seconds before I lifted my head. First time he's seen me in such a mess. I was one hell of a mess alright.
There's so much fucking drama in this school. Not just about relationships either. There's the backstabbing, the bitching about someone else, jealousy, unheard feelings of love. It's sad to watch all of this from the sidelines. Especially when I'm hearing this from people close to me. And when I take a step back to see where I am, I just feel so fucking pissed at myself for falling for everything. If I were to look at my own relationship in a 3rd person point of view, (since a friend had drawn out a time-line of my relationship), I'd tell myself, "WHAT ARE YOU STILL HERE FOR? He just used every trick in the book on you. Can't you see that?? The evolution of the manipulation. He's carrying out inception on you!! And it's also 3 fucking layers!!"
Wow. You can imagine the self-revelation right there. I felt like I was out of my body. I felt the anger and hatred coming back right there and then. If I were my close friend, I'd tell myself, "just get over it. He's not worth it. He's just doing everything he can to get you back so that he has someone to chill out with in the next 2 months. But after 2 months, he's just going to chuck you aside again like he did last time. He's afraid of commitment, he doesn't want it, and he can't do it either. He tells you he does, but he doesn't. Sure you both agree it won't last forever, but seriously? Think about it. You're both most likely going to separate colleges anyway. Come on. What's the point in carrying on? You said so yourself that after you've broken up, you're hanging out more with your other friends, spending more time with them and getting to know them, and letting them know you. Why dwell on ONE relationship when you can form SO MANY MORE? Yes you miss him so much. You say you still love him and you really really really miss him, not as a physical lover, but as a friend as well. Well, these feelings are temporary. And you WILL get over it. You just have to give it time. But at the moment, go out, have fun with your friends, laugh, smile, do crazy shit together that you couldn't do when you were attached. You're young, you can still survive by yourself. If you're not going to marry him, and he doesn't want to marry you, then what's the point in wasting your life on him? Right? Keep your eyes open. Someone better will come along. Someone who KNOWS how to RESPECT YOU, someone who KNOWS how to TREAT YOU. YOU specifically. If he really really knew you, he'd have told you about that girl a long time ago. He'd have known how you were going to react. You don't deserve a guy who needs two girls (or more) to satisfy his emotional and physical needs. You don't deserve a guy who can't keep this dick in his pants. You don't deserve a guy who won't accept you for WHO YOU REALLY ARE, and keep asking you to change just because he's done so much for you. If he doesn't accept you, remind him that he sang 'Just The Way You Are' to you. He was selfish the way he treated you, and you have the right to be selfish for once, and for your own good. He can still think that he has the right to get angry with you? It's natural you're afraid to trust him. Your fear is derived from his own actions. If he wants to get angry, he should get angry at himself. He's forgotten that it's already generous of you to let him talk to you in school. That action itself is already causing people to talk and criticize her for being nice. I understand that you want to give him a second chance. You are not the type to bear grudges on someone forever just because they've given you shit like this, especially in relationships. You know why? Because your mother told you so. Your mother told you that she tells you that you're still young, there's no need to hate someone like this. She has seen how you treated Christopher despite the fact that he broke your heart and STILL ignored you for the next year and even more. You ignored his ignorance, and still made the effort to be friends with him. You know you want the same for Richard. But in this case, you're Christopher if you continue to ignore him. It's okay to be friends with him. I know you want to. You can, and you will. But to be something more than that is going to take A LOT more out of you. Are you ready to take it all out? Are you ready to risk everything? Right now, he's definitely succeeding at making you feel guilty for something you HAVE the right to do: ruin him. He ruined you in the beginning by not telling you about his past and having people criticize you since the beginning. You wanted to break up with him at the start, but you were afraid too. You were afraid of him, and you didn't have the strength. But I'm glad you stayed, because if you hadn't, you wouldn't have gotten in touch with your feminine side. You wouldn't be who you are now. You wouldn't be this strong. People expected you to be a basket-case and sob your eyes out the day you broke up with him, or within the next 3 days after that. But you didn't. It was a whole week before you finally snapped. This totally proves that you're strong. Richard wanted you to come out stronger, and you did. You showed it. You proved it. And if you hadn't kept it up with Richard, you wouldn't have tried out the things you've always wanted to do. He let you free. He set you free. And now all you're doing is tie yourself down with all these worries. And as much as the relationship has been affecting your attitude in class, and your approach/organization to work, this after-effect is making it worse. You're stressing yourself out more. He's probably not in THIS much shit, and I know you still can't trust that Korean girl, or him. She said she won't say a word to him and trusts that you do the same. Then you both agree to let him know, but she still says that she won't talk to him. Remember how you felt when he told you that she called him up to ask him why you were contacting her? DESPITE THE FACT that she said goodbye to him and think that they SHOULD NOT TALK ANYMORE. If you get back to him, tell her off, and delete her off everything. And I mean everything. Lovely, you don't need a boy who is unfaithful to you when he says that the possibility of it happening is only in a WORST CASE SCENARIO. (He probably forgot that he said all that to you last year in his attempt to calm you down about the possibility of him cheating on you.) And you don't need a boy who has a girl on his tail who just doesn't know how to control her fucking actions. She says she didn't mean to take him away from you? But well, that's what she clearly did. She had him in the palm of her hands, giving him promises of a summer together and being a "good couple," or telling people that "I'm pretty set on Richard." But perhaps, one day you could ask your mother if that unfaithful worm should be given a second chance. You know you want to, and it's natural and OKAY to feel scared. Don't let him make you think otherwise. If he knows you THAT well, he should understand what the hell you're going through if he keeps pushing you to take him back. And don't forget, keep praying. Trust Him to help you. You know He will."
Wow.... that was some verbal diarrhea... Didn't think I'd write so much but the things kept coming. Things I'd say to myself, mixed with some things people tell me, but mostly stuff I thought of on the spot. Mmm... and yet I still can't make up my mind despite all this. Sigh. I can't think straight. At all. Especially with the stupid questions I've been asking people. Good God, help me.
