dying dying

im in agony, because i have been walking towards the wrong direction for all the time!!


confused. fuck! disengaged............


relationships!! trinity trinity trinity. bro. d!




help 9:46 PM

Study hard, cos i want to be answerable to myself, that i have spent my time wisely.

But it isnt all. If getting top grades make me really happy, the happiest day of my life shd be when i got my A lvls grades. But it isnt, at all.

I will just keep going, so that i can keep discovering.. what really makes me.

I don want first class honors.

I just want to see how best i can be. Or.. how much i want to be.

This journey is tough, bcos i have to smile through it.

Don want to make the fatal mistake of suffering through the journey to lead me to the destination.

Whats really impt?

The 4 of us, the 4 of them. The Trinity. FDD. 2641.

The Past Maketh Me!

trinity trinity. im really sorry.

i think i like too much.... im just like a willful kid.
it wont cross-over to love right??? if not i will really laugh my head off.

oh yeah, i forgot. on whats really impt, including the someone who has yet to appear, or forever wont appear? ..

well, the up there knows. 11:42 PM

REJECTED.

nvm

nx yr i will get it

and i own them, lots, forever.


and only aft mj death, tht i starting learning about his songs and moves. haiii.

"you are not alone" "childhood"

total randomness. heh 12:25 AM

On Technology, Materialism & Change

Technology
Only now, when i am out of the school boundaries, that i experience the impact of technology. Kindda slow... If this realization has come sooner, probably i would have written a better GP essay? haha.

Technology has revolutionized the landscape of our environment. Because the way we lived has changed, and so does our values system. Even if it hasnt, we find ourselves confronted from other beliefs- are some of the values we hold the BEST one, the RIGHT one ? But to undergo the "confrontation" process, which is also in my opinion, the process of knowing yourself (self actualization), you have to be open-minded. For eg, one can have their own religion, but also have to understand a little of what other religion is all about.

"Hear all the voices and choose your own": only after you know all the values/choices/voices out there, and undergo the process of decision making of which values/choices/values that your heart seeks to align to, then will you know your true self - an EDUCATED True Self. Not an IGNORANT True Self.

So how does technology come into this decision making process? Technology offers a very effective platform that enable us to get expose to the many ideas and voices around. The internet, more specifically, youtube & wiki. One can literally find WHATEVER they want. If they have an idea, probably someone out there miles apart also have a similar idea, and get it posted/videoed.

U know usually i jus go youtube to watch my idol dramas. Never really go to search for other things else. But there are tons of both jewels and rubbish inside. The ones in my prev entries are some gd ones, but there are some that will make you REALLY puke. I once saw a video on animal cruelty. Pitiful.. Most will hate the ppl who has done those acts to the animals. But think about it, are they BORN bad? Or is it the env tht changed them? Do they have the luxury of choice?

Another interesting video is called "2girls1cup". Someone in office told me to go watch. It sounded quite sexual isnt it? But honestly, it is more disgusting. Well, i watched only glimpses of it through the holes of my fingers. But knowing whats the video is all about by wiki-ing b4 goggling to find the link, i was more well prep to face the shit, literally. It is related to REAL shit, anyways..

The amt of info available is massive... overload! Perhaps the process of going to find the info is a confrontation process too...

Materialism
With technology, there comes many gadgets inventions. I first gt my Nokia 8250 in pri 5. I was so fascinated by the design then - blue light wor! But now, kids are getting their phone like in.. p1?? And the models they want is not much different to the models that some adults are holding.

With all the alluring designs coming up, how can one not be tempted, ie become more materialistic? So yeah.. i am actually yearning for an iphone now! just waiting for the prices to drop with the arrival of iphone 3G S. tsktsk...

just 2.5 yrs old whn Os jus ended, i gt my own first personal laptop, compaq presario v3000 on which i am typing on it now. The specs are like 1.83Ghz and 512Mb RAM. And now i am totally subdue by the NEW Macbook Pro 13 inch, that is 2.26Ghz and 2Gb RAM! just waiting for nus matriculation fair b4 i make the shift to becoming an APPLE fan.

Tech changes and things become obsolete. When this is a massive world trend, how to resist materialism? yeah we are putting small fights along the way, but also giving in ev now and then whenever we see that fascinating gadget or pretty clothes.. But at least, we are combating! Dont stop! :)


Change
The only constant in life is change, and technology just exacerbate the process.This topic of Change was discussed with G and K last wk. Btw they keep making fun of me of my wanting for "Love Epicness". hahaha. yeah man im the Epic Girl! xD

I told them i don want to change... bcos i DON WANT ppl to feel i am becoming distant to them. but just because I DON WANT, it doesnt mean it wont happen. And G was telling me wake up man... Yeah i have recv alot of reality wake up calls in this short stint, in both kind and nasty ways. I have got to ACCEPT the fact the I WILL CHANGE. Circumstances in life will make me change... If it is changes for the better, thats gd. If it is changes for the bad, hmmmm... But who is to determine whats right whats wrong? (rmb the earlier on discussion on Confrontation Process)

my belief is this,
if i changed, i will stay true to myself.


but, what is our true self?

and this takes an entire lifetime to find out.

Among many other things, living is about understanding and finding your unique self. you are unique because only you will have access to your own mind.



hmmmm this entry is diff right? hahhaha. u can say is influence by the company, but ultimately, it is me who made the CHOICE, and make that my VOICE. =) 12:21 AM

lazy.. sorry!

yeah crazy overr him now! xD




quoted: Maybe human relationships are like water: some erode a part of you away like the upper course river, some deposit some goodness in you, but all come and go in a cyclical manner. Maybe human relationships are even more transient: like the wind the comes and goes unpredictably and no one can tell when it will return.

i wish i can have some sort of deep thoughts like this.... maybe i can, but im jus too lazy to think. or jus afraid of thinking in the face of complexity.

my internship is extended btw. i do nd a break b4 uni..but i don like to bid adieu. its hard for me to move on in life. sorry i got too much inertia. hahaha.

hope ev1 is doin fine =) a trainer made me realized that my life is so lack of experience. beside mugging and slogging out for sch based activities, i don seem to have time for other things, be it relationships, adventures, clubbing whatever. yeahhh emptiness.

well i knw it all along. all along.... but nvm! i will add more colors to it.. and may the painter arrive soon too.. pls! haha =D 9:53 PM