happiness

A friend asked a question online today: Are you happy, cam?

Honestly? I don't know. I started by asking myself what makes me happy to start with:
- Family? A few months here and I've realised all the more that we're all leading different lives and have different interests. There's not much bond so to speak. As terrible as it is to say, my family's company doesn't make me THAT happy at times. I don't think we enjoy each other's company that much.
- Work? I am enjoying my job, as much as I whinge about it, but I don't think I derive a great amount of happiness from it. Enjoyment yes. True happiness, unsure.
- Friends? Am ok with them. Mostly we're too busy to spend time with each other. And the friendships in singapore aren't quite the same as the ones in sydney. I've realised that what makes the sydney friends different is that even though we may be leading totally different lives, and have not that much in common on paper, it's just the pure enjoyment of each other's company that keeps the friendship going.
- Faith? Not at my strongest time at the moment. Still struggling to sense His purpose for me here in singapore, and in life in general.

So yes, am in a bit of a questioning phase nowadays... especially after a day of lazing around :)

1 year ago...

I like reminiscing about how much change 1 year can bring. 1 year ago around this time, I was just finishing up my time in NZ, after having done so many awesome things and experiencing (almost) the best NZ could offer. The country lifestyle, the national parks, the great outdoors.

Now, 1 year on, life is mostly about work, staying in the great indoors, catching a glimpse of sun once in awhile on my days off, trying to have a social life occasionally. It is constantly tiring, and I would trade some of it for a more relaxed life, but where else could I have seen and done so much stuff in 4 months!

So work has been interesting, just to recap the surgeries I've done so far- the usual castrations, 1 cystotomy (ah that's an interesting story in itself), 2 caesareans, managed to do a gastroscope a couple of days back (well mainly to look at the esophagus but there wasn't much of a choice cos there wasn't anyone else who knew how to use the machine!), partially did a gastrotomy/enterotomy (as in, my boss was helping/did the tricky bits) on a dog who ate a stocking, don't remember the rest but each day in itself is indeed challenging and I'm learning heaps (if my brain worked a bit better), have nice collegues and yeah... what's keeping me sane are the tourists from overseas to bring around and show singapore too cos gosh that really helps to keep my balance if not life would be all about work.

In more exciting news...
Phuket (again!) in 3 days!!! With the family this time rather than a bunch of friends but I'm looking very much forward to the intense relaxation and bumming by the beach/pool and just... taking a breather :) :)

life outside work

Bit hard to have a life outside work sometimes but this is what I've managed to squeeze in for the past couple of months!
I think this was first? Going cable skiingn Batam with mj, matt and a couple of others. Alot of fun and a whole day of trying out new things! Sure isn't as easy as it looks! Can't say that I managed to ski but at least we tried eh? This shot is of mj and I being inspired by 3 locals who managed to squeeze onto ONE board and ride around the whole ring. So we thought we'd try and I think this was just as we got into the water and just before I fell off!

Then I think Howee and her cousins were in town so that took up a few good nights of hanging out and just enjoying singapore's night life in general. Funtimes indeed too cos it was good company :) This is us thwarting howee's attempts to take a decent photo ;)

Then Irina and Eunice came to town and we went out to East Coast for a seafood feast of great proportions... and still had space for Udders durian/lychee martini/green tea and 3 other flavoured ice creams!

Then it was CNY and with that came visit long lost relatives, collecting angpows, eating and more eating. Got a nice dress from Haji Lane and was very yellow that year but looking through the photos... I don't think it was a particularly flattering dress sigh.

CNY is never complete without reunion dinners and lunches and more dinners and lunches. I think I'll have to start learning how to cook these dishes as once grandma's maid doesn't cook them anymore... who will?
The festivities continued with friends coming over to my place for the first time/first time in many years! Lots of posing with cameras and some food eaten (cos we only did a modest sushi/curry chicken type meal) and some board game played after. If only we didn't live so far away!

CNY ended with a company dinner at a chinese restaurant which ended with multiple photos being taken (particularly with the departing caucasian vet and young new male grad hahahaha)

And over the past weekend we had a vet dinner/hangout at Villa Bali... conversation that night revolved around work, dirty jokes and suicide for some strange reason.


Sunday night saw another ex-BS gathering at J&Y's new place! Playing the wii till wee hours of the night, many people nearly hit 1. the tv, 2. the ceiling lamp or 3. everyone else in their over enthusiastic attempts to beat the other at boxing/tennis/bowling/golf.

2 nights ago was ZY's birthday so we went to Prof Brawn's cafe to have a good meal of sausage&rosti, choc cake (on the house!) and... that's it!

So life hasn't been all that bad. I just wished I had another purpose of coming back to singapore for, like some ministry to serve in or some volunteer work to help out with. I need a new activity whether it be volunteer work, a new hobby, a new sport, so that I feel like I'm doing more in life than just work!

not the best day of work.

My first not so fantastic day at work happened yesterday.

First, it was the last of 4 straight days of finishing at 10pm everyday. I was hoping it wouldn't be the same as I'd dad's birthday dinner at night to go to!

Then it was being told (in a raised voice) by the boss that "after 2 months we should know where everything is kept and that we only have 1 syringe pump" etc etc. At least it was to both me and the other new grad but still it was in front of everyone. That part was ok to deal with.

Then it was admitting a cat that I didn't know what was wrong with and didn't really have time to figure out why.

Followed by a short break which I thought I could get lunch and solve my cat's problem only to be asked my reception to deal with a difficult customer. The next half an hour consisted of him trying to explain to me why a) he just wants the medications and not to bring his dog in as b) his wife would rather see the dog put down than for him to spend medications on it and they have a whole family issue thing going on, c) of COURSE he can't do a food trial (the dog had skin problems) as he has 4 other dogs in the house and they all get fed together and feeding her separately is just not an option and d) it didn't matter that we hadn't seen the dog in 2 years and she'd been on and off steroids for that whole period and longer. It was just frustrating and annoying and he wasn't yelling at me but I was just upset after and I'm not even an emotional person to begin with!

And then I had to quickly grab lunch before scrubbing in for surgery but due to shedding a few tears from the above incident plus post prandial I was completely restless and falling asleep and I just hate it when I do that! The surgery also lasted for ages and my parents were waiting outside so I had to go straight for dinner and come back later to finish my treatment sheets.

Which saw me at work till past midnight and then today I find out my cat died. And I was going down the wrong path with my lack of diagnosis anyway cos I wasn't really getting anywhere with my problem solving approach at midnight last night.

Gahhhhh...

That aside, dinner was nice. Lots of good food and the family actually got along well for a bit. Smartarse me was in such a rush to leave work that I didn't bring my wallet and so mum had to pay for dinner with dad's money.

Till next time.

work whinge again

It's been 2 months since I've started working and gosh it feels like a lifetime! I know most of my posts nowadays are about work but it's pretty much the one thing I spend most of my time on! However instead of feeling like I'm slowly getting the hang of it I feel as though the amount I know is simply inadequate.

I don't know why but it's just been creeping up on me the past couple of days that I really don't know enough and I'm fudging my way through some of the cases. When I listen to myself talk sometimes I don't even trust myself to be sure of what I'm saying! I feel like a fraud who will be exposed any moment to really not know anything at all and keeps making stuff up.

Sigh I don't know how long this feeling is going to last for. Perhaps forever cos as gwen said "the more you know, the more you discover you don't know". If the pieces of the puzzle don't click very soon in my head I'm going to be in trouble!

Having short chats with the guys in sydney was nice :) Plus with the webcam working it just made them feel not so distant :)

Has it really only been 7 weeks since I've been back and started working? Feels like forever. Feels like a good break is needed... but won't be gotten for awhile more. Must keep ploughing on! Make full use of my youth whilst it's still around.

sunday morning thoughts

I woke up this morning and started missing my sydney friends again :( Maybe it was due to the unexpected phone calls received last night at work from Darren, and being able to talk to Mark and Rob again. Highlight of my day :) Pity I only got the call so late (as they'd been trying to call from 2 hours before) and only got to chat with them for a short while that was worth every second. Don't know when I'll see these guys again... don't know when I'll talk to them and hang out with them and be a constant part of their lives anymore.

Work does that to you I guess. Takes up most of your life, exhuasting you until weekdays turn into weekends and there isn't a distinction between the two. And the days you do get off are filled with errands that have to be done on that day (or else it'd have to wait another few days), so off you go, early in the morning to wherever, and since you don't want to waste the lovely day that you have free, you spend the whole day out and come back just as tired as if you'd just gone to work.

My day starts at... anytime between 6-7am, then it's a short 15min jog or some time doing bible study homework, then a 45min bus ride to work itself in peak hour traffic (I get a seat most of the times halfway through the journey), then at least 10 hours at work, emerging when the sun has gone down and it's pitch black (I'm always amazed when I come out from work and it's actually... bright!), either going out for dinner or making the 45min journey back, having dinner and crashing in bed an hour later (despite the intention of doing stuff before actually sleeping), waking up the next day and repeating the cycle.

Work isn't bad... in fact it's been very good and I've learnt alot and done alot of things and the learning curve has been great but it's just so tiring! Don't know if I should be exercising more regularly to build up my stamina, getting more rest (but isn't 7hrs of sleep quite enough?), or... that's about it since cutting back on committments isn't quite an issue (I'm at a seemingly happy stage of life where I have very few committments right now).

Which is the main thing now though, as all my friends have tons of committments so there's effectively no one whose house I can go to and chill after work over tv and nibbles at night, people I can just ask to go out to the beach to chill for a day during my off days, people I can bake with just because we both like baking, no one I can ask out for a movie without feeling bad that I'm cutting into their free/study time, etc etc... Maybe it's just this phase of life. I have to throw myself into work and get the most out of these few years so I have a good foundation to be a good vet later on. And the rest of the time should be devoted to what matters- renewing my relationship with God and spending time with my family.

After all, the above are what I made the choice to come back to Singapore for, right?

work

Kinda everything I anticipated but more. I expected myself to know where things were, but I still hesitate at times. I expected myself to have more knowledge in general but after 3 months of holidays my brain is slowly getting back into the swing of things. Maybe I just expected more out of myself and I'm not impressing anyone at the moment.

Lacking confidence and experience? Definately. And I haven't even started consults yet! I keep telling myself "it's ok, it's only your first week at work" and yet... how long more can I keep saying that before the boss goes "geez you really should know this by now".

Other than the exhuasting 10-12hr workdays (and I'm usually the first vet to leave), steep learning curve, tons of cases that I can't even remember the details of (but the vets seem to very well) and keep up to date with

Sleep beckons!

2009 reflections

2009 was such a big year in so many ways with so many changes.

For one, I never expected to be sitting at home in Singapore typing this out. One year ago I'd never even contemplate coming back. It just shows how things change in 1 year...

I guess all that moving around just made me crave to be in one place for some time. Singapore offered a stable home, loving parents, some remaining friends and a job(!).

I calculated the other day that in 2009 I'd have taken 14 plane flights to various places. That's massive! Looking back all I really remember is the blur of moving houses every month (or so), unpacking and repacking my luggage in between, meeting lots of new people and craving the company of the old, saying goodbye and hello again many times, cramming my weekends with social activities as that'd be the only time I'd see people, loving everything I learnt as a vet... and that pretty much sums it up! The great thing about 2009 was its lack of attachments- that meant I was able to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, and to take hold of various opportunities that came my way, which resulted in tons of new experiences that might not have been possible otherwise. With that freedom came the flipside that I started living life for myself, which I've to slowly reverse.

So what does 2010 have in store for me? I guess it's adjusting back to the Singaporean way of life. I feel so far removed from the culture here and if I've to deal with clients daily then I'd better get into it again! Making new friends would be good as the ones I have now are fantastic, but they're busy, and it never hurts to widen your social circle. Travel! The one major plus about being in Singapore is it close proximity to everything else! 18 days annual leave I'd better plan it well :)

I'm not a person who usually makes resolutions but here are a couple of things I'd like to accomplish by the end of the year.
- Renew my relationship with God and placing Him as #1 in my life.
- Pray more for others.
- Pick up a new skill/hobby- leaning towards something musical at the moment but am open to anything really.
- Have some sort of a semblance of a healthy lifestyle (including regular exercise and eating well)
- Work hard and do my best for my job- it's one of the main reasons why I came back so it'd be nice to give it my all.
- Keep in contact with my Sydney friends but also consciously make more Singaporean friends.

So here's to a new year and a new chapter of my life!

the goodbyes have started...

Life has just been about catching up with people and packing my stuff to be shipped back mostly. Sometimes stressful most times fun. Mark jacq ange and I did the Spit to Manly walk yesterday- 4+ hours but with good company, hot weather, beautiful scenary and B&J ice cream at the end to tempt you it was worth it :)


Dinner with a bunch at Hurricane's at night was a good way to end off the night. The Darling Harbour restaurant isn't as good as the Bondi one but the company was good.



Had my first teary moment yesterday when I was saying goodbye to jz's grandma- no idea when I'll ever see her again, or the whole family for that matter. She was the one who did most of the "taking care" of me this year and for that I'm very thankful.


Fortunately I had dinner with yenz to look forward to so I wasn't wallowing in misery the whole night. We went to Badde Manors (a vegetarian place in Glebe) and did a year's worth of catching up. Was sad to say goodbye to her too as she's pretty much the person I've known the longest in Sydney- we've seen each other through our high school days, uni days, and now into the working days. Wish we could've caught up more this year if I'd known I was leaving!