I am nothing

Times when I felt extremely low. 
----------------------------------

I have hurt every person I have ever touched. I have even ruined some people’s lives. I have never been able to bring a positive change in anyone that has ever been associated with me. It’s not that I have done it on purpose but it always turned out to be the case, even if I had the best of intentions for someone. No one has been ever happy with me; relatives, friends, siblings, parents, not even the love of my life, nobody. I never tried enough and when I did, it was either too late or I coudn't make a good impact on the lives of the ones who loved me. May be, I am a selfish being who thinks that people around him will get happy with the things that please him only. And in that process, I made mistakes; mistakes that were inevitable, the ones that you cannot escape from. The blunders I made, haunt not only me but the very life of others who trusted or loved me.

If I go by the average human age, I am half way through my life. I have made so many mistakes and committed so many sins. I am tired now. I cannot find any purpose in living. I cannot live life to its full. I don’t want to live any more. The cloud of despair and disappointment has shadowed every ray of hope and faith inside me. I’m all dark, all so dark. I know I am moving to the end with nothing in my hands. All the springs, storms and winters of my life have swept away my existence pieces by pieces like dry leaves. I have no one else to blame. It’s me who did it and doing it. All the shame, guilt and regret I confront each day has made me nothing less than a life-less object placed around the corner.

I am left with nothing to prove, nothing to keep and nothing to give. I am nothing.

I'll keep the promises I never made

Living my curse night and day,
I’m left alone, stranded in the way

Memories haunt me, I can’t deny,
forgetting you is hard, but I try

Never thought what life could bring,
Pain so much for heart to carry in

Faith has crushed, aims no more,
I kept walking with soul so sore

I know what you feel, I do know it all.
When it mattered the most, I didn't answer your call

Words that never been said, secrets that never been told,
A grudge so well kept, and yes I wasn't that bold

I tried my best to keep, the remorse that was inside,

But couldn’t bear the agony, which you were trying to hide

By the time you knew the truth,

There was nothing left at all

No cheers, smiles or laughs

Just tears to drop and fall

And now you might think, I may have no clue,

What you really had, and been going through

As if I never really cared

No time for you to be spared

But what if I tell you, I can count, the cold sighs you alone take

The tears that remained in eyes, the heartbeats for life's sake

But how would you ever know

You can never touch your shadow

You don't ever say it, but I always know

The pain through a heart, your gloomy eyes show

I know I've told you, but you can’t ever leave

The thought of you with me, is all I can believe

Strange it may sound, but few hopes refuse to die

Some dreams still live, though my days have gone by

And now I won't let you lose, the life you sure deserve

The woe of losing you once, is enough for me to preserve

I wish you never have, the tears but of joy

You get the best in life, when you do or don't try

I wish your eyes so beautiful; never ask the question "why?"

They sparkle with hope again, and know not how to cry 

I wish you never have a thought of me again

The lies I told, deceits and the ways I pretend

I wish this for you and even more

Smiles adorn your face like before

And so I turn to dark and let the memories fade

As I have to keep the promises I never made