The Balance within the world is simply too wide.

Lots of things happened today. As of now, i m putting that msn nick on till I improve. I really feel pathetic and useless. During extra training today, the same symptoms strucked me. The blood rush to the head, blurring of vision and finally accompanied by a splitting headache. Thkfully some1 had a panadol tablet which helped to control the pain. I spent most of the morning resting. Feels so useless and weak.
After which, I had lunch thks to an invitation from a friend. It beens a rather long time since some1 actually calls me out.
The world changes rapidly, so does its inhabitants. I wonder, is my form of thinking way too conventional? Am I not keeping up to the times? Still, I just wanna believe in my values.
I am rather confused and shocked by how drastic changes are.
Well, thanks for the souvenir, although I am unable to read the true intent behind it.

As a lil reminder to myself,
I SHALL SLEEP BEFORE 12AM DAILY IF POSSIBLE.

For the past few wks, I had been slpin at 3am, not from my usual code which I am trying really hard to stick by.
Well, since the start of yesterday, I had been trying to tune back my slping hours. Apparently, I felt adverse effects from the bad slping habit. Once again, I am tormented my giddy spells and mild headaches.
It may sound silly, but I keep reminding myself that I will become a saikyou (strongest) karateka and that I will lead my own path of life, not affected by the influence of others. Hence, starting today, I am gonna set trials for myself. I will force myself to diligently train 3 times a week for karate. It will be my goal to enter a competition next year. I will become stronger, so much stronger that I do not have to cower in the face of adversary.
It doesn't matter whether my existence is not acknowledged or either used for the selfish benefits of others. I will, for once, acknowledge my existence. I really wanna believe that humans are not born with a certain fate but rather, it is up to them who will mould themselves into what they truly want to be. I hate the fact that some people are born with the luck or elements that made them special or superior to others.
Recently, I have been lowly motivated. Probably thks to this recent gloomy holiday spirit. I really felt like a zombie or perhaps half dead. Every day of living seems like a chore. It wasn't filled at all with stuff that I enjoyed doing. But well, thkfully there are some factors in life to be happy about.
Well, nuff said. I shall work towards my goal, no matter how hard it is, I shall work to make up for what's missing and prove myself. I seriously hate to believe that success is partly reliant on human relations. Trials of life, here I come, gritting my teeth.

Argh... Hate myself and the stupid phone. Originally, I had planned to wake up at 9am. But the phone didn't ring or either was too soft. I woke up at 12.47 and thought the test was at 2pm. Then again, I thought and double checked using gprs. Darn... Its 12.50pm. By the time I was at the bus stop, it was 12.57. Hence, I gave it a miss.
Went back up and rebook. Got another darn shock. ITS ONLY AVAILABLE in FEB!!!
I am so sc*ewed... I will have no choice but to skip sch on one day just to take that exam. There goes my chance to drive in luxury next yr...

To top up the stack of misfortunes, I had a splittin headache after training yesterday. Reason? We had to train in crappy red and blue lights. The residue headache can still be experienced in my head now. Its as if some1 is biting the back of my head now, but its definitely not tat Edward C*llen guy. I am also tormented with a bout of minor cold and a dose of depression and self hate.

Hate as in basic driving test, not going for the first sat trainings and for sleeping late. Guess I need to stick to my codes in life. End of rant thks to my splitting headache. Thanks alot, stupid phone.

Back from my short island retreat. opened my mails, checked deadlines...
...
I am really getting stressed up. Anger and anxiety is building up inside of me. I really wanna smash something right now especially some stupid punjab head forgot to send an important email. Now the darn project's delayed by 3-4 wks and the buffer time's all gone.

next wk, I may have to hold sub comm interviews. Somehow, I feel strangled. I seriously need highly motivated people to enter my life...

Pray I don't get sick for the next few days after suffering the sun burns and uneven tan. Argh... I need some control back into my life. This hols aint feeling much like a holiday. There hardly seems anyone decent enough whom I can talk to. It would help if people would show concern to those around them, especially when you got 280 plus contacts, none hardly talks to you out of the blue unless its work related or something which is for their own benefit.

ARGH!!!

Probably some time before I will blog again.

My codes of conduct for these few weeks. Just to remind myself.

1.Sleep before 12am on weekdays
2.Finish darn practicals.
3.Avoid touching a single burger after my 24 beef patties arc.
4.Do not sip my dad's beer whenever he opens a can.
5.Force myself to go for my trainings.
6.Make the chin up bar my good friend, till the point whereby i dun get muscle aches the following day after training.
7.Shall do sensei's special conditioning on alternate days.
8.Scrimp and save, do not eat luxuriously often. Shall reward self with some beef (no burgers!) when it is accomplished weekly.

I need to aim for a perfect gpa of 4. I know it sounds stupid, but I have to put in more effort else uni is definitely light years away. I shall also reduce my belly fat beofre the year ends.

Side note: Do not forget about ITP preparations.

That pink shirt... 2years ago, i wore it as I rushed down to the hospital, only to see her life slowly drain away and coming to its end.
Today, I didn't expect to wear it again after 2years. I always had the hesitation of wearing it as it reminded me of that fateful memory. As I put it on, flashbacks of the past haunted me.
Well, perhaps I wasn't really in the right state of mind today. I spaced out while boarding the bus. I have no idea if I am absolutely thinking too much or so, I kind of accredited the fact that it was due to the shirt that I slipped, fell and scrapped my shin badly against the edge of the bus.
I walked to class, enduring the pain, not noticing that my shin was bleeding badly. It was only couple mins later where I realised my shin felt funny.
Thankfully, I am glad that it was just a scrape, rather than the loss of my feet. To top it off, I am feeling extremely uncomfortable now. Of which, I aint gonna talk too much about why. Hence, I shall sign off while enduring the sting.

Welcome to my blog, the world of emptiness where bits of memories are dumped here to be forgotten. It's really empty as no one cares.

I ate 24 beef patties last wk. 5 megamacs+1 triple kuqi paqi burger+pepperlunch combo= 20+3+1=24

My beef craving is still growing crazily. The world runs on money, with lil money, you can't buy most of the stuff you desire. Even if you had money, you can't really buy people. Ok, although you can buy people, can you truly find those who will stand by you for who you are and not money?
Once, I was told that in order to attain something, you simply have to deposit something of equal value in exchange. To me though, it possibly isn't much of what it seems, i guess...

Its a really crazed world with people of all different personalities. I can't tell the difference between stress and depression. Well, i guess its stress.

I will have to stick to my code. I havent quite been following it. Guess its an offspring of chaos due my negligence. Seems so surrounded, but in the end, who truly sticks around?

Minor update as I havent been bloggin for ages.

White Cream Pasta with Salmon and Mushrooms,

Maki with avocado and unagi and slamon sashimi on top.
Few words. I love mayo. (mayo-maniac alert)

The rules and regulations
1. Each player of this game starts off with 10 weird things/habits/little known facts about yourself.
2. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 10 weird things/habits/little known facts as well as state this rule clearly.
3. At the end, you need to choose 10 people to be tagged and list their names.
4. No tags back !

1. I spend most of my money on food.
2. I like tea.
3. I always think to the worst possible scenario.
4. I get hyperactive when i eat too much sugar.
5. I love the feel of adrenaline, going to the extreme.
6. Going to the extreme is like a double edged sword, I may develop a splitting headache after which.
7. Each time I drink from a tea cup or so (those with handles), my lil pinky will tend to stick out.
8. I love thinking about the impossible and attempting to make them reality.
9. I may not seem to be what I potray.
10. My ultimate ambition is to own cafes where I can slack everyday with money rolling in.

I aint feeling so good right now.
I probably aint born to be loved or to hold some kind of destiny.
Looking back, I see at the repeated failures I had gone through. They probably won't be any turning points and opportunities left to come. I really want something life altering to happen in a positive way, that's why I tried so hard to initiate them. However, they all seem to fail.
Since my birth, I had been hit by something which normal kids dun really have to go through the pain and trauma. Unfortunately, it haunts me with the lines and marks left behind.
As a kid, I had been often weak, frail and sickly. Up to now despite the changes and efforts placed in, I still aint much different.
I don't even know the talents or good points I have now. I am starting to harbor hatred towards humans, for the way they think. What irony, when I myself am nothing less than a lowly mortal.
I really need a breakthrough point. I hate this stupid cycle. I hate telling myself to continously believe and make the impossible happen. I am running out of the energy and drive to continue doing so. I am not exactly a people person whom is well liked by others. Who am I kidding?
Uncle Zi ch once mentioned that some people are born to fufill great things, some simply aren't. I always have the temptation to prove him wrong. If you want something done, you don't wait for it to fall off the sky, u simply have to trigger it off. Bt now, it seems pretty much right. Perhaps the heavens work in mysterious ways to foil it.
I am feeling like an inferno now. My body feels pretty frails, stricken by a congested nose and the building up of heat. However, I sincerely hope that this shell would last for me at least till the end of monday. I really want to get past the grading and pass it.

Vote like never before...
Dunno who the heck sabo-ed me.

http://heygorgeous.mediacorptv.sg/

Oh... I see Cass there too. Vote for her too while u are voting for me.
This feels dirt cheap. self advertisment.
Well, if you are sinking, might as well try to float.

A) People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs. replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.
B) Tag 8 people to do this quiz. those who are tagged cannot refuse. These people must state who they were tagged cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by. Continue this game by sending it to other people.

01. What's the last DVD you watched?
Haven't touched one for ages.

02. What are you wearing at the moment?
Shorts and a white shirt

03. Who is/was your favorite cartoon character?
Tom n Jerry

04. What is your favourite scent?
Smell of flowers

05. What video games are you playing at the moment?
none.

06. What do you drink the most?
green tea

07.Is there a useless thing that you cannot brace yourself to throw out?
Yes. No details as not required by question.

08. Who was your first big crush?

Had crushes. No big ones.
09. What did you want to be when you grew up?
Chef, dentist, it expert.

10. What is your favourite object on your table?
My sweets.

11. Do you have more CDs, DVDs or books?
books.

12. What color do you like the least?
No particular color. Just hate sparkling glaring tones.

13. What do you use more often: TV (includes DVD) or mobile phone?
mobile phone.

14. Is your Hair straight or wavy or afro-esque?
straight

15. What are you afraid of?
blood

16. What's your favourite item of clothing?
shoes

17. What are you into right now?
tea

18. What did you do today?
studied

19. What do you want?
something personal

20. What should you be doing right now?
sleeping

21. What's the meaning behind your LJ username/name/nicknames you go by?
kuroki - dark energy
ietoshi- my chinese name converted thanks to jas
zan tetsu m@ru - iron cutting ring/ball

As a person I do make lousy decisions in life.
Of which ,I had deeply regretted after I stare into the blankness which I face after putting in so much effort and going through 'hell' for.
After recieving a barrage of further disappointments and undergoing lots of pressure, I think I am on the verge of collapsing. Its starting to feel really numb. I don't feel much alive.
I hate project work. Not because of its nature, but the people involved...
Sometimes, I really wish that I have someone whom I can talk to exclusively.
However, such a person is extremely rare.
Perhaps I am overly sensitive. But well, I feel that its really hard to open up now as compared to the past.
Humans do not appear to be what they seem. Despite seeming normal, I just feel as if I am cracking. I am crying within...

I really hate reading blogs... Honest. Each time i read about someone's day, I feel really empty within.

Nothing much happened yesterday, just that I got my finger nearly dislocated after recieving a kick. My finger simply bent outwards as I felt a sharp jolt of pain accumulate at my palm before spreading to the whole arm.

I think I am startin to be a miso maniac.

This morning, I got a pretty nice email to start the day.
Don't wanna talk much about it. Except that it left me depressed for the rest of the day that I don't even have the appetite for dinner.
Yeah. I lost one of the crucial critical turning points of my life. For a moment, it seem like my future looks alot more bleak. From what it seems now, I will have to bank on my last chip, which I had hardly the confidence that it would work for me.
Life is a pretty darn gamble.
That company which turned me down after I went through a grilling interview with two b*stards from a certain Toot poly had a senior within the interviewers who kind of sided with them, thus making me look like some stuttering idiot. Screw that company, I have a totally different perception of them now. They may be hogging the market now, but since the creator is not really in that company now, I got a feeling it will fall in the near future. Once people lose their dependence on the current os.
Thank you to all the idiots who dealt me crushing blows of failure to the point where I am thinking,''Am I truly destined to fail?"
Is turning my life to such a wreck despite me putting in numerous amounts of effort truly your highest form of sadistic euphoric entertainment?
My eyes are pretty much opened now. I am gonna apply what I learnt last year. If something sucks, it pretty much sucks and I should not spend much energy into it.
This time round, whichever I find worthwhile to commit to, I am gonna pump in my energy to the extreme, even to the point of breakdown if I have to. If life still continues to suck despite this continous effort, then there's nothing much I can comment but admit yea, this darn world is completely twisted.

Quiz time! Taken from zanne's blog.

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY
1. Darr ell

2. ie Toshi

3. jia jun

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD
1. Zan tet su maru
2. Kuroki
3.

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF

1. No disability
2. My tongue, to taste all the good stuff in life.
3. My eyes, the colour of the pupils and to see the beautiful stuff in life.


THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON’T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF

1. Lil belly fat?
2. Height?
3. That operation which left a line at my abdomen.

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE
1. Chinese and Singaporean

2. Hainanese with a mix of Cantonese

3. Strangely attracted to some Japanese culture.

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU
1. Blood
2. Veins that go pum pum.
3. Losing my uniqueness.


THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS
1. Computer and the net. (Being connected)
2. Money
3. Handphone


THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING NOW

1. Pants
2. Specs
3. Wearing emotional baggage? Lol


THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS (RIGHT NOW)
note: I will just state the genre. lol
1. jazz and blues
2. Classical
3. Oldies

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE, IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER
1. I have a gf.
2. I love tea.
3. I haven't been sticking to my schedule.

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU

1. Med to long hair.
2. Looks (haha, superficial, while, its the nature of this question)
3. Basic proportions for min entry><


THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES
1. finding random hobbies
2. reading to improve oneself
3. attacking to the extreme, the ecstatic feeling of adrenaline.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW
1. go to somewhere with fantastic food
2. find people whom I can supposingly trust
3. break something

THREE CAREERS YOU’RE CONSIDERING/YOU’VE CONSIDERED
1. Chef
2. Information Security Guru
3. Being a big boss of some empire.


THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION
1. Japan
2. Europe
3. Anywhere else with people I am comfortable with.

THREE NAMES YOU LIKE
1. -
2. -
3. -
Too personal.


THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE
1. Find that special someone
2. Get my empire
3. Make a lasting impact of my existence

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL
1. Sweets?
2. Baking?
3.

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY
1. I do crazy stuff over youth
2. I love the feel of combat.
3. Er hem... (People with really gd imagination can somewhat figure this out)

THREE PEOPLE THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO SEE TAKE THIS QUIZ NOW

1. Forget about 3, any1 who bothers to read...

END OF QUIZ~

Changed the design. Finally did up the pic.
Next, I will have to work on the buttons. (who knows when I will be free?)
I will probably create something to box up the content in.

Other than that, I have no other comments. Most things are best kept within.

My life's probably in a wreckage right now.
I hate lots of things in life.
-Tkd, for some clown is deciding to stop teaching
-Myself, lacking the determination to train
-This filthy crap of a blogskin
-that darn club
-some people around me

If anyone of you is reading this right now, you are either the privileged ones who knows about this new address or either some clown who got 'unauthorised' access. I got a minor breach of privacy 1hour plus ago. I had thus neutralised the traces of the threat and changed the blog link.

I am gonna fade off. I will retire from that club which I created from my bare hands.

I did not inform some people of my new address because I do not want them to link me nor read my content, so please understand that. Of which, some I do not inform of as they would deem this as some pathetic scribblings and that I am of no significance but just a side contact that can be manipulated when needed in life. There is hardly any degree of trust of which I have with most people.

Time reveals the true colours of others.

For any members of tat accursed club of mine. Understand this, I will leave it. My replacement will be in office with effect once the new clubroom is done.

The day has finally arrived.
Sitting on my chair, as I type, I sip my cup of ice cold royal honey choya...
I wonder about my existence...
Every year, around this time, I would be expecting a flood of messages. However, this year is different. The numbers decline as each year follows. Somehow, I got none at the moment. Shows what type of a person I am. HAHAHA...
I got a rotten class this year. Of which, I found out that they would be happily eating mooncakes later, without calling me n 7 others. To heck with it... Not as if I will die without them.
I am still sober as I type. Or rather, I would say that I am drunk by my thoughts.
Yesterday, couple hours ago, I shared a cake along with my dad and god dad. That was a mild happy moment.
Now, I am feeling a bit of a wreck for hours later, I would be wasting a couple hours of my day, with no say as to how I wish to spend it.
I would like to thank the few people who made my day.
Family.
QP (for the early card and salty choc, thanks for the effort!)
Joyce
Hui Ning
Luqman
Ken
n then... no one else as of 1.26am.

My wish for this year? Some things to happen to give my life a lovely twist and a turning point whereby I can feel my worth. I will be placing my bets on hitb and mspp.

Till then... I am going to sip that strong cup of choya slowly till I feel weary.
Haha... My soul and spirit already feels weary enough.

People change... Over the sands of time. Let's put it this way, why do I not associate with that group of people? We are in different leagues now. They forced it upon me. Don't ever expect me to ever try my bend my head and attempt to blend in. My skin aint as thick to do so.

I am probably an old soul in a young body...
Who cares? Pains of youth...

Ignorance is sometimes best.

I hate Sundays...

Just a random thought after linking to a chain of events.
Are the people around me simply failing based on their own abilities or has it got to do with associating with me? Could I have possibly too much high hopes?

Back from camp ytd. Yep, I survived and probably seems as though I had not disappear for the past 4 days.
Well, who cares? The camp was quite a pain too. Don't wanna talk much about it into detail till I get my copy of pics.

What I realised about myself.
-I got a serious case of inferiority complex.
-I think too much and often depress myself.
-I don't have much close friends.
-I desire to crush the strong and arrogant.
-I keep things to myself.
-Am I behaving like my old self? Introverted?
-Maybe not... It just the after effects of speaking and not be heard.
-I hate writing too much for now.

Some1 asked me somehow about the ideal partner. Hmm. Really simple, I got high expectations.
However, 1 possibly almost impossible trait that I expect of is that it would be the first. Haha. Guess I really got wishful thinking. Starting off with one relationship and concluding it with that one.

Way too tired and can't be bothered to write further. I guess I will blog when I am in a better mood.

1wk, few hours left...

War begins in a few hours. I aint slpin as I am supposed to. Wonder if I can survive the next few days.

I am feeling quite empty right now. One may be surrounded by people, bt the heart ans soul is isolated.

Well, I am not gonna care. Gonna be out somewhere and out of communication till late afternoon on fri. My mood's pretty sour about some things...

Aint gonna bother much... Haha... Wonder what the possibilities can ever happen in life. Things should be fine so long as this is not my last post. Till then, I shall disappear from civilisation. SHall blog about what I am about to go through if I have enough materials or feel like it.

yesterday was tr's day.
I went back early to my old sch, hoping to meet some old frens or teachers.
Let's say, things suck.
1.Most teachers no longer around.
2.Most classmates also did not return.

Only 3 teachers recognised and talked to me.
In order, Grandpa's cous, Ms Phua and finally Mr Chen.

Felt like I wasted couple of hours.
My secondary school days arent as fufilling as I think it would be. Especially with the display of events today. Heck it, I aint returning next year. As usual, I experienced isolation once more. The piece that wouldn't fit in. Well, it isn't bad as the current status now.

I hate my current class now. I hate the politics and factions and finally the bloodied isolation. Just read someone's blog and heard of a 'class' trip. Blah! F*ck it. I wasn't even told of it.
I also hate the accumulated stress from my cca. I should probably just close the whole thing. Its foul. The people are foul. So many people who expects to be spoon fed information. How many are truly keen?

Alrite, back on track, after the nasty experience at my old sch, I went home to freshen up before going to sch for an interview.
Interview went well, hopefully I make it into the 2nd round. If I really do make it, its possibly opening part of the doors to a successful future.
After that, I played badminton with Ivan, from 3.30 to 5pm. Met his lecturer mum. Lol, nice lady indeed.
Next, i went home, showered and took a lil snooze until I got irritated by the idiot at home. zzz, everywhere has no peace. I hate wearing fake smiles.
Finally, went for aikido and memorised the 7 ken suburi. Grading syllabus should be settled now.

Well, to conclude. Lets say if I really must be loner despite being around people, I shall then be the unique piece. I had slacked off for way too long, not taking things seriously. Time to tighten the tension and get to work on what I truly am capable of. Even if I am one, I shall not be just a mere one. I shall be elite. This is my resolve.

Back from natsu matsuri.

Had fun eating and met lots of people.
Met Justin at Dover mrt, with the usual 'lets meet at the front carriage trick'. Although he got in a lil late. Lol. Same trick once more for the return trip when he got left behind thanks to chibi-chan's 'lets pang seh every1' mode.
Met Seth, my good bro from my days in Informatics. Darn, I should had gone to the fortune telling which he claims is really accurate.
Kenneth, aka the Zelmer, with his nice $6 pikachu mask...
Wei Long and gf, still going strong... (thanks for showing us the legendary 'testicle' water yoyos)
Zanne (thanks for the crackers), Jas (very easy to find thanks to the floorball stick) and Liu (didn't speak to as often as before thanks to msn).
Saw Karate Senpais Diana and Khu...

Today was the day I spent 30plus and ate lots of rice...
A list of what I spent:
Sushi
Unagi Bento
Curry Rice
Ramune
Tea in a can
Ice Cream
Tofu dessert
Diet cake (urgh...)
2 cups of edamame peas
finally an Asahi beer (ssh... Jit King bought for me, left me feeling a bit woozy)

Note to self:
Always buy Ramunes and candied apples immediately for future natsu matsuris.
Find a way to tie that stupid obi...

To end off, here are some pics.
Posted on the order it was taken.

Here I am, enduring a splitting headache at home with a stupid monkey who thinks she is a princess and can throw an extremely irritating tantrum for all she likes...

Completed Network Security within 30mins, after which I went to print some documents.
Ran around 8 rounds today. Really out did myself. Would like to thank LY for having the determination to run too. Unlike some others, especially one fat ass h*le who told me to f*ck off when I asked him if he wanted to run. Although we are weak, we will train. haha. Swimming next month! However, running's the cause of my splitting headache combined with lack of slp.

Took 2 panadol and ate 1 piece of bread for lunch. Why such a pathetic lunch? I didn't had the appetite. Its no fun sitting at some spot of a foodcourt downing food.

Somehow, I can't sleep with that clown around at home... Guess she's still young, full of idiocy which she has yet to outgrow. My headache is getting worst as I type.

We live in a world full of lies. Whether we choose to believe in them just to console ourselves or so...

As usual, I always have this feeling where I won't fit in... Is it so hard just to ask for some good frens who would stick with you? Life is always like this. I remember having good frens, however, they don't last. After a period of time, they simply find other 'cooler' or better frens and they simply forsake you as if you are some mere acquaintance. I always yearn for the feeling of having an exclusive good fren who would stick by you and who would have lunches and share good and bad times with in person rather than merely chatting online. I guess I am rather a pathetic person. Remove some factors or roles which I play and I am possibly just a nobody and of no particular importance eh?
No choice then. I just have to become stronger. Afterall, if I am meant to be alone, I will just have to learn to survive. Haha...

Probably gonna skip aikido tonight. Its just plain boring as time flies.
I am getting bored. I just wish something positive and life changing will ever happen soon.

I wonder if the key to survive is to change...

Well, couple stuff to change:
1.Get started on 3 times a wk karate training.
2.Cultivate morning runs after the final paper.
3.Strengthen myself mentally.
4.Club changes? (hell no. I rmb saying that I won't touch the club till end of oct.)
5.Possibly my hair.
6.Start being a miser to protect my finances...

Probably gonna run alone at the stadium tml as none of my classmates have the will to run.
Not gonna talk about the 3 who surrounds me for projects. One is all talk, no show.
The other 2 are plain lazy. Wonder if LY wans to run...
Hmm... enough on the lil gritty details. After tml's paper is the long awaited natsu matsuri.
Finally get to wear a yukata and snack (splurge) like its none of my business and meet up with some people.

Geez... Aikido's training gonna be boring for sure. Too many white belts. Therefore equals to more pain and basic techniques... How else boring can it ever get?

Seriously, I kinda hate my current lifestyle now. Well, can't help it if there's no1 else who is similar to me. The single piece that belongs to neither jigsaw...
Just have to grit my teeth and bear through this part of life.

Looking back, each time in my sch life, I would always wish for that phase of life to be over, so I can go up to a new level and not see certain people. It still happens now. Its like I can't wait to graduate out of class. I was happy when I left the clowns from sec1 to 2 by studying hard. Well, I kinda miss the last 2 years of sec sch life. Although there were idiots then, there are still people whom I am close with. There were people who cared.
Oya, lets exclude the stressful part of O lvls then...

Spent a few hrs working on this blogskin.
well, its finally done.
I needed a change, this is probably the first change.
Based on what I learnt. Its best not to think so much.

Hmm... Lately, I feel real creaky. Perhaps due to lack of training.
Just a lil joke in account to ytd's olympics match.
I was doing situps.
A stupid idea came into me.
For each score that CN scores, I will do 10 situps.
Well, I guess for those who know the results, you all should know what happened to me.
Yes, I started this stupid idea from the first match.
Now you can know how disappointed I am at SG...

Currently feeling?
Creaky bones and muscle soreness complete with drowsiness...

Its been decided and possibly proven.
I am leading a wreckage load of a life right now.
Friends, comrades? Far too few nor true to the number of fingers on my hands.

Well, since life's a wreckage and a pain at the moment. I am gonna tweak it to the point whereby I will enjoy it. I am tired of being surrounded by a sea of masks held together with a thin thread of purpose. I will write the way I am supposed to lead my life.

If this unique piece doesn't have a picture that it truly belongs to, then it shall stay as a piece of its own. As of today, I am gonna adopt a new attitude, or possibly an old one which I should had stucked to a long time ago. If something sucks, no point keeping nor wasting any more effort on it.

I doubt the club can stay long enough to survive... Well, I am not gonna care much soon. I am getting too weary. I will just further reinforce the foundations before I give it up.

As of today, as of my resolve, I shall add in more of the spice to make my life more fufillin. I will lead the way I always expected my life to be. Its upgrade time... or possibly a level up!

another quiz. lol

Your view on yourself:

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

The seriousness of your love:

Your views on education

The right job for you:

How do you view success:

What are you most afraid of:

Who is your true self:

Everytime when something goes wrong in a computer, you can simply press the reboot button and you can revert to an earlier restore point where the problem is not present.
However, for life, its a bit hard to do so.
Well, somehow, I get absolutely stressed up to the point of insanity. I hardly got time for my training now thks to the exams.
Come to think of it, I feel like pressing a reboot button. I was wrong of trying to change myself or believing that I could simply mould myself into what I expect myself to be. Go to heck with it... I am tired of wearing a mask of not being my self.
So I am gonna partially revert back to my past self. So the expected changes? I am not gonna say much. Afterall, hardly anyone knows me to a full extent.
I am the piece that wouldn't fit in. The piece that wasn't meant to be in the picture for its unique and hasn't found the picture which it truly belongs to.
Goodbye current self. I hate behaving like a nuisance. Therefore, I am not gonna randomly talk to anyone on msn anymore.

A) People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs & replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

B) Tag 8 people to do this quiz & those who are tagged cannot refuse. These people must state who they were tagged by & cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by. Continue this game by sending it to other people.


1. Which anime character would you like to meet in real life if possible?
Gintoki
Light Yagami (I wanna borrow his deathnote...)
The crazy masters from HSD Kenichi
Some random people who can grant powers or wishes...

2. What do you do before bedtime?
Off the darn lights...

3. What will your dream wedding be like?
Erm... somewhere in dreamland?

4. What is the city of your dreams and why?
My own city where I control everything...

5. Are you an introvert or extrovert?
Can i choose both?

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
I would say that if you can have both, you are truly blessed.

7. Do you trust easily?
What do you think? =P

8. If the person you secretly like is already taken, what would you do?
Nothing much I can do. As long as they are happy. I don't really have a right to kick up a fuss or beat up that guy.

9. Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?
Is there isn't, I have brain damage.

10. What is your favourite color?
No particular answer to this kiddy question.

11. Is being tagged fun?
Yea, once awhile, Its fun. At least someone still remembers my sad sorry existence.

12. What do you want to be when you grow up?
Not gonna tell. For those around me and considered close, they should know.

13. Who are currently the most important people to you?
Whoever I am willing to go through fire for or to defend. (other words, qn not answered)

14. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
No comments. =P (any comment could get me killed)

15. What is something that you are looking forward to most lately?
lots of stuff, bt no comment.

16. What’s your favorite item of clothing?
tops

17. What's better: to give or to receive?
both...

18. What's the first thing you notice in people?
A slight reading of what type of person they are.

19. Would you have 100% safe sex with a stranger for $10,000,000?
Can i have more cash? >< (hehe... kidding)

20. If you could change something, what would It be?
Possibly rewrite and gain control of my life.


tag:
Anyone who bothers to read and tag in my blog.
(Sheesh, I doubt any1 bothers. But tag my boxy if you did it)

Life is an illusion. I am starting to find it hard to read ppl's thoughts and feelings. Its like almost everyone is wearing a mask around me.
Seriously, I am starting to wonder who exactly and what am I?
I am starting to question my actions.
I guess I am fighting a losing battle whereby I don't even know myself, therefore equating to half the battle lost.

For years, I seem to be contained in a delusive world, decieved by thoughts which seems so real...
What exactly is happening? Even I do not know.

Argh... I don't wanna think so much. I just prefer the feeling when adrenaline gets pumped into my blood. The eagerness to outperform and do my very best...

Seriously, its rare to know someone without a mask, one who truly appreciates you for who you are. Thoughts can kill...

Finally. A single tag after 19 days...

Life is still boring. But this time with an added spice... Condiment S known as stress.
I am temporary going on a hiatus from club duties.
1, in order to combat condiment S.
2, to give a simulation of what will happen should anything happen to me.

I had given up on two gradings tis month. Felt kinda sad doing so. But I have no choice.
As usual... Time simply flies as I combat stress from various factors. I still hope for something special to happen into this world... Its getting so boring.
Kinda makes me envious of the world u see in anime and movies. They say life is a movie... I would probably rate mine as a box office failure.

Looking on the bright side, I ended the acg seminar today. Although I was a lil nt happy at the way of speech my team has. Constant pauses which bores the audience.

Life sure is a gamble in a twisted world. Anyone care to enter and alter part of my life in a positive manner?

I had a weird dream last night.
In it, I was replacable. Somehow, now that I think about it, in life, indeed I am replacable.
I doubt I had reached a level of particular importance.
Before any1 comes over and tries to change my thoughts. Lets assume what if some1 replaces me right now. Who the heck will care? As long as things still gets done...
Friends eh? Talk about closeness? The people whom I am surrounded now are just wanting the job done.
Family? Who the heck recognises me for the things I had done? I am sick and tired of my relatives boasting of their own children. In fact, it doesn't feel that much of a big family since she left.
I may have mentioned earlier that I felt like jigsaw piece that wouldn't fit in. Well, some1 told me that if I felt that way, I should assume that I am a unique piece.
Arghh... Don't wanna think about it further. Freaking nightmare. Simply replaced as I am left around to exist pathetically with no1 recognising me.

I am getting bored a highly simultaneous routine lifestyle.
The days pass by with the usual load of pains of juggling assignments and schoolwork.
As usual, my food hardly taste as good as they are.
I am hoping for a lil something to spice up my life. It can be anything. Just break that stupid simultaneous routine...
Hmm... what is the purpose of a net messenger?
Just an irritating device whereby peopl will bug you if its either work or cca. Oh yes, and for me to read my emails and get irritated by stupid apps from facebook.
I am trying a lil experiment. Gonna chart down how many people speaks to me as a friend rather than with the purpose of work or anything else. I am gonna try my very best to stay quiet and tie my fingers up.
Silence sure is an uncomfortable thing.
Ok, I am a lil over my designated bedtime. Guess I better stick to what I had made for myself.

Note: See the empty cbox? Lets see how long it can remain empty. Since it had been last tagged on the 19th July, i think it should be pretty capable of staying empty for a longer period of time.

이것은 아마도 내 인생의 제 3 회 통증합니다. 후회는 아무도 없어. 나는 이번에 시도했다. 불행히도, 그녀는 아무것도 보였다. 아프다 나 침묵하합니다. 나는 중지합니다. 하기 전까지 그녀는 반환합니다, 어떤 징후 감정을합니다.

Haha... this shall perhaps be my last not so negative entry. I guess I should start bloggin about happier stuff if i ever have any. I have decided to step back and wait.
There wasn't any response...
그녀를 선택합니다.
I have no right to feel anything.
Until there are positive signs.
아프다...

I turned down an invitation from some1 who asked me out. Even though the venue was changed from somewhere of 'fun' to the library, I refused.

Here, I shall name some of my resolves.
1. I shall slp before 12pm on wkdays.
2. I shall work harder as I have hardly anyone whom I can depend on.
3. I shall become stronger. Physically and mentally.

Hmm... Out of the 3 arts which I learnt, I finally told myself which I liked the most. It would possibly be karate. I have a great sensei who started the art at 17-18 of age and is currently in his 50s, still doing very well. He's a 8th dan and a living encyclopedia of Shitoryu Style karate.
I am not just admiring him for his achievements. Rather, its for the person he truly is. He is a role model to me. I had told myself, I will continue to train under him (despite some skipping of lessons thks to sch) and learn every single kata.

I shall continue to wear tat accursed mask. I crave special attention. If I truly must be alone without true friends, then I shall not waver in terms of knowledge and physical oppression.
Haha... True friends. What a lame idealogy. I had some supposingly good frens over the years. In the end, I am just an ordinary acquintance.
I truly wonder if it was a mistake trying to be some1 I wanted to. To open up and force myself to live to my ideal expectations... It simply does not seem to be me.

This will perhaps be the last of my rant over life till I truly can't contain it anymore.

I wonder if I am a worthless insignificant being thats a nuisance to others.
Sometimes, when I talk too much, people simply reply lil by lil as if its a form of courtesy. I feel as if I am not one which others like to talk to, just probably some nuisance flooding them.
I am perhaps a lil sensitive to my surroundings. I could sense some plots or so.
Seriously, I dunno whoever I can trust. Seems rather silly, but I feel that alot of people around me are just wearing a mask.
Sometimes, if I ever have to relate probs, I would tell some1 whom I can talk to and is not really involved much in my life, nor have I ever met much. It feels as if the further the bonds and involvement, the worth of what I say to be used against me drops, therefore reducing the risks.
Argh... I seriously dunno who can I truly trust.

Another prob jus hit me. I am not sure if there's something wrong with me or not. Lately, I havent been able to taste well. I have been losing interest in food. Alot of things taste crappy to me. I wonder if its a medical condition of my tastebuds are dying or is it because I has hardly eaten something good lately.

Sometimes when one looks back, one would regret their actions.
Life's a gamble. Youth is full of rashness. Its either double or nothing.
Well sometimes, no1 truly knows the answers to some questions in life.

I wish I can really hypnotise myself.
Self decieving and misinterpretation or so is killing me.
Hmm... I guess I am no more of much use rather than being able to talk.
However, I am gettin tired of always thinking about stuff to talk about in order to start or maintain a conversation.
It seems like I am fated to be left alone. Haha... Who the heck talks to me often rather than me talking to them?
Really getting tired...
I probably have no other worth left if you just take some things away from what I am.
Well, forget about taking those away, they will simply disappear over time.

I waited to no avail. The lil promise wasn't fulfilled.
Perhaps I am too sensitive to my surroundings that I tend to read simple actions too much into detail.
I really feel like a piece of a jigsaw that can never fit into the whole picture wherever I go.
I can hardly find a place which I can truly relax and feel fortunate that I have people whom I can depend on.
There is no exclusiveness which I solely desire, whereby I can feel special.
Name and titles eh? Those are just an empty formality. Take those away and what am I truly worth ed as?
I should stop forcing things to bend into the direction which I expect them to flow. I see no signs.
It simply burns real deep whenever I see things which pricks me.
SOmetimes, I wish I could be devoid of emotions.
Within the truth hides illusions of lies. Within the lies, hides the truth.

ps: After lots of wondering and sourcing for clues, I finally found tat old health booklet which was kept in my sis' room as though it was hers. Finally, it revealed that my blood is A+...

People always say I have the ability to make the impossible happen...
However, I beg to differ.
I am just kinda useless and redundant. My presence doesn't really make much of a difference.
I suffered a few blows today that made my heart stopped.
Like sparring, there's the thrill rush of adrenaline as you spar. However, you end up gtting hurt if you are not careful. Well, I guess perhaps I should step back and retreat instead of continuing tis fight.
Sorry for being weak.

Kind of unsealed the knot in my heart.
It feels so much lighter now.
I will find my path that I seek, no matter how hard it takes.

Humans have selective memories. We choose to remember those that are simply memorable.
Speaking about path, I remembered the dark path which I walked once. Although it seems dark and scary at night, it brought back memories. Possibly one which I will remember ...

Things still arent goin as well.
Perhaps I am thinking too much based on small details.

Imagine Icewine, made from frozen grapes. Of which, a bunch can only give you a few drops of liquer. That is the reason for it exorbitant price. It's valuable and sweet. You feel happy when you are drinking and savouring it. However, over time, when the wine is left to breathe for too long, it simply becomes vinegar. Why would one still stick to vinegar, hopelessly drinking it in hopes that it would revert back to its true taste? That person would be a fool. Yet to some, it would taste as good as ever. Perhaps, one man's meat is another man's poison as they say...

The load is gettin heavier.
Lately, my mood's been rather sour. I kinda hate talking much.
Yeah, somehow this had a negative effect. Apparently, communication is like an investment.
Time's possibly a catalyst of events. Over time, people hardly talk if neither party bothers to speak up.
I wonder if I should just resign from my newly created club...

I had been reprimanded and grilled by both parents for taking up so many arts. My dad's trying some form of propaganda to make me drop one. I refused though...

Lots of things happened. There's too much to be written and deposited into this repository.
However, I don't feel like opening up at the moment, not even to this blog which is hardly read.
Threads... Haha... Entwined at a particular time and then finally found to be not connected at all at the end.

Why do I take so much martial arts? Why do I like them?
Why do I have this unhealthy obsession?
It all boils down to one thing.
They are a form of release. Be it that I can not get intellectually superior or so, at least I know I am improving with them. Why do I train so much? Its because I have pride, I detest being weak. Its so amazing how the human body is. Adapting to our daily lifes and unlocking it potential. I want to bring out what I am truly capable. Without martial arts, I probably have nothing else much left.
In martial arts, It is the only legit place where I can truly shout and bring out my inner anger. Only when I have exhaust the flames within can I truly find a bit of peace.
Life is full of stress and constant worries. I would had collapsed after what I had been through if it was not for the martial arts.
Many things are stilll falling into pieces, just like a happy jigsaw puzzle just about to crumble thanks to a young one's ignorance and lack of tact.
Should anything happens, I may wanna move out and rent a student apartment. Its just not so much of a happy place should that ever happen. When two individuals split from a single entity, it is not just they are the ones who suffer the emotional pains. The ones that suffer the most are the descendents. There is a probability of this happening, provided when one succumbs to rashness. If I do shift out, many things will have to change.
Till then, the future still seems bleak as I figure out means of survival in preparation to fuel my lil protest.

Today is the 2nd year anniversary, where she left us.
Lately, things had been crumbling.
My supposing 'innocent' but not aware of the situation sis has been fueling up the fire, she ratted on my dad to my mum, thus making relationships worst beyond the usual quarrel.
Sometimes, I wonder if that lil idiot, who was happily playing with another useless idiot on the day where she was suffering and left us, was a lil terror brought from the heavens to destroy the balance and harmony. I remember the times whereby I often got into trouble thanks to her highly pretentious and sensitive nature. Just a lil chip of the old block, fiery in temper like someone.
I seriously dunno what I can do and how long the patience can ever last.
Deep within, I wish I can get financial freedom, thus to be able to not rely on them in case anything happens and when the chains snap.
As of the usual, I am gonna remain silent for the whole of today if possible.

Lets face it.
I suck. Big time.
Everything I do simply ends up in failure. There isn't anything much I am good at.
I am at the bottom of the food chain, everywhere I go.
I had endured humiliation in silence, time n time again till I am almost numbed to it.
Studies are simply just scraping by, just to survive through the course.
My future seems extremely dark. What happened to the life of the past which soared so high?
I feel so inferior in everything. Every effort I tried to put in so far either has no effect or just a lil insignificant change. The books and arts... Every thing crumbles...
Even when it comes to people... Do I even have much close friends whom I go out with on a regular basis or can ever maintain ties for such a long time?

I had endured near my limit. Hence, I am releasing this piece of memory here.

Tats all for now.

I wonder if it was self deception or merely a feeling of impulse that affected the senses and level of judgement. I am gonna adopt a passive approach and monitor how things go. There were times of magic, however, recently, it seems to be running out. Like chess, I should probably calm myself down and think of the other possibilities which may happen. I hate losing with the huge pride of mine. I rather end the game of chess rather than continue deeper into its complexity if I was not meant to play it.

Side note: This sun may be my last trip with the jcc to fest. After which, I may withdraw from the club. Just feels way too distant now.

tagged by Jas!

Pick your birth month.

→ Strike out anything that doesn't apply to you.

→ Bold the five-ten that best apply to you.

→ Copy to your blog, lj, xanga, wordpress.

→ Tag 5 people from your friends list.

SEPTEMBER: Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized.Likes to point out people's mistakes. Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal but not always honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing.Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic.

JANUARY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Ambitious and serious. Loves to teach and be taught. Always looking at people's flaws and weaknesses. Likes to criticize. Hardworking and productive. Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how to make others happy. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Rather reserved. Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Romantic but has difficulties expressing love. Loves children. Loyal. Has great social abilities yet easily jealous. Very stubborn and money cautious.

FEBRUARY: Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizes dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

MARCH: Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate. Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others. Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decors. Musically talented. Loves special things. Moody.

APRIL: Active and dynamic. Decisive and hasty but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving. Motivates oneself and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest. Sexy in a way that only their lover can see.

MAY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.

JUNE: Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Able to show character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious. Executive. Stubborn.

JULY: Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

AUGUST: Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave and caring. Brave and fearless. Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others. Too generous and egoistic. Takes high pride in oneself. Thirsty for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked. Easily jealous. Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, music and defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance against illnesses. Learns to relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving and caring. Loves to make friends.

SEPTEMBER: Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people's mistakes. Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal but not always honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic.

OCTOBER: Loves to chat. Loves those who loves them. Loves to take things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care of what others think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenced. Easily loses confidence. Loves children.

DECEMBER: Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing personality. Not egotistic. Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical.

So who's tagged?
FCC member (sry for tormenting.) and anyone else who reads this. (post at mycbox to let me know.)

ps:yea, I know my hit counter sucks.

What would you do if someone you usually know changes overnight?
My soul darkens...
I had been hit by a series of events.

My other side is calling...
Yes, I truly admit that I have a certain inferior complex.
Just can't keep looking down and shunning myself.
I have pride, I hate being down right at the bottom unlike the past. Things used to be so smooth sailing, however, I wonder if my years of success and good luck had ran out. I detest the state I am now, most of the things I had done or placed effort in, they aren't reaping the fruits if hard work. I had possibly lost my way and sole purpose. My uniqueness is no longer present. I simply no longer understand what are my strengths.
I know what's gonna happen soon isn't gonna suit me much. However, I can't help it as I still remain victim to my mind's prison.

There's gonna be a change. A huge change...
Note: Worst case scenario, I may resign from some of my current responsibilities.

Remove 1 qn from below and add in your personal question, make it a total of 20 qns. Tag 8 people in your list, list them out at the end of the post. (edit*:I am not gonna tag, instead anyone who reads this blog should.)

1)Have you given your first kiss away?-Nope

2)Where is the place that you want to go the most?-Doesn't really matter to me. With money, I can develop any place I want.

3)If you can have one dream to come true, what would it be?-Immortality and the power to grant longevity.

5)Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after the rain?-Rain? Oh wait, I would be indoors or busy running out of it.

6)Who/What are you afraid of losing now?-A few people and my way of life.

7)If you win $1 million, what would you do?-Make more money with it and give some money back to society.

8)If you meet someone you love, would you confess to him/her?-Probably. But haven't encountered.

9)What are the requirements that you wish from your other half?-A long list to write. You don't wanna know unless you are the other half.

10)What type of person do you hate the most?-Hate. I am starting to hate quite alot of people.

11)What is your ambition?-Create a cafe business that generates me revenue and finally start a F & B empire.

12)If you have 3 days left to live, what would you do?-Do something that will cause a bang and leave deep impressions.

13)What do you think is the most important thing in life?-Feelings.

14)Are you shopaholic?-Nope, I am deprived financially.

15)If you have a chance, which part of your character would you like to change?-Depending on
someone who can point out my bad points, I would change it.

16)What do you do at home?-Variety of stuff. Its my caged prison

17)Any weird habits or quirks?-I am not usually who I am. Possibly have split personalities.

18)What would you do if not taking this quiz?-Having my lunch then going to school.

19)What were you doing yesterday?-I forgot. Short memory...

20)Are you willing to give up anything for a loved one.-No. I can give up lots of stuff, but some things are way out of discussion.

Ok, that's all for now as I do this quiz which someone kinda forced me to do. Now's time for lunch and off to school.

Tagged people?
Anyone who reads this blog.
Oya, Most importantly is FCC member.

Life can be kinda dark depending on how you view it. Yes, I feel kinda moody today. The reason? Even I don't really know much myself. Perhaps my daily routine wasn't quite the same or so.
Emptiness isn't quite a nice feeling.
Yeah. Everyone has their lives. They can't simply be concerned about a single entity on this planet.
They are busy. I understand...
The sands of time simply flow, leaving behind the mortal that hopelessly tries to hold them back as they slip through his fingers.
The flow of energy simply changes. From emptiness to the feeling of wanting to proof one's worth. Just one person who accepts that existence is all it takes to break through the cold and dark world with a piercing ray of light.
I hate being a patchwork out of the dark night sky, which complements the brightest stars.

I just feel like letting loose a furry of punches. All in vain...

I wonder if anyone has heard of a certain being that simply descends into your lives and touches your soul. It is probably a creator of memories and feasts on the bad ones that simply torments you by listening and offering you some solutions, be it good or bad, in exchange for your story which it listens intently to. It tries its best to shield you from the mind's prison. However, as time passes, that being's time seems to had expired and it slowly fades out of your life, as if its presence is no longer required. Probably forgotten as the sands of time continues to trickle down the slender hourglass of life, as if it was merely a dream.

Wonder if anyone knows the name or has encountered such a being?

---

Ok, just a lil update. I have decided to take a break from akd. Possibly returning after 3 months again at a different dojo. I may have fallen, but I don't intend to soar once more from the spot which I fell and hurt myself. Consider it as if I have lots of pride. I hate losing or failing. However, sometimes, it really can't be helped. So I am gonna be really stubborn and hard to kill in the things I will be doing in future. Words of encouragement were rendered to me from some people and I really appreciate that. So I am gonna try hard again, but not entering from the same door. I will catch my adversaries by surprise. Of which, I had planned to start tkd earlier than expected. Watch me get stronger... If Oyama can actually overcome failures and become the Godhand through hardwork, I will be true to myself and work harder than before to make up for the lack of talent.
After the msts, I am gonna attempt some things which I did not have the guts to carry out before.

Got a lil accident for akd. At the moment I am goin on a hiatus for 3 months before I rejoin at Frontier. Just so pissed at the fact that some1 else who totally does not understand anything and joined the grading last minute could get it instead of me whereby I trained so hard for the following months, sacrificing lovely sundays for trainins.
That glint of silver... Just hate it to the core. I guess I will focus on taking the road of Hard martil arts at the moment. I feel simply inferior at the things I do. I hate this feeling.
Things will change soon. I will climb up once more...
I wanted to accomplish some things today. However, both resulted in failure...
Just stings so much as I wallow within my mind's prison.
I have the dying urge to get better...

Argh... So much troubles, insanity seems to be the only key to keeping sane.
To mark a new change to my life, I had cut my hair short. Chances of me leaving it long as of the past will be low. Ever wondered if people do change whenever they cut their hair? Sometimes, I am sick of wearing a facade that isn't really me. I thought tat by learning to defend, I won't fear any violent opposition when I want to make a stand. Seriously, I don't know what the heck am I talking about now.

Just a lil randomness, I lost interest in some types of food. Particularly rice dumplings and chicken rice. I doubt I can never ever find the version which I used to enjoy.

Looking on the bright side, I can finally get my gold tips tml. 1 step closer to 2nd kyu which I will take at the end of yr and will have to build up my strength and stamina by then. Well, to me, it just comforts me to have a lil achievement in life, else I would feel void of meaning, possibly the kind whereby I doubt my own existence or personal uniqueness.

I have a sick obsession of trying to stand out at times. Always trying to do stuff beyond the norm. I have doubt in my abilities. My ideas that always seem absurd only works whenever there is a team of effective people working with me to help accomplish it.

Argh... Can't stand it much longer. Isolation probably done unintendedly or so, whenever I think about it. It stings real hard through the soul. Probably, as I stick to my own stand. No one else is there for you most of the time. I hate blog surfin... Others seem to have fufilling lives and when I reflect at myself... ...

I can't go on much more for now. Guess I should cap my prison of thoughts for now.

For all those reading out there: Stop doing so, my entries should be rather toxic. It could diffuse into u and make you feel kinda down.

Insanity still works like a charm... tormenting my head.
I just realised a whole truth. The world sucks... It truly sucks along with the sucky people who tainted it. I am developing the complex whereby the world is simply corrupted and I would love to own a certain black notebook that simply eliminates the scourges. Just feel like the pressing that darn reset button that seems no where in sight.
Too many idiots had drove me mad. I just kinda feel like dropping everything. Am I not cut out for responsibility? There are simply too many things which I hate...
I am gonna spend a rather unproductive day in sch soon. Dun wanna think too much...
Life seems so easy when you are a kid.

Bonds and affinity eh? I am beginnin to lose faith in these. They are all simply weak. Everywhere...
It seems that as long as no1 puts in a constant investment to talk, the bonds simply weaken and slowly transfigures into strangers. I am simply tired of investing too much, the returns are way too low. I havent even seen much interest. Yea. People suck.
It simply seems that the only 1 there for you will be none other than yourself. Too sick of being left out or so. Just simply fills me up with rage as I sink within my own mind's trap.

I dun wanna care much more. Once I achieve my 46 points, I am gonna drop all my ccas.
Its so much better being carefree.

Argh...
I am on the verge of insanity.
Possibly insanity is just a form of escapism.
Things arent going as smoothly as they are.
I just feel like smashing... smashing and smashing...
My scars arent healing as far as I expected them to too...

Minor update.
Since I really have to force myself to start bloggin again.
Hols r here, yea, i know this is the 2nd wk.

Wee~ i m playin with 160mbps thks to my new N router. Hope the neighbours' connection won't be screwed thanks to me.

Dun wanna talk much about school nor cca. Its all a pain.

Finally got into 8th kyu of karate. I can officially spar and take part in competitions. lol

This sunday is gonna be my 3rd kyu grading for aikido. Hopefully I can stick to my plan of gettin 2nd kyu for it at end of this year and then towards the ultimate goal of dan before ns.

As for karate, I would be satisfied if I got into 6th kyu for end of this yr and hopefully at least a 2nd kyu before I go ns.

Can't wait for august or septemeber to arrive. Then I can finally start tkd...

Other than tat. I dun wish to take about anything more personal. As for the moment, I am still able to contain my stress within.

Muscular aches makes me feel alive...

Lots of stuff are coming in at the wrong time. The good stuff and the bad ones.
Bad stuff:
Assignments
Club issues
Me getting injuries.
Struggling to meet deadlines

Good stuff:
Won a draft-N router from Linksys with an entry.
Erm... nothing else?

There's too many stuff to write about. Bt guess I am too lazy to recollect them.
Lets face the truth about this world. It sucks. People who suck. They suck. We suck. I suck.
Everything sucks.
Mr Chewy from microsoft was right.
Geez. I can't believe the naivety of people who still believe in free lunches in this world.
Yeah. The world is balanced in its own way. Well, for everything you want, you have to pay an equilivant value for it. Thats the law of equilivant trade.


Deadlines sure are rushing in as I am struggling to fufill them. Server Apps is killing me. JSP is such a complicated language. Wish there was such thing as tuition. Hardly, I doubt the existence of it. Yep. That sucks.
next wk's my karate grading. Hopefully I can get a double promo, which I think is rather unlikely with my lousy neko achi dachi? (can't rmb how to freaking spell it)
couple more wks later... its aikido grading. bleahz
Speaking of which, I got thrown several times like a basketball during sensei's demo of practical aikido when he told me to strike him. Well, he's old, I can't really hit him multiple times, so i simply attacked with single straight punches that arent aiming for him at all. The result?
Me... being tossed about like some wobbly toy or basketball...

Argh. Life is dark. Someone light up my life pls?

~I always feel like exploding. Expressing myself through the kicks and strikes that manifests itself based on my rage within. Rage can be positive and negative. Its not all about anger...

Posting thks to Miss Honey who forced me at 'knifepoint'.

1.How many children do you want? 2. More if I am rich.
2.What do you want most now? To get stronger... (sounds crude eh? haha)
3.What do you want to be when you grow up? Join the ISD if they caught Mas Alamak. Ultimately form my F and B empire with my good buddy.
4.If you can have 1 more dream to come true, what would it be? Immortality?
5.What are you afraid of losing now? Afraid of losing my pants in public...
6.Do you believe in love forever? Possible. Time will tell.
7.If you meet someone you love, would you confess to him/her? When the time is right~
8.What would you do when you are feeling down and depressed? Sugar rush time!
9.What are the requirements you wish from the other half? Secret~ I am super demanding.
10.What type of person do you hate the most? People who sizes up others by their abilities. I just feel like rebelling and crushing them.
11. Do you cherish every single one of your friendship? Yea... But I lose them somehow.
12. At what age do you wish to die? When I had done all I wanted and feels life is boring.
13. What do you think is the most important thing in your life? Living.
14. DO you find it neccessary to have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Duh.
15. What do you want your friend to be like? I am demanding... so its confidential. But usually, i accept my friends for who they are.
16. What kind of friend do you hope to be in the eyes of your friends? Whichever they perceive, its up to them.
17.If you have a change, what character would it be? I am near perfect... i think. IN my own terms.
18. Who will you go to when you are feeling down? Hi bloggie...
19. Best Childhood Memory? With Granny.
20. Thats alot of questions, the end? Yea.

Note: I removed the chain post part. Coz i HATE CHAINS!!!

Things had been really busy lately. As of late, my heart's been darkening... Slowly consumed by the infestation caused by the seeds of conspiracies and betrayal.

Somehow, friends whom I used to band with apparently had flipped over to the other side. Alienating me within the usual grp? Well, what can I say. There is afterall only one instigator. A 2-faced one who apparently is not afraid to reveal the darker side overtime.

I find that there are bombs around me. As of any time, the spark can merely cause all of them to blow. I can only vaguely understand their thoughts. Well, as of self preservation, I have to put on a facade of ignorance. My life is simply constantly bombarded with pressure.

Well, I am forced to... What that seems to be of dark origins is now possibly an ally. Whereas what which seems to be on the path on righteous is now corrupted. Its a twisted world.

As for the one that constantly replaced me... I had the burning temptation to crush his fragile frame and absolutely irksome face into nothingness... the more pain i can inflict, the more my inner sadistic side becomes satisfied. However, thks to the restraints of society, I can't do so.

What which seems to contain warmth and solace is now a place of pains and irritation. There is simply no warmth or mutual understanding there anymore. Almost each waking moment is a torment to my mental health.

It just appears that I am slowly losing what there used to be in the past. The world keeps revolving... In its own cruel twisted way. Survival of the fittest... Adapt.

Some1 told me that the fears of the strong are the weak. For the weak are the ones who will one day overpower them.

Hmm... does green tea help my condition by its supposed effects of thinning the blood by as claimed by one of my good friends? or is it simply the delusion caused by the mind into believing it works?

Well, Havent been writing short entries for quite some time. Been kinda busy. Still adapting back to the new sch term. This term's modules r gonna be dry though. Oh wells.

Somehow i find karate training getting a lil tougher than usual. Bt at the very least, the headache frequency is dropping. Whereas, during the usual aikido trainings, where i am supposed to feel drained after training or completely robbed of my breath, they just feel like a lil smart chip of the bigger block of karate.

Well, this term is gonna change. I am gonna get stronger within a shorter period of time. In terms of strength and the stuff I am doing.

Did a lil running test today to test out my stamina. Apparently, it kinda improved. Guess I will have to maintain or either increase. Guess perhaps karate helped me out? Next term, I am most probably gonna start taekwondo.

Juz a brief update.
My condition's worrying me. I am trying not to let it happen each time after karate. Dun wanna give up karate... It simply drained me out yesterday.
Slept at 10plus and woke at 10am. Approximately 12hrs and I didn't had dinner at all...

Finally got the cca approved to b official.
Next goal, get a gd start and probably hit the media.
Lately, i have been developing probs. I get headaches very frequently after exercise.
My blood simply gushes into my head... At the start, my vision gets blurer. After which, it subsides, following with an extremely excruciating headache that seems to split my head into 2.
Veins simply form at the sides of my forehead... Protruding ones...
It seems to be formed by bright lights... It simply hurts... and as start to fear bright flashy lights.
I seem to find solace in the darkness...

Been kinda worned out after mondays mock sparring. Not all the higher belts gave me a chance though. Got out safe with a few scratches thks to friction?
Well, I realised my fastest hand is my right, my better leg is my left. Odd combination eh?

School's gonna reopen soon. Life's gonna be extremely busy. I wonder if i should quit sp tennis after the FO camp to make sure i got more time.

Things are gonna change. Here's a minor schedule.

mon-sch and karate
tues-sch and revision at night
wed-same as tues
thurs-same as mon
fri-sch , gym and aikido
sat-sch and rest
sun-aikido, rest and revision

yep, i gonna start bucking up. I am gonna cut my hair short as to symbolise a rebirth. haha

hmm, about ccas, i will juz stick to my club and jcc, its gonna give me enough troubles.
for gems, i m most probably gonna take nutrition? haha

goals:
Improve my studies.
Attain 3rd kyu by june for aikido.
Get double promo to 8th kyu for karate.
Be a good chairman that will get FCC into the news.
Learn tkd's chon ji and dan gun on my own.
Condition myself.

The pain's almost gone now...
I m restarting splits as usual... bt at a slower pace, combined with what one would call a typical horse stance to strengthen my legs. I would probably put my weights on when sch reopens or when my leg has completely healed.
Saw the first 2 tkd patterns, remembered the movement, however I would need a mentor to guide me. My dad refused... What can I say?
Once again, I am asked with what is exactly my goal of planning to learn 3 martial arts consecutively. Well, I am not going to write it here...

I just want to get better at the things I am doing...

Life seems terribly bleak and boring at the moment.
My living environment's in a bad shape, nt to mention its bad for health.
Yeah, my leg's healing, bt at a rather slow pace.
I lack training. Kept having the thought of swapping my aikido dojo. Didn't even get to train this entire month. Should i apply multi and brush up the missing lessons next month?
I am getting a lil short fused... As usual, I feel like destroyin what that goes against me...
The mind may think, bt the body would not synchronise to carry it out.
Well, juz some random ramblings that may seem nonsensical to the mind of others.
Who cares? No one else reads. Haha...
Well, I need to write to keep sane.

today, i missed out karate. thks to rain and traffic jam. oh, not to mention my still ongoing injury.
well, if i can't train my legs, might as well train my arms.
my house is undergoin renovation, as of today. its pretty dusty n noisy as i quaratined myself in my room. n yes, although its undergoin reno, my room isn't at all.
well, wat can i say?

i m really beginning to lose confidence that i will heal in time. Oh well, at most, i will take things slow tml.
I juz realised tat no matter how much contacts u have in msn, very few of them bothers to start a conversation with u. Try this, see how many ppl talks to u in a day.
For me, i get a 0-2 range. Of which, majority is 0.
Who cares? Hardly any1 reads this space. hah.

2nd day of pain.
apparently, it is still hurts.
finished approx 2-3ml of tabasco sauce on my plate of noodles.
was feeling a lil down. not juz becoz of tis minor injury.
for now, i can only train my arms.
when sch reopens, i m going to wear back the ankle and wrist weights.
i still lack alot of training... i wan to get better within a shorter period of time and probably attained what sensei did. trainin at 18, becoming a champ at 20...

As of today, I shall decide to use my blog as a lil goal planner.
Yesterday, I sort of injured myself. Was doing leg splits... However, I went too low and heard a crack at the joint near my pelvic bone. Now, the muscle at the back of my leg hurts.
Guess I will have to abstain from training at the moment and hopefully recover by monday.

finally something which I am more satisfied with...
took me about 2 hours to tidy up the codes and to edit the pics.

note: i won't be posting anythg abt my trip as I dun have access to the mem card.

I had given up. I supposed I had gotten into a severe case of falling victim into my thoughts.
Feeling extremely quirky...

I guess I will just take a step back and retreat within. Goodbye formal me...

Now tat yours truly's blog is finally done, hopefully the skin will stay.
Hmm... I had given the previous matter some thought. With calculations, some party has treaded on my toes and my fangs are going to shred them when they least expect it.
I can say, we are gonna see some great shows in the following 2nd yr of poly.
It is human nature to band and work together depending on the situation and harsh environment.
Even I was not spared from this law. Supposingly I fell from the light, creatures of the darkness shall come and gather. I had forged an alliance of what was supposingly dark and possibly the scourge which the 'world' has ever known.
Wearing a nice gentle mask, I shall transcend between light and darkness, feeding both sides what may be desire till I finally dictate which side shall fall after they had incurred my wrath...
Guess I got a lil excited over this issue... Well, I better not write more for this could result in my own downfall.

Note: Don't miss me, I will be off flyin to hk to experience a 2nd childhood on the 9th and will disappear for approximately 10 days unless I can find an internet connection... And yes, its gonna be time to let loose and devolve into a retard before cruel reality steps in as i put my mask back on...