Fables and Revelations

learned helplessness n. A laboratory model of depression in which exposure to a series of unforeseen adverse situations gives rise to a sense of helplessness or an inability to cope with or devise ways to escape such situations, even when escape is possible. learned helplessness n. In psychology, a mental state in which a laboratory subject forced to bear aversive stimuli becomes unable or unwilling to avoid subsequent applications, even if they are “escapable,” presumably through having learned that situational control is generally out of one's hands. Experiments, first on dogs and later on humans, led some researchers, including Martin E.P. Seligman (b. 1942) in Helplessness (1975), to believe that chronic failure, depression, and similar conditions are forms of learned helplessness. Critics have argued that different conclusions can be drawn from such tests and that broad generalizations are unwarranted. - Britannica They scurry across the beaches, their seedy beady eyes startin...

If you are slain in battle, you should be resolved to have your corpse facing the enemy. - Yamamoto Tsunetomo, 1659 - 1719 The rest of the world can see me, and wonder if I am broken, or alone, but I know who I am. I will draw each breath and endeavour to match its worth with life. We all try our best to survive in this chaotic, dysfunctional world of miracles and tragedies. Of destruction, of poverty, of love, of romance, of life’s ever so sweet poetry that rolls on your tongue and escape from the very breathe that is like a sigh that touches your lips. We make ourselves who we want to become and we fight earnestly for the dreams that hover in our hearts. The pain may sink down and gnaw at our bellies, it may sting at our hearts, but never let it break you and take you, because with that you lose the very essence that is yourself and succumb to a will not of your own. There is always a solution; there is always a choice. There is always a reason for our these test of faith, what will ...

I lay on the soft warm grass in the chill of the falling rain, The rain on my lips like the breath of the gods caress me, Under the sky of a million stars, I look up the pale silvery moon and wonder if life is now but a dream, That I would soon wake in the darkness of my living nightmare, To be buried in ancient truths and crippled sanity. Touch me, under the open sky and put your finger on my lips, and cease my idle chatter. I peer into a box and I see you, one as beautiful as the heavens can bring. A tired soldier of child like wonder marches against the wind in the distance. Alas, skin cannot touch skin, and I but am only allowed a vision of you. I put on my black Mary Janes, and they are filled with sand, sands of your land. I gaze upon the open road, but only the echoes of memories remain. Counting the days till reality sets in, counting the minutes before I can touch the heavens, counting the seconds before the presence of sweet earthquakes that would shatter my soul.

I’m lost but I’m hopeful. I hope my choices would turn out fine. I’m sorry for the hurt, and the pain and anguish, I hope the choices have been the right ones. I haven’t got everything figured out just yet and things are still in motion. Trying to stay focused, the unknown is dauting. Things have never been simple for me, it still isn’t. The choices layed out on a platter, both equally desirable, happiness on an buffet platter, dreams that need to be fulfilled. Drag me out a map and I’ll draw you two paths to two different worlds. A world of darkness that chills me but logical choices and a rationale mind, a world of warmth on the soft sand, of madness and imagination, of dreams and joy. I lay down on the cold ground and close my eyes, looking out of the window into the sun. Take me to babylon, to the edge of maddness and leave everything behind.

ser·en·dip·i·ty [ser-uhn-dip-i-tee] –noun 1.an aptitude for making desirable discoveries by accident. 2.good fortune; luck: the serendipity of getting the first job she applied for. [Origin: 1754; Serendip + -ity; Horace Walpole so named a faculty possessed by the heroes of a fairy tale called The Three Princes of Serendip] Word History: We are indebted to the English author Horace Walpole for the word serendipity, which he coined in one of the 3,000 or more letters on which his literary reputation primarily rests. In a letter of January 28, 1754, Walpole says that "this discovery, indeed, is almost of that kind which I call Serendipity, a very expressive word." Walpole formed the word on an old name for Sri Lanka, Serendip. He explained that this name was part of the title of "a silly fairy tale, called The Three Princes of Serendip: as their highnesses traveled, they were always making discoveries, by accidents and sagacity, of things which they were not in quest of......

Life sure does strange things to me time and time again. My trip to Australia was amazing. Pretty much one of the most amazing thingts I have ever done in my life and I'm glad I took a dive into the unknown. There is so much that I want to say about the trip but I'll mention about it later I guess. Work has started streaming in already and I got emails to send, work to finish. They say when you fall in love time stops. That's one thing I have learnt on my trip. Looking across the ocean, white sand as soft as talcum powder against my feet, the wind in my hair and the sun against my face. Water like emerald and blue like lapiz lazuli. I miss you. I don't know if my feelings would fade in time, but I really fell in love. It's just utterly beautiful and breathtaking. You would too if you had seen what I had seen, felt what I had felt, touch what I have touched and embraced the pure untainted beauty that this world has to bring. I felt my heart bound in satin ribbons and...

Like old projects and documents which, seem to have no more significance to us, we would; as mac users would say "move to trash" or for the rest of the world utilising personal computers or PCs with windows as the operating system would mention, "move to recycling bin". Once in the trash it sits there holding no authority and continues to waste away its meaningless nubby pointless existence, until it is forgotten when the user empties the trash. As with humans; we encounter the exact situation almost every single day of our lives. As move from one person to the next, words are forgotten, feelings, memories, thoughts, ideals are lost and eventually we become insignificant to each other like the little icons of documents that cutter our tiny little desktop. Filling the screen with countless names and faces. In the event that we chose to disregard a person's feeling, opinions and thoughts due to frustration, questioning the existence of the associate in your life t...

They were going to hit me, I could see the intensity in their eyes. I did not back away from the first and I stood firm because I did no wrong. The second I ran because I knew if he hit me all ties would be broken and it would tear me apart, so much more then the physical intensity of the pain that would be inflicted on me. Hit me. You know you want to. You have been waiting for this moment to prove you are better, stronger, faster, better then me, perhaps even smarter. You always wanted to be ahead. I have no qualms about being first or last. I stood in front of him eye to eye, I could see the anger and the hate in his eyes, his finger swingly wildly in front of my face. I will not back down, I will not because I did no wrong. I called to say I need help, I rang the doorbell and asked for help, is that wrong? I work till 12.10am so that I would be free up on sunday to help teach the kids. Is that wrong of me? Did you ever ask me why I was working so late? I had packed all my items so ...

Life has been a crazy whirlwind of ups and downs and a heck of a rollar coaster white rafting river ride. I have dived into more adventure and excitement then I have done in the last three years of my life. The last couple of months have been just swimming with touching the untouchable and living in the edge of my most nonsensical dreams. It's just fabulous though how things just piece themselves. The whole accidental incidents that have been repeatedly manisfesturing in itself is just astonishing. I have found strength in the far depths of the world, in the midst of a quiet starless night. The close taste of a silent whisper, and the comfort of a moment's laughter that breaks the monotony of this rather lifeless, dreary world. The world continues to move and evolve and time carries me aboard the quick moving bullet train of passing thoughts, me sitting adrift and unaware of the millions of events that unfolds, as the world passes by outside, as quick as a passing whisper, or a...

Gosh can't stop singing this song, I know it's old, kind of, but it's just so uber catchy. Anyway I book my tickets already and I'm going to be going away for a short trip come end of november. Lots of changes this month. I can't believe I actually decided to stop working and do something else. I can't even imagine doing something else other then design. Then again I would still be designing my own portfolio and works in a sense so that should be alright. At least I keep working on my stuff. Artist: Jason Mraz Lyrics Song: You and I Both Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me Oh things are gonna happen naturally Oh taking your advice I'm looking on the bright side And balancing the whole thing But often times those words get tangled up in lines And the bright lights turn to night Until the dawn it brings Another day to sing about the magic that was you and me Cause you and I both loved What you and I spoke of And others just re...

I honestly haven’t been writing much of late, online and in my journal. It’s odd, almost like I just lost the drive to want to pen my thoughts. It could probably be a dry period, but every time I open my journal and picked up my pen, my mind runs a blank, like the open cloudless sky in the hot and humid afternoons in june. The gridlines in my journal seem to look like patterns on a fabric and I close my book. I recall some days I would be bursting with words, pages and pages of words. Of sweet memories, of lucid thoughts and pagan exploits. I made a new friend of late and I’ve been spending much time talking, discussing about people, passing thoughts and little monsters. Been feeling rather serene of late, like the calm waters of a midnight lake. Perhaps the late night company have helped soothe the tired and weary soul of a night traveller, swopping stories of life’s little adventures and unspoken journeys. Years have swam by since i had met another like this amiable friend, whose ben...

I swear this is gonna be like the ultimate love song for years to come .... Chasing Cars We'll do it all Everything On our own We don't need Anything Or anyone If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world? I don't quite know How to say How I feel Those three words Are said too much They're not enough If I lay here If I just lie here Would you lay with me and just forget the world? Forget what we're told Before we get too old Show me a garden that's bursting into life Let's waste time Chasing cars Around our heads I need your grace To remind me To find my own If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lay with me and just forget the world? Forget what we're told Before we get too old Show me a garden that's bursting into life All that I am All that I ever was Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see I don't know where Confused about how as well Just know that these things will never change for us ...

I bought Bop n' Beep last night with a friend, feeling rather down I though that Beep n' Bop seem the ideal huggable creatures that I would want to spend the night with. I found a description of them on the site (see below). They are like sewed together back to back so it was like getting 2 dolls in one. They are pretty big though much taller then little Mikey. Description Bop n' Beep are best friends...with you. They want to take you to lunch!!! It's just hard to reach their wallet... They left it in their back pocket. So would it be OK if you took them out this time? They promise to return the favor...oh wait...Well, Beep does. Anyway, hug?

At times in the dark of the night I dream about him and how he would look like. How we would meet in the strangest circumstances, and I would plague him with questions about the unreal and unseen. His raven eyes would pierce my heart and carry my soul to the heavens, my answers lying in the belly of an angel. I bid goodbye to Lucifer as he touched me last evening, I woke up this morning never wanted to feel his breath on my lips again. Another scar on my chest, as I cast my eyes downwards at the multitude of wounds on my body, red and rare they seem to scream back at me in anguish. A wound for every tantrum, every scream, like a parasite it would consume me whole and I would be human no more but a shell of a child. Cold and alone. No one should be alone in this world. My heart beats now for the rush of the wind and the icy breeze as I stood standing staring out at the river Thames, because my world here has lost its meaning as people dissolve me into dust.

Education must provide the opportunities for self-fulfillment; it can at best provide a rich and challenging environment for the individual to explore, in his own way. - Noam Chomsky

The strange ongoing of a little rich girl. It's amazing what goes in the mind of the high and mighty in this world. The world seems to owe them a living, the poor seems to owe their lives to them and the weak minded their pawns. They step on who they want and whatever they want and when rendered useless cast them into the sea of garbage, dead and unwanted. Rich and beautiful, in their hearts I ponder to what ends of the end will they find their happiness and if their material happiness is really all that keeps them going. Selfish little creatures who sap the emotions of men and wield their tantrums like the reaper wield his scythe. Their lives always something new and where ever they go they would leave someone behind. Material and emotional bloodsuckers, who seeks out for their prince charming like the prince seeking out cinderella with the glass shoe in one hand and a blindfold in the other. Then again everyone loves to save a poor pretty little damsel in distress, really appeals...

I feel hot but cold, shivering in the heat of the night. My fever creeps like a thief ready to consume me whole and choke me from behind and steal my sense of warmth. I brace myself as I shudder at the thought of the work I have tomorrow, ready to greet me as the new day dawns and the orangy light-yellow rays of the mid morning sun splashes into my room and add a dash into dreay dull beidge wall that seem to hde a hue of pink. I'm tired Iam but I can't sleep, my eyes will not obey my will, and my mind is buzzed with thoughts and dreams of daily events, of ideas and goals and of endless surprises and disappointments. My friend just told me, what I don't know will not hurt me, till I find out, it's ten fold. How true his words, I went for my class to night to find a friend sitting outside with two of her dogs and I asked her about the third one, my favourite one. Appreantly the dog went missing that very afternoon, I was sad though but I didn't want to show it as she...

I swear sometimes I really feel that people are seriously picking on me, then when I point it out they make it feel like it's my fault. I'm sure it happens to everyone. It is however tremendously annoying. My parents keep egging me to quit, on days like this I really feel like walking away from everyone. I had a friend whom I thought acted like a jerk but he turned around and made it seem like I was the one that was making a big deal out of things. I feel so fucked up seriously. It's been like this for a while and I hate it. It really really sucks, and I hate this impending doom of an attitude that he has. I thought it was seriously not cool what he did to me but he said I made a mountain of of a molehill. I'm really bothered by it, respect my views if you want me to respect yours. This world is just fucking sliding.

I'm in a quirky mood so I'm gonna write a quirky story about Alice and her cat. Alice was suppose to go clubbing with her friends at club carribean but she got off the wrong stop at the train station. She had to squeeze her way through the wondering crowd and find herself a directory that was near by. As she stood in front of the directory, a persian cat with huge white teeth came from behind and wrapped his tail round her feet. He grinned as he looked up at her, bright and confident. He was obviously a big hungry cat that was eyeing Alice's bag of sparkly colourful star candies that she was carrying in her right hand. The huge white cat purred and swirled his white fluffy tail around her little feet ever so gently. It kept purring sweet nothings as it cuddled up beside her. It was an adorable cat no doubt, nice fluffy fur, cute little pink paws and such a big white grin. The cat kept on purring in need of attention. Alice felt sorry for this beautiful lost cat that was pur...

I sat down today and opened some of my older works that I dide 6 months ago and suddenly without a thought I was hit by a bout of ideas for my “works” page for my current website that has been sitting around feeling damp, dull and uninspired from exhaustion. It was odd I have been rather burnt out in terms of ideas for the last couple of months though, for my experimental works. Hopefully, in the next couple of days I would be able to churn out more works and put up my experimental works on my site. It’s been too long since I did that. Longing for silence, in this chaotic senseless environment. Finding solace, finding myself. Searching for time, searching for inspiration, searching in a world that seems to hold nothing for me. Ghostly outstretched hands, empty rooms and hollow screams.

What do you when you feel crushed to the bone? Though I believe we make our own luck I start to doubt myself sometimes, things have been turning their backs on me and flipping out. Just on Friday as I was at MC and about to down Rag my Mac just died on me. Running half hyperventilating I hurried to the Mac service centre to get it check it in fear that I would lose everything in my hard disk. The fear was so real. The disappointment is very real I guess, it’s been a week long of disappointments. Losing on rolls and listening to crap and taking crap from people. Snide remarks were just raining on my weekend. Everyone knows how badly I want to go and study and how much I have been working towards it to make it happen. I have not given up on that idea and I’m still going to work it out, no matter how much it takes. I thought I could study in November, I applied for it and made all the arrangements and lo and behold, now I am unable to take a loan because my guarantor backed out on me. I u...

It seems like such a struggle to change one’s inherent personality. Perhaps because I’m never been one to force a change in myself, I like to sit back and let changes in life lift me up like a little pebble in the stream and push me as I rough and tumble along, perhaps until I take a take a new shape from all the friction that grazed my soul. Well, change can be a positive thing or for some people thoroughly painful and tormenting. It can produce wonderful results or just allow one to slide into the playground of utter depression for trying to find a sense of self in the rather murky depths of sheer despair. Take our everyday remote control, it’s been improved and upgraded so many times, it’s now filled with a zillion redundant buttons that I don’t even need. It’s like a monstrosity sitting on the couch. All I need is to switch channels, but they have buttons for everything from changing views to god knows what they have on the damn remote. Keep it simple. As with life, I don’t underst...

If I lie here, will you lie with me and just forget the words* -snow patrol Just sometimes I ponder with my little brain about the overrated need to communicate verbally in a relationship. Yes verbal communication is important, but too much of can also be rather overbearing. A common understanding is important between individuals, but the silent appreciation of good company is certainly as important or more then the words that stream ceaselessly from our lips. Perhaps, it could just be me, I value a good hug and human warmth, a bit more then the words that flow downstream from the river of the human soul. Mama’s going for an operation tomorrow, I hope all would be well. A friend of mine just left Singapore, just want to say a big Thank You for helping me out the last couple of months and I promise to value dkp! Haha.

It’s been the longest twenty-two days of the year, with transition so alien I feel like I’m walking in a dream. Bittersweet memories fill my soul, like the taste of dark chocolate on my lips. I have learnt to let go once again and adapt at a pace that I too am greatly amazed. Some individuals take years to change, and struggle to adapt to new situations and instances, I say just let it flow. Like all women I do worry and as you can see am affected by the change but we all move on eventually as with all things. There must be change for better things to walk into our life unfortunately. I’m planning a get away to London for a week to discuss some work and to meet old friends. Probably pick up my plane tickets next week. There are just so many things to work on and so many projects to carry out but I just can’t afford the time to spend time on the numerous projects at hand. I was a total grouch in the office yesterday due to the lack of sleep and today with only four hours of sleep, I fee...

I peered in to mystical waters A pool of a thousand tears With Souls silently withering in the corners of the room The world like a beast, consumes our sorrows and pain

A friend told me that people in Korea believed that you can die from hypothermia if you have the fan in the room. I laid in the chilly room in the middle of the night and flat on my back I opened my eyes. The outline of the puppet in the corner of the room seemed almost menacing. I felt a bit lost though in the dark of the room, I wondered why I was finding myself just half awake in the middle of the night, in the strange darkness of the room. As with the changes in life sometimes I find myself wondering what I am doing and where I am, and if I’m going to fuck up my life as life changes and if I'm suppose to feel at home at the moment. I listen to the chirping crickets and the soft twirling of the fan and huge a pillow and died in my sleep. I'm glad with how things are working out though but still rather lost about where I should belong.

Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic. - Anais Nin

This coming month seemed to be the brightest in this bleak and gloomy year, I pick up a groovy fabulous new black Ipod and got the rhythm back in my soul. It’s one of those chic Ipod video and it’s really impressive though, I played a couple of trailers on it to view and the visuals were crystal clear and sharper then my old fuzzy 14 inch television in my sombre attic. I was devastated when my old Ipod disappeared mysteriously. I got new comfy shoes too, check out the picture. The tongue of the shoe comes in 5 different colours and 5 different laces, all packed in a customisation kit. It’s fantastic stuff, totally rad. I queued up with the guys last Friday to get these shoes and they are certainly worth every minute of it. I ding 60 as well on Warcraft and got to know some really fun guys to quest and do instances with. The guild guys are great as well, right now I’m trying to figure out what how to respec my little priest when the time comes. She’s currently still shadowspec though. I...

I found this crazy article about Chuck Norris man. Never been a fan of his though, but this article is so fucking funny that if I don't share it I ought to be shot. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead punched his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard. Before email was invented Chuck Norris would attach messages to kittens and roundhouse kick them. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway. Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play...

A friend send me this crazy meme so inbetween of constructing websites and singing, I thought I put this down for the heck of it. In this lifetime I have .... Said 'I love you' and meant it Hugged a tree Done a striptease Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise Slept under the stars Changed a baby's diaper Watched a meteor shower Given more than you can afford to charity Looked up at the night sky through a telescope Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment Taken a sick day when you're not ill Asked out a stranger Screamed as loudly as you possibly can Held a snake Enacted a favorite fantasy Taken an ice cold bath Ridden a roller coaster Fit three weeks miraculously into three days Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment Had two hard drives for your computer Loved your job for all accounts Taken care of someone who was shit faced Had amazing friends and still have Been h...

Orange light cascade down on upon the playground illuminating the mental handles on the swing, and the dark blue mental poles, that lay silent in the still of the night. I listen intently to the music in my ears as I walked to the lonely playground and dump my faux leather bag beside the swing. My fingers trace the cold mental chains. It’s been ages since I’ve been on a swing, I sat edgily on the swing and shift my body weight forward and backwards with my legs outstretched. Swinging up and down with my ipod plugged in and watching the lights of the cars, which sometimes pass me by. It’s been a tsunami of a month, changes, too many, too fast, more deaths then life. I’m glad I have had much support from friends around me really. I have to say I have some friends that really hang in when the cracks on the wall start growing in time, and with me being me just had to give it that little push and shove. Watching the wall collapse at my feet, crumbling within seconds and choking on the dust ...

I heard a girl whisper, thought no very soft because I heard it, “I would give you the world if you were mine”, to which her partner said, “but your world is too big for me and I cannot contain it”.

She’s been sitting at the river, lost in the mirror of herself, watching the flowers bloom and die, feeling the soft grass under her feet. Her heart had been silent as she sits along the river that has brought her to life. Father time has come and gone and she’s getting older, sitting here alone with the caress of the cold water, licking the tips of her toes on the chilly windy nights. Her hair no longer cropped and spunky but long and lush, her eyes long for the world. She lay back and look at the stars in the sky and wonder, in the midst of a silent conversation between the universe and her. She wonders if she could find a home one day, in the darkness, among the stars. She has been sitting here for so long and so alone, in the dark of the night, with the crickets for company and the lush green grass that holds her. She lay tired wondering where is the beginning and where is the end. Is the beginning going to be the end of it all?

Stranger days, stranger ways. Life has been bittersweet of late, of little bites of joy and small pangs of sadness and disappointments. It’s been good so far, I hardly blog when I’m elated since I’m too busy trying to make sure that feeling doesn’t vanish in a snap, but slowly fade away as I lavish in the loving warmth of happiness. Been busy, went to the beach, meeting people, working and spending whatever time I have levelling my character. People around me are changing right before my eyes, and I know now that I certainly don’t feel like the same person I was before. Some are trying to make the change, some have been slowly morphing with circumstance and time, some felt catch in the whirlwind of change and are trying to make a change. Bless your soul, if you really think you are in control. I got a hurtful message and a call the other day and that really bothered me, made me feel small and owned. Like a little creature on a lease, a pet that misbehaved. I chose to hold my tongue and...

Have you ever felt like you had it all then, have it slip gently out of your fingers piece by piece like petals sitting in your open palms dancing on molecules of air and out of sight. It’s an awful feeling really these things, having to watch it ride out into the wind. I met a strange lady in the lift with a rather queer accent and an awfully cheery look on her face, she seemed so surprised to see me and told exclaimed, "you are so lucky you have one guy to see you up and one guy to see you home." I'm wondering when I would finally be at home.

Some days seems more alien to me then others of late, this year has brought about much change in my life. I woke up sniffling and feeling like my world was a sound room, as everything sounded hollow in my head. People around me seemed cold to touch at times, their tone of voice and manner as distant as glacier swimming at the lips of the Antarctic. A numbing and chilly experience. My work seems mundane and my drive at times, I had thought had been diminished but somehow it prevails with the dawning of each new day. Little changes are happening around me and I can feel my world evolving beneath me, much to my despair it seemed very much beyond my control. Can’t complain though because nothing horrifically negative has manifested of late for a while, have my dose of occasional bad dreary days that’s about it. Just have to keep walking. I have walked far enough that I think the ghost of the past have been left behind and perhaps; deep down I hope they are very much buried. Sometimes, just...

Do you believe in instrumented incidents? I’m still wondering about that myself, sometimes perhaps sometimes, I suspect if something or someone else is picking me up and flinging me into a tiny stage with the curtains drawn. It’s odd these things; I was speaking to a friend last night about the people and events in my life for the last four months of this eventful year. A tsunami brought about by a quake, time and time again people would walk in and out of my lives that leave these domino effects, always triggering a wave of unforeseen events that radically shape the rest of my days. It’s odd these people, I could count a few. They all have come and gone, like colourful characters in my life, so utterly amusing, where they lead me I never knew until it hits disaster. They are all the same but with different names. The same feeling, different faces, it’s odd that our lives would collide, time and time again.

I sat across you, wishing you would move ahead, I don’t want to know your secrets, I don’t want to know your pain, I wish you would give it up and start anew. Your pain lay heavy in my hands but you know I am only a passenger, a quiet entity, a ghost who would just pass you by, watching and whispering empty words that so gently float by. I have seen the colours of the world turn and evolve; the leaves dance their last three times over. I can’t take your hand and I never will, I’ll remember the sweet memories and the your everlasting smile. The moments of love, laughter and tears, I’ll never forget them though we will forever be apart. Please move on, with every tug at my heart you make me falter and slip, I’m no more that child you met all so long ago. Not the same child you met at the light of the moon, under the stars that night. I pray that you may find a soul with much beauty within who will love you till the end of time. Who would love you much more then the love we had for each ...

I had a strange dream on Friday night. I dreamt of a man and I woke up feeling like there’s still a little bit of his taste in my mouth as I left the room, the next morning. In the dream, his scent lingers in the air as I run my fingers though the murals on these strange Aztec walls that surrounds me. I could feel the roughness of the stone murals against my fingertips as I trace the alien pattern so slowly across the wall. I walked along the paths with greenery sprouting along the pavements on both sides to a musky dark dingy prayer room with stone slabs and cracked murals that have fallen. He was there and lifted me on a niche in the wall and caresses gently me for hours. His soft touch roll down the side of my face and his fingers on my lips. When I woke up, his face remained in my mind a blur, it was a cruel dream. I wish I could see who it was.

I like walking home, I could walk on and on if I could just watch the world go by, listening to the universe evolve and taking in the different scents that embrace my senses. The week’s been a mess with highs and lows but that’s just life isn’t it? A rollercoaster of events that whiz right by; like a chaotic mix of emotions, drifting from sheer happiness to pain to boredom to sheer ecstasy. Crazy noisy one moment, total silence the next. Crazy couple of days, really, I had new threads yesterday and that really got me up and running, can’t wait for the upcoming Damien Rice concert on Thursday though.

Please don’t go crazy if I tell you the truth. Your words sound like demands and the thoughts seemed half-truths. Like a pigeon in a hole, please take it easy, you only see the darkness in a well. You keep stepping over lines that are drawn, which you don’t know at all. Do you know what you want in life, when you take a stand, do you want your voice to be heard or do you want your demands to be met? People are heard all the time, but lives are our own, we all appreciate your love, but like a parent to a child, we all know they love us but our stories are different, both written and told. Respect the lines that are drawn, we are but humans and not saints, respect the roads we take and the lives we live. Anger and pain, no one really cares if you are fuming or crying, unless you reach out your hand. All the madness in your heart and in your head, no one would know and no one would care when you are alone. So does one really have to go to the place of madness when demands are not met, you...

She was beautiful inside and out, I loved her dearly, more then this life of mine. I could hold her everyday and kiss her good morning at the dawn of each new day. In the afternoons I would listen to her talk for hours and watch as she built me a dollhouse made of paint and paper. Lovingly she filled each room with little wooden and plastic furniture, so small that they were a third the size of my palm. I loved her I really do. With time the dollhouse crumpled and collapsed, the furniture had all disappeared. She has crumbled under the weight of time and her soul no longer the carefree delightful spirit she has been. Her conversations now limited and though she remains as sweet as the day I met her, however her mind has been constricted, her thoughts and conversations limited and no longer can open discussions be met. Now, ideas are just being shovelled down one’s throat with each spoken word. I miss her, now she’s just a shell of herself. Her world now revolves around three specific t...

I woke up from my afternoon and smooth the cease sheets on my bed, feeling empty and numb I ponder if my soul is seeking some sort of deliverance or perhaps a sense of justice, or maybe some closure. It was an odd sort of afternoon; I spend most of my time questing to get my heart away from the strange notions that occasionally dive in and swim around the pool of my mind. As well as the constant talk of religion and marriage from my mother, I see my self taking deep breaths and focusing on my task at hand when she begins her never ending conversations, that are actually a few hours long. I love her to bits and bits I really do but this talk is getting weary and tiresome for me and rather unbearable at times. I decided that I had to take a breather in the evening, the night was cool and stepping out of the house was a refreshing feel, taking a stroll to Starbucks for a cup of tea and a good read. I’m trying to juggle between Milan K. “Life is elsewhere”, and Bill Bryson, “short history...

I miss the feeling of standing in the rain, with the world’s tears pouring down on me from the heavens. My clothes slowly soaking in the rain, from a cool cotton shirt to a sloppy cold clingy damp cloth that slaps itself again the skin. I use to stand, with the rain running down my face as I look up into the anger filled, thunderous cloudy sky, my blue and white uniform drench and dripping as I splash in the puddles and watch huge puddles give way to the weight of my feet and swim back again into place, as it once were. Little ripples made by the falling droplets always fascinate me as I watch the constant creative patterns made by nature’s very hands, as they mould them into these ever moving images of art. I always wanted a pair of beautiful red boots with flowers painted at the sides since I was a little girl. My dad use to wear huge big boots and lumber round the house with me on his shoulders when my house floods in. He never puts me down, and I wanted to be put down so my toes c...

There are some scents that I’m just undeniably attracted to. Like the smell of Tangerines, Satsuma, Spring Orchid is the latest collection of scents that I have been drawn to like a moth to a disgustingly bright white fluorescent bulb in the blinding darkness of the night. I just walk all the way up and go “nice perfume” and for that brief second lavish in the scent of the unquestionable seductive scent of the perfume and drinking in the eccentric natural high brought about by that one whiff. The smell, captured in my mind like a Polaroid sinks into the depths of my mind. They, the media, researchers and what not scientist that sit around and think with their irrefutable wrinkled brains, mentioned; as seen in the almost far-fetched untruth of the local papers, that people are attracted to individuals of the opposed immune system. The belief is that according to the natural flow of things; humans, or women in particular would uncontrollably in a biological sense pick a mate that would e...

Brewerkz has the best cheese sticks that I have ever had in my entire 24 years of my life. Huge crispy fried croquette stuffed with an entire wad of melting cheese that’s just warm and chewy and it’s just oozing out the fried croquette shell when you break it into half. It’s bloody good stuff. Everyone should have a fried cheese stick. The chicken wings are not bad but grilled chicken wings still have to be the ones at Newton Food Centre, the ones there is just amazing. I stood staring out into the city lights from above last night and I thought the view was just breathtaking in a very urban sort of way. Rows of orange and white lights lit up the tiny buildings below and they glowed a tangerine orange, It was a beautiful sight, breathtaking in a sense, considering that I live in a little attic and the view outside is the white washed wall of the house behind and the roof of my house. I felt real yesterday after a long time, it was strange, life always seem so surreal, waking up, walki...

I stood alone and stared out at the silent crowd of melancholy audience as the lush velvet red curtains fell. I stared out into the sea and forgot my lines, words just failed me completely, my mind just cold emptiness, my body crumpled into a heap, the walls around me start to bleed and the props around me fold themselves into halves and into smaller halves and into tiny heaps of boxes around me. The faceless audience stare back at me and I see everyone and no one. It’s just a bad day, another strange day where hollowness engulfs my soul and I walk around tired and listless and quiet. I could walk forever into nowhere into the mouth of the night and sleep in the belly of darkness, cuddled in the womb of emptiness. No time for anger, don’t be angry with me it hurts already, a thousands apologies, a billion tears, as the sea washes up to the beach, don’t be mad at me, don’t be disappointed, all I want is for happiness. For my quiet listless nature I’m sorry, for the soulless eyes and em...

I’m still waiting for the server maintenance to be done for Warcraft, really can’t wait to get back on and level my character. It’s an addictive game no doubt. As I lay with my feet kicked back and my tummy warming my sheets, I dream about giving morning rubs, midnight cuddles and pancakes for breakfast. I turn around only to have emptiness beside me with gifts no one to share with. Such a pity. The cold sheets stare blankly at me with such calmness, unperturbed by the wind. Sometimes, just sometimes I wonder if that would even materialise though. I’m such a sceptic when it comes to relationships. Could be the sheer though of constant disappointments coupled with my already low expectations that causes me to lose much faith in love. I would still like to, one day give midnight cuddles, morning rubs and have buttered banana pancakes for breakfast with someone whose hand I can hold. Till then I guess I have to get over my fear or hurt and start learning to love. As for now I can only wai...

Down with some viral flu today, really tiring stuff. Been feeling the ache in my muscles as I dragged myself down from the attic this early morn. Been having a fever since last night and it hasn't gone away for the last 12 hours so feeling the shivers and fatigue. Thank goodness for the company of my sister if not the walk to the docs seemed almost like forever. She such a doll that girl, accompanying me and fixing up drinks for me and such. These little things really makes me appreciate her so much more. Anyway, I'll be wondering in duskwood if you want to find me this very day.

I gleefully dodged commercial love day after drenching myself in a day swimming with work and the hussle and bustle of a new love in my life, a spanking new ibook. My first entry on my wonderful white-washed wagon of a beauty. She sits soulfully without a hum as I tap so gently on the keyboard, trying to get acustomed to the strangely alien feel of the rubbery keyboard protector or so it is named by its geek of a creator. Dashing past the sights of flowers a hundred times their worth only to have them all wither and die in a few days is such a romantic tragedy. To live only to die another day. That sounds like a James Bond Flick doesn't it. I love flowers, I honestly do but only when they are potted and have their roots well grown into the soil, not chomped and snapped up by a slice of cold hard steel and wrapped in inhumanly cold translucent plastic. In a matter of minutes flung around like a raggerty anne doll across the dusty streets of Orchard Road; ironically not much like the...

24 has come and gone, it is a amazing how 365 days have just flickered pass me in a wave of a hand. Gathering the memories of cheer and looking back on the hurt and the fears, I take a step forward in life and leave all the memories behind me. Another year another chapter, I still have not complete my journal though it has been a year now. I was rather surprise at myself, my leather bound journal, still sits beside my bed, sullen and unperturbed by the passing of daily matters. Yes, I talk as if it is alive and well. I keep it close to me; it journeys with me almost every day of my life in the past year. Always sitting and waiting in my bag for me to pen another chapter, to fill in the nitty gritty details of my strange presence in this world. Recalling the number of Muji 0.38 pens that have totally inked themselves out just filling the pages, seems like a dozen or so. This year celebrations were sweet, having a quiet dinner at Brewerkz by the river with my close friends, good company ...

Feeling the rain, I listened to the sound of the howling wind around me. I pull my coat closer and listen. The empty sky grey and lonesome, the rain cold on my lips. Brother wind dances around embracing me in his cold chilly grasp. I gasped for a mouthful of air, my lungs feel a pang coldness sinking in and taking form. I walk on through the soft light rain and the strange dull wind that has changed its tune, turning lifeless and dreary. Falling all around me they tap me so softly like a million empty kisses on my shoulders and on my hands. So gentle caressing me. Ask me again why I love walking in the soft gentle rain and I would tell you the same. Stop, listen and feel the rain.

I saw the grinch on the train today, except he was not really green. He sat not too far away and he had no chin. I look in awe of this undoubtly strange man, who sat with his face scrounged up like a wad of newspapers in hand. He stared very hard at the passing scene of trees and blocks of cascading buildings, of vast spaces of blue and green. I can’t exactly say he got his chin up, because he ain’t got no chin to begin with so I guess heads up would do. He was just another strange man I saw on the train looking rather strange and lanky and sitting around all dressed in blue.

Been down with a horrid viral infection. Been coughing and getting the shivers the whole day. I wonder if this is what it would be like when I get old feeble and grey. It's a sense of helpessness type of feeling that wants to sink in but I'm always trying to jump to my feet and running around in an effort to carry our some new task. It's a crazy push pull effect leaving me utterly exhausted at the end of the day, collasping into a heap in the bed and leaving the world behind till morn. Didn't realize how attached I have become to Wow, been thinking of it all the way home from work, but alas, it was much too late into the night to be looking for a Lan shop. I would probably only be abe to squeeze in half an hour of my time before the shop close its shutters in my face and kick my arse out of the shop. My medication is staring at me in the eye right now, the many coloured pills which so in a leathal second could send me shipped off to the land of the sandman. Turning a bl...

No expectations, no disappointments. That's what I try so hard to stick by, but naturally some expectations would arise with occasions and in various individuals of certain hierachy in life. As with expectations of lovers, parents and siblings. I try to keep my expectations minimal in life. It helps to keep things brighter in a sense when things get horrifically disappointing. I have this searing image of my friend's disappointed look when he heard the news, he was far more devastated then I ever was. All I did was grin and gave him a cheery smile and went down to the Lan shop by myself to game. People do that I told him, you shouldn't expect too much. Disappointment is part and parcel of life, he seemed so wounded because of the entire situation, he knew I was looking forward to it for weeks. Perhaps it was a blessing in disguise. I suppressed a cough and put on my jacket and headed down to Bugis to play Wow alone in a dingy lan shop in a corner of Liang Seah Street. I di...

I never really hear sometimes, words just swim by and around and they take a cartwheel round my brain. I don't always pay attention to everything people say. Sometimes I'm listening to the thoughts in my head. It's strange. Like now, They are just swimming in my head reminding me of the horrid week and how I should just go and play Wow and slay some wolves. Think I would do that tonight. Go slay some wolves. I feel so much better when I'm playing Wow, just running around and undertaking quest. Beats listening to people talking about nonsensical rubbish like relationships and love. It's all really a lot of bull. People don't really like you for who you are honestly, they just like who you can be to them. That's life, face it without the make up and the music. The thoughts of distrust and voyage sinks into my head and my heart, it would be a while before I forget. It's hard to forget these things. It's like a little scar, I pick up little things in lif...

For those who don't believe in me and take matters into your own hands. Fuck you. Don't tell me how much you love me because if you don't trust in me then there's nothing left but empitness.

Don't ask me where I am going Or where I've been Those who tell don't know And those who know don't tell I may not ever make it home That's a chance I have to take Ain't picking up, well, that's the last time I'm opening any doors for anyone. It's been a bad week for me, actually bad would be an understatement, when I thought things were looking up, everything collapse like an avalanche into the villages below and burying every single individual in sight. A grave misunderstanding and an equally painful ending to a sweet morning melody. Good things just don't happen to me ya, I have to stop kidding myself now. This world leaves no space for mistakes, much less for misunderstandings. Speak the truth, shame the devil. I spoke the truth and the world collapse around me. The only key item I ask for in life is trust. Trust me. Trust my heart and trust my judgment. If one loses trust then you have lost all love and respect for me. I think this coming bi...

Okay all is quiet now, things seemed to have settled a bit. Was throwing Spooky around and utilising his holy sqeek technology to relieve some stress. Nuts. Wrote pages and pages in my journal and polished off Meditations, a book i borrowed. Walked for 45 mins in a heels. Breathe. Did some cooking, watch the King of Cocaine try and survive the last hour of his life on Discovery Channel. Stone. Tried to look for some stars. Listen to My Space Holiday a million times over.

A cup of hot chocolate, a novel and time alone. A time to pen my thoughts and look out through the glass panels, as the night descends and the street begin to adorn itself with lights. It's been just 3 days but it seems so much more then I can take. The last 4 years of my life seem to hit back at me again and again through the intervals and time alone with each turn. Kill my memories. Tomorrow shall be a day of silence and solitude. Dancing to my favourite song silencing the war in me. It's never fair, and I never expect people to care, I have to get my life right. To remain the person that I want to stay. To never cry, to never get upset. With no expectations, I should expect no disappointments in life. Stuff each and every memory into stacks and stacks of envelopes, I push them into my cupboard and hope the viciousness would stay out of sight. Time for silence and solitude and chocolate. I have to see this through.