It has been a long time…where blogging was famous…
Checking on the link of blogs who I linked to, many had "moved out" of blogs.

Needed a venture to off-load some of my thoughts as it causes me to have insomnia ever since school holidays started. There's a lot of things that had happened and somehow, it does occupies my brain which caused my brain activities to be "active" when I'm supppose to go to bed.

But as school starts to reopen in a few more days, I'm unsure if I could keep on blogging as some factors had to be considered -
for example:
1. whether I'm tired or not
2. Whether im lazy or not
3. Work matters
4. Korean drama dose every evening
5. etc.

Anyway, after my first job…was jobless for about 6 - 8 months before landed to a job related to IT… Like some people say, kalau da diploma dalam bahagian IT, rezeki mesti disitu juga. But, i proved the sayings wrong.

Because I landed in another field instead. Partly, because in my wishlist I wanted to land in a secure job.

Thou I dislike that the environment is always the same from first job to second job tp current job, bottomline - its better to have bonus than no bonus at all.

Somehow, I felt that wherever I go, my welfare isnt taken care of.

Wait…! What am I doing this early in the morning??

Always not able to sleep back after subuh prayers. As I'm typing away some random stuff, my eyes finally felt tired and thought some winks will do.

The only irony part is that if I were to sleep now, I need to wake up in about an hour's time so that I could prepare my clothes since we are going to grandma's home today. Why?

Because it's raya today…
Um…
Actually it's xmas today…
Dad said that we haven't visit grandma in the longest time…

Let me see if I'm able to catch some 40 winks…

As a brand new year approaches within an hour's time or so, I can still recall what had happened for the past 1 year. Lots of heart-aches, tears, joy, laughter - whether good memories or bad like the time where I had to spend my birthday alone, which was my least unexpected moment that eventually made me think that not everyone's words are meant to be trusted at times.

2010 had been a challenging year for me and I wasn't really liking it that much.

I had officially moved from my workplace where I spent the last 2 years. Lots of frustration, grumbles, joy, etc. The kids made my day most of the time, thou at times they do see my angry side towards them. When I woke up in the morning for the final day of 2010, i was feeling quite melancholy. It made me really think twice whether I wanted to move on or not. Thou I have my new job, which hopefully brings me new joy and never ending patience, I still miss working in the previous workplace. Thou I can't stand my ex-boss by making me do things or making me leaving work much more longer than my working hours, still.. I don't know. Perhaps just a few people really made me change my thinking not everyone over there are just as bad.

I'll be much more busy with my new job. More research and stuff, therefore will be online social networking much more lesser. Which I'm looking forward to it. May I'm given lots of blessings from our Creator for the path im leading to.

And since I've always been disappointed with the wound on my heart, I hope that the year ahead will shine on me. And till then, I will put my whole heart in my career till its back as a whole.

I'm feeling pretty weary right now. Geez, didn't have enough sleep last night. Today (according to Islamic Calendar) is a brand new year. Woot ('',)

Honestly, i tried my very best to move on but I can't. Whenever I'm alone, whenever I see couples outside, whether they are just couples, engaged, married, I do felt jealous. Jealous that I have no other half. No matter what I do to keep myself busy, I'm always being reminded.. It hurts on the inside.

And no matter how much or many times I said that I've forgotten about my past, I felt that I had let myself down because I know thats not the truth. Yes, I do hate him very much. But I find myself more vulnerable and ignorant with that fact. I hate his mom and family, yet I feel jealous that I'm not the one being chosen.

No matter how I try to think positive, it will come and haunt me. And I think I'm clapping on one side too when it comes to Andre. I know he's still not over his ex. Neither do I. Initially I find that it might be a good idea to be with him because from what I see that the love he had for his ex is so great. But when I found out over my research on guys who can't get over their ex, it heartbreaks me even more.

I just don't want history to repeat again. To be with someone and then ended up I'm not chosen again. I'm honestly tired with all this. Therefore, I know 'hoping' has long been gone from my dictionary. The more I hope to be with someone I like or love, the more further that person is from my grasps. And I know, this is something I can't ignore.

I don't even know if I ever will be able to make it to marriage life, to have kids and eventually to have grandchild, to live till I die with someone who I call husband. (ok, I know this sounds kinda desperate. sigh) I used to enjoy attending weddings but as I started to incline to the age of 30s in a few years time..I find that I should try to attend less weddings. People will ask and ask when it's your turn to get married. And the thought of it, does give me goosebumps, not because of marriage life but because of what I might respond.

Besides that, I hate people poking their nose into my personal matter. Like who I'm with, who I'm meeting with, where I go..Especially when they are not really blood related to me. I'm not your damn kid for goodness sake. And I know how to take care of myself. Being nosey will not let you have a sneak peek of my life. What I wanna do, with who I go out with, whether I'm involve in pre-marital sex or not, it's just none of your bloody business. You have your own personal affairs to handle and quit being nosey.

But some people just don't get the point. I just don't get it what will they actually gain or do when they poke their nose in other people's life. Satisfaction? Gossip? Bah.. Call yourself an adult and mature and wiser but in fact you're into childish act. Isn't poking into other people's personal life is what usually kids will do? Because kids will always ask and ask eventhough they will not give you any help or find a solution or something.

Back to my ranting, nobody truly understand how I really feel. At times, I prefer to be quiet or very quiet. I rather tell on my own accord than having someone poking in my affairs.

I'm just tired. Thou I know besides hoping, we have to have faith, I don't think hoping ever exist in my life again. Seeing that I have difficulties in forgetting my past and to actually move on and stop being jealous and envy other people's happiness instead of pursuing mine, I'm not sure if I'm able to make it in a short period of time. At times I felt that I wanted to cry till there's no tears left coming put of my eyes, or even to scream or lock myself in a room, away from other people and nobody knows my whereabouts. But I know these are the signs of running away from reality. I'm aware of that. And I'm not practically insane.

Even if people say its best to let out what you're feeling inside or it might eat you, doesn't mean they have solution to it. I know it helps to make yourself a bit better. But it only last for awhile. But in searching for happiness, its always a tiring and hard journey. Especially when you encounter someone who doesn't respond to your feelings. I know even with tears, you can't simply move someone to accept you. Because when that happens, usually its not because of love, but because of symphaty. Sigh. And we can't force that person to love you when that person doesn't have feelings for you.

And I also know that we need to have patience when searching for our blissful happiness. These are what usually others will consult those who are feeling down. But when you're in the situation, its impossible to implement it.

3 more weeks till end of the year as well as my current job. Yes yes, I'm moving on and out of that workplace and hopefully im bliss with abundance of patience for my next job.. and hopefully next year will be a better year since im not having a great year this year, as its been a rough year for me.

I'm not really someone who's that good with words especially when it comes into beating around the bush especially when I'm more of the action person instead of a wordy person as I believe actions are much more louder than words. That might explain why I don't really post much shout out as I don't find it necessary to get ppl to comment my shoutout. To me, those who keep on posting countless shoutouts within a day, are just trying to gain popularity.

Some people really believe that jumping into conclusion or accusing or assuming will bring them the truth.. But as long as these 3 or rather 2 is under assuming, it actually brings disaster or further misunderstandings, thus whatever relationship you have with the other party will cause it to be more strain and apparently you'll be more distant.

But people who are big-headed will always think that they are right based on their own assumption instead of finding out the truth. Same goes to those who believe in one-sided party instead of listening to both parties to hear 2 different sets of "stories". Yes, being the middle person, you might encounter difficulty to find out which side is telling the truth. It's because you're not the one who's encountering the issue. But the liar, always have people to back them up, because they are good in twisting their words, thus making ppl sympathy with the liar and believing the liar.

Same thing apply to ppl who's trying to get others to loan money to them. They will cook up some sympathy stories, make others sympathize them and others will then part their money to help. Whenever they are in desperate needs, they will always give assuring promises that they will pay accordingly. But when the lender keeps quiet, the debtor will try all means not to touch the issue of money. A very clever tactic. Doesn't mean the lender keep his or her silence, means that he or she forgets about the lending of money. It's just based out of courtesy that the lender doesnt want to spoil the relationship.

But usually, you can always see that the debtor will always have money to buy new stuff, enjoy good food or going for entertainment instead of saving up to pay the debt first. A debt, is always a debt. Be it written or verbally. Because, even if its verbally, the main witness of lending-borrowing money, etc is actually Allah.

For instance, ppl who seek for zakat funds, there are people who come in cars, having latest handphone models, but asking for zakat funds. It's such a disgrace to see ppl who claim that they do not have enough money to live, but in fact they do not have enough money to fulfill their lavish lifestyle. To them, its a necessity to live in style.