to be updated.
(not a good idea to write with sweet choya running in my bloodstream.)
edited: night of 28 December 2008
So i have decided to postpone my big plans. and im now embarking on a 10-month preparation for my new plan. it might just be procrastination, but it feels kinda...cosmic. the repulsion and then the following inertia. feels like ive got unfinished business, too.
i was very sure there was alot of things i wanted to touch on for this topic... but maybe it was just the choya. been resorting to the chardonnay and choya in the fridge to take care of my insomnia. i seem to sleep at the most impossible hours and the most inappropriate places.
i dont like crowds. are you aware? crowds of strangers, at least. the moment a crowd falls into my line of vision, my brain fogs up and screams for home. and im not even exaggerating. (yes, i know i tend to do that. im the worst drama student ever.) i shut off, and my excitability drops. i get really irritable, and i get on people's nerves.
but im greedy. i dont want to miss out christmas. so i egged my mom on to cook a christmas feast, and bugged my family for days. and it panned out. i didnt do any of the planning. sil and mom took care of the matter, inviting the extended family. lovely food. mac & cheese, turkey, honey baked ham, pork knuckles, wine. im quite sure i missed something. so that was christmas thursday.
i sprained my neck and back on friday, putting me through a series of torture at the osteo's. i think the osteo was a little overzealous when he came to me. he very probably applied all the instruments of torture he had available in his big two-unit clinic on me. and all the while i was lying facedown, breathing through a towel. i shudder at that thought. maybe im not made for childbirth after all.
got a log cake for my angels and they loved it. couldnt join the colleagues for lww's farewell dinner at cedele's cos i was too sprained. so i went home after work, and we had steamboat to celebrate sil's birthday! yum. then we swam dry for a few hours, before mom joined us at the table, ending the game at 5am.
5 hours later, i stirred to vera's beautiful voice, but remained motionless for the good part of two hours. after which i had to get up, ready, and out to meet my 2 gofs for ktv at shenton way. too many oldies. i need to grow up. had dinner at delifrance with zhen, and we concluded that we like the food better than swenson's. i slept the entire ride home after she alighted. and was wide awake upon reaching home. crap. so that was my eventful weekend.
and im craving a half-glass of wine. but nooo. i think the limit was three servings a week, not each day. im so overdoing it. maybe i should check the figures again and maybe i'll be relieved of my pain.
oh help. i need to sleep. the bio-essence that mm recommended is good, but it doesnt go to my brain.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Thursday, November 27, 2008
宇宙小毛球
银河是宇宙的大街
天上有繁星点点
希望是挡雨的屋檐
让梦看见蓝天
辛苦的汗水最宝贵
一滴换一种体会
心和心反复地排练
好戏正要上演
和世界面对面
是爱和信念
每一步踏得更坚决
一路上你和我走在同一边
冷漠的人群是阴天
热情的心是晴天
愉快的天色是蓝天
我站在你身边
天上有繁星点点
希望是挡雨的屋檐
让梦看见蓝天
辛苦的汗水最宝贵
一滴换一种体会
心和心反复地排练
好戏正要上演
和世界面对面
是爱和信念
每一步踏得更坚决
一路上你和我走在同一边
冷漠的人群是阴天
热情的心是晴天
愉快的天色是蓝天
我站在你身边
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
performativity.
i have a huge urge to quote, and then cite sources. but urges are meant to be curbed.
i was catching up on my news today, when i came across this: http://www.straitstimes.com/Breaking%2BNews/World/Story/STIStory_305851.html which reminds me of Untraceable.
Long before media was born, performativity existed. And it really seems like we react gracefully to changes. Almost as seamless as evolution, just like how we got over the shock of the tv and how the once alien object immediately became indispensable the next generation.
i was catching up on my news today, when i came across this: http://www.straitstimes.com/Breaking%2BNews/World/Story/STIStory_305851.html which reminds me of Untraceable.
Long before media was born, performativity existed. And it really seems like we react gracefully to changes. Almost as seamless as evolution, just like how we got over the shock of the tv and how the once alien object immediately became indispensable the next generation.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
tradtion or sense? or is it not necessarily a choice?
Compromising traditional values seems to be an inevitable side effect of progress.
I was on the train ride home with a colleague who has recently been proposed to. She asked if I believed in premarital sex. Said she read somewhere that 1 in 2 Singaporean women does it. So she eyed me, since she didnt.
Then we talked about male virgins. I said I dont think there are many around, and we were both surprised at how different our answers were to "How many males do you think are virgins in this cabin and the two neighbouring ones?" Zero and more than half. Apparently, two people who work in the same environment can have very different perceptions of the world around us.
Two faces came to mind, both of whom swear by celibacy and seem a little over confident about their boyfriends being virgins. And both Catholic. I wonder if there's any correlation. But I digress.
My conversation with my friend from Chicago today steered from 'friends with benefits' to premarital sex. And he mentioned he thinks you should be intimate before you get married. I've considered his point before today, and decided it was valid, especially in his context. Sexual compatibility.
"What if you get married, and realise that you're not sexually compatible? Marriage is serious to me, and many marriages here fail."
I guess if I wear my granny's hat, I will say that no honourable marriage will fail because of sex. But I'm not my granny. When society stops offering comfort in the form of stability, affection rises exponentially in value.
Well, compatibility in that department is not a big problem in my context. Yet.
I was on the train ride home with a colleague who has recently been proposed to. She asked if I believed in premarital sex. Said she read somewhere that 1 in 2 Singaporean women does it. So she eyed me, since she didnt.
Then we talked about male virgins. I said I dont think there are many around, and we were both surprised at how different our answers were to "How many males do you think are virgins in this cabin and the two neighbouring ones?" Zero and more than half. Apparently, two people who work in the same environment can have very different perceptions of the world around us.
Two faces came to mind, both of whom swear by celibacy and seem a little over confident about their boyfriends being virgins. And both Catholic. I wonder if there's any correlation. But I digress.
My conversation with my friend from Chicago today steered from 'friends with benefits' to premarital sex. And he mentioned he thinks you should be intimate before you get married. I've considered his point before today, and decided it was valid, especially in his context. Sexual compatibility.
"What if you get married, and realise that you're not sexually compatible? Marriage is serious to me, and many marriages here fail."
I guess if I wear my granny's hat, I will say that no honourable marriage will fail because of sex. But I'm not my granny. When society stops offering comfort in the form of stability, affection rises exponentially in value.
Well, compatibility in that department is not a big problem in my context. Yet.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
interdependence.
the belated birthday dinner turned out really well! we had turqish grill at this restaurant along arab street, and it was awesome. or maybe the company made it so. i just remember feeling no pressure and no fear of being judged. i was with people who dont judge. =) such an easy thing. and i remember laughing til my stomach hurt on the way back. i'll never look at angel hair the same way again. =)
im such a child sometimes. too stubborn and insistent on getting what i want, and sulking when i cant. the bad thing is, i hide the frustration to people who can do something about it. so i end up unhappy for awhile. well, the good thing is, i have a horrible memory.
work was crazy on tuesday -- stayed past midnight. The Man took up about an hour of my time though, but it was really enjoyable conversation! i didnt get the idea that he was trying to dig though, cos he was sharing alot more than usual. very interesting chap.
cos of the late night on tuesday, i skipped NUS on wed, but went for a jog cos the sun was beautiful. lola managed only one round, and i had to drag her and shorten my jog cos i was worried about her. ha! but it's true. i'm scared. anyway. i shouldn't be.
i made a new friend! he's so much fun to be around. i blew $50+ at candy empire. lots of peanut butter cups! and a huge glass bottle of jellybeans. not that i eat them, but i know my children like them, and i love the bottle. but i digress. my new friend is quite similar to me in some small ways! i've finally found company for word games! a worthy opponent on word challenge. yay.
im looking forward to movies now though. with that bit of revamp in the office, i need a break. so... Sing To The Dawn, The Coffin, Thunder T??, i'm coming! oh, and i need to watch Mystery Man. but it's an old film. Ben Stiller, here i come! muahaha.
im too tired to make any sense. i havent been able to sleep. ugh. i hate feeling like this.
im such a child sometimes. too stubborn and insistent on getting what i want, and sulking when i cant. the bad thing is, i hide the frustration to people who can do something about it. so i end up unhappy for awhile. well, the good thing is, i have a horrible memory.
work was crazy on tuesday -- stayed past midnight. The Man took up about an hour of my time though, but it was really enjoyable conversation! i didnt get the idea that he was trying to dig though, cos he was sharing alot more than usual. very interesting chap.
cos of the late night on tuesday, i skipped NUS on wed, but went for a jog cos the sun was beautiful. lola managed only one round, and i had to drag her and shorten my jog cos i was worried about her. ha! but it's true. i'm scared. anyway. i shouldn't be.
i made a new friend! he's so much fun to be around. i blew $50+ at candy empire. lots of peanut butter cups! and a huge glass bottle of jellybeans. not that i eat them, but i know my children like them, and i love the bottle. but i digress. my new friend is quite similar to me in some small ways! i've finally found company for word games! a worthy opponent on word challenge. yay.
im looking forward to movies now though. with that bit of revamp in the office, i need a break. so... Sing To The Dawn, The Coffin, Thunder T??, i'm coming! oh, and i need to watch Mystery Man. but it's an old film. Ben Stiller, here i come! muahaha.
im too tired to make any sense. i havent been able to sleep. ugh. i hate feeling like this.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
independence.
i wanted to go for a walk up bukit timah last sunday, but on saturday night my friend cancelled on me. i was rather upset, but i guess it was okay, since we decided to postpone it to the following monday (a few hours from now), and i made up for it by spending the entire day with zhen.
so for the past few days, i couldnt stop thinking about the trip that's happening tomorrow. cos i need some fresh air and a nice walk. but i made a huge mistake. because all the gofs were gonna turn up, i conveniently suggested a throw-in bday meal. something was bugging me at the back of my mind, so i sent out some confirmation texts earlier on, and i got negative replies. i came back from my jog, returned aud's call, and saw zhen's note. i was too confused from the sudden disinterest - i should have noticed the lack of it right from the beginning. it had always been to accommodate me.
i talked to jc, and ranted. that poor guy. i told him i was in a "talk to me like im queen or go away" mood, and he accommodated. i said that i recognised the mistake on my part, and that maybe i should just go on the walk myself if i wanted it so much. so he helped me out with the research and all. such a sweet guy. but i had to flare up at him over something tiny. i wanted to hold a map in my hands and doodle on it, and was wondering if there was gonna be one at the visitor centre. he got the idea that i wanted the map so i wont get lost and kept affirming that there's no way i can lose my bearings there. i just wanted it, and i didnt say anything about getting lost there. whatever the case, im bloody going alone and i just wanted a map. whoever cares whatever it's for? but anyway, i still feel really bad about flaring up at him over such a small thing. im sorry, jc. not like you'll be reading this, but it makes me feel better.
anyway, over the course of ranting, i discovered something. WWDD? she probably wouldnt hide the fact that she's upset, and then her friends will give in, and it'll never happen to her again. i get cancelled on so often cos i allow people to do it to me. i let them. but this is me. i grew up having people tell me that everything won't go my way, and i will never be able to make things happen for me. that i just have to learn to accept them and acclimatise. that is where our difference lies. i havent been brought up to be queen, and i dont do things to encourage people to pamper me.
like i told jc, maybe i'll wake up dropping the idea of the walk. very probable.
so for the past few days, i couldnt stop thinking about the trip that's happening tomorrow. cos i need some fresh air and a nice walk. but i made a huge mistake. because all the gofs were gonna turn up, i conveniently suggested a throw-in bday meal. something was bugging me at the back of my mind, so i sent out some confirmation texts earlier on, and i got negative replies. i came back from my jog, returned aud's call, and saw zhen's note. i was too confused from the sudden disinterest - i should have noticed the lack of it right from the beginning. it had always been to accommodate me.
i talked to jc, and ranted. that poor guy. i told him i was in a "talk to me like im queen or go away" mood, and he accommodated. i said that i recognised the mistake on my part, and that maybe i should just go on the walk myself if i wanted it so much. so he helped me out with the research and all. such a sweet guy. but i had to flare up at him over something tiny. i wanted to hold a map in my hands and doodle on it, and was wondering if there was gonna be one at the visitor centre. he got the idea that i wanted the map so i wont get lost and kept affirming that there's no way i can lose my bearings there. i just wanted it, and i didnt say anything about getting lost there. whatever the case, im bloody going alone and i just wanted a map. whoever cares whatever it's for? but anyway, i still feel really bad about flaring up at him over such a small thing. im sorry, jc. not like you'll be reading this, but it makes me feel better.
anyway, over the course of ranting, i discovered something. WWDD? she probably wouldnt hide the fact that she's upset, and then her friends will give in, and it'll never happen to her again. i get cancelled on so often cos i allow people to do it to me. i let them. but this is me. i grew up having people tell me that everything won't go my way, and i will never be able to make things happen for me. that i just have to learn to accept them and acclimatise. that is where our difference lies. i havent been brought up to be queen, and i dont do things to encourage people to pamper me.
like i told jc, maybe i'll wake up dropping the idea of the walk. very probable.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Friday, October 10, 2008
behind JOG.
"好伤感。地球的确不会因为没有了谁而停止转动，但被遗留下来的人儿总难免感到悲伤。要保重！"
天下无不散的宴席，十六年的短暂篇章，相信也为身旁的人上了宝贵的课。死亡虽是难免的，但也绝对是一件无法让人习惯的常事。时生说得好，与其哀悼生命的脆弱，不如珍惜每一秒的宝贵。
养不教，父之过
教不严，师之惰
一旦小孩出了状况，旁观者对家长的批评总来得好快、好狠。但置身其境的双亲不但得承受骨肉的分离，还得背负着把孩子逼上绝路的罪名。不论是教育制度出了问题，还是社会的复面影响，要背上这一个罪名，可不简单啊！人非圣贤呀。
此刻，我多么希望一棵棵小小的幼苗能在我灌溉的爱中健康，快乐的成长。能茁壮地向阳光展翅，就够了。开不开花，还是其次。今天在班上，我宣布会在考完事后带大家去吃冰棒庆祝。同学天真地问道：＂那，如果成绩不理想，还有没有得吃？＂＂这一年来，我看到的是大家的努力。很多时候，成绩并不能准确的反映这一面。只要你有付出，没有对不起自己，老师就为你感到骄傲。＂
那长篇大论，仿佛是说给自己听的。他们的成绩单，也就是我的成绩单。每一节课之前，我都得提醒自己，不能自私的把这一份压力转移到年幼的孩子们身上。
学习，就应该是件快乐的事。这，我比谁都能了解。
天下无不散的宴席，十六年的短暂篇章，相信也为身旁的人上了宝贵的课。死亡虽是难免的，但也绝对是一件无法让人习惯的常事。时生说得好，与其哀悼生命的脆弱，不如珍惜每一秒的宝贵。
养不教，父之过
教不严，师之惰
一旦小孩出了状况，旁观者对家长的批评总来得好快、好狠。但置身其境的双亲不但得承受骨肉的分离，还得背负着把孩子逼上绝路的罪名。不论是教育制度出了问题，还是社会的复面影响，要背上这一个罪名，可不简单啊！人非圣贤呀。
此刻，我多么希望一棵棵小小的幼苗能在我灌溉的爱中健康，快乐的成长。能茁壮地向阳光展翅，就够了。开不开花，还是其次。今天在班上，我宣布会在考完事后带大家去吃冰棒庆祝。同学天真地问道：＂那，如果成绩不理想，还有没有得吃？＂＂这一年来，我看到的是大家的努力。很多时候，成绩并不能准确的反映这一面。只要你有付出，没有对不起自己，老师就为你感到骄傲。＂
那长篇大论，仿佛是说给自己听的。他们的成绩单，也就是我的成绩单。每一节课之前，我都得提醒自己，不能自私的把这一份压力转移到年幼的孩子们身上。
学习，就应该是件快乐的事。这，我比谁都能了解。
Thursday, October 9, 2008
because i don't know what happens when you're not by my side.
i was shocked when i received bro's text. i was hoping he used the wrong word. that "committed" should be "attempted". i read it, and reread it. i'm sorry i didnt call. i suck at endings.
when cava left, i didnt even go to her wake. and it still bothers me. i suck at endings.
since cava's demise, ive started making it a point never to quarrel and let the other party leave my sight before we make up. at least for my family.
but with another death of someone so young, i cant help but see clearer again. that every single second we have with one another has been blessed, is a gift. and however tempting it is to vent all frustration on people closest to my heart, they dont deserve it.
and like the lyrics of one of the songs bro posted, who doesnt want to score 100? i'm making a mental note to never be mad at those children again. whether being mad at them works or not.
when cava left, i didnt even go to her wake. and it still bothers me. i suck at endings.
since cava's demise, ive started making it a point never to quarrel and let the other party leave my sight before we make up. at least for my family.
but with another death of someone so young, i cant help but see clearer again. that every single second we have with one another has been blessed, is a gift. and however tempting it is to vent all frustration on people closest to my heart, they dont deserve it.
and like the lyrics of one of the songs bro posted, who doesnt want to score 100? i'm making a mental note to never be mad at those children again. whether being mad at them works or not.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
read the labels carefully.
"take after food"
well i've taken other medicine before/after food randomly before. but this almost killed me today. i took my antibiotics before food. but it was only 5 minutes before my mom cooked me my breakfast! but i threw everything up afterwards. the eggs, the ovaltine, the baked potato, and the yucky green antibiotics.
well, i am not independent. i admit it! i do wish i have someone fussing over me. i like being fussed over. i guess many others do, too.
so anyway, my label reads, "Keep Off."
cos i hurt people without knowing it. cos i cant handle endings, cos i dont know what to say. so, keep off. unless you can handle me.
well i've taken other medicine before/after food randomly before. but this almost killed me today. i took my antibiotics before food. but it was only 5 minutes before my mom cooked me my breakfast! but i threw everything up afterwards. the eggs, the ovaltine, the baked potato, and the yucky green antibiotics.
well, i am not independent. i admit it! i do wish i have someone fussing over me. i like being fussed over. i guess many others do, too.
so anyway, my label reads, "Keep Off."
cos i hurt people without knowing it. cos i cant handle endings, cos i dont know what to say. so, keep off. unless you can handle me.
Monday, October 6, 2008
1st post of 2008! woah!
it feels alot like christmas.
and i have no idea why.
maybe it's cos i saw someone wear something that reminded me of santarina. oh right. i think that's it. i saw a pair of shoes at charles and keith that reminded me of the sexy lucky bitch who gets to be with santa claus.
i just felt like blogging!
so it's the exams, and i get abit of nerves. which is sooo strange, i think it's karma. i never had the nerves when i was having mine, all those years ago!
and i honestly, honestly cannot understand why people think i cant speak mandarin. and the most incomprehensible part is, they still insist on it after they've heard me speak some! so gwm tried to explain it to me today...
gwm: your mandarin is very proper, but i think it's the way you speak it. very polite. you sound like a customer service officer.
me: ... customer. service. officer. ???
gwm: yes! like... "我可以为您服务吗？"
wtf? of all things! no wonder people take me as a bootycall. not only have i the "talk to me" face, now i speak mandarin like a CSO. i need to work on it. let's speak mandarin 24/7! no, i'm kidding. i dont want to get another bootycall. but anyway, i think gwm did a fabulous explanation.
anyway, not all chinese roam the redlight district, and not all who speak mandarin are chinese. im just an effectively billingual singaporean. fullstop. no race. dont bother with it. if you need to put a colour to me, it's yellow.
i think it's the drug the very cute doctor put me on. he said the side effect was nausea. and he's so right. i feel like throwing up very much. it's giving me a headache. and i cant sleep! urgh.
and i have no idea why.
maybe it's cos i saw someone wear something that reminded me of santarina. oh right. i think that's it. i saw a pair of shoes at charles and keith that reminded me of the sexy lucky bitch who gets to be with santa claus.
i just felt like blogging!
so it's the exams, and i get abit of nerves. which is sooo strange, i think it's karma. i never had the nerves when i was having mine, all those years ago!
and i honestly, honestly cannot understand why people think i cant speak mandarin. and the most incomprehensible part is, they still insist on it after they've heard me speak some! so gwm tried to explain it to me today...
gwm: your mandarin is very proper, but i think it's the way you speak it. very polite. you sound like a customer service officer.
me: ... customer. service. officer. ???
gwm: yes! like... "我可以为您服务吗？"
wtf? of all things! no wonder people take me as a bootycall. not only have i the "talk to me" face, now i speak mandarin like a CSO. i need to work on it. let's speak mandarin 24/7! no, i'm kidding. i dont want to get another bootycall. but anyway, i think gwm did a fabulous explanation.
anyway, not all chinese roam the redlight district, and not all who speak mandarin are chinese. im just an effectively billingual singaporean. fullstop. no race. dont bother with it. if you need to put a colour to me, it's yellow.
i think it's the drug the very cute doctor put me on. he said the side effect was nausea. and he's so right. i feel like throwing up very much. it's giving me a headache. and i cant sleep! urgh.
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