It is late and the hour is maddening.

I cared so much as to become confused.

God give me clarity of mind and heart.

1 + 1 = 2

France + iPhone = ?

Have fun and stay safe.

I dare not concede for it is a slippery slope, and the fall will be a long tumble.

Don't be fooled by your need to be needed.

A week's never complete without an argument with Becky.

I don't know what to say, and I don't really feel like saying anything.

Frankly speaking, I wonder why I even bother trying.

And I'm not angst-ing by the way!

loss-gain

What do I stand to gain if I prove that I'm not spoiled, when I really am?

Why should I forsake learning for fear of looking stupid, if all there is is gain?

Do I not see that if I cheat others into believing I'm holy or wise, the only person I'm really cheating is myself?

Or if I trick them into thinking that I'm happy, when I really am not?

If I am rich, of what use would it be to justify that I'm not?

And if I would lose all to hold on to my pride, am I not left with nothing?

It is the humble that truly stand to gain.

Lord humble me, for I am a prideful man.

This feeling of aloneness/solitude is addictive. I wonder if it's healthy.

those old days!

Hahahah. Omg. I've made my mark in the JKA gaming community. 3 years after I stopped playing for good:

http://www.sabermetrix.com/players/72/

98th out of 1217 players... That puts me in the top 8 percent! Although I remember making it up to the top 40 before. The Force is strong in this one.

lol.

Our characters couldn't be more different.

We fight all the time.

Yet we love each other dearly.

Don't change.

I know nothing now, save that I am called to be faithful.

come my brothers

Come, my brothers, praise the Lord, alleluia,
Praise the Lord, for He is God, alleluia

Come to Him to give Him thanks, alleluia,
Hail the Lord with joyful songs, alleluia.

For a mighty God is He, alleluia
He is King of all the world, alleluia.

In His hands are valleys deep, alleluia
In His hands are mountain peaks, alleluia

In His hands are all the seas, alleluia
And the land which He has made, alleluia

Come, my friends, let’s praise the Lord, alleluia
He’s our God and we are His, alleluia

Praise the Father, praise the Son, alleluia 
Praise the Holy spirit too, alleluia

that which the world has to offer

"When I see the ministry, I feel happy that there are so many young people who are passionate about God. Yet something is missing; it is as if they're holding back a part of themselves. But you, you are different. Your heart is in the right place."

Those are rather high expectations to meet. I used to say that the kind of love I was searching for wasn't the kind of love the world could offer. A love that embodied a sacrifice of self. A love that was deeply... spiritual in nature. I'm... not so sure if I'm really that noble, now.

What am I, but a weak and foolish man? One struggling with his identity as a son of God. Seeking detachment from the world, yet tempted by what it has to offer. Desiring wisdom, yet embracing folly. I want something greater than a worldly love, but I'm not willing to let go of it.

Oh, Lord, put my heart in the right place.

Drama month.

"Who shrinks the shrink?"

This blog has been getting a bit too emo for my liking. I must stop!!

So. CA results are out. Based on my estimates, the MCQ test actually pulled my grades up. I find that thought simply ridiculous. Is my luck with ward teams really just bad, or am I not working hard enough? I really want to know. How can I improve my work ethic? 

No doubt, from a consultant's point of view, what I know is seriously lacking. But how about using a student's yardstick to measure? Oh well. You be the judge, God. In the meantime I will work hard...

Hmm. Perhaps I'm not that alright after all. But I can't figure out exactly what isn't.

2 weeks

The past 2 weeks in rehab and palliative care have been very meaningful. I have met doctors who are nothing less than inspirational in not only their dedication to their patients, but also in their sterling clinical judgment. All while maintaining a quiet and humble demeanor. I barely interacted with them for but a day each, but the impressions they have left on me are far more lasting than many of the doctors I've met over the past 3 months (not that these doctors aren't inspirational either!)

I want to be that kind of doctor. 

Dear God,

I really try my best to be a good person. But sometimes I wonder if it's worth it.

You are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me.

You mean a lot to me and that makes you beautiful.

count your blessings

God has blessed me with:

A whole family.

Loving parents.

Good education.

Wealth.

A bright future.

Great friends.

An awesome community.

What more can I ask for? What more do I need?

Would you O Lord open my eyes to see that I am, in fact, rich?

Don't surrender your loneliness

So quickly.

Let it cut more deep.

Let it ferment and season you

As few human

Or even divine ingredients can.

Something missing in my heart tonight

Has made my eyes so soft,

My voice

So tender,

My need of God

Absolutely

Clear.

-Hafiz, Persian poet

Watch where you tread, gbx! You don't wanna fall down that hole.

random thoughts

爱屋及乌 .

Should we focus on the good in a person or the bad?

Is it: Drug addiction or poor management?

Why don't people take me seriously when I tell them I'm very flawed?

Is it: Justice or self-righteousness?

Am I wrong to think/feel this way?

Is it: Authoritarian parenting or character formation?

It is: Neither, and yet both.

irritatingly idiot. boo!

reality/illusion

Red pill or blue pill?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Truth Shop

I could hardly believe me eyes when I
saw the name of the shop: THE TRUTH
SHOP.

The salesgirl was very polite: What
type of truth did I wish to purchase,
partial or whole? The whole truth, of
course. No deceptions for me, no
defences, no rationalisations. I
wanted my truth plain and unadulterated.
She waved me on to another side of the
store.

The salesman there pointed to the price
tag. "The price is very high, sir," he
said. "What is it?" I asked, determined
to get the whole truth, no matter what
it cost. "Your security, sir," he
answered.

I came away with a heavy heart. I still
need the safety of my unquestioned
beliefs.

For all that it's taken to get to here and for all that's likely to come... ...
I sometimes wonder if it's been worth the trouble.
I search but cannot find.
I knock but get no answers.
I only know I must be faithful.
But right now I haven't the slightest clue how.

I never wanted to mess up.
But I've done stupid things.
And now I'm doubtful and scared.
It seems neither as easy nor as fun as I'd intended.
The weight of the burden is beyond my capacity.
Oh, God save my soul.

I've had enough,
I'm not that tough.
But rather quite soft,
Both within and without.
Living without much vigor,
Sane purely by dry humor.

"Excess of love, did ye say? There was no excess, there was defect. She loved her son too little, not too much. If she had loved him more there'd be no difficulty. I do not know how her affair will end. But it may well be that at this moment she's demanding to have him down with her in hell. That kind is sometimes perfectly ready to place the soul they say they love in endless misery if only they can still in some fashion possess it." -The Great Divorce

Let's make this quick and painless? Painless for who?

"Brass is mistaken for gold more easily than clay is... It is a stronger angel, and therefore, when it falls, a fiercer devil... The false religion of lust is baser than the false religion of [human] love or patriotism or art: but lust is less likely to be made into a religion." -The Great Divorce

demons

There have often been instances in my life where the lines between emotion and rationale become blurred. It is during times like these that reality decrees that I am, quite sadly, all too human. And I begin to wonder if the negative feelings I experience are because there truly is something wrong with the situation, or because I'm simply being an asshole.

Pride? Jealousy? Or is it true injustice? Often times it is a mixture. But which is more than the other? How should I react? And these questions keep gnawing at me from the inside -- sick, little demons that remind me that I'm not quite as good a person as I'd like to make myself out to be. 

simple

I once knew a man whom many, including myself, would call simple. A recluse, he lived in a quiet estate away from the noise of the city. I'd heard stories that he was an heir to a large sum of money, yet there was nothing to show for it. He didn't drive an expensive car (or own a car, even), neither did he eat at classy restaurants, and his 3 room flat could best be described as spartan. He was a teacher in a secondary school, even though his qualifications could easily have earned him a place in a high paying job. Rumor had it that he even donated the bulk of his salary every month, keeping only a small portion for his daily necessities. And I wondered why.

If he had the money, why didn't he want to live a more luxurious life? Perhaps he didn't dare to dream big? Wouldn't anyone want what was better? Or was he actually a miser?

But no, he told me, creature comforts weren't things that were new to him (but of course!). Big houses, big cars and big bucks were once the norm. And yet somehow all these could only occupy him temporarily. He found himself being unsatisfied even after procuring all these which he once coveted. It was a vicious cycle, he told me. There was nothing that could satisfy him for long, his money could never be enough, no device which couldn't become outdated and obsolete. And he found himself becoming less and less of a person, a victim and prisoner to his own wealth.

He never really elaborated much after that, but by then I knew. What the world had to offer simply wasn't enough for him. He had tasted the world's very best and deemed it to be of inferior quality. And I realized, then, that it wasn't him who was simple.

It was us.

THE SUSTAINING POWER OF RITUAL

from http://www.ronrolheiser.com/

Never travel with anyone who expects you to be interesting all the time. On a long trip there are bound to be some boring stretches.

That's an axiom offered by Daniel Berrigan in his Commandments for the Long Haul and it contains a wisdom that is often absent today in our marriages, our family lives, our friendships, our churches, and our spiritual lives.

Today we often crucify others and ourselves with the impossible notion that inside of our relationships, our families, our churches, and prayer lives we are meant to be alert, attentive, enthusiastic, and emotionally present all the time. We are never given permission to be distracted, bored, and anxious to move on to something else because we are weighed down with the pressures and tiredness of our own lives. We lay guilt on each other and on ourselves with these kinds of judgments: Sometimes you're too distracted and tired to really hear me! You're not really present to this meal! You're bored at church! You're anxious to get this over with! You don't love me like you did at first! You're heart isn't in this as it used to be!

While there is a healthy challenge in these judgments, they also betray a naiveté and lack of understanding of what actually sustains us in our daily lives. We've gone ritually tone-deaf.

What do I mean by that? Here's an example:

A recent study on marriage points out that couples who make it a habit to give each other a ritual embrace or kiss before leaving the house in the morning and another ritual embrace or kiss before retiring at night fare better than those who let this gesture be determined by simple spontaneity or mood. The study makes the point that even if the ritual kiss is done in a distracted, hurried, perfunctory, or duty-bound way it still serves a very important function, namely, it speaks of fidelity and commitment beyond the ups and downs of our emotions, distractions, and tiredness on a given day. It is a ritual, an act that is done regularly to precisely say what our hearts and heads cannot always say, namely, that the deepest part of us remains committed even during those times when we are too tired, too distracted, too angry, too bored, too anxious, too self-preoccupied, or too emotionally or intellectually unfaithful to be as attentive and present as we should be. It says that we still love the other and remain committed despite the inevitable changes and pressures that the seasons bring.

This is often not understood today. An over-idealization of love, family, church, and prayer often crucifies the reality. Popular culture would have us believe that love should be romantic, exciting, and interesting all the time, and that lack of felt emotion is a signal that something is wrong. Liturgists and prayer leaders would have us believe that every church service needs to be full of enthusiasm and emotion and that there is something wrong with us when we find ourselves flat, bored, looking at our wristwatches, and resisting emotional engagement during church or prayer. Everywhere we are warned about the dangers of doing something simply because it is duty, that there is something wrong when the movements of love, prayer, or service become routine. Why do something if your heart isn't in it?

Again, there is something legitimate in these warnings: Duty and commitment without heart will not ultimately sustain themselves. However, with that being admitted, it is important to recognize and name the fact that any relationship in love, family, church, or prayer can only sustain itself over a long period through ritual and routine. Ritual sustains the heart, not vice versa.

It's fidelity to the routine of everyday life, not a honeymoon, that ultimately sustains a marriage. It's fidelity to simply being at the weekday meal, simple fare eaten quickly and distractedly, not the huge celebration or banquet, that sustains family life. A family that demands that every meal together be an event where everyone affectively engages and insists that the pressures of time and personal agenda should be of no concern soon enough notices that more and more family members are finding excuses not to be there. And for good reason: Nobody has energy for a banquet every day. Indeed, nobody, except God, is immune to the simple tiredness, distraction, affective promiscuity, and self-preoccupation that can make it difficult for the heart to be alert, attentive, and emotionally present at any given time. Love, as the language of Marriage Encounter puts it, is shown in decision.

The same holds true for prayer. Anyone who prays only when she can affectively bring along her heart and soul will not sustain prayer for long. But the habit of prayer, the ritual, simple fidelity to the act, showing up to do it irrespective of feelings and mood, can sustain prayer for a lifetime and reign in the roaming of the head and heart.

Repetition, says Soren Kierkegaard, is our daily bread.

ALL CONTENT BELONGS TO WWW.RONROLHEISER.COM

Shack.

p.s.: Hi steph! ---<@

The past month was... trying. Time and again God told me to trust in him, and time and again he proved the faithfulness of his word.

So why do I still not trust then? How shallow my faith is!

Yet it is odd how God continues to use me in ways beyond my comprehension. I don't understand.

God, what am I doing? I'm crazy, aren't I?

Do Not Worry

"22 Then he said to his disciples, 'That is why I am telling you not to worry about your life and what you are to eat, nor about your body and how you are to clothe it.

23 For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing.

24 Think of the ravens. They do not sow or reap; they have no storehouses and no barns; yet God feeds them. And how much more you are worth than the birds!

25 Can any of you, however much you worry, add a single cubit to your span of life?

26 If a very small thing is beyond your powers, why worry about the rest?

27 Think how the flowers grow; they never have to spin or weave; yet, I assure you, not even Solomon in all his royal robes was clothed like one of them.

28 Now if that is how God clothes a flower which is growing wild today and is thrown into the furnace tomorrow, how much more will he look after you, who have so little faith!

29 But you must not set your hearts on things to eat and things to drink; nor must you worry.

30 It is the gentiles of this world who set their hearts on all these things. Your Father well knows you need them.

31 No; set your hearts on his kingdom, and these other things will be given you as well.

32 'There is no need to be afraid, little flock, for it has pleased your Father to give you the kingdom.

33 'Sell your possessions and give to those in need. Get yourselves purses that do not wear out, treasure that will not fail you, in heaven where no thief can reach it and no moth destroy it.

34 For wherever your treasure is, that is where your heart will be too." Luke 12:22-34

Dear God

You loved me even before I noticed you. I knew you existed, but you seemed faraway to me, a distant acquaintance at best, one whom I might talk to at a whim, or if I had a favor to ask. Yet somehow I became drawn to you, slowly at first, and gradually I was enthralled.

Then you told me you loved me, and I knew I did too, but not quite as much. But you showered me with your love and blessings still, and not once did you hold back. And I began to love you more and more. It reached a point where I just wanted to know you better and better. I wanted to be with you everyday; Oh, how my heart longed for you!

And I told you I loved you. I told you I couldn't imagine life without you. Oh, how I couldn't wait to hear your voice, how I wanted to do things for you, and do things with you! How I missed you so whenever I couldn't be with you! And how I wouldn't hesitate to share my thoughts and fears and dreams with you.

But somehow, I began finding it increasingly difficult to see you everyday. My commitments were wearing me out, I was tired and I couldn't build my life around you. "It's not that I don't love you," I would say, "I just find it too tiring to see you everyday."

And you understood. Yet you did not falter, you loved me with a faithful loved, you continued blessing my life, you never once complained. Even when there were days that I didn't talk to you, when I was late to meet you, when I failed to reciprocate your love. But still you never once faulted me.

I know in my head that you love me still. It registers in my mind that you continue to bless me, surprise me, watch out for me, care for me. But I don't comprehend it in my heart. Perhaps I don't dare believe that your love could be so faithful. I don't even know if I love you anymore, and I don't recall when this started happening. The things I told you and the promises I made lie distant and forgotten in the past. What was I thinking then? Did I even know what I was saying?

I've stopped making a real effort. I attribute it to the kind of person I am and the schedule I have but I know it's a lie. And I know you see through it. I mean, you're God, and you made me. Who am I to kid you? But still you love me for who I am, despite all I've done (or failed to do). And I simply can't comprehend why.

I've told you lies,
I've broken your heart.
Still Jesus dies,
So I may start:

Life anew although I've strayed,
Oh God how could your love be this great?

But I really need a little guiding now,
To figure out a way so I'd see how:

To love you,
Just as you so love me.

With a struggling love,

Your unfaithful son.

sloth must go

Spiritual Goals for AY2010/2011

-          1.) Be in tune with God
      “For our hearts are restless until they rest in God”

-          2.) Put my treasure in the right place
      “For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also”

-          3.) Humble myself to love as Jesus loved
      “Love one another just as I have loved you”

-          4.) Set aside 1 hr daily for quiet time and prayer

-          5.) Go for mass whenever possible

It's about time I set my life back on track. Jesus take the wheel!

Grace under pressure

Or nervous wreck? Lord, I'm really very afraid this time round. Very afraid. Let Your hand be upon me and let Your will be done. Because right now, I have no one to rely on but You. But that's the way you like it isn't it?

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Cor 12:9

Violet Hill

I took my love down to violet hill

There we sat in the snow

All that time she was silent still

So if you love me

Won't you let me know?

The Rejection at Nazareth

"Jesus said to them, 'A prophet is not without honor except in his native place and among his own kin and in his own house.' So he was not able to perform any mighty deed there, apart from curing a few sick people by laying his hands on them. He was amazed at their lack of faith." Mark 6:4-6

It's funny how I've always known this story, yet I've never truly comprehended it until recently. The Catechism of the Church says: Sometimes we turn to the Lord as a last resort, but do we really believe he is? Sometimes we enlist the Lord as an ally, but our heart remains presumptuous. In each case, our lack of faith reveals that we do not yet share in the disposition of a humble heart: "Apart from me, you can do nothing."

All too often have I boxed things up into categories of 'spiritual' (which warrants prayer) and 'non-spiritual' (which doesn't), as if there were events in my life that God didn't have a role in or didn't care about. As if I was trying to tell God how to be God. How condescending!

I have not been praying enough, nor with the right disposition of heart because of my lack of faith. I have been praying as if there have been areas of my life in which I don't need God's grace. And 'So he was not able to perform any mighty deed' in my life because I haven't let him. How much of God's endless blessings have I missed out on because of this?

"'But if you can do anything, have pity on us and help us.' 
'If you can?' retorted Jesus. 'Everything is possible for one who has faith.' At once the father of the boy cried out, 'I have faith. Help my lack of faith!'" Mark 9:23-24

Jesus,

Help my lack of faith. Teach me how to pray!

I feel loved and important.

Vexed. Oh, God, what trickery is this?

Wish you were here...

Shack cannot think.

So help me God.

serenity

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.

Amen.

Priceless. =)

apathy

Hello world, it's been a very eventful month indeed. Could we have foreseen what was coming at the start of February? The month felt as if eternity was passing by, yet here we are at the end of it. It's been a wild ride but somehow the finish, the very last day, seems somewhat... lacklustre.

Today was a spiritual bad hair day -- too little discipline, too much inertia, too little prayer, too much work. In essence, I felt pretty out of sync with God. Despite that, I came out of Mass feeling a renewed sense of duty and commitment. Unfortunately, this was for the wrong reasons.

Envision a church that doesn't put in any effort in its celebrations, a church whose priests and ministries do not communicate enough, a church whose parishoners are slow to come and quick to leave. Welcome to St Anne's Church. It pains me to say that almost every time I go to St Anne's, I leave with a bitter taste in my mouth.

We are the biggest parish in Serangoon district. Our donations during Charities Week 2009 were the least. Our daily Masses are the emptiest. Our choirs ____. Our weekend Masses are the quietest and noisiest at the wrong times. Confession... what's that? It reeks with the smell of apathy. 

I do not doubt that there are committed and faithful people in this church. But quite unfortunately, a church doesn't comprise solely of its most faithful. Whenever I step into St Anne's, I am reminded of everything a parish community should not be. Whenever I step into St Anne's, no matter how tired and jaded I feel, I am reminded strongly of God's calling in my life (I'm not referring to any priestly callings here) because what I see is just so bad (not that I'm any better). 

There's a line in the atheist campaign in the UK that goes:

"There probably isn't a God -- Now stop worrying and enjoy your life!"

What's so wrong with this line isn't the first part (which is wrong still), but rather the second, which implies that God, if he does exist, doesn't want us to enjoy life. That religion is a vehicle of oppression and stifled minds. This is a lie, but it seems to have seeped into the heart of the church. God created enjoyment and relaxation. God is fun. God is open. God sets us free. 

Oh, how I dream of a day where the church truly knows this, where the church is vibrant and faithful, it's apathy transformed into passion.

Seems like I haven't been writing much this year huh? 

Busy? Somewhat.

No thoughts? Not really.

Procrastination?

Maybe tomorrow then. After all, procrastinators are the leaders of tomorrow. Or the day after.

prelude

"I value honesty."

"But you're not a very honest person yourself."

That reply got me. I find it rather ironic how all this while I've been contradicting myself and my own values:

I say that friends need to be trusted -- Yet I am the one most suspicious of others.

I say that you need to dare to be vulnerable in front of friends -- I've always played the safest.

I say take a leap of faith -- Here I am, wondering if God's there and doing nothing.

I say you need to be decisive -- I'm indecisive.

I say be passionate -- I'm lukewarm.

And yes, I say be honest -- I'm not.

I've always been someone who liked concealing his hand, someone who had many backup plans and escape routes... Will that come and bite me in the butt? Or has it already been biting all this while?

But perhaps now is the time to finally take a gamble, the time to trust, the time to decisively take a leap of faith. I can't see what lies ahead, but that's precisely what it means to trust -- trust in God and trust in the people around me. Because Lord I know that this season of trust You've led me into is only just beginning...

Feelings. Sometimes I think I've finally gotten them figured out. Next moment I realize I wasn't even the least bit close. =/

Oh God, why am I so lost? What am I supposed to do?

So there I was, on the train, minding my own business. Two kids were standing next to me, playing one of those made-up-on-the-spot games with great exuberance. My thoughts inadvertently found themselves wandering back to the time when I was their age, when I myself used to play such games. Oh, the joys of youth! Don't you miss the times when you found pleasure in such frivolous activities, and amusement in such uninhibited simplicity?

And then one of the little brats (his name was Maxi) stomped on my foot.

RAGE.

Seasons

Hope

"Hope fills the afflicted soul with such inward joy and consolation, that it can laugh while tears are in the eye, sigh and sing all in one breath..." -William Gurnall

In recent months, I have found that hope has become one of my favorite virtues to aspire toward, largely because of a season of hope which I was led into. Hope is one of those things which everyone kind of knows is important, yet often neglects in favour of its counterparts Faith and Love. But this doesn't make it worth any less. If Faith were to be the vehicle and Love the destination, then Hope must be the engine. Without Hope, you probably could reach the destination of Love, but the vehicle of Faith becomes dull and heavy, and might as well be abandoned.

What exactly is Hope?

"Deliver us from every evil, and grant us peace in our day. In your mercy keep us free from sin, and protect us from all anxiety, as we wait in joyful hope, for the coming of our savior Jesus Christ." -Prayer for deliverance

Hope in essence, can be summarized in the words of the prophet Jeremiah: "'For I know the plans I have for you', declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you...'" It is a grounding of oneself in the fact that God would never desert you nor place you in a situation that would bring you harm. It is knowing that whatever the situation we are in, God is working powerfully in manners tangible and intangible for our good. When we as Christians profess that we wait in joyful hope for Christ's coming, we do so in full knowledge that He WILL come. We just do not know when.

Throughout the last year, life kept hurling a bunch of curveballs and screwballs at me. Church commitments, physical exhaustion, spiritual dryness, relationship issues, school, exams... And yet somehow, Hope kept me sane. And things did eventually work out and by God's grace I managed to juggle the (previously thought as) impossible. 

Hope keeps our Faith going when all seems lost. Hope reminds us that for all the struggles, pain and disappointments, life actually is worth living. Hope gives us joy, and it brings us right to the heart of God.

"A Christianity without joy is practical atheism."

half empty or half full?

Sometimes I wonder: 

Is the time when my body is half dead and struggling to arise from its stupor the time when I'm most delirious, or is it the time when my feelings are most uninhibited?

I guess I'm not very in touch with my emotions... Which has worked both for better and for worse.

Victor says:
cos after all, a club is quite a dark place, with alcohol, bad music and worst, youths
bloody youths...
the stupidest thing is how they move about randomly and call that DANCING

Very well said, my friend. HAHA.

vast

Saturday morning: Sitting in a kayak and gazing out into the sea, I felt tiny. Somewhere further out, my friends were racing around, practicing their strokes, trying to capsize each other, making a lot of noise, having a lot of fun... But I was lost in my own world. I was struck at how, compared to the vastness of the sea, I was insignificant. 

I suppose it is human of us to let our problems and worries crowd our life. Sometimes, we get so caught up thinking inward about ourselves, letting our problems become our world, that we forget the bigger world outside -- the real world. And how often we accuse those who do live in the bigger world of being ignorant of the problems and pressures of the 'real world', as if joy and wonder were something to be ashamed of.

Why is it that though our eyes are open, we do not really see? Why is it that though our ears register sounds, we do not really hear? Or are we really blind and deaf? Is the world as we perceive it not really the world in actuality? How small our world must be then! If only we would let our minds expand beyond ourselves, beyond the simplicity and mundaneness of our lives to comprehend the vastness of creation!

Why should we box ourselves up in a world comprising nothing more than worries and woes? Have we forgotten that God is far greater than these? If creation alone could be so unimaginably vast, what more the Creator? 

"Dare to dream," He says. And so we try to look beyond ourselves. Because only if we would dare to dream could we ever step out of our short sightedness to fully appreciate just how infinitely good the Creator, and hence his creation, is.

the pornography of language

At this point in time, I believe I have sufficient reason, supplemented with 20 years of experience, to argue that humanity's grasp and appreciation of language is becoming increasingly weak. 

It began with trashy (and here I hesitate to use the word) literature culminating in what must be the most pornographic novel of all time, Twilight, and the subsequent wave of unoriginal vampire fan-girl romance novels. And of course, remarkable inventions such as internet chatrooms, 13 year old fan-boys and 16 year old fan-girls have done much to TaKkAiReZxx of the measly remnants of linguistic ability. oh em gee el oh el.

But now, a newer and ultimately more insidious invasion has begun -- the irony mark  ؟ . While Twilight and its compatriots threatened to destroy from without, this dark beast, Beelzebub-incarnate of language, quietly and meticulously disarms from within. We all thought that the hallowed halls of the foundations were immutable. We all focused our efforts on eliminating external threats. But woe betide us, our true foe has gained a foothold into the once impregnable fortress. 

Of what use is irony, the pinnacle of humor, if it is not subtle? Irony is not something that is blatantly stated; it must be felt. How well the writer draws the attention of the reader to what is ironic is an indication of:

1.) the writer's skill, and
2.) the reader's ability to appreciate the said skill.

It appears that we now wish to abolish both. But oh well, it's not like my grasp of the language is fantastic either, so who am I to complain ؟ 

picking up from where i left off

God, I don't think I'm feeling so good lately.

________

Shepherd of my soul I give you full control,
Wherever You may lead I will follow.
I have made the choice to listen for Your voice,
Wherever You may lead I will go.

Be it in a quiet pasture or by a gentle stream,
The Shepherd of my soul is by my side.
Should I face a mighty mountain or a valley dark and deep,
The Shepherd of my soul will be my guide.

________

I really need comfort in Your refuge.

hindsight

The past couple of months sure have revealed to me just how imperfectly human I am. Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with myself. Why, why, why is it that though God has gifted me with a certain degree of foresight, I still choose not to act on it?

When all has been said and done, and people hurt in the process, I find that I have no one to point my finger to except myself. Ouch. No regrets about my final decision, but plenty of guilt over my folly. Not to mention how greatly indebted I feel. Oh God, help me make right the wrongs. 

Lord I know you're leading me into a season of trust. But I guess... I'm lacking in wisdom and prudence. And trust. But that's why you've brought me here haven't you? I lift up these relationships and these people to you, and I trust O Lord that you will hold them in the palm of your hand.

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, no evil shall I fear, for you are with me; your crook and your staff, they comfort me." 

Into your hands I commend my spirit.

God's mark in the way things have transpired is indelible. 

backache

New year, new aches and pains. I'm really growing old. What's next, dementia?