God, I'm just so drained. Why?

I'm feeling damn tu lan about everything now.

But still I must press on.

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."

Why?

Hanging on by a hair's breadth.

tire

Life hasn't been easy. I do wish I didn't have so many commitments. I do wish I wouldn't have so much on my mind. I do wish I wasn't in so many committees, that things would quit cropping up so I wouldn't have to keep missing sessions and P&W (when was the last time I even had that?), that I wouldn't have so little energy...

But life has been fun. School has been enjoyable, I've been getting closer to my friends more than ever, I'm making an effort to make new friends and be more sociable... Yet somehow there's no one to turn to. Not that I don't trust my friends (they're great and they genuinely care, really). It's taxing to run a lone game. God's there, definitely, but He sure isn't making things easy. I guess I still need to wean myself off the whole relying on feeling comforted thing. 

I'm tired. I'm everywhere yet nowhere. Prayer and spirituality has been difficult. Free time... what's that? But still. Musn't lose hope hope hope hope hope hope hope...

"You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in your word." Ps 119:114

"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope." Ps 130:5

"For you have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from years, my feet from stumbling; I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living. I believed, even when I spoke: 'I am greatly afflicted.'" Ps 116:8-10

"Come to me, all you who labour and are overburdened, and I will give you rest. Shoulder my yoke and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. Yes, my yoke is easy and my burden light." Mt 11:28-30

God be the solution.

stretch

It's funny how I'm being caught up in so much ministry-related activities, yet God feels so distant. How ministry (juggled alongside school) is ironically giving me less and less time to meditate and pray. How prayer is starting to feel more like words than an active communication between God and myself.

And yet, I guess I've journeyed long enough to know that the "feel" isn't as important as the "do". 

Must. Persist.

But it's a struggle to have to do without active input, to have to persevere in dry prayer, to have to timetable commitments, to have to....

Yet at the end of the day, I know that you O God have put me in this season for a reason (it rhymes!). Oh, you're so frustrating aren't you. Surely, Lord, you're seeding something which I'll look back upon in time to come and marvel at your wisdom. But it's just your style to not give me the knowledge of the what. 

But still, I have hope in your plans. For in order to grow, we must first be stretched.

truth

"Simon Peter answered, 'Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the message of eternal life, and we believe; we have come to know that you are the Holy One of God.'" John 6:68-69

What does it mean to pursue the truth? What does it take to pursue the truth? What will I give to achieve the truth? Who is the truth?

"'Truth?' said Pilate. 'What is that?'" [quid est veritas?]

Why do I subscribe to this faith? Why am I irrevocably Catholic? What makes me Catholic? Because I've been baptized into the faith? Because I go for Mass every Sunday? What makes me Christian? 

"I am the way, the truth and the light."

Do I believe in the truth? Who is this truth?

"'I am the living bread which has come down from heaven. Anyone who eats this bread will live for ever; and the bread that I shall give is my flesh, for the life of the world.'"

He must be crazy. What, he wants us to be cannibals and all that? Should we skewer him and roast him over a fire? Would it make a difference if he were honey glazed or smoked? And we would live forever should we eat this man's flesh?

Pilate's question of the truth, no doubt in jest, ought not be taken lightly. In the pursuit of truth, we cannot join the rest of the world. We cannot stand by and accept watered down versions of truth just so others would accept us. It takes a certain set-apart-ness to pursue the truth, a daring and courage to be different.

"I'm Christian! Oh but I'm not into the whole holy-moly prayer thing..."

"I'm a non-practicing Christian..."

What's a non-practicing Christian? A Christian that doesn't practice his faith? What's so Christian about that, then? It's about as Christian as a crocodile is vegan. If you don't live out the truth, it shows that you don't believe in it fully. Would you live out a lie?

"I'm Christian because I believe that Jesus Christ is the truth. And so I live in Christ and I live out Christ."

Living out the truth is never easy. All too often it means doing the things I don't like doing, doing the things that others don't like me to be doing, doing the things that nobody else wants to be doing... Because the truth is never pretty. Truth is brutal. Truth is harsh. Truth is insecurity. But only -- only to the eyes of the world.

When, at the end of everything and everyone else has deserted you, when everyone else has given up on finding a truth that is ugly, brutal, harsh, what will you do?

'Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the message of eternal life, and we believe; we have come to know that you are the Holy One of God.'

morning reverie

The past few weeks have been crazy busy and tiring, and lately it's been difficult to find a quiet and peaceful place to shut myself away from the world and just contemplate on God's word. This morning however, presented an all-too-rare opportune moment of peace: I was an hour early, the lecture theater was quiet and the Bible was beckoning.

Psalm 62: My soul waits for God alone.

"For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation." 62:1

Have you O Lord been my only source of hope?
Do I wait upon you in joyful hope of your salvation?
Or have I pegged this salvation to material things?

"He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken." 62:2

Do I turn to you alone, God, in times of need?
Or do I try to rely on my own strength?
Has my faith in you been shakeable?

"Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us." 62:8

Would you O Lord hear the cry of my soul?
"O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water." 63:1 
Would you O Lord grow your love in my life?
That I would trust in you alone and take refuge in you always?
Would you "lead me to the rock that is higher than I?" 61:2



Jesus, lead me back to you!

Take all of me and grow yourself in me. Let me desire nothing but you Lord: For all things I consider as rubbish as compared to the truth I gain that is in you. Forgive me where I have ever considered your love as insufficient for me!

"So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory. Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I will lift up my hands." Psalm 63:2-4

for peace like a river

God's playing pranks on me again. Tsk.

My mind is really getting caught up in worldly things.

Yet Lord, you know my heart.

Look with pity and favour on the cry of my soul Lord! 

By your power would you break these chains that weigh me down?

I just want to be free to worship, free to pray.

I really need your grace to bring me through these distractions.

Would you fix my eyes upon your face Jesus?

Let not my life make your death for me be in vain.

Your will O Lord: nothing more, nothing less, nothing else.

Amen.

"This poor man called, and the LORD heard him."

I keep forgetting you, God. This is not good. My mind seems to be becoming increasingly secularized... 

Lord your summons echoes true when you but call my name.
Let me turn and follow you and never be the same.
In Your company I'll go where Your love and footsteps show.
Thus I'll move and live and grow in you and you in me.

Would you grow yourself in me, Jesus? Would you help break down these walls in my life that I my embrace you fully?

Straining my ears to hear that still-small voice.

deja vu

3 years down the road and I find myself in this place again. Why does history have such a habit of repeating itself? Only... I know God so much better this time round. 

To think that just a few months ago I was pondering on that same question, and I came up with the answer that God lets history repeat itself so that we would have a chance to do what was right where before we did what was wrong. How ironic, now, that I have to taste my own advice. It sure isn't as palatable as I'd like it to be.

It's cruelly comedic.

white rose

It's been difficult to uphold my spiritual discipline lately, what with all the commitments and school which I need to juggle. Lessons have only just started this week and already I'm feeling the physical strain... Not to mention that going for daily mass and praying the rosary daily is increasingly becoming a challenge.

But still... I have no excuse. Yes, my parents don't approve of me going for morning mass as I'd like to. Yes, I've been reaching home at the darker hours of the day lately. Yes, I've been up to my eyeballs with my commitments. And yes, I haven't been in a right state of mind these days. But that is insufficient excuse for my recent failure to commit to a regular and proper quiet time. There is no such thing as having no time to pray. And it's even worse to neglect prayer just because I "don't have the mood to pray." How shallow can I get?

There is so much to do. So many people to reach out to, so many people to bring to God. Yet how can I preach the Good News if I myself don't live it out? It makes me a Pharisee, a hypocrite, a merchant of false truths. Worse, it smears the name of God.

So today, I set aside some time to pray the rosary. It was one of the most difficult and dry rosaries that I'd said in quite a while. Yet as I struggled to focus, the message remained clear:

Trust in the Holy Spirit.
Trust in Jesus.
Trust in God.
Persevere in striving for Holiness.
Love God unceasingly.

So far you've led me, Jesus. On what grounds do I even have the right to doubt you?

"'Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far, and grace will lead me home."

dialogue of days

"Why're you showing me this person?"

"For the joy of the LORD will be your strength."

And you entered.

"Why're you showing me this person?"

-silence-

"It's getting rather hard to serve you, God. Not so much as my flesh is unwilling as circumstances don't allow it... What should I do?"

"Does the LORD so delight in holocausts and sacrifices as in obedience to the command of the LORD? Obedience is better than sacrifice, and submission than the fat of rams."

"Why do you show me these parallels? What do you wish me to do? What is your will?"

-silence-

"For this people's heart has become calloused; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes. Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts and turn, and I would heal them"

"Jesus, would you break down the walls of my heart and open my eyes and my ears to be receptive to you?"

"Have you forgotten my words? I'd never say things like that so lightly."

"God, how do I know if the words I speak are from you? How do I know if I do your will when the lines are so blurred? How?"

For this people's heart has become calloused; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes. Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts and turn, and I would heal them. Acts 28:27

inspire

She's sleepy, tired, maybe even a bit feverish... Sitting in a crowded train, trying her best to fight off fatigue. The train comes to the station, a blind man gets on. Everyone in the train doesn't seem to notice -- perhaps they don't want to notice him even.

Oh, her head is throbbing, her legs don't wanna move, yet her heartstrings are a-tuggin', tugging for the man she does not know: Someone, anyone, would you be kind enough to spare this poor soul your seat? Have you all not a shred of compassion?

And so she puts aside her tiredness and rises: Good sir, please, have a seat, you need it more than I. This grab-pole is plenty fine, no I insist, you musn't decline. 

A few stops down, she finds a seat, but look! There boards a mother and her young child: Oh, how I wish my conscience wouldn't hurt me so! Good people of Singapore, would you do me a favor, save a seat for: this child and mother. Yet not a finger is lifted, not an eyebrow raised.

And so she puts aside her tiredness and rises: My lady, your child and your good self look really tired, please, take this seat, you must, you must.

Dear sister,

I know you not, and you know not I. Yet I am a witness to your great love, your actions have moved me deeply to the core. For all your tiredness, still not one mite did you withold. Oh it seems sometimes, that no one really cares, and its a struggle to see, how compassion could ever reward. But know this, dear sister, He who is Love has seen your love. How lucky am I to witness this!

And I thank God for you, dear sister whom I know not, you have inspired me greatly to love without counting the cost, to fight without heeding the wounds, to labour and not seek reward, except that of knowing that I do God's will. And I know for sure that: "He who sees what is done in secret will reward you."

"Sisters, we were made for kindness: we can pierce the darkness as He shines through us. We will come reaching: with a song of healing -- and they will know us by our love."

loaded

I'm starting to wonder: What's the defining factor that differentiates between giving up and letting go? One is a lack of ambition, the other an acceptance of what must come.

If I were to be offered a prestigious scholarship and an opportunity to study in another country, but then decide not to take it, would that be giving up, or would it be letting go?

Or not accepting a better paying or more glamorous job offer over the current one?

Or to stop chasing after a dream when the it is in sight?

I would suppose it all boils down to the intention. Problem is, I'm not an ambitious person. But what does it matter, in any case? All that jamming yesterday must have gotten to my head. More importantly, my spirituality has been in shambles in recent weeks. So much for seeking first the kingdom eh. 

Some thoughts for reflection:

How greatly do I desire God that I'd be willing to discipline myself?

Am I letting go of troublesome approaches to prayer or am I giving up?

At which point is the line crossed?

15 When they had eaten, Jesus said to Simon Peter, 'Simon son of John, do you love me more than these others do?' He answered, 'Yes, Lord, you know I love you.' Jesus said to him, 'Feed my lambs.' 

16 A second time he said to him, 'Simon son of John, do you love me?' He replied, 'Yes, Lord, you know I love you.' Jesus said to him, 'Look after my sheep.' 

17 Then he said to him a third time, 'Simon son of John, do you love me?' Peter was hurt that he asked him a third time, 'Do you love me?' and said, 'Lord, you know everything; you know I love you.' Jesus said to him, 'Feed my sheep. 

18 In all truth I tell you, when you were young you put on your own belt and walked where you liked; but when you grow old you will stretch out your hands, and somebody else will put a belt round you and take you where you would rather not go.' 

19 In these words he indicated the kind of death by which Peter would give glory to God. After this he said, 'Follow me.'

price to pay

We cannot truly be courageous if we have not first experienced fear.
We cannot have faith if we have not first known doubt.
We cannot savour rest if we have not first tasted labour.
We won't be able to truly appreciate joy if we have not first known sorrow.
We won't cherish freedom as much if we have not first endured suffering.

If we forget fear -- we cease to be courageous and become foolhardy.
If we forget doubt -- we become blinded by false faith.
If we forget labour -- we no longer rest but are slothful.
If we forget sorrow -- we lose sight of what is joy.
If we forget suffering -- we become enslaved to our freedom.

Our salvation (freedom) was bought with a heavy price, a ransom of flesh and blood and tears (suffering), a ransom we must always remember. If we base our spirituality on the feel-goods and the joys only it is but a matter of time till it topples. Faith must be grounded in truth -- and this truth is that Jesus Christ suffered and died on the cross (sorrow) in atonement for our sins. "And for this God raised him high [through his resurrection], and gave him the name which is above all other names" (joy).

One man's obedience brought about salvation for all. What could be a better fairytale ending? Yet behind every fairytale ending lies a lot of hard work which we so often do not see. We could always envy and wish to share in that fairytale, but that wouldn't get us anywhere. Or we could put in some hard work to achieve that freedom and joy.

Have I forgotten Christ's suffering? Am I willing to endure labour to make good his sorrow?

random observation

Over the past few months, it seems like Tuesdays and Fridays have been, with a certain regularity, emo max days.

It must be something to do with the sorrowful mysteries.

worm

I would mope and slop around, content to stay put in this muck that I am in, lazy and worthless creature that I am! Yet how great is Your love O God, that I -- but a mere worm of a man in Your sight, so filled with sin and evil -- would mean something in Your sight, that You would not let me do so? Despite my wretchedness You would use me as an instrument (oh how unreliable an instrument!) in Your great plan of salvation; You would use me, rusty vessel that I am, to reach out to those around me, in ways beyond my limited human comprehension. 

How could I ever comprehend Your ways, Lord? My selfish schemes and plans are but worthless folly before Your will, a vanity of vanities -- truly Man proposes and You dispose. Heed not the rot which I babble (this included) and use me as You will. I am Your servant, the mere whim of my existence is to bring You glory. So speak, Lord, Your servant listens.

scattered reflections

I'm feeling reflective but my thoughts are all over the place.

Random thought #1:

I love the God that made you. Or, I love the you God made? Is one wrong and one right? Is one better than the other? Personally, I'd choose the latter. The former seems to carry the connotations of one loving God for what God has done for oneself, seems to imply loving God because one loves a beloved. The latter, however, implies that one loves the person (who may not necessarily be beloved even) because one loves God first. But is there really a difference, or is it just a play of English?

I love the Giver because of the gifts. I love the gifts because of the Giver.

Random thought #2:

".... as if they could escape punishment for their acts when those blind acts are the very punishment they inflict on themselves, far worse than anything they do to others."

I think that line speaks for itself. What does God mean when He says He will punish us? How could a being of love and mercy inflict harm to a person? Well, He doesn't. We inflict the harm on ourselves. Our inerrant ways are in themselves the very punishment we bring unto ourselves:

"The LORD, the LORD, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, keeping steadfast love for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, but who will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children and the children's children, to the third and the fourth generation."

Is not a murderer's son labelled as according to his father's crime, even though he himself may be innocent? When we sin, who suffers the most? Very often, it is those who love us and whom we love...