split

between 2 communities. no wait. make that 5. try to be everywhere and you'll end up nowhere. solution please, God! haha

closing prayer

Dear God,

Although I am in a very dry season of my faith, as I reflect upon the past year, I know that you have been with me all this while. I haven't been faithful to you, but you have been to me. You are always looking out for me -- sending friends, family and circumstances to help me no matter what mess I create for myself. And for this my soul is thankful for your love is everlasting and faithful, and your mercies new each day.

But Lord, it pains me so to be unable to hear your voice. Have you turned your face away from me? Or has the greatness of my sin hardened my heart, clogged my ears and blocked my sight? Despite all the problems and distractions of the world, you know Lord, that it is still your voice that I desire. Though my feelings, emotions and rationale may tell me things, I want to know your will! Nothing else will suffice Lord! 

I need you Jesus. I am weak but you are strong. I, foolish, but you wise. How could my imperfect, human love ever compare to yours? Yet how long I have waited just to catch a glimpse of your face. As the deer pants for running waters, so my soul longs for you. Fill me once more. My soul is weary and sick of the unsatisfying drink the world has to offer. A clean heart create for me O Lord, and put a just and right spirit within me. You do not require sacrifices or burnt offerings, or I would offer them. Let my sacrifice instead be a humble and contrite heart.

As a new year approaches, draw me closer to you.

Amen.

Ebony and ivory keys. 

My life is in serious need of more colour.

close

I do find it odd how, as the semester is drawing to a close now, I've only just begun to realize that I actually need God. For the past few months I've been running around with a ridiculous assumption that I would offer up everything I was doing to God as a gift -- my very own gift. Unfortunately it was only a couple of days ago that I began to realize that I was drawing on my own strength, thinking that I could actually do something out of my own merit for God. I'd forgotten that at the end of the day, I couldn't accomplish anything without His blessings.

Jesus,

How blind I have been! Indeed I have been asking for the wrong things all this while. How foolish of me to fall prey to my own pride! Lord, what am I without you? What can I even achieve if not for your provision? Help me Lord. I'm utterly useless without you.

less is more

Sometimes it's really good to sit back and count your blessings... Especially those that you take for granted. I remember how, back in the army, after countless days of mud and grass in field training, I began to realize that concrete floor was a luxury. Yes, concrete floor. It was rough, it was hard, but it was dry, firm ground. How heavenly.

There's a song that goes, "Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got 'till it's gone..." I think it's easy as humans to forget that what we perceive as 'given' and 'bare necessity' really isn't that bare, nor necessary, after all. It is all these little things -- lights, fans, floor, tables, toilets, and yes, parents -- that we so often fail to recognize as blessings. I didn't know the luxury of dry concrete, and in fact I used to resent it, until it was taken from me.

Suffering and loss, therefore, are always moments of epiphany for myself. They serve to remind me just how much God has blessed me with. Because it is when you have absolutely nothing, that everything becomes a gain. So yes, praise God for concrete! :)

words on deaf ears

Knock knock God, are you there? Wisdom is in short supply here in my life, I really could use a hand. No wait. You are already here. It's just that I'm not listening. Or I don't know how. Or maybe I don't want to even.

I'm proud you see. I've rejected your holy light and now I'm stumbling about in the darkness. It's no surprise I keep falling. I've shut out your words and now I can't hear. And so I've lost my direction. I'm wandering about in circles, God.

Would you save me from the mess I've made my life into? I've made enough bad decisions; now I know -- indeed all along I should have known -- that the best plans are the plans you have in mind. 

"The Old Testament is a picture of a loving God who is faithful to his people even though they blaspheme against him. He sends prophet after prophet to guide them but his advice falls on deaf ears. Unsurprisingly, they pay the price for it."

Truly success lies only in obedience to God alone.

blind

"Now it happened that as he drew near to Jericho there was a blind man sitting at the side of the road begging. When he heard the crowd going past he asked what it was all about, and they told him that Jesus the Nazarene was passing by. So he called out, 'Jesus, Son of David, have pity on me.'

The people in front scolded him and told him to keep quiet, but he only shouted all the louder, 'Son of David, have pity on me.'

Jesus stopped and ordered them to bring the man to him, and when he came up, asked him, 'What do you want me to do for you?'

'Sir,' he replied, 'let me see again.' 

Jesus said to him, 'Receive your sight. Your faith has saved you.' 

And instantly his sight returned and he followed him praising God, and all the people who saw it gave praise to God."

I'm a blind man. Not literally, but very much blinded by the world around me. I try my best to rise up above the things of the earth but my very own humanity scolds me and orders my spirit to be silent.

"I don't need God," says Pride.

"You can leave it till later," yawns Sloth.

"Just one more snack! It won't hurt!" pleads Gluttony.

"It's normal to indulge in fleshly desires," Lust goads.

"Why can't I have what that guy has?" Envy sulks.

"I will not forgive," retorts Anger.

"What if you need that bit of cash later?" Greed insists.

Even my body agrees, "You're tired, burnt out! Let them figure out a solution for themselves!"

So here I am, sitting by the roadside. I can't see Jesus, but I know he's there. There's nothing to lose now; I own nothing, what more can I lose? My pride? My laziness? Should I be ashamed of my very blindness? Should I try to hide? Jesus! Son of David! Have pity on me! 

Would you O God use my blindness and turn it into a miracle? Would you O God use me to draw those around me closer to you, as you did with the blind man of Jericho?

Jesus, Son of David, have pity on me.

my gazillion commitments are chasing after me and biting my ass.

so help me God!!!

in the midst of it all

Life is chaos. But I think today I experienced a deep seated, idiopathic (haha) contentment for the first time in a while. Hallelujah for all You've done indeed. =)

surprise

God really has a habit of popping up and reminding you that he exists when you least expect it. Today wasn't very productive. Work is piling up, commitments are many, sleep is poor and discipline is at an all time low. People are disappearing too. But praise God for today. 

After an unproductive afternoon and a pretty dull caroling practice, I headed down to CANA for a CMG session on issues of morality, which was really awesome. But that's besides the point. By God's grace I happened to bump into someone whom I'd met during the vocation retreat earlier in the year. Back then, he was in a dry spell of his faith and had been struggling with many issues, issues pertaining to the very existence of God.

"I'm back. And I'm back stronger."

I remember keeping him in my prayers for a period of time after the retreat, but he disappeared and after a while I gave up. And for me to hear those words from him really lifted my mood. It was as if God was saying, "See how a little prayer can go such a long distance."

Don't get me wrong though. I'm not saying that my prayers were responsible for his change. Rather, it was a reminder from God to persist in prayer even if I wasn't seeing the fruits. It was a reminder that where I was lazy, God was still working. Where I had given up, God had persisted. And where I was not faithful, God was. 

I guess it's sometimes easy to forget that God loves the people around us far more than we ourselves could ever love them. How much more, then, would He pour out His spirit upon them if we but asked?

So thank you God, from the depths of my heart. It's no surprise that your love has surprised me once again.

remind me

Jesus,

Remind me always that I am not self sufficient.

Remind me that all I have has been given me by you.

Remind me that I am who I am because of you.

Remind me that I am where I am because you put me there.

Remind me that I could not have done all I have done that was good without your grace.

If nothing that I own, then, is mine, then Lord, let me freely offer it all back to you.

For why should I fear losing what is not mine to lose?

If even my life is not mine, then Lord, use me as you will, and I shall ask for nothing more.

Amen.

two face

God asks:

My child, my child. Why are you so inconsistent?

How long more are you going to be one person in church, and another person outside?

You speak so often about discipline: it is lacking in your own life.

You talk about upholding excellence: why then, are you so lukewarm?

You tell people to be serious about school: you yourself skip classes without batting an eyelid.

 'No doubt you will quote me the saying, "Physician, heal yourself," and tell me, "We have heard all that happened in Capernaum, do the same here in your own country." ' Lk 4:23

The same lessons you teach are the very lessons that must be applied to your own life, child.

For that is why I have put them in your heart.

blessed

Everyday Lord, you remind me just how much you've blessed me with. 

Oh how I am blessed... So, so very blessed.

"Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever." Ps 23:6

Past few days have been rather tiring. But at the same time, had a bunch of God/philosophy convos with some people. Yay. I guess learning about what people believe in and what they value are really windows to their souls. Sure beats idle small talk. haha

Now if sleep were in greater supply...

jade

I've been wishing for a quiet, relaxed weekend spent at home for the longest of time but sadly, it just isn't coming anytime soon. Which sucks because I really need some alone time. Serving in two ministries really is no joke; meeting after meeting, session after session, cell after cell -- it's taking its toll. Not to mention that I feel like a fish out of water serving in my current capacity in youth ministry. 

I should suppose a non-Christian/outsider might ask: "If it's such a chore, why serve?"

Why serve indeed? Serving is troublesome, it takes up time and energy that could be spent elsewhere... But. I do have a passion for youth ministry, and out of this passion I have made commitments and taken responsibilities. That's why.

People always say that if you have a passion for something, it will never be a chore. Let me assure you that this isn't the case at all. Jesus had a Passion for humanity, but that didn't make his dying any easier. Often times he wanted to rest, but the crowds just kept coming and coming. A good man would be pardoned for turning these away, but he didn't, because he understood that a true passion outlives the feelings that accompany it. A true passion endures hardship and troubles -- it doesn't make them any easier, it doesn't make them any less of a chore, but is faithful until the end.

So here I am, pursuing my passion. Let me then emulate the love of David son of Jesse for God, and therefore say: 

"I will not offer up to the Lord sacrifices that do not cost me."

Good sir, pray tell what thou art doing with thy life now. 

Seasons

Faith

2 years down the road from my conversion experience, I have to admit that my perception of God, faith, hope and love has changed tremendously (and is still changing). As I mentioned below, I experienced God in a physical and tangible way unlike any before, and this had tremendous impact on my life.

But I was still immature and foolish in my faith (I still am, although hopefully less so). I still needed tangible signs, feelings and emotions to uphold the little faith I had. I did love God and hope in him, but this was a hope and love built on a childish faith, a faith driven by the spur of raw emotions. As St. Augustine put it rather nicely in Confessions, it was a faith based on "the stars in the night sky", signs for the non-believer to turn and change.

Yet when we are called "out of darkness and into the light", to become now "sons of light and sons of day", we must stop relying on these stars for our faith. They are but specks in the sky -- tiny and insignificant. Rather, we must turn to the greatest source of light, which is the Son (sun) himself.

Faith really is easy to find, or at least, an immature faith based on signs. How many stars are there in the sky? They are countless. How many signs do we want to look for? "Ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find, knock and the door will be opened to you." Would God really deny himself to those who seek him? For "What father among you, if his son asked for a fish, would hand him a snake? Or if he asked for an egg, hand him a scorpion? If you then, evil as you are, know how to give your children what is good, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!"

But faith isn't easy to keep, which I soon found out as God led me into the first season of my spirituality, when I experienced for the first time a dry spell. Suddenly all the feelings and passions had died down, replaced with a tiredness and disillusionment. I began wondering if everything I had experienced in the past was merely a work of highly driven emotions (although of course they weren't: the healing I had received was still healing, and the miracles still miracles). I began to feel the strain of "persevere in prayer", began to find it difficult to "run the race and keep the faith."

Yet by the grace of God I clung on. There were moments where I felt like giving up, moments where I did indeed give up, but as God led me through this season, I realized at the end of it all that He has always been there, even when I couldn't feel him around. And miracles started to happen once more, not in the way they used to, no longer as tangible, no longer as out of the world, but even greater than I could imagine. People started changing, started turning to God. I realized that even though I couldn't see it, God was still working. I realized that faith in God is irregardless of feelings.

So what is faith? I can't be certain for sure, but I do know that it is the very foundation of our spirituality. You cannot, after all, hope in, or love, something or some being you do not believe in. Faith is about holding still; Faith is about clinging on to the rock and stronghold that is God even as all around us threatens to punish and to destroy us. Faith is about holding on for dear life even as the current is pulls us away. It is difficult. It is tiring. You don't know if you can hold on any longer. You don't know if you should hold on in the first place. But you must. For just as "gold is refined in fire", so too is our faith refined in the trials we face.

Seasons

Conversion

I used to be a pretty God-less person, albeit one raised in and subscribing to the teachings of the Catholic Church from young, but otherwise an atheist in all senses of the word. Catholic ethics and morality did appeal to me indeed, but the whole God concept was one which I had come to abandon over the years.

On retrospect, it really was pride that let me away from God (as is befitting of the gravest of capital sins, since, in a sense, pride turns you into a god). Atheism held no room for error, no room for airy-fairy beliefs and concepts of ethereal beings, no room for vague superstitions. Atheism was for the smart and the enlightened. It was logical and defined: God doesn't exist. I control my own destiny -- I am my own god.

Yet under the surface of my apparent enlightenment lay hidden much pain and despair. If our existence came about by chance, then what exactly was the point of living? Some would say to love, some would say to better our species, but none of these really seemed to answer the question. And inwardly, I envied those who had something to believe in -- they had a reason to live. Sure, I believed in some vaguely Catholic moral code, but believing in a process but not its end point holds no meaning.

Still, by God's grace I had a "Thomas moment"/"Paul conversion experience", and I came face to face with a very real, very tangible God. And I came to realize that no science, philosophy or logic could prove God, yet it the same time neither could it disprove Him either. God could, if He damn well pleased, be a God of science as He could a God of miracles. Newton might have discovered gravity, Darwin evolution and Einstein relativity. God created these.

God definitely isn't a logical God either. To try to use logic to define a being that is over and above logic is like trying to use a ruler to take a person's weight. If anything, religion has, over the years, proven itself to be utterly illogical. Which idiot dies a painful and horrible death for a world who hates him? Who in his right mind would choose to let birds eat his flesh just so they wouldn't die of hunger? Have we stopped for a moment and pondered about just how stupid the whole concept of altruism really is? Or how about courage, discipline or even worse, humility? Why then, are these so-called virtues so highly praised?

David was a wee little punk -- God made him king. Jonah was a coward -- but God used him. The apostles were a bunch of uneducated losers -- but God used them to found the church. Mother Teresa was a poor nun -- but God used her to inspire the world. But isn't that the beauty of miracles, that the loser, the weakling, turns out to be the very trump card? If it were the strong and gifted man chosen, then that wouldn't make it much of a miracle -- it ought to be expected of him. Wouldn't it then, be utterly logical? The League of Nations, founded by world leaders, lasted 20 years. In contrast, an institution founded by a bunch of uneducated losers has lasted 2000 years (and many more to come). I must admit it seems as logical as the sky is blue.

Even if I wasn't going to believe, it wouldn't have been a loss for God in any case. God won't get smaller because one less person believes in Him. Even if the whole world would cease to believe, God would remain God. But it certainly would make me smaller to not believe. Whose loss is it for being narrow-minded but my own? Ethics, morality and the betterment of species are but processes in the pursuit of the meaning of existence. I sure am glad that I'm now certain of the end point -- God.

Existence has never been more meaningful.

gray

Colour. It's beautiful isn't it? We like it when our lives are colourful, or when something adds colour to them. Colour is medicine for a dull world. Yet today, the colours of the world suddenly seemed to be so... empty and unsatisfying. 

Money money money. Must be dull in a rich man's world alright.

joy

God, why is it there are so few youths at daily Mass? Why do all the people attending have to be so... old? Why is it we young people can be so energetic for youth ministry and its related events and yet we drag our feet when it comes to celebrating... you? 

"Why do we have to follow all these weird traditions?"

"Church is boring."

"Mass is too rigid!"

No it's not. Not if you truly understand the meaning of it. Mass wasn't created to be an obligation; Mass is beautiful. Mass is holy. Mass is alive. Similarly, the Law wasn't created for Man to serve, but to serve Man. When we truly seek God, the Law ceases to be a law. It becomes something that draws us closer, right into the heart of God. We stop obliging the Law. It is now written on our hearts.

"I rejoiced that they said to me, 'Let us go to the house of the LORD.
At last our feet are standing at your gates, Jerusalem! 
Jerusalem, built as a city, in one united whole, 
there the tribes go up, the tribes of the LORD, a sign for Israel to give thanks to the name of the LORD. 
For there are set the thrones of judgement, the thrones of the house of David. 
Pray for the peace of Jerusalem, prosperity for your homes! 
Peace within your walls, prosperity in your palaces! 
For love of my brothers and my friends I will say, 'Peace upon you!' 
For love of the house of the LORD our God I will pray for your well-being." Ps 122

Hey God, I could use another body or six. 

"A voice of one that cries in the desert: Prepare a way for the Lord, make his paths straight." Mk 1:3

Here I am in the desert. Oh, it's so very hot. But the paths ahead are crooked...

mystery

You love me not for who I am, but in spite of who I am. What have I that isn't a gift from You? What have I done that was good that was not put in my heart by You? What have I done that could even add to Your glory?  

I am truly wicked in Your sight, yet You loved me by Your cross to make me blameless before God. Who am I to deserve Your salvation? Who am I to be worth dying for? Who would I be if not for You?

I thought I knew humility. You make my humility look prideful. I thought I knew justice. Your justice makes mine look crooked. I thought I knew love. You are love. 

If I were to praise You, it would add nothing to Your glory. Even if I were to cease praising You, it would not remove anything from Your glory either. Your glory needs not the world to acknowledge. No, the world needs to acknowledge Your glory.

Because it is in praising You that I draw nearer to You, that I find myself in Your courts. You don't need to draw closer to me, You already are in me. But I would not be in You if I were not to praise You. You don't need me to be complete; I am incomplete without You. 

I was not faithful to You, yet You were faithful to me. I was hopeless; You gave me hope. I didn't love You. But You have loved me with an everlasting love.

I can't understand why. 

Who can comprehend the mind of God? 

grit

Damn responsibilities.

I need a break.

But still I must press on.

This is my most challenging, most taxing season yet.

But God has never promised an easy path.

"So refine me Lord through the flames."

Struggling to hear that still-small voice within me.

Must.

Keep.

The.

Faith.

breathless

Lost for words with all to say
Lord you take my breath away
Still my soul, my soul cries out
For you are holy

Life hasn't been dealing very good hands to me lately. Sigh. Yet... In the thick of the battle, as I struggle against lapsing into a mindless rush, I think about how Jesus, fully human, took his suffering so bravely, so lovingly, and in so reached a state fully divine.

Truly, Lord, you are set apart. Who can compare to you? Which other man has reached your state of perfection? Which other man could love so wholly, so selflessly? Which other man could be as humble as you, who "did not view equality with God as something to be grasped", but instead was "obedient to the point of death, death on a cross"?

How can I ever begin to comprehend the depth of your love, Lord? You are so great, and I so unworthy, yet you loved me so to make me all that I am, you loved me so to put your life down for me. And you leave me speechless, speechless in the sight of your great love.

Empower me God! Let me be an example, a signboard pointing to you, a mirror reflecting your light. Let my every breath, my every word, my every deed -- let it all be done for you! May your love be all I desire, and may I, in turn, desire to give you all my love.

random thought: there's too many girls in my life right now. 

where are the bros when you need them?

insatiable

2 years down the road: I've come a very long way from the time I first made a serious effort to uphold my faith. My faith has grown in leaps and bounds. When I rationally think about the 'then' and the 'now' I cannot deny this.

Yet it seems like the closer I draw to God, the more great I realize He is. The more great I realize He is, the more I realize how sinful I am. And thus the I feel so much further away from God than when I first started. But this just makes the hunger for God grow. It is ravenous. It is insatiable. I can't get enough. Nothing else can compare. Nothing else will do.

I guess the first key in the pursuit of holiness lies in awareness. Awareness of God and hence awareness of oneself. I do find it interesting that many of the greatest of saints thought themselves to be the greatest of sinners before God. But awareness isn't enough. We can be aware of something and still not desire it. And ultimately, we must act upon this desire.

I love you, God. Let me love you more. Oh, so very, very much more.

truth seeking

Out of sight, out of mind. It's easier to run isn't it?

Away from me, my conscience! Then I need not be found in the wrong!

Away from me, my conscience! Better that I know not my own sin!

Away from me, my conscience! I won't need to reflect and repent!

After all, truth is such a bitch.

Observe. Discern. Act.

The 'act' part seems rather lacking indeed. 

Fear? Not quite. 

Too much second guessing.

God, I need some faith in myself.

Would you save me from this ruin?

"Take pity on me, Yahweh, for I am in trouble. Vexation is gnawing away my eyes, my soul deep within me." Psalm 31:9

Stuck.

Band. CMS. Cliques. Bros.

Amplify. Exco. Movers.

Church. School. Family.

Responsibilities. Desires. Needs.

Secular world. Spiritual world.

Emotions. Rationale.

Stuck.

Split.

3's a crowd I'd say.

moving on

Life has a habit of throwing you curveballs sometimes. Months and years down the road, you find yourself in the same places, only the people around you have changed. And you stop and think: Wait. Wasn't it just the other day that...? Seasons change but memories linger, neither bitter, neither sweet, yet somehow both.

It does seem somewhat odd to be walking down those halls, roads, places alone; You turn and hey, no one's there. Phantom conversations and laughter ring in your ears, expressions play before your mind's eye. Much to learn and cherish indeed, yet we musn't let these hold us back from moving forward. 

The reality of life is that people do come and go. Some are more impactful than others. Some are harder to forget. Still, by God's grace we learn to accept whatever or whoever comes our way and in the process of learning -- find peace.

Thank you God for your gift of people. You touch us through them in so many ways; As we move through the seasons of life, you send different people to us, each bearing distinct fingerprints and whispers of your presence, each teaching us different lessons, each revealing to us sides of you which we never before could comprehend, and each showing us faces of your love. 

And so you lead us forward into new light...

music

Just the other day, I was thinking about, among other things, pianists and what makes a good or bad one. Having played the piano for more than a decade now (wow that makes me old doesn't it), one eventually arrives at the conclusion that manic technical ability really accounts to nothing much as far as music is concerned.

Lang Lang can play his crazy Horowitz-Liszt pieces to perfection, Maksim can trill his 14 notes per second, sure. But if their heart isn't in it, it merely makes them technical virtuosos -- there wouldn't be much of a difference if a robot was programmed to play the same piece. Heck, a robot probably wouldn't even make any mistakes. By all accounts, it should be perfect.

But it isn't. What really does make good music? Certainly, a degree of technical skill is required. More importantly, the pianist must play from his heart. A good pianist can play pieces that are technically difficult. But it takes a really gifted pianist to tell a tale with his music, so much so that the music becomes alive.

Sometimes in our pursuit of God, we tend to overlook our heart and drown in a sea of technicality. We are so focused on trying to play the music that we forget its meaning and beauty. Being a person of routine, I have to admit to being very guilty of this. I go through the motions of prayer and worship while forgetting just who is it exactly that I'm praying to. I'm so caught up with a crescendo in my prayer music exactly where the score dictates, or an accelerando right there in that specific bar. I stop feeling the music. I become a robot.

Sometimes, our very virtuosity is in itself the greatest obstacle to listening to the music of God. One of my gripes with many of the younger generation of pianists is that they are far too obsessed with speed. How many times have we rushed through the rites of Mass without slowing down to contemplate their meaning? I'm so proficient in saying fixed prayers like the Our Father and Hail Mary that sometimes my mind switches to an 'auto-pilot' mode. Have I been truly doing justice to the prayers (and oh, what beautiful prayers they are)?

You see what makes the music of life just so perfect is that it is imperfect. We stumble, we fall, we make mistakes. We mess up our staccatos and legatos, our ornaments and our dynamics, maybe even our piano itself is out of tune. But still we press on in our playing, we pick ourselves up and continue the chase for God. See if God wanted a perfect race He'd have been better off making robots, machines that wouldn't fail. But then love wouldn't be called love, beauty wouldn't be called beauty, and faith wouldn't be called faith. These are qualities which are by nature exceptional, yet if they were to become innate in all of us, they would cease to be.

Because it is when us ugly, imperfect creatures of little faith truly comprehend to live our lives in perfect love, when the technically incompetent pianist pours his heart and soul out into a piece that may well be beyond his capacity, that the music of life becomes truly beautiful.

Old ghosts a-haunting while I'm vulnerable. 

God, would you save me from myself?

excuse me

Eh Jesus, I'm damn busy now.

But so were you, if not moreso.

Don't have time for you.

But you were never too busy for me.

You see, I have things more important to do.

Things more important than my salvation?

Things more important than you.

How could the created be more important than the creator?

It's not my fault that my schedule is so tight.

Yet it's my fault that I didn't build my schedule around you.

Excuse me, I'm trying to be selfish here.

But still you loved me selflessly.

Oh, just shut up.

Sorry, that won't do.

God, I'm just so drained. Why?

I'm feeling damn tu lan about everything now.

But still I must press on.

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."

Why?

Hanging on by a hair's breadth.

tire

Life hasn't been easy. I do wish I didn't have so many commitments. I do wish I wouldn't have so much on my mind. I do wish I wasn't in so many committees, that things would quit cropping up so I wouldn't have to keep missing sessions and P&W (when was the last time I even had that?), that I wouldn't have so little energy...

But life has been fun. School has been enjoyable, I've been getting closer to my friends more than ever, I'm making an effort to make new friends and be more sociable... Yet somehow there's no one to turn to. Not that I don't trust my friends (they're great and they genuinely care, really). It's taxing to run a lone game. God's there, definitely, but He sure isn't making things easy. I guess I still need to wean myself off the whole relying on feeling comforted thing. 

I'm tired. I'm everywhere yet nowhere. Prayer and spirituality has been difficult. Free time... what's that? But still. Musn't lose hope hope hope hope hope hope hope...

"You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in your word." Ps 119:114

"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope." Ps 130:5

"For you have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from years, my feet from stumbling; I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living. I believed, even when I spoke: 'I am greatly afflicted.'" Ps 116:8-10

"Come to me, all you who labour and are overburdened, and I will give you rest. Shoulder my yoke and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. Yes, my yoke is easy and my burden light." Mt 11:28-30

God be the solution.

stretch

It's funny how I'm being caught up in so much ministry-related activities, yet God feels so distant. How ministry (juggled alongside school) is ironically giving me less and less time to meditate and pray. How prayer is starting to feel more like words than an active communication between God and myself.

And yet, I guess I've journeyed long enough to know that the "feel" isn't as important as the "do". 

Must. Persist.

But it's a struggle to have to do without active input, to have to persevere in dry prayer, to have to timetable commitments, to have to....

Yet at the end of the day, I know that you O God have put me in this season for a reason (it rhymes!). Oh, you're so frustrating aren't you. Surely, Lord, you're seeding something which I'll look back upon in time to come and marvel at your wisdom. But it's just your style to not give me the knowledge of the what. 

But still, I have hope in your plans. For in order to grow, we must first be stretched.

truth

"Simon Peter answered, 'Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the message of eternal life, and we believe; we have come to know that you are the Holy One of God.'" John 6:68-69

What does it mean to pursue the truth? What does it take to pursue the truth? What will I give to achieve the truth? Who is the truth?

"'Truth?' said Pilate. 'What is that?'" [quid est veritas?]

Why do I subscribe to this faith? Why am I irrevocably Catholic? What makes me Catholic? Because I've been baptized into the faith? Because I go for Mass every Sunday? What makes me Christian? 

"I am the way, the truth and the light."

Do I believe in the truth? Who is this truth?

"'I am the living bread which has come down from heaven. Anyone who eats this bread will live for ever; and the bread that I shall give is my flesh, for the life of the world.'"

He must be crazy. What, he wants us to be cannibals and all that? Should we skewer him and roast him over a fire? Would it make a difference if he were honey glazed or smoked? And we would live forever should we eat this man's flesh?

Pilate's question of the truth, no doubt in jest, ought not be taken lightly. In the pursuit of truth, we cannot join the rest of the world. We cannot stand by and accept watered down versions of truth just so others would accept us. It takes a certain set-apart-ness to pursue the truth, a daring and courage to be different.

"I'm Christian! Oh but I'm not into the whole holy-moly prayer thing..."

"I'm a non-practicing Christian..."

What's a non-practicing Christian? A Christian that doesn't practice his faith? What's so Christian about that, then? It's about as Christian as a crocodile is vegan. If you don't live out the truth, it shows that you don't believe in it fully. Would you live out a lie?

"I'm Christian because I believe that Jesus Christ is the truth. And so I live in Christ and I live out Christ."

Living out the truth is never easy. All too often it means doing the things I don't like doing, doing the things that others don't like me to be doing, doing the things that nobody else wants to be doing... Because the truth is never pretty. Truth is brutal. Truth is harsh. Truth is insecurity. But only -- only to the eyes of the world.

When, at the end of everything and everyone else has deserted you, when everyone else has given up on finding a truth that is ugly, brutal, harsh, what will you do?

'Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the message of eternal life, and we believe; we have come to know that you are the Holy One of God.'

morning reverie

The past few weeks have been crazy busy and tiring, and lately it's been difficult to find a quiet and peaceful place to shut myself away from the world and just contemplate on God's word. This morning however, presented an all-too-rare opportune moment of peace: I was an hour early, the lecture theater was quiet and the Bible was beckoning.

Psalm 62: My soul waits for God alone.

"For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation." 62:1

Have you O Lord been my only source of hope?
Do I wait upon you in joyful hope of your salvation?
Or have I pegged this salvation to material things?

"He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken." 62:2

Do I turn to you alone, God, in times of need?
Or do I try to rely on my own strength?
Has my faith in you been shakeable?

"Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us." 62:8

Would you O Lord hear the cry of my soul?
"O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water." 63:1 
Would you O Lord grow your love in my life?
That I would trust in you alone and take refuge in you always?
Would you "lead me to the rock that is higher than I?" 61:2



Jesus, lead me back to you!

Take all of me and grow yourself in me. Let me desire nothing but you Lord: For all things I consider as rubbish as compared to the truth I gain that is in you. Forgive me where I have ever considered your love as insufficient for me!

"So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory. Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I will lift up my hands." Psalm 63:2-4

for peace like a river

God's playing pranks on me again. Tsk.

My mind is really getting caught up in worldly things.

Yet Lord, you know my heart.

Look with pity and favour on the cry of my soul Lord! 

By your power would you break these chains that weigh me down?

I just want to be free to worship, free to pray.

I really need your grace to bring me through these distractions.

Would you fix my eyes upon your face Jesus?

Let not my life make your death for me be in vain.

Your will O Lord: nothing more, nothing less, nothing else.

Amen.

"This poor man called, and the LORD heard him."

I keep forgetting you, God. This is not good. My mind seems to be becoming increasingly secularized... 

Lord your summons echoes true when you but call my name.
Let me turn and follow you and never be the same.
In Your company I'll go where Your love and footsteps show.
Thus I'll move and live and grow in you and you in me.

Would you grow yourself in me, Jesus? Would you help break down these walls in my life that I my embrace you fully?

Straining my ears to hear that still-small voice.

deja vu

3 years down the road and I find myself in this place again. Why does history have such a habit of repeating itself? Only... I know God so much better this time round. 

To think that just a few months ago I was pondering on that same question, and I came up with the answer that God lets history repeat itself so that we would have a chance to do what was right where before we did what was wrong. How ironic, now, that I have to taste my own advice. It sure isn't as palatable as I'd like it to be.

It's cruelly comedic.

white rose

It's been difficult to uphold my spiritual discipline lately, what with all the commitments and school which I need to juggle. Lessons have only just started this week and already I'm feeling the physical strain... Not to mention that going for daily mass and praying the rosary daily is increasingly becoming a challenge.

But still... I have no excuse. Yes, my parents don't approve of me going for morning mass as I'd like to. Yes, I've been reaching home at the darker hours of the day lately. Yes, I've been up to my eyeballs with my commitments. And yes, I haven't been in a right state of mind these days. But that is insufficient excuse for my recent failure to commit to a regular and proper quiet time. There is no such thing as having no time to pray. And it's even worse to neglect prayer just because I "don't have the mood to pray." How shallow can I get?

There is so much to do. So many people to reach out to, so many people to bring to God. Yet how can I preach the Good News if I myself don't live it out? It makes me a Pharisee, a hypocrite, a merchant of false truths. Worse, it smears the name of God.

So today, I set aside some time to pray the rosary. It was one of the most difficult and dry rosaries that I'd said in quite a while. Yet as I struggled to focus, the message remained clear:

Trust in the Holy Spirit.
Trust in Jesus.
Trust in God.
Persevere in striving for Holiness.
Love God unceasingly.

So far you've led me, Jesus. On what grounds do I even have the right to doubt you?

"'Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far, and grace will lead me home."

dialogue of days

"Why're you showing me this person?"

"For the joy of the LORD will be your strength."

And you entered.

"Why're you showing me this person?"

-silence-

"It's getting rather hard to serve you, God. Not so much as my flesh is unwilling as circumstances don't allow it... What should I do?"

"Does the LORD so delight in holocausts and sacrifices as in obedience to the command of the LORD? Obedience is better than sacrifice, and submission than the fat of rams."

"Why do you show me these parallels? What do you wish me to do? What is your will?"

-silence-

"For this people's heart has become calloused; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes. Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts and turn, and I would heal them"

"Jesus, would you break down the walls of my heart and open my eyes and my ears to be receptive to you?"

"Have you forgotten my words? I'd never say things like that so lightly."

"God, how do I know if the words I speak are from you? How do I know if I do your will when the lines are so blurred? How?"

For this people's heart has become calloused; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes. Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts and turn, and I would heal them. Acts 28:27

inspire

She's sleepy, tired, maybe even a bit feverish... Sitting in a crowded train, trying her best to fight off fatigue. The train comes to the station, a blind man gets on. Everyone in the train doesn't seem to notice -- perhaps they don't want to notice him even.

Oh, her head is throbbing, her legs don't wanna move, yet her heartstrings are a-tuggin', tugging for the man she does not know: Someone, anyone, would you be kind enough to spare this poor soul your seat? Have you all not a shred of compassion?

And so she puts aside her tiredness and rises: Good sir, please, have a seat, you need it more than I. This grab-pole is plenty fine, no I insist, you musn't decline. 

A few stops down, she finds a seat, but look! There boards a mother and her young child: Oh, how I wish my conscience wouldn't hurt me so! Good people of Singapore, would you do me a favor, save a seat for: this child and mother. Yet not a finger is lifted, not an eyebrow raised.

And so she puts aside her tiredness and rises: My lady, your child and your good self look really tired, please, take this seat, you must, you must.

Dear sister,

I know you not, and you know not I. Yet I am a witness to your great love, your actions have moved me deeply to the core. For all your tiredness, still not one mite did you withold. Oh it seems sometimes, that no one really cares, and its a struggle to see, how compassion could ever reward. But know this, dear sister, He who is Love has seen your love. How lucky am I to witness this!

And I thank God for you, dear sister whom I know not, you have inspired me greatly to love without counting the cost, to fight without heeding the wounds, to labour and not seek reward, except that of knowing that I do God's will. And I know for sure that: "He who sees what is done in secret will reward you."

"Sisters, we were made for kindness: we can pierce the darkness as He shines through us. We will come reaching: with a song of healing -- and they will know us by our love."

loaded

I'm starting to wonder: What's the defining factor that differentiates between giving up and letting go? One is a lack of ambition, the other an acceptance of what must come.

If I were to be offered a prestigious scholarship and an opportunity to study in another country, but then decide not to take it, would that be giving up, or would it be letting go?

Or not accepting a better paying or more glamorous job offer over the current one?

Or to stop chasing after a dream when the it is in sight?

I would suppose it all boils down to the intention. Problem is, I'm not an ambitious person. But what does it matter, in any case? All that jamming yesterday must have gotten to my head. More importantly, my spirituality has been in shambles in recent weeks. So much for seeking first the kingdom eh. 

Some thoughts for reflection:

How greatly do I desire God that I'd be willing to discipline myself?

Am I letting go of troublesome approaches to prayer or am I giving up?

At which point is the line crossed?

15 When they had eaten, Jesus said to Simon Peter, 'Simon son of John, do you love me more than these others do?' He answered, 'Yes, Lord, you know I love you.' Jesus said to him, 'Feed my lambs.' 

16 A second time he said to him, 'Simon son of John, do you love me?' He replied, 'Yes, Lord, you know I love you.' Jesus said to him, 'Look after my sheep.' 

17 Then he said to him a third time, 'Simon son of John, do you love me?' Peter was hurt that he asked him a third time, 'Do you love me?' and said, 'Lord, you know everything; you know I love you.' Jesus said to him, 'Feed my sheep. 

18 In all truth I tell you, when you were young you put on your own belt and walked where you liked; but when you grow old you will stretch out your hands, and somebody else will put a belt round you and take you where you would rather not go.' 

19 In these words he indicated the kind of death by which Peter would give glory to God. After this he said, 'Follow me.'

price to pay

We cannot truly be courageous if we have not first experienced fear.
We cannot have faith if we have not first known doubt.
We cannot savour rest if we have not first tasted labour.
We won't be able to truly appreciate joy if we have not first known sorrow.
We won't cherish freedom as much if we have not first endured suffering.

If we forget fear -- we cease to be courageous and become foolhardy.
If we forget doubt -- we become blinded by false faith.
If we forget labour -- we no longer rest but are slothful.
If we forget sorrow -- we lose sight of what is joy.
If we forget suffering -- we become enslaved to our freedom.

Our salvation (freedom) was bought with a heavy price, a ransom of flesh and blood and tears (suffering), a ransom we must always remember. If we base our spirituality on the feel-goods and the joys only it is but a matter of time till it topples. Faith must be grounded in truth -- and this truth is that Jesus Christ suffered and died on the cross (sorrow) in atonement for our sins. "And for this God raised him high [through his resurrection], and gave him the name which is above all other names" (joy).

One man's obedience brought about salvation for all. What could be a better fairytale ending? Yet behind every fairytale ending lies a lot of hard work which we so often do not see. We could always envy and wish to share in that fairytale, but that wouldn't get us anywhere. Or we could put in some hard work to achieve that freedom and joy.

Have I forgotten Christ's suffering? Am I willing to endure labour to make good his sorrow?

random observation

Over the past few months, it seems like Tuesdays and Fridays have been, with a certain regularity, emo max days.

It must be something to do with the sorrowful mysteries.

worm

I would mope and slop around, content to stay put in this muck that I am in, lazy and worthless creature that I am! Yet how great is Your love O God, that I -- but a mere worm of a man in Your sight, so filled with sin and evil -- would mean something in Your sight, that You would not let me do so? Despite my wretchedness You would use me as an instrument (oh how unreliable an instrument!) in Your great plan of salvation; You would use me, rusty vessel that I am, to reach out to those around me, in ways beyond my limited human comprehension. 

How could I ever comprehend Your ways, Lord? My selfish schemes and plans are but worthless folly before Your will, a vanity of vanities -- truly Man proposes and You dispose. Heed not the rot which I babble (this included) and use me as You will. I am Your servant, the mere whim of my existence is to bring You glory. So speak, Lord, Your servant listens.

scattered reflections

I'm feeling reflective but my thoughts are all over the place.

Random thought #1:

I love the God that made you. Or, I love the you God made? Is one wrong and one right? Is one better than the other? Personally, I'd choose the latter. The former seems to carry the connotations of one loving God for what God has done for oneself, seems to imply loving God because one loves a beloved. The latter, however, implies that one loves the person (who may not necessarily be beloved even) because one loves God first. But is there really a difference, or is it just a play of English?

I love the Giver because of the gifts. I love the gifts because of the Giver.

Random thought #2:

".... as if they could escape punishment for their acts when those blind acts are the very punishment they inflict on themselves, far worse than anything they do to others."

I think that line speaks for itself. What does God mean when He says He will punish us? How could a being of love and mercy inflict harm to a person? Well, He doesn't. We inflict the harm on ourselves. Our inerrant ways are in themselves the very punishment we bring unto ourselves:

"The LORD, the LORD, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, keeping steadfast love for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, but who will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children and the children's children, to the third and the fourth generation."

Is not a murderer's son labelled as according to his father's crime, even though he himself may be innocent? When we sin, who suffers the most? Very often, it is those who love us and whom we love...

in praise of God

"Quod scripsi, scripsi." [What I have written, I have written.]

What you have willed Lord, you have willed. I desire no more and no less than your will. I won't attempt to force anything outside your will either. Well, not that it's possible in any case.

My mind is clear; what I foresaw has been fulfilled. I'm pretty content to leave it as that -- life goes on as usual, not that much has changed to begin with. Whatever God sends my way, He will send my way.

"In all things, praise God."

Praise you God, for the people you have brought into my life. Through them you have showered me with your love. Through them you have taught me your virtues of faith, hope and love. Through them you have grown me more and more into your image and likeness. Through them -- you have been you.

Praise you God, for you have done great things in my life. For the joys which you bring into my life, and especially for the sorrows which teach me to cherish the joys, which teach me to stand firm in your truth and in your love [in veritate et caritate]. For the trials you send my way that I might share in your suffering.

Praise you God, for your will is unchanging and so often difficult. You have taught me the transience of the world. You have taught me the true happiness of not getting what I want but doing what you want. You have challenged me to rise up above my fleshly self. And you have let me play a part in your salvation.

Praise you God, for you have taught me to comprehend your Son's teaching: "Now my soul is troubled. What shall I say: Father, save me from this hour? But it is for this very reason that I have come to this hour. Father, glorify your name! A voice came from heaven, 'I have glorified it, and I will again glorify it.'"

Praise you God, for your love and grace are enough for me -- I shall ask for nothing more.

Amen.

'cause you had a bad day

God,

I don't understand you.

Why do you make me go through such crap in my life?

Why do I have to bear burdens which so often aren't even mine?

I want a break. Yes, a break now would be very nice.

**

"True happiness isn't in getting what you want. True happiness is in doing what God wants."

Apt. Very apt. I must say that God has always gifted me with a certain clarity of mind. Yet that hardly takes away the frustration; Moreover, it often adds to it -- it is both a blessing and a curse.

I find it ironic, however, that lately I've been becoming that which I once mocked. One year ago:

"If I had the means to produce my very own variety/talent show, I'd call it: "So you think you are fat."

And then if it were to be successful, I'd make another, called: "So you think your life sucks."

Oh how I mock at you, you people in the developed world wallowing in self pity about your emotional/psychological problems while the rest of the world struggles just to put food on the table. And about how school is such a bore and how that teacher or classmate hates you while other children don't even have the means of receiving some form of education. And about how your mum is a bitch and your dad a control freak while other kids don't even have whole families."

But wait.

"Our sufferings are our crosses allowed by God. We must bear them patiently in atonement for our sins." 

I am a bound sinner. I want to be free. I want God. I need God. Growing towards freedom, growing towards God is painful -- but only to the sinner in us. Suffering teaches our soul patience, teaches our soul to rely on God. The sinner dislikes the pain, of course -- he is selfish and he wants only pleasure. But the soul must embrace it, rejoice in it -- one step closer is he to God, one step closer is he to true happiness, to freedom.

Am I going through crap in my life? Maybe. But:

"Rejoice in the Lord always: and again I say, rejoice"

"If the world hates you, remember that it hated me first."

"But he was pierced for our offenses, crushed for our sins, upon him was the chastisement that makes us whole, by his stripes we were healed."

Let me remember that real freedom lies in truth, and truth in the Word. As always, "Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God". 

What is the helmet of salvation? It is the helmet of hope. Hope that "The Almighty works marvels for me, holy is His name... ... He casts the mighty from their thrones, and raises the lowly." Hope that "I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you." Hope that in the crap I'm going through, God has a greater plan for me to bring me to happiness.

**

God,

I don't understand you, but I trust in you. 

You alone know my heart, you know that I desire for you above all things!

Search me O Lord, make me righteous in your sight.

And I will sing your praises, all the days of my life.

Today, Lord, today I took a break. But I promise you, I will return stronger in your love and grace.

random fumblings

God has been answering my pre-Mass prayers rather quickly these days.

Friday: Write your law in my heart.
Mass reading: the Ten Commandments.

Today: Change my heart to seek you first.
Closing hymn: Seek ye first the Kingdom.

That said, laziness has been getting to me lately. I've been meaning to write a post for all eternity (and mind you, I have all the time in the world) but just haven't gotten down to doing so. Maybe later. Or maybe tomorrow. Or maybe the day after...

Posts aside, life has been... bland. But but but I trust in God that He will write his will into the story of my life. It's still a struggle to do the whole 'let go and let God' thing sometimes though. But if I bank on the promises of the answered prayers... =)

Seek ye first the Kingdom of God,
And His righteousness.
And all these things shall be added unto you,
Allelu, Alleluia.

one of my darker days.
they seem to have been occuring more often lately.
i wonder why.
must be the damn fringe. sigh.

So many people. Only 1 me. Why me? What has changed to give rise to this?

"To Bing Xing: A guy who is always stress-free everyday in school. Thanks for teaching me to ride a bicycle. From Jeremy."

That used to be me.

Happy-go-lucky?

No more.

But whatever goes.

Heh.

'"I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered. "May it be to me as you have said." Then the angel left her.'

flu blues

I didn't go for Mass today because I was sick. Boo. 

I wanna eat chocolate but it'll worsen the sore throat. Boo.

I don't feel like praying in this state of delirium. Boo.

It's devilishly hot and yet unbearably cold. Boo.

Oddly enough the fever reminded me of Hell.

The burning heat of hatred and fury.

Yet the icy cold of loneliness and numbness.

Hell is both too hot and too cold at the same time.

Christianity is neither supposed to be liberal nor fundamentalist.

Rather, it's about being moderate. 

Neither of the extremes work.

Too liberal and you forget your foundations.

Too fundamentalist and you stop growing.

God isn't too hot or too cold.

God isn't a God of extremes.

God is like a cool breeze on a hot day.

An oasis we can take refuge in from the heat.

Yet God is also the warmth of a fire on a cold day.

Bringing light to a world in darkness.

God is -- just nice.

(Although that doesn't take away the blues.)

empty/full

色就是空，空就是色

The things of this world are transient. 

It is but a matter of time before they pass away.

The colour of the world is emptiness in life.

Yet it is when we empty our life of the world that we find true colour.

I don't know anything about the world.

My life must be rather boring and colourless.

My life must be... empty.

But wait.

I know God.

My life is... colour... full?

Surprise me, God. I could use a few surprises in my life right now. Nice ones, of course.

Am I on a path that leads to flames and ashes?

'I shall be with you,' God said, 'and this is the sign by which you will know that I was the one who sent you. After you have led the people out of Egypt, you will worship God on this mountain.' Exodus 3:12

I must say, you have an uncanny ability to break my heart.

Why me, Lord?

Not for the trial to be made easier, but for Your grace to bring me through it.

center of my life

O Lord, you are the center of my life 
I will always praise you 
I will always serve you 
I will always keep you in my sight 

Keep me safe O God, I take refuge in you. 
I say to the Lord "You are my God, 
My happiness lies in you alone, 
My happiness lies in you alone."

This hymn has been playing in my head for quite a bit lately... I find it rather apt since God is above me (the Father), beside me (the Son) and within me (the Holy Spirit). 

I find it most annoying that my spiritual life seems to peak when I am in times of need, when I suffer some sort of 'affliction' in life (Most notably, Bravo Coy in SISPEC). Yet when these tough times pass (cue the overused army quote, "Tough times don't last -- Tough men do."), and life couldn't seem to get any better, I hit a dry spell. "O Lord, why art thou so irritating?"

I've come to realize that the answer lies in the hymn above. It is in the easy moments of life where I forget the giver over the gifts. It is in these moments where I sing,

O Lord, you are the center of my life (but I don't need you)
I will always praise you (but I've forgotten you)
I will always serve you (what's there to serve?)
I will always keep you in my sight (after this game).

I get so caught up with the gifts of good life that I forget exactly who these gifts came from, that the gifts cease to be gifts but rather things which I feel I deserve. How ironic that these, though gifts from God, choke me and obscure my vision!

"And some [seed] fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up, and choked it, and it yielded no fruit."

But God, let me not fall sway, by your grace, to this so easily. Let me recognize that all I am and have is a gift from you. Let my joy and my happiness be in you, the Divine Giver, and not in the worldly gifts. Let me always bear the words of St. Ignatius in mind: "You have given me everything I am and have; I give all back to you to stand under your will alone. For your love and grace are enough for me; I shall ask for nothing more."

Because it is truly when "... I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish..." that I can gain the greatest gift of all -- God.

Amen.

My happiness lies in you alone,
My happiness lies in you alone.

burnt but hopeful

Wow.. Haven't updated in ages thanks to all the camps and what not. Lots of thoughts running through my head but I've neither the time nor energy to process them. What remains at the end of the day?

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

In all my tiredness, in all my insecurity, in all my blindness -- hope. Hope in God is a virtue, and I sure am glad I learnt that well this year, else I surely would have faltered by now. Hope is God's answer to dejection; Hope drives out despair. It is hope that gives us the courage to stand up and face the toughest of trials, the most insurmountable of paths.

God,

Thank you for this gift of hope. I trust in you and I trust in your plans -- plans far greater than I could ever imagine. If you O Lord have brought me safe thus far, surely you will bring me home. All I have -- thou hast given. What thou hast given -- take as according to thy will.

Let me never forget that you are Lord over my life, that your will will be done in my life. Let me never forget the covenant you have made with me. Let me never forget that you have gone before me already. Most of all, let me never forget to love and give glory to you, all the days of my life. 

Amen.

i care about you more than i care about our friendship

all the finer things

Random people have the habit of coming up to me and complaining about their issues. One of the more memorable ones was a delightful old lady complaining about some young punk that trod on her foot. Today, it was the bus driver, about a taxi driver. 

But but... Why me? I look very approachable meh?

Then again, it's all these little moments in life that put a smile to your face.

So God, what, or rather who's next?

Oh, and: 

"so im like a castrated man trying to rape a young woman? "

:D

wild rant

Oh, Lord my God!
What hast thy servant done to deserve this plight!
I deplore thee, lead not this little one to great testing -- save me from the evil one!
Hide not thy face from me, remove not thy Holy Spirit! 

Come, O Holy Spirit, fill the hearts of your faithful, and enkindle them in the fire of your love.
Send forth your spirit, O Lord, and they shall be created.
And you shall renew the face of the earth.

You, O Lord, shall open my lips.
And my tongue shall declare your praise.

Incline unto my aid, O God.
O Lord, make haste to help me.

What's right, God?

"For he is our God, and we the people of his sheepfold, the flock of his hand. If only you would listen to him today! Do not harden your hearts as at Meribah, as at the time of Massah in the desert..." Psalm 95:7-8

"For this people's heart has become calloused; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes. Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts and turn, and I would heal them." Acts 28:27

I confess, to almighty God, and to you my brothers and sisters, that I have sinned through my own fault. In my thoughts and in my words, in what I have done, and in what I have failed to do.

blue night

boo. something isn't quite right... but what?
rest. pray. drag.
say your prayers?
no. pray a prayer.
such a drag.
i want rest.
but no.
gotta pray.
gotta.
pray?

The battle has really just begun alright. But even as I scramble to fasten my armor invisible hands hold me back. I'm caught -- between family, friends, school, ministry and my participants. I'm really feeling at a loss for what to do. I owe duties to all of them, yet it seems impossible to fulfill all of them too. What's the way out of this?

So many people, so little me...

I could use some Jesus time -- if I can find the time in the first place.

"In the morning, long before dawn, he got up and left the house and went off to a lonely place and prayed there." Mark 1:35

the battle begins

Random fact: I've been bumping into an inordinate amount of cross-dressers/transvestites lately. What's going on?

The 4 day 3 night retreat may be over, but the battle of YISS has barely just begun. If, before and during YI we needed to pray a lot, then now we must pray still more earnestly. Because spirituality isn't about 4 day 3 night stay-in retreats; no, spirituality is about applying Christ to our daily living, in places where there isn't quite a spiritual, but rather secular, slant, in places which are (pardon my language) downright living hell. How do we apply Christ to a living hell?

"Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God." Ephesians 6:13-17

I haven't completed my research on this spiritual warfare verse yet, but here's what I've reached so far:

Breastplate of righteousness: A breastplate protects the heart; We must put on righteousness to guard our hearts from swaying towards evil.

Helmet of salvation: A helmet protects the head; Salvation acknowledges that God alone is solely responsible for saving us -- nothing we have done has added anything to this. The helmet of salvation prevents our heads from literally getting too big -- it lets us acknowledge that God is God, and we are not. It also prevents our heads from leading us to think that anything could ever take away God's love for us.

There's still so much more... Hopefully I'll be able to completely chew through this :P

Let us take up the whole armor of God as we prepare to enter the battle.

Rescued... by Love?

Wow. YISS has drawn to a close in a blink of the eye. I must say that the theme really did speak loads to me throughout the course of the 4 days. That said, the highlight for me was neither the healing nor the outpouring. Instead, it came rather oddly, in the form of a farewell.

A group of us were tending to a participant who had been unwell. Throughout the entire time all that was running thru my head was a thought: "Shower him with God's love." I was really heartened to see the entire service team showering him with their love and concern and prayers. And as he was leaving, I saw how his facil scrambled to say goodbye.

In that brief moment I was suddenly given a stark and poignant reminder of God's love; I was overwhelmed by the sheer raw power of it all and brought close to tears. "This," a voice was saying, "This is how much my love extends to each and every one of you."

This YISS, I wasn't really struck by the sessions, sharings, healing and outpouring (they were awesome, mind you). This YISS, I was bowled over by the love of God. The simple, pure love of God.

I could speak of new tongues, of visions and prophecies, all wonderful gifts from God. But no words can express the greatest gift of all: Love Himself.

Come what may, in God we trust.

We ask not that you lessen the trial we must face, but that you give us the grace to go through it and come out stronger.

May your will be done in our lives.

:)

lost love

"On my bed at night I sought him whom my heart loves -- I sought him but I did not find him." Song of Songs 3:1

"I opened to my lover -- but my lover had departed, gone. I sought him but I did not find him; I called to him but he did not answer me." Song of Songs 5:6

These two verses sum up how I feel pretty well. Burnt out? Maybe a bit. Frustrated? A little. At a loss? Rather.

Lately I've been finding it very hard to find peace at Mass, or while praying. The wanderings of the mind -- the dry spells -- are killing me, killing the joy I once had. I tried taking a complete break from prayers of intercession yesterday to let loose a bit. All that has resulted is an even greater difficulty in resuming. It seems rather ironic, now, that I'll be giving a testimony on the Mass in my current state.

The lyrics from the song Run by Kutless are called to mind: "Whatever happened to the love, the love you had for me?"

I don't doubt God loves me. I never have, never will. But lately I'm beginning to doubt my love for God. It is odd, that not too long ago God was the apple of my eye, the thirst of my soul. Going mere moments without thinking of Him, then, was unthinkable. But now I feel that my heart is caught up in worldly affairs, clouded by human desires, human wants.

And if there is one thing I fear it is this. I'm really afraid of losing sight of God, or worse yet, mistaking something else for God -- worshipping a false god -- that my love has been/is directed to something lesser. Clarity of mind, clarity of mind... I could use lots of that right now.

"I called to him but he did not answer me." Thus begs the question: have I been calling to the correct, the one true God? Have I been seeking him in the wrong place? Am I praying from my heart?

Ah well, I don't know. What I do know is that not being able to 'feel' God around is a far less scary thought than losing my desire for Him. Faith is/has been/will always be a *gasp* struggle for me. But then again, I guess all that really matters in the end is that:

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." 2 Timothy 4:7

And, oddly enough:

"Do you promise to love... in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health... ?"

I do promise. And so I'll never stop seeking... (although I really could use a little help.)

affection

Need

Gift

Give to Need.

Need to Give.

Buying C. S. Lewis' book, The Four Loves, was one of the best things I did this year. In what little of the book I've read already I've begun to understand so much more about myself; things which I intrinsically knew, yet found difficult to define. 

In all honesty, without pride, I do know that my character is such that I'm generally always there when my friends need me, and I don't really expect anything in return. On the surface, perhaps it looks pretty much like I'm giving to a need, and that's that.

But there's more to it. Why my character is such is also because I do feel, rather strongly, a need to be needed, or, in other words, a need to give. Very crudely put, I need my friends to need me. It's somewhat paradoxical, but in a sense, I'm giving to fulfil my own need.

Sometimes, there arises periods of time where I'm not needed. This makes me feel somewhat lost, somewhat unsure of the state of friendship, caught between the happiness of seeing a friend well, happy, yet at the same time being unable to satisfy this need to give.

Like all human loves, this love begins to be a demon when it begins to be a god, as Lewis wisely puts it. We mistake this need to give as evidence that yes, I do love this person by doing this-and-that and that he/she ought to see it and understand.

It gives us an excuse to stand on moral high ground, an excuse to be overbearing and domineering. It stifles the relationship, and the love becomes a source, ironically, for hatred and unhappiness. It becomes a demon, because we treated it as a god.

Yet in its intrinsic nature, it is genuinely humble, genuinely accepting, genuinely honest. There are no airs about it, no hidden motives behind it, no pickiness in the people to whom it presents itself to. It is the most basic and most natural of the loves.

Need?

Gift?

Neither, yet both.

Storge: Affection -- the first love.

wish

If there's one thing that really makes me feel sad, it's seeing wasted talent... Seeing people who could do well not do well because of the company they hang out with, because of their own mentality, because...

You're a smart person. You really are. I can see so much potential in you. If only you would just believe in yourself... If only you could just find that touch of discipline... If only...

Could I have done something about it? Or, could I do something about it? I guess, it's just wishful thinking on my part.

What to do, what to do?
I'm at a loss for what to do.

Dry spells get my mind in a lock,
Begone, annoying writer's block.

But that's not the real root cause,
For this rather undesirable pause

Of any sort of productive activity.
It seems like nothing can satisfy me,

Nothing of this world at least,
They all eventually fade and cease.

Because this emptiness, this hole
can only be filled by one soul:

God.
What am I doing, Lord?

Your word is a lamp unto my feet,
You lead me to streams flowing and sweet.

Let me not with a cup cover
This lamp, else I suffer,

And lose sight of the things that matter,
That which for my soul is better.

So this little one begs Mother Wisdom,
Clarity of mind and spiritual vision,
To do the right work of the Kingdom,
And not be fooled by illusion.

For unless I find myself in God's faction,
There can be no satisfaction... ...

frustration

"... a thorn in the flesh was given to me, an angel of Satan, to beat me, to keep me from being too elated. Three times I begged the Lord about this, that it might leave me, but he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.'..." 2 Corinthians 12:7-9

Spiritual attacks have begun alright... Yet how queer that I never really noticed mine until I was so caught up in the frustration of it all. I ought to have realized earlier, indeed I had many times in the past, but if I ever had a fatal weakness, an Achilles' heel, it would be this. A chink in the armor, a thorn in the flesh. Almost every attack has hit through that hole. It is the root of all undesired emotions, a window for pride and envy...

"Three times I begged the Lord about this, that it might leave me," I guess it all boils down to the fact that God wants me to experience this for a reason. Oh, You definitely have Your plans alright, big guy. But why, why, why!!! Why must you keep questioning my love for You in such a manner? :( Everytime I say "no", everytime I have to deny myself I feel like You're asking, "Do you love me?". "Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you!"

"My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness..." Oddly enough, my co-fac's name is Grace. Hullo Grace, if you're reading this =P. But I guess because of this hole in the armor, so to speak, I really have to rely on nothing but God's grace to stop it up, to depend on the Paraclete to watch my back. And that's when God's power will be made perfect, in my weakness. Besides, gotta remember the countless prayers said because of this. They probably never would have been said if this never happened.

But still one thing I can't understand (okay actually I do but I really wish I didn't) is this... You want me to make the next move, but You keep saying "wait, not now." Man (pun unintended), my patience has really been stretched. But you know what they say after all, "Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord."

P.S.: Pardon the cryptic language.

movie rants

I tried to break the monotony of my life today by watching one of the many DVDs which my brother um, procured thru means unknown, Miami Vice. Cut the long story short, having seen bits of the original series, I wasn't particularly thrilled that they made Rico into a black guy (not that I have anything against African-Americans, mind you), and that Sonny looked like some cowboy-punk-in-a-suit. 

But that's besides the point. I struggled to grasp the plot (was there even one?) amidst all the money, sex, drugs, sex, lies, sex, violence and sex. Oh, and did I mention sex? Seriously every other scene must have been one of the above described things. No prizes for guessing correctly which one predominated. Not to mention that half the script was probably "f--- you" or "f--- this" or "f--- that" or something along those lines. Such is the state of the modern action movie eh.

On a brighter side there was a Chinese lady on the set, but then again as the movie progressed I found my impression of her change from "fairly-good-looking-criminal-disguised-as-a-businesswoman" to "whore". Call me a prude, but I like seeing girls covered up in their clothes just fine, thank you very much.

I'm invariably amused by this everytime I chance upon it:

Heaven is where the Police are British, the Chefs Italian, the mechanics German, the lovers French and everything is organized by the Swiss.

Hell is where the Police are German, the Chefs British, the mechanics French, the lovers Swiss and everything is organized by the Italians.

spiritual martha

Dear God,

I know that life isn't about feelings. But I do feel like I've been being rather Martha-like in my approach to spirituality lately. I feel like I'm praying for everything and yet praying nothing as a result. It becomes tedious, like a chore. But I know I must continue and stick with it. Teach me still to find the right moments to sit down, shut up, listen, be still and know that you are God.

Amen.

contradiction

I don't really like all these short one-liner posts but time seems to have been running out on me, not to mention my current state of spiritual and emotional pre-occupation. Damn... I feel like I'm in a warzone of sorts right now, a battle of body and soul, where I'm my own enemy. But at the end of the day I guess one thing keeps me rooted:

God, 

You are my Lord, and I love you. Love isn't a feeling -- it is a choice, and I choose your will over mine no matter what my feelings may be. The 'number one' slot is reserved for you even when I don't feel like it... You are Love, and I choose, and have always chosen, Love. Grant me the wisdom to not be fooled by a mere imitation.

Amen.

Catch you guys after 21st June...

Random fact:

If you ever heard my mom talking to me, you would think that I was the most selfish, stingy person in the world. lolol

no. 2

I've been toying with a thought for a while... Many people I know are seeking for a number one, a first love, a person, to settle down and spend the rest of their life with. But as Christians, we are called to love God above all. Doesn't that mean that what we should be looking for should instead be a number two?

Although I suppose it must sound odd to have someone ask you, "How would you like to be the number two in my life?"

Haha

reminders

This month has been pretty trying, I have to admit. Yet, I'm reminded time and again of my relationship with God -- He really speaks to me through ironies, paradoxes and contradictions. Sometimes it's amusing even, other times it makes me mad, still other times it just makes me exasperated. 

But at the end of the day, one reminder stays clear: "I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. " And it all boils down to how much I put my trust in God that he will carry out these plans in my life. Trust, trust, trust... Just gotta keep trusting in God, even when he seems to be demanding for the ridiculous.

But despite all my weariness, one thing remains. When I see the work of God in his people, through his people, to his people, I am filled with such great joy that it makes all the pain worth it. When I see his children growing in faith, when I see his people manifesting his love, when I see his Church united in worship, I am reminded that goodness and hope still exists, still burns brightly in this world of darkness. 

A week ago, I was really, really down as can be seen 2 posts below. But now I've finally come to a stage of acceptance that I have embraced fully the role which I know I must play, and will continue to play. At the end of the day, I'm not doing it for anybody except for God. And I think I can finally say this with a measure of sincerity:

"It's enough reward for me to know that I'm helping God work in you."

urgency

We need to pray.

We really, really need to pray a lot more.

I need to pray more.

I need Jesus.

We need Jesus.

"God doesn't look at quantity -- he looks at percentages. How many percent are we giving?"

purge

been having a lot of dark thoughts lately and i need an outlet to vent them...

the little green-eyed monster is one hell of a jackass.

sometimes being the 'fall-back-on guy' eats at me... this is probably rubbish but at times i feel like the very people i would give the skin off my back for only come to me when they have some need of sorts to be fulfilled. insecurities...? pfft. i don't actually mind it but when everything's over and done with the dark thoughts start coming.

yet, i'm a captive of my very own prison. it's like i'm throwing on the cloak of invisibility and expecting people to see me still.

it's odd, i don't do what i do for people to see. not at all. yet how a part of me burns with the sense of if only they saw blablabla, because perhaps, it might make them feel some sense of guilt. but my soul will see to it that i have none of this -- such a torture, this battle of body and soul.

because it burns that some of these friendships simply aren't mutual. it makes me feel used. 

but i think at the end of the day, i need to remind myself that this is a path i've chosen for myself. painful it may be, it is a path i'll continue walking. because if you choose to act even if there are no rewards to it, it makes what you do all the more sincere.

purge this darkness within me God...

more thoughts

From a walk home from church:

There's no such thing as being selectively lazy. We can't choose to say, "I'm not going to bother about my schoolwork so that my spiritual life will be up to notch." It just doesn't work out -- laziness from any one aspect of life always boils over to affect the others.

To begin with, one thing many of us don't realize is that spirituality isn't just an aspect of our lives. Spirituality encompasses all aspects of our lives and thus has to be applied to all as well. By that token, if your vocation is to be a student (as mine is), you can't pray, "God, give me the grace to go all-out for you in Church. As for studies, I think 50% is fine..." 

Spirituality is pointless if it is not applied to your life. Prayer is fruitless if it is not acted upon. If we decide to apply these only to the things we enjoy doing, it's merely running away, avoiding and even declining God's grace for that which we really need -- the things which we don't enjoy doing but must be done.

If, already, we find difficulty in approaching these aspects of daily life, what more when trouble comes our way? Are we trapping ourselves in a cycle of false virtue, a virtue of conditions? C.S. Lewis puts it rather nicely in The Screwtape Letters, "A chastity or honesty, or mercy, which yields to danger will be chaste or honest or merciful only on conditions." Similarly, a virtue present only when the activity is enjoyed is a virtue only on conditions.

Being in youth ministry, many of us may have made commitments to God of some nature. But with our responsibility as youth (yes, we do have responsibilities too and yes, studies is one of those) perhaps we should take a step back and question, these commitments we make -- are they ours to make in the first place? Are we using them as an excuse to run away from what we really should be doing? Or are we fulfilling them in a way which is inappropriate?

In the Gospel of Mark, the man formerly possessed by a legion of demons begged Jesus to let him follow him, but Jesus turned him down, instead telling him to go back home and tell his family and friends what Jesus had done. All in all, whoever said that following God always had to come in ways which we expected?

The devil is a sneaky fella. He puts thoughts into our heads that appear, on the surface, to be for God, but upon scrutiny are selfish and cowardly. At the end of the day, it all boils down to honesty -- both to yourself and to God. So, let us ask God to cleanse our intentions and make them pure...

walk with me

Thoughts from a walk in the park (sort of):

So, the path before you is straight, the destination is up ahead.

But in the way are workmen, tending to the grass.

Not a problem, a slight detour can be taken. 

In the meantime, why not enjoy the scenery? Nobody said that the journey, even with its unexpected twists, wasn't to be enjoyed.

You reach a junction and cross the road, but unfortunately it's a little late when you realize that you've made an unnecessary crossing.

No worries, just keep walking, you never know what you'll find while on the other side; who knows, that crossing might well be worth it.

The area around you starts to become unfamiliar, you start wondering whether or not you're walking the right way.

Just as you're about to stop and check your bearings you recognise a landmark in the vicinity; finally, a sign that the path is right.

And so you keep on walking down the path, assured that the destination is close at hand.

But where's the destination? Well, it wasn't really specified -- we could never be certain for sure. But we just have to have faith that when we've reached it at last, we'll know we're there.

After all, all places can be reached if we have but patience and aren't afraid to make wrong turns and backtracks when we do. Who knows what we'll learn along the way?

And ultimately, whoever said that the destination had to be exactly what we expected it to be?

peeved

I say God, you sure went through all that trouble to play such a huge prank on me. Did you get a good laugh from seeing my anguish... in vain?

Prick. I can't stand you sometimes.

(I love you still but I won't forget this. xP)

all roads lead to rome

Going for vocation retreat just the other weekend was one of the best things I ever did this year. I went in seeking for answers, seeking for truth. Answers and truth I did indeed receive, yet, not that which I expected.

It was Holy Hour, a Saturday night. In front of Jesus I knelt, contemplating what path lay ahead. As I reflected, different shades of the future began flashing in front of my mind's eye. Priesthood, married life, Eucharistic celebration, Holy Matrimony, ministering from the pulpit, raising a family... My emotions were all over the place. In that moment of anguish my soul cried out, 

"Why have you put 2 so very different paths ahead of me? Why?? Why does it seem like you have to put forth an option which I don't want to undertake, yet would torture me if I didn't??"

The scripture reading that day couldn't have expressed my pain better:

"... I was given a thorn in the flesh... I have pleaded with the Lord three times for it to leave me..." 2 Cor 12:7-8

I took out my pen and began venting out my frustration in a drawing. I drew a picture of a road dividing into two, two separate paths of which only one could be chosen and walked. I was at a loss for what to do. And then I looked up at Jesus, and the answer hit me. 

The monstrance. 

Jesus sat in the middle. And around its periphery, roads and paths, all pointing to him. All roads lead to God.

"Peace be with you, my peace I give you."

For either path I'd been having doubts and fears of regret. For either path, it was a thorn in my side should I choose the other. Sorrow and regret of not being able to raise a family if I were to choose priesthood, fear for being disobedient if I chose the married life. 

But no, God was saying, you need to let go of your fears for both paths. Put your whole heart into the path you choose and let me do the rest. All that matters is that you did your best to fight the good fight. There is no ending to this until you finally take the first step. The worst path to choose is to not choose any path and instead stay still. Do you trust me?

"I do have faith, help the little faith I have!" Mark 9:24

"Whatever you choose, you have my blessing. Go in peace."

I came to the retreat, looking for answers. I left -- with peace.

"Do not despair. We are Easter people, and alleluia is our song." Pope John Paul II

"Lord, your constant love reaches the heavens; your faithfulness extends to the skies." Psalm 36:5

All roads lead to God.

where are you headed for, now, my friend?

no longer have i a means to find out.

and so i pray.

God does care for you.

haven't been posting anything proper for ages... not that i don't have anything to write about (i have loads really) but just that the moment isnt opportune (yay for exams). 

i'm not quite sure what to be more afraid of... the exam itself or the fact that i'm not afraid. being afraid of not being afraid... ahh, the irony of it.

yet, somehow things are working out. somehow. i smell the work of the Holy Spirit behind this... haha, you always got my back even when i'm being an ass. props to you my friend...

to kill a mockingbird

The inner asshole has been screaming to be let loose lately. I feel like mocking everything in sight. pfft.

free my soul

Father God,

Cleanse me of my humanity. Cleanse me of my human motivations and desires. Free my soul to act of love, for you are love. 

Your will will be done in my life. Let me pray it through as my heart's desire.

Amen.

more musings

We all (those of us who've been for it anyway) know that the Youth in the Spirit Seminar is a life changing event which brings people face to face with God. But I've been wondering lately: How do we inculcate in young people a passion for God, even before they attend camps of such nature?

I'm not talking about youth who are already active in Church, but rather, those who after confirmation simply lapse into a state of routine and become the stereotypical 'Sunday Catholic' (I myself was a perfect example). The answer I've come to lies in catechesis. A lot of times we see teens going for catechism

1.) Because they have no choice,
2.) Because they can meet up with friends.

And it pains me to say this but in some parishes, teens just don't learn anything during Sunday classes. Not to say anything about the teachers, nor the system in play. I feel that this stems more as a result of well, being a teenager -- God simply isn't relevant. Oh He does exist alright, but He's somewhere up there in the heavens while we're here on Earth. If we do good in our lives then someday we'll join Him, after we die. And if not, we face punishment. God is otherwise pretty much an impersonal God. So why bother to learn about Him?

In creating a desire to know God in youth, there are certain fundamental things which we need to be frank and honest about. We need to get them to throw away all the textbook answers drilled into them over the years and be truthful and their opinions on these questions (in the same order):

1.) Do you believe that there is a God?
2.) Do you believe that this God is good?
3.) Do of you believe that this God cares for and loves us deeply?
4.) Do you believe that this God works ACTIVELY in our lives, even now as we speak?
5.) Do you believe that this God who loves us is relevant in ALL areas of our lives?

I feel that these are the questions that, if not given due awareness, eventually pose as stumbling blocks in the quest for God. All too often, these are the questions which are overlooked precisely because it is taken for granted that people know, and more importantly believe in, the answer. If we can show that the answer to these these questions, in the same order, is a strong and resounding 'YES!', then well, the next question I can foresee is quite simply,

"Can't we get down to learning about this God already? Hurry up and tell us more about Him!"

precisely because God is relevant. And if God is just as, and if not moreso because He is Lord over, relavant as issues pertaining to my daily life and struggles, it just wouldn't make sense to not learn about Him. This is a somewhat warped analogy, but if you had the answer to all the problems in your life folded up in a piece of paper, would you choose to not open it up and read it?

God is the answer. 

P.S.: If any of you reading this has any other ideas and opinions, please do feel free to share them... :)