i think maybe...just maybe i get it

even though situations have changed,
people have not(: lets see if it works out:D

Life is impacted in many ways. there is a delicate relationship between the physical body, mind and soul. When either of these is affected, the other two are concequently thrown off balance and the life as you know it, changes drastically.

We are so wonderfully and fearfully made that a disruption in our mental health can cloud our mind and alter our mood, just as anger, fear, or a loss of hope can affect the chemistry of our body.

True true....very true.Anyone who has experienced loss and pain would surely, most definitely concur with the example given.

Sometimes it seems that we can 'numb' ourselves to feeling certain things, things which cause hurt and despair, but i realised, after learning to love for 2 years now, it is truly a tall order...i seem to have 'lost touch' of the art of numbing and rationalizing thoughts and emotions.

The highly controversial topic of to rationalize or not, is actually a double edged sword.
On one hand, if you rationalise, you are actually breaking down events or emotions into its most basic forms and your brain, being the rational part of a human's fore mentioned trinity, will tell you that what you are feeling is irrational, and that it defies the very laws that you base your life on. In that way, you are able to chuck it into a part of your brain, and contiunue living life as you know it.

However, nothing comes without a price. The brain itself, will take a toll. When there is an inharmonious flow in the body's trinity, it is only a matter of time before suppressed feelings and thoughts are triggered all at once.....with cataclysmic results. Your brain overloads and all past fragments link itself together...thoughts from even a few years or months ago rush back and you can do nothing to stop it. Soon, you feel the full extent of your pain and fearful emotions...there is no escaping from it.

Rationalizing has also another ill benefit...it derives from the rationality of one's mind. Some people are born more rational, some less rational, but the more rational ones are at greater risk of feeling/ becoming more numb to all things around them. You feel cold, indifferent - as good as being desensitized from everything that you feel and see. This is probably the worse consequence of rationalizing....being numb is only a downward spiral....



If you chose NOT to rationalize, you will face the immediate pain, torture and rejection. If you have, all along faced pains large enough to cripple your body's trinity and make you dysfunctional, then the inherent emotions in your body will come back to haunt you...every single time you fail to rationalize.
Your body, no matter how weak you think you are....will strive to counter this negative 'attack' per say, that you are experiencing. there are an assortment of ways your body will do this....from finding more friends, to making the person you want to be with feel jealous, and even more drastic ways such as cornering off yourself from the very hurt and pain that you once and always feel....a.k.a building a wall around your tender heart.
But at least.....your heart is still soft, warm and beating(:

Benefits of a warm heart, in my opinion far outweigh that of a cold, rational heart.....reasons are far too numerous to expound here

For one, i myself experienced the pain of the rationalizing one. being able to easily rationalise feelings and thoughts, even events of the past, used to be my greatest ally. Even in the face of the most adverse circumstances, i could still walk strong. However, 2 years ago, my life turned around....slowly but surely, in loving others, i realised that my feelings could be easily manipulated and thrown off balance by one person. How deeply it affected me=/ even till now....i will never forget the pain, the anguish, but also the love and friendship(:



We were strangers starting out on our journey
Never dreaming what we'd have to go through
Now here we are and I'm suddenly standing
At the beginning with you

No one told me I was going to find you
Unexpected what you did to my heart
When I lost hope you were there to remind me
This is the start

(chorus)
And Life is a road and I want to keep going
Love is a river I want to keep flowing
Life is a road now and forever
A Wonderful journey

I'll be there when the world stops turning
I'll be there whenthe storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you

We were strangers on a crazy adventure
Never dreaming how our dreams would come true
Now here we stand unafraid of the future
At the beginning with you

(chorus)

I knew there was somebody somewhere
Like me alone in the dark
I know that my dream will live on
I've been waiting so long
Nothing's gonna tear us apart

(chorus)

In the end I wanna be standing at the beginning with you

disappointed

what is it to care
to love
to give

to ask of nothing in return...

when i see
that all that i do
is of little significance

your preference to do other things
doesn't that indicate something to me?

your willingness to spend time doing other things
with others,
playing and having fun
considering not my feelings
just blindly believing i will understand

i do
and i did
i have been....but for how long
for how long can i be a spectator in this
just numbing myself every time to it all

people say actions speak louder than words
i believe its true
i know its true
you obviously don't feel the same way as i do...


jealousy
true, its something we ought to curb
but sometimes
it verges on anger, irritation and despair

the lines are gray
its not that i'm expecting alot for all that i do

but who in this earth lives without some recognition,
a little bit of accommodation
a little bit of returned love
i believe,
will go a long way to quench the soul

only one can do that
only one can shower that agape love
He is the perfect one

yet i am not Him



disappointed

Decisions

Decisions are some of the hardest to make,especially if you lose both ways. But some decisions precede others...like 1 friendship that i hold so dear. There's no giving it up(: Thank you Lord for helping me see this(:

The road is bright and shiny,
walking along with light spirits....
with no warning, a droplet descends.
Stranded out in the middle,there is no shelter.
You have no choice...but to continue. At first you run, hoping to reach shelter or your destination of some kind. Yet after a while, you see the futility. You are already drenched, resigned to your fate. might as well just walk.

There's no telling when there'd be a bend in the road. There's no telling what's round the other side. When it comes, nothing stops it.

Maybe its just my life, but when things happen, they are always of paramount severity...

close your eyes, let it all wash over you. It never rains, it only pours.

JC

its posting tomorrow=X
hmm...sorta know where i'll be posted to, but i guess, there's that hope still?(:
ooh, anyway...went for STRINGS auditions today...
felt my performance was quite bad=X but i hope for leniency!!!! I'll surely put in ALOT of effort if i get thru....
oh well...PRAISE YOU IN THIS STORM!(:

Thank you God for all that you've given me! Thanks for the chance to appeal into NJ by strings and that i was able to audition this afternoon! Its by your grace that all these were possible! Praise your name!(: Lord, i just want to commit my posting as well as my appeal into your almighty hands dear Lord, for you are in control of everything and its you who is almighty over all i fear! With a few words, you created the universe, with a whisper, you'll carry me through!(: Thank you, my Heavenly Father!(: Praise be to you! May your love be showered upon me forever and ever!(: Amen!
_______________________________________________________

Thank you friend, for showing so much concern today(: You've been a dear and it was nice to know that someone actually was worried until missed out parts of the phys lecture :D And also, for just being there, that nice nice mei that you are(: Thanks alotalotalotalotalot friend!!!(:

Thanks Erge, for the words of encouragement and the real zai damage control..and of course...for helping with accompaniment with just like 3 hours' notice=X

Thanks Dage, for ferrying me around!! And pangsei-ing yr teacher to get me home so i could practice and ferrying me down again!(: and of course! the invaluable zi-pai-ing and time spent tgt with u and erge!
________________________________________________________
Praise You in This Storm


I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Chorus

human nature

Inexpressable
inquantifiable
what an intersting thing it is
bored stiff,
gazing into space,
thoughts flood my mind

Sometimes, i wonder, why investments made are so unfulfilling
why some things done are so superficial
why is it ubiquitous to see people working the same way or treating a problem in one way?

Well, sometimes i wonder if the cause is famililiarity
With familiarity, people ususally jumpthe gun, sterotyping the situation without further glance. We believe that it's as good as deja vu, when something, especially negative things, occur more than once in life. This hampers our judgement of others and also is akin to condemning a person. For example, a person who once committed theft, as such, it is likely that he will be the first one to be suspected because of his unfavourable background.

Such biased points of view are very hard to break and change, it would take more effort on the part of the person to change what others' think of him. However, to someone who forms a good impression to you, you'll gladly see every tiny detail of the person as being nice. Less needs to be done for the person to prove himself/herself.

Though first impressions made of people are some things that people cannot control, we, consciously cannot control ourselves from stipulating the sort of person one is, or categorising the person according to his attributes due to the first impression. However, it is something that we humanity need to change. Having an open mind and an open heart to accept others as who they are, and having the determination and the will power to not ostracize one because of a moment of folly or what the person once did, will truely make life easier and further encourage the victim of such prejudice to put in more effort in living to leave the old him/her behind and striving for whatever is in front. Giving others a chance, would certainly help one learn to accept another individual and help cultivate a spirit of forgiveness, acceptance, as well as the all important spirit of love(:

Random Thoughts

feelings are a delicate matter that we(or rather I) have always tried to understand. Why certain things make us irate, why some things make us sad. Something said by one person, can get you angry, and the same thing said by another, you'll accept as constructive criticism. Why?

I'm in no position to state actual truth, but i do believe that everything revolves around how you feel about a person or about something. A matter brought to light by someone whom you have the impression of being foul mouthed and stubborn, will cause one to take offense a lot more easily than if the matter were brought to light by someone whom you deemed to be a nice, caring and approachable person. As such, the base line is drawn for the beginning of such an analysis...one forms preconceived first impressions of a person, and then on categorizes a person into a faction of his or her brain, with a label attached.

True, there are some individuals who are especially adept at being able not to allow their first impressions formed of others govern how they react to the person, yet for the vast majority, it seems we are in the former category.

So in realizing this, i shall do my best to follow, as the old english anecdote states : to not judge a book by its cover.

__________________________________

klat

Just back from an interesting chat with my bro. Really got to see how similar we were in terms of thought process and just basically, what we do. I was quite taken aback by what he said, and i wonder, if aspects of a human can really change so much to such an extent that one is just so influenced. Beyond words, there are feelings which are difficult to be brought to light. And so begs the question, what if there's an important decision, but both parties are not on the same page?

hmm...as i pondered this i realized that maturity makes a LOAD of difference..i attribute it to time and its a natural course, but a dozen "what if"s came to mind. Of course in terms of maturity and certain other aspects, my brother is far superior and has better judge of the situations that i'm facing. However, i realized a few other outstanding qualities, namely, his boldness in being straight and clear cut, his insite and knowing how to handle situations....one thing i greatly admire about many who posess this great gift.

Another thing....i wonder how much i have changed, and if i have changed, is the core and original me still there?
Life is like a river, flowing...when it encounters more resisitant rock, it moves away and erodes a new path in another direction. As such, it meanders its way along, will it eventually be heading back to the initial trajectory that it was supposedly going to travel along, or would it be changed forever?
Some things in life...of course...aren't as meets the eye. What if being you hinders your development? So what if you're able to change, to adapt, like the flowing river, but will your direction and your course, in this case, your inner self, be changed forever?

Change is inevitable, in life, but where do you draw the line, and leave somthing aside when it really affects you? And for that matter, it is immeasurable, how much one has changed, for it is opinion, not just of yourself, but that of others. This is because, at the end of the day....others are the ones looking at you(:


A wave that erodes
A call that is unanswered
Something speacial

Signs that you look out for
Wonders you are amazed at
Words you melt upon hearing
Smiles you'd go broke to see

Sometimes...the worst case scenerio
letting go of it all
seems so easy
clinging on,
so tiresome and lonely
when everything moves in and out of phase
sometimes,
reality itself is blurred

A common ideal
A common insite
then, we're on the same page(:
_______________________________________ joy comes from the Lord and can't be taken away(: Thats why i'm high and happy(:

Wondering

A optimistic spirit of sorts,
Looking at the pitch black that surrounds me,
A sense of awe,
A sense of foreboding,
An injury,
An expression...

How can i always live up to expectations?
some things are just impossibilities...
hmm,
does the fault lie with me?

Disappointed.....i wonder

haha...but interestingly...i'm still in an exuberant sorta mood(:
Thank God(:

grateful(:

And i thank you lord,
For the trials that come my way,
In the living of everyday,
Life becomes so worth while.
But it goes against the way i am to put my human nature down,
And let the spirit take control of all i do,
Cos when those trials come,my human nature shouts the things to do,and god's soft prompting,can be easily ignored...

Sometimes when things seem to go so wrong,God miraculously places people in your life to lift us out of it.
Sometimes it takes a little effort as an individual,but there are those whose presence is invaluable...
Thank you God:)

no pain, no gain

A simple word can hurt
a sentence can be etched in the mind for a long time

To hold it, keep it in mind for long is easy
to give it up hard

but now
there's always room to give up
always space to forget
always place to forgive

thanks for the hurts,
through it i grow(:

Hurting
Disappointed
irrationality seeming like such a sweet alternative

Gullible
foolish
so many things...
my standing has dwindled
another face in the crowd

trudging along
don't want to look back,
don't want to hide,
no more self-convincing

It aches,
It scalds,
It destroys.

Illusions of the past, Delusions of the future
____________________________________________________________________
Thanks for the late night talk friend(:
Jiayou for physics!(: Keeping you in prayer(:
____________________________________________________________________

New year

Its a new year
with new resolutions
with new surprises
with new happenings

-------------------------------------------
A blink of an eye
the period past
Undivided attention
already spent to the last

A mixed emotion
what lies before, yet unknown
only certainty of what's left behind
reminds us...

The seasons of life
a beautiful picture
a frozen tundra
unexpected rains
in the midst of dazzling sunshine

A fitful slumber
yet to be awoken

A sprig of new blooms
a flourishing of fresh green
The new year is here
yet what does it bring?

As the new year has arrived, let not our past remind us of our iniquities and our shortfalls, but rather, serve as a forward thrust to propel us forward with greater dedication and zeal in the new year ahead(:

God bless!!!

To a friend:
Jiayou jiayou alright friend(: yr hard work will surely pay off de(: and and and, rmbr that yr friend's always here to 陪you and support you kks?(: *hugs!*