21? Really?

It's like yes, you're no longer a kid when you reach 21, but what? you expect me to miraculously grow up in one night? start acting all mature and "be an adult"? really? i've asked people whats the big deal about being 21? and trust me, i got some quite ridiculous answers.. but in the end yes i'm 21, so just give me a break and stop using that against me.

Milestone in life

I'm officially 21 now. It didnt seem like a big deal to me before, but when the moment hits, when the clock finally hits 12am, it meant something to me. I told myself "casey, you're 21 now" it probably sounds ridiculous but it kinda marked this day in my life, i'm no longer a kid now. And thanks to my dear friends, i looked back and realise that yeah, i've been through all the ups and downs and i know theres more to come but i've survived this long, and i'll try to continue to strive and maybe one day, i'll mark it as that one special day in my life again. i dunno if these make sense to you, but maybe 10 years from now, i'll look back at this post and see how different i once were.
Cheers.

Why Are You My Clarity

I think all of us have our cycles, there will be this one period of time where you just don't wanna deal with people, you just need to go into that box where you just "cut ties with all the lies that you've been living in". I think I'm there again, I somewhat stopped communicating with people much, I kinda rather be left alone at times. It's normal right? At least I think all of us will go through that, correct me if I'm wrong. But the thing is, Alex is my exception, probably cause I've became so comfortable around him, he became my box. It's like I can do what I want, just be me and not having to put up a happy face and act like everything in my life is okay and just really escape life. And I know I've been complaining too much lately, I feel like a fricking brat now sitting here typing this, but that's just me.. Oh btw, I absolutely hate people that shakes their head at me as if I'm some bloody spoiled brat. Anyways, just bear with me for this period okay? I'm saying this to people around me that I actually care about. And to some ridiculous people that won't leave my life alone, really? like really? stop bugging me if you just want to use me to achieve something for your own benefit. Please, I'm really not that stupid, so just leave me alone. Doubt they will see this post but I'm saying it anyways. Btw, I would like to rant about how my clients are really ridiculous, but one manage to push me to the point where I just lost it and yell over the phone. I don't think I've ever done that before since I've started working in this firm. Like really, some common sense la, I'm not your bloody slave, you do your part and I'll do mine, don't make it my fault just because you're incompetent.

And just an additional, I feel as though my family wont accept me for who I am. Probably this is really naive, like really naive, but I want Alex to be part of my family, to live our life together. I've been thinking about telling my family about it, but there's no where to start. And I still can't find the courage to do that. I used to think that things will definitely work out, but due to recent events, I've changed my opinion on things.

Cheers ya'll.

I Was Once A Stupid Naive Kid

I just read back one of my old post, and my reaction was "I cant believe I was so naive" Okay, probably I didn't wanna offend anyone back then but when I read back to post like those, I'm like why did I even bother concealing facts and rephrasing sentences as though I sound nice. Probably I've grown up from being that stupid naive kid that didn't wanna make things bad but I feel like I stopped caring, sometimes it's easier to just tell the truth. Truth hurts, but at least it's true rather then having people tell you lies, isn't that right?

24th March, Here We Go Again

I totally have no idea what to put the title as.. probably because I always rant about the same thing so I just don't wanna repeat the title. So yeah, here I am again talking about life and all its challenges and obstacles. Today I suppose I was quite moody, I was slightly upset, sometimes I feel as though my relationship with Alex is somewhat one sided, I feel as though I need him more than he needs me. But in the end, we're okay.. I mean you'll never find that one perfect person that fulfill all your requirements, that person will never exist. In a relationship you just have to tolerate and accept each others flaws and short comings, people say that if the person loves you he'll accept you for who you are, yeah probably that's true but for me, I believe if you really love that person you would try to somewhat learn to accept it. No one is perfect, I was never out to look for that perfect man, just someone that would love me and accept my flaws. HAHA! which I think would be quite a list. And I shall not start counting them out here. Just don't let go of the person you love, sometimes it's just bumps that both parties need to face together and solve it. oh well... moving on..

Here's another common topic that I always rant about, my future.. haha! honestly, I too realised that I've been going on and on about my future all the time, but what to do? every young adult (I label myself as young adult, at most! sometimes even teen) would go through what I go through I suppose. It's this stage where all of us need to decide what we really want for ourselves and how we are gonna achieve it. Probably most of us already have our goals set out for us, it's just the matter of achieving it. For me, I'm still debating with myself whether this is really what I wanna do for the rest of my life. To be an accountant and do a desk job forever, my colleagues tell me that I would be a good stand up comedian due to all my stupid cold jokes. But here I am stuck doing this, I've once complaint to a friend whether this line of work is suitable for me or not, and he told that if I don't like it I would go study something else, but I told him that it's too late. I'm already in too deep, but when I really think about it, I'm merely 21 years old (not officially, but I'm getting there) and to think that I've been working for almost 2 years already, it's when you're out in the real world that you know you're no longer a kid with the privilege of just focusing on studies and nothing else. When you face the real world, you know how hard it is to be working a full time job and coping with part time studies. And honestly, I'm not doing a very good job at that. Sometimes, I feel as though Alex doesn't understand but I know he wants the best for me. And yes, I know I'm not putting 100% into my studies, it's like after a long day of work you need to rush to class for 3 to 4 hours and you get home about 10.45pm ish you just tend to lose the will to study after all that. And like honestly, I was never the hard working kid, probably NEVER is a strong word, it's just that I'm not motivated to study. I enjoyed my LCCI days because I was so motivated to be the best, I wanted to be top of my class, top of the entire school/college (depends how you see it) anyways, yes I had that kick last time, but now I'm like barely passing my exams, I'm not motivated to study after a long day of work, when I have free time, I rather use it to entertain myself like sitting in front of the computer watching anime, going out and such.  Where is happening to me? I once told my friends "Don't let me stop studying" because back then I've heard so many people stopped pursuing ACCA and drop out halfway, I told myself that I would never ever let myself do that. But now, I'm not convince that I can uphold that promise until the very end. I'm scared that one day I'm gonna let go and whats gonna be left for me? Since young, I know how hard my parents had to work to put food on the table, kinda.. so I told myself I'm not gonna be like my parents, I want a good life for myself, but it's really not that easy. I wanted a life that I don't need to worry about money, a stable income, a stable life. Probably not an extravagant lifestyle but at least a stable and comfortable one. In a way, I always find that those rather pampered kids that gets what they want all the time, they really don't understand what it means to struggle with money, it's like they don't understand the value of money. I've seen too many growing up, in a way you can say I envy them but in a way I'm also proud to say that I'm above them. Yes, I mean my parents buy me stuff too, but I'm proud to say that I bought my own phones and gadgets growing up, I paid for my own college fees and kinda supported myself in life.

In the end, it's so hard to be a 21 year old that needs to worry about life, I keep saying that I need a break but honestly.. I know I'm just asking too much. Deep inside, I know I don't deserve it. I'm not working hard enough at work, I'm not studying hard enough and yet sometimes I feel so stressed out, I wake up everyday and the first thing that runs through my mind would be what do I need to accomplish today? So yeah, why do I need breaks? I know I dont deserve it but yet I want it. haha.. This whole thing is me debating with myself, it's like I'm arguing on both sides. I feel so ridiculous now.. Can someone just save me from all these? It's like how you see in those movies or fairy tales, where there'll always be someone to save you.. But it really sucks to know that reality is totally different from fairy tales. You don't always get your happy endings..

Meaningless Weekends

When you reach one point where there's just nothing to forward to in life, what do you do? I mean, whats stopping me from ending my life? I just realised that, I would look forward to the weekends but when the weekend comes it'll just be like any other weekend, same routine, i keep thinking that i'll do something different this weekend, try to do this and that but it'll just turn out to be the same, it's so meaningless, life is so meaningless actually. I don't accomplish anything during the weekend, i don't accomplish anything during work and studies, I practically stopped accomplishing anything in life. I wish i could see life full of colours and joy but in reality what have life been giving me?