Birthday Wish...

i cant believe i'm gonna be 17 this year, time seem to past so so so fast.
its as if it was yesterday that i'm still a young and innocent boy. XD
hahaaa, but i do hope to have a great birthday this year.. i hope..
like spending time with certain people and all...
or maybe get wonderful presents, but thats not really that important (optional)
but i do hope to get certain items like a hi-fi with multi purpose function..
i used to enjoy blasting songs in my room, when i used to own a radio, but it died a year ago
i would like to make over my room too, it seems so messy
or or even maybe get 39 clues, book 1 to 5.. :D
but these dreams seem hopeless..

No One Understands..

is it just me? okay, i think it's just me..
i feel kinda lonely, i feel like i got no one to talk to, no one to listen, no one to communicate with..
technically, i'm a sensitive person especially with these issues.. it's like you have friends around you, and in front of everyone else you seem to be very close.. but the truth is you're not close at all, you dont understand what the other person is thinking, you just dont know the person.. and sometimes in a group, you'll feel like you dont belong there, you'll feel like the outcast. that happens to me all the time, i'll normally just sit aside and keep quite, and they'll think i'm like emo all of a suddent, but they dont know how i feel.. they never do..
it may sound like i'm being paranoid or something but thats just how it is.. i've blog about this so many times already, i'm so tired of this and i feel so helpless. i really envy other people, having a normal family. i dont have a everyday normal family like everyone else, i'm alone, i dont want to face life alone, at times i'll say i'm fine with being alone, i've got over the part where i dont stay with my parents.. but thats not true, i'm not fine being alone. everyone wants to be cared by someone, i dont feel like i'm being cared, it's as if i need to carry the burden all on my own, it feel so hard. it's like walking on a never ending road all by myself, cold and dark..

i dont want to be like this, i want a normal life, i want a happy life..
but i know that will never come true. i'm not like everyone else..
i'll never be normal, not today, not tomorrow, not ever..

things doesnt always go as planned, but sometimes it just go terribly wrong until you no longer know what to do.. one day you know you have an elder half sister and elder half brother, which i dont really take them as my "half" siblings, because they just arent that "half", and the next day you know that you have another younger half sister.. it's not something that you deal with everyday. i'm not saying that i'm not okay with it, i'm perfectly fine with it, its just... complicated. sometimes you were wish you had a normal everyday life, a loving father and a caring mother..

and i know some people dont like my personality, cause i'm annoying and all.. and i'm sorry about that.. thats how i am, i dont intentionally want to annoy you.. if you dont like it, you cant just dont be friend me or whatever.. i dont think i really care anymore..

really having some emotional ups and downs lately.. it's like i'm happy today and i might be not so happy the next day.. and yet, no one understands..

Sports Day Formation

we did this later on after the sports day punya opening...

17th April 2009

okay, so sports day is over for 3 days now. on 17 april 2009, it was the day of our life, okay not life life but still.. it was a really important day to us or to me, it really meant a lot to me, and so the day starts. we came to school early in the morning, did some last minute practices, found out that a few people cant make it cause they're having high fever. and it kinda broke my heart, like we trained so hard and end up some people cant show up. anyway, after that we took attendence and went to basketball court.. waiting for everything to start. after it started, we marched out and did our formation and all.. and after that, had to stood there for some time. i watched while the other uniform bodies and houses did their formation, some were quite okay.. i'll give them that, KRS was quite okay.. anyway, thats not my point.. so moving on, after everything was done, we marched back to the basketball court. After that went to duty, sorry to say, i blew the whole duty, and i'm really sorry about that.. okay, continue moving on, after a few hours, when everything is coming to an end, we went to do the pagar thing at tapak perhimpunan. then we had stand around the students like a pagar while they go take their medals and all. i wasnt feeling really well cause i haven eaten anything since i woke up, feeling wobbly and had to tahan a bit la.. then here comes the part where we all have been waiting for, the part where they annouce who won the perbarisan. then jeng jeng, police got 2nd.. then here come the 1st, i was wishing so hard that we would have won, like seriously.. i was mumbling st. john st. john. then the mc said KRS~! then i was like.. OH! SHIT! i think everyones mood dropped to the very bottom. then yvonne came, she was crying.. then i was like.. i dunno what to say, i cant really feel much.. not as much as some of the members. then we went to basketball court and we kinda talked about it and all. i still didnt get the full hit of the effect. then after that, went to help teacher out with moving tables in the hall, and went home after that. i had to had to pack up my stuff to go over to my mom's place ( long story, dont ask) anyway, went there, nothing much to do there.. so i kinda had a lot of time to think, which isnt a good thing at all.. the more i think about sports day the more upset i got, like seriously.. we worked really really hard this year, trained for 2 weeks, almost every single day.. like all our efforts gone to waste.. okay, there are some goods that came from the trainings, we gain something and lost something.. then on sunday, i got home, feeling better.. then on monday, aka today, went to school in the morning and theres the weekly monday assembly. and suddenly, they said they like miss out something about the results of the perbarisan for the uniform bodies. then i was like wishing they made mistakes with the scores and all.. but see see, they're gonna annouce the 3rd place, then i was hoping it would be st. john, like we dont get 1st and 2nd at least we get a 3rd. but to all my expectation, the name BSMM come out.. and i was like.. speechless.. i really dunno what happened this year, we were that bad? then i was really in a bad mood in class today, the more i think about it the more moody i got. like seriously, we're trashed by BSMM? then got better as time passes. anyway, we found out the reason why we lost after school.. in someway, it's like the whole burden was let go, the heavy rock was gone, i just felt so much better.. like sooo much.. after so many days wondering why we lost, what could have happened.. and end up we found out that mainly, its just a slide miscalculation on some issues. as in, its wasnt really out fault.. like its not that our formation suck so bad that we could win.

oh, and you know what.. it's a stupid question to ask why st. john didnt win? (certain people asked me this question during class) it like, how would i know and i myseld would like to know too.. and it really stings when someone ask us why we lose, i had to put up the i'm okay and i dunno face.. how would you feel when someone asked you why you lose a certain competition that is really important to you.. how would you feel.. happy? excited? or depress? and hurted? i believe its not that hard to answer this question..

okay anyway, to all of you people out there.. dont come asking why we lost.. and more importantly, dont come and bitch us about you winning something.. it kinda happen to me as well, someone bitched me today.. if you win, then okay you win, you dont need to remind me all the time.. i need to put up a i'm okay with it face.. i really dont want to do that, its so damn fake.. and dont try to bitch any of the st. john members..

Pain and Anger..

well.. 1st, MY ARMS HURTS LIKE SHIT.. i'm so tired and i mean literally tired, got home from marching training for sports day. Felt so zombie-ish, don't even have the energy to put up my hand.. anyway, that not my point for this blog.. i just felt so tired and like so much anger.. okay, you people out there, come on la.. you all dont masuk baris then biar la.. haiyo, i know you all are suppose to supervise us or something.. you don't know how it feels when you just yell and yell and yell, after one person stop yelling the next person continue.. GIVE IT A BREAK! GET THE HELL OVER IT! and you know, if you ownself tak semangat.. how the hell do you expect other people to be semangat.. don't give us the i got no mood face.. i'm really tired of this.. like really tired.. the pain, the yelling, the lack of sleep, the homeworks, the tan of my skin, the lecture from my family about being under the sun, the future lecturing from mom about taking care of myself.. i can't deal with all this.. and the worse part is the punishment.. ever think that maybe we're tired? and how the hell do you expect us to march properly when it hurts every fricking time we raise our hands when we march.. it's really easy for you to say when you're not the one marching.. okay, i believe i used to do that too, but within these few days i really felt the pain.. when someone is not the one marching under then hot sun but keep yelling at the ones that is.. i'm really sorry if i offended anyone regarding this matter.. it's just how i feel...

whatever i've said it's not only today (9/4/09), it's for the past few days as well.. i really don't mean to cause any trouble.. maybe its just me being too sensitive or something..

P/S: sorry about the language.. i think i'm really feeling it when i wrote this blog.. and you might think i'm childish or what so ever, but i think i should be given the right to release my anger somewhere..

Lecture about Futures..

well.. i went out to have dinner with my sis, dad and some of my dad's friends, cause my sis just came back from Sweden few weeks ago.. she was staying at ipoh and just came to kl to meet up with my dad and me. anyway, we went to have steamboat at some shop, it was kinda nice but that's not my point. my point is, when we meet up and we'll talk about stuff and so happen that today, i'm the main topic. we talked about futures and all, study choices etc etc.. it was really awkward for me, i really dunno what to say and do. and seriously, the whole time, when i left the house until i reach back to my house, i was being lectured by different peoples. same topic but different people. i understand that it's for my own good and all, but it's just reallly weird. hmm.. i cant say weird.. i should say uncomfortable. anyway, during dinner we talked about some family topics as well, we talk about how my grandma would nag and nag and nag, and before this, some family crisis happen between my dad and grandma and after that my sis kinda got involved in it as well. i was the centre person, it's really hard for me to be at the centre of this whole crisis. and i kinda understand why my grandma would nag us, it's totally for our own good.. she just wants us to make the right choice and take the right path and all.. so yea, i really dunno what to do.. it's so frustrating..

Standing Strong..

well, as a student i believe we should stand up to what is right and what is wrong.. Teachers are not always right, they make mistakes at times. But at times, the mistake is just unreasonable and may cause other people pain and trouble. sometimes the mistake is so wrong, it's just unforgivable.. Teachers are suppose to set a good example for us students, be more mature than us students and are suppose to control themselves better than us students.

Today, i just found out about something.. it really upsets me. I've never thought that in my life time i would actually heard something like this happen in school. Both sides is at fault, both side need to be responsible for their act, but the teacher should know when to stop. Somethings that aren't meant to said then just don't say it.. Don't be a total jerk! once you've said it then just face the consequences.. if something like that were to happen in my class, i believe i would have said or done something about it. If anything happen to the students, i believe the teacher will not be forgiven.. by anything happening to the students, i mean if the students get thrown out of school because of this. Personally, if this case happen to me.. i would have done the same thing. so as a students perspective, i totally support the 'students' in this case. Lastly, i would just like to say, we students are human too, we have emotions, we have feelings.. if teachers are in a bad mood or something, DO NOT let your anger out on us studens..