Love Yourself

Dear Casey,

This is a note to yourself: you are strong, you will be okay. No matter how bleak the whole situation may seem, you will get through this and come out stronger than ever. You have great friends and family around that care and support you very much, they are gonna be there to pick you up when you come crashing down. Have faith and believe in that, believe in yourself.

Everyone has been telling you things that you already know, you know that you need to learn to love yourself, you need to learn to put yourself first and work on yourself and not just pour everything in your relationship, relationships ain't everything. You always turn to relationships to keep you safe and secure, you always look to relationships as the beacon of hope in your life, you depend on them to be there for you, you depend on them to help you with your troubles. It's time you learn to focus on yourself and to deal with your own troubles or else you'll never grow. You always think you are more mature than people your age but in fact, you are not, you tend to shy away from your trouble, you always hide behind someone else in hope that they will help you solve your problems. This in turns destroys your relationship as you are too dependent on someone else for your happiness and security. The same cycle repeats in every relationship, you'll end up in the same predicament over and over again unless you actually learn from your past and do something about it.

It's okay to put yourself first, it's okay to love yourself,  you are important and it's okay to be selfish. Work on yourself, it's about you, it's always been about you. Don't belittle yourself just to accommodate others in your life, don't depreciate your self-worth. You are so afraid of being left behind and having people walk out your life, that you claw onto them and beg them desperately to stay, compromising on your values and putting yourself down over and over for a temporary fix. Learn to value yourself highly, and believe that people should want to be in your life for the person that you are and not the person they wish for you to be.

It's not wrong to be in a relationship, you are not selfish for wanting both, you can have both but just don't compromise blindly for the sake of a relationship. You've tried your best to save this relationship, you did, you really did, you need to accept that you've done everything in your power but if at the end of the day, if he is not willing to carry on, there's nothing you can do, it's beyond you. You can only accept it and move on. It's not your fault, there's no rights and wrongs and there's no reason to blame yourself for it.

Only when you learn to love yourself that you will be capable of loving someone else. This is gonna be a slow, long and hard journey. You will suffer, you will feel pain, you will struggle, you will wanna give up. But remember at the end of every tunnel, there will always be light. You will get there eventually, have faith and believe.

Love,
Casey

Struggling with Insecurities

This is not the first time that I talked about insecurities on my blog. I've always struggled with insecurity my whole life, the feeling that I don't belong, the feeling that I'm secondary, the feeling that I'm disposal and unimportant. There's always been ups and downs, for the most part, I've been feeling alright for the past few years, it's been a while since I've felt so insecure with myself, I've been doubting myself a lot lately, constantly questioning my self-worth. I've spoken to people about it to the point where I feel like I'm just a burden to the people around me, I know that there are always people around me that will care, but I'm just at the stage where I'm feeling awfully helpless and tired of talking about my own feelings. Again, I'm drowning in my own sorrow, a feeling that I'm way too familiar with, it's that old friend that I haven't had around for years. I'm aware that my own sanity and security shouldn't fall to other people's hand, it shouldn't be other people's responsibility to lift me up in life and it's not their responsibility to provide me with the security and safety in life. However, in actual fact, it's just hard to do that by myself when I'm feeling so emotionally compromised. I'm just caught between doing the right thing and my feeling at the moment.

I honestly don't know how long is this cycle gonna last. I know that eventually, I'll be alright, but at what cost? that's the question. How many people truly understand and accept what I'm feeling emotionally now, would people just think that I'm overthinking and shoot me down for it? that's something that I worry about, I'm asking myself "maybe I'm just making this too big of a deal than it really is? maybe I should just swallow it all down and maybe it'll be alright?" For the moment, I'm tired of trying to convince myself that I'm okay even though I know that I'm not. I'm keeping people at arm's length, I just don't know how to face people at the moment, I don't want people to feel like "oh there he goes again" I would probably feel that way about myself. This is also probably one of my own defence mechanism, where it's easier to just push people away, and when they eventually leave, I'll at least braced for it. I'll be able to convince myself that I knew this day is gonna come and it might hurt less when that day comes.

Writing this is probably a cry for help, hoping that someone would be willing to tell me that it's gonna be okay and that they would stick around even when I don't believe that. But unfortunately, I don't think anyone is gonna see this, I'll just end up wallowing in my own sorrow.

7 Years Later

It's been 7 years since I last wrote on this blog, a lot has changed since. I've grown older, I'm in another relationship with someone else, I'm pursuing my studies in a degree program and I've made career changes. These are all things beyond my expectations, things that I didn't think were possible 7 years ago. Reading back at the old post I've made in this blog, I was such a different person then, I was childish, emotional and depressed, things that mattered so much then didn't seem to matter at all now. I wished I was there to tell my younger self that, that everything is gonna be okay, that one day you'll be fine, you'll actually be fine in life. 

I wouldn't say that I'm optimistic now but I try to stay hopeful, the emotions are still there, still emotional but more contained than I used to be. Looking back, I can see that I've been very depressed in my teenage years, I shut the world out of my life most of the time. I didn't believe that I have people around me that cared about me, I cling onto things for the sake of security. And I know I've come a long way since. 

I found the courage to move on from my previous relationship, to pick myself up from that. I found the courage to pursue my studies, something that I avoided for so long. A topic that wouldn't even discuss without shutting myself down, without doubting my self-worth. I'm glad that I found the courage over the years to do all these. The old me wouldn't have seen the light at the end of the tunnel. 

I'm also blessed and privileged to be a wonderful support system around me. Through tough times, I come to realise that there are people around me that genuinely cared for my wellbeing. This is also something that struggled with since my teenage years, I've always felt so helpless, never believing that anyone cared. 

So now, at the age of 28, I can say that I'm doing okay, my views on life aren't as grey as it used to be. Even when I doubt myself, deep down I know that I'm capable of getting through it, no matter how painful it is. I just need to start believing in myself more, that I'm worth something.   

21? Really?

It's like yes, you're no longer a kid when you reach 21, but what? you expect me to miraculously grow up in one night? start acting all mature and "be an adult"? really? i've asked people whats the big deal about being 21? and trust me, i got some quite ridiculous answers.. but in the end yes i'm 21, so just give me a break and stop using that against me.

Milestone in life

I'm officially 21 now. It didnt seem like a big deal to me before, but when the moment hits, when the clock finally hits 12am, it meant something to me. I told myself "casey, you're 21 now" it probably sounds ridiculous but it kinda marked this day in my life, i'm no longer a kid now. And thanks to my dear friends, i looked back and realise that yeah, i've been through all the ups and downs and i know theres more to come but i've survived this long, and i'll try to continue to strive and maybe one day, i'll mark it as that one special day in my life again. i dunno if these make sense to you, but maybe 10 years from now, i'll look back at this post and see how different i once were.
Cheers.

Why Are You My Clarity

I think all of us have our cycles, there will be this one period of time where you just don't wanna deal with people, you just need to go into that box where you just "cut ties with all the lies that you've been living in". I think I'm there again, I somewhat stopped communicating with people much, I kinda rather be left alone at times. It's normal right? At least I think all of us will go through that, correct me if I'm wrong. But the thing is, Alex is my exception, probably cause I've became so comfortable around him, he became my box. It's like I can do what I want, just be me and not having to put up a happy face and act like everything in my life is okay and just really escape life. And I know I've been complaining too much lately, I feel like a fricking brat now sitting here typing this, but that's just me.. Oh btw, I absolutely hate people that shakes their head at me as if I'm some bloody spoiled brat. Anyways, just bear with me for this period okay? I'm saying this to people around me that I actually care about. And to some ridiculous people that won't leave my life alone, really? like really? stop bugging me if you just want to use me to achieve something for your own benefit. Please, I'm really not that stupid, so just leave me alone. Doubt they will see this post but I'm saying it anyways. Btw, I would like to rant about how my clients are really ridiculous, but one manage to push me to the point where I just lost it and yell over the phone. I don't think I've ever done that before since I've started working in this firm. Like really, some common sense la, I'm not your bloody slave, you do your part and I'll do mine, don't make it my fault just because you're incompetent.

And just an additional, I feel as though my family wont accept me for who I am. Probably this is really naive, like really naive, but I want Alex to be part of my family, to live our life together. I've been thinking about telling my family about it, but there's no where to start. And I still can't find the courage to do that. I used to think that things will definitely work out, but due to recent events, I've changed my opinion on things.

Cheers ya'll.

I Was Once A Stupid Naive Kid

I just read back one of my old post, and my reaction was "I cant believe I was so naive" Okay, probably I didn't wanna offend anyone back then but when I read back to post like those, I'm like why did I even bother concealing facts and rephrasing sentences as though I sound nice. Probably I've grown up from being that stupid naive kid that didn't wanna make things bad but I feel like I stopped caring, sometimes it's easier to just tell the truth. Truth hurts, but at least it's true rather then having people tell you lies, isn't that right?

24th March, Here We Go Again

I totally have no idea what to put the title as.. probably because I always rant about the same thing so I just don't wanna repeat the title. So yeah, here I am again talking about life and all its challenges and obstacles. Today I suppose I was quite moody, I was slightly upset, sometimes I feel as though my relationship with Alex is somewhat one sided, I feel as though I need him more than he needs me. But in the end, we're okay.. I mean you'll never find that one perfect person that fulfill all your requirements, that person will never exist. In a relationship you just have to tolerate and accept each others flaws and short comings, people say that if the person loves you he'll accept you for who you are, yeah probably that's true but for me, I believe if you really love that person you would try to somewhat learn to accept it. No one is perfect, I was never out to look for that perfect man, just someone that would love me and accept my flaws. HAHA! which I think would be quite a list. And I shall not start counting them out here. Just don't let go of the person you love, sometimes it's just bumps that both parties need to face together and solve it. oh well... moving on..

Here's another common topic that I always rant about, my future.. haha! honestly, I too realised that I've been going on and on about my future all the time, but what to do? every young adult (I label myself as young adult, at most! sometimes even teen) would go through what I go through I suppose. It's this stage where all of us need to decide what we really want for ourselves and how we are gonna achieve it. Probably most of us already have our goals set out for us, it's just the matter of achieving it. For me, I'm still debating with myself whether this is really what I wanna do for the rest of my life. To be an accountant and do a desk job forever, my colleagues tell me that I would be a good stand up comedian due to all my stupid cold jokes. But here I am stuck doing this, I've once complaint to a friend whether this line of work is suitable for me or not, and he told that if I don't like it I would go study something else, but I told him that it's too late. I'm already in too deep, but when I really think about it, I'm merely 21 years old (not officially, but I'm getting there) and to think that I've been working for almost 2 years already, it's when you're out in the real world that you know you're no longer a kid with the privilege of just focusing on studies and nothing else. When you face the real world, you know how hard it is to be working a full time job and coping with part time studies. And honestly, I'm not doing a very good job at that. Sometimes, I feel as though Alex doesn't understand but I know he wants the best for me. And yes, I know I'm not putting 100% into my studies, it's like after a long day of work you need to rush to class for 3 to 4 hours and you get home about 10.45pm ish you just tend to lose the will to study after all that. And like honestly, I was never the hard working kid, probably NEVER is a strong word, it's just that I'm not motivated to study. I enjoyed my LCCI days because I was so motivated to be the best, I wanted to be top of my class, top of the entire school/college (depends how you see it) anyways, yes I had that kick last time, but now I'm like barely passing my exams, I'm not motivated to study after a long day of work, when I have free time, I rather use it to entertain myself like sitting in front of the computer watching anime, going out and such.  Where is happening to me? I once told my friends "Don't let me stop studying" because back then I've heard so many people stopped pursuing ACCA and drop out halfway, I told myself that I would never ever let myself do that. But now, I'm not convince that I can uphold that promise until the very end. I'm scared that one day I'm gonna let go and whats gonna be left for me? Since young, I know how hard my parents had to work to put food on the table, kinda.. so I told myself I'm not gonna be like my parents, I want a good life for myself, but it's really not that easy. I wanted a life that I don't need to worry about money, a stable income, a stable life. Probably not an extravagant lifestyle but at least a stable and comfortable one. In a way, I always find that those rather pampered kids that gets what they want all the time, they really don't understand what it means to struggle with money, it's like they don't understand the value of money. I've seen too many growing up, in a way you can say I envy them but in a way I'm also proud to say that I'm above them. Yes, I mean my parents buy me stuff too, but I'm proud to say that I bought my own phones and gadgets growing up, I paid for my own college fees and kinda supported myself in life.

In the end, it's so hard to be a 21 year old that needs to worry about life, I keep saying that I need a break but honestly.. I know I'm just asking too much. Deep inside, I know I don't deserve it. I'm not working hard enough at work, I'm not studying hard enough and yet sometimes I feel so stressed out, I wake up everyday and the first thing that runs through my mind would be what do I need to accomplish today? So yeah, why do I need breaks? I know I dont deserve it but yet I want it. haha.. This whole thing is me debating with myself, it's like I'm arguing on both sides. I feel so ridiculous now.. Can someone just save me from all these? It's like how you see in those movies or fairy tales, where there'll always be someone to save you.. But it really sucks to know that reality is totally different from fairy tales. You don't always get your happy endings..