Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1360 would like feedback on the following version of the query:

Dear Mr. Evil Editor:

Twenty-eight-year-old Verity Hearst fears she'll never meet a man who will accept her dark secret. But solitude isn't so bad, not with a loaded sniper rifle and a warm cup of tea to keep her company. She has killed over forty criminals as one of the world's elite assassins, a reputation she has proudly earned alone.

Verity's manager is her only link to the mysterious company she works for. When he tells her she'll have a partner on her next assignment, taking out three men at the head of a billion-dollar human and drug trafficking operation, a partner sounds like a good idea. Until she meets his ego.

Verity's partner Cy thinks he's the world's greatest assassin. He's the expert on everything, including how to pour a cup of tea properly. He criticizes her every move, and has no faith in her instincts. When they are sent to a booby-trapped island in the Bahamas to kill the mastermind of the operation, Cy insists on doing things his way. But Verity knows his escape plan will get them killed. If she can't convince him her way off the island is better, they'll both end up in early graves.

KILLER IN HEELS is a 70,000-word suspense novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration,


Notes

This works for me, though I have a few suggestions you can take or leave.

The fact that Verity needs a partner seems less important if they're taking out the three men one at a time. So you could remove "three men at" from the second paragraph. The other two men aren't important in the query unless they're also on the island. Once you've done that, you can change "the mastermind of the operation" in the 3rd paragraph to "their target."

You could combine the first two sentences of paragraph 3 into something like:
Verity's partner Cy thinks he's the world's top expert on everything from rifle scopes to panda dung tea.

Putting the focus on their escape suggests they've done everything Cy's way and successfully killed their target. It might be more effective to suggest that doing things Cy's way keeps almost getting them killed, to the extent that surviving Cy's recklessness is the hardest part of the mission for Verity.

Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1360 would like feedback on the following revision:


Dear Mr. Evil Editor:

Twenty-eight-year-old Verity Hearst fears she'll never meet a man who will accept her dark secret. But solitude isn't so bad, not with a loaded Springfield 1911-A1 pistol and a warm cup of tea to keep her company. She has killed over eighty criminals as one of the world's elite assassins, [Is a pistol the best weapon for a assassin? In some cases, maybe, but usually you'd want something long-range like a sniper rifle, or quiet, like a garrote so you don't get caught.] a reputation she has proudly earned alone. Her only problem is the innocent witness she killed and buried after her last assignment. [If her last assignment was completed, why would she be killing anyone? Was it an accident? Did the witness see her kill a criminal?] She isn't sure what her employer will do to her if they find out.

Verity's manager is her only link to the mysterious company she works for. When he tells her she'll have a partner on the highest paid assignment of her life, she wonders if her employer is doubting her ability to kill unnoticed. Taking out three men at the head of a billion-dollar human and drug trafficking operation doesn't seem that difficult, [Actually, it does. Those sound like guys who would be surrounded by bodyguards wearing bulletproof vests and armed with better weapons than 1911-A1 pistols.] until she meets her new partner's ego.

Verity's partner Cy thinks he's the world's greatest assassin. He's the expert on everything, including how to pour a cup of tea properly. Verity has zero interest in him romantically, but he doesn't believe it. He scrutinizes [criticizes?] her every move, and has no faith in her ability to annihilate their targets. Verity knows she'll lose her job if she lets Cy do all the killing. And both their lives are on the line if they can't find a way to kill their targets together. Firing an assassin from what she does best means she'll end up in an early grave. [That sentence isn't clear. You could replace the last two sentences with: And assassins don't get fired; they get sent to an early grave.] [Although it seems if you're an assassin working to kill bad guys, your employer would be a good guy, and wouldn't eliminate you like they would if you worked for the mob and could blow the whistle on them.]

KILLER IN HEELS is a 70,000-word suspense novel.


Notes

This is pretty much all setup. We know Verity and Cy are assassins assigned to kill three people, but we don't know anything that happens. What's their plan? What goes wrong? What situation forces them to work together whether they like it or not? If you eliminate the two sentences about Verity's only problem, which don't seem necessary (and lead to questions you don't have room to answer), and the last three sentences of paragraph 3, you'll have room to provide some details about the story.