Why you don't get published.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Q & A 28 Book Sales vs. Memberships
Here's my question...comment... rant. I actually HAVE sold two books to an RWA acredited publisher. Alas, I have never been a member of RWA, nor do I have a desire to join. I wonder, does having books actually out there, published, in print, hold more sway than being part of a big name organization like RWA? The problem is that, once you've been "published", that doesn't mean you'll ever get published again. And some people--even evil editors--seem to hold high stock in those aforementioned organizations. If a long period of time comes between publishing period one and hopeful publishing period two, will editors still be impressed by the fact that you're published to begin with?
Given the little information Evil Editor has, he would give a qualified Yes, Yes, Yes! It costs a lot of money to publish a book. A good-sized publisher isn't going to have a print run under ten or fifteen thousand. Add cover art and design to printing and binding and coffee and doughnuts and rejection slips and Evil Editor's salary, and we're talking a big investment. Either they're idiots, or they believe you have the right stuff. Even if you were published by a very small press, they must have put five or ten grand into your book, and to a small press trying to run in the black, that's not chump change. Somebody likes your writing. Compare that to a writer who has written something that hasn't yet sold, and has invested some money in joining an organization. She's serious about her writing, but it remains to be seen whether she can produce the goods.
Now, if your books tanked, that's why your original publisher isn't on you to write more, but you can blame it on the ugly covers they gave you, if anyone asks.
Q & A 27 Encl: SASE?
I'm troubled by the phrase, "I am enclosing a/an SASE for your convenience."
First of all, isn't it obvious, since the return envelope is stamped and self-addressed and fell out in your hand when you opened the query? Second, the sentence takes up space when every word counts. Third, it's such a stock phrase that I'll never understand how any creative person can use it without feeling that it has tainted the effort they put into the rest of the letter.
Yet many writers seem to feel obligated to close the query with those exact words, or an ever so slightly changed version thereof. Is the presence of the SASE really something that needs to be pointed out to you, and must we really tell you why it's there?
Actually, everything is obvious except your story and your credits. It's obvious that you are submitting a manuscript. It's obvious that it's for me, as the envelope was addressed to me. It's obvious that you look forward to hearing from me. Declaring what you've enclosed in an envelope is a standard business practice, however. And while Evil Editor would prefer to hear about your book, there are those who can describe their book in half a page. If they would like to add something obvious to help fill the page, it won't be a deal breaker.
It also won't be a deal maker, so if it bothers you, don't do it. But keep in mind that if you forget to enclose a(n) SASE, and there's no mention of it in your letter, the editor will think you are clueless about the protocol involved in submitting. She'll trash your letter without another thought. But if you've declared that you are enclosing the SASE that isn't there, the editor will assume you are merely absent-minded. She'll think, Hmm, G.K. Chesterton was absent-minded. Einstein was absent-minded. Columbo . . . I'd better have a look at the manuscript.
Face-Lift 43
Guess the Plot
Little Girl Blue
1. Miss Blue isn't happy as a schoolteacher. But was she really any happier living in the communal home with her cadre of Marxist friends?
2. When rookie cop Sarah Baxter is sent on her first undercover mission, she must catch the killer quickly... or miss her thirteenth birthday party.
3. Jessica struggles to be accepted in the harsh world of elementary school after an unfortunate accident involving a vat of blue dye.
4. Clinically depressed Danielle Clay just inherited a million dollars. Will her therapist/lover wrest control of it?
5. Pinky and Little Boy Blue prepare their daughter for the harsh realities of life in a society built on kitsch.
6. Now it can be told: the uncensored version of what went on between Smurfette and the men of the Smurf village.
Original Version
Dear Evil Editor:
I am seeking representation and publication for my literary mystery, LITTLE GIRL BLUE.
I would like you to meet Abby Blue – first year teacher, new mother, recent wife, ambivalent failure. A year earlier, she lived in a communal house with her boyfriend and their cadre of Marxist friends, believing that monogamy was nothing more than an oppressive arm of the corporate state, [Corporations want you sleeping around. Especially those that manufacture penicillin.] and that the educational system was a sinister government tool to crush independent thinking. [Just the attitude I want in my kid's teacher. Apparently she lied on the job application where it asked, Did you ever blow up the administration building of a major university?] But. Because she became pregnant, she married. And because they were broke, she taught school, hoping that by doing, she would somehow come to love it. [Are we to assume she just decides to teach, and a school decides to hire her? Did she act as a teacher's assistant and get certified? What is she qualified to teach? Does she have a curriculum prepared? Has she purchased a bullet-proof vest? Evil Editor will assume these concerns are dealt with in the book.]
Alas, she does not. [Big surprise there.] She does not love the mindless drone insipid teacher meetings. She does not love the moronic papers she must grade, [Are you sure her name is Miss Blue, and not Miss Snark?] nor the twice daily need to pump breast milk for her baby while perched on a school toilet that may or may not be sanitized. [I wouldn't want to be the first-grader who accidentally walked into that stall. She'd think the Borg had assimilated Miss Blue.] And most of all, she does not love this school, broken by years of racial discord, staunchly ignored by an administration who refuse to admit defeat in the face of a force they cannot control. In addition, Abby Blue has a smart mouth and a penchant for insubordination, and her job is now on the line. [You know there's a teacher shortage when you can get away with mouthing off during your first month on the job.]
But when her favorite student meets a grisly end in the Varsity locker room, everything starts to change. The school, quietly divided by color and subdivided by class, pulls apart, and Abby finds herself desperately hanging on to both ends. After promising a tearful mother to search for the truth when the police would not, Abby is hurled into a world of gang violence, land lust, [Land lust? What, are homesteading teachers squatting in her classroom?] regular lust, [Ah, the hunky idealistic teacher across the hall drops by Abby's room after dismissal. Please tell me it's the hunky idealistic teacher, and not the brilliant but misguided punk student she's trying desperately to reach.] and slick public faces. She visits the prison, steals from crime scenes, [She steals one of those DO NOT CROSS ribbons, and puts it across the door to her classroom.] tracks down lost parents, and lies more times than she could count in her quest for answers. Cops clamp down, parents demonstrate, students riot, and the murders continue. [And this is just the junior high.] As Abby slowly pieces together disparate bits of a terrifying truth, the rash of violence looms ever closer, bites at the edges of her life, knocks at her door.
LITTLE GIRL BLUE is a novel that is at once an off-beat mystery, a teacher’s story, a marital journey, and a meditation on motherhood. [It's Everybook.] It examines broken neighborhoods, broken families, broken classrooms, broken women, [You're starting to sound like a broken record.] and most importantly, how a life has the power to touch another life. How we become more than ourselves. How we become whole.
I am a writer, teacher and mom, living in Minneapolis, Minnesota. My novel is complete, edited, re-edited and re-re-edited, not to mention sliced, diced, and, more than once, turned on its head. [Cute, but this is so long already, you don't have room for this.] It is eighty-one thousand words. If you would like to see the first three chapters of Little Girl Blue, I would be happy to send them, along with SASE, and any other pertinent details. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Hugs and Kisses, etc.
Revised Version
Dear Evil Editor:
Meet Abby Blue – first year teacher, new mother, ambivalent failure. A year ago she lived in a communal house with her boyfriend and their cadre of Marxist friends, believing the education system was a government tool designed to crush independent thinking. But because she became pregnant, she married. And because they were broke, she taught school, hoping she would come to love it.
Alas, she does not. She does not love the insipid teacher meetings, the moronic papers she must grade, the twice daily need to pump breast milk for her baby. And most of all, she does not love this school, broken by racial discord, and ignored by an uncaring administration.
When Abby's favorite student meets a grisly end in the varsity locker room, the school splits apart, and Abby is hurled into a world of lust, corruption, and murder. As she slowly pieces together disparate bits of a terrifying truth, violence looms ever closer to her door.
LITTLE GIRL BLUE is at once an off-beat mystery, a teacher’s story, and a meditation on motherhood. It examines broken neighborhoods, broken families, broken classrooms. Most importantly, it shows how one life has the power to touch another.
I am a writer, teacher and mom, living in Minneapolis. Little Girl Blue is complete, at eighty-one thousand words. If you would like to see the first three chapters, I will send them along. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Notes
This seemed too long. Snipping a phrase here, a sentence there, may have gotten it to a manageable length. If you want it longer, the short query with attached synopsis may be the way to go.
Little Girl Blue
1. Miss Blue isn't happy as a schoolteacher. But was she really any happier living in the communal home with her cadre of Marxist friends?
2. When rookie cop Sarah Baxter is sent on her first undercover mission, she must catch the killer quickly... or miss her thirteenth birthday party.
3. Jessica struggles to be accepted in the harsh world of elementary school after an unfortunate accident involving a vat of blue dye.
4. Clinically depressed Danielle Clay just inherited a million dollars. Will her therapist/lover wrest control of it?
5. Pinky and Little Boy Blue prepare their daughter for the harsh realities of life in a society built on kitsch.
6. Now it can be told: the uncensored version of what went on between Smurfette and the men of the Smurf village.
Original Version
Dear Evil Editor:
I am seeking representation and publication for my literary mystery, LITTLE GIRL BLUE.
I would like you to meet Abby Blue – first year teacher, new mother, recent wife, ambivalent failure. A year earlier, she lived in a communal house with her boyfriend and their cadre of Marxist friends, believing that monogamy was nothing more than an oppressive arm of the corporate state, [Corporations want you sleeping around. Especially those that manufacture penicillin.] and that the educational system was a sinister government tool to crush independent thinking. [Just the attitude I want in my kid's teacher. Apparently she lied on the job application where it asked, Did you ever blow up the administration building of a major university?] But. Because she became pregnant, she married. And because they were broke, she taught school, hoping that by doing, she would somehow come to love it. [Are we to assume she just decides to teach, and a school decides to hire her? Did she act as a teacher's assistant and get certified? What is she qualified to teach? Does she have a curriculum prepared? Has she purchased a bullet-proof vest? Evil Editor will assume these concerns are dealt with in the book.]
Alas, she does not. [Big surprise there.] She does not love the mindless drone insipid teacher meetings. She does not love the moronic papers she must grade, [Are you sure her name is Miss Blue, and not Miss Snark?] nor the twice daily need to pump breast milk for her baby while perched on a school toilet that may or may not be sanitized. [I wouldn't want to be the first-grader who accidentally walked into that stall. She'd think the Borg had assimilated Miss Blue.] And most of all, she does not love this school, broken by years of racial discord, staunchly ignored by an administration who refuse to admit defeat in the face of a force they cannot control. In addition, Abby Blue has a smart mouth and a penchant for insubordination, and her job is now on the line. [You know there's a teacher shortage when you can get away with mouthing off during your first month on the job.]
But when her favorite student meets a grisly end in the Varsity locker room, everything starts to change. The school, quietly divided by color and subdivided by class, pulls apart, and Abby finds herself desperately hanging on to both ends. After promising a tearful mother to search for the truth when the police would not, Abby is hurled into a world of gang violence, land lust, [Land lust? What, are homesteading teachers squatting in her classroom?] regular lust, [Ah, the hunky idealistic teacher across the hall drops by Abby's room after dismissal. Please tell me it's the hunky idealistic teacher, and not the brilliant but misguided punk student she's trying desperately to reach.] and slick public faces. She visits the prison, steals from crime scenes, [She steals one of those DO NOT CROSS ribbons, and puts it across the door to her classroom.] tracks down lost parents, and lies more times than she could count in her quest for answers. Cops clamp down, parents demonstrate, students riot, and the murders continue. [And this is just the junior high.] As Abby slowly pieces together disparate bits of a terrifying truth, the rash of violence looms ever closer, bites at the edges of her life, knocks at her door.
LITTLE GIRL BLUE is a novel that is at once an off-beat mystery, a teacher’s story, a marital journey, and a meditation on motherhood. [It's Everybook.] It examines broken neighborhoods, broken families, broken classrooms, broken women, [You're starting to sound like a broken record.] and most importantly, how a life has the power to touch another life. How we become more than ourselves. How we become whole.
I am a writer, teacher and mom, living in Minneapolis, Minnesota. My novel is complete, edited, re-edited and re-re-edited, not to mention sliced, diced, and, more than once, turned on its head. [Cute, but this is so long already, you don't have room for this.] It is eighty-one thousand words. If you would like to see the first three chapters of Little Girl Blue, I would be happy to send them, along with SASE, and any other pertinent details. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Hugs and Kisses, etc.
Revised Version
Dear Evil Editor:
Meet Abby Blue – first year teacher, new mother, ambivalent failure. A year ago she lived in a communal house with her boyfriend and their cadre of Marxist friends, believing the education system was a government tool designed to crush independent thinking. But because she became pregnant, she married. And because they were broke, she taught school, hoping she would come to love it.
Alas, she does not. She does not love the insipid teacher meetings, the moronic papers she must grade, the twice daily need to pump breast milk for her baby. And most of all, she does not love this school, broken by racial discord, and ignored by an uncaring administration.
When Abby's favorite student meets a grisly end in the varsity locker room, the school splits apart, and Abby is hurled into a world of lust, corruption, and murder. As she slowly pieces together disparate bits of a terrifying truth, violence looms ever closer to her door.
LITTLE GIRL BLUE is at once an off-beat mystery, a teacher’s story, and a meditation on motherhood. It examines broken neighborhoods, broken families, broken classrooms. Most importantly, it shows how one life has the power to touch another.
I am a writer, teacher and mom, living in Minneapolis. Little Girl Blue is complete, at eighty-one thousand words. If you would like to see the first three chapters, I will send them along. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Notes
This seemed too long. Snipping a phrase here, a sentence there, may have gotten it to a manageable length. If you want it longer, the short query with attached synopsis may be the way to go.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Q & A 26 Query Music
What ditties comprise the Evil Editor's Top 25 All Time Greatest Songs list? Please share--my ipod needs an Evil Editor playlist.
Evil Editor considered answering snidely, with the following list of title-appropriate songs:
Everyone Needs an Editor ... Mates of State
The Query ........................... Naca7
Please Buy Me ..................... HRT
Dead Letter Blues ................ Johnny O'Neal
Fat Chance ...........................Phoebe Snow
Forget About It ................... Alison Krauss
You've Got to be Kidding ..... Graham Parker
Evil Me ................................St. Madness
What Do You Really Want? .. Snark
But knowing many of his minions are looking for every possible edge, he has posted his playlist at www.EvilEditor.net .
By the way, while checking on the singer of "The Query," I noticed another song on ITunes entitled "Ad Query." It's short enough that you can listen to the entire thing without having to buy it. Your chance to beat the system.
Q & A 25 Credits Worth Mentioning
Is "I have been active in a critique group" really worth mentioning in your query letter? My critique group has been very helpful, but I guess I thought that mentioning it in the letter might seem a trifle desperate--especially as I have no publication credits to tack it onto the end of.
If you list credits at the end of your letter, chances are the editor or agent has made a decision before getting to them.
If that decision is Yes, then you don't need any credits.
If that decision is Maybe, then impressive credits could be helpful. Your critique group isn't impressive, but if you have only one or two credits to mention, they're going to look lonely in a paragraph by themselves, so there's nothing wrong with padding that paragraph with your contest honorable mention, your membership in The Missouri Writers Network, or your critique group participation (choose one--all three might seem a trifle desperate, as you said). Just make sure you've devoted as much space as necessary to your book before you consider padding anything.
If that decision is No, then the only credits that might have an effect are, My previous book sold 100,000 copies, or My article, "How to Murder People Who Disappoint You, and Get Away With It," appeared in last month's Soldier of Fortune.
Face-Lift 42
Guess the Plot
Reflection
1. The mirror in the castle has murdered 20 people over the past 100 years. If amateur sleuth Sheila Strewth can't solve the mystery she's going to become victim no 21.
2. Marilyn had always been fascinated by the three-sided mirrors in department stores. Buying furniture for her new apartment, she finds one and promptly buys it. At home, she closes the sides around herself and is never heard from again.
3. This book examines why today's working men and women rush from one commitment to another, never taking time to reflect on the choices they make.
4. A reporter stumbles onto the story of a madman's experiment: the world's first human clone. But will her knowledge put her life in danger?
5. Jody saw herself as a pale reflection of her mercurial, talented older sister Harmony. But when Harmony's brilliant life shatters into a thousand pieces, only Jody's calm reflection--and seven years of therapy--can give Harmony the courage to look into a mirror again.
6. A rainy-day fun book for kids. With some drawing-paper, pencils and a hand-mirror, parents can banish those nothing-to-do complaints for a precious half-hour. And when the sun comes out again, abandon your kids in the woods and test their skill at signaling for help by heliograph.
Original Version
Dear Evil Editor:
While an illegal project born from madness and greed remains hidden from the world, will a reporter risk her life to expose the most diabolical plot of modern science? [My God, what is it, a new bomb that makes a nuclear bomb look like a firecracker? A new germ warfare weapon capable of wiping out all life?]
In REFLECTION, Whitney Steel, a feisty Florida investigative reporter has lived in her deceased father’s shadow, a legendary war correspondent, long enough. [Not to be nitpicky, but if her deceased father's shadow is a war correspondent, that would be legendary.] She wants the story of a lifetime to prove to herself, and her colleagues' that she has the guts to see a story through, her way, no matter what the cost. [She's a ruthless vigilante reporter.]
When the mother-of-all-stories lands in her lap--a lead pointing to the world's first cloned human, (a small child), [That's the diabolical plot? A small child? Wait a minute, is the kid's name Damien?] Whitney vows to expose the truth. But she soon discovers that uncovering the facts has dangerous consequences. Including death threats, murder [Whose?] and an undercover FBI agent, [He's undercover as the first cloned adult human.] that while he might have saved her life, he has no intention of letting her expose a madman’s experiment--at least not right away. [At least not until he gets her in the sack.] [Evil Editor has looked into cloning and gene splicing experimentation in an effort to be better informed for this critique. Turns out that companies have been patenting new animals for some time now. Which makes sense. What's the point of investing time and money into creating a new animal like a geep (a cross between a goat and a sheep, no lie) if some other company can come along and, through the relatively inexpensive process of cloning your geep, create their own geeps? Evil Editor isn't sure why they called it a geep instead of a shoat, by the way. Maybe whoever invents an animal gets to decide which half comes first. Of course, with some animals, there's only one decent choice. If you cross a falcon with a duck, you have to call it a dalcon.] Now faced with tough choices, with consequences for many, most of all, the child she’s attempting to save, Whitney realizes that sometimes a story becomes more than just a story. [Let me guess. Whitney and the FBI agent adopt the clone, move to Montana, and start a geep ranch.]
REFLECTION, is a 90,000 word mainstream suspense novel with a strong romantic element. This manuscript placed 7th in the RWA’s Romantic Suspense Chapter’s KOD contest in 2003, and placed 1st in the 2004 Gotcha Contest. I have been writing suspense for six years, and I regularly participate in writing workshops both locally and on-line. The synopsis and completed manuscript are available on request. I have included an SASE for your convenience. I look forward to hearing from you, and I thank you in advance for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Revised Version
Dear Evil Editor:
When an illegal project borne in madness and greed lies hidden from the world, will a reporter risk her life to expose it?
Whitney Steel, a feisty Florida investigative reporter, has lived in the shadow of her legendary father long enough. She wants to prove to herself and her colleagues that she has the guts to see a story through, no matter what the cost.
When a lead pointing to the world's first cloned human (a small child) falls into her lap, Whitney vows to expose the truth. But uncovering the facts proves to have dangerous consequences, including death threats and the murder of Whitney's source. Whitney herself is nearly killed, but is saved by hunky undercover FBI agent Stud Manly, who has no intention of letting Whitney publish her exposé--at least not yet. Faced with tough choices, with consequences for many--most of all the child she’s attempting to save--Whitney realizes that sometimes a story becomes more than just a story.
REFLECTION, is a 90,000 word mainstream suspense novel with a strong romantic element. The novel placed 7th in the RWA’s Romantic Suspense Chapter’s KOD contest in 2003, and placed 1st in the 2004 Gotcha Contest. The synopsis and completed manuscript are available on request. I have included an SASE for your convenience. I thank you in advance for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Notes
While there are those who would see cloning a human as the most diabolical plot ever, it's probably best to tone down the end-of-civilization bluster. It's enough that it's the first cloned human, without making it Armageddon. Of course, if you don't get this published fast, Damien may not be the first.
Mini-Contest 3 Ends
The object was to improve upon the analogy . . . his dream of taking up his famous father’s profession [printmaster] has proved as elusive as the mysterious forest people of the Mistlands.
His dream of taking up his famous father’s profession has proved as elusive as . . .
hair on the lady parts of the tanorexic fame-whores of Hollywood.
traction at a Crisco party.
a literary agent for an unknown sci-fi writer.
weapons of mass destruction.
an apropos analogy!
Evil Editor's query praise.
the New Delhi Sizzler.
the identities of the people who keep being named in these analogies.**
an Ethiopian Sumo wrestler.
the Snark.
a designated driver at the Kennedy compound.
** Evil Editor assumes this is a reference to Mini-Contests 1 and 2, in which the names Dick Vermeil, Paula Abdul, Meat Loaf, Siegfried and Roy, Old Yeller, and Miss Snark were mentioned. For the enlightenment of those not up on the really important stuff:
Dick Vermeil: American pro football coach who won a Super Bowl, but is primarily known for breaking down and bawling uncontrollably whenever he wins, loses, or gets asked any question about football.
Paula Abdul: American Idol judge who breaks down and bawls uncontrollably whenever a male contestant is voted off, and then has an affair with him that lasts until the next male contestant is voted off.
Old Yeller: Movie about a dog that has to be put down. Entire theater audience breaks down and bawls uncontrollably.
Meat Loaf: Gigantic singer (with two songs in Evil Editor's top 25 all time greatest songs) who perspires so uncontrollably on stage he has to carry a bath towel.
Siegfried and Roy: Weird Vegas magicians who work with tigers a lot, or at least they did until one of the cats ripped Roy's throat out during a performance. Now they work with gerbils.
Miss Snark: Literary Agent, renaissance woman, slave to her dog, and whatever you do, don't cross her.
His dream of taking up his famous father’s profession has proved as elusive as . . .
hair on the lady parts of the tanorexic fame-whores of Hollywood.
traction at a Crisco party.
a literary agent for an unknown sci-fi writer.
weapons of mass destruction.
an apropos analogy!
Evil Editor's query praise.
the New Delhi Sizzler.
the identities of the people who keep being named in these analogies.**
an Ethiopian Sumo wrestler.
the Snark.
a designated driver at the Kennedy compound.
** Evil Editor assumes this is a reference to Mini-Contests 1 and 2, in which the names Dick Vermeil, Paula Abdul, Meat Loaf, Siegfried and Roy, Old Yeller, and Miss Snark were mentioned. For the enlightenment of those not up on the really important stuff:
Dick Vermeil: American pro football coach who won a Super Bowl, but is primarily known for breaking down and bawling uncontrollably whenever he wins, loses, or gets asked any question about football.
Paula Abdul: American Idol judge who breaks down and bawls uncontrollably whenever a male contestant is voted off, and then has an affair with him that lasts until the next male contestant is voted off.
Old Yeller: Movie about a dog that has to be put down. Entire theater audience breaks down and bawls uncontrollably.
Meat Loaf: Gigantic singer (with two songs in Evil Editor's top 25 all time greatest songs) who perspires so uncontrollably on stage he has to carry a bath towel.
Siegfried and Roy: Weird Vegas magicians who work with tigers a lot, or at least they did until one of the cats ripped Roy's throat out during a performance. Now they work with gerbils.
Miss Snark: Literary Agent, renaissance woman, slave to her dog, and whatever you do, don't cross her.
Monday, May 29, 2006
Face-Lift 41
Guess the Plot
Honor Lost Honor Bound
1. Twins separated at birth, Honoria and Honorine take differing paths. Honoria adopted by the Carringtons in Boston and Honorine fostered by absinthe-swilling bohemians in Paris. One becomes an intrepid explorer, the other a flamboyant bondage model.
2. The feudal society of Gon'rha is falling apart, revolutionaries abound. The twin daughters of the High Priest must fulfill a legend to bring about a century of peace. However, the legend predicts the death of one of the girls.
3. Canadian separatists attempt to drag the United States into a civil war in Canada, but no one south of the border even knew the war was going on.
4. When temple virgin Castizia is seduced and sold into slavery by the rogue Renart, she vows revenge. When Renart falls into her power, will her hatred bring her to abandon the teachings of the god she was dedicated to in childhood?
5. Honors student Josh Wilton's world crumbled when he was accused of cheating and his exam papers vanished mysteriously. Josh vows that nothing will stand in the way of his acceptance by the university of his choice. Not even Principal Grimble.
6. Forced into an embarrassing retreat by a heavily armed street gang, an army battalion chooses an easier target: a local Brownie troop.
Original Version
How close did Canada come to being torn apart and how close did the U.S. come to having another war to deal with? [One thing about going to war with Canada, our draft dodgers wouldn't be able to move to Canada to get out of fighting, eh?] [Also, there wouldn't be any casualties, as we'd agree to settle our differences on the curling sheet, eh?]
In 1995, French-Canadian separatists lost a vote to secede by less than one percent; one-third of the Canadian army is French-Canadian; and the James Bay Hydro Station supplies power to the U.S. [Things you learned on Jeopardy?] HONOR LOST HONOR BOUND, my 90,000-word suspense novel, weaves these facts into one brief timeframe and describes Canada's nightmare: civil war. [Our top story tonight, Canada declared war today. Predictably, they declared it on Canada.] [The good thing about going to war with yourself instead of someone else is that you don't have to worry about the United States butting in. Right? Eh?]
Captain James Morgan's [Is this the hoser they named the rum after?] bravery is matched only by his temper, and when that temper is roused, someone, possibly even he himself, will end up in jail, or the hospital. In Yugoslavia, Morgan's rifle jams in the middle of a firefight and he is almost killed by Bosnian snipers. [Is this event so important to the plot that it must be in the query letter?] Later, while recuperating in Canada, he discovers that the French-Canadian company manufacturing the army's rifles is purposely using substandard metal. Morgan's wife, a strong-willed naval officer, accidentally sees plans for a Quebec attack and is almost killed for her discovery. As his marriage crumbles, Morgan turns to the nurse who comforted him after the attack in Bosnia. [Hang on a minute, I think I'm going to need a scorecard to keep up with this.] Morgan's investigation progresses and a Quebec soldier is sent to stop him (or kill him, whichever is easier) but defects instead. [Defects from Quebec to Saskatchewan.] Although Canadian officials are alerted to the impending danger, they are unable to stop the separatists. In an effort to secure their new nation, the "Quebec Army" moves to take over the James Bay Hydro Station. [This paragraph is reading like a series of one-sentence synopses of your chapters. Too many events and no flow. Less is more.] Throughout, Morgan struggles with his hatred of the separatists and their beliefs as he fights to avenge his wife [Is she dead? I missed that part.] and ultimately, battles to save his country from a war that can have no winners.
As a retired Canadian army officer, [Aha, so you are Captain Morgan.] I have personally experienced the separatist mentality. My first novel, "Till Death Do Us Part" was published in 1996 [by?]. I have been published in military magazines and was an editorial columnist for The Saint, in Windsor, Ontario. In addition, I have been active in a writer's critique group since 2001.
I look forward to hearing from you in the near future.
Sincerely,
Revised Version
Dear Evil Editor:
In 1995, French-Canadian separatists lost a vote to secede by less than one percent. In my alternate history novel HONOR LOST, HONOR BOUND, separatists refuse to accept the results of that referendum. In an effort to secure a new nation, the "Quebec Army" moves to take over the James Bay Hydro Station (which supplies power to the U.S.), thus bringing Canada to the brink of civil war.
Through the eyes of Captain James Morgan, of the Canadian Forces, Honor Lost, Honor Bound follows the events leading up to the revolt. Morgan struggles with his hatred of the separatists and their beliefs as he attempts to avenge his murdered wife, and ultimately, to save his country from a war that can have no winners.
A retired Canadian army officer, I have personally experienced the separatist mentality. My first novel, Till Death Do Us Part was published in 1996 by Molson House. I have been published in military magazines and was an editorial columnist for The Saint, in Windsor, Ontario. In addition, I have been active in a writer's critique group since 2001.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Notes
Concentrating on one plot thread gives more of a feel for a unified story. Whether it's the story you've written, Evil Editor doesn't know, but if not, a few tweaks and a few more pertinent details should get it right.
Honor Lost Honor Bound
1. Twins separated at birth, Honoria and Honorine take differing paths. Honoria adopted by the Carringtons in Boston and Honorine fostered by absinthe-swilling bohemians in Paris. One becomes an intrepid explorer, the other a flamboyant bondage model.
2. The feudal society of Gon'rha is falling apart, revolutionaries abound. The twin daughters of the High Priest must fulfill a legend to bring about a century of peace. However, the legend predicts the death of one of the girls.
3. Canadian separatists attempt to drag the United States into a civil war in Canada, but no one south of the border even knew the war was going on.
4. When temple virgin Castizia is seduced and sold into slavery by the rogue Renart, she vows revenge. When Renart falls into her power, will her hatred bring her to abandon the teachings of the god she was dedicated to in childhood?
5. Honors student Josh Wilton's world crumbled when he was accused of cheating and his exam papers vanished mysteriously. Josh vows that nothing will stand in the way of his acceptance by the university of his choice. Not even Principal Grimble.
6. Forced into an embarrassing retreat by a heavily armed street gang, an army battalion chooses an easier target: a local Brownie troop.
Original Version
How close did Canada come to being torn apart and how close did the U.S. come to having another war to deal with? [One thing about going to war with Canada, our draft dodgers wouldn't be able to move to Canada to get out of fighting, eh?] [Also, there wouldn't be any casualties, as we'd agree to settle our differences on the curling sheet, eh?]
In 1995, French-Canadian separatists lost a vote to secede by less than one percent; one-third of the Canadian army is French-Canadian; and the James Bay Hydro Station supplies power to the U.S. [Things you learned on Jeopardy?] HONOR LOST HONOR BOUND, my 90,000-word suspense novel, weaves these facts into one brief timeframe and describes Canada's nightmare: civil war. [Our top story tonight, Canada declared war today. Predictably, they declared it on Canada.] [The good thing about going to war with yourself instead of someone else is that you don't have to worry about the United States butting in. Right? Eh?]
Captain James Morgan's [Is this the hoser they named the rum after?] bravery is matched only by his temper, and when that temper is roused, someone, possibly even he himself, will end up in jail, or the hospital. In Yugoslavia, Morgan's rifle jams in the middle of a firefight and he is almost killed by Bosnian snipers. [Is this event so important to the plot that it must be in the query letter?] Later, while recuperating in Canada, he discovers that the French-Canadian company manufacturing the army's rifles is purposely using substandard metal. Morgan's wife, a strong-willed naval officer, accidentally sees plans for a Quebec attack and is almost killed for her discovery. As his marriage crumbles, Morgan turns to the nurse who comforted him after the attack in Bosnia. [Hang on a minute, I think I'm going to need a scorecard to keep up with this.] Morgan's investigation progresses and a Quebec soldier is sent to stop him (or kill him, whichever is easier) but defects instead. [Defects from Quebec to Saskatchewan.] Although Canadian officials are alerted to the impending danger, they are unable to stop the separatists. In an effort to secure their new nation, the "Quebec Army" moves to take over the James Bay Hydro Station. [This paragraph is reading like a series of one-sentence synopses of your chapters. Too many events and no flow. Less is more.] Throughout, Morgan struggles with his hatred of the separatists and their beliefs as he fights to avenge his wife [Is she dead? I missed that part.] and ultimately, battles to save his country from a war that can have no winners.
As a retired Canadian army officer, [Aha, so you are Captain Morgan.] I have personally experienced the separatist mentality. My first novel, "Till Death Do Us Part" was published in 1996 [by?]. I have been published in military magazines and was an editorial columnist for The Saint, in Windsor, Ontario. In addition, I have been active in a writer's critique group since 2001.
I look forward to hearing from you in the near future.
Sincerely,
Revised Version
Dear Evil Editor:
In 1995, French-Canadian separatists lost a vote to secede by less than one percent. In my alternate history novel HONOR LOST, HONOR BOUND, separatists refuse to accept the results of that referendum. In an effort to secure a new nation, the "Quebec Army" moves to take over the James Bay Hydro Station (which supplies power to the U.S.), thus bringing Canada to the brink of civil war.
Through the eyes of Captain James Morgan, of the Canadian Forces, Honor Lost, Honor Bound follows the events leading up to the revolt. Morgan struggles with his hatred of the separatists and their beliefs as he attempts to avenge his murdered wife, and ultimately, to save his country from a war that can have no winners.
A retired Canadian army officer, I have personally experienced the separatist mentality. My first novel, Till Death Do Us Part was published in 1996 by Molson House. I have been published in military magazines and was an editorial columnist for The Saint, in Windsor, Ontario. In addition, I have been active in a writer's critique group since 2001.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Notes
Concentrating on one plot thread gives more of a feel for a unified story. Whether it's the story you've written, Evil Editor doesn't know, but if not, a few tweaks and a few more pertinent details should get it right.
Q & A 24 Query Format
A lot of the queries you post seem to follow the same pattern: they start by throwing a question into the room - 'What do you get when two distinguished gentlemen move into a neighbourhood full of unmarried girls?', give some of the plot, and end on another set of questions: 'Will her suitor run from his monstrous mother-in-law? And most of all, will Elizabeth say yes?' - and leave off. Is that an acceptable or desirable format for queries, or would you recommend to sum up the hole of the plot?
Point #1: If there are any holes in the plot, don't mention them.
Point #2. Will Elizabeth say Yes? is a rhetorical question. If it's a romance novel, Elizabeth will say Yes. If it's horror, Elizabeth will say No, and will spend the rest of the book being chased by her rejected suitor and his axe. If it's literary fiction, Elizabeth will say Yes, but will die of cancer.
Point #3. If an editor wants a synopsis with the query, that's where you sum up the whole plot. If not, you sum up the synopsis in the query--hitting the important stuff, like who are the characters I'm supposed to care about, what are their seemingly insurmountable problems, and how do they deal with them? The fact that you gave away the ending is far less likely to matter to an editor than to a shopper in a bookstore. If an editor doesn't want to know how your book ends, it's probably because he isn't interested, not because he wants to find out for himself. Spoil away.
Point #4. Perfectly acceptable. No more nor less desirable than other formats that convey the same information in an equally well-written manner.
Mini-Contest 2 Ends
The object was to improve upon the simile ". . . spilling tears like an annoying drippy faucet." Let's hope the author chooses one of these suggestions, any of which would be a vast improvement:
Spilling tears . . .
like a crocodile watching Old Yeller.
like Evil Editor reading a pathetic query.
like a prep cook chopping onions.
like Paula Abdul off her medication.
like Ruthless Vigilante Sorcerers spill blood.
like the fountain of bitch.
like sweat from the armpits of Meat Loaf.
like a Chinese Water Torture device.
like Dick Vermeil.
Mini-Contest 3
A good analogy seemed elusive to the following writer:
In those ten years, his dream of taking up his famous father’s profession [printmaster] has proved as elusive as the mysterious forest people of the Mistlands.
We need something more obviously elusive than mysterious forest people of the Mistlands, who, after all, are easily found in the forests of the Mistlands. As usual, suggestions will be collected, and the better ones posted together.
Spilling tears . . .
like a crocodile watching Old Yeller.
like Evil Editor reading a pathetic query.
like a prep cook chopping onions.
like Paula Abdul off her medication.
like Ruthless Vigilante Sorcerers spill blood.
like the fountain of bitch.
like sweat from the armpits of Meat Loaf.
like a Chinese Water Torture device.
like Dick Vermeil.
Mini-Contest 3
A good analogy seemed elusive to the following writer:
In those ten years, his dream of taking up his famous father’s profession [printmaster] has proved as elusive as the mysterious forest people of the Mistlands.
We need something more obviously elusive than mysterious forest people of the Mistlands, who, after all, are easily found in the forests of the Mistlands. As usual, suggestions will be collected, and the better ones posted together.
Face-Lift 40
Guess the Plot
Twenty Palaces
1. Travel Guide to the 20 most visited palaces in the world, including The Palace at Versailles, Buckingham Palace, and the Bombay Palace Indian Restaurant in Philadelphia.
2. Before he can fulfill his quest, crafty barbarian Salmagundi must discover which prince owns the zebra, and which drinks water. When a pretty pickpocket tells him that the prince of the purple palace grows roses and owns a fox, he realizes he has an ally - or a spy.
3. Princess Millie, discontented at home, visits the palaces of the neighboring 19 kingdoms, discovers how each royal family lives, and learns the lesson that home is best. Later, King Billy and Queen Tilly try to convince Princess Millie that a little apartment of her own would be even better.
4. A reporter sets out to discover what Saddam spent all that oil money on, if it wasn't WMDs.
5. A walking tour of Tower Road in Beverly Hills, with photos of the homes of such stars as Jay Leno, George Hamilton, and Jack Lemmon.
6. The Twenty Palace Society, an organization of ruthless vigilante sorcerers, is out to kill Jon, a recently cured paraplegic whose recovery spells danger.
Original Version
Dear Query Reader,
I am seeking representation for my novel, a 93,000-word urban fantasy called Twenty Palaces.
When Raymond Lilly was 13-years-old, he found a loaded gun. Minutes later, his best friend, Jon, was a paraplegic and Ray knew he'd done a wrong he could never set right.
Now, fifteen years later, Jon has been miraculously cured.
As the public furor surrounding this mysterious recovery grows--Jon is the target of a fraud investigation, he's hounded by journalists, and terminally ill people have camped out on his lawn hoping to share his cure--Ray discovers that his friend is also being hunted. [By some fairly inept hunters, apparently, as they can't seem to catch a guy who can't walk.] The Twenty Palace Society, an organization of ruthless vigilante sorcerers, [Just when you think you're reading a query for another depressing, heart-rending, mind-numbing literary fiction tome, up jump a team of ruthless vigilante sorcerers.] believe Jon's cure is dangerous. They intend to destroy him [ Some people just can't win. Fifteen years in a wheelchair, you miraculously get cured, and before you take your first step, you're being hunted by ruthless vigilante sorcerers.] and they don't care who they have to hurt to do it. [Which explains why they call themselves ruthless vigilante sorcerers.]
Driven by his need to repay his friend for the injury he caused, Ray does his best to protect Jon from the vigilantes. [Vigilantes? No, no, they're not just vigilantes, they're Ruthless Vigilante Sorcerers.] [Evil Editor could type the phrase "ruthless vigilante sorcerers" all day.] [Maybe that should be the title of the book.] He steals a book of spells from one of them and uses it, and their mutual dislike of each other, to trick them into turning on each other. [Nothing is more satisfying than turning the tables on ruthless vigilante sorcerers.]
But while Ray drives the members of the society toward a violent confrontation with each other, Jon begins to display inhuman strength and speed... and a hunger that can only be satisfied with human flesh. [Whoa, this gets better all the time. Evil Editor would like to suggest an even better title: Ruthless Vigilante Sorcerers Versus SuperCannibal.] Furthermore, Jon has already shared his "healing" spell with others, creating more just like him. [More super-powered cannibals? Do they all have the same super powers, or is it more like a Justice League of Super Cannibals, with SuperCannibal, Biteman, Anthropophagus, Maneater, Lectero, etc.?]
Ray quickly realizes the vigilantes were right about Jon's cure. [Don't you just hate it when ruthless vigilante sorcerers turn out to be right, and you turn out to be wrong?] Can he find the source of the spell and undo it without killing his friend? Can he save the life and humanity of the one person who means more to him than anyone else, even if it means taking away the use of his legs a second time? [No. One guy has no chance against the Justice League of Super Cannibals; however, if Ray teams up with the Ruthless Vigilante Sorcerers, there's hope for the world.]
I have sold three stories to Black Gate magazine, most recently "Soldiers of a Dying God," which will come out in their tenth issue this summer. I have also sold a story to On Spec.
Thank you for your time.
Notes
A revised version wouldn't be much different. That Jon's transformation was caused by a spell might be mentioned earlier. Maybe this should be a graphic novel.
Evil Editor would suggest leaving out the part about Jon and his buddies hungering for human flesh, but he supposes that if an author insists on an army of super-powered cannibals, he has an obligation to prepare his agent in advance.
Twenty Palaces
1. Travel Guide to the 20 most visited palaces in the world, including The Palace at Versailles, Buckingham Palace, and the Bombay Palace Indian Restaurant in Philadelphia.
2. Before he can fulfill his quest, crafty barbarian Salmagundi must discover which prince owns the zebra, and which drinks water. When a pretty pickpocket tells him that the prince of the purple palace grows roses and owns a fox, he realizes he has an ally - or a spy.
3. Princess Millie, discontented at home, visits the palaces of the neighboring 19 kingdoms, discovers how each royal family lives, and learns the lesson that home is best. Later, King Billy and Queen Tilly try to convince Princess Millie that a little apartment of her own would be even better.
4. A reporter sets out to discover what Saddam spent all that oil money on, if it wasn't WMDs.
5. A walking tour of Tower Road in Beverly Hills, with photos of the homes of such stars as Jay Leno, George Hamilton, and Jack Lemmon.
6. The Twenty Palace Society, an organization of ruthless vigilante sorcerers, is out to kill Jon, a recently cured paraplegic whose recovery spells danger.
Original Version
Dear Query Reader,
I am seeking representation for my novel, a 93,000-word urban fantasy called Twenty Palaces.
When Raymond Lilly was 13-years-old, he found a loaded gun. Minutes later, his best friend, Jon, was a paraplegic and Ray knew he'd done a wrong he could never set right.
Now, fifteen years later, Jon has been miraculously cured.
As the public furor surrounding this mysterious recovery grows--Jon is the target of a fraud investigation, he's hounded by journalists, and terminally ill people have camped out on his lawn hoping to share his cure--Ray discovers that his friend is also being hunted. [By some fairly inept hunters, apparently, as they can't seem to catch a guy who can't walk.] The Twenty Palace Society, an organization of ruthless vigilante sorcerers, [Just when you think you're reading a query for another depressing, heart-rending, mind-numbing literary fiction tome, up jump a team of ruthless vigilante sorcerers.] believe Jon's cure is dangerous. They intend to destroy him [ Some people just can't win. Fifteen years in a wheelchair, you miraculously get cured, and before you take your first step, you're being hunted by ruthless vigilante sorcerers.] and they don't care who they have to hurt to do it. [Which explains why they call themselves ruthless vigilante sorcerers.]
Driven by his need to repay his friend for the injury he caused, Ray does his best to protect Jon from the vigilantes. [Vigilantes? No, no, they're not just vigilantes, they're Ruthless Vigilante Sorcerers.] [Evil Editor could type the phrase "ruthless vigilante sorcerers" all day.] [Maybe that should be the title of the book.] He steals a book of spells from one of them and uses it, and their mutual dislike of each other, to trick them into turning on each other. [Nothing is more satisfying than turning the tables on ruthless vigilante sorcerers.]
But while Ray drives the members of the society toward a violent confrontation with each other, Jon begins to display inhuman strength and speed... and a hunger that can only be satisfied with human flesh. [Whoa, this gets better all the time. Evil Editor would like to suggest an even better title: Ruthless Vigilante Sorcerers Versus SuperCannibal.] Furthermore, Jon has already shared his "healing" spell with others, creating more just like him. [More super-powered cannibals? Do they all have the same super powers, or is it more like a Justice League of Super Cannibals, with SuperCannibal, Biteman, Anthropophagus, Maneater, Lectero, etc.?]
Ray quickly realizes the vigilantes were right about Jon's cure. [Don't you just hate it when ruthless vigilante sorcerers turn out to be right, and you turn out to be wrong?] Can he find the source of the spell and undo it without killing his friend? Can he save the life and humanity of the one person who means more to him than anyone else, even if it means taking away the use of his legs a second time? [No. One guy has no chance against the Justice League of Super Cannibals; however, if Ray teams up with the Ruthless Vigilante Sorcerers, there's hope for the world.]
I have sold three stories to Black Gate magazine, most recently "Soldiers of a Dying God," which will come out in their tenth issue this summer. I have also sold a story to On Spec.
Thank you for your time.
Notes
A revised version wouldn't be much different. That Jon's transformation was caused by a spell might be mentioned earlier. Maybe this should be a graphic novel.
Evil Editor would suggest leaving out the part about Jon and his buddies hungering for human flesh, but he supposes that if an author insists on an army of super-powered cannibals, he has an obligation to prepare his agent in advance.
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Q & A 23 Come on, WHO'S NEXT?!!
Can those waiting in line get a number like the deli or DMV to know when they might be up to bat? This uncertainty pisses me off.
Goodness. Evil Editor has been at this about a month. He would be interested in knowing how many of the agents and editors you query, and who don't respond within a month, receive a followup letter from you, stating that you are pissed off. And how many of them you ever hear from again after that.
If Evil Editor wanted to check on your query letter, he couldn't, as you have signed your comment "anonymous," and have failed to name the book. Of course, if you had named the book, and Evil Editor had suddenly gotten to yours, he would then be deluged with comments from everyone saying how pissed off they are.
You seem to be under the impression that Evil Editor writes each blog entry for the entertainmment of the query writer alone. The truth is, he writes each blog entry for the entertainment of himself alone. Along with, of course, those who have the ability to apply the lessons of other writers' critiques to their own query letters.
Face-Lift 39
Guess the Plot
The Midnight Diaries
1. Prostitutes write entries in a shared journal each night in a coffee shop. Shockingly, the book falls into the wrong hands.
2. Two kids venture out every midnight to solve crime and help their mom get elected mayor, aided by GPS technology.
3. A vampire shares the angst of eternal teenagehood (and that pimple that won’t go away) in her stack of 2351 diaries.
4. With Angela's supply of carrots dwindling, night blindness threatens to destroy her only defense against clinical depression: journaling in secret after dark.
5. When Manhattan prostitute Brandy's diary vanishes, all her clients are suspects, including the entire roster of the New York Jets.
6. Dear Diary: Lover #51. Thirteen minutes. Missionary. Excellent use of toes! Distracting mole on shoulder. Will see if his twin has one tomorrow.
Original Version
Attn: Agent's Name
What do a brother and sister do when they sneak out of the house at midnight [Let's put it this way, they're not collecting for UNICEF.] [My guess: they're making a heroin buy.] [Which would be better than my second guess.] and unwittingly witness the planning of a crime? [Unwittingly, meaning they didn't know they were witnessing it?] Solve it, of course! [If they saw it being planned, they've already solved it, assuming solving it means figuring out whodunnit.] But for these kids, there’s a twist: They still have to help Mom get elected mayor, and the election is less than a week away. [What's the "twist" part? Are the election and the crime related?] Fortunately, they’re clever enough to thwart the guilty parties, save a classmate [From what?] and ultimately help Mom win. [You could have given a spoiler alert, you know.]
The Midnight Diaries is a 40,000-word middle grade novel featuring humor, mystery and adventure. Twelve-year-old Ricky narrates the story [and writes it all in a diary?] as he closely studies every move of his 15-year-old superstition-starved sister [Let's see, love-starved means not getting love, so superstition-starved means . . . not getting superstition? Or what?] Rory (Aurora when she’s in trouble). The novel takes place over six sweltering days in April, climaxing on Election Day when the protagonists use their wits to overcome both long odds and a well-connected adversary: the current mayor. The heart of the mystery surrounds [The heart of something tends to be at the center, surrounded by something, not surrounding something.] a Global Positioning System (GPS) bracelet all kids must wear to school. [Obviously the kids slipped the GPS bracelet onto the mayor, hacked into the GPS data center, and tracked the mayor's movements the night before the election. When police investigating a killing spree (eleven teenaged girls hacked to death with a machete) have no leads, Rory and Ricky turn up with proof that the mayor was at the site of every murder. He confesses to all eleven murders. And still garners 47% of the votes.] [Oops, Evil Editor should have given a spoiler alert.]
I’ve had two short stories published and have a series of 12 half-hour, live-action DVD comedies (“Space Scouts”) aimed at a YA audience and due for a fall 2006 release. I have written scripts for eight other live-action videos produced for elementary schools.
May I submit The Midnight Diaries or sample chapters for your consideration?
Sincerely,
Revised Version
Attn: Agent's Name
What do a brother and sister do when they sneak out of the house at midnight and witness the planning of a crime? Prevent it, of course! But do they have time for crime fighting, when they also must help Mom get elected mayor? And when the election is less than a week away?
The Midnight Diaries is a 40,000-word middle-grade novel featuring humor, mystery and adventure. Twelve-year-old Ricky chronicles the story in his diary, as he and his fifteen-year-old sister Rory ("Aurora" when she's in Mom's doghouse) become amateur sleuths. The novel climaxes on Election Day when the kids use their wits--and a GPS bracelet all kids must wear to school--to battle long odds and a well-connected adversary: the current mayor. Fortunately, they’re clever enough to thwart the guilty parties, save a classmate from being devoured by sharks, and ultimately help Mom win.
I’ve written a series of 12 half-hour, live-action DVD comedies (“Space Scouts”) aimed at a YA audience and due for a fall 2006 release. I have also written scripts for eight other live-action videos produced for elementary schools.
May I submit The Midnight Diaries or sample chapters for your consideration?
Sincerely,
Notes
Evil Editor isn't sure what information should be added, because he doesn't know the answers to so many questions. What is the crime? Is working on a political campaign the kids' punishment for sneaking out after midnight? What was their real reason for sneaking out? Who are the guilty parties? Is the mayor involved? Is the mayor's name Quimby? Whom do they save, from what, and is it a minor subplot, or vitally important? Is the book in diary form? What boy keeps a diary? Why didn't the mayor take out "Mom" during his killing spree? Some of these answers could be worked in without adding much length.
The Midnight Diaries
1. Prostitutes write entries in a shared journal each night in a coffee shop. Shockingly, the book falls into the wrong hands.
2. Two kids venture out every midnight to solve crime and help their mom get elected mayor, aided by GPS technology.
3. A vampire shares the angst of eternal teenagehood (and that pimple that won’t go away) in her stack of 2351 diaries.
4. With Angela's supply of carrots dwindling, night blindness threatens to destroy her only defense against clinical depression: journaling in secret after dark.
5. When Manhattan prostitute Brandy's diary vanishes, all her clients are suspects, including the entire roster of the New York Jets.
6. Dear Diary: Lover #51. Thirteen minutes. Missionary. Excellent use of toes! Distracting mole on shoulder. Will see if his twin has one tomorrow.
Original Version
Attn: Agent's Name
What do a brother and sister do when they sneak out of the house at midnight [Let's put it this way, they're not collecting for UNICEF.] [My guess: they're making a heroin buy.] [Which would be better than my second guess.] and unwittingly witness the planning of a crime? [Unwittingly, meaning they didn't know they were witnessing it?] Solve it, of course! [If they saw it being planned, they've already solved it, assuming solving it means figuring out whodunnit.] But for these kids, there’s a twist: They still have to help Mom get elected mayor, and the election is less than a week away. [What's the "twist" part? Are the election and the crime related?] Fortunately, they’re clever enough to thwart the guilty parties, save a classmate [From what?] and ultimately help Mom win. [You could have given a spoiler alert, you know.]
The Midnight Diaries is a 40,000-word middle grade novel featuring humor, mystery and adventure. Twelve-year-old Ricky narrates the story [and writes it all in a diary?] as he closely studies every move of his 15-year-old superstition-starved sister [Let's see, love-starved means not getting love, so superstition-starved means . . . not getting superstition? Or what?] Rory (Aurora when she’s in trouble). The novel takes place over six sweltering days in April, climaxing on Election Day when the protagonists use their wits to overcome both long odds and a well-connected adversary: the current mayor. The heart of the mystery surrounds [The heart of something tends to be at the center, surrounded by something, not surrounding something.] a Global Positioning System (GPS) bracelet all kids must wear to school. [Obviously the kids slipped the GPS bracelet onto the mayor, hacked into the GPS data center, and tracked the mayor's movements the night before the election. When police investigating a killing spree (eleven teenaged girls hacked to death with a machete) have no leads, Rory and Ricky turn up with proof that the mayor was at the site of every murder. He confesses to all eleven murders. And still garners 47% of the votes.] [Oops, Evil Editor should have given a spoiler alert.]
I’ve had two short stories published and have a series of 12 half-hour, live-action DVD comedies (“Space Scouts”) aimed at a YA audience and due for a fall 2006 release. I have written scripts for eight other live-action videos produced for elementary schools.
May I submit The Midnight Diaries or sample chapters for your consideration?
Sincerely,
Revised Version
Attn: Agent's Name
What do a brother and sister do when they sneak out of the house at midnight and witness the planning of a crime? Prevent it, of course! But do they have time for crime fighting, when they also must help Mom get elected mayor? And when the election is less than a week away?
The Midnight Diaries is a 40,000-word middle-grade novel featuring humor, mystery and adventure. Twelve-year-old Ricky chronicles the story in his diary, as he and his fifteen-year-old sister Rory ("Aurora" when she's in Mom's doghouse) become amateur sleuths. The novel climaxes on Election Day when the kids use their wits--and a GPS bracelet all kids must wear to school--to battle long odds and a well-connected adversary: the current mayor. Fortunately, they’re clever enough to thwart the guilty parties, save a classmate from being devoured by sharks, and ultimately help Mom win.
I’ve written a series of 12 half-hour, live-action DVD comedies (“Space Scouts”) aimed at a YA audience and due for a fall 2006 release. I have also written scripts for eight other live-action videos produced for elementary schools.
May I submit The Midnight Diaries or sample chapters for your consideration?
Sincerely,
Notes
Evil Editor isn't sure what information should be added, because he doesn't know the answers to so many questions. What is the crime? Is working on a political campaign the kids' punishment for sneaking out after midnight? What was their real reason for sneaking out? Who are the guilty parties? Is the mayor involved? Is the mayor's name Quimby? Whom do they save, from what, and is it a minor subplot, or vitally important? Is the book in diary form? What boy keeps a diary? Why didn't the mayor take out "Mom" during his killing spree? Some of these answers could be worked in without adding much length.
Mini-Contest 1 Ends
Evil Editor called upon his minions to suggest an improvement to the opening analogy in Face-Lift XXXVIII. (Seven letters to say "38"? No wonder Rome crumbled . . . Of course, I won't be complaining when I do number M.)
The original analogy was "western North Carolina, a region where religion and nature are as interlocked as tobacco and paper."
The most useful suggestions, perhaps, were to eliminate the analogy altogether and/or change the word "interlocked:"
"where religion and nature are inextricably intertwined."
"where religion and nature are as central to the culture as tobacco and paper."
This one also might be useful:
"where religion and nature are as interlocked as fingers clasped in desperate prayer."
Fortunately, most of the minions did not take the "usefulness" route. Because there were about 40 suggestions, a list that becomes dull eventually, Evil Editor has narrowed the field to eight:
Western North Carolina, a place where religion and nature are as interlocked . . .
. . . as tobacco and firearms.
. . . as nude greco-roman wrestlers.
. . . as a stud and a bitch in heat.
. . . as the braces of two teens.
. . . as Siegfried and Roy.
. . . as cigarettes and cancer.
. . . as a swimsuit model and her thong.
. . . as Miss Snark and the Gin Pail.
Hey, it's a holiday weekend, lets try this again. Evil Editor has looked through the query letters in his queue, and found another writer in need of an analogy:
"She didn’t plan on second-guessing everything her husband did, and spilling tears like an annoying drippy faucet, but . . . "
We need something better than "an annoying drippy faucet." As usual, suggestions will be collected, and the better ones posted as a group.
The original analogy was "western North Carolina, a region where religion and nature are as interlocked as tobacco and paper."
The most useful suggestions, perhaps, were to eliminate the analogy altogether and/or change the word "interlocked:"
"where religion and nature are inextricably intertwined."
"where religion and nature are as central to the culture as tobacco and paper."
This one also might be useful:
"where religion and nature are as interlocked as fingers clasped in desperate prayer."
Fortunately, most of the minions did not take the "usefulness" route. Because there were about 40 suggestions, a list that becomes dull eventually, Evil Editor has narrowed the field to eight:
Western North Carolina, a place where religion and nature are as interlocked . . .
. . . as tobacco and firearms.
. . . as nude greco-roman wrestlers.
. . . as a stud and a bitch in heat.
. . . as the braces of two teens.
. . . as Siegfried and Roy.
. . . as cigarettes and cancer.
. . . as a swimsuit model and her thong.
. . . as Miss Snark and the Gin Pail.
Hey, it's a holiday weekend, lets try this again. Evil Editor has looked through the query letters in his queue, and found another writer in need of an analogy:
"She didn’t plan on second-guessing everything her husband did, and spilling tears like an annoying drippy faucet, but . . . "
We need something better than "an annoying drippy faucet." As usual, suggestions will be collected, and the better ones posted as a group.
Saturday, May 27, 2006
Face-Lift 38
Guess the Plot
Canaan Mountain
1. Rapper T-Rex moved to remote country where he thought the few residents were too caught up in their own eccentricities to notice him. He thought wrong.
2. A city girl gives up her publishing career and moves to the mountains of Tennessee to live with a hillbilly she met in an online chat room.
3. No one has ever come back alive from Canaan Mountain. Is The Creature in the Cave responsible? Or is that merely legend? Big Tom aims to find out once and for all tonight.
4. It was once known as Canaan Valley, second to Death Valley as the lowest spot on the continent. Then it was turned into a landfill. Now it's second to Mount McKinley.
5. Strip miners set up shop to ravage Canaan Mountain, but the tables are turned when it proves to be a live volcano.
6. Ghosts from the Civil War haunt the Canaan Mountain Retirement Center. And they want vengeance.
Original Version
Dear Evil Editor:
Canaan Mountain Retirement Center lays nestled in the hills of western North Carolina, a region where religion and nature are as interlocked as tobacco and paper. [Evil Editor is not crazy about this analogy. Some tobacco is wrapped in paper, true, but are they interlocked? One is rolled up inside the other, like sausage in a membrane. Of course it would be rather cumbersome to say, Religion and nature are as interlocked as two adjacent pieces of a completed jigsaw puzzle. Fortunately, the Evil Minions are nothing if not creative, so Evil Editor is giving them a limited time to submit conclusions to the phrase, "Where religion and nature are as interlocked as . . . " Evil Editor will gather the better ones into one post, so we all don't have to read 30 comments in search of the wittiest analogy. Of course this means there can't be a revised version, but at least we should end up with a better first sentence, which is three fourths of the battle.] In this setting, a group of characters meet and find a battle between good and evil still exists. Each of these characters finds themselves on their own personal journey.
Jack Heydon yearns to find his family. Chandler Heydon wants to find himself. Parker Heydon is trying to find his grandfather. [Are you sure this is a retirement center, and not a hedge maze?] [I think I can help Jack with his quest to find his family: Chandler and Parker, maybe? Hello?] Adam Cobalt looks to satisfy his greed. Ghosts from the Civil War haunt the center and they are looking for vengeance. [Shouldn't they be haunting a retirement center in the North if they want vengeance? Assuming there are any 160-year-old Yankee Civil War veterans to haunt.] [Wait, they could haunt the New York Yankees! No, seriously, Evil Editor is on to something here. Southern zombie Civil War vets want revenge against the Yankees, and discover the only Yankees left are the Bronx Bombers. This could be hilarious.] [If one of the Evil Minions decides to write this novel, Evil Editor wants an acknowledgment in the book, and half the take on the film rights.]
Jack, who cannot walk or speak, knows something is wrong. [For one thing, he cannot walk or speak.] The problem lies within the mind of Adam, a nursing home worker slowly turning mad as the demons from the Civil War haunt him. [Slowly turning mad? Let's face it, he's long gone.] Fifteen-year-old Parker is the only other person who knows something is wrong and who can save his grandfather. [Save his grandfather? You said he couldn't even find his grandfather.] He enlists the help of a handicapped friend. The two boys save Jack. [From what?]
But there is a cost.
I am a writer living in Chattanooga, Tenn. and have currently finished writing a novel called Canaan Mountain. The novel is part horror, part suspense and part thriller. It is a little more than 85,000 words long. I am a newspaper reporter, by trade. In June, I will be published in the online dark fiction magazine Dark Reveries. I have published short stories in the online fiction magazines The Dead Mule: School of Southern Literature and The Half Drunk Muse. [Credits can be helpful, even when an editor has never heard of them, as long as they have impressive-sounding names. The Dead Mule and The Half-Drunk Muse, might be better left out.] I have been named a poet of the week on Poetry Super Highway. The strength in my writing lies in interesting characters and a strong story driven by suspense and plot. Even though I'm a horror writer, gore and blood are secondary. The story and the characters drive my writing. I am currently working on a second novel [in which Greek nursing home residents are attacked by dead Pelopponesian War soldiers.]
I look forward to speaking to you further about my novel. I can be reached at (insert e-mail address) or you can call me at (insert phone number). [Or you may return the enclosed SASE (insert form rejection slip.)]
Sincerely,
Notes
This hedge maze looks cool.
Friday, May 26, 2006
Face-Lift 37
Guess the Plot
Rain Coming
1. In the ancient land of Krjaksja, there is a myth of a thing called Rain – when water comes from the sky, instead of the big river across the desert. An intrepid explorer sets out to debunk the myth.
2. Not a drop of rain has fallen at Stony Grange in 10,000 years. When Brad and Diane take each other's virginity in the middle of the rock, they release a curse that could destroy the world.
3. When Cathleen takes a job at a bar called Centerfolds, she has a premonition that something big is about to happen - but her expectations don’t include meeting Bubba Mac.
4. Any one of Rain Penumbra's used-up lovers could have told you that she was a passionate woman, and that she needed her own space--or an apartment with soundproofed walls.
5. Waiting out the monsoons in a run-down tropical resort, a motley group of travelers decide not to tell each other their stories, but to listen to their ipods and do crossword puzzles instead.
6. When down-and-out flower-child Rain washed up in the desert town of Scapegoat, she was surprised by how friendly the locals were. She didn't know that her arrival portended the end of Scapegoat's drought and the beginning of prosperity--after her heart's blood was sprinkled on the withered fields, of course.
Original Version
Dear Agent of My Dreams (that would be Ms. Snark, at her office, the proper way):
Into each life some rain must fall. [Interesting. Apparently Henry Wadsworth Longfellow is querying Evil Editor from beyond the grave.] United by destiny, torn apart by tragedy, a group of former friends resists the reunion hoped for by one of their own who comes looking for answers, and finds unexpected miracles. [You lost me already. Let's start over.] Truth is stranger than fiction [Now a Mark Twain quote? Clearly this is from a literature major.] in Rain Coming, a story of love, loss and the unbreakable bonds of friendship, played out against a backdrop of sex, drugs and rock & roll. [Ian Dury and the Blockheads. If this is a game of Identify that Quote, you'll have to do better than this to stump Evil Editor.]
Cathleen Carrington is a refugee from a dysfunctional family. When she’s offered a job at a bar called Centerfolds, she has a premonition that something big is about to happen - but her expectations don’t include meeting Bubba Mac. [No one in history ever had expectations of meeting someone named Bubba Mac.] Brutally handsome, charming to a fault, he’s the Pied Piper of the group: [The one who leads the rats out of town? The one who steals all the children?] the one all the women want to sleep with, and all the men claim as their best friend [while secretly also wanting to sleep with him.] [Different Pied Piper, obviously.]
As Cat is drawn in by the near-magical group of friends who frequent Centerfolds, she plunges into a steamy relationship with Bubba – until a devious trick played by a rival for his attention forces her to leave Memphis and cut herself off from the friends who have become her family. [Something that forces a woman to leave her home and abandon her family of friends sounds a lot worse than a "devious trick."] When she realizes she must return home to win Bubba’s heart, she calls to announce her decision – only to find out there’s been a fatal accident that has driven the friends apart and scattered them to the winds. [Bubba Mac's pickup truck blew up when it ran into Billy Bob's still.]
With her world shattered, Cat picks up the pieces and moves on, eventually settling in Colorado; but the past refuses to be laid to rest. Twenty years later, [in my sequel, Rain Gone,] [The past was happy to be laid to rest for twenty years; now, like a zombie, it's back.] she must return to Memphis, where she receives messages that are unmistakably from beyond the grave; [Maybe they're from Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.] [Wait, they're from Henry Wadsworth Longfellow's zombie!] [I hope Longfellow liked the name Henry, because going by his middle name was not an option.] and one by one, long-buried secrets, betrayals and esoteric mysteries are revealed as she struggles to reunite the friends in this paranormal tale of love and redemption that will leave you wondering what is real? [Evil Editor has received entire query letters that were shorter than that one sentence.]
I have been a daily columnist for the Vail Daily and Summit Daily newspapers in Colorado, recently sold two ghost stories to Firefox News, and have been both student and tutor of metaphysics for more than twenty-five years.
Rain Coming is character-driven, and complete at 155,000 words. Should this story interest you, I have included an SASE for your response. If not, please save a tree. Thank you for your consideration.
Revised Version
Dear Agent of My Dreams:
I am seeking representation for my novel, Rain Coming, a character-driven story of love, loss and the unbreakable bonds of friendship.
Cathleen Carrington is a refugee from a dysfunctional family. When she’s offered a job at a Memphis bar called Centerfolds, she has a premonition that something big is about to happen - but her expectations don’t include meeting Bubba Mac. Brutally handsome, charming to a fault, he’s the man all the women at Centerfolds want to sleep with, and all the men claim as their best friend.
As Cat is drawn in by the near-magical group of friends who frequent Centerfolds, she plunges into a steamy relationship with Bubba – until malicious rumors spread by a rival for his attention force her to leave Memphis and cut herself off from the friends who have become her family. When she decides to return home to win Bubba’s heart, she phones ahead – only to learn that a fatal accident has driven the friends apart and scattered them to the winds.
Her world shattered, Cat picks up the pieces and moves on, eventually settling in Colorado. But the past refuses to be laid to rest. Twenty years later, back in Memphis, she receives messages that are unmistakably from beyond the grave; and one by one, long-buried secrets, bitter betrayals and arcane mysteries are brought to light.
Rain Coming is a paranormal tale of love and redemption, complete at 150,000 words. I have included an SASE for your response. The manuscript may be recycled. Thank you for your consideration.
Notes
Do the paranormal aspects appear throughout the book, or is it just the messages from beyond? It would be unacceptably jarring for a paranormal book to contain nothing paranormal for 500 pages, then suddenly zombies appear.
It was too long. For that matter, 155,000 words is a long book. Without even seeing it, Evil Editor feels confident it can be cut significantly. Heck, I managed to cut it to 150,000 in the last paragraph, just by lying.
Face-Lift 36
Guess the Plot
The Space Between
1. An Oakland detective and her estranged husband, a state Fish and Game biologist, team up to prevent the poisoning of the San Francisco reservoirs.
2. The first manned expedition to Alpha Centauri knew they would face unimaginable challenges when they landed in another galaxy. What they weren't prepared for was the perils that they had to overcome in the space between.
3. This user-friendly introduction to sketching explains the principle of negative space: drawing what isn't there, rather than what is.
4. Simon struggles to overcome the chilling effect of his unemotional upbringing, and learn to bridge the space between himself and others with the help of his high-school drama teacher and classmates.
5. Stranded on a desert island with two men, Margaret must choose between them; the bad news: one is an actor and the other is a car salesman.
6. Emily thought it was bad when she lived in Florida and Chuck lived in California; now Chuck's on the first manned flight to Mars.
Original Version
Dear Ms. Agent,
There is no hard and fast rule dictating that one must know everything about relationships by the age of fifty. We all learn, change and grow until the day we die. Sometimes we get a second chance to find happiness. Sometimes we feel that it’s wrong to accept such a gift. [Sometimes we can be such morons.]
Margaret and Jeff mark their twenty-fifth anniversary with a once in a lifetime trip to New Zealand. Their marriage had become overshadowed by jealousy and mistrust, and Margaret hopes that this journey will revive their sinking marriage. [Jeff, on the other hand, is hoping for the opportunity to push Margaret into the fires of Mount Doom.] Her hopes come to a crashing halt when the aircraft encounters a violent storm and is wrecked in the South Pacific. [Sinking marriage? Crashing halt? Let Evil Editor do the jokes, please.] [Okay, it's either Lost, Cast Away, Survivor, or Gilligan's Island.]
Margaret’s husband Jeff perishes beneath the waves with the other passengers. [It's Cast Away.] She is left alone with [two volleyballs that she fantasizes are] David, a mature actor, and Mitch, a car salesman who attempts to seduce her. [On a floating piece of aircraft wreckage.] [Your jet crashes into the ocean, and immediately you start putting the moves on the only female survivor? Unbelieva-- Oh he's a car salesman. Never mind.] She resists Mitch’s violent advances, and David is forced to defend her, resulting in Mitch’s disappearance. [Sharks got him. If only they'd crashed somewhere near an island.] [Evil editor would buy the book, just to see a car salesman get eaten by sharks.]
Margaret’s world with Jeff had faded to black and white, but the first blush of colour returns as she and David meet the challenges of survival. [The first of which is to find an island before they drown.] Their new world is brutal, but they have opportunities to discover its beauty as well. [For instance, they see some very colorful tropical fish every time they go under.]
Their experience naturally pulls them together, but they resist. David is convinced that he is competing with Jeff’s ghost. He also feels the guilt of being attracted to another woman, imagining that his young second wife is frantic with worry in Los Angeles and ignoring the fact that she had been slipping away from him for some time. [Worst of all, his arms are getting really tired from treading water.] Margaret, while still emerging from her unhappy marriage, rediscovers her own dormant sensuality but refuses to be a catalyst to end another relationship, flawed or not.
They are rescued [by Captain Nemo,] [by Little Nemo,] [by Jeff Probst,] [by three dolphins and a sea tortoise under the control of Prince Namor, the Sub-Mariner,] and return to their respective homes, feeling the shadow of their own failed relationships. They attempt to resume their former lives, but they discover that their shared experience has changed them both. [They're both now madly in love. With Jeff Probst.]
It takes an island to begin their journey, [What?! There was an island?] but it takes the efforts of loving friends and family at home to finish it. [Finish it how? Do they get together?]
The Space Between, my first novel of approximately 53,000 words, is a contemporary romance, and may suit Mills & Boone's revamped Harlequin Romance line, but it is up to you to determine its suitability. Upon further inspection you may find that it is not only a romance. It touches on subjects like self esteem, body image, the approach of middle age, independence and spousal issues.
I hope that this brief [Brief?!!] description of my work will encourage you to request a further sample of my writing. I thank you for your time, and look forward to hearing from you. This is a multiple submission.
Revised Version
Dear Ms. Agent,
Sometimes we get a second chance to find happiness. And sometimes we foolishly pass up this gift.
Margaret and Jeff mark their twenty-fifth anniversary with a trip to New Zealand. Margaret hopes that this journey will revive their marriage, burdened of late by jealousy and mistrust. Her hopes come to a crashing halt when the aircraft encounters a violent storm and is wrecked near a South Pacific island.
Margaret’s husband Jeff perishes beneath the waves with most of the other passengers. She is left alone with David, another survivor. As she and David meet the challenges of survival, their experience naturally pulls them together, but David feels guilt, imagining that his wife, who had been slipping away from him, is frantic with worry. Margaret rediscovers her own dormant sensuality but refuses to be a catalyst to end another relationship, flawed or not.
Eventually they are rescued and return to their homes, feeling the shadow of their own failed relationships. As they resume their former lives, they discover that their shared experience has changed them both. So David dumps his wife and takes Margaret to New Zealand where they live happily ever after.
The Space Between is a 53,000-word contemporary romance that touches on issues of self-esteem, body image, independence, and the approach of middle age. I hope that this brief description of my work will encourage you to request a further sample of my writing. Thank you.
Notes
As the car salesman disappears anyway, Evil Editor removed him from the query. His seduction attempt was a bit jarring, considering the circumstances.
Does anything happen between them on the island? Does anything happen between them after they get back? Is there any romance in this romance? It wasn't clear.
The Space Between
1. An Oakland detective and her estranged husband, a state Fish and Game biologist, team up to prevent the poisoning of the San Francisco reservoirs.
2. The first manned expedition to Alpha Centauri knew they would face unimaginable challenges when they landed in another galaxy. What they weren't prepared for was the perils that they had to overcome in the space between.
3. This user-friendly introduction to sketching explains the principle of negative space: drawing what isn't there, rather than what is.
4. Simon struggles to overcome the chilling effect of his unemotional upbringing, and learn to bridge the space between himself and others with the help of his high-school drama teacher and classmates.
5. Stranded on a desert island with two men, Margaret must choose between them; the bad news: one is an actor and the other is a car salesman.
6. Emily thought it was bad when she lived in Florida and Chuck lived in California; now Chuck's on the first manned flight to Mars.
Original Version
Dear Ms. Agent,
There is no hard and fast rule dictating that one must know everything about relationships by the age of fifty. We all learn, change and grow until the day we die. Sometimes we get a second chance to find happiness. Sometimes we feel that it’s wrong to accept such a gift. [Sometimes we can be such morons.]
Margaret and Jeff mark their twenty-fifth anniversary with a once in a lifetime trip to New Zealand. Their marriage had become overshadowed by jealousy and mistrust, and Margaret hopes that this journey will revive their sinking marriage. [Jeff, on the other hand, is hoping for the opportunity to push Margaret into the fires of Mount Doom.] Her hopes come to a crashing halt when the aircraft encounters a violent storm and is wrecked in the South Pacific. [Sinking marriage? Crashing halt? Let Evil Editor do the jokes, please.] [Okay, it's either Lost, Cast Away, Survivor, or Gilligan's Island.]
Margaret’s husband Jeff perishes beneath the waves with the other passengers. [It's Cast Away.] She is left alone with [two volleyballs that she fantasizes are] David, a mature actor, and Mitch, a car salesman who attempts to seduce her. [On a floating piece of aircraft wreckage.] [Your jet crashes into the ocean, and immediately you start putting the moves on the only female survivor? Unbelieva-- Oh he's a car salesman. Never mind.] She resists Mitch’s violent advances, and David is forced to defend her, resulting in Mitch’s disappearance. [Sharks got him. If only they'd crashed somewhere near an island.] [Evil editor would buy the book, just to see a car salesman get eaten by sharks.]
Margaret’s world with Jeff had faded to black and white, but the first blush of colour returns as she and David meet the challenges of survival. [The first of which is to find an island before they drown.] Their new world is brutal, but they have opportunities to discover its beauty as well. [For instance, they see some very colorful tropical fish every time they go under.]
Their experience naturally pulls them together, but they resist. David is convinced that he is competing with Jeff’s ghost. He also feels the guilt of being attracted to another woman, imagining that his young second wife is frantic with worry in Los Angeles and ignoring the fact that she had been slipping away from him for some time. [Worst of all, his arms are getting really tired from treading water.] Margaret, while still emerging from her unhappy marriage, rediscovers her own dormant sensuality but refuses to be a catalyst to end another relationship, flawed or not.
They are rescued [by Captain Nemo,] [by Little Nemo,] [by Jeff Probst,] [by three dolphins and a sea tortoise under the control of Prince Namor, the Sub-Mariner,] and return to their respective homes, feeling the shadow of their own failed relationships. They attempt to resume their former lives, but they discover that their shared experience has changed them both. [They're both now madly in love. With Jeff Probst.]
It takes an island to begin their journey, [What?! There was an island?] but it takes the efforts of loving friends and family at home to finish it. [Finish it how? Do they get together?]
The Space Between, my first novel of approximately 53,000 words, is a contemporary romance, and may suit Mills & Boone's revamped Harlequin Romance line, but it is up to you to determine its suitability. Upon further inspection you may find that it is not only a romance. It touches on subjects like self esteem, body image, the approach of middle age, independence and spousal issues.
I hope that this brief [Brief?!!] description of my work will encourage you to request a further sample of my writing. I thank you for your time, and look forward to hearing from you. This is a multiple submission.
Revised Version
Dear Ms. Agent,
Sometimes we get a second chance to find happiness. And sometimes we foolishly pass up this gift.
Margaret and Jeff mark their twenty-fifth anniversary with a trip to New Zealand. Margaret hopes that this journey will revive their marriage, burdened of late by jealousy and mistrust. Her hopes come to a crashing halt when the aircraft encounters a violent storm and is wrecked near a South Pacific island.
Margaret’s husband Jeff perishes beneath the waves with most of the other passengers. She is left alone with David, another survivor. As she and David meet the challenges of survival, their experience naturally pulls them together, but David feels guilt, imagining that his wife, who had been slipping away from him, is frantic with worry. Margaret rediscovers her own dormant sensuality but refuses to be a catalyst to end another relationship, flawed or not.
Eventually they are rescued and return to their homes, feeling the shadow of their own failed relationships. As they resume their former lives, they discover that their shared experience has changed them both. So David dumps his wife and takes Margaret to New Zealand where they live happily ever after.
The Space Between is a 53,000-word contemporary romance that touches on issues of self-esteem, body image, independence, and the approach of middle age. I hope that this brief description of my work will encourage you to request a further sample of my writing. Thank you.
Notes
As the car salesman disappears anyway, Evil Editor removed him from the query. His seduction attempt was a bit jarring, considering the circumstances.
Does anything happen between them on the island? Does anything happen between them after they get back? Is there any romance in this romance? It wasn't clear.
Q & A 22 Which agent to target?
We've been told to read your favorite books, your favorite authors, ones who write similar stories with similar tones and see who their agent/editors are because they are who you should be targetting.
Your tone, of course, should be your tone, not an homage to Gene Wolfe or Jennifer Crusie. But once you've completed your book, if the tone reminds you of GW or JC, by all means target their editors or agents. Just don't tell them that's why they're being targeted. Because not only is there a good chance the editor/agent will disagree with your evaluation of the tone, there's a good chance he'll be right. If you're the second coming of Laurell K. Hamilton, let her editor take the credit for discovering this. Don't ram it down her throat, only to have her . . .
1. Discard your manuscript without even looking at it because it's the 12th advertised second coming of LKH she's picked up this morning.
2. Discard your manuscript after one page for no other reason than the fact that it doesn't remind her of LKH.
3. Pass your manuscript around the office with a post-it note reading, Guess who this one thinks she writes like. I need a vacation.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Q & A 21 Do queries really matter?
Hi Evil Editor. I noticed your tag line 'Why You Don't Get Published', and am wondering, Does perfecting query letters really have that much of an impact? It leads an agent to request your work... But so what? As Miss Snark often reminds us, it's the writing that counts.
It is the writing that counts. Now if there were only some way to convince you that the query letter is not music or sculpture or cake decoration, but writing.
So does concentrating on the query letter help anywhere near as much as, say, concentrating on the first few pages? Surely the first pages (included diligently with the letter) are much more of a deal breaker than queries.
No one's suggesting you write a great letter at the expense of your first pages. Everything you submit is an example of your writing ability. Why let any of it be swill? You should concentrate on everything.
I mean, what's the point of spending months tweaking and polishing a great query if you lose the editor before the fourth paragraph?
And what's the point of spending months tweaking and polishing the first pages if you lose the editor in the query letter? Furthermore, Months?! Evil Editor hasn't spent more than an hour tweaking any queries on this blog, and while they aren't all perfect, keep in mind that Evil Editor is working without having read any of the books. If you can put together a well-written book, you ought to be able to put together a well-written letter describing it. Conversely, you don't want the agent or editor thinking, She can't even put together a decent letter? Why should I expect that she can put together a good book?
Those who will benefit most from query critiques are those who write very well, but for some reason suck at writing queries. That's true. But those who boldly look beyond the query critique itself, to its lessons--organize your sentences and paragraphs logically, give specific information, focus on the important points--may find that those lessons apply to all of their writing.
Your query letter is your first impression. It's the clothes you wear to your job interview. And unless you're applying at Ringling Brothers, you're more likely to get the job wearing a business suit than you are wearing a clown outfit.
Face-Lift 35
Guess the Plot
Reality Bites
1. After seventeen years in the psych ward, Oscar is finally released. Two days later he's back, begging them to admit him.
2. A psychic FBI agent can't believe her visions: pschic vampires are running amok in Cleveland.
3. Gala Peterson thought it sounded like fun: joining the cast of a new reality show, to be filmed in the remote Pacific islands where pirates and cannibals had once ruled. But the last challenge for the tribes is a deadly one--eat or be eaten.
4. After a traumatic car accident, Joe discovers he can no longer view the world continuously. Instead, he sees life in separate 30-second pieces. Can a compassionate therapist help him put his life back into a narrative?
5. Vampire puberty sucks bad enough, but when it's Chance's time to Turn into a full-fledged vampire, he's drafted for the wildly popular reality television show Fang Time.
6. Space diva Reality Jones has too many assistants, too many lovers, and too many years left on her contract. With the help of a promising young cloning scientist, Reality is going to chuck it all and head for the isolated paradise planet of Yarnow.
Rather than include a revised version, which tends to be boring when not much is changed, Evil Editor has decided to cover two queries in this post. Also figuring in this decision, is the fact that the two books have the same plot.
Original Version 1
Dear Agent/Editor
Vlad the Impaler died centuries ago, but his cruelty lives on in a series of bizarre murders in Cleveland, Ohio where six people have been staked and bled dry. [It's a reverse vampire; it stakes its victims, and the only way to kill it is by biting its neck.] The only thing they have in common? Psychic abilities. [Sorry, but sensing that you're about to die, when you're locked in a room with a bloodthirsty vampire, does not make you psychic.] [Apparently there are so many psychics in Cleveland, even a vampire that drinks only the blood of psychics can get along just fine.]
Psychic FBI agent, Robin Lesange, [Is there anybody in this novel who isn't psychic?] is used to seeing to bloodspattered crime scenes play through her mind, but what's happening in Cleveland defies even her jaded experience. [For one thing, the blood spatters have all been licked.] For the first time, her clairvoyance shows her things that, not only shouldn't happen, but shouldn't exist either. [The second comma in that sentence, for instance, or the second word "to" in the previous sentence.]
Like vampires. [Them too.]
Nor is Robin the only one after the killer. Ambrose D'Avignon, a handsome, [psychic,] so-called 'vampire', [Having already said "so-called," no need to also use quotation marks--or even apostrophes.] claims the killer is a genetic mistake, a vampire that failed to evolve from drinking blood to feeding on human energy and must be destroyed. [Vampires who feed on human energy, however, don't need to be destroyed; all they do is turn people into couch potatoes.] He has been sent [by whom?] to make sure the killer quietly disappears, and isn't about to let Robin get in his way--though that doesn't keep him from trying to seduce her.
Ignoring Ambrose's advances, Robin continues her investigation expecting to find a more conventional answer than what her psychic skills have revealed. [Six victims with their blood completely drained, her psychic sense screaming, "IT'S A #$%&$# VAMPIRE, IDIOT," and she wants another answer? Like what? Someone's trying to make the world's biggest Bloody Mary in his hot tub, and misunderstood the recipe?] But when the killer starts to stalk her as his next victim [Evil Editor saw that coming a mile away.] just as Ambrose draws her deeper into his mythic reality, Robin has to face the fact that monsters do exist, and it's up to her to stop them...even if it means becoming one herself.
Complete at 80,000 words, REALITY BITES is a paranormal thriller with a strong romantic subplot. Per your guidelines, please find enclosed a synopsis and the first three chapters.
I have always enjoyed STORIES by X and wrote REALITY BITES with that readership [Myself.] in mind. Knowing you represent X, I thought you might find my manuscript of interest. [Actually, if I'm looking for a book that will be enjoyed by readers of X, and I happen to represent X, I think I'll start by checking in with X to see what she's working on. But you can be Plan Y.] Thank you for your time and consideration.
Regards,
Original Version 2 (Relentless Dawn)
Dear Ms. Editor so-and-so:
Thank you for meeting with me at the (local RWA chapter) retreat at (location). I enjoyed our [(fawning adjective)] discussion of my paranormal romantic suspense manuscript, Relentless Dawn, and appreciate the opportunity to submit my work to you.
In Relentless Dawn, homicide detective Samantha Lawford is on the hunt for a mysterious killer known as “The Biter.” [I realize "Hannibal the Cannibal" is already taken, but The Biter?] After a series of dead-end cases, these high profile murders could be her chance to prove herself worthy of her badge.
As the Vampire Enforcer of Vegas, [Are we talking about someone who enforces vampires, or a vampire who's an enforcer, or both?] Damien Commons [Damien? He's a vampire, all right.] must catch the rogue vampire before he bites again—otherwise, Damien’s own life could be forfeit. [Explain.] He also needs to keep the sexy detective off the blood trail and prevent her from being the next one bitten…unless it's by him.
While Relentless Dawn is a stand-alone book with a satisfying conclusion to Samantha and Damien’s story, I am developing the (series title) series, which intertwines the lives of each vampire in Damien’s family [It must be tough growing up in a whole family of vampires, what with all the fighting over who gets to drain the Domino's guy's blood every night.] as they embark on sexy adventures that lead to love.
I am published in book length non-fiction with (title) from (respectable publishing house). Additionally, I am a member of the Romance Writers of America and the Washington Romance Writers. I am an attorney and member of the Virginia State Bar.
Enclosed please find my first chapter and synopsis for Relentless Dawn. Upon your request, I will be delighted to send the completed 100,000 word manuscript and have enclosed an SASE for your convenient response. You may also contact me via email at (my email address) or via phone at (my phone number). I appreciate your consideration of my work and [(adverb expressing submissiveness)] look forward to hearing from you [(vague time period)].
Sincerely,
Notes
There's room for some more information in the second query, especially after the part about being a lawyer is removed. The first query could be shortened by eliminating the paragraph about X and moving the two-word paragraph to the end of the previous paragraph. Then the race is on, because no agent has room on his list for two novels about a female law officer trying to solve a bunch of blood drainings, and falling in love with a vampire who's also after the collar. Better get those queries out today.
Reality Bites
1. After seventeen years in the psych ward, Oscar is finally released. Two days later he's back, begging them to admit him.
2. A psychic FBI agent can't believe her visions: pschic vampires are running amok in Cleveland.
3. Gala Peterson thought it sounded like fun: joining the cast of a new reality show, to be filmed in the remote Pacific islands where pirates and cannibals had once ruled. But the last challenge for the tribes is a deadly one--eat or be eaten.
4. After a traumatic car accident, Joe discovers he can no longer view the world continuously. Instead, he sees life in separate 30-second pieces. Can a compassionate therapist help him put his life back into a narrative?
5. Vampire puberty sucks bad enough, but when it's Chance's time to Turn into a full-fledged vampire, he's drafted for the wildly popular reality television show Fang Time.
6. Space diva Reality Jones has too many assistants, too many lovers, and too many years left on her contract. With the help of a promising young cloning scientist, Reality is going to chuck it all and head for the isolated paradise planet of Yarnow.
Rather than include a revised version, which tends to be boring when not much is changed, Evil Editor has decided to cover two queries in this post. Also figuring in this decision, is the fact that the two books have the same plot.
Original Version 1
Dear Agent/Editor
Vlad the Impaler died centuries ago, but his cruelty lives on in a series of bizarre murders in Cleveland, Ohio where six people have been staked and bled dry. [It's a reverse vampire; it stakes its victims, and the only way to kill it is by biting its neck.] The only thing they have in common? Psychic abilities. [Sorry, but sensing that you're about to die, when you're locked in a room with a bloodthirsty vampire, does not make you psychic.] [Apparently there are so many psychics in Cleveland, even a vampire that drinks only the blood of psychics can get along just fine.]
Psychic FBI agent, Robin Lesange, [Is there anybody in this novel who isn't psychic?] is used to seeing to bloodspattered crime scenes play through her mind, but what's happening in Cleveland defies even her jaded experience. [For one thing, the blood spatters have all been licked.] For the first time, her clairvoyance shows her things that, not only shouldn't happen, but shouldn't exist either. [The second comma in that sentence, for instance, or the second word "to" in the previous sentence.]
Like vampires. [Them too.]
Nor is Robin the only one after the killer. Ambrose D'Avignon, a handsome, [psychic,] so-called 'vampire', [Having already said "so-called," no need to also use quotation marks--or even apostrophes.] claims the killer is a genetic mistake, a vampire that failed to evolve from drinking blood to feeding on human energy and must be destroyed. [Vampires who feed on human energy, however, don't need to be destroyed; all they do is turn people into couch potatoes.] He has been sent [by whom?] to make sure the killer quietly disappears, and isn't about to let Robin get in his way--though that doesn't keep him from trying to seduce her.
Ignoring Ambrose's advances, Robin continues her investigation expecting to find a more conventional answer than what her psychic skills have revealed. [Six victims with their blood completely drained, her psychic sense screaming, "IT'S A #$%&$# VAMPIRE, IDIOT," and she wants another answer? Like what? Someone's trying to make the world's biggest Bloody Mary in his hot tub, and misunderstood the recipe?] But when the killer starts to stalk her as his next victim [Evil Editor saw that coming a mile away.] just as Ambrose draws her deeper into his mythic reality, Robin has to face the fact that monsters do exist, and it's up to her to stop them...even if it means becoming one herself.
Complete at 80,000 words, REALITY BITES is a paranormal thriller with a strong romantic subplot. Per your guidelines, please find enclosed a synopsis and the first three chapters.
I have always enjoyed STORIES by X and wrote REALITY BITES with that readership [Myself.] in mind. Knowing you represent X, I thought you might find my manuscript of interest. [Actually, if I'm looking for a book that will be enjoyed by readers of X, and I happen to represent X, I think I'll start by checking in with X to see what she's working on. But you can be Plan Y.] Thank you for your time and consideration.
Regards,
Original Version 2 (Relentless Dawn)
Dear Ms. Editor so-and-so:
Thank you for meeting with me at the (local RWA chapter) retreat at (location). I enjoyed our [(fawning adjective)] discussion of my paranormal romantic suspense manuscript, Relentless Dawn, and appreciate the opportunity to submit my work to you.
In Relentless Dawn, homicide detective Samantha Lawford is on the hunt for a mysterious killer known as “The Biter.” [I realize "Hannibal the Cannibal" is already taken, but The Biter?] After a series of dead-end cases, these high profile murders could be her chance to prove herself worthy of her badge.
As the Vampire Enforcer of Vegas, [Are we talking about someone who enforces vampires, or a vampire who's an enforcer, or both?] Damien Commons [Damien? He's a vampire, all right.] must catch the rogue vampire before he bites again—otherwise, Damien’s own life could be forfeit. [Explain.] He also needs to keep the sexy detective off the blood trail and prevent her from being the next one bitten…unless it's by him.
While Relentless Dawn is a stand-alone book with a satisfying conclusion to Samantha and Damien’s story, I am developing the (series title) series, which intertwines the lives of each vampire in Damien’s family [It must be tough growing up in a whole family of vampires, what with all the fighting over who gets to drain the Domino's guy's blood every night.] as they embark on sexy adventures that lead to love.
I am published in book length non-fiction with (title) from (respectable publishing house). Additionally, I am a member of the Romance Writers of America and the Washington Romance Writers. I am an attorney and member of the Virginia State Bar.
Enclosed please find my first chapter and synopsis for Relentless Dawn. Upon your request, I will be delighted to send the completed 100,000 word manuscript and have enclosed an SASE for your convenient response. You may also contact me via email at (my email address) or via phone at (my phone number). I appreciate your consideration of my work and [(adverb expressing submissiveness)] look forward to hearing from you [(vague time period)].
Sincerely,
Notes
There's room for some more information in the second query, especially after the part about being a lawyer is removed. The first query could be shortened by eliminating the paragraph about X and moving the two-word paragraph to the end of the previous paragraph. Then the race is on, because no agent has room on his list for two novels about a female law officer trying to solve a bunch of blood drainings, and falling in love with a vampire who's also after the collar. Better get those queries out today.
Q & A 20 Scam Agencies
Hey, EE, have you heard about all this Barbara Bouer and the shutting down of Absolute Write stuff that Miss Snark's been ranting about? Are you going to get involved with the plan?
I see you misspelled Ms. Bauer's name, to avoid a possible lawsuit. Clever. Evil Editor clicked on your link, but found no plan, just a list of the 20 worst literary agencies. In any case, while Evil Editor is all for any plan that exposes scam agencies, when it comes to actually getting involved, he's much too busy these days trying to keep his butt off of the 20 Worst Editors List.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Evil Editor's Bio, Part 2
Before I get to the cathartic event that led to my becoming an editor, a few little-known facts about Evil Editor:
1. I believe in reincarnation, but only of inanimate objects. For instance, I believe that in a past life, I was Shirley MacLaine's carry-on luggage.
2. Each night when I get home from work, I inhale a few breaths from a tank containing a mixture of helium and laughing gas, and then work out in the nude on the uneven parallel bars. Then I spend the rest of the night working on my long-term project, digging a secret passage under the house, connecting the lounge to the conservatory.
3. I have a bad habit of screaming, cursing, and ranting at bad drivers, especially when I'm riding the city bus.
4. I am a virtuoso pianist, and yet I've never touched a piano. I learned by reading books.
5. I have an irrational hatred of people who always request chopsticks in Chinese restaurants.
6. I look like what you'd get if you superimposed the faces of J.D. Salinger, Miss Snark, Zorro, and The Blob.
7. I will never accept the claim that if you put a monkey in a room with a typewriter for eternity, he'll eventually type out the complete works of Shakespeare. I say he's lucky to finish two or three of the plays before he makes a mistake.
8. My most embarrassing moment ever, came just a few weeks ago, when I discovered that someone I've long considered to be my closest personal friend is actually a giant marionette.
The Later Years
Once it became clear to Evil Editor that writing was not the road to steady income, I tried my hand at other occupations. One year I toiled on an ant farm, cleaning mud out of the grooves in little tiny tractor tires. The following year I taught a course in Mime Appreciation at The Braille Institute. And later I threw myself into promoting worldwide use of the binary language, a new language I developed that uses only two words: bolo and bongo. Times were hard until I started my own business, manufacturing specialized ladders with holes in the rungs so that people with peglegs don't slip off. I made a small fortune, sold the business for another fortune, and finally had the opportunity to embark upon my life's mission: making the world a better place by providing its inhabitants with my opinions.
At first I thought I could do this as a critic, but critics have no effect on the quality of a product. Critics don't see a work until it's too late to change it. And until Siskel and Ebert came up with their thumbs up and down routine, no one ever knew whether a critic liked anything anyway, as their reviews consisted entirely of references to obscure European artists, many of whom existed only in the imaginations of the critics themselves:
Critic: "The film exists on a plane with the earlier works of Lombardi and Minoso."
Listener: (Stares blankly.)
Critic: "Zizima in the Dark Rain was the last film to move me this way."
Listener: (Stares blankly.)
Critic: "I give it three stars."
Listener: (Smiling and nodding): "Ah. Three stars."
One night the ghost of some writer, I think it was Theodore Dreiser, appeared to me in a dream and suggested I try editing. I asked why, and he said, "H.G. Wells once said, 'No passion in the world is equal to the passion to alter someone else's draft.'" I asked what editors do. He said, "Pretty much nothing. Oscar Wilde once wrote, 'All morning I worked on the proof of one of my poems, and I took out a comma; in the afternoon I put it back.'" I asked him why Oscar Wilde and H.G. Wells weren't appearing to me in my dream. He said they were both drunk.
1. I believe in reincarnation, but only of inanimate objects. For instance, I believe that in a past life, I was Shirley MacLaine's carry-on luggage.
2. Each night when I get home from work, I inhale a few breaths from a tank containing a mixture of helium and laughing gas, and then work out in the nude on the uneven parallel bars. Then I spend the rest of the night working on my long-term project, digging a secret passage under the house, connecting the lounge to the conservatory.
3. I have a bad habit of screaming, cursing, and ranting at bad drivers, especially when I'm riding the city bus.
4. I am a virtuoso pianist, and yet I've never touched a piano. I learned by reading books.
5. I have an irrational hatred of people who always request chopsticks in Chinese restaurants.
6. I look like what you'd get if you superimposed the faces of J.D. Salinger, Miss Snark, Zorro, and The Blob.
7. I will never accept the claim that if you put a monkey in a room with a typewriter for eternity, he'll eventually type out the complete works of Shakespeare. I say he's lucky to finish two or three of the plays before he makes a mistake.
8. My most embarrassing moment ever, came just a few weeks ago, when I discovered that someone I've long considered to be my closest personal friend is actually a giant marionette.
The Later Years
Once it became clear to Evil Editor that writing was not the road to steady income, I tried my hand at other occupations. One year I toiled on an ant farm, cleaning mud out of the grooves in little tiny tractor tires. The following year I taught a course in Mime Appreciation at The Braille Institute. And later I threw myself into promoting worldwide use of the binary language, a new language I developed that uses only two words: bolo and bongo. Times were hard until I started my own business, manufacturing specialized ladders with holes in the rungs so that people with peglegs don't slip off. I made a small fortune, sold the business for another fortune, and finally had the opportunity to embark upon my life's mission: making the world a better place by providing its inhabitants with my opinions.
At first I thought I could do this as a critic, but critics have no effect on the quality of a product. Critics don't see a work until it's too late to change it. And until Siskel and Ebert came up with their thumbs up and down routine, no one ever knew whether a critic liked anything anyway, as their reviews consisted entirely of references to obscure European artists, many of whom existed only in the imaginations of the critics themselves:
Critic: "The film exists on a plane with the earlier works of Lombardi and Minoso."
Listener: (Stares blankly.)
Critic: "Zizima in the Dark Rain was the last film to move me this way."
Listener: (Stares blankly.)
Critic: "I give it three stars."
Listener: (Smiling and nodding): "Ah. Three stars."
One night the ghost of some writer, I think it was Theodore Dreiser, appeared to me in a dream and suggested I try editing. I asked why, and he said, "H.G. Wells once said, 'No passion in the world is equal to the passion to alter someone else's draft.'" I asked what editors do. He said, "Pretty much nothing. Oscar Wilde once wrote, 'All morning I worked on the proof of one of my poems, and I took out a comma; in the afternoon I put it back.'" I asked him why Oscar Wilde and H.G. Wells weren't appearing to me in my dream. He said they were both drunk.
Face-Lift 34
Guess the Plot
Mirror, Mirror
1. Snow White's stepmother tells all, in this steamy tale of jealousy, make-up, and gardening. Not to mention, the seven little men.
2. Lorraine spends six hours in the fun house, gazing at the mirror that makes her look skinny.
3. Lois is in love with Brad, but Brad says he only has eyes for the face he sees in the magic mirror. Lois walks out, not bothering to point out that there's nothing magic about Brad's mirror.
4. Fraternal twins Johnny and Jenny never had the close bond that each thought their twinship mandated. Johnny's surgery is going to change that situation, and lead to a shocking and surprising aftermath.
5. Psychic twin detectives Mercedes and Lourdes are on the trail of a criminal who kidnaps pregnant women, performs C-sections on them, and steals their babies.
6. At the Future-View Barber Shop, customers can see what they'll look like in five minutes, thanks to the time-mirror. When Paul sees his head missing from his neck, he begins to understand why there's a meat cleaver in among this barber's combs and scissors.
Original Version
Dear Editor.
I am seeking representation for my paranormal romance/suspense novel, Mirror, Mirror complete at 70,000 words.
Someone is kidnapping pregnant at-term women and after performing a C-section and taking their baby, returns the women near their home with no memory of their ordeal. [New York Post headline:
Toby the OB strikes again!
Fed's Serial OB-GYN Task Force Brought In.]
Could this be the perfect crime? [Well, it's a little messy, and you have to sell a lot of babies before you even get back what you spent on six years of med school and your mobile operating room, but beyond that, yeah, it's perfect.] [Actually, the guy would probably make more money if he just started a mobile C-section business. You go into labor, phone Birth Bus Delivery Service, twenty minutes later a minivan pulls into your driveway and Hannibal Lecter performs your C-section on the fold-down back seat.] [After which he eats the placenta with a side order of fava beans.] [Eeewww!] [Evil Editor recommends against Googling "Placenta Recipes."] No photos of the baby, no prints, no blood work. And no one has ever seen the babies but the psychopath that is committing these crimes. [This is a romance novel? It's sounding more like a gross-out slasher horror movie.]
Private Investigator Mercedes Alexander is hired by a high profile Philadelphia businessman to find his pregnant wife who went missing on a shopping trip during their vacation in the Pocono's. [The serial killer obstetrician operates out of the Poconos? I get it, he steals babies from the wealthy, and sells them to the poor in inner-city Philadelphia. He's the Robin Hood of serial killer obstetricians.] After meeting with the [hunky] Sheriff, Jaxton Lane, Mercedes finds he doesn't have a single lead, but Mercedes has an advantage over him. She and her pregnant twin and partner Lourdes Alexander, are psychic. [Oh, goody, psychic twin detectives! Evil Editor was beginning to worry that this was just a run-of-the-mill serial killer obstetrician novel, with nothing to distinguish it from other serial killer obstetrician novels.]
As Mercedes and Jax rush to find the psychopath before he steals another baby, they are drawn closer and closer to his evil mind and to each other. Finally a tiny clue that Mercedes almost misses, [A local couple has been receiving two semi-truck loads of Pampers every week.] leads her to the kidnapper, but not before Lourdes is almost killed. [And not before Mercedes and the sheriff fall madly in love, no doubt.] [Mercedes and Lourdes? Who named these kids, their mother, Moon Unit Zappa?]
A synopsis and sample chapters are available. Thank you for your kind time and attention.
Revised Version
Dear Editor.
Someone is kidnaping pregnant at-term women and releasing them after they've given birth--but keeping the babies.
Private Investigator Mercedes Alexander is hired by a high profile Philadelphia businessman to find his pregnant wife, who went missing on a shopping trip during their vacation in the Poconos. The Sheriff, Jaxton Lane, doesn't have a single lead, but Mercedes has an advantage over him. She and her pregnant twin and partner, Lourdes Alexander, are psychic.
As Mercedes and Jax rush to find the psychopath before he steals another baby, they are drawn closer and closer to his evil mind--and to each other. Finally a tiny clue that Mercedes almost misses, reveals the kidnaper's identity. But can Mercedes get to him before he gets to Lourdes?
I am seeking representation for my paranormal romance/suspense novel, Mirror, Mirror complete at 70,000 words. A synopsis and sample chapters are available. Thank you for your time and attention.
Notes
Evil Editor has attempted to make the query letter sound less preposterous. It falls upon the author to do the same for the book itself.
It seems a lot of people have found some reason to create right-side margins by hitting the return key. If you feel some need to do this, please hit the spacebar before hitting the return key, so that when Evil Editor pastes your letter into blogger, he doesn't have to put spaces between your words.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Face-Lift 33
Guess the Plot
Katz Cradle
1. When macho cop Zero Katz's partner is murdered, then outed, Zero find himself visiting gay bars to investigate.
2. At Dogs N. Katz Grooming Service, no one could figure out why the new cat washer, Brock, wasn't off modeling Calvin Kleins in New York. When Old Lady Jones finds Brock head down in the cat bath, the towns finds a whole mess of suspects that need investigating.
3. Sherri-lynn Katz wants a baby more than anything else in the world, but remains hopelessly virginal. After a compelling dream, she wakes with the words 'rock them and they will come' ringing in her head, and takes up a new profession--building and selling hand-made cradles.
4. Cartoon characters Katz and Mousie have feuded since their ink first dried. When they realise that their constant battles have been a disguise for the love they really feel for each other, their troubles seem to have ended--until Baby arrives and takes after both his parents.
5. Jeremiah Katz grew up believing his family was a nurturing haven. But when he tried to move out, he found himself caught in a bizarre tangle of intersecting plot-threads.
6. Caring social worker Amy discovers that her mute charge, Bobo Katz, is a savant at creating complex string figures. Will his over-protective parents allow Bobo to travel to Polynesia where his art can be nurtured to fruition?
Original Version
Dear Evil Agent,
Rookie cop Zero Katz embraces life's three C's: Country, Coors, and Classic rock. [Actually, life's three C's are chocolate, Cherry Garcia, and Penelope Cruz, but go on.] Where he’s from, men drive muscle cars and queers are for smearing. So what to do when his LAPD partner Ray Wilson is murdered [while behind the wheel of a pink minivan] [Yes, I'm serious, that's why you brought up muscle cars, right?], then ‘outed’ postmortem?
Keep investigating, dammit.
Even when it drags straight-laced Katz to his first gay bar. [Even when he decides to stick around the place after his shift is over.] Even when it requires an uneasy alliance with Ray’s friend Samuel Miller – an ex-Marine ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ victim – who’s hell-bent on tossing Hollywood action star Hunter Calloway out of the closet.
As Katz and Miller burn through suspects, a killer runs free in a town where fiction is fact and everyone has an agenda. Did Calloway’s four-headed monster (agent, manager, lawyer, publicist) go too far protecting their client? Was Ray’s murder ordered by a desperate Sioux shaman? [Now that possibility never even occurred to Evil Editor.] And what’s the deal with the furry assassin and his werewolf sex doll?
Leaving no question unanswered, [Unlike this query, which just left three questions unanswered.] no wisecrack uncracked, Katz Cradle’s plot [Whoa. Katz Cradle is your title? Presumably you're aware that there's already a well-known book entitled Cat's Cradle: a Book of String Figures, by Anne Akers Johnson?] swings from gay activism to superstardom, fur fetish to blackmail, presenting the world of LA oddity through the eyes of a small-town, sarcastic narrator.
Based on your Agentquery.com profile, I believe you’d be a good fit to represent my completed manuscript, and I would be pleased to submit upon request. A synopsis is enclosed. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Notes
Not much to complain about, so no revised version.
Lots of books have the same title, but we're talking about one of the most beloved books in American literature. This is like naming a book The Great Gatzbee, only this is even worse, because by spelling it Katz instead of Catz, you lose the few sales you were going to get, the ones from people who search for Vonnegut's book on Amazon.com, and then accidentally order yours. Would you seriously consider naming a book Slaughterhouse 4? Catch 23? The Da Vinci Codex? Why not try Zero Hour or Katz Pajamas? Anything. Even if Katz Cradle is the best title for the book, if the agent's favorite book during his college years happened to be Cat's Cradle, and that book holds a special place in his heart, he'll be thinking, Why you pompous, self-absorbed ass, how dare you presume to imply your book has anything whatsoever in common with the Master's? as he feeds it into the shredder.
The tone of the query won't appeal to every agent, but one suspects that it's not unlike the tone of the book. Chances are if you're writing to an agent who would like this book, you're writing to an agent who won't be bothered by this tone.
Katz Cradle
1. When macho cop Zero Katz's partner is murdered, then outed, Zero find himself visiting gay bars to investigate.
2. At Dogs N. Katz Grooming Service, no one could figure out why the new cat washer, Brock, wasn't off modeling Calvin Kleins in New York. When Old Lady Jones finds Brock head down in the cat bath, the towns finds a whole mess of suspects that need investigating.
3. Sherri-lynn Katz wants a baby more than anything else in the world, but remains hopelessly virginal. After a compelling dream, she wakes with the words 'rock them and they will come' ringing in her head, and takes up a new profession--building and selling hand-made cradles.
4. Cartoon characters Katz and Mousie have feuded since their ink first dried. When they realise that their constant battles have been a disguise for the love they really feel for each other, their troubles seem to have ended--until Baby arrives and takes after both his parents.
5. Jeremiah Katz grew up believing his family was a nurturing haven. But when he tried to move out, he found himself caught in a bizarre tangle of intersecting plot-threads.
6. Caring social worker Amy discovers that her mute charge, Bobo Katz, is a savant at creating complex string figures. Will his over-protective parents allow Bobo to travel to Polynesia where his art can be nurtured to fruition?
Original Version
Dear Evil Agent,
Rookie cop Zero Katz embraces life's three C's: Country, Coors, and Classic rock. [Actually, life's three C's are chocolate, Cherry Garcia, and Penelope Cruz, but go on.] Where he’s from, men drive muscle cars and queers are for smearing. So what to do when his LAPD partner Ray Wilson is murdered [while behind the wheel of a pink minivan] [Yes, I'm serious, that's why you brought up muscle cars, right?], then ‘outed’ postmortem?
Keep investigating, dammit.
Even when it drags straight-laced Katz to his first gay bar. [Even when he decides to stick around the place after his shift is over.] Even when it requires an uneasy alliance with Ray’s friend Samuel Miller – an ex-Marine ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ victim – who’s hell-bent on tossing Hollywood action star Hunter Calloway out of the closet.
As Katz and Miller burn through suspects, a killer runs free in a town where fiction is fact and everyone has an agenda. Did Calloway’s four-headed monster (agent, manager, lawyer, publicist) go too far protecting their client? Was Ray’s murder ordered by a desperate Sioux shaman? [Now that possibility never even occurred to Evil Editor.] And what’s the deal with the furry assassin and his werewolf sex doll?
Leaving no question unanswered, [Unlike this query, which just left three questions unanswered.] no wisecrack uncracked, Katz Cradle’s plot [Whoa. Katz Cradle is your title? Presumably you're aware that there's already a well-known book entitled Cat's Cradle: a Book of String Figures, by Anne Akers Johnson?] swings from gay activism to superstardom, fur fetish to blackmail, presenting the world of LA oddity through the eyes of a small-town, sarcastic narrator.
Based on your Agentquery.com profile, I believe you’d be a good fit to represent my completed manuscript, and I would be pleased to submit upon request. A synopsis is enclosed. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Notes
Not much to complain about, so no revised version.
Lots of books have the same title, but we're talking about one of the most beloved books in American literature. This is like naming a book The Great Gatzbee, only this is even worse, because by spelling it Katz instead of Catz, you lose the few sales you were going to get, the ones from people who search for Vonnegut's book on Amazon.com, and then accidentally order yours. Would you seriously consider naming a book Slaughterhouse 4? Catch 23? The Da Vinci Codex? Why not try Zero Hour or Katz Pajamas? Anything. Even if Katz Cradle is the best title for the book, if the agent's favorite book during his college years happened to be Cat's Cradle, and that book holds a special place in his heart, he'll be thinking, Why you pompous, self-absorbed ass, how dare you presume to imply your book has anything whatsoever in common with the Master's? as he feeds it into the shredder.
The tone of the query won't appeal to every agent, but one suspects that it's not unlike the tone of the book. Chances are if you're writing to an agent who would like this book, you're writing to an agent who won't be bothered by this tone.
Q & A 19 Two-timing readers.
Do you believe it to be
a) incestuous
b) acceptable
c) sacriligeous or
d) splendiferous
for someone to be both an Evil Minion and a Snarkling?
The correct term for this is "blogamy."
Face-Lift 32
Guess the Plot
The Last Lion of Sparta
1. Sparta has become the laughingstock of Greek city-states. Can Buttercup and Wesley forge a plan to return her to her glorious status?
2. In the far-distant future, a genetically-engineered race of lion-human hybrids looks to the ancient world for inspiration in its battle against an insectile hive-mind.
3. Aurora Phillips was enchanted by the sights of historic Greece, and longed for the romance of the past. When she found herself swept back in time and captured by brusque Spartan captain Phylon, the brutal reality was anything but romantic.
4. Roberto is old. He looks over the sparkling Aegean Sea, and recounts his life story to his great-granddaughter. Roberto's story crosses two oceans, five women, and three murders. Will he survive his memories?
5. By day, Leo drives a cab around Chicago. But when the full moon rises he transforms into a wildly maned warrior. All he needs now is an enemy.
6. The wily fox Alcibiades advises the lions of Sparta in their campaigns against the Athenians. All the while the Helot jackals look for their chance to overthrow their lion overlords.
Original Version
Dear Ms. Agent:
Whatever happened to Sparta? [Evil Editor has no idea. Nor do I know what happened to Troy. Hell, I don't even know what happened to Troy Donahue.] Did she just fade from the pages of history? Did her formidable army ever tangle with Rome? Interest in these questions led me to write my 106,500-word historical novel The Last Lion of Sparta. [Ironically, you could have Googled "Sparta" and satisfied your curiosity in five seconds; instead, you write a 106,500-word novel, and you still don't know what happened to Sparta.]
A father and son, attempting to survive the Goth invasion of Greece 1600 years ago, discover an ancient codex in the ruins of Sparta describing the exploits of Cleomenes and his queen Agiatis 600 years earlier. The father reads from the tome when he can. His story, in present tense, is interwoven with the main story of Cleomenes in past tense. [This is like The Princess Bride; the father reading to the son is like Peter Falk reading to Fred Savage. Except, Peter Falk and Fred Savage weren't trying to survive a Goth invasion at the time.]
After a protracted decline, Sparta at that time is a third-rate backwater trying to survive on her past reputation. The real power lies in the hands of Damochares, [Count Rugen] chief of a corrupt board of magistrates. Damochares convinces Cleomenes’ father the king [Prince Humperdinck] to execute a reform-minded aristocrat. The king forces the murdered man’s wife Agiatis, who has just inherited considerable property, to marry eighteen-year-old Cleomenes to keep the wealth in the king’s family. [I don't hear Agiatis complaining about trading in her 60-year-old husband for an 18-year-old stud muffin.]
Against all odds, Agiatis and Cleomenes [Buttercup and Wesley, of course.] fall in love. Her influence becomes the smith’s bellows that fans Cleomenes’ predisposition for change into a roaring flame. He and Agiatis devise a plan to return Sparta to the ancient austerity and equality that once made her a legend. [Her legendary austerity is why Sparta disappeared. If women can't at least have a little color in the curtains, they're not hanging around long.] They know they have to be careful, but their time is limited. They must overcome Damochares, warring Greek cities and a ruthless warlord in time to build a coalition strong enough to prevent Rome from overrunning Greece.
Recent movies such as Gladiator and Alexander [Gladiator and Alexander? I thought it was Fannie and Alexander.] as well as Steven Pressfield’s best-seller Gates of Fire show that a sizeable adult market continues to exist for historical drama concerning ancient Greece and Rome. As the first novel involving both Sparta and Rome, The Last Lion of Sparta should be of considerable interest to readers of literary fiction. [Another reason Troy gets a blockbuster movie and a condom, while Sparta gets nothing: the Horse. After being duped by the Trojan Horse, Troy should be laughingstocks; instead they're famous. Goes to show there's no such thing as bad publicity.] [Now if Sparta had fallen for the Spartan Cow, instead of setting it on fire, maybe it would be a different story today.]
I base my dramatization of Cleomenes and Agiatis on my study of ancient sources [Including a 1600-year-old codex I found in my basement.] and modern histories. My fiction has recently appeared in the literary magazine Lynx Eye and Nth Degree.
Knowing agents face a slush pile of queries that grows faster than Jack’s beanstalk, I appreciate you taking the time to read mine. I have enclosed the first five pages. The complete manuscript is available upon request.
Sincerely,
Revised Version
Dear Ms. Agent:
Whatever happened to Sparta? Did she simply fade from the pages of history? Did her formidable army ever tangle with Rome? Interest in these questions led me to write my 106,500-word historical novel The Last Lion of Sparta.
After a protracted decline, Sparta of 200 B.C. is a third-rate backwater trying to survive on her past reputation. The real power of the state lies in the hands of Damochares, chief of a corrupt board of magistrates. Damochares convinces the king to have a reform-minded aristocrat executed. The king then forces the dead man’s wife, Agiatis, to marry his son, Cleomenes, bringing her newly inherited wealth and property into the king’s family.
Against all odds, Agiatis and Cleomenes fall in love. Her influence becomes the bellows that fans Cleomenes’ predisposition for change into a roaring flame. He and Agiatis devise a plan to return Sparta to the ancient austerity and equality that once made her a legend. But their time is limited. They must overcome Damochares, warring Greek cities and a ruthless warlord in time to build a coalition strong enough to prevent Rome from overrunning Greece.
I have based my dramatization of Cleomenes and Agiatis on a lifetime spent studying ancient and modern histories. A sizeable adult market has long existed for historical drama involving ancient Greece and Rome. As perhaps the first novel involving both Sparta and Rome, The Last Lion of Sparta should be of considerable interest to readers of historical fiction.
My fiction has recently appeared in the literary magazine Lynx Eye and Nth Degree. I appreciate your taking the time to consider this query. I have enclosed the first five pages; the complete manuscript is available upon request.
Sincerely,
Notes
The original query was fine. What isn't clear is the role played by the father/son who find the codex. If they're merely a literary device telling the story, do you really need them? Do readers want to deal with Sparta vs. Rome at the same time they're dealing with a Goth invasion 600 years later? The codex may as well be discovered in present day, and mentioned only in a prologue. If at all. If the father/son do play an integral role in the book, it's worth considering telling their story in past tense. Present tense becomes annoying after a while.
Agomonestra enters the agora with his son, Hippodrome. "Look, Hippo," Agomonestra says, "a codex, in the temple ruins."
Hippodrome stares at Agomonestra blankly and asks, "What's a codex?"
That's about as much present tense as Evil Editor can bear to read before he sets fire to an author's codex.
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