I want to tell this blog how much I hate myself this weekend.


But who would read it?

I do know what would help.

Washing this sticky blackness off how I feel about this and about you.

But the goo gone isn't working.

And I still miss your hands.

Some days I just feel lonely.

Some days all I wish is that I could talk to you.

Feeling sick. Realized there is this playlist on my iPod. Cant recall from who. Not on my iTUNES, just the pod. Like I was plugged into someone else. Think it was you. Think you just transferred a play list from someone else. THE someone else. It all makes a little sense now. For some reason, this violation makes me feel ILL. So many reasons, so many levels.

My stomach is so violent and my heart beat is up. It's like all those other "just found out" betrayal moments before... Weird. Thought those would be over. And it never gets easier, the discovery.

Oy. I feel so sick.

I don't want to be fun at parties. Outgoing and crazy. The girl who can tell a dirty joke. I want someone who will love me for all of me. When I am boring and lazy. When I am chubby and a little sad.

I don't want to have to be half of me all the time.

I don't want someone who I kinda like who thinks I am kind fun. I don't want pure distraction that never pans out to anything good. I just want one person who wants to be with me. Who misses me when I am gone and tells me things that have bothered him. Who wants to share with me things he doesn't share with anyone else. One person who thinks of me when things make him smile. One person who knows who I am and is ok with it.

No one has ever been ok with it. I thought they were. But they weren't. No one wants the whole package.

I want real company and caring. I want my heart to quit this silly palpitation it does. I just want to not be alone in this.

Jesus tapdancing christ I feel small now. And super jealous. And like I never even happened. Look at you go. Look at you two go. Amazing what you can achieve when you don't care who you crush to get there. :) And forget about it right away. And build a business and a perfect life together.

The more I look back. You WERE ashamed to be with me. You never felt proud of me like this. You never wanted to shout it. Make infographics of it.

The worst part is, at this point, I feel like this only confirms my suspicions about myself that I have had for so long anyway. I am not special. Or interesting enough. The people and things that I love and am interested it, will never reciprocate on me. I am not good enough to be who I want to be.

I am just a wanna be who can't contribute anything of worth to the people I want to be around, to the community of thoughts and ideas and creativity that I desire. I am terribly ordinary. So ordinary I fit in no where.

I don't know why I did this. Any of it.

I didn't mean anything by it. I just... I miss it so much.