Finding Courage

I recently found myself overwhelmed with sorrow and missing Ethan. These feelings surprised me as I hadn't felt these feelings this strong in over 2 years. I have to admit that I was a little grateful to experience these emotions, as they allowed me to realize that Ethan is still a part of my life and my love for him still runs deep. The thought had previously crossed my mind that distance from the events of my loss may cause me to forget the sorrow. Though I have found courage to move forward, I am grateful that the sorrow has not completely left me. This must seem crazy... but I have experienced a lot of personal growth and an increase in testimony through these experiences. And re-living the sorrow provides opportunity to reflect on my growth and remember how blessed I am. I am so blessed to have an understanding of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I am blessed to have personally experienced the effects of the Atonement as it has helped heal me and change me. I am blessed to be surrounded by so many individuals who have never left my side - who have acted in charity in order to "lift my burdens."

Today I took my second son to his pediatrician for his 18 month check-up. Because these emotions had resurfaced I had finally found the courage to ask questions. This is the same pediatrician who had been on-call and had attended to Ethan. It took me more than three years to confront the uncertainty I had in asking these questions. I simply asked if he remembered the night Ethan was born, and then asked him to share with me what he remembered. I was surprised that he had no hesitation - he had remembered the events vividly. During our conversation, he explained the procedures and decisions that were made that night. He explained that every member of the medical team attending to Ethan was more than competent - they were the best, with the highest levels of training. He revealed to me his spiritual experiences of that night... he too felt that it was right to let Ethan go.

Let me point out that I never questioned the competency of the medical team, I knew that what happened that night was supposed to happen. But I had felt as though I was missing a piece of the puzzle without knowing all the particulars of that night. And upon finding my courage to ask these questions, I have felt an incredible sense of relief... there are no more questions.

My Little Treasures

The night I lost Ethan I received an incredible gift from some earthly angels. Volunteers from an organization called "Share Parents" gave me a beautiful box full of treasures: photos of my little baby, molds of his hands and feet, blankets, a tiny outfit, and a teddy bear. These angels gave me more than just a box full of items. They gave me memories I could hold - tangible evidence of Ethan's existence. What a service of love! Share Parents is an organization made up of parents who have experienced losses of their own. Share Parents provides on-going support to bereaved families through monthly meetings and special events in honor of those who have been lost.


Additional resources:
http://www.shareparents.com/
http://www.shareparentsofutah.org/
http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/
http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/

Near An End

I feel that there aren't many more topics to cover on this blog... so if you have a topic you would like covered, or questions you would like answered, please share.

I still miss my son, my heart continues to ache, but I feel that any new entries would just be repetitive of what I have already written.

Please continue to refer others to this blog - and if you'd share some comments about the impact this blog has had on you, I would appreciate it!

A Father's Grief

After experiencing our own losses and hearing about others and their losses, I have come to the conclusion that as a couple, a loss can either pull parents/spouses closer together or further apart. Luckily, for me the loss of our little Ethan brought my husband and I closer together. We were able to understand each other better than anyone else could. We made a conscious effort to support each other and discuss our feelings. I realize that for other couples it is not so easy. Some find it difficult to express their feelings, others become so depressed they don't recognize the needs of their spouse. Some may hide from their grief, thinking that it shows weakness to cry or complain (this is often the case for many fathers). Sometimes, in the case of miscarriages, father's may not mourn the way mother's do. They haven't bonded with the child, haven't felt the child move, haven't had the chance to see an ultrasound, or hear a heartbeat. Fathers haven't felt the pain or seen the bloody discharge - to them it wasn't "real." I have heard wives complain that their husbands don't understand. Others become frustrated when their husbands don't cry or are able to continue life as if nothing happened. My heart hurts for those who feel that they are alone in their grief... my only advice to such mothers is to calmly communicate your feelings to your husbands. Let them know how it hurts you to think that they do not mourn. Let them know that you love them and are there for them if they feel they need to cry or share their feelings. The loss of a child is difficult enough, don't lose your friend and companion too. And be careful not to point blame, or transfer your frustration to your husband... this could truly damage your marriage.


I found a website that may give you a perspective to a father's grief, which is where I found this poem. (Click on the title to view the website)

Men Do Cry

I heard quite often "men don’t cry"
though no one ever told me why.
So when I fell and skinned a knee,
no one came by to comfort me.

And when some bully-boy at school
would pull a prank so mean and cruel,
I’d quickly learn to turn and quip,
"It doesn’t hurt," and bite my lip.

So as I grew to reasoned years,
I learned to stifle any tears.
Though "Be a big boy" it began,
quite soon I learned to "Be a man."

And I could play that stoic role
while storm and tempest wracked my
soul.

No pain or setback could there be
could wrest one single tear from me.
Then one long night I stood nearby
and helplessly watched my son die.
And quickly found, to my surprise,
that all that tearless talk was lies.

And still I cry, and have no shame.
I cannot play that "big boy" game.
And openly, without remorse,
I let my sorrow takes its course.

So those of you who can’t abide
a man you’ve seen who’s often cried,
reach out to him with all your heart
as one whose life’s been torn apart.

For men DO cry when they can see
their loss of immortality.
And tears will come in endless
streams when mindless fate destroys their
dreams.

--- Ken Falk

Two Years a Family

Last month we celebrated Ethan's 2nd Birthday. It was a wonderful day! Suprisingly, there were no tears. I think that I am able to see his birthday as a happy occassion because I recognize it as the day we became a family. There is so much to celebrate when you begin to understand the concept of eternity and the promise of being a forever family. Ethan coming into our lives has allowed me to truly appreciate the plan our Heavenly Father has for us - it IS a plan of happiness. I know that many angel parents may continue to hurt on anniversaries of birthdays and deaths... I hope that you are able to find at least one moment to appreciate that which Heavenly Father has given us... Eternity.

Apology

For those of you left hanging... I did share the miracle story of my second son, but have since removed the post because of concerns I have with privacy. So sorry!

Survival

For those of you still wondering... I did survive my pregnancy. It was exhausting and long! After five months of morning/all day sickness (yes, I actually lost weight the first half of my pregnancy), surgery (a cervical cerclage), and a long and boring summer on "bed-rest", we delivered son #2. My anxiety and fear of another loss did diminish with time... though it peaked again at 23 weeks (the gestational age Ethan was when we lost him). Prayer and faith is what got me through it.

Admittedly, my mind has been preoccupied with this new baby... leaving less time to mourn. However, every time I experience something new with this child I can't help but think what I've missed out on with Ethan. I am so glad to have the knowledge that I will someday be able to raise Ethan. Oh how I long for that day! For those of you who think that one child can replace another, you are quite mistaken. That being said, I thoroughly enjoy being a mother -it's both fulfilling and rewarding.

It is such a miracle to have this precious boy with us, and the miracles continued after his birth as we have survived more trials. I will share these experiences at a later date.